How can I explain to my boyfriend that his request is insane?

June 19, 2007 6:28 AM

How can I explain to my boyfriend that his request to tell "the other woman" is insane?

Before my boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago, I slept with a colleague of mine several times (about 4 times total, over a period of several months). The last time I slept with him was about a month before starting to date my boyfriend.

I am not proud of sleeping with my colleague because he has a live-in girlfriend that he was cheating on with me. I am not at all in the habit of having sex with people who are cheating, and although I can make excuses for why I did it (loneliness due to constant travelling, feeling flattered that he was paying so much attention to me when I was feeling bad about myself, recent bad experiences with other men that had really hurt me), I know what I did was wrong. I have no lingering feelings for this colleague (I didn't have romantic feelings for him at the time, and wasn't even particularly attracted to him physically). Sleeping with him was a big mistake and I know it, and I am positive I will never do it again, whether I stay with my current boyfriend or not.

I was stupid enough to tell my boyfriend that I had done this, and his reaction has been very negative. We have been working on this issue for the entire time we have been together and it doesn't seem to be improving. I cut off all non-work related contact with my colleague - we had been friends, with him coming over to my apartment to hang out after work (99% of the time there was no physical contact at all with the collague during this time) but these visits and all other aspects of the friendship have now been ended by me.

My boyfriend has been checking my email (after repeated requests to stop doing this) and gets very upset when I have to work with the colleague in question. The latest detail was when I told the colleague he could call me around 7:30pm to discuss work-related issues. The other night, my boyfriend told me that he wants to tell the colleague's live-in girlfriend about the fact that my colleague cheated on her with me. To me, this is absolutely crazy. It's none of his business, or mine, and the only thing that can come out of this is that the other woman gets badly hurt. But when my boyfriend asked me if someone cheated on me would I like to know, the answer was "yes". He thinks this is reason enough why we should tell the other woman about what happened.

How can I explain to my boyfriend why this is a very bad idea? Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue? I love my boyfriend and we fit together very well in all other areas of the relationship, but this surveillance and jealousy is driving me insane and must stop if we are to continue dating.

I want to reiterate that I never cheated on my boyfriend and am quite sure that I would never do so.

posted by anonymous to human relations (74 comments total)

I'm not one of the dump-yer-boyfriend types on AskMe, but if you ask me, I'd say dump him. If he's controlling you as much as he seems to be (checking your e-mail after you tell him not too, intruding on mistakes you made before you even dated him, etc), he's not going to change.
posted by sian at 6:43 AM on June 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

My boyfriend has been checking my email (after repeated requests to stop doing this)

He'd be out the door for that if he were my boyfriend.

Does he know who your colleaugue's girlfriend is? If not (and why would he know?), then there's no real danger than he's going to tell her. And you, because you are a strong independent woman, can simply refuse to tell her if you think it's a bad idea. You don't need to convince your boyfriend that your logic is sound; it's not really his business, after all.
posted by amro at 6:44 AM on June 19, 2007

I agree with amro. Checking email without authorization is a big colossal no-no for me. He'd be on his ass.
posted by the dief at 6:45 AM on June 19, 2007

It strikes me that no matter how sure YOU are that you have not cheated and will not cheat, HE is quite confident that you have been/are/will be unfaithful to him.

Obviously, it is unacceptable that he is attempting to force you to sh!t where you eat by dropping a bomb in your colleague's relationship. Does it not occur to him (or you) that on top of it not being really any of your business, this supposed act of contrition could have serious ramifications on your job security and long-term career? Your co-worker's S.O. will likely do anything she can to hurt you: Can you afford someone exposing the details of your affair? Mightn't you lose your job, or at least lose your ability to advance? Won't that damage to your reputation also harm your ability to find other work in your field?

It's plain to me that your boyfriend's interest in pressuring you to confess does not stem from some warm-and-fuzzy desire to cleanse and purify. He is looking to punish you for a transgression you committed before you and he were together, and apparently feels that unless you play the penitent and accept your lumps for your sins, you are not moral enough for him. Can you live with that kind of contempt?

No matter how compatible the two of you may seem on other levels, the level of snooping (he reads your email on an ongoing basis? THAT"S A DEALBREAKER!) is extremely unhealthy. If he's important enough to you, some serious relationship counselling is in order. If you don't feel he's worht that level of effort (or he doesn't feel you are worth the hassle) then your path is crystal clear.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 6:45 AM on June 19, 2007 [6 favorites]

I don't know if you'll be able to tell him a reason why you shouldn't do that will actually reach him. It sounds like he just wants to hurt your colleague and his girlfriend, because he himself has been upset about what happened. There isn't really a rational reason for why he's upset and he's trying to lash out. Given all that, I'm not sure anything you tell him is really going ot reach him about why telling this woman is a bad idea.
posted by piratebowling at 6:46 AM on June 19, 2007

Anyone who checks your email, especially after you've asked him to stop, is boundaryless in a fairly destructive way. He doesn't really sound like someone you need to be with.
posted by sneakin at 6:48 AM on June 19, 2007

Ask him why he wants to tell the girlfriend. It sounds to me that he's not really interested in acting in her best interests, but more interested in the girlfriend tightening the leash on your colleague so he can't mess around with you. Maybe he'll slack off if you show him that his intentions aren't the best.

If you're dead-set on salvaging the relationship, I'd suggest you get counseling. But if he's beating you up over past mistakes and can't get over this issue, I'd say just dump him. Something's wrong with the way he's acting.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:48 AM on June 19, 2007

Hmmm, the green-eyed monster (jealousy)...

