Make my girlfriend more confident so we can have better sex

November 30, 2006 7:10 AM

My partner loves going down on me. She loves kissing me once or twice, briefly sucking me like a lollipop, and is uneasy about doing anything more, which ends up being frustrating for both of us.

I have tried cajoling her into being more adventurous, begging her not to stop after thirty seconds, encouraging her to go further. I was hoping that I could make her feel that we can both get more enjoyment out of it, but all I have achieved is making her feeling like crap, convincing her that she cannot satisfy me and will always underperform as much as she expects. She says she is afraid of gagging and puking if she takes me in any deeper or if I come inside her mouth while at the same time acknowledging that these fears are irrational. She used to be similarly squeamish about any kind of oral sex, but after getting over her fears found out that she loved both going down on me and me going down on her.

Some of her ideas about sex are, as far as I can tell, unusual. She finds her vulva disgusting, and is grossed out by the idea of touching it. Although she will touch herself or use toys during sex, she will only ever use the showerhead when she (very rarely) does masturbate on her own, and never touched herself before we met. She will not touch my penis again once it has been in contact with her vulva. I have tried to make her feel better about it, telling her that it does not gross me out, that it looks very nice and that I enjoy going down on her, again with little success. She rarely initiates sex, and gets distracted, turning me off by talking about random things.

We were having sex one warm afternoon and she forgot that her mother was coming to drop off some stuff. When the doorbell rang, she panicked, refused to ignore it like I suggested, and got dressed while telling me "you don't understand, it's my mom, I can't do this if she's there, she's really mean". In many ways, she is still as a child hiding her own sexuality in front of her mother. I feel that her not being confident and comfortable about her own sexuality is the deeper problem, and that her reluctances are symptoms of that.

We are both 22, and have been together for three years, living together for two. She was a virgin when we met. Her parents are pretty much agnostic and seem to have a very normal sex life. Psychoanalysis books on the topic are on their living room bookshelves – they don't treat sex like something that should be hidden.

Can I help her feel better about herself, feel better about enjoying sex, maybe understand where this insecurity could come from? On an easier note, can I get better blowjobs in the meanwhile?

Followup questions can go here

posted by anonymous to human relations (34 comments total)

I don't know about the other stuff, but having sex in her parent's home is uncomfortable enough.

To goad her into displaying sexuality in front of her mother is cruel, if not a little perverse.

Ease back, man. The thing to understand about sex is the woman should always be in control.
posted by four panels at 7:27 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

Her parents are pretty much agnostic and seem to have a very normal sex life. Psychoanalysis books on the topic are on their living room bookshelves – they don't treat sex like something that should be hidden.

The group of people who have psychoanalysis books about sex and the group of people who have normal sex lives don't seem all that likely to overlap. Are you sure she isn't bringing some fucked up attitudes from her parents into play?
posted by jacquilynne at 7:28 AM on November 30, 2006

I've got to say it doesn't really sound like she "loves going down on you", otherwise there presumably wouldn't be this problem.

Possible suggestions might be to drink a bit before, as alcohol reduce inhibitions. Another thing might be to do something for her that makes you uncomfortable -- this doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. For example, would she love it if you sang a song to her in a public park, but you would be overcome with embarassment? If you can show willingness to get over your hang-ups (everybody's got at least one, i'm sure), she may be more willing to reciprocate.

Good luck!
posted by modernnomad at 7:29 AM on November 30, 2006

Some of her ideas about sex are, as far as I can tell, unusual. She finds her vulva disgusting, and is grossed out by the idea of touching it.

Sadly, this is not that unusual.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

It always amazes me how many men think that this is unusual. I think that the notion that this is odd is based off what seems like limitless numbers of college-aged coeds doing all sorts of craziness all over the web.

Most women just aren't like that. And yes, you pressuring her (and that's what it probably feels like to her) isn't helping anything.
posted by FlamingBore at 7:35 AM on November 30, 2006

Try Good Head. It comes in several flavors and works to numb the back of the throat.
posted by candyland at 7:44 AM on November 30, 2006

To re-express what FlamingBore just said in a non-judgmental way, you might try backing off a little bit and letting her desire assert itself. Seriously, read Nathan Englander's story "For the Relief of Unbearable Urges" and see if you don't see a little of yourself there.

