How do we avoid kissing at our wedding reception?

October 3, 2007 9:12 PM

How do my wife and I avoid kissing at our wedding reception?

We're really not big on the idea of kissing in public, especially with all eyes on us. How can we avoid kissing during the reception? It seems to be universally expected and people do that annoying glass clinking thing at EVERY wedding I've been to.

Working against us is that the reception is falling into a very standard format: dinner/speeches/dancing. I have a feeling that if we had a "different" all around wedding reception, we might be able to avoid the kissing thing entirely. For reference, we're in Canada.

I've been looking around online, but only really finding alternatives to the way in which our guests can prod us into kissing. Google strategies would be appreciated as well if no solid ideas come up.

Has anyone here pulled this off or been to a wedding that managed it?

We do plan on kissing for the ceremony, though. Still not sure about tongue.

posted by ODiV to society & culture (70 comments total)

High five each other every time someone taps a glass?

I was just at a wedding with a buffet dinner and several different seating areas indoors and out; the couple mingled and snacked with guests in different places and I don't think it crossed anyone's mind to tap glasses for kissing the way it might at a formal dinner where the bride and groom are seated up at the front of the room for the whole evening.
posted by padraigin at 9:15 PM on October 3, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Ya, you kind of have to kiss once or twice. People do the glass clinking right away. We stated outright that we didn't listen to clinking, we'd only kiss if the whole table they were at stood up and sang a song based on a TV show. It kind of worked in that they had to humiliate themselves and so less people did it, and when they did, it was funny. Plus everyone was gradually getting drunker so it was fun.
And also, you're married...kissing is a good thing, no? Ya, it's a lame wedding thing, but it's a wedding.
posted by chococat at 9:18 PM on October 3, 2007

Authentic renaissance wedding. With unclinkable wooden mugs for all!
posted by IvyMike at 9:26 PM on October 3, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Yeah. I don't really need anyone else telling us we should kiss. We'll probably have enough of that leading up to and at the actual wedding. Thanks anyway.

One of our ideas was to get super breakable glasses. This would probably be a bad idea, but it sounds pretty funny.
posted by ODiV at 9:29 PM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Working against us is that the reception is falling into a very standard format: dinner/speeches/dancing.

I feel for you, I do. But it's your wedding, you can arrange any way you like. The obvious suggestion is simply not to do the "standard format" reception thing if you can think of an alternative which precludes this from happening. The way you've written about it above makes me think you're simply avoiding taking charge of the situation. If it were me, I'd simply let everyone know that if the do the (rather classless, IMO) "clinking glasses" thing, they will be escorted from the premises. And let them know you're serious!

It's YOUR wedding!
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 9:34 PM on October 3, 2007

One wedding I went to, couples had to demonstrate how exactly how the couple should kiss in this monkey-see, monkey-do fashion. This cut down the amount of kissing from the average (about 15-20 kisses) to about 5 and two of those were cute kid-kisses-grampa-on-the-cheek deals. (There was an instruction card.)

I know. It's not kiss-free. But it's something.

I think the idea of a PDA-free couple is hard for some people to understand. You could always have something about how you're saving all your kisses for that evening, but you'd be happy to dance, etc, etc for people if you really don't want to kiss.
posted by Gucky at 9:35 PM on October 3, 2007

suck it up, the kisses make the guests feel good, and frankly the ceremony is about both you and them. all you will do with these schemes is make them feel funny, or even worse, make them feel slighted. rather than devote energy to fighting tradition, it really is easier to just embrace it and move on.
posted by caddis at 9:35 PM on October 3, 2007

Just be blunt about it: Tell people you're not trained monkeys. Do it with some humor, but seriously: be up front about it.

The only regrets I have on the mutual decision not to get married with my gf is that I'll never get to assert my views on weddings at my own... and this is one of them.

It's YOUR wedding. Don't listen to any dipshit busybody who says otherwise.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:39 PM on October 3, 2007

I attended a wedding once where the bride and groom, when the glass-clinking got out of hand, simply delegated the task of kissing to some other couple at the reception. And I've also been to ones where the "song" rule Chococat suggested was used, though usually the requirement was a song with the word "love" in the title.