I agree that it is merely destructive for your boyfriend to tell the 'other woman'. He's not being reasonable, whatever his feelings. I feel pretty sure that if he does tell the other woman, he will regret it: he will have gratuitously caused distress to someone who has never caused any to him, not to mention you and your ex-lover. To put it another way, it's none of his f---ing business.

But. These things do have a way of getting out of hand. And your boyfriend, living in a free country, has the right to tell if he wants. You have limited grounds for complaint if he speaks the truth, no matter how awkward for you. I think you should treat him like a grown-up, in the hope that he will behave like one: make your case for his not telling as clear as possible, then tell him that you will not return to the subject and that the final decision is up to him.
posted by londongeezer at 6:49 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

And, by the way, that boundary problem is obviously coming into play with his threat to tell the other woman. He sounds a little bit unhinged. Not "Sleeping With the Enemy" unhinged, but still kind of creepy possessiveness and unfounded jealousy. I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
posted by sneakin at 6:49 AM on June 19, 2007

Successful relationships are built on trust. If he fails to trust you then you do not have a successful relationship. If he persists in this craziness and if he goes against your wishes to tell the other woman, then trust is gone and so should he be.
posted by caddis at 6:50 AM on June 19, 2007

Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue?

No. I appreciate that you love him but a guy who will engage in this level of paranoid, creepy behavior when you've only been dating three months needs to be cut loose, and in a jiff.

Think about it this way: you didn't cheat, nor did you cheat on him, and it all happened before he came along... and he's this freaked out over it. As in, this is not even the long spectrum of the behavior... how would he behave if something befell your actual relationship?

The past fling is a co-worker (meaning how you handle what you've already acknowledged was a mistaken, and now complicated situation, can affect your job/income, which your BF clearly does not respect); his demands on the extent to which you should adjust your behavior are simply not reasonable.

The "other woman" is none of his business. His need to exact justice is either about hurting the co-worker, who he perceives as a romantic competitor, or about some bizarre moral position, or both.

I think that there are so many bad omens in this thing right now that you'd be best served to end it. But, if you want to give him a chance, I would still recommend that you put your foot down and say, "Look, this was before you, it's not about you, and I've dealt with it all I plan to. If you can't get over it, now, including leaving The Colleague and the Other Woman alone, I'm ending it. Capisce?"

And, if you have this conversation and it doesn't go well... or your boyfriend continues on the "I want to tell her" kick... if under any circumstances, he has access to the Other Woman... the only decent thing for you to do is to warn your co-worker. Don't let him get blindsided by his girlfriend getting blindsided by your crazy boyfriend.
posted by pineapple at 6:50 AM on June 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

Yes, the checking-your-email is a major no-no with me, and there'd be some serious boot-meets-hind-quarters contemplation going on. I think it's absurdly unlikely that he'll cease this type of incessant jealously even if the deal was sealed.

However, I don't think that you have much say in the matter of what he does. The fact that you expressly told him that you, on the record, disapproved of it, puts you in the clear. If he wants to squeal about it, it's all on him. Put your foot down that you'll take no flack if things get messy, because this was all his doing. Have you talked to the colleague aout the trouble? (I guess since you're anonymous, you can't reply, hmm)
posted by vanoakenfold at 6:50 AM on June 19, 2007

Er...not that you needed another person saying this, but DTMFA.
posted by softlord at 6:51 AM on June 19, 2007

This guy goes way over the line by checking your e-mail, and further over it by continuing to do it when you tell him not to.

He doesn't trust you. You need to issue him an ultimatum: either he figures out how to start trusting you, or he walks. Or you walk.

Ratting you out to the other woman would put him not just over the line, but on a different planet. I cannot imagine any outcome favorable to him that could justify his doing this. What does he really think he'll accomplish?

It's not clear how old you or your boyfriend are, but assuming you are adults, he has to understand that every potential partner will have a sexual history, and will have made mistakes in life that we have to treat as part of the past. If he can't do that, he's going to be very lonely.
posted by adamrice at 6:52 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think you have some huge trust and boundary issues with your boyfriend. It doesn't seem that this has anything to do with your boyfriend's concern for the "other woman" but that he thinks he's found a way to put a large wedge between you and work guy. He feels threatened, so he's using what he thinks should pass as a morally correct thing to do... but his real goal isn't morally pure, it's to make sure that the other guy hates your guts.

First of all, change your email password and tell him it's unacceptable for him to be checking your email. If I were you, I would be pissed that I had to actually take that step rather than just asking him not to check.

Second, tell him that it's none of his business what happened between you and the work guy before you got together and further that you have an ongoing work relationship with him that is ALSO none of his business. You seem to have been honest with him about the different phases of this old relationship, and like it or not, that you're not going to blow up an important work relationship just because he's too insecure to actually TRUST you.

This is a big test for your boyfriend. You're going to learn a lot about him as this plays out. I hope for your sake you like what you learn.
posted by mikel at 6:55 AM on June 19, 2007

Why don't people realize when they're in a abusive relationships?!! This is bad. You need to leave.
posted by chickaboo at 6:57 AM on June 19, 2007

I was stupid enough to tell my boyfriend that I had done this, and his reaction has been very negative.

You did learn an important lesson in all of this. Surely you would not tell anyone about the affair in the future. It is in the past. Move on. Let your b/f loose. He will never trust you.
posted by JayRwv at 7:00 AM on June 19, 2007

Boyfriend = crazy, possessive, controlling. Leave before he starts rearranging your towels.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 7:03 AM on June 19, 2007

Get out now. The guy's an idiot and if this is his behavior after 3 months it will only get worse.
posted by dobbs at 7:04 AM on June 19, 2007

1. You can't trust him.
2. You can't get him to listen to reason.
3. He's obsessed with your former lover.
4. He reads your email.
5. He tells you who you can and can't be friends with.