Pour your sexual energy into something else for a while. Start working out or engaging in competitive team sports. Or take on a new intellectual project. Anything to pull you back from the place of being the one insisting on a particular level of eroticism in your relationship.

If she doesn't buck up and start filling the space in a while...well...then you've got a real problem on your hands.
posted by felix betachat at 7:45 AM on November 30, 2006

There might be something much deeper seeded here. I know some women don't find their business attractive, but downright thinking it's ugly stems from serious self-esteem problems. Counseling is an option depending on how open she is to it. Don't stop being supportive and letting her know you love what she's doing. Even a small falter is enough for her to completely question what she's doing.

If she acknowledges her fears are irrational that's a good thing. She still has them and can't control that so much but at least feels it's not the norm.
posted by PetiePal at 7:50 AM on November 30, 2006

She says she is afraid of gagging and puking if she takes me in any deeper or if I come inside her mouth while at the same time acknowledging that these fears are irrational

I don't know how irrational this fear is. I have, in fact, both gagged and retched from some overzealous oral sex. As such, I used to have the same fear. Promise her you won't come in her mouth without warning her. Period. That you'll always tell her if you're getting to that point so she can make the decision to back off. Also, never hold her head during the act. You want her to feel she's in control, not the other way around. And it's probably going to take some time.

In many ways, she is still as a child hiding her own sexuality in front of her mother

If this is being childish, I'm still a child. I don't like being sexual around my parents, and I'm 26 and married. There are certain families that just arent as open about this stuff as well.

I do agree, from your attitude, that it seems like you might be pushing her a bit, or expecting her to do and feel things she isnt ready to about sex. She was a virgin within the last couple years, so she hasn't been having sex very long. It takes a long long time for many people to become entirely comfortable with their bodies in a sexual way. Be patient. Be communicative. Tell her you don't see her body or sex the same way she does, but you're willing to work with her as long as it takes for her to be more comfortable about these issues.
posted by theantikitty at 7:50 AM on November 30, 2006

Perhaps it's all in your approach. I learned to love giving head, and maybe she will too.

Here's what worked for me: my boyfriend would lay down on the bed (having him stand up while I was kneeling made me feel subservient - silly, but true) while I did whatever I wanted. There was no expectation for me to do anything, really, other than get acquainted down there and have fun. He let me know that I was doing a good job and that he was enjoying himself, but when I wanted to stop he let me without so much as a frustrated sigh. In fact, he often thanked me and told me how happy I made him. It was just constant positive reinforcement of a situation that I was completely in control of, and that gave me confidence.
posted by christinetheslp at 7:57 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

I know it's a bit of a let-down after the beginnings of a great blowjob, but have you tried having her go down for as long as she can take it and then letting her finish you off with a hand job? Maybe she could build up her endurance that way, also you get to come, and she gets to have no guilt about getting you hot and bothered. Guilt is a huge turn-off and very, very stressful.

Also some women feel better about having guys go down on them if they're freshly showered. Maybe take it into the shower, do the sexy shower thing, then afterwards give it a shot.

(Also, you might want to try and be extra clean if she's worried about gagging. Not saying you're not, but hey. And get rid of any possible stray hairs that could tickle the back of her throat.)
posted by np312 at 7:58 AM on November 30, 2006

Some people just aren't that interested in sex. It isn't necessarily something that needs to be fixed. Maybe you two just aren't compatible. Blue balls indeed. Stop trying to make her perform.
posted by thirteenkiller at 8:03 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

I don't know about the other stuff, but having sex in her parent's home is uncomfortable enough.

The poster wasn't having sex in her parents home. The mother was coming to visit.

To goad her into displaying sexuality in front of her mother is cruel, if not a little perverse.

Her mother was at the door, presumably she couldn't see them having sex.

The thing to understand about sex is the woman should always be in control.

