How much do my hosts need to know?

June 13, 2007 7:26 AM

Breakup/Houseguest Etiquette question: How to RSVP?

My partner of 4 years is moving out in two weeks. We are either possibly, probably, or definitely breaking up as a result, depending on which day you ask us me.

Some classy friends of ours mine invited us up to their summer home a couple of times last summer, and I just got an invitation to spend just such a weekend with them and their friends in July. As I'm only sporadically in touch with them otherwise, they don't know anything about the big move-out/break-up.

I don't know how much to tell them, if anything. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to make them feel bad about any of it, and I also don't want them to anticipate that I'm going to be a Debbie Downer because of this.

So do I:

...RSVP in the singular and say that the bf can't make it, and don't share more until we're catching up that weekend?

...RSVP in the singular and not mention the breakup to them at all the whole weekend? (They're not very close friends, and they may not really need to learn about all of this in the midst of a big social event.)

...RSVP and let them know in the email that he won't be coming because he's moving out and reassure them everything's fine, so that they have time to adjust to the idea before they see me?

...decline the invitation and wait until I am more secure in my handling of all this nonsense to have big social weekends?

Thanks, kids.

posted by hermitosis to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Best answer: If you feel going will make you happy, I would RSVP in the singular and say that the bf can't make it, and don't share more until you're catching up that weekend.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:28 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

If they aren't particularly close friends, then I would:

...RSVP in the singular and not mention the breakup to them at all the whole weekend?

Or, depending on your mood:

...decline the invitation and wait until I am more secure in my handling of all this nonsense to have big social weekends?

Do you want to go to this weekend getaway? If you don't, you may want to avoid parties and what not till you are more settled in your relationship issues.

Eitherway, I don't think your not close friends need to know about your love life.
posted by chunking express at 7:29 AM on June 13, 2007

I'd go with number 1 to begin with, then suss the situation out to see if number 2 would be more appropriate.
By all means go, it will do you good.
posted by Floydd at 7:31 AM on June 13, 2007

I vote the first option.

No need to tell them any more gratuitous or gauche information about you and the partner, especially if you aren't that close with these friends. Also, who knows how you'll be with the partner in July if you don't know how you'll be tomorrow?

I would just deal with it as and *if* necessary at the time. You never need to tell them anything if you don't want to, but that's a call to make in July.
posted by bluenausea at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2007

On preview, what Floydd said. Going will be good for you.
posted by shothotbot at 7:32 AM on June 13, 2007

Best answer: I'm sorry about your impending life change, whatever it turns out to be, that's never fun. If you don't know what's up it's totally acceptable to just RSVP for yourself and figure you'll catch them up, or not, when you get there. Also, I know it may be hard to get perspective, but sometimes telling people (as in, when you get there) can be a good thing because they can switch into "take your mind off it" mode which might actually take your mind off of some of it.

Clearly you'll need to play it as it lies for some of it, but unless they're super close frinds, there is no need to give them a play by play of what's going on now. A little time out of the house sounds like it might be good right now AND would give your partner some time to move things out of the house while you're not there which can also sometimes be a blessing.
posted by jessamyn at 7:57 AM on June 13, 2007

My immediate thought was number one - until I read the last line of your question:

...decline the invitation and wait until I am more secure in my handling of all this nonsense to have big social weekends?

If you're thinking that's an option then maybe you already know the answer. (As joyless and annoying as that might be.) Good luck!
posted by Jofus at 7:59 AM on June 13, 2007

I'd go, and I'd do the first option. Sorry about your potential breakup. I hope the trip does let you take your mind off it for a while.
posted by rmless at 8:07 AM on June 13, 2007

Reading your options, either you are going -- without him -- or you are not going. So first you need to decide whether or not you are going.

How soon do you need to decide this? Ideally, you want to give your friends a prompt reply, but if you can delay a couple days your thinking may clarify.

If you do decide to go, it isn't necessary to volunteer why you are coming by yourself, although you may choose to do so. Since you say they are not really close friends, you're not obliged to share this information unless it makes you feel better. You're the best judge of that.

