Work and depression
November 21, 2013 4:12 PM Subscribe
I had a nervous breakdown at work two weeks ago. At the insistence of my doctor, I took medical leave and am now in a partial hospitalization program being treated for depression and anxiety.
I am fortunate in that money isn't an issue for the time being. The outpatient program that I'm in has been fully covered by insurance, and I am eligible for up to 6 months of short-term disability leave coverage at full pay.
I've known for some time that finance isn't the right industry for me. I've been selectively looking for a new job for the past eight months or so. I've done a few informational interviews and sent out my resume a bit, but I wasn't particularly aggressive about it. At the suggestion of my psychiatrist, I had been seeing a "career psychologist," who should hopefully help me to figure out what to focus my career search on. I am sort of skeptical of the value in this but have been trying to keep an open mind. I haven't seen the career psychologist while I've been in treatment but would see him again after I regain my health.
Work is a trigger for me in more ways than one. I had struggled with depression and anxiety prior to this breakdown. Work stress caused me to go on antidepressants about a year ago. However, I also have depression about the state of my career. Even though I have what would look like a great resume, I am not proud of what I do. I struggle to imagine ever being proud of my career. Further, I am convinced that I am not a good fit for finance and that I need to do something else. However, I have no idea what this something else would be. I feel so lost, confused, and aimless.
I don't feel like I can go back to my old job. I feel like the work environment is too toxic and that it would just be a matter of time until I have another triggering event that makes me suicidal again. I know that I shouldn't devoting much thought to work issues right now, as I am still in a recovery period. But it is something that I will need to think about eventually.
I'm hoping some other people can chime in to share their advice and similar experiences on what I should do.
Thanks!
I am fortunate in that money isn't an issue for the time being. The outpatient program that I'm in has been fully covered by insurance, and I am eligible for up to 6 months of short-term disability leave coverage at full pay.
I've known for some time that finance isn't the right industry for me. I've been selectively looking for a new job for the past eight months or so. I've done a few informational interviews and sent out my resume a bit, but I wasn't particularly aggressive about it. At the suggestion of my psychiatrist, I had been seeing a "career psychologist," who should hopefully help me to figure out what to focus my career search on. I am sort of skeptical of the value in this but have been trying to keep an open mind. I haven't seen the career psychologist while I've been in treatment but would see him again after I regain my health.
Work is a trigger for me in more ways than one. I had struggled with depression and anxiety prior to this breakdown. Work stress caused me to go on antidepressants about a year ago. However, I also have depression about the state of my career. Even though I have what would look like a great resume, I am not proud of what I do. I struggle to imagine ever being proud of my career. Further, I am convinced that I am not a good fit for finance and that I need to do something else. However, I have no idea what this something else would be. I feel so lost, confused, and aimless.
I don't feel like I can go back to my old job. I feel like the work environment is too toxic and that it would just be a matter of time until I have another triggering event that makes me suicidal again. I know that I shouldn't devoting much thought to work issues right now, as I am still in a recovery period. But it is something that I will need to think about eventually.
I'm hoping some other people can chime in to share their advice and similar experiences on what I should do.
Thanks!
My husband was in a weird (toxic) work environment, and when they started laying people off he went ahead and quit. He took a job with a local Council walking around writing parking tickets. He loved it. You spend a huge amount of time and energy invested in work/job - it matters. A LOT.
FWIW, I also *hated* my job in finance and ended up quitting. It was the best thing ever. It had less to do with finance and more to do with an unhealthy work culture but YMMV. I'm a big fan of relative mediocrity: I could do more - but I don't care enough about money, don't want the extra hours or stress etc. I am perfectly happy being vaguely helpful for 7 hours a day as a public servent and going home and living my life.
Personally, I wouldn't even think about going back...and I wouldn't feel bad or worry about that. Quit when your leave is up. You don't have to go back, so don't. It seems like you have a great team supporting you who will help you when the time comes to find something new.
Perhaps in the meantime, you can do some low-key volunteer work? You can do something helpful for a non-profit (and maybe something therapeutic for you, too - something outside or with animals?), explore another task, and have something else on your resume - something you feel good about. All my suggestions would involve animals or plants, but YMMV.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:10 PM on November 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
FWIW, I also *hated* my job in finance and ended up quitting. It was the best thing ever. It had less to do with finance and more to do with an unhealthy work culture but YMMV. I'm a big fan of relative mediocrity: I could do more - but I don't care enough about money, don't want the extra hours or stress etc. I am perfectly happy being vaguely helpful for 7 hours a day as a public servent and going home and living my life.
