How do I get out from under an abusive father?

May 5, 2008 8:24 PM

How do I get out from under an abusive father?

Story in short (hope it doesn't get too detailed):
My parents moved out from England to Australia 23 years ago and my older brother was born. They moved around Australia, I was born 4 years later (I'm 19, male) and my younger sister 2 years later.

My father has been an abusive narcissist his whole life and his father is almost definitely the same, my father grew up achieving a whole lot for his dad and he didn't really know why, he is now an executive for a resource company. My dad treats my immediate family & me the same way his father probably treated him, right up until the divorce. Things get ugly, I get seriously depressed and drop out of school (I was about 14?). Whole bunch of factors contribute to the divorce, mum becomes a depressive alcoholic, dad leaves. Problem solvered right?? mmm. Mum's drinking seriously destroys the home-life, us 3 kids suffer, I go through a whole bunch of therapy and attempt to and fail to achieve normal everyday stuff (education, jobs, ect). Up to this point, where I'm not sure which way is forward.

- I can continue to attempt jobs and continue to deal with my own abuse-spawned narcissism and father hatred that holds me back atm. (yes I have a psych)

- Or I can attempt to escape my father's emotional & real world control somehow (he has the money and is one hell of a good emotional manipulator, narcissism aside)

- Some third option? I know I will have to deal with my own self-defences that my father provokes in me, because I will never be happy with them still in place, let alone functional, but I don't know how to exist happily with my father.

On preview I realize I haven't described my father at all, because 90% of his inflicted damage is still unconscious, I used to hang off his every word and that sponge-like attitude is something I'm only just beginning to shake. Isolating his affect on me is incredibly difficult and I'm sure will become the topic of many psych sessions to come.

I don't know what to expect from AskMefi, but any kind of affirmation for a method forward would be awesome.

posted by Submiqent to human relations (16 comments total)

This probably won't be helpful, but it might be that the only way to cure this problem is to take active steps to sever your ties with your family for a while until they can get their lives under control. It'll be hard for you to get better, even with therapy, if you come home every day to such a stressful environment.

Do you live with them or near them, and if so, have you considered distancing yourself from them somehow? How much monetary control does your father have over you, and are you able to survive on your own without it? Is the therapy moving you in this direction? What other goals does your therapist have for you?

Finding connections outside of your family is the first step, because when the time comes to leave, you'll want to surround yourself with people you can trust. If your parents are going down a very harmful road, don't let them convince you that you're obligated to go with them.
posted by sian at 8:42 PM on May 5, 2008

Why are those two options mutually exclusive? Are there issues with paying for the therapist? If so, can you find a therapist with a sliding-scale fee?

My mom seriously messed with my head. She was not as bad as your father, it sounds like, but she did a pretty good job of breaking me as a functioning person. It was not until I completely separated myself from her that I was able to start putting myself back together. I could go to therapy all I liked--and therapy was important--but getting away from her was even more important. So if it absolutely has to be one or the other, I would pick moving from the toxic environment as soon as possible.
posted by schroedinger at 8:44 PM on May 5, 2008

On preview, what those guys said.

I was 7 the first time I tried to leave home. 17 the next and 19 when I had no other option but to join the Army. It worked for me.

The best thing you can do is to leave it behind for a while and become your own man. You can always come back later to do some repair work, but the longer you wait to become independent the harder it will be.

Go find a really hard labor job, try to be a good man and then be proud of yourself.

I wish you luck and you can e-mail me.
posted by snsranch at 9:08 PM on May 5, 2008

To clarify "labor job", I just mean something more physically challenging than mental, for it's therapeutic benefit.
posted by snsranch at 9:11 PM on May 5, 2008

he best thing you can do right now is to establish some serious boundaries with your family.

Do whatever it takes to become financially independent. Money can be the biggest weapon of manipulation used by dysfunctional parents. As long as your dad is paying your way, he's going to have control over you. Become financially dependent. Maybe this means moving into a house with 6 room-mates and working full time for awhile. Stop accepting your dad's money.

