I had a short but serious relationship with someone I'd been friends with for a while, and with whom I was in love with. Now I'm not sure if he still cares for me - even though I know nothing that prevented our relationship from working out has changed yet, or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. Much Much More Inside
About a year ago, I made friends with the drummer of one of my favourite local bands here in Melbourne. I'd seen them quite a few times by that stage and my best friend had a major crush on the drummer, Wally, and had become really good friends with the guitarist Kris.
We hung out with them in the studio, and Wally (whom I'd been communicating with slightly via myspace) mentioned noticing comments from Talia to me about a boy I'd been casually seeing, and asked if I was dating him. We sat next to each other and chatted the whole night, and read the paper together, and were the only sober ones in the room. We'd communicate with a glance as we tried to hide a very drunken Talia's wine glass from her. I realised I was attracted to him and had my first suspicion that he had a thing for me.
skip a few months where our friendship had developed, and I ended up catching up with him and spending the day with him in one of the most romantic areas near Melbourne. We had fish and chips on the cliff top, walked down the pier, discussed everything under the sun, and both commented on how completely comfortable we felt with each other, that neither of us even felt the need to say anything for long periods of time, not because we had nothing to say, but because we didn't need to talk to say it.
I realised that day that I was in love for the first time, as opposed to having a crush.
at around the time I met him his second solo album came out, and he started to get big. then bigger. then bigger. then huge, and lets just say he was in the top 10 of Triple J's hottest 100 - a radio survey where people vote for their favorite songs.
I knew he liked my company, had heard from a friend that he loved spending time with me, thought the world of me, and that if he could be in a relationship he'd be in one with me.
and then in december last year we finally hooked up. he leaned over and kissed me while we were watching a movie together, and I couldn't have been happier.
Except less than a week after that (and seeing each other a few more times) he calls up and says he just can't be in a relationship at the moment. His career is what he needs to concentrate, and he can't dedicate time to a serious relationship while his career is just taking off.
I should point out at this point that Wally is someone who doesn't take sex lightly - he doesn't believe in casual sex. At all.
so we go back to being friends, and I try to hide my heartbreak.
In feb I turn up to one of the bands shows - the band isn't as well known as his solo stuff - and i turn around to see him kissing a girl, who I later find out he's been seeing for a couple of weeks.
I message him and tell him I feel like I was fed a line, and he calls back a week later to apologise, and tells me that everything he told me was the truth. that this girl lives on the other side of the country and the reason that he's pursued something with her is that he doesn't feel that it will develop into anything serious at this stage, and it's a kind of escapism. She's not just random sex, but he's not interested in a long term affair with her at this stage. he just wants to concentrate on his music and his work.
I wrote to him a few months after that, since I'd pretty much cut off all contact after I found out about the girl, and wanted him to know why I kept cancelling on invitations, and I was sick of pretending that I was fine with things. So I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, that I was in love with him, the things I love about him, and told him I understood his position, and was trying to move on, but needed him to know.
I didn't get much of a response - but then I wasn't expecting to. He did write back that he thought my letter was beautiful and that it made him sad, and he thought it deserved more of a response.
We arranged to catch up for breakfast the next week, but in the meantime my kitten was suddenly killed, so our catch up consisted of me crying my eyes out on him, and him sitting there looking at me with his arm around me, while I sat there trying to hold the pain and tears in.
The next week I turned up to one of the bands gigs with a group of friends, and saw him there with the girl, and when he saw me the look on his face was one of pure horror.
So to cut a huge story short, (so sorry!) I know he likes me as a friend, but some of the signals I think I've received make me wonder if he cares more about me than just as someone he had a fling with once. But is this just my rampant imagination?
will knowing that he cares help me to move on?
Is it just a timing thing, or am I just a ridiculous hopeless romantic to think that there could be something in the future?
I don't believe in "The One", I believe in "The Ones", and although he is "One" if it doesn't work out with him there will be other "Ones" in the future... but I don't want to potentially lose out on something amazing I could have with him.
Is this naive and stupid of me?
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So here's my advice based solely on my experience: you need to move on. It's obvious from Wally's actions that he doesn't care for you and probably did feed you a line. Almost all the guys I know will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear in order to avoid a "scene" of any kind. It won't be easy and this person will occupy much brain activity but you have to. When you find yourself thinking about him, move on to think of something else. In the beginning you'll have to force it but it gets easier in time. Joina club, take a course, learn a new hobby, anything to keep you occupied. You'll get over this in time and find a boy that really does want you to be a part of his life. I'm sorry that you're in this situation (it really sucks, boy-howdy does it suck) and very sorry about your kitten (possibly one of the suckiest things that could happen to you right now). Chin up, the sun will still shine.
posted by LunaticFringe at 7:13 AM on May 9, 2007