It's three a.m. and I don't know where my career is.

February 9, 2008 3:05 PM

I'd like to hear from anyone who's found a substantial way to contribute to the world despite being sloppy and obsessive. Or I guess from people who found some plausibly repeatable way of moving from sloppy and obsessive to careful and flexible, despite having despaired of doing so at some time in the past.

I've been studying to be a scientist pretty much my whole adult life. Depression and physical health issues held me back for a long time, but recently I've mostly got those licked (though I'm pretty depressed just at the moment....)

I have been a fuckup at every job I've tried, except for private tutoring, which I suppose you can't really make a career of. (Teaching a class, which requires preparation, I am at best mediocre at, and often terrible.) Even simple jobs back when I was a teenager, like newspaper delivery.

I had a long conversation with my advisor this week, which included an hour-long litany of all the ways I've fucked up in the years I've worked with him, and concluded with him telling me he's not going to renew my soon-to-expire contract with him. He was gentle about it, hoping he could help me, but I despair of fixing the problems he raised. They have been plaguing me for a long time. They are basically issues of character and fixing them ought to be a matter of will, but despite resolving repeatedly to do better, I keep stumbling the same ways.

Here are the problems:

• I don't follow through on things. I tend to latch on to shiny new ideas without polishing old ones. I don't establish a solid conceptual framework around the ideas I pursue, establishing their context in existing work, I just jump in. I have very few publications, because I have kept putting off writing until I have something which will be immediately helpful to others. And now the clock has run out.
• I don't focus on administrative details. I have never written any grants. The times I have tried, there has always been some stupid detail tripping me up, like confusion about deadlines. I didn't do my taxes for years, until I got a nastygram from the IRS, and I was filled with dread throughout the whole process (but I ended up getting a lot of money back.) When contemplating such tasks, I get nervous because feel like I should be getting on with my real work.
• I spend way too much time online. (I recognize the contradiction between this and the nervousness I just described. It mystifies me.)
• I make a lot of mistakes. Generally, it doesn't hurt me much, because I run into a contradiction with my mistaken assumptions pretty quickly. But it hasn't helped my advisor's opinion of me that I have retracted so many assertions, over the years.

The frustrating thing is that I know I have the intellectual capacity to do science. My advisor said I'm "practically the smartest person in the building" (which contains a lot of very, very smart people) and that it'll be a "huge fucking shame" if I don't end up as a doing science. Maybe he was just trying to ease the sting a bit, but there is some further evidence in my exceptional performance in structured intellectual challenges where the goals are very clear, like class assignments. But this might well be the end of the line for me as a scientist. I have another position lined up, but I put off the formal hiring process, and my advisor has expressed concern that his reference letter might change my prospective new advisor's mind. Well, if that's how it works out, I can live with that. It will almost be a relief to stop struggling, in some ways. But the question is what to do next.

The only directly useful context in which I've excelled has been one-on-one tutoring, where I can just respond immediately to students' misunderstandings. I really enjoy that work, too. But it seems so damn humble and meager, as well as a ripe area for outsourcing and price cuts, as education-related automation improves. I feel like it's important for me to work on steps towards solving some big problem, instead of solving a whole lot of similar little problems over and over again... Is there some field with problems to work on like that where the weaknesses I've described wouldn't cripple me? (My specific intellectual strengths are in math, statistics and to some extent scientific programming.)

The other alternative is to somehow shore up these weaknesses, but I despair of doing so. I meditate, and I've tried ritalin and cognitive therapy, and when I was a kid, I tried a bunch of the crazier self-help stuff. My Dad has had similar problems all his life. But if you think you know something which might help, I'd like to hear of it.

posted by anonymous to work & money (20 answers total)

Maybe these things can be changed. But even if they can't be changed, you can find work that plays to your strengths.

Strengths: You're smart and good at dealing with people. Great. You know a lot about science. Great. (What else? Try to think of things on this list.)

