Dating a divorced man. Help me rationalize this relationship mess before I gouge my eyeballs out.
I've been dating a 29 guy I met in December 2007. He is 29 years old and divorced as of two years ago (his ex-wife cheated on him). He has a suspended license due to a DUI, a crappy job, no college education, is a former male model, and has financial problems. I am 20 years old and have a graduate education.
In January we went on our first real date and had a great time. The chemistry was there. Our kissing turned into an almost-hookup. He didn't have a condom and neither of us have sex without protection. He did mention he was glad because things were going too fast for him.
We saw each other again the following week. This was after a week of sexually-themed phone calls. Similar evening: we had a nice night out, the sexual tension was there, but when we got back to his apartment, he couldn't get an erection. He said it was from all the alcohol he drank. I suppose in retrospect I got up and left in a hurry, allowing him to think I was running off to see some other guy, but I left only because it was approaching 5 a.m. and I was tired (and maybe a little frustrated).
He said he wanted to see me again the next day, which was Superbowl Sunday, but when he called me he didn't seem enthused because he had plans to watch the Superbowl and wanted to spend a serious amount of time with me. I was fine with delaying our plans. During this conversation he insecurely asked me if I was seeing anyone else, and I told him the truth-- I wasn't.
We saw each other the next weekend. Again, this was after a week of sexual phone conversations about all the things he wanted to do to me next time he saw me. We spent a few hours at the beach, but toward the end of our date he said he was tired and he just wanted to go home and sleep, but mentioned he knew I wanted to have sex. I denied this, although I would have slept with him had the opportunity arisen.
We saw each other the next weekend... this was to be our last date. And of course this was after some very sexual phone conversations. We had plans to go to a local sex shop. I had hinted weeks earlier that I wanted a vibrator and wanted his company, but I purposely waited for him to bring up the subject. I wore my 'sex dress.' It is impossible to not get laid in that dress. When we went out, every guy was staring at me, yet he made no comment. When he asked what we were going to do that evening and I inpatiently brought up the sex shop plans, he said (AFTER TALKING ABOUT IT FOR DAYS!!!), "that is something you do during the day." Interestingly, we never had plans to see each other during the day. So we saw a movie, did a lot of kissing before and after the movie, then came close to having sex in my car (a lot of heavy kissing and touching, yet I was not allowed to touch his parts. He did not have an erection.), but he eased off and said he wasn't ready. As usual, he said next time he would do this and that to me, but I told him explicitly that I didn't believe him and that I wasn't out just to get laid, so he didn't need to say things like that to get me to stick around. He said that he is "over casual sex," which hurts my feelings because I don't think we're considered casual anymore. I made it clear to him that sex actually isn't my top priority, but he consistently led me on and I was frustrated. He also said he felt like the woman in the relationship because I drive and pick him up, he's the tease, etc. I eventually dropped him off at his home after he ignored me during the car ride, and he apologized and left.
When I called him the next day, he said the entire night was off, which I agreed with at the time even though I know that isn't true. We were all over each other (or at least he was all over me), but things didn't go sour until the very end of the night. He said that I have a black cloud that follows me everywhere, and that I need to get my issues sorted out before we get anymore serious. (I have a poor relationship with my parents as can be followed in my previous posts, while he is extremely, almost creepily, close to his family.)
Prior to that night, he was always the one to call me. Now I started calling him. During every phone conversation I'd ask subtle questions to make sure everything was okay between us, and he said explicitly that everything was fine. (Although he did say he initially had a problem with my supposed Xanax addiction, but I stopped cold-turkey (I know, I know...) a few weeks ago and he knows this... his maternal side of the family is composed of drug addicts, so understandably he can't stand to be around people with drug issues. He said my previous reliance on Xanax is no longer an issue.) On one occasion, he said he wanted me to meet his parents in the not so distant future. He also further explained his hang-up about sex. He said that in the past he would meet and quickly sleep with girls before quickly losing interest, and he was looking for passion. I said I understood perfectly and didn't mind at all, but I was confused because he kept saying 'next time, next time, etc.' I also used this time to correct his impression of me and stress that I'm not really that sexual. He's just incredibly attractive and whenever I'm around him, the desire strikes me. I'm absolutely fine with waiting a bit before having sex. Also during these phone calls, he often played a therapist role. He would bring up my family situation, ask me questions, and offer sincere, heartfelt advice. He's always felt bad for me because of my family situation, although I never try to bring it up or evoke pity from him. Lastly, he said that I "need love, and not the romantic kind."
