I do nothing but daydream.

December 11, 2007 5:51 AM

Is anyone else addicted to daydreaming?

I have to admit that I'm not exactly sure what my question is. Partly I just want to know if there is anyone else out there like me. Partly I want to know why I'm like this. Partly I guess I want some advice. I might say that my question is "Could I have some insight please?"

I can't stop daydreaming. Every second I can, it's what I do. It's been like this since I was very small. I'm in my 30's now and I haven't done anything with my life. I daydreamed my youth away. I do the bare minimum I need to get by in life and the rest of the time I just daydream. I don't know why I can't seem to bring myself to be a part of the world. What is wrong with me? Is there anyone else out there who can relate?

posted by giggleknickers to grab bag (34 comments total)

Put another way, you might say that you "have a rich interior life". Daydreams are great. Is there a problem?

I'm in my 30's now and I haven't done anything with my life

You're still alive so you must have done something. Seriously, what do you want to do. Or do you just think there's something you should have done?

I don't know why I can't seem to bring myself to be a part of the world

The real world may not be that great. It's seriously overrated.

What is wrong with me?

Nothing. You're an individual, not a clone. Be what you want.
posted by DarkForest at 6:06 AM on December 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

I'm in my 30's now and I haven't done anything with my life.

That's a pretty normal kind of feeling to have. What you want to do with your life? Why not set some goals and daydream about achieving them? That way you can at least feel like you're working toward something.

Is there anything in your life that you're trying to escape through your daydreaming? Fixing those problems might be your first step towards being comfortable with your own life.
posted by burnmp3s at 6:07 AM on December 11, 2007

I have daydreamed like crazy all of my life. I've also made sure to do stuff. That hasn't always needed me to actively get up and do things (although I have), it's just meant that I have to say 'Yes' when 'No' would be the sensible, staid or safe option.

I've had a hell of a lot of fun both inside & outside of my head...
posted by i_cola at 6:11 AM on December 11, 2007

[and vice versa of course]
posted by i_cola at 6:11 AM on December 11, 2007

"Is there anyone else out there who can relate?"

Yes. I can. Completely. Whether it's conversations in my head with celebrities, laughing at my own jokes or imagining i'm accomplishing something. I realised recently I get the exact same thrill from imagining accomplishment as actual accomplishment. which is probably why i accomplish very little in reality.

I don't have any recommendations for how to "cure you" or get you out of this "slump". I just hope you have as much fun as I do.

....Although I really should sort out a pension because daydreaming doesn't provide well for the future.

So, in answer to whether or not someone relates, do you find yourself alternating between daydreaming and worrying that you day dream too much? I do.
posted by galactain at 6:15 AM on December 11, 2007 [2 favorites]

OP: I spend plenty of time daydreaming about things to do with my life but they are hardly realistic goals and even when they aren't, then they don't even come close to measuring up to the daydream. Besides, they change too much. I want to be a jet pilot one day and a web designer the next and a mathematician the next and a seamstress the next and a writer the next and an archaeologist the next....


DarkForest, the problem is that I only get one life and I'm wasting it. Plus, I'm dying to find someone out there who relates so I don't feel like such an alien.
posted by giggleknickers at 6:21 AM on December 11, 2007

Ever think of writing down these daydreams? It could be that you have a creative calling...
posted by Malad at 6:27 AM on December 11, 2007

See a shrink. No, really. They can asses you and tell you that you're normal, or not.

You're not an alien, but I doubt you'll believe me when I tell you that because you seem to have a bit of a depressive funk going on where you're really catastrophizing things that aren't really catastrophic.

For example, this says that people daydream for up to half of the day. Normal people. Yeah, it's WebMD, but how much more average can you get.

Hope this helps.
posted by sondrialiac at 6:33 AM on December 11, 2007

Malad, I start (and don't finish) a creative project every month or so. I've lost track of how many novels I've started this year. I have maybe 30 half-made websites sprinkled all over the web.

