Can I date a 16 year old?
April 7, 2007 10:55 AM Subscribe
I'm 19 years old, there is a girl that I've been talking to that's 16. Is this an overall bad situation?
I live in GA and I know the age of consent is 16. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try and sleep with her or anything. But I just want to make sure there is no way I could get myself into any legal trouble by breaking any laws etc..
I live in GA and I know the age of consent is 16. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try and sleep with her or anything. But I just want to make sure there is no way I could get myself into any legal trouble by breaking any laws etc..
If you're not going to "go out and try to sleep with her or anything [assuming 'anything' means sexual contact]" I'm not sure what the problem could be. Do you think it's unlawful for nineteen year olds to talk to sixteen year olds? That cannot be the case.
Now, if you're saying you're not going to try to sleep with her, but you might nonetheless sleep with her, that's a different story ...
posted by jayder at 11:04 AM on April 7, 2007
Now, if you're saying you're not going to try to sleep with her, but you might nonetheless sleep with her, that's a different story ...
posted by jayder at 11:04 AM on April 7, 2007
Remember the "Is It Creepy?" algorithm:
(Your Age / 2) + 7 = the age of girls it's ok to go out with. Since you're 19, she'd have to be 16 and a half or else you're creepy.
Best of luck!
posted by Aquaman at 11:20 AM on April 7, 2007 [13 favorites]
(Your Age / 2) + 7 = the age of girls it's ok to go out with. Since you're 19, she'd have to be 16 and a half or else you're creepy.
Best of luck!
posted by Aquaman at 11:20 AM on April 7, 2007 [13 favorites]
Well, there's this one (from the Georgia state legislation website):
16-6-18.
An unmarried person commits the offense of fornication when he voluntarily has sexual intercourse with another person and, upon conviction thereof, shall be punished as for a misdemeanor.
You're not going to go "try and sleep with her," so you should be fine. But if you change your mind, there's something to think about. Be wary.
IANAL.
posted by eleyna at 11:20 AM on April 7, 2007
16-6-18.
An unmarried person commits the offense of fornication when he voluntarily has sexual intercourse with another person and, upon conviction thereof, shall be punished as for a misdemeanor.
You're not going to go "try and sleep with her," so you should be fine. But if you change your mind, there's something to think about. Be wary.
IANAL.
posted by eleyna at 11:20 AM on April 7, 2007
Can you, legally? Sure. Should you? I don't think so. She's in a very different part of her life than you are, and no matter how nice a guy you are, there's a power imbalance in the relationship. Her parents are likely to be uncomfortable with it, which will make her life more difficult (and may make her tend to be more attached to you than she would otherwise be, because she sees you as "forbidden fruit").
If you really like this girl, be her friend for the next two years, and then revisit the subject of romance when she's 18.
posted by decathecting at 11:30 AM on April 7, 2007
If you really like this girl, be her friend for the next two years, and then revisit the subject of romance when she's 18.
posted by decathecting at 11:30 AM on April 7, 2007
Go for it - I've known 21 year olds that were less mature than some 16 year olds and vice-versa. Just don't forget that you're in different phases of your life right now. You're both pretty young, but she, in particular, is still developing a sense of identity. Be aware that she may change over time, especially when she hits college.
Oh, and no sex until she's 18 - especially in the South, things can get really ugly for you if something goes awry.
posted by chrisamiller at 11:38 AM on April 7, 2007
Oh, and no sex until she's 18 - especially in the South, things can get really ugly for you if something goes awry.
posted by chrisamiller at 11:38 AM on April 7, 2007
Meet her parents. Are they distrustful of you? Is the girl going to have to lie to them in order to see you? If so, you could be creating problems for her that she'll regret when she's older.
But if her parents are okay with it, then proceed.
posted by wryly at 11:42 AM on April 7, 2007
But if her parents are okay with it, then proceed.
posted by wryly at 11:42 AM on April 7, 2007
Is it an overall bad situation? You don't really give us enough information to be sure, but maybe, possibly, yeah, kind of.
How would you feel about your sixteen-year-old daughter (or sister, if daughter's too much of a stretch) hanging out with some nineteen-year-old dude who says things like "I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try and sleep with her or anything"?
posted by box at 11:42 AM on April 7, 2007
How would you feel about your sixteen-year-old daughter (or sister, if daughter's too much of a stretch) hanging out with some nineteen-year-old dude who says things like "I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try and sleep with her or anything"?
posted by box at 11:42 AM on April 7, 2007
decathecting, how do you know they are in different lifestages, from the content of the post? I don't think we can definitely say there is a power imbalance just by looking at their ages. For all we know l3luer could be a dork with low self esteem, and the 16 yr old could be the queen-bee hot chick from her high school, and the power relationship is reversed. And there isn't something magical that happens to a girl's maturity level at her 18th birthday. (Besides, by then, she'll be starting college and he'll be working, most likely, and they'll still be at different lifestages.)
Age-wise, i don't think it's a problem, as long as it feels like a relationship of equals. If it feels creepy to you, if it feels like you're talking to someone younger than you, or it feels like you're dealing with a child, relative to the people you normally talk to, then that is your answer re: whether it's a problem. (I can't imagine that anything other than the most draconian legal system would find a relationship between people 3 years apart a problem.)
posted by Kololo at 11:44 AM on April 7, 2007
Age-wise, i don't think it's a problem, as long as it feels like a relationship of equals. If it feels creepy to you, if it feels like you're talking to someone younger than you, or it feels like you're dealing with a child, relative to the people you normally talk to, then that is your answer re: whether it's a problem. (I can't imagine that anything other than the most draconian legal system would find a relationship between people 3 years apart a problem.)
posted by Kololo at 11:44 AM on April 7, 2007
Oh, and no sex until she's 18 - especially in the South, things can get really ugly for you if something goes awry.
