if it breaks again i'll never fix it

November 29, 2006 9:47 PM

Help me not to fall in love with this man (yet). There's a little bit...

Background: I am a single girl looking to get married (eventually). I have a good amount of dating experience, but have only ever loved one man. As in truly, madly, deeply desired wanted to be together forever love. That relationship ended badly, for various reasons. Towards the end, I grew progressively more attached and he grew more and more distant, which maddeningly seemed to deepen my want for him... we've all been there in one way or another, you get the idea. The most painful experience of my life (so far).

I finally left this man some time ago with what remained of my dignity and sanity. I revived old friendships, rediscovered a few things, had quite a few girls nights out, and spent quite a few nights at home alone crying and writing bad poetry.

After (a long) time and a bit of rebound dating, the pain began to subside noticeably. A small part of me will always miss how good it was when it was good, but trustme when I say I am over this man and am ready to move on.

--------------

Now here's where the problem begins. I met a man. The problem is, he's perfect. We met for a brief moment and exchanged numbers a week before thanksgiving. He started calling me twice a day. Since we were both travelling out of state for Thanksgiving, we had a lot of time to talk and get to know eachother over the phone. We've had two dates since we got back.

The chemistry, conversation, # of things we have in common, and everything else so far is incredible. He says things to me like "I have a confession to make...I have an enormous crush on you." Or when I asked him what he had done that day, he told me he had spent the day dreaming of ways to get me to fall in love with him....

All of this leads to the fact that I AM quite surely falling in love, I can feel it. And I'm scared as hell. And he's making it hard not to. I just feel like I need to be much safer feeling before it would be wise to let myself fallin love.

I need concrete ways and suggestions to protect myself and delay the onset of serious feelings. I feel as if I have to go through what I went through with my last relationship again, I'll just crumble. Things are too good to be true at the moment and I don't want it to explode in my face.

I want to continue with him but how can I delay falling for him until I've had some serious time? Psychological tricks, etc..

posted by skjønn to human relations (32 comments total)

Delay the onset of serious feelings? Psychological tricks etc?

These things you are asking for are not healthy things.
posted by rokusan at 9:57 PM on November 29, 2006

Think about old wrinkled nuns or piles of stinking garbage.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:03 PM on November 29, 2006 [3 favorites]

Well, I am certainly no expert in these matters, but if I were you, I'd be worried that....what if you succeed? What if this is a guy you could make a life with, and you manage to talk yourself out of what you feel for him? Doesn't that worry you too? I had a similar experience- I met a girl at the end of high school, and she and I got along incredibly well-enjoyed each others' company, had very similar political views, similar spiritual views, and there was an attraction between us. She never made a move, and I (who am admittedly a total wimp when it comes to the fairer sex) was nervous about making a move, and convinced myself not to because I was about to move away to college. So I was able to talk myself out of it- and that was a dumb move. To this day, I have never met a girl who I've had as instant and intense a connection with. In fact, I'm still terrible about approaching girls, but if I meet one who I have that kind of chemistry with again, I won't be shy.

It seems to me that at some point you have to acknowledge that there is always a possibility a relationship will end in heartbreak; that doesn't mean one shouldn't pursue them.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 10:06 PM on November 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

You're afraid of the risk involved, no? Well, unfortunately, that's part of the deal. You can break it off with him right now; you can sabotage this relationship before it gets started; but why would you want to do these things? You don't get to mininize risk and fall in love at the same time. If you fall in love with him, then that's what happens; it's something you ought to enjoy while it lasts, not live in fear for its possible collapse. If the relationship collapses, it collapses. Your life will move on, just as it did after your last relationship. It'll hurt for awhile, but it'll go on afterwards. Unless you put a stop to this before it starts. I hear convents are huge nowadays.
posted by smorange at 10:08 PM on November 29, 2006

You're a romantic person, and that means you get to experience the highest highs and the lowest lows of human emotion. (I consider this a good thing, as the alternative is a very steady, middle-of-the-road numbness.) I don't recommend doing anything to dull the feelings you're having right now. There needs to be the possibility of pain and rejection, it's a natural complement to the pleasure of falling for someone new.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Believe me, people are never so broken that they can't be fixed. You've done some good things since your breakup, including making friends and strengthening bonds to family. These people who care about you will be there for you when you're low.

