How can I steal someone else's girlfriend?

May 16, 2007 7:30 PM

How can I steal someone else's girlfriend?

I'm giving a speech tomorrow on how to steal girlfriends. Unfortunately, I have no experience with this. Please suggest techniques or things to watch out for. I'm already aware of girlfriendstealer.com, but I'm looking for more esoteric tips that only the hive mind could provide.

posted by jewzilla to human relations (46 comments total)

1. Find out what the boyfriend lacks in the eyes of the girlfriend.

2. Exploit his flaw by being the exact opposite of whatever it is she dislikes about him.

3. Fill her void.

This is a silly question.
posted by ageispolis at 7:44 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Show up at a place where you know she will be with her current BF. Be cooler than him. Break up loudly with a fake GF. Brood alone at a table. Make eye contact quickly with her and produce an embarassed smile before quickly looking away. Step three: Profit.
posted by longsleeves at 7:54 PM on May 16, 2007

You can go for the live forcible kidnap, the lure, or the drug-n-drag. They've all got plusses and minuses; a lot depends on your physical strength and skill with pharmaceuticals. Whatever you do, have plenty of duct tape on hand. Try to avoid areas with lots of people or surveillance cameras.
posted by thirteenkiller at 7:56 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Disclaimer: I do not condone the above method. I don't even go for girls.
posted by longsleeves at 8:00 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

1. Become her "guy friend" that her boyfriend hates. He should definitely distrust you and resent the time she spends with you. (This is vital, as it sets you up as someone she sees as his "rival" and increases the likelihood that you can reach step 2).

2. Wait for a rough patch in their relationship (preferably over an issue that you are somehow involved in) and take her to her preferred bar, nightclub, music venue, or Bible study (last option may prove less effective).

3. Apply alcohol.

4. Make small, romantic move. A brief kiss that lingers is good.

5. Watch relationship fall apart, pick up shattered pieces.

Or tel her you have a huge wang.
posted by Benjy at 8:00 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

The trick here of course is staying away from the Friend Zone. I didn't steal my girlfriend (who ended up being my wife a few years later), but Benjy describes pretty precisely all the steps that happened quickly (except for #3 and boasting of the large wang).
posted by hodyoaten at 8:12 PM on May 16, 2007

There are three primary ways which you can try. Each is fraught with its own danger.

* FIRST WAY: Ok, what you need is a golden apple of discord, marked 'To the Fairest'. Now, this is important: GIVE IT TO APHRODITE. PROS: Get to shoot Achilles in the foot, get to have most beautiful woman in the world. CONS: King Menelaus gets really pissed off at you, city gets invaded, former lover refuses to heal you, you die, brother gets killed.

* SECOND WAY: So, you don't want to piss off the Greeks? Smart. OK, what you need to do is look at the chick you're trying to date. Pour poison into her husband's ear. He's dead! Now you can move in and take the throne of Denmark. PROS: You get to watch a reenactment! CONS: Everybody dies at the end. Including you. Who thought her son would be so emo? Sheesh.

* THIRD WAY: Denounce the man to the government as a traitor, get him thrown into a cell with an old man. In the meantime, you court his wife. PROS: You get a comparatively long period of time with your new hottie. CONS: Ex-boyfriend digs his way out of cell, comes back as Count of Monte Cristo, swears revenge.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:12 PM on May 16, 2007 [120 favorites]

I think there is a thread about this in the tuckermax.com forums.
posted by mhuckaba at 8:15 PM on May 16, 2007

I refer to my post. 13klr: tee hee
posted by longsleeves at 8:19 PM on May 16, 2007

You can only steal a girl who wants to be stolen (unless you go for longsleeve's approach of course). We do have minds of our own after all.

People are giving you ways of hopefully making her want to be stolen but they're not going to work for many girlfriends. If she has a secure happy relationship she's not gonna care how great you supposedly are and your machinations just aren't gonna work. Being in a committed relationship means deciding to stop looking for something better and focus on and enjoy what's already there.

