How much casual sex is too much casual sex?

April 30, 2008 1:55 PM

I want a boyfriend. But, in the meantime, I could be having sex with people. Should I?

I'm 25, male, and I really, really want a boyfriend. What I really want is exciting, running through the rain, surprise picnics, fireworks, making stupid things for each other, big arguments, big reconciliation, initials-on-trees, naïve, ridiculous teenage love. I haven't had a relationship like this that's ever lasted more than a few months. I try to make a lot of opportunities to meet people, and a couple of times I have met someone I really, really liked, but they didn't want a relationship with me. So I keep looking, and going out with guys, and seeing what happens.

I have ended up dating maybe one new person every two weeks or so. And usually it becomes clear that it's not going to work for one reason or another, and that's more or less that.

But, I've been single like this for years, pretty much. And sometimes, you know, a boy's got to do stuff. For a while I felt pretty uncomfortable about having sex with people if I couldn't see it working out into a relationship. But now, it's not quite that clear cut. I had a few one night stands and felt good about it, and now there's a guy I'm seeing every now and then, just for a cup of tea and some good sex. He's a nice enough guy, and the sex is really good, but I don't want a relationship with him, and I think it's really clear to both of us that that's all it is, and it's fine.

This seems OK, but there are a couple of things on my mind:

If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love? Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

Or on the contrary, should I be making the most of this to experiment sexually and make the most of the freedom, before I commit to one person in a relationship - kind of getting all this out of my system?

If I rack up a fair bit of experience, am I literally fucking up my chances of ever having a sweet, romantic relationship?

If this has ever been you thinking all this, I'd be really grateful to hear how it all ended up. Thanks!

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love?

No.

Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

Sure. That's why some people find faithful monogamy extraordinarily hard to maintain. But right now, what are your alternatives? Be celibate and alone while you look for Mr. Right? That's not much fun.

Don't conflate what the heart wants with what the loins want.

Sometimes, the two align beautifully, and it's the stuff of dreams and poems. Sometimes, they don't align at all, and it's a recipe for heartbreak and anguish.

But you don't usually get a say in the matter. So, I wouldn't waste much time worrying about whether you can force one to affect (or be affected by) the other. You could sleep around for years and never meet the boy to carve initials on trees with. Or you could meet him at exactly the right time. You could meet him tomorrow, and he could be equally inexperienced and you all could learn it all together... or you could meet him tomorrow and he might know it all and be that mentor type of partner.

In other words, there's no real way to know what could happen in your future, so don't sweat it now. The best thing you can do is keep dating: have fun; be responsible with other people's feelings and your own; and continue growing into the person that your ideal boyfriend would want to be with, so that when you meet him, it's right. Don't sit out the game on the sidelines, waiting for something that might come along or might not.

For what it's worth, I think you sound very healthy and realistic about love and relationships. I think it's very responsible of you to consider what the emotional and mental results of casual sex might be before you make it a lifestyle choice. There are people who believe that any "friends with benefits" situation is a bad one, but I'm not one of those people... and I think you should just keep on keeping on.
posted by pineapple at 2:11 PM on April 30

no, i don't think it will ruin your romantic side at all. if anything, it will be a fun way to figure out what you like in bed and learn how to communicate it.

being sexually active and adventurous is not going to turn you into a raving sex addict who will never be satisfied by one man. unless you are one deep down anyway, in which case therapy is the way to go, not forced monogamy.

i think the problem comes when someone develops a disordered view of sex--that it is ONLY pleasure and nothing else, and that your partner is ONLY there to provide you pleasure, and nothing else. but this f*ckbuddy of yours sounds like a totally reasonable compromise--it is only sex, but you have a relationship, and you are invested in at least being friends, if not beloveds. it's like having a mistress (excuse the wrong gender here) without having a wife.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:12 PM on April 30

I personally feel like we owe it to our future partners to learn as many tips and tricks in bed as possible, and sex, like anything else, is a skill that requires practice, and there's nothin' like hands-on practice, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*

I mean, wouldn't you want a partner who can blow your - er - mind in bed? And I think we all have this naive notion that oh, wouldn't it be great to have a partner who's awesome in bed and not very experienced? But what are the odds of being incredibly good at something you don't practice often? Plus it gives you valuable experience. If you are able to get 9 out of 10 partners off easily just by a little of this and a little of that, when the same trick doesn't work on partner #10, you'll know that it's more partner #10 doesn't like that particular trick, not that you "suck in bed."

Anyhow, no, not in my experience.
posted by reebear at 2:16 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

I remember having these concerns before a few years ago. I think a lot of it is pushed by movies and the abstinence people, honestly. I don't believe having a lot of sex could make it less special---I think sex being special is because of who you're with. For a comparison: if sex were food, I think some sex is a bowl of cocoa puffs and some sex is dinner at an italian bistrio by candle light. It can all be good, but good in different ways, and ultimately with greater emotional attachments at some times than others.

Of course, do only what you are truly comfortable doing. I think what you're doing sounds right for you though---someone you know and are comfortable with, but not someone completely random. I wish you many happy returns!
posted by lacedback at 2:17 PM on April 30

> If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love?