Remember to always care for yourself, grow and nourish yourself as a person. It sounds like your nature is to depend on a romantic relationship as almost life-supporting. While I stand by what I said above, the love of someone else should probably not be your only motivation in life. Love is a fickle thing and it doesn't always last. Don't let it be the only thing you have, because if it leaves you, you are left with nothing.

Take a risk and just go for it. :) Good luck!
posted by knave at 10:11 PM on November 29, 2006

If you start delaying things now, how will you know when you're ready? Are you even sure you'll ever get to this state of 'feeling safer'? Just go for it.
posted by number9dream at 10:17 PM on November 29, 2006

Why would anyone not want to love and be loved? It sounds like a good deal. That phase of phone calls and crushes and early dates and swapping stories -- it's fun, about as fun as you can get. If it's right, then echoes of that sweetness stay with you for a long time.

Just enjoy it and trust yourself. What do you think, God will strike you down with misery for the sin of enjoying yourself? Nah. Relax.
posted by argybarg at 10:41 PM on November 29, 2006

I hear a few things in your question that concern me.

First, you have a penchant for falling hard and falling fast and becoming completely enraptured with the person you're with. That's a good thing, sure. Romance is great. Emotions are great. Relationships are great. But not when they're all-encompassing and all-consuming. It sounds like your last relationship brought up some significant issues of attachment and need. The part that sounds kinda bad is where you say the more he pulled away, you wanted more. And the truly, madly, deeply part. And the forever thing. There's something about your speaking about this ex that makes it sound like the relationship was unhealthy. I'm not saying he beat you or manipulated you, just thinking that maybe that relationship wasn't entirely healthy for you, which you seem to confirm by the fact that the break-up resulted in you reconnecting with old friends and old hobbies and basically getting your life back. When people talk like that, it raises some red flags to me. Love and romance is one thing, but obsession and attachment are another. Dropping other interests and the rest of your life when you get into a relationship might not be the best thing.

Thing is, this guy is playing right in to your penchant for falling hard and fast. He's aggresively courting you, and it's working, because you love love. Those lines about "I have a crush on you" and "I've been dreaming about how to get you to fall in love with me" are great lines. But they're lines. That's it. He probably means them. Sure. But he's also said them before. And you've heard them before, too, haven't you?

You said:
I just feel like I need to be much safer feeling before it would be wise to let myself fallin love.

Are you serious about this? If you are, I'd suggest a therapist. I'm guessing you're young, I'm guessing you've got some stuff about guys to work through, and I'm guessing that that ex of yours may have left you a little more beaten up than you think. You're worried about the risk involved in falling for a guy. When you're worried about something like that, it usually means you're still too vulnerable to let yourself open up. So chill out with the dude, let him know what's up, for God's sake don't sleep with him, and go find a good shrink to talk to about relationships and your family and all that stuff. Seriously, glancing back at your last posts, it sounds like you're a deep thinker who really analyzes this kind of stuff and would gain a lot from talking to someone who can help out in this area.
posted by incessant at 10:45 PM on November 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

I have this, but bad. I've not succeeded in reducing the feelings, but what I would plan to do, if I wasn't happily married and I was dating, is I would set myself some safe and realistic guidelines maybe like:
*Don't sleep with the bloke on the first date. In fact, hold off until the Xth date.
*Don't say "I love you" as soon as I think I do, because it might be infatuation. Hold off until we've been sleeping together 6 months.
*Don't talk about marriage as if it were a foregone conclusion, especially not from the 2nd date. Wait until a year is up before even broaching the subject, because how the hell can you know if you want to spend forever with someone until you've experienced every dreadful sentimental holiday with them. In fact, make it 15 months, because then you get past the sentimentality of that first anniversary.
*Don't give into kinky sexual requests just because you want to impress him, especially not in the first two weeks, because for some reason that causes some blokes to lose respect for you.
*If you find yourself mooning over him, go for a swim or some strenous exercise, and remind yourself what an independent strong willed and intelligent woman you are, capable of deep relationships but also capable of resisting infatuations.
*Make a list of things that your girlfriends do that make you sick when they are newly in love, and choose not to do them.

