Depression and college
March 16, 2007 5:56 PM Subscribe
College/DepressionFilter: How do I avoid further destroying my life?
posted by anonymous to Education (51 answers total) 45 users marked this as a favorite
I am a sophomore in college. My college works on a quarter system, so my second term ends this month. First term, I received a D in one course and a B in two others, which gave me a 2.3 term GPA. Although I haven't received my final grades yet, I'm estimating that my second term GPA will be roughly 1.5. This means I will be placed on academic probation. I will also lose my scholarship funds from the college; even a straight-A third term wouldn't raise my GPA enough to save the money. I've also almost completely destroyed any chance of transferring to another school.
During my first year of college, my GPA was about 3.4. I was on the Dean's List for my first term. What happened?
Since I started my second year, and especially since I started this most recent term, I've become more and more depressed. I stay up until all hours of the night obsessing over past mistakes, my terrible present situation, the uncertain future, and the inevitability of death. Suicidal ideation is one of my top activities. The depression is not helped by my brutal social anxiety; a combination of the two has left me with next to no friends here, no job (lack of motivation, fear of reaching out to job-dispensing authority figures), and little money -- I blew it all on delivery food to avoid the terror of eating alone in the cafeteria. [Yes, I'm on pills. Yes, I'm seeing a shrink.]
I have no motivation whatsoever to get my work done. I don't even read my textbooks, if I buy them at all. I'll stay up late staring at a blank Word document when it comes time to write a paper, and I'll never even type a single word. I want to do well, but I can't. I know I should read my books, I know I should study, I know exactly what I should do, yet not only do I not do it, it feels like I CAN'T do it. I know that I can; I did very well during my first year, after all. It's even more frustrating because I can't find anyone who understands what this feels like.
College staff have been of little help. One academic dean told me to withdraw from this term. An academic skills counselor suggested I withdraw from next term.
Those actually don't sound like bad ideas to me; I'm not even sure I want to be in college. But I have no idea what else I'd do. Plus, my parents wouldn't allow me to do anything but continue in college (they don't know any of what I just typed above, except for the 2.3 GPA first term). That's why I can't withdraw from a term, take a leave of absence, or drop out. My only option is to transfer and hope for the best; unfortunately, I did that once before, and it didn't work out very well. And I'd need somewhere to transfer to; my recent academic performance makes that quite difficult.
Summary: I'm failing classes, losing scholarship money, depressed, unmotivated, and feel like I have no good options. What the hell do I do?