I'm in love with a man but I can't work out whether he has feelings for me or not!
May 9, 2007 6:48 AM Subscribe
I had a short but serious relationship with someone I'd been friends with for a while, and with whom I was in love with. Now I'm not sure if he still cares for me - even though I know nothing that prevented our relationship from working out has changed yet, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. Much Much More Inside
About a year ago, I made friends with the drummer of one of my favourite local bands here in Melbourne. I'd seen them quite a few times by that stage and my best friend had a major crush on the drummer, Wally, and had become really good friends with the guitarist Kris.
We hung out with them in the studio, and Wally (whom I'd been communicating with slightly via myspace) mentioned noticing comments from Talia to me about a boy I'd been casually seeing, and asked if I was dating him. We sat next to each other and chatted the whole night, and read the paper together, and were the only sober ones in the room. We'd communicate with a glance as we tried to hide a very drunken Talia's wine glass from her. I realised I was attracted to him and had my first suspicion that he had a thing for me.
skip a few months where our friendship had developed, and I ended up catching up with him and spending the day with him in one of the most romantic areas near Melbourne. We had fish and chips on the cliff top, walked down the pier, discussed everything under the sun, and both commented on how completely comfortable we felt with each other, that neither of us even felt the need to say anything for long periods of time, not because we had nothing to say, but because we didn't need to talk to say it.
I realised that day that I was in love for the first time, as opposed to having a crush.
at around the time I met him his second solo album came out, and he started to get big. then bigger. then bigger. then huge, and lets just say he was in the top 10 of Triple J's hottest 100 - a radio survey where people vote for their favorite songs.
I knew he liked my company, had heard from a friend that he loved spending time with me, thought the world of me, and that if he could be in a relationship he'd be in one with me.
and then in december last year we finally hooked up. he leaned over and kissed me while we were watching a movie together, and I couldn't have been happier.
Except less than a week after that (and seeing each other a few more times) he calls up and says he just can't be in a relationship at the moment. His career is what he needs to concentrate, and he can't dedicate time to a serious relationship while his career is just taking off.
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.
so we go back to being friends, and I try to hide my heartbreak.
In feb I turn up to one of the bands shows - the band isn't as well known as his solo stuff - and i turn around to see him kissing a girl, who I later find out he's been seeing for a couple of weeks.
I message him and tell him I feel like I was fed a line, and he calls back a week later to apologise, and tells me that everything he told me was the truth. that this girl lives on the other side of the country and the reason that he's pursued something with her is that he doesn't feel that it will develop into anything serious at this stage, and it's a kind of escapism. She's not just random sex, but he's not interested in a long term affair with her at this stage. he just wants to concentrate on his music and his work.
I wrote to him a few months after that, since I'd pretty much cut off all contact after I found out about the girl, and wanted him to know why I kept cancelling on invitations, and I was sick of pretending that I was fine with things. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, that I was in love with him, the things I love about him, and told him I understood his position, and was trying to move on, but needed him to know.
I didn't get much of a response - but then I wasn't expecting to. He did write back that he thought my letter was beautiful and that it made him sad, and he thought it deserved more of a response.
We arranged to catch up for breakfast the next week, but in the meantime my kitten was suddenly killed, so our catch up consisted of me crying my eyes out on him, and him sitting there looking at me with his arm around me, while I sat there trying to hold the pain and tears in.
The next week I turned up to one of the bands gigs with a group of friends, and saw him there with the girl, and when he saw me the look on his face was one of pure horror.
So to cut a huge story short, (so sorry!) I know he likes me as a friend, but some of the signals I think I've received make me wonder if he cares more about me than just as someone he had a fling with once. But is this just my rampant imagination?
will knowing that he cares help me to move on?
Is it just a timing thing, or am I just a ridiculous hopeless romantic to think that there could be something in the future?
I don't believe in "The One", I believe in "The Ones", and although he is "One" if it doesn't work out with him there will be other "Ones" in the future... but I don't want to potentially lose out on something amazing I could have with him.
Is this naive and stupid of me?
About a year ago, I made friends with the drummer of one of my favourite local bands here in Melbourne. I'd seen them quite a few times by that stage and my best friend had a major crush on the drummer, Wally, and had become really good friends with the guitarist Kris.
