Selling the family house?

December 4, 2006 6:44 PM

How do we convince my widowed mother to sell the family house?

My father died about 10 years ago and my mother is currently living alone in the house where the family grew up. It's a big house and she can't go on living in it indefinitely for obvious reasons (cost, maintenance, etc.). It's already starting to look pretty run down and I'm sure that will affect the value when it is sold. The family has been trying to convince her for years that she needs to sell it and, while she says she agrees, things have been moving too slowly.

I live half way across the country so that limits the amount of time I can spend on the hands-on stuff. I have two brothers that live in the same city as my mom and they're willing to help, of course.

So, two parts to this. How can we convince mom to commit to doing this? And how do you clean out a house that's been lived in for 30 years under these circumstances?

posted by Tilon to home & garden (11 comments total)

how do you clean out a house that's been lived in for 30 years under these circumstances

Estate sale.

Get her a new place, box up the keepsakes that you really love, and let the vultures pick at the rest of it.
posted by chrisamiller at 6:48 PM on December 4, 2006

Does she want to stay? The house may be her anchor of stability in the world and the scene of a lot of her good memories. Forcing her out of it for the sake of real estate value sounds pretty cold. Maybe get her some home help if you can, and be patient.
posted by zadcat at 6:59 PM on December 4, 2006

If she is 62 or over perhaps she should look into a "reverse mortgage." Then she will have money for upkeep and money to just live on. They are safe and if she plans to stay there 5 years the upfront costs do not make the mortgage cost to much. She can get an equity line of credit or she can get a monthly annuity until she moves out or passes away. After that the heirs get what is left of the money after the mortgage clears. A very great deal for someone that wants to stay in her own comfortable place until she is unable to care for herself. Do a google on it. Really.
posted by JayRwv at 7:22 PM on December 4, 2006

Maybe you don't. If she needs to be there then that is the end of it, at least until she starts having trouble living day to day. It's awfully hard to leave a house you love.
posted by jet_silver at 7:43 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

My dad tried for years to get my grandmother to leave her house in Chicago.. The one he grew up in and she had lived in since 1939. She moaned and complained for years she was lonely because all of her friends had died and she expected to stay in that house until she died. Finally my dad and his brother convinced her to move to ATL where my Uncle had a rental property she could move in to. Dad contacted the manager of her local bank branch to refer a real estate person and help sell the house. Grandma's local bank manager went out of the way to help a 80+ lady who had been a customer for 60 years. Grandma has been living in ATL for 6 years, no longer has to shovel snow to leave the house, walks to volunteer at the local soup kitchen everyday, been mugged twice and will tell you see expects to live until she's 100 (she's 88) and it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't.

So, point of the story.. even tho my Grandma fought kicking and screaming to leave the family house, she is so happy she did now. A whole new lease on life. Keep that in the back of your head when you deal with all this.

Best of luck.
posted by freeflytim at 7:46 PM on December 4, 2006

My mother (widowed about a year and a half) didn't really consider moving until a house went up for sale near her grandkids. The house isn't on the market anymore, but my mom was really able to visualize living somewhere else and is now committed to moving.

There are people who will help with the estate sale. IIRC, the local Christian sharing center will run my mom's estate sale for a cut of the proceeds. I think my mom also intends to donate to the center everything that doesn't sell.

My mom is trying to trim out stuff every month. She'll tackle a room at a time, and then return for another round. And then another round. Usually, she gives me a call to come over to take what I want, evaulate what is crap (Dad was a packrat) and what she should keep (this was especially important when we went through the garage). Maybe this is something your brothers can help with every other weekend or so.
posted by Sangre Azul at 8:20 PM on December 4, 2006

Same story here -- my mom's in the family house, has been widowed a year and a half. My mom's not ready to sell yet, but I am hoping that she will be ready within 5 years from now. She's (thank the goddesses) not a pack rat, so it won't be too hard for her to move out. But it's the same thing -- the house is really starting to look run down.

I think helping her with clearing out one area at a time is a great idea. Family can help by coming by with a truck, or hiring a service (e.g. 1-800-GOT-JUNK or equivalent), to come by to take stuff away, to the dump, Goodwill, wherever.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:46 PM on December 4, 2006

Same situation for me 10 years ago. We had a garage sale for the useful stuff but we got rid of the majority of junk in a rented a 30-cubic-yard dumpster that stayed in the driveway for 2 weeks. The people who bought the house were quite surprised that we got rid of everything by the closing date -- they said they fully expected that we would have to delay it.
posted by EiderDuck at 6:02 AM on December 5, 2006

Give her something positive to look forward to.

Check out condos in her area, and see if there's anything that might be a good match for her. If you want her to live close to you, check out what's available nearby, and bring her on a trip to see it.

My Mom is in "Independent Living" which is expensive and depressing. I'm really thankful that she made the choice to clean out & sell the house, but, jeez, it's a storage facility for worn-out humans, and that fact is hard to disguise. (YMMV) If your Mom is religious, there might be an Old "Your Religion Here" Home of some sort where she would be happy.

Meanwhile, visit from time to time, and see if you can clean out a room or a corner while you're there. But it's her home and her stuff, so that may not work out. There are services, like professional organizers, or estate sale organizers, who can help.
posted by theora55 at 7:16 AM on December 5, 2006

If your only reason is because of the declining value of the house, then don't do it. Makes you look like you're angling for more money (value) when she dies.

However if the house is an actual financial burden (ie: It's becoming dangerous to live in, or heating/cooling it is costing more than she can afford) then you've got a big problem. If she's anything like my mother she thinks she could drop dead at any moment (though she's in good health and could easily live another 30 years) so she's not going to be willing to make any changes for her self.

What I would suggest is that if you and your siblings have a good relationship with your mother, you use guilt. I hate to say that, but it's really the only thing that works on my mother any more.

Make her feel that it would make you and your brothers very happy to move her into a more comfortable place, a new place, within a couple blocks of one of your brothers. (Because you worry about her, and if she gets ill you want to have her close, and closer to the hospital.) And it would be a more modern place with air conditioning so she would be more comfortable in the winter, and no stairs to climb, etc etc.

And then go out and actually rent the place. Once you're paying for it, she'll move.

But she probably won't be as happy as she would be in the house.

As for getting rid of the junk:
The stuff that is actually junk, I completely recommend 1-800-got-junk. Best money I spent when I moved out of the country.
But for everything else: They're her memories, her heirlooms and her special treasures from her whole life. Yeah, even the piles of crap you think is junk. Put it in storage. Your mom will likely never take anything out of it, but it will give her huge piece of mind knowing its still there.
posted by Ookseer at 8:34 AM on December 5, 2006

However if the house is an actual financial burden (ie: It's becoming dangerous to live in, or heating/cooling it is costing more than she can afford) then you've got a big problem.

That's one of my biggest concerns. My mother is in her mid-fifties and the money from the estate has to keep her going indefinitely. Property taxes, heating, repairs and everything else add up. I'm arranging to talk to the bank to find out if there's a potential crisis brewing or not.

And I didn't even think about the safety issues. The back porch is falling apart, there's mold in places and who knows what sort of other structural problems there are. She also insists on doing things like shoveling snow herself.

Maybe I'll look at some sort of home inspection, maybe having some concrete numbers on the state of things might help mom realize things are going downhill.
posted by Tilon at 12:35 PM on December 5, 2006