Good luck.
posted by b33j at 10:58 PM on November 29, 2006 [5 favorites]

If you are worried about things moving too fast, then focus on what you DO, rather than how you FEEL. Make a deal with yourself to try not to have sex before X number of dates, or not saying "I love you" for at least X length of time - whatever event you feel puts the relationship into the scary/serious territory. If the guy is as fantastic as he sounds, he will understand your hesitation. You can talk yourself out of actions, but I have not once succeded in talking my heart out of feeling.

Personal anecdote - I too had my heart broken terribly by the first guy I believed I could end up marrying. After much moping, I decided to play the field for a while and just have fun. I made a new guy friend during my bar-hopping frenzy, and long story short we ended up in a serious relationship very quickly. I wanted things to start slowly because, like you, I was terrified of being hurt again since my ex had dumped me only a few months prior. I tried to take it slow, but ultimately my heart beat out my brain - and it was okay. Two years later we are living together happily.

Sometimes you just have to be reckless and leap into a relationship even if you feel you aren't ready. The alternative is to wallow in the past and let your ex control your future. Proceed with caution, but proceed nonetheless.
posted by gatorae at 11:00 PM on November 29, 2006

Enjoying the emotional rush of a new love doesn't mean you have to turn off your mind. Ideally, the interest of your heart should also stimulate your mind, and you can actively investigate what you find fascinating about this man, when you should most have his permission and assistance to do so.

Now is the time to meet his oldest friends, and learn about him through their eyes, too. Now is the time to find out about his failed loves and what happened to those relationships. Now is the time to see how life has informed your new man's wisdom, and how he is succeeding or failing in all areas of his life. Is he on track with his education? If not, why not, and what's his educational plan for himself? Is he making reasonable financial decisions in life? Is he truly someone who would make an admirable and trustworthy life partner, because of his demonstrated judgement and skills? Can he cook, sew, iron, garden, repair machinery, heal skinned knees? Does he have a reasonable and humane philosophical core that he truly believes and by which he tries to live? Is he loyal? Is he brave? Is he clean? Does he read decent literature? Does he know music (not just the lyrics to rock songs)? And is he a genuine student of life and a teacher of virtue himself?

Once you've done the basic investigations of him that seem prudent, and survived his initial investigations of you, if the attraction is still mutual, and deepened, and still enjoyable, you can move on to advanced topics. Like how he gets along in his birth family, and what he thinks of politics and religion. You can't gloss over this stuff, but too many young people do, mainly because they feel that they themselves are likely to fail close inspection of their own family relationships, and immature passions and politics. But much can be learned in the uncomfortable moments of meeting his mother and father, and hearing about his boyhood from his siblings. If you want a sobering thought to hold in any intense moments in the next weeks, imagine his mother and father looking you both over in those moments. That ought to help stem any too heady emotional rushes.

Many young guys are also very emotional and even needy in matters of love. This article in Psychiatric Times discusses some societal issues of young men in Western cultures, which more young women ought to bear in mind:

"A frequent male experience in industrialized societies is psychological abandonment due to cultural pressure for young boys to separate from their mothers, while girls can continue to be part of the "kitchen" in the maternal world. As mothers push their young sons away to learn their "maleness," there is usually neither a father nor any other male to mentor the boy. The main defensive reaction of the discarded boy is detachment from the needy self inside, and donning a mask for an invulnerable man."

There are often several transference mechanisms going on in the minds and hearts of young men, and they speak of "needing a girl to save them" or "feeling empty" or "true love." The radio waves have been full of this teen male angst for the last 3/4 of a century, and we'd be better off as a society if more young women understood maternal abandonment and transference issues in young men. And it's equally true that young Western women have transference issues of their own as they move from their birth families to life situations of their own choosing in early adulthood. So, it would be good if you got a handle on how "needy" he is, and how much "protection" you are looking for, that may be mainly parental transference issues for each of you, before getting too swept off your feet for one another. Because it's one thing to enjoy the rush of young love, and quite another to be blinded to life issues in the rush of emotion.