We hung out with them in the studio, and Wally (whom I'd been communicating with slightly via myspace) mentioned noticing comments from Talia to me about a boy I'd been casually seeing, and asked if I was dating him. We sat next to each other and chatted the whole night, and read the paper together, and were the only sober ones in the room. We'd communicate with a glance as we tried to hide a very drunken Talia's wine glass from her. I realised I was attracted to him and had my first suspicion that he had a thing for me.
skip a few months where our friendship had developed, and I ended up catching up with him and spending the day with him in one of the most romantic areas near Melbourne. We had fish and chips on the cliff top, walked down the pier, discussed everything under the sun, and both commented on how completely comfortable we felt with each other, that neither of us even felt the need to say anything for long periods of time, not because we had nothing to say, but because we didn't need to talk to say it.
I realised that day that I was in love for the first time, as opposed to having a crush.
at around the time I met him his second solo album came out, and he started to get big. then bigger. then bigger. then huge, and lets just say he was in the top 10 of Triple J's hottest 100 - a radio survey where people vote for their favorite songs.
I knew he liked my company, had heard from a friend that he loved spending time with me, thought the world of me, and that if he could be in a relationship he'd be in one with me.
and then in december last year we finally hooked up. he leaned over and kissed me while we were watching a movie together, and I couldn't have been happier.
Except less than a week after that (and seeing each other a few more times) he calls up and says he just can't be in a relationship at the moment. His career is what he needs to concentrate, and he can't dedicate time to a serious relationship while his career is just taking off.
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.
so we go back to being friends, and I try to hide my heartbreak.
In feb I turn up to one of the bands shows - the band isn't as well known as his solo stuff - and i turn around to see him kissing a girl, who I later find out he's been seeing for a couple of weeks.
I message him and tell him I feel like I was fed a line, and he calls back a week later to apologise, and tells me that everything he told me was the truth. that this girl lives on the other side of the country and the reason that he's pursued something with her is that he doesn't feel that it will develop into anything serious at this stage, and it's a kind of escapism. She's not just random sex, but he's not interested in a long term affair with her at this stage. he just wants to concentrate on his music and his work.
I wrote to him a few months after that, since I'd pretty much cut off all contact after I found out about the girl, and wanted him to know why I kept cancelling on invitations, and I was sick of pretending that I was fine with things. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, that I was in love with him, the things I love about him, and told him I understood his position, and was trying to move on, but needed him to know.
I didn't get much of a response - but then I wasn't expecting to. He did write back that he thought my letter was beautiful and that it made him sad, and he thought it deserved more of a response.
We arranged to catch up for breakfast the next week, but in the meantime my kitten was suddenly killed, so our catch up consisted of me crying my eyes out on him, and him sitting there looking at me with his arm around me, while I sat there trying to hold the pain and tears in.
The next week I turned up to one of the bands gigs with a group of friends, and saw him there with the girl, and when he saw me the look on his face was one of pure horror.
So to cut a huge story short, (so sorry!) I know he likes me as a friend, but some of the signals I think I've received make me wonder if he cares more about me than just as someone he had a fling with once. But is this just my rampant imagination?
will knowing that he cares help me to move on?
Is it just a timing thing, or am I just a ridiculous hopeless romantic to think that there could be something in the future?
I don't believe in "The One", I believe in "The Ones", and although he is "One" if it doesn't work out with him there will be other "Ones" in the future... but I don't want to potentially lose out on something amazing I could have with him.
Is this naive and stupid of me?
Is this naive and stupid of me?
Yeah, I think so. Everything he has communicated to you, in words, in writing, in actions, says that he is not interested in a relationship with you. That means that he is not interested in a relationship with you. It doesn't really matter why, or whether he's being truthful, he's just not interested, and I don't think any optimistic parsing of his words or actions is gong to change that.
posted by robinpME at 7:15 AM on May 9, 2007
Yeah, I think so. Everything he has communicated to you, in words, in writing, in actions, says that he is not interested in a relationship with you. That means that he is not interested in a relationship with you. It doesn't really matter why, or whether he's being truthful, he's just not interested, and I don't think any optimistic parsing of his words or actions is gong to change that.
posted by robinpME at 7:15 AM on May 9, 2007
I don't think he's offering anything as amazing as you've convinced yourself it is. Which is fine, that's what humans do, but you need to start disengaging yourself. He doesn't want to be with you, which is a perfectly good reason - for now - for you to not want to be with him. You'll catch up to all the other reasons later with some perspective.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 AM on May 9, 2007
posted by Lyn Never at 7:36 AM on May 9, 2007
Response by poster: Yeah, I know a relationship is definitely out for the near future, and I'm trying to move on actively. I guess it's just a matter of pride: hoping that he does care, even though it doesn't change anything, because then I won't feel so much of a loser about it all...
