Granddad? Is that you?

October 10, 2007 7:24 PM

I found out my father was adopted. Can I find out who his parents were?

I found out my father, who is 80, was adopted in the late twenties in Oklahoma.

Is it possible to find out who his parents were?

Here's some background:
His adoptive father was a lifetime Army officer from a farm in northern Minnesota who married a beautiful Jewish girl from Oregon he met in New York. They had at least one miscarriage.

When I told my Dad, he was astonished, but actually relieved. He had never really gotten along well with his Mom, and that kind of explained things for him.

I didn't tell him, but my one memory of my grandfather is at Christmas, and being struck by the look on his face as he watched me play with the toy train they gave me. I must have been four, and I didn't understand it; I thought I'd done something wrong. Looking back I'd call it sorrow, or wistfulness.

posted by atchafalaya to human relations (11 comments total)

So, how did you find out he was adopted?
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:38 PM on October 10, 2007

I'm no expert, but I'd have to say that the odds are against it. If he was adopted through an agency, the agency may no longer exist, and, even if it does, it probably doesn't have records from nearly eighty years ago. It's quite possible he wasn't adopted through an agency, though, which means that, unless you can find some kind of document in whatever stuff of his parents (the adoptive ones, of course) he may still have, telling you what his name was before adoption, or some similarly useful information, you're probably out of luck.

I, too, am curious how you found out.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:08 PM on October 10, 2007

It's not foolproof, but a few adoptees (all males) have been able to track down their directly-paternal families of origin thanks to genetic genealogy. (See a recent comment of mine for details.) A little spit from either you or your dad, plus about $250 and some luck, might get you a narrowed-down list of likely surnames to start researching, and maybe if you get very lucky, one of the people you'd match would know of a branch of their family from Oklahoma during the 1920's.
posted by Asparagirl at 9:21 PM on October 10, 2007

atchafalaya, I come from a family of adoptees (I am not one myself). My mother, uncle, and stepmother and step-aunt are all adopted. So far, everyone but my uncle has sought their birth parents, and two of the three were successful.

I think the adoption process many years ago was quite different than it is now — my mother was adopted "under the table" and had difficulty with records, but was able to find her mother quite easily within a few months of deciding to look. Things are harder now, more standardized and there is greater liability with legal issues.

The wonder of the internet has provided us with a million ways to find and reach out to people. It's already possible that the family you seek is also seeking you — message boards for adoptees/bio parents can help you more specifically.

However, I have to ask why you feel compelled to find your family. Is this something you're trying to do for your father? Or are you doing it for yourself (because really, this is the only "right" reason to do it). A lot of issues come up, especially after living several decades under a certain identity, to find out that your life could have been completely different. I encourage you to consider these things, peruse the adoption boards elsewhere, and to proceed with caution.

That said, good luck!
posted by Brittanie at 10:07 PM on October 10, 2007

If he was adopted through an agency, the agency may no longer exist, and, even if it does, it probably doesn't have records from nearly eighty years ago.

If I understand correctly, adoptions are legal agreements, and are finalized in a court in front of a judge. Even if the agency no longer exists the court in the town where the adoption took place should still have records.

This, of course, varies from state to state and may have changed since the 1920s.
posted by Brittanie at 10:15 PM on October 10, 2007

He had never really gotten along well with his Mom, and that kind of explained things for him.

Do you mean to suggest he feels his poor relationship with his mother was due to his adoption? This is an astonishingly odd and loaded comment: most of the adoptees (hell, most people) I know will stand testament to the fact that it's the time one spends with their family, the quality of support and nurturing, and not the shared bitty biological traits that lead to trust, love, and a sense of belonging. And If your dad wishes to ascribe some hinted-at lack of love, connection, or family strife to (the latter-days discovered) adoption -- well, that's his right. But, frankly, it's incredibly unlikely to be the true cause. The more probable explanation for his not getting along with his mom is just that: he did not get along with his mom.