So my first tip would be to find someone waiting to be stolen. A girl keeping an eye out for something better, a relationship that allows drama to intervene, a girl that's less than secure with her man or possibly with low self esteem. Generally a relationship that's probably doomed anyway. Then you've got a chance and all this other stuff may register.
posted by shelleycat at 8:27 PM on May 16, 2007

Shit, that parenthesis should have been referring to thirteenkiller's comment, not longsleeves'. Sorry.
posted by shelleycat at 8:28 PM on May 16, 2007

research at tuckermax.com
posted by thilmony at 8:41 PM on May 16, 2007

Benjyy is on the right track, but he leaves out a few vitals:

• Once you have waited for the "rough spot" and gotten your quarry off alone somewhere, be sure to be an extra good listener. Empathize and commiserate. Relate to her a situation where you've had similar feelings, so that she knows you understand her on a deeper level.
  
  
• Be sure to paint her current beau in less than flattering terms while making yourself look more attractive and highlighting anything you can think of that shows mutual interests. You can always just make shit up. Truth matters not here. Isn't it grand that you've both always dreamed of climbing Machu Picchu? Just be sure to look up exactly where that is before your next conversation with her. To get extra points, and showcase just how erudite you are, why not go that extra step and look up some history and interesting trivia about it, too? Mention it later, casually, as though it were common knowledge that any well-heeled individual should know. What, her loser paramour doesn't know such things? Tsk...he needs to get out more.
  
  
• Once all of your prior insidious machinations are taking effect, her relationship is in shambles, and you are her "confidant," then it's time to step things up a bit. Make it plain to her just how long you have secretly basked in her glow from afar, not daring to encroach on her relationship out of respect for both her and her soon-to-be-ex man. But that's just testament to the strength of your feeling is it not? True love is patient, is it not?
  
  
• Music is also good to get inside her heart, head, and underpants! (And let's be completely honest here, that's really all you want, isn't it?) Make her CD's, tapes, or simply lists of songs that remind you of her. Tell her that hearing any of them completely brightens your day. Bonus points if you include in this list a few songs that her boyfriend likes and listens to regularly. She's bound to hear them when out with him then, and it will make her think of you instead -- remember, this is war!

There are several other things you can add in, but you get the idea... and this should get you started.
posted by kaseijin at 8:43 PM on May 16, 2007

Option 1. Beat the dude up in front of his girlfriend (bonus points if you say it was for treating her badly; but badass points if you say it was cuz you felt like it). This will be really funny if you're not that big/strong. Given your listed occupation of "dork", I assume this will be hilarious.

Option 2. More in keeping with the "dork" thing, and assuming you're in college, how about this. Enlist a hot female friend to leave a Facebook wall post for Dude. (Or hack her account to do same.) Make sure it's hot, steamy and mysterious, and mentions the great time they had together. Then make sure Dude's girlfriend sees it and you're there to comfort her.

I promise I have not done this.
posted by SuperNova at 8:51 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Benjy has it.
posted by conch soup at 8:59 PM on May 16, 2007

I say: don't. Because if you succeed and it doesn't work out, she idealizes the relationship you ruined and never speaks to you again. If you fail, you look like the jackass of the universe. Either way, you're basically signing yourself up for some shit karma and possibly a ferocious maiming.

Remain pals and live your own life, if she decides she digs you, it will be because you're an interesting person who does not feel inclined to shadily attempt cleaving her relationships in half.
posted by Lieber Frau at 9:06 PM on May 16, 2007

You could make an indecent proposal.
posted by tellurian at 9:06 PM on May 16, 2007

Place your penis in her vagina. After that, it's pretty much all downhill for her relationship with her boyfriend. Repeat as neessary.
posted by klangklangston at 9:12 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Stealing a human being someone else owns is a capital offense in several states, particularly if the person is stolen to be "converted to one's own use." If you intended to have sex with the girlfriend, for example, that statute would probably apply. State v Hawkins, 8 Porter 461 (1839) Moreover, the statue of limitations that would otherwise apply to theft of property of comparable value is not valid in these cases. Prince v State, 3 Stewart and Porter 253 (1833)

All in all, if you can get the owner to voluntarily relinquish the girlfriend, that would probably be your best bet. Since her utility to her owner is sexual, perhaps if you made her less attractive to him, he would agree to sell her to you, or even set her free. Acid or razor damage to the face are popular methods -- though, of course, they may diminish her utility to you. YMMV. Good luck!
posted by Methylviolet at 9:19 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

First, you become her confident, being "there for" her when her boyfriend isn't.