I have no shortage of ideas. I just can't stay out of my head long enough to implement any of them. I think galactain hit the nail on the head when s/he pointed out that daydreaming an accomplishment is just as nice actually achieving it. Although I'd go further and say that the daydream is a bazillion times better, so there's no incentive to actually do anything.

The only real incentive I have to do anything is fear that I'm wasting life. Which is kind of a vicious circle because the fear just reminds me that daydreaming is so much nicer.
posted by giggleknickers at 6:36 AM on December 11, 2007

I have been addicted to the picture show in my head for as long as I can remember. It carried me through some sour times, and added breath to many times that were sweet. I followed the plots in it all the way to becoming a graphic designer, which allows me both the technical abilities to make posters for the shows in my head, and the paycheck to keep my real-live body from starving to death. Win-win.

I am 35, and have done a few things, but maybe not as many as my mental cinema showed me I might do by now. I decided, about a year ago I think, to start doing things that produced tangible results that I could share with others (hence the graphic design) as a way of leaving something behind when I shuffle off this mortal coil other than memories in other people's minds. What this meant is that I had to start spending a lot of time, and a little money, working on one thing in particular. It was hard to nail it down. Like you I have never been anything but restless (last year I applied to the army to be a helicotper pilot, the year before that I wanted to be a boat captain, the year before that I wanted to be a professional writer, and so on. Getting through four years of school toward one single goal was excruciating for me), so the project I chose to persue was one that would allow me to travel a little.

I'm building a boat. A small sailboat, and it's slow going.

Your Milage May Vary, but I suggest, as someone who has had a similar displacement of disposition throughout his life, that you decide on a project that will produce a tangible result, and stick to it no matter what. Write a short story, build a small shed, paint enough pictures to have a small show, learn enough songs to play at an open-mic night, start making crop-circles in nearby fields and let no one know it's you for as long as you can, learn jiujitsu and enter a tournament, learn to fly a plane. Do something that others can see or admire, then share it with them. Ultimately the point is not to share whatever you're doing with others at all, but to find the joy in doing the thing itself rather than just thinking about it (making it something others will see at some point, however, kind of keeps you focused)

Also, you are not an alien. I know plenty of people who feel just like you. You're just bold enough to voice this feeling to strangers.
posted by Pecinpah at 6:40 AM on December 11, 2007 [4 favorites]

I do this a lot too. I almost think it's a prerequisite for introverts.

My biggest problem as a chronic daydreamer is my incessant romantic and sexual fantasizing.
When I have a man in my head, I'll fixate on him so much that I've actually heard myself saying (to myself) when he calls on the phone. "Hey - you just interrupted a good fantasy I was having about you. Call me back later" How crazy is that?

Perhaps the real world never lives up to our expectations and we'd rather not have real experiences at all than to suffer the disappointment that we seem to think is inevitable.

I've often thought that I might have a talent for writing screenplays since I often create entire scenarios in my head that (at the time) seem like a great movie idea.

I don't know what the answer is and most of the time I'm too entertained by myself to want to be cured.
posted by Lorna at 6:42 AM on December 11, 2007

sondrialiac, thanks. I am on medication for depression and it works great. I would still describe myself as unhappy, but that's a world away from being depressed. I do appreciate the link to webmd, but I think that refers to people who daydream and then go and do something. I do nothing but daydream.

I also have to say that I'm a little bit skeptical that it's normal to daydream that much. I've heard too many people saying that they don't daydream. At all. Ever. It makes no sense to me. I cannot fathom how a person could possibly not be daydreaming unless they are concentrating on a task that requires their full attention. Does their brain just shut down the rest of the day or something? I don't get it.
posted by giggleknickers at 6:43 AM on December 11, 2007

the problem is that I only get one life and I'm wasting it

So the real problem is just about finishing projects? Yeah, I have that one too. A lot of people seem to believe in the GTD system for that. Some counseling could help. Practice helps. Committing yourself to one project, forsaking all others until it's finished. It will take practice, but it will probably get easier. I hope you didn't misread my first post. I am entirely with you and sympathetic. I mostly live in my head and my success in the 'real world' is seriously in doubt.
posted by DarkForest at 6:48 AM on December 11, 2007

