You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. RUUNNNN!

September 3, 2007 8:45 AM

Separated men and dating. Your insights, por favor.

So I had a quick fling with a separated man... my first, as it's always been a rule of mine to avoid them. He (two kids, moved out of the house 4 months ago) & I had a lot of chemistry though... lately I've been a bit lonely and I was very attracted so I thought what the heck. But as soon as red flags started showing up on date #3, I gathered my wits and realized I needed to stop it before going much further. I think he's a very nice man but he's clearly mourning his marriage & I don't want to allow that to be projected onto me.

I thought he was going to take no for an answer, but today he texted me about 13 times, e-mailed twice, and left 2 voicemails begging me to meet him and talk about things and reconsider not seeing him anymore. I know myself, and if I met with him I'd totally cave in. So I decided to be tough and text replied that I was sorry but for now I have to say no, that I think the pain from his marriage is too fresh for him to be ready for a healthy relationship with me but that I'm sure we'll talk again in the future. Because honestly I wouldn't mind dating the guy if his head was on straight... it's just that right now I don't believe it is. Actually, I know it isn't.

I've been very cut and dried about keeping my distance over the past few days, but I don't want to seem callous or not understanding about what he's going through... I'm not trying to hurt him, I just can't let myself be dragged into it someone else's problems. So here's where I ask about your experiences with this kind of a situation. It's new for me, and in the past I've always just avoided it before it began. This time I'm just trying to handle myself maturely and if possible I would like to remain supportive of him without getting dragged into something I can't handle.

Have you been him? Have you been me? What are your insights from it?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Keep listening to your gut. You need to put yourself first- not to sound harsh, but you don't owe this guy anything, and you are absolutely right that four months out he still has too much baggage to deal with.

You don't want to be a rebound relationship, and that's entirely within your prerogative. It's not about seeming callous or uncaring about his situation- it's about being true to yourself first.
posted by ambrosia at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

but today he texted me about 13 times, e-mailed twice, and left 2 voicemails begging me to meet him

Run back to the bunker and barricade yourself.

You've been cut and dried and he's still clinging. Any sort of attention to him will 'cause more cling, so continue to be firm and ignore him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

You aren't in charge of his feelings. And you know, if he's calling/texting/emailing that much in a day I'd say he's waaay the heck too clingy besides.

I just can't let myself be dragged into it someone else's problems.

So don't, I say. Don't try to explain it to him cuz he's obviously not going to be ok with any answer you give. Keep radio silence and move on.
posted by CwgrlUp at 9:01 AM on September 3, 2007

What everyone else said.

I've been you, only the guy was saner. We're now relatively happily married.

I would avoid this guy like the plague.
posted by pammo at 9:15 AM on September 3, 2007

today he texted me about 13 times, e-mailed twice, and left 2 voicemails begging me to meet him and talk about things and reconsider

separated or not, RUN !!!
posted by matteo at 9:15 AM on September 3, 2007

It has nothing to do with the separated part. That guy is not ok relationship material. I agree with the "saner guy/now married" part, I have been there as well.
posted by kellyblah at 9:20 AM on September 3, 2007

I thought he was going to take no for an answer, but today he texted me about 13 times, e-mailed twice, and left 2 voicemails begging me to meet him and talk about things and reconsider not seeing him anymore.

He's crazy. Like the others say, run.
posted by jayder at 9:21 AM on September 3, 2007

My general thoughts from the guy perspective.

I was separated for a year and a half before my divorce was final. Although I knew there was zero chance of ever getting back together with my ex, and felt no moral obligation to her, I didn't think it was fair to bring anyone else into the middle of my drama. I'm not saying my way is the only way, but I can't imagine someone who really cares about you wanting to cause you drama. He is focusing on what HE wants, all else be damned.

There were MANY times I was lonely and it would have been an easy fix to start looking for someone. But I think I did the greater good by resisting, and dealing with my own issues.

Only 4 months separated, he is not available for a real, grownup, mature, mutually satisfying relationship. He is most likely wanting to lick his wounds and feel better about himself, and sees you as a way to help with that. It's not your responsibility to try and help him heal. It will only result in a very unhealthy relationship for you.

Step away. Please don't try to "be there" for him. I know that sounds cruel, but you must protect yourself and understand that he is not available yet, and it has nothing to do with the paperwork.
posted by The Deej at 9:34 AM on September 3, 2007 [4 favorites]

How long have you seen it as your job to heal people? Any reason you're so self destructive in life?

Forget chemistry. You're in doubt, cause you're lonely, and likely finding this emotionally satisfying. He's giving you 'intense' affection (as he's felt none, likely, for awhile.)

So, to put it in perspective, you're just the 'next' girl to come along (yes, a rebound.) Quit thinking otherwise. Give him a year (yes a year!) Maybe he's right. But right now, he's radioactive.

And never date anyone who before they sign the final papers.
posted by filmgeek at 10:33 AM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Keep saying no, and keep it short. I once tried to explain to someone (not a separated someone, though) why I didn't want to see them. Since "I just don't want to" seemed unnecessarily brusque, I tried to explain more fully, but that only led down the path of them trying to convince my why my reasons weren't valid.

Your reasons are yours, valid or not (and they are valid, IMO); you've already explained them, and he doesn't like them, and that's too bad. Say "No, I'm, sorry. No." Repeat as needed, and don't elaborate. If he continues trying to convince you, filter his email into the trash or "do not read" folder, and likewise delete the texts without reading them.

Good luck. You know you're right, and doing the healthy thing - stick to your guns.
posted by rtha at 10:41 AM on September 3, 2007

Do not respond to him. He'll just learn that it takes 14 texts, 3 e-mails, and 3 voicemails to get you to talk to him, or however many it takes.