Further to that (I remember reading this point in a similar thread here, so this is not an original comment), things can go really awry if you break up and she decides to get revenge by telling people you did have sex. No 16 year old girl is worth potential statutory rape charges hanging over your head.
There are some pretty annoying laws in the US, you've got my sympathy, but I wouldn't touch this kind of situation with a ten foot barge pole if I were you. It would be totally different if you were both a few years older, or if your genders (I am presuming you're a hetero male) were reversed.
posted by saturnine at 11:47 AM on April 7, 2007
Further to that (I remember reading this point in a similar thread here, so this is not an original comment), things can go really awry if you break up and she decides to get revenge by telling people you did have sex. No 16 year old girl is worth potential statutory rape charges hanging over your head.
There are some pretty annoying laws in the US, you've got my sympathy, but I wouldn't touch this kind of situation with a ten foot barge pole if I were you. It would be totally different if you were both a few years older, or if your genders (I am presuming you're a hetero male) were reversed.
posted by saturnine at 11:47 AM on April 7, 2007
I live in Georgia. My daughter is 16. Yes, you would be putting yourself in a bad situation, never mind any legal problems.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:49 AM on April 7, 2007
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:49 AM on April 7, 2007
Where I live (not GA) you could be forced to register as a sex offender every place you go for the rest of your life. So worry. I have a 16 year-old-daughter, and yes, it would be bad. Very bad. If you really care for you, you can wait.
posted by clarkstonian at 12:03 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by clarkstonian at 12:03 PM on April 7, 2007
16 is what? Junior year of high school? 19 could be freshman at community college? I didn't turn 16 until senior year of high school. It was not uncommon to have friends a few years older, especially when we started going to local college campuses for frat parties. I would not say it is the most common of situations to be in, but this is incredibly subjective.
No offense, but the 19 year olds I knew who would date (or rather sleep with) 16 year olds were not the most mature people, on either end. It is regarded as rather trashy, immature.
posted by geoff. at 12:04 PM on April 7, 2007
No offense, but the 19 year olds I knew who would date (or rather sleep with) 16 year olds were not the most mature people, on either end. It is regarded as rather trashy, immature.
posted by geoff. at 12:04 PM on April 7, 2007
That would be her, not you.
posted by clarkstonian at 12:05 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by clarkstonian at 12:05 PM on April 7, 2007
I assume that both of you are in GA? If not, there could be some problems.
There is a new law passed just a few years ago that makes it illegal to have sexual conversations with teenagers over the internet. It was championed by Mark Foley, if you can believe that. I don't think it applies to phone calls. Even if she's above the age of consent in both states, you would still be violating this federal law, from what I understand.
I don't see a moral problem with it, and if you knew eachother locally, you probably wouldn't have any problems, but it's because it's on "teh scary internet" it could be to have any kind of sexual discussion with her until she turns 18.
IANAL.
posted by delmoi at 12:17 PM on April 7, 2007
There is a new law passed just a few years ago that makes it illegal to have sexual conversations with teenagers over the internet. It was championed by Mark Foley, if you can believe that. I don't think it applies to phone calls. Even if she's above the age of consent in both states, you would still be violating this federal law, from what I understand.
I don't see a moral problem with it, and if you knew eachother locally, you probably wouldn't have any problems, but it's because it's on "teh scary internet" it could be to have any kind of sexual discussion with her until she turns 18.
IANAL.
posted by delmoi at 12:17 PM on April 7, 2007
Also consider that she not be telling the truth about her age.
posted by InkaLomax at 12:18 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by InkaLomax at 12:18 PM on April 7, 2007
Let me put it to you this way. I was a 16 year old who dated a 19 year old.
I don't recommend it.
posted by wildeepdotorg at 12:36 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't recommend it.
posted by wildeepdotorg at 12:36 PM on April 7, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't know the particular laws of your state, but I don't think an age gap like that is creepy at all.
I think you just need to remember that even though you might be willing to sleep with her, she might not be at that stage of thinking yet.
posted by dydecker at 12:36 PM on April 7, 2007
I think you just need to remember that even though you might be willing to sleep with her, she might not be at that stage of thinking yet.
posted by dydecker at 12:36 PM on April 7, 2007
It's three years difference. And legal (double check your legal research). Everyone's being ridiculous. If things go well, fine. Don't worry about what all the prudes in here are saying, though.
My parents are 7 years apart, for goodness sake.
posted by zhivota at 12:41 PM on April 7, 2007
My parents are 7 years apart, for goodness sake.
posted by zhivota at 12:41 PM on April 7, 2007
Go for it. It's a "bad idea", but you're going to do it no matter what. 19 isn't terribly old or experienced, it'll end in disaster, but you'll learn from it.
posted by cellphone at 12:43 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by cellphone at 12:43 PM on April 7, 2007
You're right, there's no way to know for sure the maturity level of each of the people involved, nor can I predict with certainty that this will turn out badly. But in general, it tends to be the case that 19 year olds with their unrestricted drivers' licenses and lack of curfews and independence are attractive to 16 year olds because of the differences between them and because they seem exciting and mature, and that creates power differentials in many relationships. My advice would be to avoid such relationships. And if you think you're the exception to all of this and that your relationship is a good idea, tread carefully.
posted by decathecting at 12:47 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by decathecting at 12:47 PM on April 7, 2007
OK. There's two conversations here.