Although I don't necessary endorse this idea, you could think about being evaluated for attention disorders or learning disorders. I have this daydreaming problem too (and also a tangent problem - hello, MeFi!) and it cuts into my productivity. I'm pretty aware it comes from a lifelong problem with focusing my attention. There are drugs for it, of course, if you are diagnosed and want to go that route.
posted by Miko at 6:53 AM on December 11, 2007

This sounds like me too. I'm not "unhappy" with my station in life.. I own a car, house, have a great partner, go on vacation, and I don't need to work (much) due to previous success. However, I spend most of my time thinking about things I could do rather than doing them. It's like I think things are a good idea academically, but if I try doing them in real life I discover some reason that makes it not worthwhile. The areas / businesses I've been successful with in the past have been on things I only did because I needed / wanted them, but now I don't really want for anything I'm kinda stuck doing nothing and daydreaming all the time.

I guess I have forgotten how to work for work's sake rather than pleasure. One supposed solution to this, according to all the "get rich" books, is to always keep yourself hungry by not building up enough savings to live on, etc, until you're actually "rich". So perhaps you (and even I) should get to a point where you HAVE to do something pretty big to actually stay alive.. such as travel to an alien culture, invest all your savings into hard to access places (like retirement / 401k), run for government, or something like that.
posted by wackybrit at 6:59 AM on December 11, 2007

Miko, I might be wrong, but I think that those who suffer on ADHD can't focus on anything. Not staying focused on the "right" things isn't a sign of ADHD. A person who can focus on a book from page 1 to the end, or write a novel all day or sit down in a chair at noon and stay focused on a daydream until 8 doesn't have ADHD. Or have I completely misunderstood? Besides, I think my antidepressants (Wellbutrin) also work to cure ADHD, so I'd already be accidentally treated for it if I did have it.
posted by giggleknickers at 7:09 AM on December 11, 2007

No, that's not correct. For one thing, there are more kinds of attention disorders than ADHD (attention disorders are not always accompanied by hyperactivity and disorganization, and when someone is not obviously physically hyperactive, daydreaming is one of the markers of an attention disorder). For another, even children with ADHD or ADD, let alone adults, are capable of periods of intense concentration when they find something stimulating or absorbing. Attention disorders are not a question of whether you can concentrate; they are a question of whether you can control your attention well enough to direct it usefully to something you're not that interested in.

One striking aspect of ADHD in adult patients, Dr. Brown continued, is that there is often a pronounced situational variability in the severity of symptoms. "Every patient that I've ever seen with attention deficit disorder has a few domains of activity in which they are able to concentrate perfectly well and where they experience very little impairment on those cognitive functions which are highly problematic for them in many other areas," he said. This suggests that these individuals usually do not have impairments in individual cognitive functions but rather in how these functions are managed and organized at a higher level. "ADHD is essentially a name for developmental impairment of executive function," he explained.

All my life I've been on the fence about whether ADD/ADHD is properly considered an 'illness' or 'disorder' or should simply be understood as a cast of mind, one which you find quite frequently in creative and intelligent people. I'm not sure it should be medicalized - it has its advantages, which is why I have rejected formal diagnosis and don't take meds.

Quiz (not question about daydreaming)
ADHD in adults

Useful site with some good info, diagnostic criteria, and resources

Personally, like you, my mind wanders and wonders all the time, and I resent having to think about things I don't want to. I accept that some evaluators would diagnose me with an attention disorder, but not necessarily that it requires treatment. What it has required is a careful choice of career and way of life that offers a lot of interests and threads to follow.
posted by Miko at 7:32 AM on December 11, 2007 [5 favorites]

Sounds like you might have the makings of a writer. I daydream too, but not to your extent; if I did I'd probably try to nudge the daydreams into some kind of coherent story that I could write down and hopefully publish.