Only if you are satisfied being submissive. Otherwise, that's a recipe for an unsatisfying sexual relationship.

downright thinking it's ugly stems from serious self-esteem problems

Eight comments to the therapy suggestion! Not a record, but damn that's quick. One common thread amongst the women I've dated is the contempt with which they hold the appearance of female naughty bits. Whether its their own or their previous partners, they just don't seem to like them. Though my experience is anecdotal, I think it's a fair guess that it's common enough that it's not unusual. And in this case, the poster's partner has come around to allowing herself to be orally stimulated by her partner, so it's perhaps just a sign that she's getting in touch with her sexualized body.

Thinking back on myself at that age, before I had gone down on a woman, I too thought they were particularly unpleasant. Now I know better and do everything in my power to convince my partner that I'm not doing my duty out of a sense of obligation: I actually like it!
posted by sequential at 8:05 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

have you tried having her give you head while you wear a condom? you could try a flavored type, which would make it a bit nicer for her, and most importantly it would take away her fear of having to deal with what to do when you come. Then she could play around and do whatever feels good for both of you without worrying too much about going "too far."

That said, giving head is an aquired ..er... taste.. for some people. Encouragement and positive reinforcement are very, very good things, and it sounds like you're on the right track there. But she seems to be a bit turned off by the idea (not the function or feeling!) of genitalia, so go easy with her - that's a really difficult thing to get rid of.
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:12 AM on November 30, 2006

I second christinetheslp's suggestion of letting her "play" with you more. Just get naked and let her explore, but don't make it about having sex or an orgasm. Let her get comfortable handling your cock on her own terms, without the added pressure of feeling like she has to make you come.

And yeah, dude, ease off a bit.
posted by mkultra at 8:13 AM on November 30, 2006

You may want to try to separate out the things you can work on in the immediate future and things that will take longer. This is my split

Short Range Goals
- better sex for the both of you
- oral sex for you
- more relaxed sex for the two of you

Long Range Goals
- sex with parents in the area (or more distance from parents in sex life, or whatever)
- less "my vulva is weird"
- lack of initiating

The blowjob thing, for someone not used to it, may take some adjustment and you may need to be prepared that she just may not like giving head. Women are really all over the map with that sort of thing. In the immediate future, you can do a few things that will likely help things out. If she's afraid of gagging, you can 1) promise not to come in her mouth and keep that promise (I agree with np31, maybe start with what she's comfy with and have her give you a handjob with her still being down there) 2) don't hold/touch her head when she's giving you head. For some women early bad experiences in this arena can be sort of formative. If you had one jerky head-holding boyfriend, it's hard to realize that you can be much more in control of the blowjob experience.

Her fears are NOT irrational. Any time you are having a conversation with a sex partner where you disregard their concerns, you are in a dodgy area and one that may affect her attitudes towards your sex life. I'd seriously watch those conversational directions. Likewise, even though you think her naughty bits are awesomely naughty, overanalyzing her issues or thinking that just because you like them that she should like them is a bit of a stretch. She's got to find her own sex parts as excellent and useful to her, not just great because you like them. I mean, both is the optimal situation. If she's sort of new to the sex game, that may take some time, distance from parents, etc.

Of course, having really great reciprocal sex is a great way to fall in love with your own body at the same time as you fall in love with someone else's, but you can't force it and you can't impress your own ideas of normal sexuality on someone else you want to have sex with by talking about it; it's really a "show, don't tell" situation. If you wind up having a dynamic where you're telling her what a normal sexual attitude is like, you're setting yourself up for some trouble. I'd try to recenter and work towards the definition of normal being what works for the two of you sexually and if for now that's a little more restraint and a drink before sex and/or a bit of hesistation over blowjobs, that's how it will work.
posted by jessamyn at 8:17 AM on November 30, 2006

couple of options:

1. Break up with her. Simply put, your needs aren't geting met, and they don't seem like they're going to be met anytime soon. You guys are young and have been going out for 3 years, living together for 2 and maybe the relationship has run it's course. She has issues, you have issues and the sex isn't that great. You two may love each other, but are you IN love with each other? Doesnt' seem like it, because you're being pretty selfish and crude when dealing with her issues, based on your description of the situation.

