Help a miserable 20something deal with her paranoid, overprotective father!
Long story short: I need help dealing with an overprotective parent. His behavior and beliefs have been debilitating both developmentally and socially, and I can't stand to watch another stagnant year go by. I need to start living my life.
I'm a 20 year old girl and a bit of an old soul. I've already graduated from college with honors and I'm almost done with my master's. I have a full time job. I'm attractive, I take care of myself, I have everything I want in the material sense, but I'm miserable. I don't have friends. I've never dated. I don't go out. I have no sense of enjoyment in my life. I don't know how to interact with people or cope with my anxiety.
I grew up with an extremely overprotective father. He's from the Middle East, so it's largely a cultural issue, but he is paranoid to a pathological extent. The interesting thing is, he's a perfectly intelligent and logical man in every respect except this.
Growing up, I couldn't have friends or go to birthday parties because my friends might have fathers and fathers rape children, and unless he knew the parents, I couldn't go, and he wouldn't meet the parents because they're probably sick people, etc. etc. Typical thinking of my father. (My mother, on the other hand, is completely normal. Unfortunately, married to my father, she has no say in anything, so everything was always up to my father.) For a period of time, I had a boy's haircut and he encouraged me to wear male clothing. Forget about ever wearing a sleeveless shirt in public. When we went to the beach as a family, everyone sat in their bathing suits. I had to wear an oversized t-shirt and shorts. So obviously at an early age I had this idea ingrained in my head that I was ugly, my body was something to be ashamed of, etc. This, among other things, set the stage for the eating disorder I later developed.
I certainly made friends as a kid-- the social anxiety did not come until later-- but it was obviously difficult to explain to my peers that beyond school there would be no sleepovers or trips to the mall, etc.
By the time I reached high school age, I was depressed to the point of suicide. Understandably, people lose interest in you when they believe you are constantly blowing them off. I stopped talking to people entirely. I could easily spend a day at school without opening my mouth once, and even my teachers stopped interacting with me. Of course, my father was oblivious to my emotional issues. His reasoning was that I had everything I wanted or needed in life, and "some kids don't have parents who love them," and so I was ungrateful to "act" so sad. His still believes this today. He invalidates all of my feelings because I have nothing to feel bad about. According to him, he's the best dad anyone could ever want, however I am too ungrateful to realize it. Afterall, he did pay for the majority of my education, bought me a brand new car, pays for my insurance, etc. I don't know if I'm wrong in feeling this way, but while I fully appreciate his financial help, I still feel disrespected when he refuses to see me as a mature adult who is capable of making her own decisions.
After my first suicide attempt at 15, I did see a therapist and psychiatrist, but they offered little help, and eventually my father stopped allowing me to go to my sessions because he wasn't thrilled with the 'ideas' they were supposedly putting in my head. I tried to warn both my therapist and psychiatrist, but interestingly, they told me not to worry, my parents wouldn't do that, etc. (Yet another example of having my feelings invalidated...) I never saw them again.
As far as where I stand today, I'm an introspective person. I fully understand how and why I ended up the way I am. I understand that at this point I need professional help if I ever want to be normal. I'd love to find a good psychiatrist and therapist again, but my insurance is through my father, and I wouldn't be able to hide it from him... or would I?
It's also worth mentioning that I suffer from an eating disorder. I lack self-esteem and confidence entirely. I still suffer from general anxiety disorder, although it has gotten worse. I am visibly tense in public places and new situations, but I am comfortable around a few people I've come to know and trust. People tend to shy away from me because I appear arrogant, when the truth of the matter is, I don't even consider myself equal to anyone. I believe this idea that I'm arrogant comes from the fact that I don't open up to others easily, I don't smile, I have my guard up at all times (major fear of rejection), I have a hard time joking around and making small talk, and I dress myself in a manner than only makes me look like more of a snob. (The appearance bit is another can of worms -- I spend major cash on nice clothing, shoes, bags, beauty treatments, etc. I'm stuck on this idea that I can only establish my self worth through my outward appearance.) Everyone who knows me well jokes about this a lot because, according to them, once they get to know me, I'm actually a friendly, funny, and insightful person. It kills me knowing I have these qualities, but I can't allow them to be shown.