Have I missed anything?
posted by chuckdarwin at 7:06 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your new BF has serious trust issues. Im sure this isnt because of, but probably enhanced by your admission to him of being the "other" woman in morally questionable behavior.

Unfortunately, reading email without permission and especially continuing to do so after being asked explicitly not to is a huge breach of trust. (can you change your password? set your pc screen to auto lock itself with a password - there are steps you can take)

3 months into your relationship with this (or really at any time) is crazy. Trust/Jealousy/Control issues - which is what your BF has - are not healthy and if I were you I would exit this relationship.
Such boundary breaches dont bode well for the level of respect or trust he has in you and my impression is that those things won't grow with time given his mental maturity.

Be prepared for whatever fallout - he may make good on his desire to inform your coworker's girlfriend. My advice is to learn from such things and try not to repeat the behaviors that got you here in the first place - which seems to be what your stated intent - so good for you. You really cant change him, just yourself.
posted by clanger at 7:12 AM on June 19, 2007

You forgot to include all the stuff about how your boyfriend is so great, which might explain why you haven't dumped him already.
posted by chunking express at 7:13 AM on June 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

My boyfriend has been checking my email (after repeated requests to stop doing this)


He can't love you if he doesn't respect you.

He has got to go. No ifs, ands or buts. Change the locks before you tell him and change any computer passwords.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:23 AM on June 19, 2007

I'd just like to point out that the first couple months of a new relationship are usually the "honeymoon period" where you are floating around on dopamine and serotonin, and doing your damnedest to hide your personality quirks and minor neuroses as best you can. If this is how he acts now, the crazy will only get crazier.
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 7:39 AM on June 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

Bugger it, I'm with the crowd mentality on this one.

Dump the boyfriend (even if he has got wonderful things going for him), change your locks and passwords, and find someone who trusts you, respects you and doesn't insist on controlling you.

I'm sorry you're not getting the answers you were hoping for but if you must stay with him then the answer you're looking for is simply trust. As others have said.

Telling the 'other woman' when you've asked him not to is a betrayal of your trust. And if he loves and respects you then he'll do as you ask.

Good luck and let us know what happens.
posted by Nugget at 7:43 AM on June 19, 2007

I've been in a relationship similar to this before (different catalyst, same reaction) and all I can say is run, don't walk away from this man. You don't have to prove yourself to him, you don't have to convince him, he will never let it go. He is using this to control you. Leave him.
posted by ukdanae at 7:45 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

You may as well try to explain to a bear why eating you is "mean" and the bear should "quit it."

Nthing dump this asshole. Dump him NOW before you need a restraining order.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:48 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've dated variations of your boyfriend. I should not have.

2nding Maxwell_Smart.
posted by kmennie at 7:49 AM on June 19, 2007

It's simply none of your BF's business who you slept with previously, and the fact that he's making believe that it is should tell you a lot about him.
posted by OmieWise at 7:53 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

This sounds a lot like a year long relationship I had. Confiding in him about past relationships made him jealous. The jealousy started out as him snooping on my emails, moved into the realm of ridiculous, dramatic requests on his part and eventually ended in pulling and punching. The only stupid thing I did was not get out sooner.

You've repeatedly asked him to step back, he couldn't. Get out.
posted by Ness at 7:54 AM on June 19, 2007

Tell him "No," and tell him to fuck off to his own business if he brings it up again. You're an adult; this happened before him. About the only time that I could see pressure about reporting pre-relationship sex is if you were raped (and even then, he'd have to respect your decision).
posted by klangklangston at 8:03 AM on June 19, 2007

I'll take an ever so slightly different track on this one. Maybe the boyfriend isn't a great guy for all the reasons mentioned and ought to be dumped. Maybe you left out some details that lend credence to the boyfriend's case and he isn't as bad as he sounds. I can't imagine that all the little details of the relationship have managed to make it on this little AskMe post.

As to answer your question... How can I explain to my boyfriend why this is a very bad idea?

I'd see if you can get an honest answer as to what he wants to accomplish from this. I think that his goal in telling her has everything to do with ruining the other guy's chances with you. Pretty much if you tell her, he finds out you told her, his relationship ends and is mad at you. Your boyfriend is happy, you are most likely not happy.

I don't know of many guys that like the idea of their girlfriend being friends with someone she has slept with. Some guys are more OK with it than others but I don't know of anyone that really likes the idea... And in his eyes this guy can't be trusted with you because your boyfriend knows that this guy has cheated on his girlfriend before. Even if he trusts you he doesn't trust him. He is probably worried that he'll try something again and rightfully so. Guys do not often become "just friends" with a girl they've slept with and then hang out with them at their house after work... Normally the "just friends" thing fades into the "I never see you at all anymore except for those few really awkward moments." The fact that your relationship didn't fade into that is pretty good evidence that this guy might try something again. Pretty much your friend from work still would like to sleep with you. He may or may not act on it... But he wants to. Your boyfriend probably knows this, hence the freaking out.

He needs a lot of reassurance right now. You need to understand that a couple words aren't going to gloss this over. It is a huge relationship issue. You used to be "the other girl." You were the partner in crime with this guy from work. While it is easy for you to confess your love for him and declare you would never ever cheat; it will not be easy for him to accept that. And you need to accept that it won't be easy. You need to put as much of this out in the open as possible.