CAN you date a 16 year old when you're 19 in the state of georgia? Yes, but you can't have sex outside of a marriage in Georgia or it's a state offense, and you can't talk dirty over the internet or it's a federal offense.
SHOULD you date a girl 3 years younger than yourself when you're teenagers? Well, it depends on who you are and who she is -- in your own heads, I mean. There's a lot of maturing and growing up that you both have left to do. If you intend this to last a while, you're going to be going through stages of your life with three years separation -- which is not a huge amount if you're in college or later, but realize that you'll be a senior when she's a freshman in college (So when she's still figuring out how to live on a campus, you may not be able to be sympathetic), and you'll already be out of college and working by the time she's turned 21 (that means that you won't be able to go into a bar with her in most states for the next five years ... so when you want to go out with your buddies two years from now, you're going to have to leave her at home... or go somewhere where under-21'ers are allowed in, and your buddies are going to hate you for that.) There's also some seriously drastic, from a guy's point of view, emotional changes that girls go through in the late teenage years -- ex: 18 years old and they're out from under "daddy" for the first time, and "daddy" isn't there to tell her not to experiment with all kinds of stuff for the first time... while all you want to do is get some sleep because you're trying to finish a term paper for a senior-level class and you have to be up at 6am to open the store at your part-time job. That's tough to deal with because you liked her the way she was under her family's roof, and it's tough to figure out what happened to turn that sweet girl you've been going with for the past two years into a pierced and tattooed party animal. (Speaking from personal experience here.) Guys don't deal with that kind of change well for the most part, and that might kill your relationship just when you're finishing the period of life in which many guys find the woman they'll settle down with.
Add into that that she's a minor, and if her parents decide to move halfway across the country in the next few years, so sorry, you both lose. That's a whole hell of a lot of rough spots that can leave one or the other of you in a difficult place.
If you can deal with all of that, go ahead... but talk to her parents first and ask permission, and treat her honorably. I've only seen this kind of age gap at your ages work for people who are deeply religious and have deep family and community ties and use that framework to get through the rough spots, but that's not to say that you couldn't be successful.
posted by SpecialK at 12:54 PM on April 7, 2007
CAN you date a 16 year old when you're 19 in the state of georgia? Yes, but you can't have sex outside of a marriage in Georgia or it's a state offense, and you can't talk dirty over the internet or it's a federal offense.
SHOULD you date a girl 3 years younger than yourself when you're teenagers? Well, it depends on who you are and who she is -- in your own heads, I mean. There's a lot of maturing and growing up that you both have left to do. If you intend this to last a while, you're going to be going through stages of your life with three years separation -- which is not a huge amount if you're in college or later, but realize that you'll be a senior when she's a freshman in college (So when she's still figuring out how to live on a campus, you may not be able to be sympathetic), and you'll already be out of college and working by the time she's turned 21 (that means that you won't be able to go into a bar with her in most states for the next five years ... so when you want to go out with your buddies two years from now, you're going to have to leave her at home... or go somewhere where under-21'ers are allowed in, and your buddies are going to hate you for that.) There's also some seriously drastic, from a guy's point of view, emotional changes that girls go through in the late teenage years -- ex: 18 years old and they're out from under "daddy" for the first time, and "daddy" isn't there to tell her not to experiment with all kinds of stuff for the first time... while all you want to do is get some sleep because you're trying to finish a term paper for a senior-level class and you have to be up at 6am to open the store at your part-time job. That's tough to deal with because you liked her the way she was under her family's roof, and it's tough to figure out what happened to turn that sweet girl you've been going with for the past two years into a pierced and tattooed party animal. (Speaking from personal experience here.) Guys don't deal with that kind of change well for the most part, and that might kill your relationship just when you're finishing the period of life in which many guys find the woman they'll settle down with.
Add into that that she's a minor, and if her parents decide to move halfway across the country in the next few years, so sorry, you both lose. That's a whole hell of a lot of rough spots that can leave one or the other of you in a difficult place.
If you can deal with all of that, go ahead... but talk to her parents first and ask permission, and treat her honorably. I've only seen this kind of age gap at your ages work for people who are deeply religious and have deep family and community ties and use that framework to get through the rough spots, but that's not to say that you couldn't be successful.
posted by SpecialK at 12:54 PM on April 7, 2007
Just because something is legal doesn't make it right... but 3 years is not a significant age gap.
posted by bobo123 at 12:55 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by bobo123 at 12:55 PM on April 7, 2007
There are two aspects to this, a legal one and a moral one.
Legally, judging by the responses above, it seems that you may be in trouble if things get physical or explicit. That is a serious thing you should consider, as her parents could probably press charges if they deemed fit, even without her consent.
In a moral sense long as you are completely respectful of any boundaries has has, I see no problem with this. I say this as a woman who dated a guy five years older than me from when I was 17 to 21. I never felt uncomfortable, even though we were in different stages of our lives most of the time we were dating. He was supportive and absolutely not forceful, and so it worked quite well for a long time. If age is not used as an intimidation device, the relaitonship could work quite well.
posted by piratebowling at 1:15 PM on April 7, 2007
Legally, judging by the responses above, it seems that you may be in trouble if things get physical or explicit. That is a serious thing you should consider, as her parents could probably press charges if they deemed fit, even without her consent.