Fast forward to two weeks ago. We have plans to go out one Friday evening. He calls me 20 minutes before I'm to pick him up to tell me that something came up at work and he might not get off until 8-9 p.m., but that he'll keep in touch. Note that he called a 5:30 p.m. I called him against my better judgement at 8 p.m. and 9 p.m., both times asking what was going on, if he wanted to do something later in the evening since I was in the area, etc. but he never returned my phone calls.
At this point, everyone told me to walk away. (It's also worth noting that everyone I've told this story to thinks he's a loser.) But five days later, I text messaged him saying, "Do I ever get to find out what happened that made you lose interest?" He responded, telling me he was out of town, dealing with family drama, and that he would call me in a few days when he gets back into town. This was on Wednesday. It's now Sunday, and I still haven't heard from him. On the one hand, given how close he is to his family, his impromptu trip doesn't surprise me, but couldn't he have at least called to apologize?
What am I supposed to think? About the sex issue? About our relationship?
Although I suffer from low self-esteem, I know he is attracted to me. He's commented many times on what an attractive couple we make. But even if he's so opposed to having sex this 'early' on, how easy is it for most guys to walk away from sex when they're already naked and a mere insertion away from the whole deal? And I've never seen him with an erection. Many times on the phone he would tell me he has an erection, but after a while I started ignoring those statements, not wanting to play anymore games.
Does he even sound interested? Since our last date, we've had hours of phone conversations and he mentioned more than once what he likes about me, that everything is okay between us, etc., and we would joke around and talk about everything under the sun, but yet he stopped being the one to call me almost a month ago. And now it looks like he's blowing me off.
Someone told me he's likely uninterested, but doesn't want to tell me because he feels sorry for me (given my abusive home life; see my post history if you want details-- too lengthy to bring up here). This is my biggest fear. But I gave him the opportunity to say so-- when I text messaged him, mentioning his loss in interest... he could have given me a "Sorry, I'm over it" response. Right?
Could it be that he's not ready for another relationship? He hasn't dated anyone seriously since his divorce two years ago. He said he "hasn't dated someone like me in a long time," although I now take everything he says with a grain of salt. And it doesn't help that his ex-wife and I have similar backgrounds and interests (I actually know her, unbeknownst to him...). Actually, we're uncannily similar.
Maybe my family baggage turns him off? This scenario bothers me the most. I feel like I overlooked so much to like him that he should be able to overlook a few things that are beyond my control and don't even bother me that much. Not wanting to be dishonest, but also not wanting to tell him everything, I only answered his questions. Not everyone has the perfect relationship he has with his parents. Why is he holding this against me?
Or is it that he's intimidated by me? There's quite an age gap between us, as well as a difference in accomplishments. I sometimes can't help but think that he is a deadbeat, but is it fair that I'm imposing my image of success onto him? After all, while I may be the one with the accomplishments, he is the happier one.
The only thing I can think to do is call him once more and ask for the truth. If he's over me, that's fine, but I think he should at least tell me. Right? I'm not needy, but I think it's unrealistic to leave things open like this.
posted by sansgras to human relations (76 comments total)
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I'll be curious to see if you can find someone here with a different opinion. Not me, for sure. Why are you so worried about whether this guy likes you? Do you like him? Do you REALLY? Is this the romance you dream of? Let him go. In fact, MAKE him go- next time you talk to him, tell him it's over. Consider yourself lucky that it turned out this way. Hold out for something better. You deserve it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:52 PM on March 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]