Weaknesses:
You are disorganized. But you do well with in-the-moment tasks. (Especially "structured intellectual challenges where the goals are very clear".) This means you should seek a job that has someone else setting shortish tasks for you, which you can then tackle. As part of a team in industry? You should not be a manager. You should be a ground-level person who has a manager keeping a close eye on you. You can still do interesting work in this scenario; don't reject it because it doesn't sound prestigious enough for your smart self. The key is to find an environment where your strengths will come out, not to find a job that has "prestige" but where your strengths are swamped.

Being this disorganized at this stage in your career suggests you should not be a research scientist in academia -- that's a job that requires huge organizational skill, and the demands for organization skill become greater the further along you go. Being an academic research scientist is one of the most demanding of individuals' organizational skills, of any job; it's like being a CEO plus.


You are a perfectionist which makes you put things off so you don't fail. This means you need very short deadlines that make it impossible to get things perfect. Or possibly you need a close research partner who will force you to draw things to a close as time demands.

If you seek a job that plays to your strengths, your advisor will be able to write a reference letter that's much stronger, because your weaknesses won't matter as much in that context.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:27 PM on February 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you have ADD or ADHD. Have you ever been checked for that? Also, you are bullshitting yourself all over the place. If you never finish something, then you can't fail. You can always have your eye on some grand plan but screw up the details so it doesn't materialize. It is a self-sabotaging behavior, maybe you are afraid to live up to your potential, or maybe you don't want the responsibility of your potential. Lots of people do it, it isn't just you. Some of us are paralyzed by the thought of success and failure in equal measure, leaving you a puddle of inertia. Focus on something small. It isn't beneath you. Finish something small, then move on to something else and finish that. Your advisor telling you he won't be a good reference should be a good wake up call for you. All the potential in the world doesn't mean squat if all you do is let people and yourself down. Good luck.
posted by 45moore45 at 3:30 PM on February 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

It sounds like, to some extent, you're what Barbara Sher refers to as a scanner. I know the website looks pretty hokey, but her books are well-written and interesting. She offers some tips on how to harness your strengths and mitigate your weaknesses (such as not following through and not taking care of details).

I haven't used it myself (apparently I'm the opposite of a scanner) but my husband and a scanner co-worker of mine really enjoyed her book, Refuse to Choose. It might be worth looking at.

Good luck.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:32 PM on February 9, 2008 [4 favorites]

It sounds like your only clue, and the only thing you know you enjoy and are good at is tutoring. It sounds like the things you think you are supposed to do, important big sciency things, require a skillset that you don't have (thanks, genetics). It's so hard for most people to find something they can do for a living and actually enjoy. So many people look look look and never find it. They know they are capable, but can't find anything to apply it to. So they do some random thing and can maintain, but aren't happy.

So with the tutoring, you're a step ahead of so many people. Since you don't have to do the same thing forever, why not jump into tutoring with full force for now and figure out the future later? Commit to doing it for a year or two. Have you considered places like Sylvan Learning Centers? Or there's certainly freelance. You could tutor your fellow students right where you are. Math sucks ass and people hate it and can't do it. We need you!

Also, one of the things that the Myers-Briggs type of batteries indicate is that some people are starters and others are finishers or maintainers. I'm a starter, but once the thing is started, I'm ready to move on. It doesn't mean I'm defective, it means I need to do things that require starters, because other people need that hole filled.

I have found that you absolutely must listen to the little voice that tells you what you like and are good at. It is often contrary to the voice that tells you what you should be doing. The should is a lot of fluff and you'll be happiest when you use yourself for the kinds of jobs you were made for. Can't hammer a screw, for instance.

I hope this is helpful. I can hear that you have larger frustration going on and would like to be able to do the things your advisor and you agree that you're not good at. Maybe follow the path of least resistance instead, grasshopper.