In a moral sense long as you are completely respectful of any boundaries has has, I see no problem with this. I say this as a woman who dated a guy five years older than me from when I was 17 to 21. I never felt uncomfortable, even though we were in different stages of our lives most of the time we were dating. He was supportive and absolutely not forceful, and so it worked quite well for a long time. If age is not used as an intimidation device, the relaitonship could work quite well.
posted by piratebowling at 1:15 PM on April 7, 2007
Please don't base your legal knowledge on the responses above; primary sources are always going to be more accurate than a poll of random people on the internet.
The Georgia Children and Youth Coordinating Council claims that sex with anyone under 16 is illegal. Which would imply that sex with anyone 16 or older is legal, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to double-check that with a lawyer or child protection service agency.
posted by occhiblu at 1:35 PM on April 7, 2007
The Georgia Children and Youth Coordinating Council claims that sex with anyone under 16 is illegal. Which would imply that sex with anyone 16 or older is legal, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to double-check that with a lawyer or child protection service agency.
posted by occhiblu at 1:35 PM on April 7, 2007
I was a 16 year old who dated a 19 year old.
Me, too. It was called "high school." I do recommend it.
(Ontario had grade thirteen, then.)
I don't recommend it.
I do.
I'm surprised by any disapproval here, really. The old saw that "girls mature faster than boys" comes to mind; I never really knew any 16-yr-old girls who were all that fond of 16-yr-old boys.
The only thing I can remember being an issue was an occasional hassle if we went out in a group that wanted to go to a bar; here, 19's the drinking age. So, er, if things are still going strong two years from now -- well, I'll answer your "How do I get my underage girlfriend into clubs with me?" question. Which will maybe include suggestions for dealing with barf on your car upholstery. You might want to steel yourself for occasional good-natured ribbing from your friends, but they'll be fine if she's not a ditz.
That aside, it's always, age difference aside, a good idea to be the boyfriend who, on his on-time arrival, has a nice chat with her folks and all that. But perhaps particularly important here.
posted by kmennie at 1:55 PM on April 7, 2007
Me, too. It was called "high school." I do recommend it.
(Ontario had grade thirteen, then.)
I don't recommend it.
I do.
I'm surprised by any disapproval here, really. The old saw that "girls mature faster than boys" comes to mind; I never really knew any 16-yr-old girls who were all that fond of 16-yr-old boys.
The only thing I can remember being an issue was an occasional hassle if we went out in a group that wanted to go to a bar; here, 19's the drinking age. So, er, if things are still going strong two years from now -- well, I'll answer your "How do I get my underage girlfriend into clubs with me?" question. Which will maybe include suggestions for dealing with barf on your car upholstery. You might want to steel yourself for occasional good-natured ribbing from your friends, but they'll be fine if she's not a ditz.
That aside, it's always, age difference aside, a good idea to be the boyfriend who, on his on-time arrival, has a nice chat with her folks and all that. But perhaps particularly important here.
posted by kmennie at 1:55 PM on April 7, 2007
she decides to get revenge by telling people you did have sex
This is why you need to be absolutely sure that sex between a 16 year old and a 19 year old is legal where you are before proceeding, even if you don't actually have sex. Frankly, regardless of the actual laws, I would not put myself in any kind of romantic relationship that had participants on different sides of 18, just to be completely safe.
Only you (or someone who knows more about the both of you than us random Internet people) can answer the question about whether you are emotionally and socially suited to each other, but I dated both younger and older girls in high school (not at the same time) with perfectly fine results, so it's not necessarily a bad move.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:05 PM on April 7, 2007
This is why you need to be absolutely sure that sex between a 16 year old and a 19 year old is legal where you are before proceeding, even if you don't actually have sex. Frankly, regardless of the actual laws, I would not put myself in any kind of romantic relationship that had participants on different sides of 18, just to be completely safe.
Only you (or someone who knows more about the both of you than us random Internet people) can answer the question about whether you are emotionally and socially suited to each other, but I dated both younger and older girls in high school (not at the same time) with perfectly fine results, so it's not necessarily a bad move.
posted by Rock Steady at 2:05 PM on April 7, 2007
For age of conset laws around the world, go to http://www.ageofconsent.com/ageofconsent.htm
Specifics for Georgia at www.ageofconsent.com/georgia. The outcome of the case that is mentioned can be foundhere.
GA Criminal Code: § 16-12-100. Sexual exploitation of children; reporting violation; forfeiture; penalties
GA Criminal Code: § 16-12-100.1. Electronically furnishing obscene material to minors
A pissed off parent and competent lawyer could make your life hell based on the above, in certain circumstances.
One thing to keep in mind is that while you may not have intentions of having sex with her until she's 18, she might have other plans. Or your current plans may change, especially in the heat of the moment.
You really need to meet her parents and let them know of yoru age upfront. Being straightforward and honest about this makes things easier if the family disapproves.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:07 PM on April 7, 2007
Specifics for Georgia at www.ageofconsent.com/georgia. The outcome of the case that is mentioned can be foundhere.
GA Criminal Code: § 16-12-100. Sexual exploitation of children; reporting violation; forfeiture; penalties
GA Criminal Code: § 16-12-100.1. Electronically furnishing obscene material to minors
A pissed off parent and competent lawyer could make your life hell based on the above, in certain circumstances.
One thing to keep in mind is that while you may not have intentions of having sex with her until she's 18, she might have other plans. Or your current plans may change, especially in the heat of the moment.