In older and simpler times, people had the structure of community and family relationships to help guide them in important life choices early on. Today's greater social freedom comes at the sacrifice of such structure, and a great deal more pressure on the individual for making wise choices. Borrow, if you can, from your grandmother's time, if you need to slow things down a bit. Take yourselves to church, even if it's just a free thinker's Unitarian church, and see if the boy can hold a hymnal and sing harmony on a Sunday morning. Do some volunteer work together, and see if he looks good in altruistic sweat. Get him around your friends, and see if he can be gentleman when they are not quite ladies.

Cads will out, if you give them time. And good men age as well as fine wine. There's no hurry, but the one you make. Recognize that, and much of the pressure you are feeling may drop away as you give yourself time to really know the man, and let him come to know you.
posted by paulsc at 11:14 PM on November 29, 2006 [10 favorites]

Things like falling in love don't happen on schedule when you've planned them. Nor can you put falling in love on hold. Try to slow up the natural dynamic and, imho, you risk destroying the budding relationship. Forget about 'tricks'; I think you may do best to go wherever this is taking you.
posted by londongeezer at 11:53 PM on November 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

Don't play the same headgames / relationship games 80% of all other women in the world play. Once you start, it becomes a part of your normal behaviour, and it's no fun to be on the receiving end of.

although b33j has a couple of good bits of advice there.
posted by chrissyboy at 12:09 AM on November 30, 2006

I don't think you should resist falling in love but I think you should work to make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Some of what you say makes me think that when you fell head over heels for your ex, you allowed your identity to be subsumed into that relationship to a large extent. You started to define yourself by your love for this person, which meant when the love faded away you lost yourself in the process. When you talk about wanting to feel more safety, perhaps you are trying to find ways to stay more centered and grounded in the midst of your developing feelings for this new man.

I have found that the best way to do this is to hold on to important aspects of your individuality and your existing life. Spend time with your existing friends, with and without your significant other. Keep your existing hobbies and interests alive. Have time apart as well as time together. If you don't do these things, you may find yourself completely consumed by the new relationship, which is when the unhealthier need and attachment dynamics come into play.

This guy sounds like he falls in love hard and fast, and he could have a tendency to get really attached and even needy. You may need to be the one to set healthy relationship boundaries. Focus on the positive things you feel when you spend time with this person. If you catch yourself fixating on negative feelings - like "I could never live without this person" or "I love him so much that fear of him leaving is taking over" - then it's time to take a step back and re-establish yourself. If you have a trusted friend or family member that would understand this, confide in them. An impartial opinion is very helpful in sorting through the crazy headiness of new love.
posted by rhiannon at 12:15 AM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]

it's short and simple. make the decision.
either decide to take the risk, or else just play around the edges.
the best reward is from taking the risk.
if the basic things are there - communication, attraction, and he's not a jerk/unemployed etc, it's fine.
there are no gaurantees, but nothing is as good as this.
it's really hard to meet someone nice and have a connection,
so i recommend to go for it
posted by edtut at 1:43 AM on November 30, 2006

I like rhiannon's advice. Go ahead and fall in love, but keep in close touch with your friends and family. Having a good support system is very important. Once that's in place you'll be able to deal with whatever the relationship brings.
posted by christinetheslp at 1:56 AM on November 30, 2006

Believe me, people are never so broken that they can't be fixed.
posted by knave at 10:11 PM PST on November 29

You cannot be serious. The graves of suicides are filled with people who were so broken that they could not be fixed. Not that the OP is terminally broken, obviously, but I don't think she's completely over her last relationship either.
posted by Violet Hour at 2:04 AM on November 30, 2006

What does safety mean to you?

I think it's too late to avoid "serious feelings." The real problem seems to be a connection of "serious feelings" to "loss of control," which doesn't have to be the case. Make sure to spend some time processing on your own (with a journal, a friend, a therapist), make sure you maintain your pre-love life (with friends and family). The trick is to not give up your identity, as rhiannon said.