It is your right to choose your relationships based on whatever criteria you choose. If he can't accept that, it's a problem.

Don't let it be your problem.
posted by winna at 11:00 AM on September 3, 2007

Well, 13 texts is too much of a good thing if he is respectful of you. But it may be an aberration. And you do like him. So tell him to go away and come back in x months' time and you promise to have a cup of coffee with him then, at least.
posted by londongeezer at 11:00 AM on September 3, 2007

The next time he texts you, tell him you do not want any contact with him. Do not say "until you are sane" or give any indication that you might want to be with him later. Just tell him you will no longer be in contact with him. After that, ignore him.

It may seem harsh, but you have already explained your reasons. He has not accepted them yet because he is not in a place where he can listen to you. You don't want to be involved in any way with someone who can't listen to you, so even trying to provide emotional support for him will likely end badly. He is so desperate for your affection that he can't respect your boundaries.
posted by mai at 11:35 AM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, and as far as seeing him later is concerned - now is not a good time for either of you to make that decision. See how it feels to walk away and if in six months you are still interested, you can initiate contact. Don't make any promises to him and don't give him any false hopes - it will just make it harder for him to let go of you.
posted by mai at 11:36 AM on September 3, 2007

13 times in one day? eek. do not return his calls, do not text back, do not email him. if he shows up at your door, tell him to leave or else you'll call the police. if he doesn't leave, call the police. yes, it's mildly embarrassing for you, but he's being creepy and you should protect yourself. (maybe this is why he's separated.)
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:08 PM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I was separated for 18 months before my divorce was final. Within the first two months of that span, I started seeing someone I am still with 10 years later. Just one small data point to suggest not all rebound relationships are doomed.
posted by browse at 2:36 PM on September 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

From the separated man's perspective: He's hurting. (You would too if your marriage was coming unglued.) He needs two things: 1. Help with his problems, which can come from some form of counseling or group -- it need not necessarily be you. 2. Acceptance, love, and sex, to reassure him that what he's going through (one of life's bigger calamities) is not the end of the earth and he is still a valued human being with the rest of his life ahead of him.

You can decide for yourself whether you want to be involved with number 2, which might turn out to be a transitional relationship of six months or so (as it was for me) or something shorter or longer.

From my background in the 1960s and 1970s, I believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with a close relationship that dosn't last long term. You can learn a lot from each other about life and relationships, not to mention enjoy the closeness, love and sex.

If you want to say "no" now, fine. If you want to see what a relationship with this man might be like, you could try talking with him to set some ground rules about what's OK with you and what isn't (e.g., him talking about his about-to-be ex, what she did back then, what she's doing now, problems with his kids, taking out his frustrations on you, whatever.) IF he can understand what you're talking about, and willingly agrees to it, you might give him a try. (You can always end it later, if it isn't working out.)
posted by exphysicist345 at 4:45 PM on September 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think the pain from his marriage is too fresh for him to be ready for a healthy relationship with me

You probably know this already, and this is something of a technicality, but if you give this as your reason, he can always argue, and truly he's the expert. Some of the rest of what you said ("he is clearly [seems to be] mourning his marriage & I don't want to allow that to be projected onto me" "if possible I would like to remain supportive of him without getting dragged into something I can't handle") is a little better in terms of communicating what you want/need without any risk of accidentally leaving him with additional baggage or defensiveness ("I AM ready. I CAN have healthy relationships.")

The rest of what you said sounds great -- it doesn't sound like you're being callous, and it sounds like you're handling it maturely. Best of luck.
posted by salvia at 4:53 PM on September 3, 2007

For me and my ex, once the papers were filed the marriage was over. I then proceeded to "date" again. It took me a year before I felt I was able to maintain a "relationship" (more than 1 date week, no more than 4 contacts, i.e. text, email, phone, per week.)
This man is under construction.
Wear a hard hat.
posted by Floydd at 8:22 PM on September 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Same boat as browse above except for the 10 years later part. I wasn't looking for a relationship but the relationship found me anyway. It's been a year now and we're still going in a direction both of us enjoy . I think the individual in your case is far from ready however and would recommend that if you were going to make a blanket rule that it be to not date separated men. All of my acquaintances who have separated and divorced went through a lengthy period of that weird mix of angry and mourning. I have a goodly bit of that myself but am good at recognizing it for what it is and don't let it poison my current relationship.
posted by Fezboy! at 3:52 AM on September 4, 2007

I'm wondering about the kids. You don't mention meeting them so maybe you haven't. That dimension also might require some delicacy and extra time.
posted by MiffyCLB at 6:40 AM on September 4, 2007

My advice on dating seperated men? Don't. Plain and simple. I've been burned twice by men coming out of marriages, who swore on a stack of Bibles, three Torahs and a Koran that they were healed, were ready, willing and able to embark on another serious relationship. They never were.

We all need adequate time to heal from a breakup, no matter who initiated it. You've already seen signs that he is mourning the end of his marriage, as well he should be.
Ignore him and he'll go away.

Maybe a few months down the line, you can drop him a line just to check on his well-being but if I can save anyone from the heartache I endured with Separated Man No. 1 and Seperated Man No. 2 (both of whom were amazingly affectionate and attentive far too early in the relationship)...well..I would. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 10:24 AM on September 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your decision to stop seeing this man is the right one, in my opinion. He has a lot to get through on his own before he can be a reliable part of anyone's life. I dated a man right when his divorce became final, and it turned out that I was merely someone to help him get past the pain of his divorce. He later moved on and married someone else.

I'm sorry for his pain and for your loneliness, but things WILL get better for both of you....on your own. If, after he is divorced and has spent some time getting his act together, you and he still want to see one another, then go ahead.

Good luck!
posted by Womanscientist at 8:57 PM on September 7, 2007