Next, tell her that you'll kill her boyfriend if she doesn't break up with him.

Lastly, gloat to her boyfriend about how you "fulfill her needs" when he doesn't.
posted by Many bubbles at 9:23 PM on May 16, 2007

Be the Fonz.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 9:25 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Benjy's pretty good. FYI, though I've failed to pull it off before.

I guess the big point is your personal style, because this depends a lot on your personality and the personality of whoever you're going for. I know that I have a much slower, subtler style -- so the whole becoming the friend that her boyfriend isn't but just daring/confident enough to make sure she knows that she actually loves me and not whoever her boyfriend is -- that HAS worked for me. You have to have the confidence to project the knowledge of her love for you on to her, and it takes a lot of consistency and patience to pull off. One misstep and the illusion dissipates like so much smoke.

If you've got a more daring/partyboy attitude, just get her drunk/roofied all to heck and follow klang's advice.

If you've got more of a fight club attitude, go for the "beat him up and make him cry like a nancy-boy" thing.
posted by SpecialK at 9:31 PM on May 16, 2007

o gosh, some real amateurs have weighed in.

use an oblique approach. ignore her boyfriend. and for the moment ignore the girl you want to steal. instead, go for her girlfriend.

make her girlfriend interested in you, but dont commit to her. be dreamy, ideal, available.

women become interested in men that other women are interested in. this is a known fact.

her friend will of course confide in the girl you want to steal. she will paint a picture of you based on what you impart to her. take care that she positively idealises you. this will make you attractive in the eyes of her friend, the girl you want to steal.

the goal is to generate interest and something more powerful-- competition. once this dynamic gets going, the the rest is easy and the boyfriend has no chance.
posted by subatomiczoo at 9:47 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Read up on the "sexy-son hypothesis" that offers up a biological explanation to why women cheat on their spouses and fall for the "bad boys" that would otherwise make for terrible partners.
posted by frogan at 9:48 PM on May 16, 2007

subatomiczoo has got it. The indirect approach wins!
posted by Ironmouth at 10:06 PM on May 16, 2007

Buy him a Zune. Use an iPod.
posted by justgary at 10:23 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

be funnier, sexier and richer than her current bf.
two out of three is probably enough.
one out of three puts you in the game, but probably not enough.
posted by bruce at 10:24 PM on May 16, 2007

Place your penis in her vagina. After that, it's pretty much all downhill for her relationship with her boyfriend. Repeat as neessary.

Klangklangston, isn't this just a dupe of ageispolis's suggestion 3. Fill her void?
posted by davejay at 10:27 PM on May 16, 2007

Go for the easy kill and target a woman whose boyfriend just went off to college in another town or got transferred to an office hours and hours away. Be a good friend. Take her out to the movies in that capacity and initiate long conversations and listen to her woes. Wait about three months. Make your move. Ideally, you should time it around a major holiday.

For more information on this topic, walk up to a random woman and say, "My speech is due tomorrow and my topic is theft of girlfriends. What would it take to woo you away from your man and/or woman?" Answers will range from a fist in your face to an offer to shack up with you immediately. Try this where some drinking has been going on.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 10:40 PM on May 16, 2007

be funnier, sexier and richer than her current bf.
two out of three is probably enough.
one out of three puts you in the game, but probably not enough.

Unless it's the 'be richer' part and your target is in her prime child-bearing years. Now, it's not that all women are greedy or mercenary, it's just that innate thing about connecting sex with reproduction and desiring a good provider for her and her brood for 25 or 30 years... So, ah - is this answer dumb enough for the question?

women become interested in men that other women are interested in. this is a known fact.

Nothing more true has ever been said on MeFi. There's nothing like word of mouth when it comes to attracting girlfriends.
posted by scheptech at 10:58 PM on May 16, 2007

women become interested in men that other women are interested in. this is a known fact.

Nothing more true has ever been said on MeFi.

OK, here's something truer: women become interested in men that other attractive women are interested in.

For this reason, do whatever you can to ensure that you are on good terms with every single hottie you possibly can manage. Old flames, friends, office colleagues, partners of friends from outside her circle, staff at your regular cafes, restaurants or bars - every one of these that you are seen with or are seen to be familiar with will increase her curiosity & competitive urge.