I like paulsc's post, but I must take issue with the implicit value judgments in the list in the second paragraph. There are lots of great people out there who don't know how to sew, cook, or heal skinned knees; there's nothing wrong with knowing "just the lyrics to rock songs" (in fact if s/z/he can't belt out "Living on a Prayer" with me I can't see us lasting very long); and there is no "educational track" that we are all supposed to be on—everyone does it a different way and some people get by wonderfully not doing it at all (and lots of people are/were "on track" and turn out to be losers [on the relationship scale] anyhow).

Conversely, "[having] a reasonable and humane philosophical core" and being "someone who would make an admirable and trustworthy life partner, because of his demonstrated judgement and skills" are not quite so optional.
posted by wemayfreeze at 2:37 AM on November 30, 2006

Slow the progression of the relationship down.

Tell him what you told us in this post and explain that you're scared and want to slow things down.

Then take active steps to do so i.e. only go out with thim once or twice a week, continue having those girl nights out, find a new hobby, volunteer somewhere. In short find ways to fill up your time that will give you little time to think about or be with him.


Be warned though: taking this too far could damage the relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:38 AM on November 30, 2006

Do you trust him (yet)? If so, then the answer is simple: talk to him about your fears and your reluctance. If he is even marginally considerate, he will respect your fears and respect you. It should also help open up deeper communication between you, and would that be such a terrible thing?
posted by plinth at 5:07 AM on November 30, 2006

Your story made me weep, skjønn, not just get misty but weep openly and profusely. You've made me remember the women in my life that were not ready or willing to love, for whatever fancy post-modern western reasons.

Animals like us need a warm place to sleep, with someone familiar and dependable.

Skjønn, forgive me being so blunt, but what is your fucking problem? Love is all there is, without love there is only darkness. Make his dreams and yours come true, live a good and happy life, let yourself fall in love.

What have you got against falling in love? It is the only meaningful thing in this ugly world, grab it and cling to it with all the strength you can muster.

Good luck to you, friend.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:10 AM on November 30, 2006 [6 favorites]

I was going to say the same - go for it! Throw caution to the wind! It's love! Love makes no sense and can't be controlled. Why get all jittery now, when it's only a few weeks in? Do you know how many people long for what you have right now? The first throes of OMG-he's-perfect passion will wane all too soon, enjoy it now. Take the ride! Don't listen to these ninnies or your own fears. Etc etc.

But then I remembered how spectacularly badly all my relationships tend to go and resolved to stay the hell out of Dear Aunt AskMe threads.
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:46 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

I think incessant really hits at the core of it. It's clear, in the past, that not only do you throw yourself headlong into romance, but you abandon your normal life when you do.

Don't do this. Don't blow off your friends, or completely re-arrange your life to spend as much time with this new guy.

"he's perfect," you say. He's not. he's human, therefore, imperfect. The rose-colored glasses have yet to come off. He's feeding you lines. Take a step back. Continue your life, as normal, talk with your friends, and continue going out with the girls. This sense of precariousness you're feeling may be that inner voice telling you that you're starting to jettison important parts of your life to be available to him.

Face it, you've had, what, two, three dates, and a lot of phone-time? It's beautiful, but it's not real yet. Go slowly.
posted by canine epigram at 6:50 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

This looks like its going to make me unpopular, but when I read Or when I asked him what he had done that day, he told me he had spent the day dreaming of ways to get me to fall in love with him.... I heard bells-- and not wedding bells. Alarm bells. Proceed with caution.

You have had two dates, you have known each other under a month. He is magically saying the kind of things that few men would say under these circumstances, but you still have to be smart about this. You have no way of really knowing whether is seeing anyone else, you have little context in which to evaluate the truth about his revelations about his own life. And amping up the love stuff is a very convenient way to draw attention away from these sorts of matters. There is nothing more dangerous than a guy who really knows how women's hearts work, especially if they are aware of their own attractiveness and charms. A man is a man is a man. Repeat this to yourself out loud if necessary.

Just like some women, some men are completely in love with the idea of being in love, whether they are prepared to (or even capable of) loving someone at all. And some men unconsciously crank the charm way up because they genuinely love to see women get all lit up, coming alive in the presence of love for maybe even the first time ever. But this does not necessarily mean that they know what to do with a woman once they have totally socked her over the head with their love-hammer. Just because someone knows how to make someone fall in love with them does not mean they know how to be in love.