You really need to meet her parents and let them know of yoru age upfront. Being straightforward and honest about this makes things easier if the family disapproves.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:07 PM on April 7, 2007
Really? It depends on the people. And it depends on how her parents feel about it. At 16, I went out with someone who was 19. We were great friends, my parents liked him, and we had pretty healthy physical and emotional boundaries. There are other people who were my age that I would have never considered dating because they were pretty awful to their girlfriends.
posted by jeanmari at 2:13 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by jeanmari at 2:13 PM on April 7, 2007
I'm 20, a recent ex had a 16 year old younger sister.
Her sister was like a little kid, obviously in high school but still totally in a different part of life.
I'm having a hard time imagining how you and this 16 year old are really connecting in any way. If I had to guess, a pretty girl with a thing for "older" dudes is giving you some attention and you don't have the good sense to turn her down.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 2:20 PM on April 7, 2007
Her sister was like a little kid, obviously in high school but still totally in a different part of life.
I'm having a hard time imagining how you and this 16 year old are really connecting in any way. If I had to guess, a pretty girl with a thing for "older" dudes is giving you some attention and you don't have the good sense to turn her down.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 2:20 PM on April 7, 2007
i don't think 16F-19M is necessarily that big a deal- although of course it depends on the specific people involved.
if you aren't gonna sleep with her, be sure to make it obvious that you're not- don't sleep over, don't hang out behind closed doors, don't encourage her to cut school to hang out with you, try to hang out with other ppl in the house, etc.
if you do wanna sleep with her, my suggestion is to become her boyfriend, be really nice to her, let her call the shots, meet her family, and if possible wait around for 8 months or so- like til she's pushing 17. then be gentle (until she demands otherwise, of course).
posted by twistofrhyme at 2:27 PM on April 7, 2007
if you aren't gonna sleep with her, be sure to make it obvious that you're not- don't sleep over, don't hang out behind closed doors, don't encourage her to cut school to hang out with you, try to hang out with other ppl in the house, etc.
if you do wanna sleep with her, my suggestion is to become her boyfriend, be really nice to her, let her call the shots, meet her family, and if possible wait around for 8 months or so- like til she's pushing 17. then be gentle (until she demands otherwise, of course).
posted by twistofrhyme at 2:27 PM on April 7, 2007
jeese people, outside of the legal issue which can be answered fairly definitivly by going to the correct resources, there is not much WE can say to the point other than personal stories which may or may not have much to do with the given situation. I've know 14, 15, 16 year olds more responsible and mature than 20, 21, 22 year olds, and exactly opposite as well.
Be safe, be careful, It might be wise to wait a year or so just for the social aspect, but if you guys hit it off really well on the long term proceed cautiously.
posted by edgeways at 3:23 PM on April 7, 2007
Be safe, be careful, It might be wise to wait a year or so just for the social aspect, but if you guys hit it off really well on the long term proceed cautiously.
posted by edgeways at 3:23 PM on April 7, 2007
Agreeing that this isn't a big deal as presented. A three-year age difference between teenagers is pretty normal.
posted by desuetude at 3:34 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by desuetude at 3:34 PM on April 7, 2007
Just as a point of reference: the only countries in Europe where the age of consent is higher than 16 are Turkey (18), Cyprus (17) and Northern Ireland (17). In several countries it's 14. In Spain, 13. In Malta, 12.
In summary: yes, we think you're weird.
posted by Hogshead at 3:51 PM on April 7, 2007
In summary: yes, we think you're weird.
posted by Hogshead at 3:51 PM on April 7, 2007
This is actually quite easily answered, although the answer changes based on the situation:
If you are open and honest to everyone, including both of your parents, about your relationship, then sure go for it, enjoy.
If you are sneaking around or trying to hide it from anyone, ESPECIALLY the parents, then this will not end well, and I say stop all "boyfriendish" activity immediately.
Relationships like this really are pretty pedestrian, but only when open from the very get-go.
posted by Ynoxas at 4:04 PM on April 7, 2007
If you are open and honest to everyone, including both of your parents, about your relationship, then sure go for it, enjoy.
If you are sneaking around or trying to hide it from anyone, ESPECIALLY the parents, then this will not end well, and I say stop all "boyfriendish" activity immediately.
Relationships like this really are pretty pedestrian, but only when open from the very get-go.
posted by Ynoxas at 4:04 PM on April 7, 2007
When I was 16 I had a boyfriend who was 19. Between the two of us things were fine. I was mature enough that we were somewhat at the same leval. I think the people that think there is too much of an age difference are really overreacting. No one would blink and eye if she was 19 and you were 22. When I was 16 certainly wouldn't have wanted anything to do with guys my age. So, the age difference is not really a problem. What might be a problem is her parents. Sex IS going to come up. I had sex with my boyfriend just after I turned 17 and he had turned 20. My parents didn't specifically know that we were having sex, but when they found out I had slept over at his house, they got a little pissed, but it only resulted in my having a tighter curfew, and lying to them more.
So, my suggestions, have a relationship with her, meet her parents and find out exactly where you stand with them. If you can wait until she is 18 to have sex, great! If not, tell NO ONE. Don't let her tell her friends, and even if you get the idea that her parents would be okay with it, still keep everything as quiet as possible. And of course, you must trust her completely. If you think she is the kind of person who would later get revenge by claiming rape, don't sleep with her (of course, if you thought that I don't know why you'd want anything to do with her at all.
I'd say having a relationship with a girl a few years younger than you is pretty normal, and legal, it's only sex that might get you in trouble, and really, that is pretty unlikely to lead to problems unless you are dealing with some real assholes.
posted by catatethebird at 4:16 PM on April 7, 2007
So, my suggestions, have a relationship with her, meet her parents and find out exactly where you stand with them. If you can wait until she is 18 to have sex, great! If not, tell NO ONE. Don't let her tell her friends, and even if you get the idea that her parents would be okay with it, still keep everything as quiet as possible. And of course, you must trust her completely. If you think she is the kind of person who would later get revenge by claiming rape, don't sleep with her (of course, if you thought that I don't know why you'd want anything to do with her at all.