As opposed to me blindly hanging on for the hope that he'll drop everything and run into my arms and we'll disappear into the sunset.
Which certainly isn't the case.
I know nothing material would change by his having feelings for me... don't know why it matters to me.
posted by jonathanstrange at 7:41 AM on May 9, 2007
As opposed to me blindly hanging on for the hope that he'll drop everything and run into my arms and we'll disappear into the sunset.
Which certainly isn't the case.
I know nothing material would change by his having feelings for me... don't know why it matters to me.
posted by jonathanstrange at 7:41 AM on May 9, 2007
As someone who's been tangled up with a few musicians in her day, I can definitely empathize with how crappy your situation is. They seem to be really good at saying one thing and doing another and leaving us totally confused!
My advice is to lie low, let him figure out what he's missing on his own. It's like that cheezy saying, if you love someone, let him go, if he comes back he's yours, and if he doesn't, then he was never yours to begin with. He DOES need to be selfish now and in a way I commend him for telling you that instead of dragging you along and making you think one thing and showing you another (even though he's already done that a little bit).
So you probably don't want to be with someone who wouldn't be able to put you in his list of priorities anyway!
In a nutshell, distract yourself and remind yourself that HE'S the one missing out. He'll figure it out sooner or later. You did all you could. And hey, you've gotten to experience being in love for the first time, and that's something you'll never regret.
posted by slyboots421 at 7:47 AM on May 9, 2007
My advice is to lie low, let him figure out what he's missing on his own. It's like that cheezy saying, if you love someone, let him go, if he comes back he's yours, and if he doesn't, then he was never yours to begin with. He DOES need to be selfish now and in a way I commend him for telling you that instead of dragging you along and making you think one thing and showing you another (even though he's already done that a little bit).
So you probably don't want to be with someone who wouldn't be able to put you in his list of priorities anyway!
In a nutshell, distract yourself and remind yourself that HE'S the one missing out. He'll figure it out sooner or later. You did all you could. And hey, you've gotten to experience being in love for the first time, and that's something you'll never regret.
posted by slyboots421 at 7:47 AM on May 9, 2007
This is the plotline of a million teen movies and sitcoms. This dude's in a band that's taking off, he's got girls crawling all over him, and he's living that lifestyle.
It's possible that he sees you as better than the groupies he hooks up with, but don't delude yourself into thinking that you're the one he's going to come back to at the end of the day. You're more useful to him as an idea than a reality. Move on. This will not end any way other than more heartbreak for you.
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.
Yeah, did he tell you that? That's a great line. Does he have to get off the phone so he can call his mom?
posted by mkultra at 7:56 AM on May 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
It's possible that he sees you as better than the groupies he hooks up with, but don't delude yourself into thinking that you're the one he's going to come back to at the end of the day. You're more useful to him as an idea than a reality. Move on. This will not end any way other than more heartbreak for you.
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.
Yeah, did he tell you that? That's a great line. Does he have to get off the phone so he can call his mom?
posted by mkultra at 7:56 AM on May 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
You can do better. That's what you can take pride in. Don't worry about whether he respects you - he obviously has bad judgment if he chose not to be with you, right? So who cares what he thinks about you. His loss. Chin up - lots of better fish in the sea.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:12 AM on May 9, 2007
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:12 AM on May 9, 2007
I guess it's just a matter of pride: hoping that he does care, even though it doesn't change anything, because then I won't feel so much of a loser about it all...
Him acting like a jerk (or if that's too strong of a word, maybe just a fool) does not make you a loser. It's not you, it's him. You offered him wonderful qualities, great companionship, and he turned it down. That makes him the loser. Your wonderfulness is not affected by whether or not he recognizes it.
