Delivery guy faux pas

December 4, 2006 3:12 PM

Help! I offended the water delivery guy! What is the most polite behavior I can show toward people doing physical labor for me? All kinds of class / race / and other social issues inside.

I was trying to be friendly to the water delivery guy today and I think I ended up offending him. Looking back now I realize that I was a total idiot for saying what I said.

This is the second month that I've received delivery of five 50 lb. water cooler bottles of water. Last month they were delivered by maybe the biggest, strongest guy I've ever seen. He carried one in each hand as easily as I would carry two gallons of milk. But today the guy who came was just a normal looking guy, and those things are heavy. I greeted him and handed him the empties, then he started unloading the bottles. It takes a couple of minutes to unload five fifty pound bottles of water and flip one of them onto the water cooler, and I felt a little uncomfortable just standing there watching him work. The thing is, I feel uncomfortable whenever people are "serving" me, because I always think that they're going to think that I think I'm better than them, when in fact I feel that work of this sort is one of the most honest, respectable kinds there is.

So anyway, I tried to be friendly and make small talk and I said something stupid. I said, "Man, I don't know how you do that all day." What I meant by this was something like: "My, you work very hard. How difficult and admirable!" He paused just a moment too long then said that one grows accustomed to it, it's part of life, and that when he first started he didn't know how he would do it either. At that point I knew I'd made him uncomfortable but I hadn't had the time to process exactly why, so I tried to recover in a way that I think made it even worse. I said "Well, at least you'll be in great shape by the time you're through with it." I knew from his face then that that was totally the wrong thing to say, but he was done with what he was doing and sort of nodded and was saying good bye so I just tipped him and said happy holidays and he made a quick exit.

I've been thinking (too much, most likely, as I tend to do) about this all day, and I think I've figured out kind of what I did wrong. As far as I can tell, this was a case of a totally sheltered white girl who doesn't even have to work and is free to take care of her baby and persue her personal interests all day drawing attention to the fact that the black man who was serving her (I feel so sick about this, because I feel like it's made much worse by the race element), is doing uncomfortable work, then going on to imply that this work, which he may very well consider a good job, is a temporary gig that he'll be through with sometime soon. It reflected a total failure to see a world where people do what they have to do because they have to do it, where life is hard and so on.

I just feel sick about this even though he'd probably forgotten about it by the time he finished his next delivery. But now I don't know what I should do. I may not even see this person again, as so far two deliveries have been made by two different people. And if I do, I think it would be really weird to appologize a month later. So I just want to know, what should I do when I get my next delivery? Should I just stand there and watch them work? Should I make small talk but just not be such an idiot about it? Please help me not be a naive jerk!

posted by textilephile to human relations (35 comments total)

It's a learning experience. We all say stupid things as we flail our way through life; the difference between you and a complacent idiot who never learns anything is that you realize you put your foot in it and the resulting bad feelings will help protect you against similar mistakes next time. (Note that besides class/race issues, there's also a gender issue: women are often bad at making small talk with guys doing work, partly from lack of practice and partly from justified nervousness about being perceived as "coming on" to them. As a guy, I've had lots of practice; if I wanted to make small talk in that circumstance, I'd probably say "How about those [insert appropriate sports team]?" and if he just grunted, I'd wander off and do something else.)

All that said, it's really not worth making yourself sick over. It was a minor faux pas, you've learned from it, now have a bubble bath and/or a drink and move on. And ferchrissake don't apologize to the poor guy! He's suffered enough!

Should I just stand there and watch them work?

Probably not, especially given how nervous the situation makes you; go do something else. But do offer them coffee/water/soda first.
posted by languagehat at 3:24 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Languagehat makes some good points. And I wouldn't apologize. However, was there anything appealing enough about his customer service that you could send a note to the company, saying what a good job he did?
posted by acoutu at 3:28 PM on December 4, 2006

I felt a little uncomfortable just standing there watching him work

Then don't just stand there and watch him work. Go about your business--you do have things to do, right?--and let him go about his.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:30 PM on December 4, 2006

I think the problem is that you think that they are 'serving' you, while in fact you are a means for their employment. It's an honest transaction, and it's a job. Don't apologize, you have already learnt what can be learnt from this encounter, and the next time you are faced with a similar situation, instead of drawing attention or dwelling on the disparity (which would come across as condescension), offer some tea or something.
posted by dhruva at 3:30 PM on December 4, 2006

(or, what languagehat said)
posted by dhruva at 3:31 PM on December 4, 2006

I appreciate your labour! The sacrifices of the proletariat enable the excesses of the bourgeoisie!