Though I admit, the misanthrope in me rather enjoys the idea of super-breakable glasses....
posted by Janta at 9:39 PM on October 3, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Let "slip" to your blabbiest friend that one of you has a herpes outbreak.
posted by rob511 at 9:43 PM on October 3, 2007

Man I hate when people do that glass clinking stuff at wedding receptions. Two options:

1) kiss your wife's hand, that's mighty romantic without the PDA overtones

2) kiss your best man on the cheek (*warning* this may actually encourage them all, unless the prevailing attitude is against teh gay)

3) stare bitterly at the glass clinking until it ceases, eventually people will get the idea
posted by brain cloud at 9:44 PM on October 3, 2007

whups that was 3 options.
posted by brain cloud at 9:44 PM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

If I recall (and memories are hazy at best), this didn't happen at all at my wedding. I think that's because of two things...1, as in padraigin's example, we did not have a table at the front. Dinner was buffet style, and we never even sat down together to eat. 2, and most importantly, we used only plastic cups/champagne flutes & tableware. Nothing to clink! If you're doing the traditional "bridge & groom on a raised table," you're screwed. The key to avoiding being treated like trained monkeys is to avoid *appearing* like trained moneys, and that means not putting yourselves on display.
posted by Banky_Edwards at 9:48 PM on October 3, 2007

i'm not big on PDA myself. but, if its something you might want to overcome/explore...how about a little practice to make it comfortable? maybe a little kiss in the produce aisle, at a coffee shop, on the sidewalk...wherever.

of course, you don't want to make a big deal of it or make it awkward
posted by hazel at 9:49 PM on October 3, 2007

Relax. Make a joke out of it. Create a sign that reads "censored", hold it up in front of your faces and just pretend to kiss. Hell, you could even go way over the top pantomime-style with your heads to make it appear your tongue is halfway down her throat. It's a win/win. You avoid doing something you don't want to do and your guests are still entertained.
posted by quadog at 9:50 PM on October 3, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I vote for delegating to other couples and for both of you finding other people to kiss (grandma, best man, the cutest baby at the reception, etc.) You can do this graciously and charmingly, pointing out that you have your whole lives to kiss each other now, and in celebration, you're spreading the luv around.
posted by desuetude at 9:51 PM on October 3, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Can you think up a few things to do that aren't kissing in response to that prompt?

The high five thing is good. Stand up and propose a toast to the room. Stand up and do jumping jacks. Get up, run around your table in opposite directions and then sit back down in each other's seats. Give them a bunch of dumbass things which are not, in fact, kisses to watch.

Of course, if they decide they like the dumbass things, you may end up doing a lot of them, but it could be fun and not embarassing like PDA.

Alternately, the first time someone starts up with the clinking, have the MC interrupt and declare that you're simply not willing to respond to that. It's a kind of unfun moment, but telling people in advance doesn't seem to work, while stopping them in their tracks probably will.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:52 PM on October 3, 2007

LOL, I didn't even know there was a glass-clink -> bride/groom kiss thing. Just don't kiss, clink your glass with your bride and look at them like they're idiots because they keep glass-clinking.
posted by zengargoyle at 9:54 PM on October 3, 2007

Sorry, your wedding's not entirely about you unless you paid for the whole thing, did every ounce of work, and sprang wholly formed and perfect from the earth. A lot of people will be spending considerable time and money to come and celebrate your love, this is really a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

That said, my wife and I also felt a little weird about the idea of making out in front of our families. The first time or two that the glasses started clinking we kissed, with some passion but no tongue. After that, every time the glasses clinked we selected a married couple to stand up and kiss, parents, aunts and uncles, even the grandparents got into the act. In the end we probably ended up kissing 3 times in front of everyone, we got some adorable pictures of grandpa dipping grandma, and no one remembered us as the weird couple who wouldn't kiss.
posted by TungstenChef at 10:04 PM on October 3, 2007

At my family's weddings, when glasses clink, someone has to kiss - not necessarily the bride and groom. I don't recall the bride and groom designating who the someone was, but I was young, so who knows? But, you gotta suck it up and give the crowd what they want at least a couple times.
posted by clh at 10:14 PM on October 3, 2007

It's your wedding, and you don't have to kiss if you don't want to. Still, you don't want cranky or confused guests, and you don't want your unwillingness to kiss to be the topic of (negative) discussion.