Personally, I wouldn't even think about going back...and I wouldn't feel bad or worry about that. Quit when your leave is up. You don't have to go back, so don't. It seems like you have a great team supporting you who will help you when the time comes to find something new.
Perhaps in the meantime, you can do some low-key volunteer work? You can do something helpful for a non-profit (and maybe something therapeutic for you, too - something outside or with animals?), explore another task, and have something else on your resume - something you feel good about. All my suggestions would involve animals or plants, but YMMV.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:10 PM on November 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
Oh, this happened to me about 5 years ago, almost the exact same story - I told my psychiatrist I was suicidal and she hospitalized me (in patient for a week, then part time outpatient.) a lot of it was driven by work stress and an unhealthy environment, plus some big deal family stuff.
I took 8 weeks of medical leave, realized I couldn't face going back, and negotiated a severance package.
It took a while to recover from the depression (it took a while to get
that sick in the first place.) I went into the hospital just before Christmas and I was feeling a lot better and job hunting in earnest by about June. (which took longer than I thought, since it was 2009 and the economy had flushed itself down the toilet the previous fall.) Got a job in September, haven't had a huge episode since. (I am also a lot more proactive about not letting it get that bad.)
I had some qualms about staying in the same field that drove me crazy, but I enjoyed (and still enjoy) the work and have been able to find healthier workplaces since. Not all of them, but I've been able to keep on a far more even keel. I am also in marketing, a quant-driven area which is high pressure but nothing like finance, so that's another reason I didn't end up switching careers (I thought very carefully about it.)
At first I was basically not killing myself because my sisters didn't want me to. I held onto that when I didn't have any better reason. Gradually I made a life for myself that I wanted to live for its own sake. I am really grateful my psychiatrist hospitalized me because while it felt awful at the time and I could barely get out of bed some days (weeks... all of February) it was a turning point for me. That sounds facile and cliched, but I don't know how else to describe it without getting even lengthier than I already have.
Tl;dr: you can climb out of this! My experience was so similar and I did it and I'm a regular person, just one who was motivated to make changes and not be so miserable.
Specific advice: take that 6 months and use some of the time to make an exit plan from your current path. You have very valuable skills and a solid resume - my guess is you should be able to find something that makes use of your career to date without sending you back into hell, whether it's simply a better work environment at a small firm, an adjacent field (something in finance in the non-profit world?). You are obviously talented and resourceful and you have 6 months to figure it out - take advantage of that time, it's probably the longest "break" you'll get as an adult until retirement. (take advantage of the time to work on healing yourself at your own pace, i mean, I don't mean to make it sound like a vacation because I know it's not.)
Good luck! Please keep us posted.
On preview: I took a 40% pay cut too. I have zero regrets. My life is a million times easier and better without having to fight so hard against depression and anxiety all the time. Not perfect, but so much better. So worth the work it took to rebuild my life.
posted by data hound at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
I took 8 weeks of medical leave, realized I couldn't face going back, and negotiated a severance package.
It took a while to recover from the depression (it took a while to get
that sick in the first place.) I went into the hospital just before Christmas and I was feeling a lot better and job hunting in earnest by about June. (which took longer than I thought, since it was 2009 and the economy had flushed itself down the toilet the previous fall.) Got a job in September, haven't had a huge episode since. (I am also a lot more proactive about not letting it get that bad.)
I had some qualms about staying in the same field that drove me crazy, but I enjoyed (and still enjoy) the work and have been able to find healthier workplaces since. Not all of them, but I've been able to keep on a far more even keel. I am also in marketing, a quant-driven area which is high pressure but nothing like finance, so that's another reason I didn't end up switching careers (I thought very carefully about it.)
At first I was basically not killing myself because my sisters didn't want me to. I held onto that when I didn't have any better reason. Gradually I made a life for myself that I wanted to live for its own sake. I am really grateful my psychiatrist hospitalized me because while it felt awful at the time and I could barely get out of bed some days (weeks... all of February) it was a turning point for me. That sounds facile and cliched, but I don't know how else to describe it without getting even lengthier than I already have.
Tl;dr: you can climb out of this! My experience was so similar and I did it and I'm a regular person, just one who was motivated to make changes and not be so miserable.