*Confessor shakes his head*

Don't beat yourself up. You weren't being deliberately patronizing, and it's impossible to account for everyone else's life journey. The best you can hope for, especially when working across class and/or cultural lines, is the following:

1) Never intend to give offense.

2) When you believe you have, simply apologize.

Don't dwell too much on which happened today, and don't let it keep you from engaging other people who provide the services on which you rely - even if only for a cursory greeting or compliment. Your comportment is your responsibility; theirs is their own.
posted by The Confessor at 3:41 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

He's heard the same thing and worse, many times. Stop torturing yourself and drop it. Really.

Next time, just be doing something else. Read a book, fuss with small pieces of paper, write a list, anything. Offer water/soda. Thank him graciously and show him out.
posted by desuetude at 3:42 PM on December 4, 2006

I agree with everyone that you should just move on, but if you insist on regaining a few karma points, call the service and commend them for their excellent delivery workers.
posted by jmgorman at 3:45 PM on December 4, 2006

What you said was ambiguous, and he interpreted it in the negative sense that you didn't mean. So while the onus is on you to not allow such ambiguity to effectively put a foot in your mouth, it's not entirely your fault - at the extreme, there are some people that you really have to watch what you say with because their mentality is to find (ie manufacture) some hidden insult and assume that that is what was meant.

So don't feel too awful about it - he too played a role in incorrectly taking offense. Your error was allowing it in the first place, not causing it in the first place.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:49 PM on December 4, 2006

I said "Well, at least you'll be in great shape by the time you're through with it."

Through with what, working? This is the man's job. It might be transitional, but I don't think you can make that assumption. He might be "through with it" when he's 65 years old (or older) and retired. You made the point that it was a bad assumption, but I think it bears repeating. I'm personally a software developer and I've heard comments like "wow, I bet you're really good with computers!" Well yeah, in some ways, I'm pretty good. But isn't that an obvious side effect of sitting in front of a screen eight hours a day?

Treat everyone who you pay for a service the same way: an accountant, a water delivery person, a doctor, a lawyer, whatever. Obviously some will have more specific skills or level of creativity and thought in the work, but everyone is worthy of respect.
posted by mikeh at 3:55 PM on December 4, 2006

This is the man's job. It might be transitional, but I don't think you can make that assumption.

I think she gets that. Ergo, the whole "feeling bad" part in paragraph 5.

It would be very, very difficult to extricate yourself from this verbal corner you've painted yourself into without making things worse. Don't, for example, apologize for your assumption about the temporariness of the position next time you see him. I'd suggest either tipping him more the next time he delivers, or doing what jmgorman suggested and calling the company to mention what a great job he did. If it were me, I'd go with option one. Because frankly, if I were in his shoes I wouldn't care very much about what people thought, but would certainly like to have some extra spending cash in my pocket. The fact that it comes from "some rich white chick that's never worked a hard day in their life" (pick your own choice of negative attitudes) doesn't really matter.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:13 PM on December 4, 2006

Do you think you may get the same delivery man again? Because if that was a possibility, I would have a token Christmas gift ready as a tip. (Like a coffee shop gift card, or some chocolates.) If he indeed does remember your remark from the month before, he'll quickly forget if you give him a little gift. And you can use the holidays as an excuse!

Unfortunately, you didn't mean to offend, but he may have taken offence. It happens.
posted by typewriter at 4:18 PM on December 4, 2006

what you said was completely and utterly harmless small talk. The term "through with it" was a little vague, but if he can't shrug off such an obviously innocent remark he must be almost constantly offended.

Or, more likely, he was never offended at all and it was all in your head.