So, there are two ways to handle this, that I can think of:

#1: do what you want, and warn people ahead of time. Put on an insert with the invitation (and in placecards at the reception) that you prefer not to kiss in public, other than at the wedding ceremony itself, and so you respectfully request that guests not attempt to incite a kiss.

Unfortunately, this may still cause talk that you don't want, and there's always some drunk/elderly/dense person who will ignore it and clink away.

#2: your wife should select an opaque veil that can cover her face -- and yours -- completely if needed. She should wear it to the reception, then when people clink you lean forward to kiss...but she coyly pulls the veil to block everyone's view. Underneath the veil, you both touch foreheads and smile at each other, or maybe even kiss (since nobody can see) then pull the veil back.

You can have fun with this by running off for a few moments every time people clink, too -- smile, then eagerly get up and duck behind a curtain or something, and KISS! Then return to view smiling and holding hands. After all, people are not doing this to make you uncomfortable; they're doing it because they think you want the attention. They're well-meaning. That doesn't obligate you to kiss in front of them, but why not run off and kiss privately?

Still, I hope you do realize that what matters here is your comfort and enjoyment, not anyone else's, and anyone who doesn't respect your desire not to kiss at the clinking can stuff it (even if they are your great-aunt.) If that means not kissing, or giving them the finger, or clinking your glasses right back, or shouting "you first", it doesn't matter -- so long as it makes YOU happy.
posted by davejay at 10:15 PM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Remember that you're running the show. If you set up your expectations no one can make you do anything. I've been to weddings where a lot of parts of "tradition" were thrown out with no explanation, and no one demanded to know why either.

Get a crafty friend. Have them rig something up, a "blind" of sorts. Ideas: a big, decorated heart cutout (the size of your heads) that is attached to some sort of stick which you can hold up (and hide behind) when kisses are demanded. Kiss at will with no prying eyes. Or it could be some sort of curtain, a designated area/kissing booth type thing where you go. Or pop in a pair of wax lips/vampire teeth/orange slices before each smooch to diffuse the situation with humor. Put on a Nixon mask, who's going to stop you?

Or you could announce at the beginning of the reception "The first time you clink your glasses, we will kiss. Thereafter, we will designate another couple each time who will have to kiss on our behalf. Our lips are tired from all those wedding photos and we want to save some energy for the honeymoon." Then when clinking starts, point to cousin Maggie and her grad school boyfriend or grandma and grandpa. Heat is off.
posted by SassHat at 10:16 PM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sorry, your wedding's not entirely about you unless you paid for the whole thing, did every ounce of work, and sprang wholly formed and perfect from the earth. A lot of people will be spending considerable time and money to come and celebrate your love, this is really a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

I can only speak for myself and my wife, but here's what we did when my wife's mother expressed her desire to pay for our wedding:

#1: we agreed to hire a wedding planner, so that neither we nor her mother would have to lift a finger other than making key decisions;

#2: we agreed that it was our wedding, and so our decisions were final, and if she wasn't comfortable with that she could keep her money and we'd happily get married in a small church with a few family members (as my parents did) -- and we meant it.

We did this because we appreciated her willingness to pay for the big wedding, but it was important to us that it be on our terms -- and not "we want it our way but we also want your money" but "we want it our way, even if it's in a cardboard box."

This played out really well in practice, and the wedding planner served as a great foil; when her mom disagreed with a decision we'd made, the wedding planner would say something like "You know, I think it's a smart decision they're making" and her mom would have a face-saving way to capitulate.

