There's nothing wrong with my job. There's something wrong with me. Please help me to choose what to do.
posted by b33j to Work & Money (15 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I've had a pretty stressful 15 months. Split with my husband. Leaped into casual self employment. Had problems with finances, and depression, and anxiety. Empty nest syndrome. Moved back to the family home. Ex was arrested for exposing himself. Daughter was angry at our break up. Son continued to do nothing, despite much encouragement from me (no work, no study, just computer games). Started navigating the horrors of mature dating. Got burnt a couple of times. Started an on again, off again LDR relationship. Sold the family home after ten years without help from ex in cleaning it up and getting rid of stuff. Moved again, to a neighbourhood with junkies with a 12 month lease and discovered my flat is on the market yesterday. My mother died, estranged. There was family stuff. Some other stuff. Can't remember it all.
Anyway, so I have these casual jobs with academics on a campus 15 minutes from me. They have been good to me, and have respected me, my work ethic and my wide skill base. The work is flexible. Work from home some days, work from my great little office on campus. Training in statistics. Promise of scholarship and supervision for my phd once I get through my honours. Great personal relationships, one lasting over 10 years.
But I'm fucking it all up. I have fucked up at least one academic to the point I can't imagine her recommending me to anyone. Quite the opposite. The thought of doing my work makes me panic (and while I had anxiety, panic is new to me). It gets further behind and more scary, and I get more scared. I felt like an elephant is standing on my chest, and when he's not, he's on my back. I hate the quality of work I've been turning in, but mostly not doing. I'm missing vital deadlines all over the place. Have been for months but it's getting worse.
Because I'm casual, I have no contract, no sick leave, no work programs to assist with my situation.
I'm sitting here, dreading going to work to try and fix the stuff that should have been done ages ago, the stuff that my academics have been kind enough to let go, again and again.
So I'm thinking about quitting. I have some money in the bank from selling the house. But if I quit, well, there's some projects I've been on for ages (5 years) and if I quit, someone else will take them on, and I won't ever get them back. I'll have to find another job, and I doubt I'll ever find anything as flexible as RAing. And then there's the scholarship and the phd.
I am on anti-anxiety medication. I have suicide ideation often. I feel nauseous with fear. I can't seem to make a decision about anything.
My preference at night, instead of working, is to dry to drown the feelings with alcohol, but I don't do it every night because I don't have a car (or a license) and happily the pub is not terribly close by.
What am I not considering here? What is so fuckingly glaringly obvious? Should I break my lease, send my kitty (who wakes me at 3am for 3 hours) back to my ex, and join the circus, or go wwoofing?
I've done so much therapy over the years - I last saw someone in January, but she wasn't much help. She just wanted me to tell her my problems, and she would say, "that sounds difficult." No solutions, no insight, just sympathy.
Oh my skills:
I have great organisational skills, expert at Word (just formatted over 1000 pages at high level for mining consulting company for publication), Illustrator, Excel, Access. Can find stuff out quickly. Hate working with the public.