There is no need to tiptoe around people because they are a different race or do a different kind of work than you. If your tone is friendly, most people will be perfectly cool with whatever you might say in the course of casual conversation and won't hyper-analyze every word looking for offense. However, some people in all walks of life are easily offended, or just jerks. There's nothing you can do about that.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:21 PM on December 4, 2006

The problem is in your own head. This is a person, and you were speaking to him. He answered you, and did so honestly, and gave you a glimpse at a different part of the American class system. For a moment you two were relating to each other across class boundaries, which is perhaps the last real taboo left in American society.

Perhaps your discomfort with those class issues is the real story here. Could it stand some more healthy examination?
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:21 PM on December 4, 2006 [3 favorites]

I think you are overthinking it. You acknowledged that his job is difficult, but in a light, friendly way. He answered sincerely. I too find this kind of awkward small talk uncomfortable, and always second-guess myself, but I think this was harmless.

You never know -- maybe he feels bad for you because you're stuck in an office (or what have you) all day.

I think the idea of a gift of some kind to allay your discomfort is a little condescending. I would accept that you are just two people who are more alike than different, and behave as his equal.
posted by loiseau at 4:26 PM on December 4, 2006

textilephile - you're sweet. Don't worry so much.
I say idiotic things all day I am afraid and I have to just laugh it off- hopefully while the victim is still there. I say "sorry - i'm an idiot".

One time time in a very tiny break room at work (2 couches - about 7 people)we was talking about things costing an arm and a leg and went to a very unnecessary "I'll be needing that arm" joke while a coworker was in the room who had lost an arm in an accident. I didnt even realize it until I left the room.

It could be WAAAAY worse.
posted by beccaj at 4:48 PM on December 4, 2006

I guess this must be the burden of a totally sheltered white girl who doesn't even have to work.

I was a waitress for 20 years and I have heard it all. It seems that the server is just doing his or her job, basically trying to make a living, not looking at you in awe, because you are being serverd. You are the one who makes yourself different from the delivery man. When I was waiting tables, most people were nice and obviously they didn't feel weird about being served, it was my job, they did their job and I was doing mine.

We're all just people, no one is better that anyone else because of what they do for a living. You should reflect on your thoughts about people who are different form you.
posted by starfish at 4:59 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm feeling much better after The Confessor and beccaj's comments literally made me laugh out loud. Ikkyu2 is right, I know this is largely due to my discomfort about class issues, but I don't really know what to do about it apart from looking for "my new manual laboring friend" a la Stephen Colbert. There is so much good advice here, and I think I'm going to exploit the best answer system to its fullest. For the people suggesting that I do something else while he's unloading: wouldn't it be rude to just leave him working there and ignore him? Should I go away then come back to show him out? But he'll only be there for a couple of minutes so that wouldn't really make sense. Maybe I could do something in the general vicinity that keeps my hands busy but leaves me free to talk to him and see when he's ready to leave and everything. This is a simple thing and I realize that it's ridiculous to be thinking so much about this and planning what I should do to keep myself busy while the water delivery guy is here, but I'm sure by tomorrow I won't be thinking like that any more. Oh, and I did give him a good tip I think, but I don't like to think of the idea of giving him money or a gift to buy karma so to speak. I do always try to tip well, but I want to do it because I appreciate people's work, not because I want to buy karma.
posted by textilephile at 5:05 PM on December 4, 2006

For what it's worth, I don't see anything offensive in what you said. Small talk is awkward, but I don't think you were being anything but friendly.
posted by mckenney at 5:31 PM on December 4, 2006

So I just want to know, what should I do when I get my next delivery?

Maybe try not seeing him as "the guy who has to deliver my water" and seeing him as another working person with whom you interact on a regular basis. What kind of small talk do you make with your doctor or your accountant? That's what you should be aiming for here.