We even did this with the band; we tried to hire a big band to play all swing and big band music, no standards. All the bands said "we'd love to, but your guests will hate it" -- and then one said "we'd love to, but your guests will hate it -- but if you'll give us permission to turn down their standards requests, we'd love to do it." So we hired them, and they actually showed up with a bunch of extra musicians who had always wanted to play real music at a wedding, free of charge. We'd also warned people to take dance lessons in advance because it would be all swing/big band. The guests had fun, the band had fun, and we had fun.

My point here (if I have one) is that you don't have to accept "the wedding's not entirely about you" if you don't want to. If you want it to be entirely about you, it CAN be, although you may lose the support of other people who want it to be more about them. Don't be afraid to ask for, or even demand, what you want (although that doesn't mean you shouldn't take good advice when you get it; keep an open mind.)

By the way, congratulations!
posted by davejay at 10:22 PM on October 3, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

and of course you should be gracious to those who offer help/financial assistance on your terms, because those are truly awesome people
posted by davejay at 10:23 PM on October 3, 2007

I recently went to a conservative/fundie Christian Korean wedding. The groomed announced that if people hit their glasses with a spoon the tradition is that one of them will read a bible passage. The kinda killed the whole 'make them kiss' vibe pretty quickly.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:28 PM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd never heard of this custom. In my family, it's customary at a meal for everyone to clink glasses with one another and celebrate the fact that we're a family. This goes for weddings, where you just clink the glasses of the guests you can reach.

Maybe I'm out of the loop, but nothing of the sort has happened at the weddings I've attended (including my own). If it did, I didn't pay any attention.
posted by ysabet at 10:31 PM on October 3, 2007

Can you just feign ignorance? I've never heard of or seen this "clinking" phenomenon and I've attended quite a few weddings in my day, and such a thing most certainly didn't occur at my own. I'd have reacted with utter bafflement, not smooching, if guests started whacking the glassware (and I say this as someone inclined towards smooching for any reason at all).
posted by majick at 10:51 PM on October 3, 2007

ysabet: "Maybe I'm out of the loop, but nothing of the sort has happened at the weddings I've attended (including my own). If it did, I didn't pay any attention."

It must be an American thing then, because this happens at every wedding reception I've ever been to, and has also happened at the over 100 weddings I've had to edit videos for, early in my career ;)
posted by melorama at 11:03 PM on October 3, 2007

I wasn't aware of it at my wedding, until one of our guests ran up to me and my wife, tapping a pen on a glass and demanded we kiss everytime we bang it. we did it a couple of times, but then, as he was the only one doing it he lost interest and stopped. I never knew it was a traditional thing, just thought it was this one guests wierd little custom.

I vote for feigning ignorance.
posted by robotot at 11:06 PM on October 3, 2007

Seconding chococat and Janta on this. My brother and his (brand new) wife announced at the first *clink* that they would only kiss (and they did so rather modestly) whenever someone had the guts to stand up and sing a significant part of a song with the word "love" in it.

The result: Cut down on the demands, plus a few very entertaining renditions from the invitees, including an almost barbershop quartet-like performance of "Muskrat Love" that just about brought down the house.

You might consider seeding the audience with a few close friends or family, people who would prepare such daunting performances as to ward of anyone with easy, cheesy Celine Dionesque ideas.
posted by donpedro at 11:26 PM on October 3, 2007

One of our ideas was to get super breakable glasses. This would probably be a bad idea, but it sounds pretty funny.

Oh my god, you have to. And take video. And post it on YouTube. And post a follow-up in MetaTalk with the the YouTube links.
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:29 PM on October 3, 2007

Huh. We did the traditional dinner/speeches/dancing thing, and nobody clinked their glasses at us once.

The thing is, though, it didn't even occur to us to fret about people clinking their glasses. I'm guessing that if people know you two are uncomfortable about PDA, some joker(s) will take it upon themselves to make you squirm for everyone else's entertainment.