I would not be writing this now, if it weren't for a good friend of mine. She has made a lifestyle out of being a tough cookie, wise and aloof. She met a guy who disarmingly evaded her sensors and, similar to how you described, immediately began to melt her heart with a romantic intensity that she had thought only existed in movies. One day she came home from work and found the entire sidewalk up the block leading to her house strewn with rose petals. That sort of thing. When he proposed to her, he planned three days worth of activities leading up to it. He created (and paid for) her fantasy wedding. She felt as if all her previous cynicism and caution regarding men had been a cruel trick of her own mind that she had been shaken awake from by this attention from her perfect husband.

It turned out that he had maxed out a dozen credit cards wooing her and paying for the marriage and had barely a cent to his name. And within six months she found out he had been cheating on her the whole time. He seemed to be just as upset as she was, claiming that he would never forgive himself for having betrayed her trust, begging for more chances to prove that his courtship of her had been genuine. To this day he still writes to her and claims he's gotten better and asks her to come back.

I'm not saying your guy is this guy or is anything like this guy. What I'm saying is that until you have spent a lot of time together-- in person-- and met some of his friends, and gotten a feel for who he really is and seen him in the context of his regular life, you would be a fool to let your guard down and open your heart wide to him. Of course love is a gamble, and of course being too cautious means never opening up that far at all-- but you have control over yourself at this point, and a responsibility to yourself, knowing how hard and far you fell last time, to proceed with caution. Because this guy is not proceeding with caution, he is grandly, romantically sweeping off your feet, and so the only person who can look out for you now is you. By presenting possibilities of perfection, he could wind up hurting you worse than any normal less-imaginative clod ever could.

If he's as perfect as you say, you have to be especially careful, because no doubt other women think so too, and I'd be shocked if he wasn't aware of this and didn't rely on it. You need to play your cards carefully here, for your own sake. And if he's as wonderful as you think he is, he will understand completely and be patient. Play your cards close to the table. Good luck!
posted by hermitosis at 7:56 AM on November 30, 2006 [3 favorites]

I have spent the past fifteen minutes scouring the web for a quote from either Alice Walker or Maya Angelou about heartbreak. I feel your short title must be addressed.

Paraphrase: Your heart will break again. No matter what. Whether by this guy, or your child, or your parents, or your government or your neighbor. There is no avoiding it. What you must do is allow that everytime your heart is broken it is always left a little more open by that break. The goal is not a heart clenched shut like a fist, but as hole-y as a net, ready to capture what comes along.

Yes, the original author said it much better.

That being said, if you feel like it's moving a little bit fast, it might be moving a little bit fast. Find out for sure whether the fella is possibly manic. Advice I wished I'd followed on a couple of occassions.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:14 AM on November 30, 2006 [3 favorites]

What hermitosis said ... or, the complete opposite and my own lantern: don't look back thinking, "Oh, the (wo)man I'm not because I was not brave in love."
posted by dobbs at 8:39 AM on November 30, 2006

I agree that caution in this situation is warranted. While there are girls out there who are addicted to the initial, over-the-top feeling of being romanced; so also are there men out there who are addicted to creating this feeling and then as things natually cool, they move on to a new target. (There are also con men out there who make a living by creating surreal romances for women before bilking them out of everything. Although, you sound like you are young and probably so is he, so I doubt this would be the case.) I'm sure there are many psychologists with excellent clinical reasons for why this is, but the reasons are probably not as important to you right now as the knowledge that this does happen.

The best advice I can offer for a concrete step to take is to become the best listener that you know. In my experience, people will tell you all about their motivations and what they are about if you listen. It's all about the words they choose or the occassional utterance that seems out of place. Just pay attention because this guy is saying a lot really fast.

However, don't become paranoid, just pay attention, and don't gloss over anything that may seem odd. Perhaps he is just so excited about his feelings for you that he can't help himself, but perhaps not. Listen to your heart and listen to what he says and does and you will be OK. I wish you the best.
posted by melangell at 9:02 AM on November 30, 2006

I completely agree with Sara Anne. Your heart can sustain another break - you're resilient. I've felt like I was going to die from heartache, but now that I have (a lot) of distance, I am so glad I experienced both the love and the heartache. In my personal experience, the blah that is life without love is worse than the highs and lows that are love.