I also think that tone makes a big difference in these situations. Casual and friendly says, "we're peers," whereas apologetic and awkward (what it sounds like you maybe struck accidentally) says, "I'm embarrassed for you."
posted by chickletworks at 5:54 PM on December 4, 2006

Your dialogue reminds me of myself. I also tend to over-think things, as well as get other notions (race, gender issues, manners, etc.) swirling around in my head. Lots of great advice here, so the only thing I'll offer is... If you're still feeling a bit, "off", then the next time he delivers water, talk to the guy. Offer him some coffee, let him know you didn't mean to offend. And get to know him a little.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 7:26 PM on December 4, 2006

Delivery people (from my own experience) get inured to the bumbling small talk of their customers. They are in and out of a hundred houses a day and they are generally not thinking about the woman that stands there awkwardly while they hoist 5 gallon water bottles. Some are super-friendly, others just want to get the day over with. Feel free to keep your small talk simple, with a genuine smile, thank you, have a nice day or whatever.

He may remember the comment but unless he is harboring some serious issues I'll bet he is remembering other, stranger things people do while he are in their kitchen. I think a gift would be inappropriate.

Really, most people do just stand there and watch you work.
posted by bobobox at 8:16 PM on December 4, 2006

while he are is in their kitchen
posted by bobobox at 8:25 PM on December 4, 2006

what? you tipped him? that probably made him pretty happy. if you were planning on tipping him from the get go, then you probably rank pretty high in his book.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 8:49 PM on December 4, 2006

in fact I feel that work of this sort is one of the most honest, respectable kinds there is.

This is a really nice sentiment, and I feel bad for impinging on something like this that was so genuinely given, but, perhaps you could be romanticizing his work a little too much? Putting someone on a pedestal creates just as much distance as looking down on them. If you want to be able to relate to him, maybe it would be helpful to keep in mind that "he's just a man doing his job, and I'm just a woman doing mine."

Also, I think that the advice to reflect upon your situation was well advised, but in some ways incomplete-- in some ways, you are reflecting far too much-- to the point where you are now preplanning the minutiae of your next interaction with the delivery man. Reflection as I understand it implies a detachment from your own preoccupations and a rising above them.

So, as more concrete advice, maybe you could try more of a zen-like "detachment" from the implications of "class" and your conception of it. Just clear your mind and allow yourself to be yourself around him.

By the way, I hope some of this (not my comment specifically, but everything here) is helpful to you-- there really is an awful paradox in instructing somebody that they should "act natural."
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 8:53 PM on December 4, 2006

When I was in college, I used to pay my bills by delivering pizzas. One night I delivered pizzas to a couple of frat boys.

The guy paying me was a little drunk and feeling friendly. "It sure must suck to be a pizza guy," he commiserated with me and tipped me decently.

In my opinion, as far as faux pas go, yours doesn't really register.
posted by rks404 at 8:58 PM on December 4, 2006

Ikkyu2 is right, I know this is largely due to my discomfort about class issues

For what it's worth, I share your discomfort - I didn't mean to suggest that you were wrong or alone in feeling this way.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:31 PM on December 4, 2006

Why do you feel a need to be present? Personally, if I'm carrying fifty pound bags of rock through someone's garage (which I did last week), I'd rather they go away than hover over me with a need to feel supportive. People doing physical labor are just doing a job. It doesn't necessarily mean that they come from a different class or are less intelligent, or unrefined in some way. Or that their job is in some way more elevated and noble in some sort of romantically antiquated way. I work as a landscaper because I'm really good at it, I get to work outside, have a huge degree of autonomy and creative control, and work with fantastic people. (Oh, and I get to eat a lot of fresh raspberries and tomatoes and picnic on shady lawns at lunch.) Get over thinking that manual labor is only done by people who don't have the opportunities to do something else, and I'm sure the conversation will flow with less difficulty.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:53 PM on December 4, 2006

I know you're focusing on physical labor specifically so my point will be slightly off. I haven't had any physical labor jobs, but I have worked in the service industry. A few things I noticed...

Many customers will not look you in the eye and will instead treat the transaction in a speedy mechanical way. I always appreciated those customers who looked me in the eye like a human being, and said "thank you" and "I would like". Oh how I hated, the "yeah, gimmie one of those and one of those".

Stolen from who-knows-where-else: service-industry folks are servers, not servants. In the same vein, try to treat all people as equals.

If I'm at a movie theatre and some clichéd Simpsons-esque zitty kid is selling my ticket, I'll say, "thank you, sir". He's much younger than me... but I think the thing with respect is that you're taking the effort to treat another with dignity.