If, in the unlikely scenario that his mother did not 'connect' with him because of the adoption, she would be displaying prejudicial, cold, and uncharitable behavior - and against a child! Babysitters, teachers, nannies … all types of non-biological associations can manage to love and nurture without qualification a child who is not their own. If an adoptive parent can’t or won’t, that’s an issue deeper than the fact of adoption. So if your grandmother/father didn’t connect, it’s likely due to some more strongly-rooted personality complex on the parents’ part than the adoption.
posted by mr. remy at 10:25 PM on October 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

What I’m getting at is something you seem to be suggesting with a second quote,

I didn't tell him, but my one memory of my grandfather is at Christmas, and being struck by the look on his face as he watched me play with the toy train they gave me. I must have been four, and I didn't understand it; I thought I'd done something wrong. Looking back I'd call it sorrow, or wistfulness.

Sorrow? Wistfulness? At what? I can’t begin to parse the meaning behind this. Do you mean to convey

(a) That your grandfather feels wistfully, sorrowfully ‘unfulfilled’ because your father was not, many years prior, made out of your grandfather’s own sperm, like his grandson was made out of his father’s sperm? Like he’s incomplete because the child he loved and raised does not share his particular propensities for organ development?

or

(b) That your grandfather feels sad that you are not his quote-unquote true grandchild? That somehow love is lacking because there aren’t DNA connections where there might be? Because if this is the case, I want to reassure you: grandparents love you because you are young and beautiful to them, the proven product of their children, because they get to watch you grow from a privileged place, and because they are allowed a special kind of connection without judgment that is incredibly rare and special. I cannot even conceive of the cruelty manifest in a grandparent not loving their grandchild because the genetic heritage they share is infinitesimally subtly different.
posted by mr. remy at 10:30 PM on October 10, 2007

I’m getting at a point with all of this: from professional experience, from personal experience, I want you to suggest you think very carefully about what it is you wish to gain from searching for your parents’ biological parents. The glib answer you might give is ‘I’m curious’ and that’s a great answer. If that’s truly your answer, in an uncomplicated sense. Then you should go for it. It could be truly enlightening. But if there’s something else driving your motives, as I suspect from the lack-of-connection you illuminate between your father and his family, I really advise you tread carefully. Unlike numerous soap operas, movies, novels, and smug syndicated newspaper columns have informed us, the reunion (or reunion of facts) between adoptees / biological parents is not necessarily a happy or fulfilling one. In fact, in all of the cases I know (and this is something in which I’ve been involved professionally) it has been a medium grave disappointment. The expectations of wildly-joyful, love-outpouring meet-up or discovery of facts is actually a reality of awkwardness, a lack of ‘road-map’ feeling, an increased sense of mortality (learning you have an increased risk of heart disease? great….), a lot of regretting, and can include a massive heap of guilt, fear, and embarrassment. Now, given that your dad’s in his eighties, a reunion is next to unheard of. But if he’s (or you’re) wanting to find anything more than an – admittedly – fascinating and possibly unknown family history, I think you should do so cautiously. I hope it works out.

Good luck, and happy searching.
posted by mr. remy at 10:44 PM on October 10, 2007

Thanks for all the answers.

I found out by a casual search of some genealogy websites the local library subscribed to.

Dad could not care less. I'm curious, myself.

Yes, I mean to say his adoptive mother never bonded with him and his father felt intense regret over never passing on his own genes. They were both born in the 1800's, and probably didn't think about these things the way we do.

As for me, I was too young to be affected. Now I'm just curious.
posted by atchafalaya at 3:49 AM on October 11, 2007

Yes, I mean to say his adoptive mother never bonded with him and his father felt intense regret over never passing on his own genes.

That's a big conclusion from so few facts.

Only search if your father gives you a green light. I could not care less either. But I don't want anyone else digging up stuff for me.
posted by probablysteve at 4:58 AM on October 11, 2007

The look your grandfather gave you may have been for other reasons, wholly his own and unconnected to the fact that your father is adopted. Maybe he was wishing he was a child again. Maybe he was thinking about his age, and the passing of time. Those emotions could certainly conjure up a wistful look. I doubt he was feeling regret that he had a successful son and a happy grandson. Even if he was, why choose to interpret it that way?
posted by k8lin at 8:08 AM on October 11, 2007