Could the way in which my boyfriend masturbates render him impotent?

May 19, 2008 11:34 AM

Could the way in which my boyfriend masturbates render him impotent? Super-sexy questions inside, most definitely nsfw.

So this guy I'm seeing (he's in his early twenties) masturbates most unusually. He doesnt use his hands at all! He lays on his stomach, with his penis usually semi-erect. He then transfers his weight directly onto his penis, and kinda wriggles around, smooshing his dick in the process. About 30 seconds of this and he comes.

He is uncut, fwiw, and (he thinks) he has a (mild?) case of phimosis. He keeps his head covered most of the day and it is hard to uncover (or 'peel it') if he is totally hard unless a lot of saliva is used. (I haven't ever seen this, so he tells me.)

Now here is the thing: he never gets erect around me. Its not that he never ever gets erect, since he wakes up with morning wood (sometimes when he sleeps over in my bed) and wet dreams and regular erections at other times of the day. He watches porn and that makes him hard too.

But not with me! Why is this? He isn't anxious to perform around me, I have told him that I will be patient and help him with this. He has slept over many times, we have made out, I have given him some oral, he gets a little hard - but not all the way there.

He has never had penetrative sex with anyone, fwiw. He never gets hard.

Now why would this be? Should he stop masturbating in this unusual fashion? He says its the only way he has known how to choke the chicken since he was little, and that he has tried the jerk-off-with-hand technique and it does not work for him.

Incidentally he cannot come with his technique if he is rock-hard-erect, he must be semi-flaccid otherwise the smooshing thing doesnt work and hurts.

Is there a name for this technique or something similar? Anyone we can see? Help.

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

Some people think it's called Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. There's more information here: http://www.healthystrokes.com/

Some don't believe in it, though..
posted by majikstreet at 11:40 AM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, he's gotta lay off the full-body-weight-on-penis thing or he's never going to have a normal sex life. There is definitely a large school of thought that believes masturbating like that can render him unable to achieve orgasm normally and, in extreme cases, unable to maintain an erection under normal stimulation.

Like majikstreet says, some people don't believe that. But it seems to be true in your guy's case.
posted by Justinian at 11:44 AM on May 19, 2008

well, some people develop sexual habits that are difficult to overcome--if this is the only way he's ever got off, it'll take some time to learn other ways. one thing you two might do is have him masturbate around you, or maybe lying between your legs, with his head on your stomach (or as far up as he can go). eventually he'll learn to associate orgasm with another person.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:45 AM on May 19, 2008

follow-up from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous.

PLEASE sign up for an anonymous email address when posting these sorts of questions.

I learned to masturbate the same way as your bf. It didn't make me impotent, but close. I didn't even know what the problem was, until I found an obscure website that mentioned this as a potential problem. I immediately stopped. It wasn't easy. I started masturbating on my stomach, like "normal" guys do. It took me a few weeks to be able to do it, but eventually I got the knack. Now I no longer let myself use the stomach method. If it makes your boyfriend feel better, when I was finally able to do it on my back, using my hands, it felt much better than the old way. So I wouldn't want to go back.

And it's made human-to-human sex much easier for me.

Your bf can learn to do this, so don't let him tell you he can't. At the same time, understand that it will take him a while.

posted by jessamyn at 11:56 AM on May 19, 2008

FWIW, I remember hearing Dr. Drew say that men who do this, be it on their beds, or on hardwood floors, may be hurting themselves and conditioning themselves against normal sensation.

So, yes, it is because of the smashterbation that he cannot get it up under normal circumstances.

But is it hurt or broken? It's hard to say. I would do what the anonymous follow-up said, and have him abstain from crushing his cock until further notice, taking it slow, and trying to bring it back to the light.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 12:21 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

If he thinks he has phimosis, he should really, really do something about that. Seeing a doctor is the way to go. Even if he isn't comfortable telling the doctor the whole thing, at least get that taken care of.
posted by neblina_matinal at 12:53 PM on May 19, 2008

follow-up from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous

OH MY GOD.

You have no idea how amazing it is to see that link about TMS. I started dating someone who was an older virgin and masturbated this way, and even though it was kind of weird, I dismissed it as just a facet of his having become accustomed to a particular way of doing things. I suggested that he try a couple different ways, particularly so that I could be involved, and he was adamant that

Our sexual relationship started and then fizzled a bit. He couldn't even come when I gave him a blowjob. I kept asking him if he was distracted, and he kept reacting like it was no big deal, he could do it when he wanted, and implying that it was somehow my fault for not doing it right or messing with him. We had intercourse a few times, but that went south as well.

To wind the story up... we got married, then divorced, after over five years without sex. We're still friends, and I've confirmed that it wasn't my problem, but WOW did it do a number on me and my confidence.

You MUST tell him and work things out. I want to send my ex this site so badly, but I have no idea how to do so without making things ridiculously weird.

posted by jessamyn at 5:31 PM on May 19, 2008

And another one...

I used to masturbate a similar way. I would lay down on my stomach and rub my penis against the inside of my thigh with my weight bearing down on it. It only worked when I was semi-erect - otherwise I wouldn't be able to point it at the correct angle. I also was not able use the normal "jerk-off-with-hand" technique (and I'm still not able.) I had the same problem of not becoming erect when it was time to perform.

What worked for me is to use a sex toy to masturbate while completely abandoning the old method. The one I have requires me to be erect in order to use it. Also the more erect I am, the better it feels, which is the opposite of the previous technique which rewarded the wrong behavior. When I first started using it, it did not feel very good, as I wasn't used to the sensation - but after a while (a month or two) I got used to the non-smushing stimulus and it felt better than the old way. There may be a few negatives for him though: The toy requires care, cleaning and maintenance.. plus as a guy, he may feel some shame in using it. I hope this isn't too spammy, but the specific one I used was the Fleshlight and it did help me recondition myself. I haven't tried any others.

posted by jessamyn at 5:32 PM on May 19, 2008

He couldn't even come when I gave him a blowjob.

Just a note: This isn't necessarily due to weird masturbation habits. Lots of dudes can't come from a blowjob and it's not really any different than a woman who can't come without direct clitoral stimulation.
posted by Justinian at 8:23 PM on May 19, 2008

On the healthystrokes stuff, it's not to say that the theory is necessarily wrong (or right), but that site is one guy's interpretation of one study, and frankly, the site owner strikes me as a crank with a rather bizarre axe to grind. The article on "Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome" is gone, but check out the talk pages on Wikipedia here and here- they give a fairly clear picture of how much actual scientific support there is for it (not much at all), and also make the site owner look like a decidedly less than credible person, to say the least. (Among other things, he treated an online poll on his site as rock-solid scientific evidence of the existence of TMS, and repeatedly removed any information that went against his theory from the original article.)

There is no official medical diagnosis of "Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome" that exists, and whenever it comes up online I'm always rather surprised to see how many otherwise skeptical people seem to automatically believe what the healthystrokes site says. That's not to say that there either is or isn't validity to the theory- there's anecdotal evidence both for and against it, but it just hasn't really been studied much. In any case, I definitely wouldn't regard that site as proof of anything.

That's not to say necessarily that, as far as the OP's boyfriend goes, his masturbation technique doesn't have something to do with the problem (and not to say that it does, either), but I wouldn't treat it as the only possible explanation- and to be honest, from some of the details given in the question about him getting erections at other times, I'm sort of more inclined to think the problem is something psychological.
posted by a louis wain cat at 9:23 PM on May 19, 2008