You aren't going to be able to explain to him why you shouldn't tell the other girl because it is not about that. You need to figure out and address his insecurities. If you ask him what he is hoping to get out of the confrontation with the girl you might be able to push the conversation toward your relationship which is where the problems are.
posted by magikker at 8:09 AM on June 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

I'm with Maxwell_Smart -- generally, someone will never treat you better than they do at the beginning of the relationship. Ditch the guy -- that sort of irrational jealousy and need to control doesn't get better. First you cut off social contact with the guy, then there is a huge problem at work because your boyfriend narcs on him and someone ends up behaving badly in public, then next month he will be upset because "you were clearly flirting with that waiter" or "who were you talking to on the phone?" or "that dress is too slutty." The problem isn't your sexual past or the honesty of your guy at work, it is a problem in your boyfriend's head and you can't fix that (and don't want to try, either).

And really, I think there are two lessons here. One is that next time, don't tell your new boyfriend about your fling with the guy at the office (unless he is the kind of person who is clearly cool with that). The other is that stories about this boyfriend are going to raise red flags for some people. Both represent fairly serious relationship mistakes, and are worth learning from, but maybe shouldn't be discussed in such sharp detail with a new partner. (At the same time, your past is part of what makes you "you," and you need a partner that likes you for who you really are, and that includes the choices you have made. So I am not advocating pretending that you are someone else, or that you have never made some funny choices.)
posted by Forktine at 8:10 AM on June 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

He doesn't give a shit about the girlfriend's best interests. He's just insecure about your relationship with your colleague and wants to knock the guy down a notch. Confront him with his true motivations, and all of a sudden he's revealed as an insecure bastard who's willing to make his girlfriend's working life hell by disregarding her wishes so he can feel like the alpha male.

(on preview: what magikker said)

Then he has two choices: he can then know he's busted and display a bit of humility, or he can continue pretending he's some noble altruist. If he chooses the latter, you can dump him knowing you did more than would be expected of you and gave him an out that he didn't take.

I know you don't want to break up with him, but if he continues acting like this it doesn't bode well. If you stick around you'll have to go through more of the same for months, years, or forever waiting for him to grow up. Unfortunately from the details you've given, this behaviour is probably deeply ingrained. If you break up with him, do his future girlfriends a service by telling him exactly what a dick he has been, in the hope that it might be the kick in the pants it takes for him to change.
posted by teem at 8:10 AM on June 19, 2007

I forgot to answer teh second question

Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue?


No, not really... This relationship seems to have too many major issue to early.
posted by magikker at 8:14 AM on June 19, 2007

dump the boyfriend - get out.
posted by citron at 8:16 AM on June 19, 2007

You didn't cheat on him. You ended the relationship before you started dating the new boy.

I personally would attach the AOL "Goodbye" sound to your email client opening, and add a .bat file that pops up a message that says something like "no, really, leave, we're done."
posted by TomMelee at 8:30 AM on June 19, 2007

I agree with pretty much everyone else: this guy is bad news and you should get out now. I'm only bothering to comment because nobody else has mentioned that if/when you break up with him, he may well tell "the other woman" anyway, out of some combination of resentment and a confused sense that she "deserves" to know, and you should be prepared for this.
posted by languagehat at 8:34 AM on June 19, 2007

Dump him.
posted by anotherpanacea at 8:34 AM on June 19, 2007

I'm not one for relationship advice delivered as acronyms, but damn, reading your e-mail and obssessing who you slept with before him? DTMFA, indeed.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:35 AM on June 19, 2007

This is a new boyfriend?

Usually, people take a while to become this creepy. Imagine what the future holds!

Perhaps you can find someone with more self-confidence next time.
posted by FauxScot at 8:39 AM on June 19, 2007

I would just like to point out the question is "how should i explain to my boyfriend that his request is insane?" It's not "should I dump my boyfriend?"

This guy does sound controlling and very possessive, especially when his actions are after a mere three months of dating. However, I think your response should more be an ultimatum than a boot.

I have a problem with some of the opinions in this thread, though. First, I think if you tell your significant other who you slept with previously, then they have a right to express an opinion about it. I don't think relationships are seamless, and that suddenly when you're with someone new that all that past intimate contact with others didn't mean anything or doesn't affect your current partner. You said in this question that you weren't even attracted to the co-worker that you slept with, and that you weren't romantically interested in him. The fact that you slept with the guy anyway (then told your current boyfriend that you had done so) would make me a bit concerned if I were the boyfriend in question. [If his insecurity was legitimate and NOT a power trip, I think most his fears would have been resolved when you stopped hanging out with the co-worker on a social basis.]

However, insecurity is one thing. How this guy dealt with that insecurity is clearly unacceptable. E-mail snooping? Threatening to tell the other woman? These are not things that can continue in the relationship. If this sort of behavior is as unacceptable to you as it is to most of us (and it seems from your leanings that you don't like this behavior much) then give him an ultimatum. And change your e-mail password.
posted by Happydaz at 8:49 AM on June 19, 2007

I'm not really sure if I agree with all the people above who say that your boyfriend isn't really concerned with the other woman and is, instead, jealous. But, see, here's my reason: your boyfriend is so insane that I just don't know what's up with him.

Really, it doesn't matter what his real motivation is. With this guy, whether or not you should be with him doesn't depend on his motivations because his actions are way bad on their own. Even if his motivations were something entirely pure, somehow, he still has awful, stupid methods of reaching his goals. Or, rather: he still has awful, stupid methods that cause you distress of reaching his goals. (Or, on preview, what languagehat says.)

I nth dumping him. Quickly! And be very careful when you do so. I wouldn't trust this guy to react kindly throughout a break-up. From what you've said, there's probably a good chance that he will respond with fierce retaliation and, unfortunately, this other woman business could be great ammunition for that.
posted by Ms. Saint at 8:56 AM on June 19, 2007

Er. What language hat said that I repeat was the third paragraph of my post. That's egg on my face.