Maybe you can think of ways to defuse that angle of it?
posted by ambrosia at 11:33 PM on October 3, 2007

Okay then. So just don't kiss?
Ignore them? Stand up and shake hands?
As mentioned, it's your wedding, you can do whatever the hell you want. For sure people are going to clink the glasses because it's a "standard" format wedding, as you say.
So don't kiss.
At the very worst, people will think you're uptight or humourless but you get away with having to not kiss, at your wedding, in front of all of those eyes.
posted by chococat at 11:51 PM on October 3, 2007

If you invite a single guest to the wedding, it's not ENTIRELY about you.

Such an inane response to wedding etiquette question, FTW.
posted by Roach at 12:14 AM on October 4, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Kiss her hand. It's a beautifully romantic gesture. You could kiss her hand, then she could stroke your cheek with the same hand.
posted by essexjan at 12:30 AM on October 4, 2007

If you invite a single guest to the wedding, it's not ENTIRELY about you.

Agreed. The wedding day is mostly about satisfying cultural, religious and familial traditions. If you don't want to play the game then elope. The honeymoon, however, is all about you and her.
posted by quadog at 12:49 AM on October 4, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm not familiar with this custom at all, and I've been to a decent amount of weddings (certainly more than, say, 7).

At the last wedding I went to the bride and groom weren't even standing beside each other when speeches were being made. Put your parents between you during that time? But I don't even recall a single glass being clinked. God, how annoying is that sound.

If some of your best friends are sitting at different tables from you, sit beside your different friends to chat, and stay there for the duration.

And, sure, while I agree you have a duty to your attendees, that duty ends with amazing food and music, and honestly, when was the last wedding you went to that showered you with stunningly good food? Oh, never? Exactly. Have you ever been subjected to, oh I don't know, the electric slide? Right.
posted by birdie birdington at 12:56 AM on October 4, 2007

The clinking silverware against glasses is pretty wide spread in Canada. The one wedding I attended where the couple didn't want it they just had the MC make a polite announcement and it never came up. Deflecting some of the action down onto the wedding party or the guests is pretty effective for at least reducing the amount of osculating the B&G have to do.
posted by Mitheral at 1:04 AM on October 4, 2007

No one says that you two have to make out, but you are throwing a wedding - possibly the most elaborate form of PDA in existence. Unless you have religious or moral convictions against kissing your bride in public, you should go for it. At least a peck on the cheek. People will expect this. You are in love. Come on.

If you really, absolutely cannot deal with kissing in front of watching eyes, maybe try and change the reception format like you suggested.

This is the only wedding you and your fiancée will have to share spotlight in. Far more embarrassing would be the wondering of your guests, methinks. Have fun, don't worry so much, and more than anything congratulations!
posted by roygbv at 2:18 AM on October 4, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

1) I have never seen or heard of this custom, so obviously it is not an absolutely-required part of wedding tradition.

2) If the two of you don't want to kiss, you should not feel obligated to, not because it's "YOUR wedding," but because they're YOUR bodies. Anyone trying to force you to do something intimate in public which which you are uncomfortable is being unspeakably rude. You should respond the same way you would respond to all rudenesses--smile graciously, refuse to be embarrassed, and, with exquisite politeness, refuse to give in. When you hear the clinking of glasses, acknowledge it with a smile and a laugh, stand up, raise your glasses and clink them back, bow a little and sit back down. People should get the picture that at this wedding, the kissing is not going to happen. I absolutely can't see that you owe anyone public kisses. Personally I think it sounds like a repulsive custom.

3) As a last resort I do like the idea of the groom kissing the bride's hand.
posted by bluebird at 2:26 AM on October 4, 2007

At the first clink thingy, stand up and announce that rather than kiss everytime someone clinks, you will be donating money to charity instead. After 5 tell them that all your money is gone between the wedding and charity thing so stop.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:42 AM on October 4, 2007

One wedding I attended had a large fishbowl full of slips of paper. On each paper were the names of every couple in the room. When people clinked, the bride and groom would draw a slip and that couple would have to kiss. (I do think that the b&g kissed a couple of times just to indulge everyone.) I've also seen other criteria used--longest marriage, next anniversary, etc. I've never been to a Canadian wedding where people don't clink, so you may as well find creative ways to pass the buck.
posted by wallaby at 4:16 AM on October 4, 2007

In Canada this practice comes up at every wedding I've ever been to. Ignoring it in the hope that they'll get the hint and stop will backfire--they'll just clink louder and longer until the din becomes deafening, and they won't stop until the bride and groom do kiss. Really.