I'd say having a relationship with a girl a few years younger than you is pretty normal, and legal, it's only sex that might get you in trouble, and really, that is pretty unlikely to lead to problems unless you are dealing with some real assholes.
posted by catatethebird at 4:16 PM on April 7, 2007
that is pretty unlikely to lead to problems unless you are dealing with some real assholes.
Be aware that if you are in Georgia, they used to have laws specifically regarding if you get involved with her asshole.
I'm being flip, of course, but somewhat serious as well. I do not know the current status of sodomy bills in GA. It would be worth looking up, because statutory rape and underage sodomy are going to be treated as two completely different things.
posted by Ynoxas at 4:52 PM on April 7, 2007
Be aware that if you are in Georgia, they used to have laws specifically regarding if you get involved with her asshole.
I'm being flip, of course, but somewhat serious as well. I do not know the current status of sodomy bills in GA. It would be worth looking up, because statutory rape and underage sodomy are going to be treated as two completely different things.
posted by Ynoxas at 4:52 PM on April 7, 2007
I think the legal thing has been pretty well dealt with, so I'll stick to the "should you" aspect.
I think its fine as long as you are totally upfront with her parents, and they're ok with it. I do have to agree though, with the people who say that she's probably going to change and that's going to be hard. Take my word for it, I was a 17 year old dating a 22 year old, and when I went to college, everything changed. I'm such a different person now then I was then, people don't even really believe me when I describe my former self. However, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't date now, you have a whole two years to go before that sort of shit hits the fan, just be careful.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 5:20 PM on April 7, 2007
I think its fine as long as you are totally upfront with her parents, and they're ok with it. I do have to agree though, with the people who say that she's probably going to change and that's going to be hard. Take my word for it, I was a 17 year old dating a 22 year old, and when I went to college, everything changed. I'm such a different person now then I was then, people don't even really believe me when I describe my former self. However, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't date now, you have a whole two years to go before that sort of shit hits the fan, just be careful.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 5:20 PM on April 7, 2007
Generally, it's skeevy. And with litigious parents, it can get legally dicey. The age difference now is much more of a big deal than it will be in even a couple of years (though, frankly, being of age when your girlfriend isn't is profoundly shitty).
posted by klangklangston at 5:39 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by klangklangston at 5:39 PM on April 7, 2007
If you have to ask the question, it's not okay.
posted by The Monkey at 6:59 PM on April 7, 2007
posted by The Monkey at 6:59 PM on April 7, 2007
I met the "love of my life" when I was almost 16. He was almost 19. Grody, right?
We were together for six wonderful years and my family loved him and he was the very best friend I've ever had. So there. Rare? Yup. Possible? Totally.
posted by metasav at 9:28 PM on April 7, 2007
We were together for six wonderful years and my family loved him and he was the very best friend I've ever had. So there. Rare? Yup. Possible? Totally.
posted by metasav at 9:28 PM on April 7, 2007
It's totally legal -- 16 is age of consent (assuming anything that happens happens in Ga), end of story. Sodomy laws have also been tossed out here, FWIW, although sodomy with a minor might be an issue -- I don't know. Biggest issue would be if she claimed an actual rape, but then that could happen regardless of her age and honestly, don't overthink it this early in the game. Of course, if you take a picture of her in any sort of act, then we've got a different story...
Also, here's the obligatory cautionary tale involving sodomy, a rape claim, underage girls, and the really, really dumb idea to videotape it all. Unfortunately, it makes Georgia sex laws look pretty bad, but the issues there shouldn't apply to your situation as you've explained it.
Now, the skeeviness issue. I was in a relationship with this age difference; tons of people I knew were/are in similar ones. (We're all in Georgia, and at most, 2-3 years older than you. And by Georgia, I mean major modern cities and colleges, not one of those places you could find where most 16 year olds are having their third kid or something, and you could probably date a 13-year-old if you wanted to.) Anyway, it was rare to ever have an issue with it other than an occasional smart-ass comment. But note that the people I refer to went to high school together, were smart, came from good families that approved of the relationships, etc. At the same time, I knew a couple people with similar age ranges where the guy was clearly from a different social set than the girl, came across as someone really scuzzy (and would have even if he hadn't been dating a younger girl) and generally seemed like, well, a creepy older guy dating a high school girl. (And, I'm sorry to say, the [more inside] of this question seems more like something "that guy" would say. But given that's all I know about you, that's not a judgment I'm qualified to make.)
Bottom line: It's not who you date, it's who you are. If you're the kind of guy a girl's parents wouldn't mind her dating, then no, you're not too old. If you're creepy or gross, an age gap is the least of your worries. I've seen it both ways, and you (and her and her parents) are the only ones who know if this is "right" or not.
posted by SuperNova at 12:10 AM on April 8, 2007
Also, here's the obligatory cautionary tale involving sodomy, a rape claim, underage girls, and the really, really dumb idea to videotape it all. Unfortunately, it makes Georgia sex laws look pretty bad, but the issues there shouldn't apply to your situation as you've explained it.
