Imaginary friend the evil monkey appears in toddlers nightmares

March 15, 2008 7:56 AM

Imaginary friends - my daughter has a "bad monkey" she's recently developed. Now the monkey appears in her nightmares, causing "terror dreams" where she looks awake but clearly isn't. [mi]

The monkey has only recently appeared, and I understand the need for an imaginary friend has probably cropped up due to her being quarantined at home (chicken pox and other things) while I've still had to work (at home next to her). She's lonely. However, the monkey, whom she blamed for broken things and spills and even claimed "hit her/pushed her" at times is now in her dreams at night causing terror-wakeups at the same time every night. The monkey "bites her neck" (points to the throat) and "pushes her back" (points to the small of her back). She'll seem awake, eyes open and all, but can't seem to see or hear me or her father until several minutes of screaming later. I've heard that "terror wakeups" can be cured by gently waking the child each night before the terror usually sets in and keeping them awake for ten minutes or so, and a week or so after doing this each night they'll stop. I'm also just generally worried, she's 2 years and 5 months, should she already be having such dreams and evil imaginary friends? She's slept in our bed with the lights on during this time. Last night we searched the house for the monkey, and declared it "thrown out of the house" when it could not be found, which made her very happy but she still woke up from a nightmare at a quarter to two on the dot as usual. I'm not sure if I should acknowledge the monkey - explain that it doesn't exist - or tell her to tell the monkey to go away. What's the best way of dealing with this?

posted by dabitch to health & fitness (18 comments total)

Now the monkey appears in her nightmares, causing "terror dreams"

I don't think that the imaginary "friend" is likely the root cause of the terror dreams. If she didn't have the monkey, she'd be having the dreams about something else. You probably want to seek out advice and resources about fears and nightmares/night-terrors in general (e.g. identify the things that are stresses in her life and see what you can do to calm them) rather than focus on the monkey.
posted by winston at 8:06 AM on March 15, 2008

Probably a good idea to try the advice of setting your alarm clock for a little before she wakes with the dream to try to disrupt the pattern (if you haven't been doing that already). One other thing to try is to send her to sleep with a talisman of some sort - like a stuffed animal. A family member had dreams like this (also sleepwalking) around that age, vivid enough that we all were really questioning whether there weren't in fact bad people in the walls. His stuffed panda was a real hero during that time, fought the bad people and kept him protected.
posted by jenh at 8:12 AM on March 15, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think the "monkey" is a red herring here. The rest of what you describe is typical night terrors, which is not uncommon at the age of your child.

I suggest not trying to wake your child up during these screaming fits. As bizarre as it sounds, often the child will go back to sleep from that eyes-open state without really gaining full consciousness, and not remember the episode in the morning.

Forcing the child awake after the episode over and inquiring repeatedly, "What happened? Was it the MONKEY? Was it the MONKEY AGAIN!?" is going to cause a sleepy, confused child to agree with her parents about the pernicious influence of the monkey. Just don't talk about the monkey or the episode and put her back to sleep as soon as possible. Night terrors usually remit.
posted by ikkyu2 at 8:33 AM on March 15, 2008

Whenever I would get nightmares as a child I would wake up and when I went back to sleep they would pick up where they left off.

What worked for me was sleeping near a fan. The sound of the fan for whatever reason made it so I couldn't dream at all. Might be worth a shot.
posted by banished at 8:48 AM on March 15, 2008

I suggest not trying to wake your child up during these screaming fits. As bizarre as it sounds, often the child will go back to sleep from that eyes-open state without really gaining full consciousness, and not remember the episode in the morning.

This is exactly how my parents eventually dealt with the night terrors* that I had at about three or four years old. If they woke me from my screaming, I was befuddled and distraught. If they let me work through it and resume normal sleep, they found I had no memory of it in the morning.

*Only later did my mother decide that I must have been going through night terrors. At the time, she only knew they weren't typical nightmares or any sleep pattern she'd seen in her previous children, and that scared the bejeezus out of her. Me? I felt fine once they let me sleep through the terrors. My only frightening memories of these events are memories of my mother shaking me awake. And the episodes stopped after a while.
posted by Elsa at 9:14 AM on March 15, 2008

Thanks all.

I haven't prompted her about the monkey during/after night terrors - only tried to calm her down. She's said unpromted "can't sleep, monkey will eat me" (well, paraphrased to be funny here) last night and the night before. Before that, evil monkey was clearly just an imaginary thing that she blamed all sorts of mischief on and talked about a lot - developed in these last quarantined (read: boring) weeks.