As a youngling, I'd think of "thank you's" and "sirs" as obsequious, but now I perceive it as more of a way to pleasantly surprise someone with your lack of impudence.

And hey, you're stuck at home or in an office. He's getting paid to exercise and move around all day. Maybe he should be embarrassed for you?
posted by umlaut at 11:21 PM on December 4, 2006

MetaFilter: The sacrifices of the proletariat enable the excesses of the bourgeoisie.

But in seriousness, you shouldn't worry to much about it. In fact, it was less offensive than you just making awkward small talk.
posted by matkline at 7:10 AM on December 5, 2006

Talk to him like you would any other person? "hey, how you doing," and "thanks so much" or small talk about the weather are really all I would expect you to say.
posted by agregoli at 7:19 AM on December 5, 2006

He probably forgot about it as soon as he walked out the door - you can too.

We all say silly stuff sometimes - curse your humanity and move on.
posted by penguin pie at 8:43 AM on December 5, 2006

Honestly, I had to read that twice to figure out what was so awful about what you said. I didn't take "through with it" to be disrespecting his job ~ most people are "through with" a job at some point, and that isn't a value judgment. I have said to our water delivery guy "I don't know how you carry that stuff, it's so heavy!!" -- I'm pretty sure he just takes it as an acknowledgement that those things are heavy as hell.

I have never thought of the water guy as "serving me" - he's just doing a job, the same as I'm doing my job by sitting in my office. I usually greet him with a big smile and a "hey, how's it going?" and I don't think he pays the slightest bit of attention to what I'm doing while he's bringing in the water. When he leaves, I say "thanks! see 'ya next time."

People are people are people. I would say to treat everyone you meet with respect. I treat most strangers the same - polite, a bit friendly (not to mean cold, but not overly familiar either), and just generally using the good manners rules.

You encounter all kinds of people every day, and you'll never be able to understand the circumstances of each one's life, and if you overthink by trying to figure it out you'll just go crazy. (I have a friend who is a mulit-multi-millionaire trust fund kid -- and he has a service oriented job that doesn't pay much. I say this just to illustrate my point here.)
posted by KAS at 2:02 PM on December 5, 2006

Apparently beccaj and I were separated at birth! I was talking to a really good friend at work one day, a sweeter person you'll never find. I'm 26 and she's 50 so there is a generation gap which always makes our convos interesting. Anyway, one day we were talking about casinos and how they have all these gimmicks: Ladies Night, Men's Night, etc. Without a though I bust out with "Yeah, next thing you'll know they'll have 'Left Arm Night.' All ya have to have is a left arm to win tonite!" Nothing meant by it, just a random, thoughtless comment trying to get a laugh. With a terse laugh she goes, "You do know my mom was born without a left arm, right?"

Oy. So uh, don't think faux paus are your department solely!

For the record, we're still buddies and she accepts that I'm a stupid kid who said something ignorant to get a laugh. Luckily for me.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:48 PM on December 5, 2006

I'm not one to brush this off so lightly. From his reaction, he obviously heard what you hadn't meant to say, that he wasn't the finest specimen of water-hoisting manliness you'd laid eyes on recently. As a one-off comment that's not bad, but if he regularly mixes routes with the linebacker, he's probably fairly used to it. And by that, I mean resigned to it.

It can't hurt to apologize. Well I guess it could, you could put your foot even further in your mouth, but the chances of that are... well, it's worth a try anyway. If you see him again, just confess how silly you felt after last time, then ask him what sort of other wacky customer behavior he's seen. If you can get him talking about other less-than-elegant things people have done or said, it's a chance to share a laugh.

With the holidays approaching, having a gift handy wouldn't be inappropriate. We always get a big batch of date-nut bread going around this time, and Fred (our UPS guy) gets a loaf if we can get him to stand still long enough to run grab it. Even if you don't get the same delivery person next time, a personal thank-you in addition to the regular tip will firmly establish you as one of the sought-after stops on the route. Once you've achieved "nice lady" status around the depot, engaging the delivery folk in pleasant conversation will be easier.

You might want to read Rudyard Kipling's thoughts on water carriers. ;)
posted by Myself at 8:46 PM on December 5, 2006