Specific advice: take that 6 months and use some of the time to make an exit plan from your current path. You have very valuable skills and a solid resume - my guess is you should be able to find something that makes use of your career to date without sending you back into hell, whether it's simply a better work environment at a small firm, an adjacent field (something in finance in the non-profit world?). You are obviously talented and resourceful and you have 6 months to figure it out - take advantage of that time, it's probably the longest "break" you'll get as an adult until retirement. (take advantage of the time to work on healing yourself at your own pace, i mean, I don't mean to make it sound like a vacation because I know it's not.)
Good luck! Please keep us posted.
On preview: I took a 40% pay cut too. I have zero regrets. My life is a million times easier and better without having to fight so hard against depression and anxiety all the time. Not perfect, but so much better. So worth the work it took to rebuild my life.
posted by data hound at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your job, or your career, are not worth your health. You may have disability coverage, if you do, use it. You're actually sick. It's probably work-related, so file a worker's comp claim. Get whatever health care you need to be healthy. I was forced out of my job in a way that made me quite ill. It's taking time to recover, but it's good that I'm no longer there, as it was consuming my life.
posted by theora55 at 9:02 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 9:02 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Take the disability leave, get through your treatment, then come back to what sort of career you want.
Take it one step at a time.
You don't want a triggering event while you're at this crucial point.
posted by RainyJay at 11:14 PM on November 21, 2013
Take it one step at a time.
You don't want a triggering event while you're at this crucial point.
posted by RainyJay at 11:14 PM on November 21, 2013
Oh buddy.
I did this two years ago. I was in a php for 4 months, then went back to the job (part time for the first month), and then ended up quitting a couple of months ago.
It was the right thing for me to go back. It was also the right thing for me to quit.
Some observations: It seems like you should probably not go back. However I strongly recommend you not even think about it. To put it as kindly as possible, one's decision making faculties aren't great immediately after a breakdown. If you want to say that right now you are 300% sure you're going to quit, fine. I did. But I would recommend not acting on that.
Right now your job is to get into a healthy head space. Don't worry about anything else. The thing that helped me was the thought that I'd already enacted my worst (realistic) fears. So I might as well see what happens.
It will be okay. You are okay.
One thing that really helped me was to make contact with close work friends. It was really scary, but you know what? Everybody was really kind. Everyone rallied for me. The fact that some of the people who had a front row seat to my meltdown were still there for me was a really big thing.
No job is worth your wellbeing.
Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by PMdixon at 10:00 AM on November 22, 2013
I did this two years ago. I was in a php for 4 months, then went back to the job (part time for the first month), and then ended up quitting a couple of months ago.
It was the right thing for me to go back. It was also the right thing for me to quit.
Some observations: It seems like you should probably not go back. However I strongly recommend you not even think about it. To put it as kindly as possible, one's decision making faculties aren't great immediately after a breakdown. If you want to say that right now you are 300% sure you're going to quit, fine. I did. But I would recommend not acting on that.
Right now your job is to get into a healthy head space. Don't worry about anything else. The thing that helped me was the thought that I'd already enacted my worst (realistic) fears. So I might as well see what happens.
It will be okay. You are okay.
One thing that really helped me was to make contact with close work friends. It was really scary, but you know what? Everybody was really kind. Everyone rallied for me. The fact that some of the people who had a front row seat to my meltdown were still there for me was a really big thing.
No job is worth your wellbeing.
Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by PMdixon at 10:00 AM on November 22, 2013
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how awful it is.
For me, that kind of thing started happening at every single job I had. So I applied for disability.
And I got it on my first try! Everybody says nobody does, but I had great doctors vouching for me, I think.
Now I make waaaaay too little money, but I don't have to work, and I know that even the government agrees I'm too sick to work.
Just something to think about.
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:21 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
For me, that kind of thing started happening at every single job I had. So I applied for disability.
And I got it on my first try! Everybody says nobody does, but I had great doctors vouching for me, I think.
Now I make waaaaay too little money, but I don't have to work, and I know that even the government agrees I'm too sick to work.
Just something to think about.
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:21 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
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I felt so much relief with the change and am happy to get up and go to work now. I took a heft paycut to move to this position, but it is worth every penny lost. Every. Last. One.
My message to you is that finding your way through this with the help of professionals and your family and friends will be worth it when you are no longer miserable every day, all day.
Big bear hug to you!
Memail if you ever want to chat.
posted by michellenoel at 4:43 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]