But, it bears repeating yet again: he probably won't be nice when you break up with him.
posted by Ms. Saint at 8:58 AM on June 19, 2007

I would just like to point out the question is "how should i explain to my boyfriend that his request is insane?" It's not "should I dump my boyfriend?"

The question also asks, 'Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue?'

The OP's verbiage suggested that sticking with the guy regardless was not necessarily on the table; obviously those of us who felt like DTMFA is the best option felt it was kosher to say so.

If his insecurity was legitimate and NOT a power trip, I think most his fears would have been resolved when you stopped hanging out with the co-worker on a social basis.

Except for how they weren't, as she stated in the question. The opinions in this thread that you seem to have a problem with are based on info that the poster explicitly provided. Wishing the guy were less a nutbag than he is, so she could be more empathetic, doesn't make it so.
posted by pineapple at 9:00 AM on June 19, 2007

How can I explain to my boyfriend that his request to tell "the other woman" is insane?

Telling him its insane is not going to make him suddenly realize that you're right. (Even if you are.) I think you should calmly explain to your boyfriend that it happened, and as you said, you know what you did was wrong, it was a big mistake, and you are positive you will never do it again. I would tell him all the reasons why you shouldn't tell, and that it's not his/your place to tell, it's the other guy's. I know that might be a cop-out, but really, even if you "would want to know" you REALLY wouldn't want to find out from the other woman or even worse, her current boyfriend. I think if he continues to disregard your position after this conversation, you should break up with him.

Furthermore, I think you should alert your colleague to this situation, because I think regardless of your future with your boyfriend, there is a very good chance your boyfriend will tell.


However, do you want to know what I really think?

I think that anyone that can't get over something like that and makes it an "issue" that needs lots of discussing (and you've only been together three months!), someone that checks your email, and someone that is willing to sacrifice your best interest for his agenda, is not someone I would want to call my boyfriend. His behavior is insane, and I think you should dump him now. He will not improve, even if this particular situation is resolved.
posted by ml98tu at 9:13 AM on June 19, 2007

To second pineapple, "Dump him" is a perfectly acceptable response to the OP's second question, "Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue?" There is simply an implied "No, you should" before the word "dump".

This is doubly true if one reads the subtext of the primary question as, "I am concerned that my new boyfriend is an unstable psychofucknut who wants to further jeapordize my already tenuous professional situation by dragging an unsuspecting, wholly innocent third-party into a drama that ended months before I ever started seeing him. He seems to want to punish me for having made some mistakes in my personal life before he was ever part of it. I don't see how this can possibly end well. Can you help me gain some perspective on this because, secretly, I sense that the situation I'm currently living in is wrong and scary, but I have so little faith in myself I'm going to go on suffering quietly while my boyfriend threatens me, invades my privacy, and makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do?'
posted by TryTheTilapia at 9:21 AM on June 19, 2007

You said in this question that you weren't even attracted to the co-worker that you slept with, and that you weren't romantically interested in him. The fact that you slept with the guy anyway (then told your current boyfriend that you had done so) would make me a bit concerned if I were the boyfriend in question.

Really? This seems like passing some sort of weird moral judgment on the original poster for having casual sex, which I recognize people have differing opinions on, but is generally pretty normal in the dating world. She should find a man who is also okay with it, who will have slept with his own questionable choices, and who couldn't care less what happened before they met. While it might be normal (and in my experience, it is not) for men to be territorial about their gf's former partners, it is not cool, it is not okay, and it is a double standard that should be discouraged.
posted by alicetiara at 9:26 AM on June 19, 2007

I was working under the assumption that an answer of "Dump him" meant "You really don't have to explain anything to him." But, if that's not enough, here's how to explain it to him:

"Listen, Insane Boyfriend, this is my life. It is my decision to make, not yours. It was my relationship, and it is now over, and I will handle it however I choose. You do not have a right to tell me how to act, and it is none of your concern how I justify my actions. If you do not like my behavior, then too bad. I will not justify myself or argue with you about this one more time. Again, it is none of your business. "

And then, of course, that should be followed by asking for any keys or other possessions back from him and showing him the door.
posted by Ms. Saint at 9:40 AM on June 19, 2007

I don't think the poster asked whether or not she should dump her boyfriend. She asked how she can explain that her boyfriend's plan to tell "the other woman" about past transgressions is a bad idea. Nobody knows her situation better than she, and I would hope she knows better than to trust the mob and its typical "crucify him" mentality.

With that said, anonymous, it sounds like you're really trying to come to terms with this awkward situation and are open to ideas on how to make your current relationship work despite this nagging issue. The problem your boyfriend is having is dealing with the knowledge that this person you had relations with is still a major part of your life. I honestly don't think that he doesn't trust you-I think that his main concern is this other guy. If someone is willing to cheat on their live-in girlfriend (your boyfriend says to himself) then his scruples aren't very high. Now add you into the mix as the one he cheated with. And you still have to see this guy every day at work.

This knowledge really gnaws at him. It causes him stress knowing that you're in constant contact with this sleaze bag who took advantage of you. What's stopping him from trying again? The only thing he can think to do is to lash out at the source of the stress, the sleaze bag. Teach him a lesson, or something like that.

Your boyfriend is insecure about your relationship. He doesn't think that you would be able to stop any further advances from this other guy by yourself. That might be insulting to you, and if you asked him directly, he would deny it. But he figures that if a guy can flatter you and take advantage of loneliness once, he can do it again. You have to tell him directly, "I will not let this guy come between us, but you have to let me deal it." It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to also just let him know why you're with him and not someone else. If you can get that across to him, he will probably drop the issue.
posted by tjvis at 9:47 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's checking your email now against your explicit wishes.