It's now becoming standard practice to expect some other signal instead of clinking, though, and singing a song with the word "love" in it is what I've seen. It cuts the requests down from about 20 to 7-10.

I don't have any further suggestions beyond what's already been posted, but maybe you could announce that you will kiss once (on the hand? behind the veil?) and then after that you will get other couples to kiss on your behalf. That would show that you're good sports (you'll do it once) and that you want others to participate and have fun too.
posted by Amy NM at 5:02 AM on October 4, 2007

As a guest I find the clinking thing super annoying.

I would go with the kissing the best man or handing the duties off to another couple ideas because if you make any kind of request or announcement people are just going to speculate on how you must be embarking on a loveless marriage or what a couple of cold fish you are.
posted by Jess the Mess at 5:42 AM on October 4, 2007

Let me just say this. Whatever method you choose, please don't worry about what "people" are going to say or think, because those "people" are going to find something to bitch about or look down their noses at or whatever. It's your wedding, do what you want.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:05 AM on October 4, 2007

Although this has happened at lots of weddings I've been to, it didn't happen ONCE at my own wedding. I didn't realize until now how grateful I was/am for that! (Now, we did lots of kissing on our own, but no one clinked for it).

There's nothing wrong with telling your friends and family (at the rehearsal dinner, or via word of mouth) that you think it's kind of crass and please not to join in. They love you and will help you out as much as they can.

If a couple of people outside that group try to get this "tradition" started, you have two choices. Either (a) be a good sport and kiss, or (b) raise your glass - like a toast, or a salute - in the direction of the clinking. That lets the people feel acknowledged, without you feeling like a trained kissing-monkey.

In fact, I think solution (b) might be exactly what you're looking for? Kind, thoughtful, respectful and appropriate.
posted by nkknkk at 6:32 AM on October 4, 2007

ps: Don't think that the singing thing will necessarily help. At a wedding I attended, the bride and groom requested songs with the word love in the title and it turned into a two-hour guest karaoke session that pretty much derailed the whole reception. And it didn't solve the problem.
posted by nkknkk at 6:34 AM on October 4, 2007

I am guessing that the people attending your wedding know you, right? And that they know you are not the PDA type, right? Then they know and should understand your position so don’t sweat it.

If anything maybe you throw then a bone with a quick peck but only if you want to – no judgment here.

Also I believe you can convey your feelings with an embrace so maybe that is an option.
posted by doorsfan at 6:57 AM on October 4, 2007

If your priest/officiant will attend the reception, to bless the dinner or something, ask him/her to say a few words to the effect of "The bride and groom respectfully ask that you refrain from clinking your glasses in an effort to make them kiss. I'm sure you will honor their wishes."

NOBODY disobeys the priest. And they've heard it all. S/he can probably handle a request like this.

I've been to one wedding where the priest said just this sort of thing and it worked a charm.
posted by chocolate_butch at 7:21 AM on October 4, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Chinese or Victorian fan in front of your faces.
posted by desjardins at 7:30 AM on October 4, 2007

We just smiled and waved and waited the clinking out. It was pretty clear that they weren't going to break us. It's been five years and we haven't seen any ill effects. Though maybe we were cut out of some wills that night... ;)
posted by advicepig at 7:36 AM on October 4, 2007

I recently officiated at a wedding of my friends, who are well known for avoiding PDA. The phrase "you may kiss the bride" was left out and everyone at the reception knew them well enough not to do the whole glass clinking thing. They actually did kiss after I pronounced them married, which was the first time anyone had ever seen them do so.