Seriously, science fiction and fantasy - genres that practically demand extensive, detailed world-building - would be perfect for a daydreaming author. What better way to create something as elaborate as Middle Earth or The Culture?

I think if you could learn to focus your daydreaming into a sort of mental screenwriting you would come to see your woolgathering as a gift.
posted by Quietgal at 7:34 AM on December 11, 2007

Is the problem that you daydream too much, or that you feel you haven't accomplished anything?

Projects are difficult. Unless you are making an abstract art painting as your project--and sometimes if you are, it could take months or even years to get it right. Some of the best works of art took months or years to complete. Of course I am not talking about On The Road but not everyone jizzes all over that novel as the epitome of great writing--some find it rather indulgent. So stop beating yourself up, and work on what matters to you most. Even if its going to take another few months to finish anything, a chapter, a website--whatever. It could be the best damn thing ever. You seem creative enough.

I have no idea whether or not you daydream too much. Sometimes I daydream an awful lot. I never have one thing going on in my brain. Seems normal enough, and I've done or two things so far in my life.
posted by shownomercy at 7:42 AM on December 11, 2007

Miko, wow I scored 30, which means I may have borderline ADHD. It's odd though, because one of the questions are if you daydream too much, but many of the questions were about symptoms that could only be present in non-daydreamers. Distractibility, for instance. If you can get distracted then you are clearly not daydreaming. Distractability was what I considered to be the hallmark of ADHD, which is why I initially assumed I couldn't have it.

Then there is having a quick temper, not wanting to wait your turn, saying things without thinking first, getting easily annoyed, acting on quick decisions, not being able to sit still, thoughts bouncing around "like a pinball machine." Daydreaming would make all of those impossible, so anyone who frequently daydreams would have to answer "Not at all" to all those questions.

So why is excessive daydreaming part of the diagnostic criteria? It seems contradictory. Oh well, I guess I should talk to my doctor.
posted by giggleknickers at 8:30 AM on December 11, 2007

Quietgal, I think you have a point. I have way too many ideas and it's hard to stick to one project when they are all competing for my attention. If I can manage to funnel all the ideas into one project, I may just have an answer. I definitely need to try that.

Then maybe I could actually get it published and I could become a famous writer and children will hate me because they'll be forced to read my work at school and people will get into flame wars on the internet arguing over what a particular line of dialogue meant and anorexic models will be fighting over who gets to play the leading role in the watered down Hollywood version and....oh dear there I go daydreaming again.
posted by giggleknickers at 8:34 AM on December 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you can get distracted then you are clearly not daydreaming.

Huh? Isn't daydreaming itself the distraction from the tasks at hand?

Daydreaming would make all of those impossible

Well, I daydream and also do lots of those things, just not concurrently. I would note that those are the behaviors associated with hyperactivity, and again, it's possible to be diagnosed with an attention disorder without being hyperactive.

It's just something to consider and may not be a spot-on identification of your problem.
posted by Miko at 9:26 AM on December 11, 2007

I'm a daydreamer myself. People might tell you to start turning your daydreams into reality, but my major breakthrough came when I realized that I preferred my daydreams to stay in my head. That way everything was the way I wanted it: I had complete artistic control over my imaginary rockstar albums and supermodel photoshoots, and they all turned out perfectly; I survived assassination attempts with grace and heroism, and barely a scar to show for it.

(Incidentally, a couple of doctors have said I am borderline ADHD; I may even have an official diagnosis. My family thinks the very idea is ridiculous. It's anyone's guess.)

As long as you have real, concrete, achievable goals in addition to whatever you daydream about, and you throw at least a good part of yourself into working towards them, you'll be fine. Your real-life plans don't even have to have anything to do with your daydreams, just as long as you like both and as long as you keep yourself grounded. When you've got that in place, enjoy the daydreams! In the words of Blondie (whom I cover in my head with perfect pitch), dreaming is free.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:38 AM on December 11, 2007

I realize it's just something to consider and I will look into it. I'm not expecting you to give me a diagnosis over Metafilter. ;-) I'm just confused about it, that's all. Thank you for all your help on that.