Now, the skeeviness issue. I was in a relationship with this age difference; tons of people I knew were/are in similar ones. (We're all in Georgia, and at most, 2-3 years older than you. And by Georgia, I mean major modern cities and colleges, not one of those places you could find where most 16 year olds are having their third kid or something, and you could probably date a 13-year-old if you wanted to.) Anyway, it was rare to ever have an issue with it other than an occasional smart-ass comment. But note that the people I refer to went to high school together, were smart, came from good families that approved of the relationships, etc. At the same time, I knew a couple people with similar age ranges where the guy was clearly from a different social set than the girl, came across as someone really scuzzy (and would have even if he hadn't been dating a younger girl) and generally seemed like, well, a creepy older guy dating a high school girl. (And, I'm sorry to say, the [more inside] of this question seems more like something "that guy" would say. But given that's all I know about you, that's not a judgment I'm qualified to make.)
Bottom line: It's not who you date, it's who you are. If you're the kind of guy a girl's parents wouldn't mind her dating, then no, you're not too old. If you're creepy or gross, an age gap is the least of your worries. I've seen it both ways, and you (and her and her parents) are the only ones who know if this is "right" or not.
posted by SuperNova at 12:10 AM on April 8, 2007
I'm coming a little late to the thread, but I wanted to share some advice. You see, I am a 19 year old dating a 16 year old, and in the south as well to boot (albeit Texas). Our genders are reversed, but a lot of the same circumstances apply.
First off, ignore the nay-sayers who are telling you she can't possibly be as mature as you, no matter what you think. Age is a horrible measure of maturity, and you know better than any person on the internet could just how mature this girl is. If I had a dollar for every person who told me, with out ever having met my boyfriend, that there was no way he and I could possibly be on the same level and that it was a horrible mistake, I would be able to pay for college. He and I have been together 2 years now. So much for "it'll never work out", eh?
For starters, no matter the age of consent, there is some law you would be breaking by having sex, be it innappropriate conduct, indecent exposure, whatever. You can't be sure that anything is legal until she is 18. However, this isn't really all that important. What's far more important is that you meet her family, soon, and let them get to know you (and get to know you when you're still "little Suzy's friend" instead of "little Suzy's older predator boyfriend") because if you will ever be in any legal hot water, it will be because the parents lawyered up/called the police, and that is perfectly avoidable.
Be on your best behavior for them. You want them to like you. Giving them a chance to get to know you and like you will make this whole situation a thousand times easier and will have the added bonus of giving you an idea of how likely they are to call the police if they think you are doing untoward things to their daughter. My relationship with my underaged boyfriend would never have worked out had I not had his mother's (somewhat hesitant) blessing. (And I'll be honest, I still get raised eyebrows from some members of his family at family functions.) However, she knows me, and knows I'm not some weird sexual predator taking advantage of her son, and thus never felt the need to involve the law. You haven't even met your girl's parents, which means they can not say the same about you. Get the parents on your side and your legal concerns will be essentially gone.
Also, be forewarned that, even once the relationship is safely established with parental consent and everything, you are going to get a lot of shit about the age difference. A week does not go by when I don't hear some variant on a Michael Jackson/babysitting joke, and trust me, they get old quick. Not to mention, there's the judgement from the folks who refuse to accept at all that a healthy relationship could exist between a 16 year old and a 19 year old. Are you prepared to deal with the endless wisecracks and being called an out-and-out pervert, without resenting your girlfriend? Just be glad that older-male/younger-female relationships are more common than the reverse. You'll get hassled just a little less than I have been.
Anyways, by all means, if you like this girl and feel you and she are on the same level, and can handle the age difference and all that comes with it, then go for it. My current boyfriend is the best I have ever had, age-difference and all, and anyways, in a few years, a three year age difference will be no big deal at all. But be careful about this, especially about her parents, because no girl in the world is worth a sex predator label.
posted by internet!Hannah at 8:48 PM on April 8, 2007
First off, ignore the nay-sayers who are telling you she can't possibly be as mature as you, no matter what you think. Age is a horrible measure of maturity, and you know better than any person on the internet could just how mature this girl is. If I had a dollar for every person who told me, with out ever having met my boyfriend, that there was no way he and I could possibly be on the same level and that it was a horrible mistake, I would be able to pay for college. He and I have been together 2 years now. So much for "it'll never work out", eh?
For starters, no matter the age of consent, there is some law you would be breaking by having sex, be it innappropriate conduct, indecent exposure, whatever. You can't be sure that anything is legal until she is 18. However, this isn't really all that important. What's far more important is that you meet her family, soon, and let them get to know you (and get to know you when you're still "little Suzy's friend" instead of "little Suzy's older predator boyfriend") because if you will ever be in any legal hot water, it will be because the parents lawyered up/called the police, and that is perfectly avoidable.
Be on your best behavior for them. You want them to like you. Giving them a chance to get to know you and like you will make this whole situation a thousand times easier and will have the added bonus of giving you an idea of how likely they are to call the police if they think you are doing untoward things to their daughter. My relationship with my underaged boyfriend would never have worked out had I not had his mother's (somewhat hesitant) blessing. (And I'll be honest, I still get raised eyebrows from some members of his family at family functions.) However, she knows me, and knows I'm not some weird sexual predator taking advantage of her son, and thus never felt the need to involve the law. You haven't even met your girl's parents, which means they can not say the same about you. Get the parents on your side and your legal concerns will be essentially gone.
Also, be forewarned that, even once the relationship is safely established with parental consent and everything, you are going to get a lot of shit about the age difference. A week does not go by when I don't hear some variant on a Michael Jackson/babysitting joke, and trust me, they get old quick. Not to mention, there's the judgement from the folks who refuse to accept at all that a healthy relationship could exist between a 16 year old and a 19 year old. Are you prepared to deal with the endless wisecracks and being called an out-and-out pervert, without resenting your girlfriend? Just be glad that older-male/younger-female relationships are more common than the reverse. You'll get hassled just a little less than I have been.