In short, nthing what many others have said. It's your wedding, do it your way.
posted by elendil71 at 8:32 AM on October 4, 2007

As another option, my brother's solution was to mandate that anyone clinking a glass would have to make a speech if they wanted to see a kiss. Speechless clinking would be ignored entirely. People were shy enough that there was no clinking at all.
posted by oreonax at 8:38 AM on October 4, 2007

I am baffled by the people who have never heard of this custom. My reception was eight people in a sandwich shop and they still clinked their glasses. I vote for designating another couple to kiss - a different one each time. I think it's sweet. Just make sure beforehand that none of your friends/family is also anti-pda!
posted by arcticwoman at 8:47 AM on October 4, 2007

I have never heard of this practice, and I've never seen it. Then again, I grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, where most wedding receptions were held in the "fellowship hall" at the church, and no alcohol was allowed. Good times.
posted by Evangeline at 8:57 AM on October 4, 2007

You certainly shouldn't kiss if you don't want to. Giving in to other people's demands about how you love each other is the wrong way to begin a marriage.
Perhaps you could arrange a rumor that one of the grandmothers would be horribly offended, without naming which one? Or have the mc say that out of respect to certain people present, there will be no kissing? He needn't say that the certain people are the bride and groom.

Or maybe have the minister say, "you may now kiss the bride, and then not kiss her again for several hours?"
posted by smoakes at 9:14 AM on October 4, 2007

Two things...
in the wedding I was just at, the couple just "didn't hear" them clinking the glasses, after the 3rd try, the guests stopped trying.

Also, the best I was a part of the DJ announced that in order for the couple to kiss, someone had to sing a song with the word love in it (now to be honest, this didn't really work, as my table (former RHPS cast memebers with the bride) just kept singing... as a side not, the funniest thing in the world was that we realized afterwards, that singing you lost that lovin feeling was a bit inappropriate, ESPECIALLY since every male at the table expect me had hooked up with the Bride at some point or another :-)
However, you could ask the DJ to make some sort of similar announcement if you feel uncomforatble saying anything.
posted by niteHawk at 9:16 AM on October 4, 2007

Do we do this in the south? Hm. I've never seen this before. Anyway, here's how we avoided it: we eloped to Maui. :)
posted by empyrean at 9:16 AM on October 4, 2007

Designating other couples to kiss by pulling out of a hat is cute - make sure none of the couples are having problems first!. Designating them by length of marriage is a nice way to give attention to grandparents or favourite relatives. You could also just call out couples you see that you know would be comfortable.

Singing love songs cuts the kissing down if you have a shy crowd. If not, you could be in for trouble like the karaoke wedding mentioned above.

You could do something to make them earn it. At a recent wedding I went to (a close friend - my husband was the best man), they bought dollar-store lego and made people at each table build things with it. Then they would bring it to the head table to see if it deserved kisses. This was meaningful for them (they discovered a mutual love for lego on their first date), and it was a *lot* of fun. (I was at the table making naughty lego sculptures).

A lot of people didn't bother making the effort, but the ones who did really earned those kisses. This was a very small wedding with a really down-to-earth crowd, so if your wedding will larger or more conservative, it may not go over so well. It also may be not so good if there are lots of kids - they won't stop making stuff and will expect you to kiss every five seconds!

If all else fails, just do chaste kisses on the cheek and keep them quick. If you look embarrassed enough, maybe they'll take pity on you.
posted by melissa at 9:25 AM on October 4, 2007

Have the DJ/MC make this announcement right after everyone is seated and before anyone has a chance to clink their glasses:

"Because the ODivs are so grateful for your love and support, they would like to give you all a gift tonight. Instead of having them kiss each time you tap your glasses, each time they clink their glasses all of you have to kiss!"

Touche!
posted by 4ster at 9:52 AM on October 4, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Give your wife a quick peck and don't make a big fuss about it, otherwise the drunk uncles will see a weak spot and clank away all night. I know it seems like a big deal now, and creepy, and tasteless... but it's not worth worrying about.

Throwing the garter, on the other hand...
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:42 AM on October 4, 2007

Interesting responses. And "congratulations" on your upcoming wedding.

In my experience the clinking of glasses to "require" a kiss is gauche at best, and is usually a (lack of) class indicator.

