What's the correct protocol for the French double-kiss?

June 2, 2006 1:33 AM

[French-kissing filter (not that kind)] When doing that little double kiss the French do, should I go right then left, left than right, or is there some subtle clue that the French give off to let you know which direction you should be moving your head? 'Cause if you go left when she goes right, it's not office appropriate and seems to upset her...
posted by bonecrusher to society & culture (26 comments total)

ISO cheek kissing begins by going left.
posted by jannw at 1:43 AM on June 2, 2006

I don't find the first cheek question difficult - start on their left cheek. But is it 2, 3, or 4 - that's the really tricky part. If you go for 3 and she's expecting 2, then it can get a bit awkward.
posted by jontyjago at 1:53 AM on June 2, 2006

Yeah I would start with left...I think how many kisses to do depends on how familiar you are with the person being kissed - my French aunt always kisses me three times, whereas other French people I've just met will only kiss twice.
posted by schmoo at 2:01 AM on June 2, 2006

Thanks everyone. I've done it wrong before, and, wow, was that awkward.
posted by bonecrusher at 2:01 AM on June 2, 2006

Hey, wait a minute - her left cheek from my point of view or from hers?
posted by bonecrusher at 2:03 AM on June 2, 2006

her left cheek from your point of view. The number of kisses is a regional thing. Paris is two, but where I am in Geneva is 3 and I have been somewhere where it's 4 but I can't remember where...
posted by jontyjago at 2:07 AM on June 2, 2006

In northern Italy it's usually three kisses, always starting to your left.
posted by cactus at 3:00 AM on June 2, 2006

To expand on this topic some more, I'm a new expat in Paris, and while I sort of figured out which cheek goes first, the new question is who gets kissed? There have been a few situations where I felt like I didn't know the person well enough so I extended a handshake, but it looked like I left her hanging. And then when there's a group of people, do we really have to go through the motions of kissing each person hello and goodbye? Reminds me of the old Seinfeld episode....
posted by DefendBrooklyn at 3:03 AM on June 2, 2006

I've been wondering if it was constant across Europe, so i'm just throwing this in as a point of comparison: same thing in Hungary - you kiss the cheek that's on your left (i.e. their right cheek) first, and then the other cheek, for a total of 2.

I don't think it's done nearly as often here as in France, though; usually just between lady-friends or on special occasions. (Before Christmas, for example, I became haplessly involved in a rotating cheek-kiss circle of death involving about 35 people, each of whom had to kiss everyone else at least once.)
posted by xanthippe at 3:09 AM on June 2, 2006

As for when and who you would kiss, as a general rule, if it's a social occasion you would faire la bise even if you had never met the person before, but you knew them through somebody else. And don't forget, it's usually hello and goodbye.

In professional circumstances it's a little different. I have worked in a place where you wouldn't kiss at work but if you met your colleagues socially you would kiss them. However, where I work now, everybody kisses everybody every day. But only hello, not goodbye. Although the men might shake your hand goodbye. It's all very complicated. And if you're both wearing glasses it's a pain as well.

As a general rule I hang back and if i see them come forward to kiss, then i kiss and if i see the hand coming forward, then I shake hands. Although I must say the locals never seem bothered by any awkwardness that getting it wrong might cause.
posted by jontyjago at 3:18 AM on June 2, 2006

I have another question. Is it an actual kiss or more of a touch of the lips to the cheek?
posted by DieHipsterDie at 4:04 AM on June 2, 2006

It's more of a touching of your cheek to their cheek and making a kiss sound.
posted by DefendBrooklyn at 4:37 AM on June 2, 2006

Being parisian, I kiss this way twice (can't remember if I start left or right, but I trust you guys), but I encountered some Freemasons who almost insisted on being kissed thrice. Go figure...
And yes, my regional friends tend to insist on a 4th kiss, which can be awkward. If I know the person well enough, I might insist to 12 kisses, and have him/her oblige.