So, imaginary monkey - acknowledge, ignore, explain it doesn't exist?

And sleep terrors (treated as separate issue as winston probably nails that), talisman, waking before the terrors occur, or don't wake? My current situ is very stressed at the moment and won't lighten up anytime soon, perhaps she's picking up on this. (probably) She has a stuffed rabbit that she likes, i'll try that and and the don't wake method at first.

Thanks again.
posted by dabitch at 9:34 AM on March 15, 2008

My older brother fixed my night-terrors by making me sleep with a Mexican peso stuck to my forehead. He said it was a magical token that had been handed down through my family for many generations, and that it would cause me to become invisible during my dreams (which was great, because my terrors involved being chased by wolves).

I wouldn't even talk about the monkey. But equipping your child with some kind of weapon (attack panda, magical token, ray gun) when they go to sleep might give them lucid access to it during the dream and allow them to confront and (hopefully) overcome whatever it is that's scaring them.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 9:57 AM on March 15, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I agree with ikkyu2 that there are probably two issues. One is the monkey as a surrogate for your daughter's "bad" behaviour, and two is the sleeping issue. I think you should focus on the sleep issue since improving that will put you/her in a better position to deal with other stuff.

I've been reading Jodi Mindell's Sleeping Through the Night to understand some of my own 2.5yo's sleep issues and she has a chapter on night terrors. Much of your description seems to match, but some doesn't. Anyway, a few notes from her book. First she says sleep deprivation is the most common cause, and that you shouldn't wake the child. Don't bring up the event the next day as it may cause anxiety about sleep that night, but if the child mentions it reassure her--in an age-appropriate way--that it's normal (maybe something like "Yes, everyone has rough nights. You tossed and turned a bit last night then settled down and slept well") and move on to another topic. (Mindell is director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Children's Hospital in Philadelphia. I've really liked her approach for more run of the mill sleep issues with kids, so I recommend the book as a first step.)

I think the monkey stuff will fade with time, but beware falling into a trap of not holding your daughter accountable for her own behaviours, even at this age. Her ability to integrate her capacity for "bad" behaviours while still being loved and valued is important, and if you let the monkey get away with everything, she won't have early opportunity to do this.
posted by cocoagirl at 10:18 AM on March 15, 2008

I can't comment on the night terrors but when my son was that age he had a little stuffed bear who had a major biting problem. He would put the stuffed bear up to my arm and say "bite, bite, bite". When this happened, I helped my son give Rainbow Bear a time out. Clearly he was re-routing his own feelings about badness through the bear and then i could help him act out the parental side of loving control. I would not let him get away with blaming the bear for something he did or they did together (eg if he threw the bear at a lamp) - I would just give both of them time outs.

So if the monkey pushes or bites, I would say something like "Pushing is wrong - it is not OK to hurt other people - I think that Monkey needs a time out. Why don't you give him a time out right now?" (or "Monkey, go sit in the time out chair right now!"). Let her me the one to tell Monkey when time out is over and remind him of what he should do. (She would say something like "Time is over. Remember, Monkey, next time you feel like pushing, use your words instead." She'll probably love the chance to be the boss.

If she does something a blames the monkey, I would say, "No, I think that one was your responsibility. You need a time out." If she says "Monkey really did it" I would say "If Monkey helped you, then Monkey needs a time out too." and then allow no further debate.

Hope this gives you some ideas - obviously you would adapt it to your own family's style of dealing with problem behavior.
posted by metahawk at 12:02 PM on March 15, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Explain to your daughter that monkeys hate the smell of Lysol. Help her spray some of it around her bed and across her doorway and windows before she goes to bed. Spray some in the closet and under the bed for good measure, too. The monkey will be so disgusted by the smell that he won't want to come into her room.
posted by EarBucket at 2:00 PM on March 15, 2008

I get nightmares reliably if I eat something oily or greasy or fried and/or too much of it not too long before sleep, have you considered modifying the diet? Milk and bananas a couple of hours before sleep are filling and very healthy.
posted by rainy at 2:06 PM on March 15, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Following up on what "banished" said, as an adult I get nightmares if my bed or bedroom is too warm, so sleeping with a fan might be worth a shot (plus there's the motor sound that might have a calming effect).
posted by forthright at 2:21 PM on March 15, 2008

Dreams occur when we wake up from REM sleep. Our mind attempts to interpret the data it is getting based on the confusing input that occurs during REM sleep. There are neither dreams nor nightmares when we are asleep. See if your daughter can sleep through the terrors.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:45 PM on March 15, 2008

When I had night terrors as a little kid my parents would come in and "change the channel" on my dreams by flipping over the pillow. For some reason, that really worked for me. My dreams would almost always change once this happened. Two year old still have issues sorting out reality from fiction and imagination. I think that it's a reasonable tactic to use this naivete to your advantage.