Next he'll be checking your cellphone logs. And then questioning items on your credit card statements. And watching the mileage on your car. And questioning what time you come home.

This guy is a tool whose behavior goes beyond reacting to a blow to his fragile male ego. He's overly judgmental and based on what you've said, he really seems like a control freak with possible anger issues.

Get out.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 9:47 AM on June 19, 2007

Ok, so, aside form the who 'dump' him tact.

Get into his life. Seriously. Ask for his email. Pour over all of them. Ask him for a list of people he slept with. Take a look for porn on his computer. Does he ever take any drugs (yes pot.) How about drinking before he was 21?


Somewhere here he'll object.

There are two issues here:
a) Personal privacy and trust

Now, ask him, what makes him think that it's appropriate to be checking your email. At what point, does being intimate equate to being invasive? Point out to him, that either he trusts you (and that's why you're having the conversation) or that he doesn't (and you shouldn't be together.) That his actions of 'checking' your email are essentially saying, he doesn't trust you. By the way, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD.


b) Moral Judgments.

It's your coworkers lack of judgment that is getting punished, not yours. Your BF is just out to punish and 'damn the consequences.' Ask him to turn himself in for underage drinking, etc. It's not his job to 'police' or 'point out' other people's moral failings. Tell him to live his life well, instead (and ask him to explain the difference between going through your email, morally, and being single and sleeping with someone he disapproves of.)


He's going to be touchy and defensive; don't attack him; instead ask him to rationally explain his behavior. After all, doesn't he at least owe that to you?


If you do decide to break up with him, I can see the behavior where he'll contact your colleague's GF. If you do break up, you'll want to preemptively strike, and meet your philandering ex, and spin a story of your current being 'crazy.' That if he calls that they should call you, as he's become paranoid, and he shouldn't be believed.
posted by filmgeek at 9:56 AM on June 19, 2007

it's none of his goddamn business, and he's a dick.
the simplicity of this all is just beautiful. you know what you have to do
posted by matteo at 10:00 AM on June 19, 2007

I don't think the poster asked whether or not she should dump her boyfriend. She asked how she can explain that her boyfriend's plan to tell "the other woman" about past transgressions is a bad idea.

Again, okay, except for where she said, "Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend and help him get over this issue?"

"Should I keep trying to work things out with my boyfriend?" is a yes/no question. "No" can very conceivably mean dump him.

Regardless of what the poster intended to ask, a significant part of her actual question clearly represents that she is considering ending it, at least on some level. If she intended for the question posed to be AskMe to be exclusively the language in the title of the post, then she wrote it poorly.

Feel free to call it mob mentality that so many of us happen to agree on this one, but people need to stop alleging that anyone who says "dump him" is somehow against AskMe guidelines. We're answering one of the questions she posed -- whether or not it's the same part of the post you find most crucial. We don't all have to agree on that.

Also, alicetiara, thanks for articulating that which bugged me about that particular comment, but which I couldn't put my finger on. Of all the questions asked in the post, I didn't see anywhere, "Is it okay that I slept with someone I wasn't involved with?"
posted by pineapple at 10:03 AM on June 19, 2007

I'm not going to touch on the relationship end of this, but I will say this: Change your email password. Don't give this password to anyone.
posted by jjb at 10:24 AM on June 19, 2007

Here's my experience dating a highly jealous guy:

I did not heed the red flags. I tried to work with him on his jealousy. I cut contact with ALL of my male friends, including former boyfriends and platonic friends, because the boyfriend was overwhelmed with jealousy. Eventually he became suspicious of my female friends, thinking they were all hussies bent on leading me astray. I would go out with a couple of girlfriends and he'd be convinced we spent the evening trying to pick up men. He didn't like me wearing too revealing of clothes or any makeup. Heaven forbid a male I didn't know smile or speak to me. If a cute convenience store clerk made small talk and the psycho ex-bf was around; I'd never hear the end of it later on.

He'd check my email, read my mail and even went through boxes of my papers from years ago, to read letters and journals prior to our relationship. It really burned him that I had photos of previous boyfriends and he took it upon himself to destroy some of my photos.

The control issues and psychological abuse escalated into verbal abuse and humiliation. Eventually, he took to shoving me and spitting in my face when he'd get really mad. I'm embarrased to say that it had to get to that point before I ended the relationship. The whole time, I was in doubt that my relationship was abusive. I wasn't walking around with a black eye or bloody nose or anything.

If and when you end the relationship, please change your locks immediately. I did not take this step and psycho ex boyfriend and a friend came to my apartment when I was not home and took some of my property.

It has been 7 years since I broke up with psycho bf and he still periodically tries to contact me. I fortunately live 8 hours away.

I'm only putting this out there as a cautionary tale about how a highly jealous partner can spin out of control. Your situation may be quite different.
posted by pluckysparrow at 10:27 AM on June 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

I thought of a way to explain it to him... Well, sort of.

If you want to try to work things out with this guy tell him, "I don't want to get entangled with them anymore that I have to be. You want me to stop being around this guy and I have. I'd like to put it ALL behind me and confronting the girlfriend is going to bring up things I'm not very comfortable with."

Try the "I'm not proud of what I did, I've seen the effect it has on our relationship and would like to forget about that part of my past and work on our future."

If that doesn't work there is a huge issue.
posted by magikker at 10:37 AM on June 19, 2007

To answer your title question, I believe it's commonly accepted among counselors that confessing an affair that is in the past and unlikely to recur is generally not helpful to the cheated on person or the relationship. Confessing is more appropriate when it is an ongoing affair that is currently affecting the relationship.