I'm hetero/male, but my feeling is this is a resounding "no." Sex outside of a relationship is 'just' sex. That's not to say it can't be incredible and satisfying, but it's of an entirely different ... flavor ... than sex in a relationship.

I suppose it's possible (and I've heard people argue this from time to time) that if you start having out-of-relationship sex, you may decide you like it, and when you get into a monogamous relationship you may miss it. Frankly though, I don't think that's a bad thing -- if you find yourself in the situation of missing casual sex badly enough to want to get out of a LTR, the LTR obviously wasn't doing it for you. (Wouldn't it have been more of a shame if you hadn't known what the alternative was and stayed in a bad LTR out of ignorance? That to me seems like the alternative. It seems preferable to me that everyone comes to the relationship and signs up for monogamy knowing what they're giving up, rather than always wondering if the 'grass is greener' somewhere else.)

Assuming everyone knows what's going on (and from your description it seems like it does), and you're not doing anything unsafe, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong or damaging about having a physically and mentally fulfilling sex life outside of a relationship.
posted by Kadin2048 at 2:18 PM on April 30

If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love? Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

no. sleeping around is very different, IMO, from a loving relationship. (i've done years of being a slut, and nearly as many monogamous by choice. i'm currently not remembering my slut years with many happy thoughts, since they were so tinged by overuse of alcohol and stupid behavior, but those thoughts are probably in part because i'm getting old.) monogamy isn't for everyone, but it isn't that hard if you're fully there with it. besides, you might develop a great loving relationship with someone who isn't into monogamy. never know.

Or on the contrary, should I be making the most of this to experiment sexually and make the most of the freedom, before I commit to one person in a relationship - kind of getting all this out of my system?

why not? the only thing i would caution against is getting caught in a spiral of sleeping with people you really don't like that much. i think that can lead to a fair amount of self-loathing, if you're not careful. also, try not to depend on alcohol too much to smooth the way. be safe, both in the traditional sense and the emotional sense.

If I rack up a fair bit of experience, am I literally fucking up my chances of ever having a sweet, romantic relationship?

no. unless you behave stupidly and obnoxiously and thereby get a reputation that could turn off a potential love, you're okay.

would you be truly interested in someone who was turned off by the fact that you've had sex with others? even a lot of others?

if what you're really saying is that you would be turned off by this sort of sluttiness in a potential love, then you might have a problem. don't do anything you wouldn't want your future-love to have done?
posted by RedEmma at 2:30 PM on April 30

Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

For those who view monogamy as a social requirement and a chore, sure.

For those who find someone awesome whom they like better than the other people (with whom they could be having sex) and are therefore happily committed, no.

The danger of lots of casual sex is pushing yourself into it and overriding your conscience with cynicism, which will result in bitterness, which often winds up expressed in mean or petty ways, which leads to this self-perpetuated cycle of "no-one really knows me or loves me" and "I'm damaged goods but a bad bad man" and "people suck because they don't want me even though I push them away." And then you get reaaallly boooooring.

If you're honestly enjoying the relationships (casual or serious) that you're having, you're probably doing okay.

Your attitude sounds pretty healthy. Go forth and screw.
posted by desuetude at 2:31 PM on April 30

Oh, yay, abstinance math!

Does not compute. Having casual sex does not, in my experience, diminish your ability to enjoy and really engage in loved up sex. Nor does being a happy slut mean that you cannot retire into contented monogamy.

BTW, the fact that you "haven't had a relationship like this that's ever lasted more than a few months" doesn't surprise me. I don't think it's possible to sustain idyllic NRE like that for very much longer. There is something really nice and a little more tidal on the other side, though, I promise!
posted by DarlingBri at 2:42 PM on April 30

I guess I have a slightly different take on things in that I found that when I was dating casually and had an ongoing sexual relationship with someone that I knew wasn't going to lead to anything long-term, it didn't leave me a whole lot of space for keeping an eye open for the "real" thing. I don't know if that's because I'm a girl and you know, we're different about these kinds of things, but just be sure that if you're really wanting a monogamous committed full-on romantic relationship, you're not getting sidetracked by short-term instant-gratification sex. It's certainly possible to do as you are and simultaneously be open to a long-term "sweet, romantic relationship" but I think it takes a very conscious effort. Good luck!
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:43 PM on April 30

If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love? Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

Obviously, it's difficult to get an accurate gauge of your personality just on the basis of your fairly short description of your situation and your questions. However, based on your portrayal of your ideal relationship and your apparent hesitancy about casual sex, you do come across as a person for whom sex and romance/intimacy are actually linked (a relative rarity in the gay community). Given the existence of that link, I would venture to say that once you do find someone that you are happy to be with for the long-term, you'll be fine sexually. Sex qua sex is great; it's 10x better when it's with a person that you actually, deeply care for.


If I rack up a fair bit of experience, am I literally fucking up my chances of ever having a sweet, romantic relationship?

