overcoming fear of loss
May 1, 2007 6:48 AM Subscribe
How can I overcome fear of losing someone?
posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
My fear is not based on emotional separation. I am not afraid of being broken hearted, being rejected, or breaking up with someone. My fear is rather based on losing someone to an accident, or a disease - basically, death.
This comes from my experience in losing an ex-boyfriend to a medical condition over 10 years ago, and this was quite a traumatic experience for me - after losing him, I repetitively dated people I knew I would not fall in love with. About a year ago, I got tired of my behavior and decided to stay completely single until 1) I was ready to date again and 2) I find someone that I actually really like.
The measurement of "being ready to date again" is a tricky one - one may feel ready only to find not so the next day. But whether I was ready or not, 2) came along in my life about 2 months ago.
I am crazy about this boy, and what's developing between us is nothing but joy...except, my fear.
As I started to realize we were falling for each other, my fear of losing him to some accident started to occur frequently.
I have explained to him about my past and he is very understanding of it, but my fear is often so irrational that I am started to get bothered by it.
Some examples of such occurrence are:
1) He was flying to Boston to attend a wedding. A few days before his travel, he joked about how the plane could crash. This idea basically mortified me to a point I could not talk for several minutes while he apologized repetitively, which I was not even listening to because I was so frozen and afraid.
2) Above travel led to him promising to send me a text message as soon as he landed and was allowed to use cellphone. I stayed home and checked online flight status/map obsessively to ensure that his flights to and from were okay.
3) His work gets busy and he has to pull an all-nighter. After that, he has to go to a band practice. He rides a bicycle. I begged him to walk or use public transportation to get to the practice space.
4) He shows me his hand for palm reading. I realize his life line is not very long. I become mortified even though I usually do not believe in palm reading at all.
My fear is not based on complete irrational ideas - planes crash and people with little sleep tend to be spaced out that they should not operate machinery. But my problem is the level of fear I feel and how it affects me - when I get an idea that scares me, I cannot think or speak, and I am completely frozen and mortified until I can snap out of it. And while he is understanding and says he is "flattered (that I'm so worried)", I know he finds my fear a little peculiar and a little illogical. And the worst part is this fear is stopping me from really falling in love - I cannot just let it happen.
The silly part is, whether my fear is stopping me from falling in love or not, the direction is heading that way and one day I will have to choose to let my fear go or let my fear take a better part of me. I want to let my fear go and really do want to fall in love, with him, together.
I know seeing a therapist is one way of overcoming this, but I am wondering if there are any suggestions or resources I can follow first.
I have been looking around online, but I have not had much luck. If there is any suggestions or someone with similar experiences, I would love to hear them.