But to answer the subtext: DTMFA. He doesn't get to police your past.
posted by happyturtle at 10:48 AM on June 19, 2007

The problem with the question "how can I explain to my boyfriend that his request is insane" is that this is not an issue that will be won on "explaining." In other words, Anon, you could very well construct the most air-tight, worthy-of-the-Supreme-Court argument on the planet as to why his request is insane, and it won't matter.

His behavior is not being driven by reason or logic. His behavior is also -- and this is crucial -- not driven by "love" for you, either, despite what he may have said or implied. He is driven by possessiveness and control. Love requires trust and respect. He is demonstrating that he has neither for you.

At the end of the day, Anon, there is no one magic thing for you to say to dispell his "issues" to make him stop behaving this way. There is no perfect, logical explanation for you to construct to get him to see the error of his ways. The failure is not yours; it is his.

Once you accept that, how should you proceed? Well, I defer to the posters above who urge you to act decisively, but to take precautions. You should certainly protect yourself, and be prepared that he's going to tell "the other woman" anyway.

Beyond that, I think you've been very articulate and clear about your emotional and personal motivations for previously getting involved with your colleague the way you did; it would be worth taking the time to bring that same insight to bear as to your motivations for getting involved with your current boyfriend. I would guess that some of those earlier issues -- self-esteem, loneliness, etc. -- were still in play when you first met your boyfriend. So even though the moral question of getting involved with someone already attached wasn't in play, some of your own underlying issues may still have very much been motivating you.

Take the time to work on them -- to feel good about yourself, outside the context of any romantic relationship. And think about the qualities you'll expect from the outset in your next relationship. You deserve better than this, and you can have it.

Good luck.
posted by scody at 11:06 AM on June 19, 2007

I would just like to point out the question is "how should i explain to my boyfriend that his request is insane?" It's not "should I dump my boyfriend?"

I think dumping him conveys, pretty clearly, that the request is unreasonable.
posted by almostmanda at 11:16 AM on June 19, 2007

If for some strange reason you haven't dumped him yet, just tell him that the minute he tells that woman is the minute his butt is on the curb.

(By the way, how do you know the woman doesn't know? The other guy may actually have told her by now. And it really is up to him to tell her.)
posted by konolia at 11:28 AM on June 19, 2007

You sound really defensive and apologetic. Somewhat reasonable in regards to the colleague and his gf, but totally unreasonable w/ the BF. Stop being defensive and make it totally clear that events prior to the relationship are absolutely off-limits. Change the password on your email and set it to not remember your password.

Behave in this relationship as you would in a relationship with someone who is not controlling and possessive. You'll likely find out very quickly that he can't cope.
posted by theora55 at 11:33 AM on June 19, 2007

As someone who acted like kind of a dick under the influence of sexual jealousy in the past, I'm not prepared to judge your boyfriend as an unrecoverable asshole on the basis of the information in the question. However I don't think he's going to get over this and you would be better off breaking up.
posted by teleskiving at 11:40 AM on June 19, 2007

Duh duh duh DUMP HIM!
posted by wonderwisdom at 11:48 AM on June 19, 2007

follow-up from the OP

First, thank you to everyone who responded. I'm
always amazed that so many Mefites are willing to take
time and energy in helping someone they don't even
know, and it's clear that many of the answers took a
lot of thought and effort to compose. Please know
that I really appreciate it.

Just to single out a couple of responses, magikker
really got it right, I think, about this being about
my boyfriend's insecurities. The answer from tjvis
explaining what he thinks my boyfriend's motivations
are could have been written by him - it's exactly the
way he has explained himself.

Now, just an update - I told my boyfriend that I
needed a break, and spent yesterday and today with no
contact, except to tell him, this morning, that I
thought there was very little chance of us working
things out. My boyfriend got very upset and called a
depression hotline, who referred him to a counselor he
could see right away. He went there this afternoon
and spent about 2 hours in free counselling (we are in
Europe - please now mentally add this data point to
the Michael Moore documentary - the depression hotline
people even asked if he needed someone to come and
pick him up and take him to the counselling center -
for free!).

I went to see my boyfriend briefly tonight, and he
told me over and over how incredibly sorry he is for
his behavior. He said that the counselor helped him
to understand that it was caused by his insecurities
and that it has nothing to do with the casual fling
with the colleague, which my boyfriend now admits was
a minor thing. He is no longer interested in telling
the colleague's girlfriend, and is willing to continue
counselling on his own and/or with me in order to work
on his issues. He admits that the entire thing is his
problem and his problem only.

I know that these things don't fix themselves
overnight, but I do believe that when my boyfriend
puts his mind to something he gets it done, and he has
definitely put his mind to fixing his problems in this
area. I am reassuring him and being there for him,
but I have also made it clear that if he spies on me
one more time it is over.

We are both adult children of abusive alcoholics, and
I think this means we both get confused sometimes
about what is and isn't normal and acceptable in a
relationship. But we are both very, very willing to
work on ourselves and on our relationship. I love
him, and believe we're going to get there.
posted by jessamyn at 11:49 AM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I like the suggestion to turn the tables on him. Ask him for his passwords, ask him if you can go thru the call log on his cell phone, etc. Of course he won't like this, and likely will tell you no. This is the perfect time to ask him why it's ok for him to have full access to your private matters, but not the other way around. If he points out because you slept with your collegue, then you can point out that he surely slept with someone before you two got together, so what's the difference??