MOVE. Find a job, internship, educational opportunity that is a healthy distance away. Maybe now is a good time for you to go do an exchange program or work abroad type thing.

Work hard to make a build a chosen family and treat them kindly. Build a base of friends that you can spend holidays with and can talk to when things are really bad. Some of the closest, best friends I've ever made also come from screwed up family backgrounds. Do be careful when choosing romantic partners, that you aren't picking out people with the same negative qualities as your parents. Seriously. Do not date people who mistreat you or who have substance abuse issues. You are more vulnerable to relationships like this because it's what you are used to.

You are not sentenced to repeat the mistakes and flaws of your parents. You don't have to carry their abuse around your neck like a bloody albatross. You are young! Take the opportunity to invent yourself as the person you want to be.
posted by pluckysparrow at 9:19 PM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Take it from me, there are worse things than being young, poor, and screwed up...and one of those worse things is being under the thumb of a narcissistic asshole or struggling not to enable a depressed, alcoholic mother. I've been there and got the merit badge. You need to get away. You don't have the tools to deal with this yet, and you have to overcome a lot of negative crap in your upbringing until you can (if you ever can) muster the type of boundaries that allow you to deal with these types of people without being subsumed.

The first thing you need to realize is that you are not broken beyond repair, nor are you significantly more screwed up than many other people out there. As much as it can be a comfort to think that every time you fail it's because of what "those people did to you," you have to realize that other people have overcome more. Realize this, and you will be fine. Don't fall into the trap of victimhood - it's almost impossible to escape. Be kind to yourself and keep trying. Make friends, succeed and enjoy your freedom!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:31 PM on May 5, 2008

Get out. My father was as you describe. You can have a whole life, you do not need anyone else. It's nice to have others to count on but at one point or another you have to do for yourself. I have been there with shitty jobs and choosing tuition and a lot of crackers and peanut butter over rotting in comfort. You are over the worst part already, since you know something must be done.
posted by jet_silver at 9:54 PM on May 5, 2008

I will second moving. My dad isn't actually abusive, but he's controlling in his own way. Moving across the country from him has done me a world of good.
posted by kindall at 10:13 PM on May 5, 2008

I third the suggestion to leave.

I had gotten to the point of a serious injury (fractured skull/brain surgery) to do this. In the hospital, a realization came very strong that if my family was around, I would not get better.

In my family, I was the youngest of 10. When I separated, I made it very clear, "There are some things I need to deal with alone. I ask that this be respected and that I have no contact with you until I feel it is ok to do so."

My mother sent out 1/2 my brothers and sisters to get me back. I held my ground with the support of some close friends. They finally got the message after 3-4 tries. It was also telling and eye-opening as to what they did to get me back after realizing this loss of control.

I was 26 when I made this decision.

Here are some things that helped.

-Doing a physical practice of some sort.
-Being told that it is ok to "not forgive" (forgiveness comes in its own time)
-Realizing that all the things that I had done (that in the worldview in which I was raised would be considered sinful) was done as a means of moving towards a sense of freedom, some sort of internal truth and self-responsibility. This includes drugs, sex, etc.
-Realizing that anger is useful and can be tempered and used like a fine blade.
-Realizing that ones body is innocent, not dirty (more Judeo-Xtian BS) and deserves to be fought for and protected.
-Letting go of the pressure of "the need to make something of myself NOW" This is important. You have time to take care of these concerns in the ways that feel right for you in whatever direction you go.

Careful with the analyzing and judgment of yourself. You are courageous enough to be thinking of this now, let alone expressing it. A physical practice vectors you in the direction of getting out of your head (which is where abusive people want you to be), honing your anger to where it is useful (and therefore threatening to your abuser while you protect yourself) and dispersing other energies that do not serve you but can serve others.

Do something physical.......physical labor, yoga......something that keeps you connected to your body.

Know that others have walked this road before you......and are happy, successful, caring of others, have a strong sense of who they are and their own unique purpose.