I know this must be a stressful time. Hang in there.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:10 AM on June 13, 2007

If it were me, I'd go with the first option, and I'd tell them when I got there, so if I was acting moody they'd know not to take it personally. I'm the type who wears her heart on her sleeve, so anyone within a 100 ft radius would know something had happened in my life.
posted by desjardins at 8:22 AM on June 13, 2007

RSVP and let them know in the email that he won't be coming because he's moving out and reassure them everything's fine. They're close enough for you to go stay with them, so why not be honest. Doesn't sound like you're a wreck, and you become adept by practicing.
posted by theora55 at 8:27 AM on June 13, 2007

I'd pick the first one, we don't have an obligation to inform distant friends of our deepest intimate details.

I'd also like to encourage you to go. Perhaps a weekend on your own (with available men around?) will give you some much need perspective on the relationship. Certainly it would be nice to get out of town and put some distance between you and the situation for just a short while. A short vacation can make a world of difference.
posted by oddman at 8:52 AM on June 13, 2007

I think it depends on whether the ours mine was said in jest or they really are your friends. If you've only socialized with them as a couple in the past the answer is very different than if they were once your friends and he just got to visit them with you.

If they were your personal friends, any of the above are options, but if they were couple friends, then 3 is the closest to acceptable. You need to let them know about the break up and decide if they still want to invite you / him / both of you.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:55 AM on June 13, 2007

I would RSVP in the singular, first option. It would probably do you good to have something positive to look forward to (after one of my partners dumped me I loved planning a trip to Japan alone). You don't want to spend that weekend moping around alone thinking about the fun you could have had. And since they are your friends, with loyalty to you, you can speak freely of your partner to them when you are there if you choose. (Almost) Everyone has had their heart broken so if you need to cancel at the last minute becasue you think you might be too mopey your classy friends will understand. You will get through this rough time (two weeks? ouch, that will be awkward!).
posted by saucysault at 9:08 AM on June 13, 2007

I would go (and have gone) with option 1, but anticipate needing to move to option 3. A week or so after wife #1 and I broke up, there was a big company party, to which I RSVPed in the singular. Everyone had to know why the wife wouldn't be coming, and no amount of circumspection would do. I wasn't quite ready to talk about the split, and certainly not to non-close coworkers, but folks are nosy. Be prepared; I was not, and ended up feeling really uncomfortable.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:11 AM on June 13, 2007

Response by poster: There's a lot to consider here, but it's all laid out a lot more coherently than it is in my head, so this is a big help.

He met them through me, although almost all the time I've spent with them has been with him, so they mainly "know" us as a couple. I'd still be welcome to attend without him, I'm sure of it.

I really am looking forward to getting out of the city, but am a little apprehensive at the idea of turning it into a pity party. I'm in that stage where almost every question someone asks me turns in that direction ("What have you been up to lately?" "Oh you know, packing, redecorating, picking up extra shifts at work, etc.") because that really IS everything that's going on. Hopefully by then it won't be the case so much, or I can have a list of prechosen topics drilled into my head just in case.

That's why I thought I SHOULD mention it now, so that they'd be well warned to avoid the subject once I'm there, if they want to. And I hate the idea of showing up with a big revelation. But I do like the idea of keeping options open and playing it by ear, and will probably do that, since I need to get back to them right away with an answer.

Thanks for the well wishes. I feel like I've been a pill lately and have been trying to stay well-behaved on the miscellaneous Filters despite how crappy I feel.
posted by hermitosis at 9:16 AM on June 13, 2007

I hate the idea of showing up with a big revelation.

But, at this point, you don't have a revelation to make. You don't know what is up with your relationship. You would not be dishonest to just say "Oh, Joe couldn't get away, but sends his love." If they care about you both, they might wonder, but if they are adults, they won't do it out loud.
posted by Methylviolet at 9:43 AM on June 13, 2007

I concur that #1 is your best bet, but I'd like to offer you something to definitely not do, based on my experience. (Not that you would, but maybe you need a laugh about now, and you can have this one on me.) Shortly my last breakup, there was a wedding/old friends meetup in a town a few hours from where I live. For reasons that elude me now, my ex and I decided to go together. The friends were mutual, we'd been invited together, some of the people only knew us as a couple. So, we went, and got to tell people over and over that we'd broken up while standing next to each other at a freaking wedding. We realized after the first one that it was a mistake, but then it was too late because the story spread fast.