His behavior does sound very controlling and manipulative. For him to be acting like this so early in your relationship does not sound promising for future months or years from now. It's doubtful that this is a passing emotion that will suddenly cure itself.

True statement... If he doesn't trust you now, it's doubtful he'll trust you down the road. And a relationship without trust is a shaky one at best.
posted by SoftSummerBreeze at 12:10 PM on June 19, 2007

Thanks for the update, anon and Jessamyn.

Congratulations on taking some initiative. It's good that you've set up boundaries, and also good that your (former? current? quasi?) boyfriend seems to be respecting them. A word of warning, though: People who are abusive are extremely good at apologizing when necessary. I'm not saying your boyfriend won't change his ways, I'm just saying, his actions would look identical right now regardless of whether he was sincere or simply planning on being the jealous stalker type in a week or two once your guard is down.

Best of luck in this matter.
posted by Happydaz at 12:30 PM on June 19, 2007

So, he not only makes you feel guilty about this, spies on your email, refuses to trust you, tells you who you can and cannot be friends with AND wants to ruin your work environment?

I am not jumping on the dump-his-ass bandwagon I am flinging myself enthusiastically atop it.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:30 PM on June 19, 2007

Based on your comments, OP, sounds like you'll be giving him another chance. And he may well be able to fix himself up and you'll all live happily ever after. He sounds like he means it.

But I also urge you to remember that, while many people can fix those problems in themselves, many more cannot. I urge you to realize that you are giving him another chance, and it is on him to prove himself, not on you to learn to live with his possessiveness and controlling abuse. And that kind of behavior IS abuse, make no mistake. If he truly wants to change, I wish you the best of luck, but you need to be ready to cut him out of your life immediately if he shows you that change is not something he is capable of.

You shouldn't have to live that way. You DON'T have to live that way. But he doesn't decide if you DO live that way - YOU decide that.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 1:55 PM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

just a general note: Knowing that someone is monitoring your email is the perfect opportunity to create a fictional drama that will scare the shit out of said eavesdropper. (e.g., an email from an "old friend" reminiscing about the old boyfriend that you "accidentally" threw down a well)
posted by troybob at 2:06 PM on June 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've had jealousy issues in relationships in the past. Every single one of my relationships has been scarred by jealousy. There exists one person who, if they snooped in my email and message logs, I could possibly forgive - after kicking them out for a few days while I calmed down. That's my husband. Anyone else? They would be out of my life forever, instantly. Totally. I have a zero-tolerance policy, because the way I live, jealousy is unacceptable.

Your lifestyle may be able to tolerate jealousy; it's up to you to decide how much you can deal with, and be firm about that boundary. I'd suggest that forcing you to dump friends is probably over that line. Counselling for the both of you is probably also good idea.
posted by ysabet at 9:04 PM on June 19, 2007

Anon, keep in mind that your BF's behavior is symptomatic of the abusive personality. Consciously or not, he's playing you.

I suggest you read the book, Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men. My mother had a history of falling for these types of men and reading this book was like a flashback to every boyfriend she ever had (sans one, thankfully her final one).
posted by dobbs at 6:12 AM on June 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Dear OP: Please consider the notion that someone who sleeps with someone else without a specific attraction, rather out of lonliness, is probably a very wonderful person. Especially in the context of both people understanding it's sex, not a relationship. You sound like a really wonderful person, far as I'm concerned. The guy who cheated on his girl sounds rather cool to me, too, in that he could have something like that and continue as friends and collegues.

I really hope your boyfriend comes to terms with his jealousy. You might consider getting him to read some old Heinlein novels, which deal rather extensively with sexuality and jealousy.
posted by Goofyy at 7:39 AM on June 20, 2007

The problems here are much bigger than the answer to the question you're asking. The literal answer to your question is:

"Dear boyfriend, what you're proposing is insane. Sincerely, your girlfriend."

But that's not going to fix what's wrong here. In fact, I bet that you've probably already tried it with no success.

The real problems have to do with trust, and they're two-sided.

You described some ethically questionable behavior to your boyfriend. He expressed disapproval, leading you to believe you were "stupid" to trust him with this story. In other words, you told yourself not to trust him with sensitive stories any more.

Now, probably based on discussions you had about this issue, he's beginning to show evidence that he doesn't trust you. (Let's skip over the part where we discuss whether or not he's justified; it doesn't matter. If his trust is damaged, it has to be repaired before it can be worth analyzing it any further.)

Now let's look at his behavior. He's reading your email and he kept doing that after you asked him not to stop. That's a serious violation - on his part - of your trust in him, which is already impaired because of his initial reaction.

Finally, he's threatened to do something aggressive, to you, that would cause incalculable, maybe irreparable damage to your career. Telling you that you should tell the other woman is one thing; threatening to do it himself is quite another.

You guys are about where Israel and Palestine, or India and Pakistan are - a hugely unstable situation that's about to blow stuff up in a major and destructive way because of a fundamental lack of trust on both sides. Governments call in professional diplomats and mediators to assist them with these problems.

You have to decide whether this relationship is worth that level of intervention to you. If it is, you need to do it without wasting a minute (it's called couples counseling) - I guarantee you're in too deep to fix this yourselves. Trust is the foundation of all human relationships. If it is not present you cannot build anything else.

If it's not worth it - to each of you - and it may not be, if this relationship is only 3 months old - you need to bail out now before this situation gets even worse than it is.

For your reference, if someone I'd been seeing for three months made a credible threat to destroy my career, saving the relationship would be last on my list of things to do, right below, oh, say, maybe putting a large wooden stake through that person's heart. Walking away from this terrible, terrible relationship would be #1, at the very top of that list.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:21 PM on June 20, 2007