Good luck!
posted by goalyeehah at 10:20 PM on May 5, 2008 [2 favorites]

My wife's father was similar to yours, though perhaps not as bad. He's a really nice person now but from stories I've heard he was arrogant / abusive / manipulative when she was a teenager. To be fair, she was no angel herself.
Anyway, she went to college several thousand miles away when she was 17, and it was probably the best thing she ever did. They still have issues, and he can still 'push her buttons' without hardly trying. But she has learned how much time she's able to spend around him (and the rest of the family), and basically leaves it at that.
I'm agreeing with everyone else here about leaving. Only you know what form that should take, but I would tend more towards something constructive than a "fuck you I'm out of here" sort of confrontation. Not allowing yourself to be manipulated is a lot more powerful than lashing out in anger; the latter is just a huge handle for a manipulator to grab onto.
You don't say if there was/is any physical abuse. I've heard many stories of children who were physically abused by one or both parents, and at some point, usually when they had grown physically big enough, had just had enough. Sometimes this took the form of grabbing an incoming fist or verbal self defense, sometimes it took the form of beating the crap out of the parent (not recommended). The important point is that in nearly ALL of these cases (that I'm familiar with), as soon as the child stood up forcefully and was able to defend themselves, that was the end of it, and it never happened again.
This is as relevant for emotional difficulties as for physical.
Try not to blame or hate your father. Just do what you need to do and leave him to work out his issues.
posted by crazylegs at 12:41 AM on May 6, 2008

My mother is the same way, get out as fast as you can. Think about it--the longer you're not able to function in a job, the longer you'll be reliant on his support, which will keep you unable to function in a job...

It might hurt, financially, but independence is its own reward. Then you can deal with him on your own terms.

Now might be a good time to check your credit report and make sure he hasn't been exploiting you in that arena, as well. Again, happened to me.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:42 AM on May 6, 2008

The important point is that in nearly ALL of these cases (that I'm familiar with), as soon as the child stood up forcefully and was able to defend themselves, that was the end of it, and it never happened again.
This is as relevant for emotional difficulties as for physical.


Sorry, but no, it's not. Once they figure that they can't get to you directly, they will start (or continue) with the manipulation via family members, friends, etc.

Also, try getting Children of the Self-Absorbed. I can't link to it right now but I recommend using it to help you during interactions with your parents, if you choose to do so.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:03 AM on May 6, 2008

The important point is that in nearly ALL of these cases (that I'm familiar with), as soon as the child stood up forcefully and was able to defend themselves, that was the end of it, and it never happened again.
This is as relevant for emotional difficulties as for physical.

Nope. They just switch tactics. I did the 'ol grab the fist thing with my mom, and no, she never tried to hit me again, but that didn't stop the shit - not by a long shot. The ONLY solution is to get away physically until you're strong enough to distance yourself mentally. The air around these people is poison.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:35 AM on May 6, 2008

The important point is that in nearly ALL of these cases (that I'm familiar with), as soon as the child stood up forcefully and was able to defend themselves, that was the end of it, and it never happened again.

No way. Then they just start threatening your siblings, friends, and pets.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:33 AM on May 6, 2008

My dad was (and probably still is) a right bastard in the emotional sense. My way of dealing with it was to pare down contact to the bare minimum the minute I became an adult. When I call home, I call to talk to my mom. When I visit, I fill my time doing things with other family members so that it isn't quite so obvious that really, I don't want to end up sitting at home with him around to say something shitty. I live fairly far away (10 hours) which also helps, though when I lived 3ish hrs away, that seemed a sufficient distance to skip out on a lot of the shit.

Getting away is the first step to having some room to learn about yourself and work through whatever issues such a toxic person has left you with.
posted by lacedback at 1:24 PM on May 6, 2008

Wow, thanks everyone for these answers, they help more than you can imagine. Answers from real, realistic people shows how things really are. I'd say more, but maybe I should go run around the block instead :)

Thanks!
posted by Submiqent at 3:00 PM on May 6, 2008