Is this sort of a roundabout way of asking "if I slut it up now, will that make me ineligible for a great relationship"? The answer is no, of course not, as long as you treat people well and don't do anything particularly stupid (unsafe sex, drugs, etc.). Go enjoy your early 20s.

Oh, and awesome use of the [initialsontrees] tag.
posted by detune at 2:46 PM on April 30

I had a era of wild-oats-sowin' in my early 20s. It was grand fun, and I look back on that time pretty fondly while at the same time being very happily commited in a terrific, satisfying monogamous relationship today. One does not cancel out the other; in fact, I have a hunch that one of the reasons my boyfriend and I are a great match in so many ways is precisely because we both had our own wild times when we were younger. Neither of us feels like we missed out on anything, which -- at the same time -- allows us to appreciate more fully what we have together now.

As others have said, the key is to be healthy about catting around. Be safe, treat yourself and others respectfully, and expect the same of your partners.
posted by scody at 2:58 PM on April 30

This is just the experience of a hetero(ish) female, but I went through a promiscuous phase in my 20s, figuring that if I couldn't find love, I might as well get laid. I finally came to the conclusion that getting laid was preventing me from finding love, because the guys who were looking for one night stands were not looking for long-term relationships. It never happened that I slept with a guy and he wanted to date me (sleep with me again, be friends with me, yes - but not go on romantic dates). I found the love of my life after I'd been celibate for awhile. My breadth of experience hasn't diminished my passion for my fiance; however, there are things other guys would do that aren't his taste, and occasionally I miss those things.
posted by desjardins at 3:13 PM on April 30

To expand on a point that was perhaps too subtle: I acted and dressed in certain ways that signaled that I wanted to get laid. I neglected the parts of my personality that would make someone fall in love with me. I was a less well-rounded person when I was promiscuous, and I became a much more interesting person after a few months of celibacy.
posted by desjardins at 3:14 PM on April 30

You may well find a LTR possible with someone who separates expectations of sexual fidelity from emotional fidelity. Men in same-sex relationships don't always expect the same degree of monogamy from the other partner, compared with what is expected of partners in heterosexual relationships. Part of this is social — straight relationships are expected to lead up to marriage — but I suspect part of this is genetic — guys like sex. If you think your relationship is getting serious and you want to keep it that way, communicate with your possible long-term lover your hopes and wants.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:01 PM on April 30

Do what you want to do. As long as you are honest in your interactions and do not lead on your casual flings (and that you're safe, obviously), you're not doing anything wrong. And no, it's not like after x amount of sexual partners, you're going to overdose and become unloveable.

On the other hand, if dating is leaving you empty or worried, maybe you should try not dating for a while. Take a celibate month and use your time constructively. You might like the sensation, or you might prefer to get back into the thick of things. Either way, the important thing is to do what you want and not cook up unjustified worries for yourself.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:20 PM on April 30

It's very common for young gay adults to spend their twenties in a sort of second adolescence, making up for all the carousing, exploring, and mistaking that they weren't able to do as teenagers. This causes a conflict in some people who feel that they should be looking to settle down and get serious like their straight counterparts, but you really need to move at your own speed, which means dismantling that giant ticking clock you've got hanging over your head and enjoying what you have in front of you right now.

If you want to become a certain kind of person, don't immediately begin trying to take on all the characteristics of that kind of person all at once, it's a surefire way to fail and feel depressed about your shortcomings. Pick up some small new habits to ensure that you're growing into the kind of person you'd like to eventually become, and focus on the world around you with the rest of your attention instead.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 7:43 PM on April 30 [1 favorite]

Look at this another way - do you want to be in your 40s, in a permanent relationship and wishing that you had played around more when you were younger? No, you don't - trust me on this. In general, we regret the things we didn't do far more that the things we we did.
posted by dg at 8:16 PM on April 30

I think moderation is the key with this sort of thing. I have a couple male gay friends who had slept with 150+ guys by their 21st birthday and have found it nearly impossible to have a monogamous relationship. They also got bored painfully quickly with any given guy and the turnover rate from guy to guy, from more extreme to more extreme sexual experience seemed to amp up exponentially over time. I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but from my purely anecdotal experiences what you fear happening can happen. However, I am talking about extreme promiscuity here. It doesn't sound like that's what you're talking about, so I say have some fun, but don't go totally crazy.
posted by whoaali at 9:06 PM on April 30

"big arguments, big reconciliation, initials-on-trees, naïve, ridiculous teenage love. I haven't had a relationship like this that's ever lasted more than a few months."

Dude, relationships like that only last a few months. After that, they either chill out or become unhealthy drama factories.

Whereas it sounds like you actually have a pretty good thing going with your fuckbuddy. Good sex won't "ruin" you for anything, except bad sex, and you're free to date on the side, right?

And to answer your titular question, too much casual sex is when you feel bored and annoyed with casual sex.
posted by klangklangston at 9:46 PM on April 30

Yes you should. Having some fun now will allow you to identify those qualities you are looking in your partner better.
posted by The1andonly at 7:18 AM on May 2