It's a similar vein into what Earbucket said about using lysol. Though I would recommend using something nicer, like perfume as a monkey repellent.

I'm sure that once she gets out of quarantine these will probably subside. Her brain is bored and once it has more entertaining things to focus on the "monkey" will naturally resolve itself. Until then, the best of luck.
posted by JimmyJames at 3:27 PM on March 15, 2008

I get night terrors if I'm sleep-deprived and stressed out. I wake myself up when they happen. If I go right back to sleep, they start where they stopped. But if I sit up and walk around before going back to sleep, they don't come back. This goes against other advice here, but it works for me.
posted by halonine at 5:37 PM on March 15, 2008

Okay, I'm gonna just bring this up because it worked for my niece. She was having nightmares after her parents rented Edward Scissorhands. The noises of the scissors really freaked her out and every night she kept dreaming that he was coming after her to cut her. She also kept thinking she was seeing him in her room when the lights were turned off. What I did was I found a big stuffed bear, I forget what I named it, but I told her that this bear was trained to protect little girls while they slept so nothing would ever happen to them. I said that it was his one and only job and he was good at it. I told her that he would sit at the foot of her bed or wherever she wanted him, and there was no way anyone could ever hurt her if he had anything to say about it. She was hesitant to believe it at first but I talked her into it, and eventually she went to sleep. She only woke up once afterwards and I saw that after she bolted awake she looked for the bear and there he was. So she fell back asleep after seeing that he was still watching over her.

I don't know if that'll work for you but my niece was about the same age and that bear made her feel safe and secure enough that her Edward Scissorhand nightmares totally disappeared pretty quickly.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:50 PM on March 15, 2008

Update!

Thanks for all the advice guys, we are trying a sleeping over at the cousins summer house approach right now to a) relieve boredom (three girl cousins and a rock beach will keep her at play all day) and b) to reset sleeping pattern.

We had a small try-out last night as we had dinner at a friends, and she decided to go to sleep unprompted in their bed when she felt tired. She woke up at ten to midnight with a "no! Monkey!" wave and turned over and went straight back to sleep without any screams. I carried her home later and in our walk she talked about all the ducks being asleep, the moon being out and all the birds asleep. No terror-dream at two. Tonight she'll be in the summer house and tomorrow as well. She's armed with a special bunny who will sleep with her and protect her.

Also, I've nailed down what "monkey" is. Monkey is "the unknown". She's never excused her own spills or messes on monkey (she cleans up her own messes), but rather if she overestimates her ability to climb and falls, it's because "monkey pushed her". If she sets a cup too close to the edge of a table, and later gravity makes it fall off while she's jumping elsewhere in the room, monkey spilled.
She's had problems sleeping in her bedroom as it lies beneath a kitchen where there's tiled floors and wooden chairs. She'd go to sleep as they sat down for dinner, and wake up abruptly when they moved their chairs out making all sorts of scary ceiling noise. This is why she now sleeps with us (or starts her sleep time in our bed and then I carry her to her room if we've agreed on this before she falls asleep). Monkey, apparently, lives in the ceiling, so it's the unknown noise that is named monkey, and now anything she can't quite explain how it happened: ie a cup not pushed over by her.

We watched an episode of curious george together where George heard things from the upstairs neighbour and spends the entire show trying to figure out what made that noise. This is probably why the unknown noise is now "a monkey".

Add quarantine boredom to that, and now monkey is blamed for everything she doesn't quite understand. The only mention of monkey today was at breakfast. "You want cornflakes?" "yes, I want cornflakes. Monkey gets no cornflakes." I acknowledge that she gets cornflakes but didn't mention monkey.

Hopefully monkey will go away soon. Meanwhile, I'll try and see if we can't visit the neighbours one day so she might get a better grasp of the concept "my ceiling is somone elses floor".

Thanks for all of your advice.
posted by dabitch at 5:13 AM on March 16, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Update for any parents finding this thread - staying away from home three nights in a row successfully reset sleeping pattern. She no longer has terror-dreams!

Yeay!
posted by dabitch at 4:41 PM on March 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]