You don't know what will happen next year or a few years from now, so you can do something now that you like and just let it unfold and evolve later into something you wouldn't have guessed. Good luck, buddy!
posted by kookoobirdz at 3:33 PM on February 9, 2008

If you're under thirty, lighten up! I don't believe that anyone should make any major decisions, (including career) until that time.
posted by goalyeehah at 3:44 PM on February 9, 2008

If you're a good tutor, there are a lot of great jobs out there for professional trainers. It's not one-on-one, but you can look to focus on niche topics where maybe you'd train three people at a company or something like that. Pays well, too!
posted by rhizome at 3:46 PM on February 9, 2008

I'm afraid I can't help you directly, but don't be too discouraged. Albert Einstein hardly ever wore socks because he was so disorganized outside of the immediate work he was doing.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:56 PM on February 9, 2008

Dude, you are me.

Seriously - scientific career, disorganised, don't follow through. And this has hurt my career. So maybe I'm the right person to give advice ... or exactly the wrong person.

It's difficult to know where to start, this is such a big question. So here's some general principles:

1. There's no magic bullet. There's no scheme or organisational gimmick or trick that will magically turn you into an uber-organised, over-achiever. You know this probably, but it doesn't stop you hoping that you'll find the right scheme or idea that will galvanise your life. It all comes down to you changing the way you act, even if your every tendency and habit is getting in your way. Spend too much time online? You're just going to have to stop.

2. Having said that, some simple organisational devices would help. GTD is all the rage now, but some more simple scheme would probably be a better start. Decide what you have to get done (say) this month. What three small discrete tasks can you get done today to that end? Start the day by doing those and nothing else. By all means look at other time management schemes, but be careful you don't spend all your time in organisation or reading up on productivity porn.

3. I think LobsterMitten is probably right guessing that you're a perfectionist: Failure to complete is a common symptom. Here's a tip: allow yourself to be average. Do solid work, but just solid enough. Don't try to be a superstar.

4. Your meditation practice - and probably CBT - is a good thing. The more mindful you can become, the less you'll procrastinate or get distracted or depressed. There's a phrase from Constructive Living therapy that goes something like "What is the goal of this moment?" Conquer the moments and you can conquer the whole.

5. Some of your weaknesses might be papered over by seeking collaborators. Certainly, when I see apparently prolific scientists, what I'm usually seeing is a huge cloud of collaborators. Collaborators can up your productivity, work as sounding boards and keep you focused and your eye on the game. Collaborators don't have to be any great formal arrangment, they can simply be correspondents or even just other students.

6. A few words about academia: the standard of supervision is colossally shitty. Mostly it consist of throwing students into the grind knowing that while most of them will flame out, enough will survive to keep the machine going. It's not entirely your fault if you feel lost, overwhelmed and rudderless. (And, you know, teaching isn't "meagre". It shouldn't be. That's academia speaking again.) Be sure to look after yourself and not sacrifice your sanity and health to contribute to someone else's fame.

7. I think you're being too harsh on yourself for making mistakes. Making mistakes is nothing to be ashamed of. Having to "retract so many assertions" sounds like a different sort of issue, like you wanted to look like you'd progressed further than you had. Perhaps discussing your work more often or with more people will clarify your thoughts, leading to early catching of mistakes and more efficient effort. (See the notes on collaborators above.)

I've gone on long enough. Some reading for you, for the purposes of both morale and inspiration: "Crossing the Unknown Sea", by David Whyte. "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield, various of the Constructive Living books by David Reynolds. Email me for further chat if it would help.
posted by outlier at 4:23 PM on February 9, 2008 [5 favorites]

The world throws a lot of resources at people with clearly-demarcated problems, like alcoholism and drug addiction. A lot of allowances are made for those people because addiction is known to be a mental illness, and addicts very pointedly lay claim to the status of an "ill" person as they make their way in the world.