But, as Sara Anne also said, no need to rush this - feel it out and make sure it's right, and then fall madly in love, recognizing that life and love can be transient but they're also wonderful.

Your specific question was how to slow down your feelings. I think some of the words of caution in this thread could help you - remind yourself, you don't really know him at all yet, and so you'd be falling in love with an incomplete picture. Don't rush the phases that speed up a romance (as others have said). Keep yourself occupied with other activities and friends, so you don't spend all your spare time mooning over him when you're apart.

I also think rhiannon is right on. Be careful not to lose yourself when you fall in love.
posted by Amizu at 9:07 AM on November 30, 2006

Check out Loving Him Without Losing You by Beverly Engel.

"I revived old friendships, rediscovered a few things."

It sounds to me as if you gave up your identity in your last relationship. Did you give up those things to devote more time to your man?

"Towards the end, I grew progressively more attached and he grew more and more distant, which maddeningly seemed to deepen my want for him..."

Did you try to hard to keep him and be what he wanted that you stopped being yourself, but what you thought he wanted? The more time and effort you tried to devote to the relationship, it seemed to put him off more and more?

If so, many women, including myself, have this tendency. Even women who are confident and strong in other areas of their lives can find themselves in this pitfall when it comes to relationships. This book has helped me understand why and what I can do to remain balanced in a relationship and keep equality.
posted by Nerro at 9:35 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

When I was a senior in college, I met a man who, for whatever reason, inspired deep, extreme emotional and physical attraction. I gave my entire self to him, convinced that we were meant to be together. We had an unhealthy relationship, full of late night talks and cryptic e-mails and longing and recriminations. Then, right after I graduated, I got pregnant. He offered me money for an abortion, and when I decided I'd like to be a mother he said "Ok, have fun. See ya." I moved back home, heartbroken. I spent the entire pregnancy fantasizing about how he would show up at the hospital to claim me and his child and we'd all go live happily ever after. It didn't happen, and soon I was a sad single mom living in my parents' basement.

And then a funny thing happened. Like you, I was able to take this time to find my way back to myself. I became an adult, learned how to be a mom, rediscovered who I was and who I wanted to be. When my son was 9 months old, (also around Thanksgiving) I met a man at my part-time job, and fell hard for him. I soon found myself in that delirious first blush of infatuation, and my entire family was telling me to do what you are asking for help doing. They had so many compelling reasons why I shouldn't get serious about this guy: he was older, had 2 kids, was my superior at work and was going through a divorce. What's more, I had to think of my son, and not start dragging strange men in and out of his life.

I thought about all this, and in February I asked him out. He was resistant, for all of the same reasons, so we started hanging out as friends. This February we'll have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8. He adopted my son, and we had another son together, in addition to his now teenaged boys. I am the most fortunate person in the world, and I get teary sometimes thinking about how easy it would have been to listen to everyone's advice and miss out on making a life with my husband.

Enjoy your new friend, feel every feeling, every high and every low and see where it takes you. Good luck.
posted by Biblio at 10:24 AM on November 30, 2006

If you want a way to avoid falling in love with him then remember that it is entirely possible that he says the things he says and does the things he does just to get into your pants and, coincidentally, your life. I have (in my less reputable past) said many things similar to the ones you mention. (Crying)"I’m afraid to lose control and I feel like I'm falling for you" “

I didn't mean any of them!! I was just manipulating her and trying to get into her pants on a regular basis.

Be aware.
One tactic you could use would be to exaggerate how slow you want to take it. This would serve to scare away opportunists who want to "hit it and quit it"
posted by Megafly at 11:29 AM on November 30, 2006

But then I remembered how spectacularly badly all my relationships tend to go and resolved to stay the hell out of Dear Aunt AskMe threads.
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:46 AM PST on November 30

Have you ever come to the right place, skjonn. We are here to help you. You could be on biological-clock red alert and crunked on Zestra -- just read a few RelationshipFilter threads on AskMe, and you'd throw Justin Timberlake out of bed.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:42 AM on December 1, 2006