If you can't choose between kissing or shaking hands, just wave your hand goodbye : most of the time the other party will get their hand or head closer, and you'll be able to know.
Myself, I kiss if I tutoie, else I wave or shake...
posted by XiBe at 4:51 AM on June 2, 2006

In the Netherlands: Start from your left, and do 3 in total. Strictly a male-female thing, reserved for family or close friends.

Also, what DefendBrooklyn said. And with really uptight people, even the touching of the cheeks is removed, and it becomes a rather strange gesture where you move your heads really close together and make some weird fake kiss.
posted by Harry at 5:42 AM on June 2, 2006

a rather strange gesture where you move your heads really close together and make some weird fake kiss.

At which point it's commonly known as an "air kiss" and is negatively associated with American upper-crust socialites.

In my experience.
posted by Zozo at 5:56 AM on June 2, 2006

I live in Quebec, and some Quebecois people do the cheek kiss, and it's two kisses, left then right, just as another data point.
posted by ITheCosmos at 6:09 AM on June 2, 2006

when there's a group of people, do we really have to go through the motions of kissing each person hello and goodbye?

Normally, yes.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:41 AM on June 2, 2006

I have an Italian friend who told me the cheek to cheek or actual cheek kiss question depends on how much you like the person. It is quite weird and I never really know how to handle it with her.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:18 AM on June 2, 2006

For the male-female pairing, does the guy kiss or just the girl?
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 7:26 AM on June 2, 2006

RikiTiki - both kiss, though as DefendBrooklyn writes, the "kiss" involves touching cheeks and kissing the air, not touching your lips to the other person. BTW, men shake hands with other men, in my experience (a year in France, both Paris and provinces, and several shorter trips).
posted by brianogilvie at 7:38 AM on June 2, 2006

it's girl-girl and guy-girl. guys don't usually do it to each other, but i've seen it. it's usually simulataneous. in more formal situations there is sometimes just a handshake. follow their lead. in italy it's the other direction. in argentina it's one kiss.
posted by BigBrownBear at 8:20 AM on June 2, 2006

When in France, I have found it helpful to assume that I am the "kissee" because I am the visitor/guest/new person. Also, it helps to be the "kissee" when meeting or greeting a man, since I am a woman. In this way I can allow the other person to take the initiative, and I just follow their lead.

I did get into one of those "cheek-kissing circles of death" once, and it was so awkward! I was meeting the cousin of a friend in Montpellier, along with the cousin's wife and two children. The four of them insisted on kissing three of us four times each at the front door. I took it as a sweet desire to welcome all of us as family, even though I was momentarily flummoxed.

smooch/smooch!
posted by shifafa at 9:58 AM on June 2, 2006

So am I the only person who has experienced the cheek kiss in the UK? I visited some family there for a wedding and got cheek kissed far more than I would have expected. Is this a common British thing or was I just around some very effusive old men?
posted by MadamM at 10:23 AM on June 2, 2006

two is standard for people you don't know. But with family, it goes up to four, especially with the older relatives. I've gotten off the plane at CDG and been kissed by my grandparents 4x at the barrier, and then again 4x once I got around it. That's 16x for two people!
posted by chelseagirl at 10:24 AM on June 2, 2006

At least young people of opposite sexes cheek kiss a lot in London. I have noticed that in Italy it's three times at least with the ladies that I've met. In Scandinavia no, but in Holland yes. And in Belgium at least with my friends, two times, among close male friends as yes.

I've tried to google but got a variety of versions for each country. I guess the best thing is to try to anticipate what the other person will do. Tricky thing, kissing. Sometimes you end up in the middle!
posted by keijo at 11:49 AM on June 2, 2006

Demi-derail: I think we need a one-word neologism for this, cuz "French kiss" and "cheek kiss" are either taken or non-specific.

Anybody know of one? If not, I nominate "eurobuss" or "tenniskiss."
posted by rob511 at 5:47 PM on June 2, 2006