Anyways, by all means, if you like this girl and feel you and she are on the same level, and can handle the age difference and all that comes with it, then go for it. My current boyfriend is the best I have ever had, age-difference and all, and anyways, in a few years, a three year age difference will be no big deal at all. But be careful about this, especially about her parents, because no girl in the world is worth a sex predator label.
posted by internet!Hannah at 8:48 PM on April 8, 2007
Well, while I respect the verbiage, the argument that you were meant for each other, based on someone who started dating their current guy at 17 to his 14 doesn't exactly smack of the long view you think it does. Further, because of the general gender context of our society, yeah, it is less skeevy for an older girl to date a younger guy.
Two years in high school doesn't disprove the "It'll never work out."
posted by klangklangston at 6:33 AM on April 9, 2007
Two years in high school doesn't disprove the "It'll never work out."
posted by klangklangston at 6:33 AM on April 9, 2007
Further, because of the general gender context of our society, yeah, it is less skeevy for an older girl to date a younger guy.
Nahh, it's much more unusual for an older girl to date a younger guy, and is considered even more suspect (and yes, skeevy) than the more-common scenario of a sophomore or junior dating a boy one year out of high school.
posted by desuetude at 7:53 PM on April 9, 2007
Nahh, it's much more unusual for an older girl to date a younger guy, and is considered even more suspect (and yes, skeevy) than the more-common scenario of a sophomore or junior dating a boy one year out of high school.
posted by desuetude at 7:53 PM on April 9, 2007
Unusual, yes. Skeevy? Not by half. That's where the guy gets plaudits for pulling above his stature. The power differential isn't as threatening.
posted by klangklangston at 8:24 PM on April 9, 2007
posted by klangklangston at 8:24 PM on April 9, 2007
So, as someone who was once the older party in a 15-18 relationship, I have one thing to say that I haven't seen above. If you're asking Metafilter about this, some part of you is uncomfortable with your status as the older person in this relationship. Whether your discomfort has a legal basis or not isn't even relevant - when the going gets tough on any front, that discomfort is going to rear its ugly head and your relationship will be toast.
You've got to believe, with every fiber of your being, that you have a right to love this girl, under moral and civil law. If you have any question about this just starting out, don't even bother.
posted by crinklebat at 10:20 PM on April 9, 2007
You've got to believe, with every fiber of your being, that you have a right to love this girl, under moral and civil law. If you have any question about this just starting out, don't even bother.
posted by crinklebat at 10:20 PM on April 9, 2007
klangklangston, a guy's buddies may give him mad props for dating the older woman, but his mom thinks it's fuckin' creepy, as do all of the girl's friends and family.
posted by desuetude at 6:25 AM on April 10, 2007
posted by desuetude at 6:25 AM on April 10, 2007
klangklangston: "Well, while I respect the verbiage, the argument that you were meant for each other, based on someone who started dating their current guy at 17 to his 14 doesn't exactly smack of the long view you think it does. Further, because of the general gender context of our society, yeah, it is less skeevy for an older girl to date a younger guy."
Klangklangston, I just reread my post (which was apparently too verbose for you--was that an insult to me or to you?) and I still can't find the part where I told the OP that he was meant for the girl. I was just trying to tell him that while a majority of people will say flat-out that there is absolutely no possibilty of this sort of relationship working, that's an absurd knee-jerk reaction to the age difference and that I can anecdotally speak to the contrary.
And what do you mean "two years in high school doesn't disprove the "It'll never work out"? A two-year still-going-strong relationship for anyone under 25 is the very definition of "working out". What do you want me to do, wait ten years and then let you know if I married the guy or something?
And trust me, a girl dating down is far worse in the eyes of society than the reverse. My boyfriend's sister is dating a guy five years older than her, and trust me, the family has had a far worse reaction to me than to him. Does he get pedophile or cradle-robbing jokes/snide comments? No. But after two years, I still get at least three a week, and that's not an exaggeration. And while the bulk of them are from well-intentioned people, some people really do find me disgusting, and have told me so. I'm glad you personally feel I'm not "skeevy", but you're in the minority.
posted by internet!Hannah at 2:25 PM on April 11, 2007
Klangklangston, I just reread my post (which was apparently too verbose for you--was that an insult to me or to you?) and I still can't find the part where I told the OP that he was meant for the girl. I was just trying to tell him that while a majority of people will say flat-out that there is absolutely no possibilty of this sort of relationship working, that's an absurd knee-jerk reaction to the age difference and that I can anecdotally speak to the contrary.
And what do you mean "two years in high school doesn't disprove the "It'll never work out"? A two-year still-going-strong relationship for anyone under 25 is the very definition of "working out". What do you want me to do, wait ten years and then let you know if I married the guy or something?
And trust me, a girl dating down is far worse in the eyes of society than the reverse. My boyfriend's sister is dating a guy five years older than her, and trust me, the family has had a far worse reaction to me than to him. Does he get pedophile or cradle-robbing jokes/snide comments? No. But after two years, I still get at least three a week, and that's not an exaggeration. And while the bulk of them are from well-intentioned people, some people really do find me disgusting, and have told me so. I'm glad you personally feel I'm not "skeevy", but you're in the minority.
posted by internet!Hannah at 2:25 PM on April 11, 2007
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posted by Phire at 11:02 AM on April 7, 2007