Everyday things tend to worry me and I unconsciously focus on the worst possible outcome in every situation. Few things in life are effortless for me. I've turned down my opportunities both directly and indirectly because of my lack of self-esteem and self-respect.
.
Today I can joke about my father's neuroses, but it's still something that has affected me, and continues to affect me, deeply. I think on some level my father realizes his mistakes. My parents raised my sister (I am the first child) completely differently. She was allowed to develop socially in a normal manner, and she's a happy girl. I can't help but think that could have been me. At 15, she's talking on the phone and making plans with friends. At 15, I was locking myself in bathrooms and mutilating my body.
Despite all of this, I managed to perform very well in college. I had to turn down a competitive graduate program in another state because of my father's unwillingness to let me move (clearly, it's not safe!), and instead take part in something less desireable, but there is nothing I can do to change that now. I plan to apply to medical school soon, but of course, only to schools in states in which my father is willing to live, because he's coming with me. I met a lot of nice people during undergrad, but I never allowed myself to get close to them, never returned calls, etc. and eventually they stopped calling. Again, I never dated. I didn't go to a single party. I studied and established by self-worth through my grades and academic endeavors, which I'm not even proud of. I still feel like a fraud.
So with all that explaining, the problem is, I'm miserable. I want to have friends, I want to go out and meet new people, I'd love to start dating. I'm always told that I would meet so many guys if I simply just went out, but I'm too scared. Of intimacy. Of letting someone into my personal space. Of just having a close friend. I don't know what any of that is like!
I realize at this age my father can't force me to abide by his rules, but when for 20 years you've grown up with this idea that the world is unsafe and people are twisted and you're helpless and incompetent, it's very difficult to just get up one day and conquer the world. It just doesn't work like that. Most people who know me well are surprised to learn I live in such seclusion, because I don't appear as someone who would. Outwardly, I am attractive, presentable, articulate, and can put on a smiling face. On the inside, I'm terrified of people and rejection ever more so.
I went out to lunch with two female friends the other day, and it absolutely killed my father to watch me leave the house. When it's such a hassle to do something a simple as meeting up with some friends during the day for lunch (only having to rush home as soon as possible to show that I'm alive and okay), I'm not inclined to keep making an effort to socialize.
I also recently went on a lunch date with a guy I'm very interested in dating. (I've recently decided that I absolutely need a boyfriend, and this will bring me happiness and contentment. Flawed logic, believe me I know, but I'm lonely and desperate). We're compatible and completely on the same page, and I want this to work, but yet I know it never would when I know my father is halfway out of the driveway at 9 p.m. if I'm not home from work. What's even more pathetic, I have to drown myself in benzodiazepines if I want to simply interact with the guy in any manner. I'm sure if he knew this, he'd cut off contact with me immediately. I actually threw up from anxiety the other day after working up the nerve to call him and make a date.
So I guess I'm just looking for general advice. How can I explain to my parents that I need to be in therapy? That my crying and perpetual frowning and starving is not an act, but the only way I know how to cope? That I truly am unhappy? How can I get them to give me more independence and trust my reasoning (when they have no reason not to)? How can I make them see that I've already done so much at such a young age, that I have a good head on my shoulders, that other people are proud of me, that going out and having fun will not be a detriment to my health or future?
I hate sneaking around, and I'd really like to avoid an arguement, but everytime I've asked my father these questions, I've received the same response. He's older and wiser; therefore he knows what's best. He's a black and white thinker, so the second I ask for independence, he screams and interprets that as saying I don't need him at all. Very childish... I suppose I think I already know the answer to my questions: I'll never be able to change my father or the past, and the best solution is to move out on my own. But that's easier said than done, when you were raised to believe you are incompetent. Help!
posted by sansgras to grab bag (51 comments total)
28 users marked this as a favorite
Subscribe
Then move out. Move a long way away -- across country. Get a job in a different city. If he says "no", do it anyway.
You don't need to "ask for independence". It's yours by right. The Constitution says so, and so does the law. Once you turn 21, he has no more right to give you orders than I do.
But you have to do it. No one can free a slave who refuses to be free.
(And, though I hesitate to say this for fear of being branded a racist, please, please try to avoid becoming a statistic, OK? If you think he might decide to respond to this with an "honor killing", don't give him that chance!)
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 8:32 PM on December 23, 2007