Huh? Isn't daydreaming itself the distraction from the tasks at hand?

I suppose it could be if you quit the task to daydream instead, but even then you wouldn't be able to get distracted from the daydream if you were an excessive daydreamer.

Though I don't see any reason why you'd quit a necessary task when you can just work a daydream into the task. When I do my math homework, I'm breaking secret codes that unlock a mystical treasure hidden by ancient druids centuries ago. When I worked at a bank's headquarters I was a spy infiltrating an evil corporation trying to overthrow the world through control of the world's money. One thing that's fun is to just be a different fictional character each day. I'm Mulan...who just happens to be transported to the future and has to work as a cashier at Giant until she can find out how to get home. Sometimes that can even be more relevant. I was frequently Amelie when I worked in a coffeehouse.
posted by giggleknickers at 9:45 AM on December 11, 2007

I'm suprised that no one has mentioned a meditation practice. Some forms of meditation, such as insight (vipassana) meditation specifically deal with daydreaming as part of the monkey mind.

If you really want to wrestle with this, try a 9-day meditation retreat at Spirit Rock in California or the Insight Meditation Center outside of Boston. After 9 days you'll be well on the way to having the monkey mind under control. Actually living in the moment is very different from daydreaming while you're in the moment.
posted by TorontoSandy at 9:48 AM on December 11, 2007

i'm the same way. i even daydream while i'm doing other things, sometimes complex. i can't stop. life is too flat otherwise.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:41 AM on December 11, 2007

See above, you'll probably be surprised at the many, many people who relate to this.

I don't know that it helps, but the way I got more "into real life" instead of my fanciful dreams wasn't to stop daydreaming (as if I could), but to start daydreaming specifically about my life. I'll dream about what I'd do if such and such happened, or what I'd say if a certain topic comes up with a certain friend, etc. -- basically instead of living fanciful, never-gonna-happen lives in my head, I switched to living "what if?" parallels of my real life.

The benefit of this is that every once in a while, one of the things I dreamt up actually happens... and while everyone else is scrambling, I already know what to say/do. It doesn't quite make up for all the time I've wasted in my head over the years, but it's something.
posted by Pufferish at 10:57 AM on December 11, 2007

Pufferfish, what real life things do you daydream about?
posted by giggleknickers at 11:24 AM on December 11, 2007

miko: I got an 108. whew. that's kinda shocking, though I knew I had ADHD already.

giggleknickers writes: Then there is having a quick temper, not wanting to wait your turn, saying things without thinking first, getting easily annoyed, acting on quick decisions, not being able to sit still, thoughts bouncing around "like a pinball machine." Daydreaming would make all of those impossible, so anyone who frequently daydreams would have to answer "Not at all" to all those questions.

That's not true to my experience at all. I do get annoyed easily, I do get anxious, I do have trouble waiting in turn, etc. AND I'm still a huge daydreamer. It all depends on the context. I guess my impatience comes out a lot when I'm in social situations with other people (that's always when I'm most hyperactive). My tendency to daydream, on the other hand, comes out most often when I'm alone (like at work), or sometimes when I've stopped listening to what people around me are saying (perhaps due to impatience/disinterest?)

I daydream constantly, too. Constantly. People often tell me that when they see me on the street, I always look so happy, with a huge grin on my face. It's because I'm literally always daydreaming. I daydream about friends who don't know each other meeting each other, I daydream about having conversations with people I know, I daydream about people saying what I've always hoped they would say, and I daydream about telling people things about me that I don't tell very many people. Usually, it's complete fantasy. Still, I've been doing it for years.

I've found that when I'm busy doing manual or routine labor, especially on my own, daydreaming isn't so much of a problem in my life, because I can do things and day dream simultaneously. Working in an office, which I've been doing for the last few months, has been incredibly hard for me for just this reason.