So, have you considered being more forthright in identifying yourself as "ill" and seeking therapy, counseling, whatever it takes to correct these tendencies? I know you have taken Ritalin; perhaps continuing in the therapeutic path, and subjecting yourself to intensive (twice a week or more) therapy, individual and group, might help you to overcome these problems that are limiting your success.
posted by jayder at 4:35 PM on February 9, 2008

You sound like me during my time in grad school. It is among the most frustrating things in the world to feel like I absolutely should be able to do something intellectually, but simply be unable to do it. I spent a lot of time berating myself, and then loathing myself, for doing a lot of the stuff you describe as your problems. In my case, I wound up leaving grad school, because I just was not able to pull myself together enough to complete work on my thesis. At the time, that felt like the biggest failure in the string of failures that was my life.

Today, 8 years later, I look back at that time with regret, not because I didn't finish my degree program (though that would have been nice), but because I spent so much time and energy focusing upon the myriad ways I sucked. Like you, I viewed my failings as "basically issues of character," and thought that if I sucked it up and DID the things I knew I was supposed to, my problems would be solved. That was not a useful way to think about myself, all it did was make me feel like more of a degenerate, more useless, and made me be even less productive.

What did help was getting treatment for my depression. You mention that you have been treated for depression, though I cannot tell if you are still seeing someone. If you aren't seeing someone for that, I'd suggest starting, because from your comments you sound a lot more down on yourself than is healthy. It is one thing to be able to view your own behaviors with a critical eye, it is another to thing to be focused upon those areas of yourself constantly and to the exclusion of the positive aspects of yourself. I obviously do not know you at all, which makes my observation pretty much useless, but consider which of those two categories you fall into.

Another thing that helped was just leaving grad school itself. I had to find a job, of course, and one of my first jobs was teaching English to ESL students (not in the US). It felt good to be doing something that I was actually good at and enjoyed. Like you found in tutoring, having the instantaneous feedback of students right in front of me meant that I was kept more on topic than if left to my own devices. I've switched jobs several times since then, and I have really found that in a more structured environment (with a boss and colleagues and hard deadlines), I really can thrive and excel. Now, I can't think of myself as lazy and useless because I do work hard and I do get things done- I just need to situate myself in the correct environment. For me, that was not a self-directed academic environment, where I checked in with my adviser once every three months. Some people thrive on that sort of freedom- I drowned in it. But a difference in preferred working environments is NOT a moral failing. It is a facet of your personality that you have to accommodate, and I think that once you do, you will be able to thrive.

Reading this over, this is long on personal anecdotes and short on any useful advise, so sorry about that. But I thought I would let you know that you are certainly not alone with your situation, and the problems you mention are not flaws in your character.
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 4:46 PM on February 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

As someone with ADD I think a lot of what you said fits that profile (and my experiences). My whole life I felt like a smart person trapped in a stupid person's body. I still sort of feel that way sometimes but knowing why makes a huge difference in how I see myself. I suggest you see a psychiatrist specializing in adult ADD who can evaluate you carefully. My first *doi-oi-oing* moment was reading the Wikipedia entry for adult ADD, so maybe try starting there to see if it rings true for you.

I still struggle a lot and there are years of feeling useless to unravel but knowing why my mind works the way it does helps me be much more forgiving of myself, and helps spur me to find ways around that. Good luck.
posted by loiseau at 6:12 PM on February 9, 2008

From the description of the situation that you offer and some past experience, I think maybe some distance from grad school and time to explore other ways to apply your intelligence and talents would be helpful for you. So much of success in this world comes down to fit. You are NOT doomed to be some sort of global failure! Reallytruly. But the environment you're in is a really tough fit for someone with ADD, or ADD-like traits. If you had time on your side, you could probably develop some strategies to work through that - a lot of people have. But it doesn't sound like time's on your side. And advisors are slow to change their opinions, and grad school won't magically start having the structure, task breakdown, feedback loops, or support systems that you need to begin to feel some sense of accomplishment and peace in your life. Yeah, it's unfortuante. But the self-loathing, if you allow it to continue, will mess up your mojo and diminish your opportunities more than any lack of somesuch degree ever could.