I have had an ex-boyfriend make comments that he didn't realize what he had with me when they had it. But what good does that do? By the time he recognizes something like that, you've both long since moved on. It didn't really make me feel any better knowing it.
posted by misskaz at 8:15 AM on May 9, 2007
Him acting like a jerk (or if that's too strong of a word, maybe just a fool) does not make you a loser. It's not you, it's him. You offered him wonderful qualities, great companionship, and he turned it down. That makes him the loser. Your wonderfulness is not affected by whether or not he recognizes it.
I have had an ex-boyfriend make comments that he didn't realize what he had with me when they had it. But what good does that do? By the time he recognizes something like that, you've both long since moved on. It didn't really make me feel any better knowing it.
posted by misskaz at 8:15 AM on May 9, 2007
didn't realize what he had with me when HE had it, sorry.
posted by misskaz at 8:16 AM on May 9, 2007
posted by misskaz at 8:16 AM on May 9, 2007
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex
except for the "not random" sex he is having with the girl he is "not interested in"
and although it's not entirely clear, it sound like you may have had sex with this guy -- who does not believe in casual sex -- but who you were not dating, which sounds a lot like casual sex to me.
posted by probablysteve at 10:43 AM on May 9, 2007
except for the "not random" sex he is having with the girl he is "not interested in"
and although it's not entirely clear, it sound like you may have had sex with this guy -- who does not believe in casual sex -- but who you were not dating, which sounds a lot like casual sex to me.
posted by probablysteve at 10:43 AM on May 9, 2007
I am not reading any of these signals you said. You hooked up months ago. You told him you were in love with him, and he sent you a polite and terse note back indicating in so many words he could not give you what you were looking for. He offered the minimum amount of comfort one could offer someone when something traumatic happens to them. And when he saw you while he was with his girl his look was of horror. I have never had someone who loved me look at me with horror if I surprised them.
posted by Anonymous at 10:59 AM on May 9, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 10:59 AM on May 9, 2007
My rule for this sort of thing is: follow the advice that would give a friend who was telling you this same story. "Yes, but this is different--" No. No, it is not. Everyone in this type of situation wants to believe that their heartache is unique and that the guy/girl/goat in question really means well, and here are the extenuating circumstances, and et cetera. There's no reason why you shouldn't do exactly what you would urge your friends to do with their errant erstwhile swains. And I'm pretty certain that their advice would be "Girl, move on."
posted by Midnight Creeper at 12:52 PM on May 9, 2007
posted by Midnight Creeper at 12:52 PM on May 9, 2007
What is up with musicians. Same story. Took me three years and no communication to get over it. We're just starting to be friends again.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 1:56 PM on May 9, 2007
posted by thebrokenmuse at 1:56 PM on May 9, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice. not what I *wanted* to hear, but what I needed to hear.
I am moving on, slowly slowly, but it's hard letting go.
But you're right - stuff him. I'm an attractive intelligent kind-hearted empathetic woman, and as I've said, I don't believe in "The ONE".
I'll move on, and meet someone who can be in a relationship with me, and is there for me when I need it.
posted by jonathanstrange at 6:06 PM on May 9, 2007
I am moving on, slowly slowly, but it's hard letting go.
But you're right - stuff him. I'm an attractive intelligent kind-hearted empathetic woman, and as I've said, I don't believe in "The ONE".
I'll move on, and meet someone who can be in a relationship with me, and is there for me when I need it.
posted by jonathanstrange at 6:06 PM on May 9, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
So here's my advice based solely on my experience: you need to move on. It's obvious from Wally's actions that he doesn't care for you and probably did feed you a line. Almost all the guys I know will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear in order to avoid a "scene" of any kind. It won't be easy and this person will occupy much brain activity but you have to. When you find yourself thinking about him, move on to think of something else. In the beginning you'll have to force it but it gets easier in time. Joina club, take a course, learn a new hobby, anything to keep you occupied. You'll get over this in time and find a boy that really does want you to be a part of his life. I'm sorry that you're in this situation (it really sucks, boy-howdy does it suck) and very sorry about your kitten (possibly one of the suckiest things that could happen to you right now). Chin up, the sun will still shine.
posted by LunaticFringe at 7:13 AM on May 9, 2007