Sometimes it's a good thing, and it sure is a lot of fun. Still, I appreciate all the comments people have made, because daydreaming often gets in the way of my doing things I need to do in my life, both at work and socially.

The one solution that consistently helps with both the anxiety and the daydreaming? Here's a hint - it rhymes with "tweed."
posted by lunit at 12:05 PM on December 11, 2007

Might you have an attachment disorder? Please bear in mind that there are very extreme forms of attachment disorders, so the descriptions are often quite shocking. My little sister has some form of RAD, and being a daydreamer (to an extent wherein her judgment is jeopardized by this, but also, who's got great judgment at 14?) is her primary symptom.

Does this describe you: "Diffuse attachments as manifest by indiscriminate sociability with marked inability to exhibit appropriate selective attachments, eg excessive familiarity with relative strangers or lack of selectivity in choice of attachment figures"?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:23 PM on December 11, 2007

Do you run? Would it interest you at all?

Because I relate SO MUCH to nearly everyone here, and I think running been a huge help in controlling/moderating my daydreams. And it makes running more bearable!

Basically, I listen to music while I run, and I have 30 to 90 minutes of completely uninterrupted time in my own head. The music really helps, because my daydreams are almost always music-related anyway.

So I'm kicking ass on American Idol, or skating a perfect short program in my head, and I'm getting some exercise while I do it.

I only realized recently, after running since February, that it has been quite a while since I've daydreamed at work. It's like I get it out of the way in concentrated form during my runs. Running has also helped a ton with my mild seasonal depression.
posted by peep at 12:49 PM on December 11, 2007

Yeah, ADHD came to my mind too, simply because starting a million projects has always been my personal experience too. ADHD people tend to be visionaries, but tend not to be implementors. That can be a source of frustration.

I would say if you're spending all of your time daydreaming, you are experiencing a rich internal life but it's my belief that people are put on this earth to interact with it, learn from it, and leave some kind of positive mark (no matter how small). It's probably an insipid belief but it's mine, and it may be a similar idea that is making you feel a bit guilty about daydreaming all the time.

I would suggest placing yourself in more situations where daydreaming -- or, at least, not being solidly aware and interactive with the world around you -- simply isn't possible. So travel to a new, exciting, and possibly risky place might be a good idea. Engaging in a sport or activity that requires focused concentration might be good too, if only to get your mind used to the idea of focusing on the reality in front of you. So something like parkour (sp?) would be an excellent choice (although probably quite an ordeal if you're out of shape), since it requires immediate and constant awareness of and interaction with your surroundings. All of these would get you into a more life-participatory frame of mind.

The goal then, might not be to make you no longer daydream, but just to present yourself with opportunities where you don't, to make yourself feel more balanced.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:31 PM on December 11, 2007

The protagonist of Dreaming of Babylon has exactly your problem. You might enjoy it, for the sense that someone else "gets it," if nothing else, but it's also a delightful novel.
posted by zanni at 4:55 PM on December 12, 2007

I'm this way too. In my 30s, feel I have wasted my life so far, spend so much time daydreaming instead of doing things, and my projects and "new directions" don't make it past 3 months, maximum. I think it is somehow related to feeling like I can't do things like other people. I think the thing to do is test that, as others have suggested. Create and commit to handleable projects and complete them. Think of some of the things you daydream about and figure out what steps you'd need to take to make them happen. Then start at step 1 (viewing the whole is too daunting and makes you not ever start). If something is doable, you can do it. So try. That's my advice, but it sounds the same to me as it does to you, I'm sure. I struggle to follow my own advice. Good luck!

And otherwise enjoy the daydreams when they come. Relish your imagination and try to put it to productive use. Keep writing, even if you have lots of unfinished novels. If you've got good stuff in you, get it out, and give it time.
posted by kookoobirdz at 2:33 PM on December 31, 2007