You were good at tutoring. Think about the aspects of the tutoring work that made it so easy for you to feel successful. Probably some of it had to do with the fact that the tasks were short-term and well-defined. Also, there was a person sitting in front of you - a structure that made it easier to stay on track. The work you were doing was filling an immediate need (the lack of which you describe as a barrier for you in getting writing done). Figure out kinds of task-environment combinations that are easiest for you, and start there.

Being able to take highly technical concepts and make them understandable to others is a rock-star skill in this day and age. "Research to practice" translation is a very hot issue, especially in health-related fields. Have you considered looking for science-related work in that sort of area? Or in science-related policy work? There are so many gratifying (and well-paying!) ways to contribute as someone really smart about science in this world, without being a PhD research scientist.
posted by shelbaroo at 7:05 PM on February 9, 2008

Speaking as a graduate student who often has trouble focusing on work, I can offer the following thoughts.

For all its wonders, the internet is seemingly made to destroy we easily distrac... Hey! Look at that cool website!

Accomplishment breeds accomplishment. Getting small things done, like filing notes or printing out papers to read, is my way of "warming up" for getting other, bigger tasks done. Alternatively, I'll keep those relatively mindless tasks queued up for when I'm just too brain-fried to study or think about really hard problems. Think Fire and Motion.

If you think that medical help of some sort might be helpful, go for it.

You're not alone.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 8:43 PM on February 9, 2008

In my estimation, it seems like tutoring is easy for you because you've done those trivial problems hundreds of times. Conclusion: you need to find a job that is repetitive, so you can do it over and over and become good at it. Perhaps you go to work as a maintenance guy. Its basically the same thing over and over, once you learn how everything works. It might be a nice change from grad school, and you would be helping people fix up homes, so making a difference. Just a suggestion.
posted by proj08 at 10:25 PM on February 9, 2008

Meyers Briggs would say you're an extreme "P," so you might google, eg "careers ENTP" or "careers ISTP" (I don't know the other three letters for you). I wonder how short-form journalism with fast deadlines would work out for you, say, on the science beat?

basically issues of character and fixing them ought to be a matter of will

I'd give up that line of thinking -- it sounds like you've exerted your will as much as you can and that you could use some serious help. Whenever I catch myself thinking I need to "try harder," it is a warning bell. Try something different, like getting some help.
posted by salvia at 10:37 PM on February 9, 2008

Seconding GTD. And WSD. Go drink the cool-aid - buy a filing cabinet and a labeler and get started.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:17 AM on February 10, 2008

I suffer from a lot of the same issues, as everyone does to an extent, and I have found The Now Habit to be extremely useful.
posted by greytape at 1:53 AM on February 10, 2008

I know you have concerns about the long-term planning that teaching involves, but it sounds like your ability to engage with people and be in the moment could be great assets for a high school-level science teacher. Particularly if you have a set curriculum, and/or if you have colleagues to talk over ideas with, the challenges might really be something you can handle.
posted by bassjump at 2:37 AM on February 10, 2008

In addition to considering teaching high school, you should also consider community college, which is perhaps even more likely to have a set curriculum and to involve a lot of one on one tutoring. You meet your students where they are, and some of them are only barely functionally literate with rudimentary math skills. You could make a huge difference in their lives and teach basic introductory science in a highly structured setting.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:21 AM on February 10, 2008

Maybe you could consider getting into the software quality field? It can be fun trying to break code, especially if it's someone else's. From the other side, fixing bugs can be really satisfying, and the nature of the work is that you'll spend longer working on the interesting ones you haven't seen before because the others tend to be fast to fix.

To put it another way, if you're a perfectionist then why not make it your job to perfect things?

BTW I'm a lot like you and trying to get my PhD done at the moment. I'm currently leaning towards going back into software development when I finish.
posted by teleskiving at 11:11 AM on February 10, 2008