There's a reason I'm single, and it's mostly because when it comes to relationships, I'm just not smart.
posted by donnagirl at 9:51 AM on June 13, 2007

I would pick number two, but I'm a pretty quiet person anyway and my friends (and family, especially) are used to asking about someone and getting a blank look and a shrug... Anyway, my standard answer would be: "He's OK, I'd rather not talk about it." Look a little mournful (no problems there) and then change the conversation.
posted by anaelith at 10:09 AM on June 13, 2007

However you choose to couch it when you tell your friends, I recommend that you go. Have a fun weekend at a snazzy house among people to whom you don't feel obliged to spill your guts. Don't stay home and mope.
posted by adgnyc at 10:37 AM on June 13, 2007

Ditto option 1, but with one proviso. You should decide, beforehand, if you want to tell people the whole story and if not, how you will respond to "where's such-and-such" questions. Most well-socialized people will get the subtext behind "He couldn't be here" and drop it at that. Other than that, you'll have to play it by ear.
posted by Skorgu at 10:39 AM on June 13, 2007

rsvp and say you're coming solo. when they ask about your bf, just say you decided you needed some weekends to yourself. end of story. if more news arises later in the summer, feel free to share.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:39 AM on June 13, 2007

i agree with all the above who say RSVP solo and explain later. a good friend of ours just went thru a breakup with his live-in gf of 3 years... we threw a combo bbq / get together / birthday party for him and some friends like, only a week or so after this went down. when he rsvp'd he just said he'd be coming alone. at the bbq he quietly mentioned that he and his x had broken up, which was a shock to all of us. we took our cues from his preference to just get on with enjoying the event, gave him condolences and alcohol in proportion to his desire for each, and we all proceeded to have a fun party, all things considered. honestly i felt it was a classy way to handle things. he seems a resilient sort of dude, so ymmv.
posted by lonefrontranger at 12:30 PM on June 13, 2007

Best answer: That's why I thought I SHOULD mention it now, so that they'd be well warned to avoid the subject once I'm there, if they want to. And I hate the idea of showing up with a big revelation. But I do like the idea of keeping options open and playing it by ear, and will probably do that, since I need to get back to them right away with an answer.

Well, yes. After I wrote before I thought about you and wondered if you could bear to be a character in an Ethan Mordden short story or a Terrence McNally play, semi-sort-of-breaking-up, going off to the Pines or the Grove or some fabulous summer place, and then seeing yourself through ensuing dramatics, secrets, and laughter.

That might not happen, but I hope you do go, and that you have a good time and have fun. RSVP without explaining in advance beyond saying that ____ couldn't make it.
posted by Robert Angelo at 12:32 PM on June 13, 2007

Best answer: "I'd love to come, I could use some time with friends. I'll be alone since the home situation has changed."

Really, that's about it. Everyone needs friends every once in a while, and this will drop the message that:
A.) You're going through some personal/relationship problems
B.) You don't want to talk about it and you're using the trip to take a break.

Everyone does this occasionally. If you feel like it was an invitation with the unspoken (or spoken) expectation you'll be there as a couple they could use the heads-up. In addition, they'll know how to approach questions, instead of throwing out a "hey, how come your boyfriend couldn't make it?" first thing in a group conversation.
posted by mikeh at 1:19 PM on June 13, 2007

Response by poster: Okay. I sent a short note RSVP'ing singularly and saying ____ couldn't come, sorry.

Then I got a reply saying "Great! That's too bad about ___, let's plan another weekend soon to make sure we get to see him." And then I realized mikeh was right, that if people didn't know already, he'd be the first thing they asked me about and I'd wind up having the same awkward conversation with every single person.

So I wrote back and gave just the bare minimum of detail letting them know he was moving. AND as a bonus, I totally stole Robert Angelo's line about Mordden and McNally, which they will totally get, and which will show them that I have a sense of humor about the situation. Which I hope to by then :)

Again, it was great to have this to draw from. Thank you AskMe!
posted by hermitosis at 1:59 PM on June 13, 2007