Perhaps simply indicating the above would prevent it.

Don't participate in traditions which don't suit you.
posted by lothar at 10:47 AM on October 4, 2007

At a wedding I attended, the bride and groom clinked their glasses at the beginning of the meal and kissed once, as if to demonstrate how the custom works, but then said that whoever else clinked their glasses would do so in order to announce that they wanted to kiss their partner. No kissing for the newly married couple after that!

(And by the way, the tradition is also popular in Germany, though it hasn't been done at every wedding I attended.)
posted by amf at 11:20 AM on October 4, 2007

It does seem to be a regional thing. We recently had a Texas weddin' and the Yankees in the group tapped and sat there waiting for kissin', while the Southerners sat there waiting for the tapper to make a speech. Yay cultural confusion!
posted by Jacen at 12:18 PM on October 4, 2007

How can we avoid kissing during the reception?

The answer to the question, as you asked it, is obviously, "Don't kiss." I have never seen anyone physically forced to kiss when they didn't want to.

It seems that maybe your question is, "How can we avoid kissing during the reception without looking like uptight, humorless prigs." If this is what you're getting at, I'm not sure you can both defy tradition, and also dictate people's reaction to your defiance of tradition.

I have been to weddings where this was not done. At my wife's and my wedding, it was only done a couple of times, if at all.

For what it's worth, I think dealing with it by just giving each other a quick peck is actually quite painless. That's how other people I've seen have handled it ... and they seemed to survive with their personal integrity not seriously damaged.
posted by jayder at 2:16 PM on October 4, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Just say "I have oral herpes" really loudly.
posted by spitbull at 2:33 PM on October 4, 2007

Make everyone eat with plastic sporks.
posted by Foam Pants at 1:57 PM on October 5, 2007

Agreed. The wedding day is mostly about satisfying cultural, religious and familial traditions.

I have to disagree here; for some people/cultures it might be, but not everyone feels this way. My wife received this offer from her mom: $x dollars to spend on a wedding, or towards a down payment on a house. I left the decision in her hands, and she chose the wedding because she (and I) wanted it, not because we were satisfying cultural, religious or familial traditions. And I find it hard to believe we're the only people in the world like this.

Heck, I even have two friends who got married, and had three weddings: one for the reasons you describe (for the groom's parents, which they hated and had no fun at), one small formal wedding with close family and friends (for the bride's parents), and one wedding at a bowling alley with no formality (but a lot of over-the-top dresses and such) so that they could have one on their own terms.

Weddings are what you want them to be, and even if you're doing it to fulfill a cultural or familial or religious obligation, that's because you have chosen to do it for those reasons -- otherwise you could just elope, as you say. So it's still all about you.
posted by davejay at 2:44 PM on October 5, 2007

I love the suggestion of pulling names out of the hat, but here's another that goes along with your formal wedding: have the best man and the maid of honor spread the word that the bride and groom are very anxious that people will start doing this and it is something that makes the couple very uncomfortable. The Best Man and the Maid of Honor are supposed to take on the more onerous tasks so that you can enjoy your day, and it softens the blow when the censure comes from as an aside from a concerned friend rather than some Official Proclamation.
posted by misha at 4:28 PM on October 8, 2007

To anyone checking up on this we ended up kissing only twice to satisfy the glass clinkers. This is much less than I've seen in the past, so it was a pretty good number, I'd say.

To minimize the glass clinking we:

- Didn't have a head table. We sat at a regular table in amongst everyone else. This meant the attention wasn't on us.

- Moved around separately through the night. I honestly couldn't really eat much and I wanted to have a chance to talk to everyone, so my wife and I spent a lot of time individually visiting tables and chatting with everyone.

- Made threatening gestures. They tried to get us when we went to cut the cake (Those uncles!), but I shook the knife in their direction and they calmed down.

Thanks to everyone for the help. I'm really glad we were able to avoid the 15-20 clinking sessions I sometimes witness at weddings without making anyone feel awkward.
posted by ODiV at 11:39 PM on March 23, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]