They don't need to be interested in you, either, because you can be vague & aloof about your relationship with them, but just the fact that you associate with such hypercuties can put you in that league, from her point of view.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:14 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

ensure that you are on good terms with every single hottie you possibly can manage.

Oh, PS: but remember to balance these with one or two of the ugliest girls you can find, who are introduced as your bestest friends ever (with suitable ambiguity hinting at a past relationship with you). Otherwise you run the risk of appearing shallow.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:22 PM on May 16, 2007

Kill the boyfriend. Make it look tragic and accidental. Comfort girlfriend and use her fragile emotional state to get into her pants/heart.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:32 AM on May 17, 2007

Become friendly with her boyfriend. Talk about her, find out her likes and dislikes. After you've had sex with him you can use blackmail to get her.
posted by Elmore at 3:51 AM on May 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

[a few comments removed -- I know you guys did not forget where metatalk was, right?]
posted by jessamyn at 6:31 AM on May 17, 2007

"Klangklangston, isn't this just a dupe of ageispolis's suggestion 3. Fill her void?"

I thought he meant that like Dave Sim.

Also, the Figgs song "Girl, Kill Your Boyfriend" has some advice.
posted by klangklangston at 6:31 AM on May 17, 2007

If someone truely feels the need to steel someone else's girlfriend to make up for their own inadequacies then I think that is a pretty bad state of affairs

Well, he didn't say anything about doing it to make up for his inadequacies, maybe he just wants to fuck her?
posted by atrazine at 6:44 AM on May 17, 2007

Atrazine: Dont be absurd. Like rape, it is nothing to do with sex or lust, it's to do with power. Hence the inadequacy. Anyway, good karma/bad karma - if someone thinks they can steal someone else's gf consequence free they are deluded.
posted by numberstation at 6:48 AM on May 17, 2007

Traquilizer gun.
posted by LordSludge at 6:51 AM on May 17, 2007

[it's at metatalk.metafilter.com]
posted by jessamyn at 7:06 AM on May 17, 2007 [4 favorites]

Well yes you could try ALL of that. But if you were feeling lazy you could simply tell him that you are going to fuck her. Obviously some situations may require you to be a little atrful but the message is the same and it is that simple. And then all you need do now is sit back and wait.

He will be jealous and relentlessly suspicious constantly accusing her of it. After getting rather jack of explaining herself 24-7 she will decide fuck it, I've paid for it already so I may as well.

If you wanted to be clever you could play an 'innocent' hand in it all but it's not necessary. Only if one wanted to be particularly spiteful about it.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 7:10 AM on May 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hi there, I am a girl. You are not going to steal me unless I want to be stolen. If I want to be stolen I may possibly walk out on my own two feet! It's amazing! You might not even have to club me over the head and drag me to your cave while he's not watching - if I want to be stolen. If I don't, well, sucks to be you. You have to sleep sometime and I have a sharp little stone knife.

And guess what? If I want to be stolen I'll probably let you know. When we're all sitting around the fire banging the rocks together and knocking back the fermented brontosaurus milk, who am I sitting next to? Who am I talking to? Who's making me giggle? If it's consistently you and not him, than you have a chance. Make me giggle some more - put that bone in your nose; I like that. Listen to me and tell me you like the way I chew skins. Maybe I'll come over to your cave for a visit.

But if I'm sitting there next to him and laughing at the way he throws those bones, then you better just give it up. Sorry about that. There's another girl in the cave down the river and her boyfriend just got eaten by a sabretooth - how about you go show her the flint points you just made?
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:05 AM on May 17, 2007 [9 favorites]

I don't think Axe works as well as the commercials seem to lead one to believe.

Just sayin'.
posted by SentientAI at 9:17 AM on May 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the advice...I think the takeaway is to try not to seem as sexist as I did in my question.
posted by jewzilla at 10:15 AM on May 17, 2007

so what do you do?
oh yeah i like music too no i havent heard your band cos you guys are pretty new but if you dig on vegan food come on over to my place and i'll have them cook you something that you really love cos i like you.

sorry, made me think of that. I love that song.
posted by daveyt at 5:54 AM on May 18, 2007

Damn. I really, really wish that mygothlaundry wanted do sit next to me and toss back some fermented brontosaurus milk together.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:34 PM on May 22, 2007