2. Put her first. Swear off blowjobs for a couple of years, stop getting her to do things she's uncomfortable with. Concentrate on making her feel great in a thousand different ways: fix dinner, compliment her looks and body EVERYDAY, talk to her, listen to her, take baths/showers together that don't end in sex, cuddle naked. All of these things should be done with the idea that it's about helping her, not you.
This requires a huge effort on your part, and it may not help or take too long for your satisfaction.


Final note: based on your descriptions here, she DOES not love giving you head, in fact she does not love having sex with you. There are larger issues here than blowjobs.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:29 AM on November 30, 2006

Yeah...so, a few seconds of sucking your dick like a lollipop is hardly an indication of "she loves sucking dick". Methinks thou art confused.

Think about it like this; Giving a good blow job is like any other skill. To become a master at it, one must be willing to practice. One must want to discover new techniques. One must be willing to dedicate some time, energy and thought to honing any natural talent that might exist. You can't expect a virgin to perform like a porn star.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like she's only doing the little that she's doing, just to make you happy. You know it makes her uncomfortable, but still you beg her to do it more, which makes her feel guilty on top of her existing discomfort. So, it sounds to me like you think your erotic satisfaction is more important than her feelings.

You're not going to "cure" her of being repressed, if she is indeed repressed. If moneyshot blowjobs are a make or break deal for you, you may want to reconsider your long term plans.
posted by dejah420 at 8:35 AM on November 30, 2006

that gave me confidence.

Ding ding ding ding! There's the key to a lot of problems women have with ye ole manly bits: confidence. Try np312's advice, but switch it up as necessary to work for you and your partner.

I have to say this in every thread I participate in about blow jobs, but don't force her to go deeper. If she has even the most remote gag reflex, there's no better way to make her gun shy than to cause her to choke on cock. Seriously. For a good time, let her repeatedly shove a banana down your throat until you choke. Report back on how long it takes before you want to eat a banana again.

A second point about deep throat: it's not the end all, be all. Sure, it feels good if your partner has an endless throat, but you can achieve the same level of pleasure with the penis barely in her mouth. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here, at risk of losing the privileges of membership in the Man Club, and say that you can get the same stimulation without your penis in her mouth at all. A two handed hand job, apply lube liberally, can completely replace a blow job. You may need to play a bit of marco polo to get her to give the kind of hand jobs that leave you begging for another hand fuck, but does this sound bad to anyone?
posted by sequential at 8:36 AM on November 30, 2006

It seems to me that she's uncomfortable with the act of sex altogether. Many girls are. I've come to believe it's just another by-product of all the crazy double-standards society has for us. Your girlfriend is not that unusual. And also, parents who are open about their sexuality enough to keep books on sexual anything in a place where you (their daughter's boyfriend) could see them may have given her just as many issues as parents who are overly prudish. Trust me.

You havel already hit the proverbial nail on the head in your post: she will not be comfortable going down on you until she is comforable with herself. I would suggest working on that first. It's really hard to feel like doing anything remotely sexual when you're feeling self-conscious, let alone giving someone oral sex. So make her feel good. Remind her why you're attracted to her. And no, you won't get good blowjobs in the meantime. You can't have your cookies before they're baked, you dig?

Also, please realize that going down on a guy just... isn't that fun. Honestly. It's rewarding, mind you, to pleasure someone you love; but putting someone's penis in your mouth on its own, without the context of the bedroom, is not something most people would want to do. And unfortunately, her fears of gagging are not unfounded -- it definitely happens. So go easy on her, don't thrust or anything. Do (gently, nicely) give her hints: "that's good, do that more" or "could you tighten/loosen your grip a little," can help her feel less lost down there and help both of you figure out what works best. Warn her before you come. (Seriously.) And don't take it personally if she doesn't swallow, that's something you have to work up to as well.

Just one point I want to reiterate, though: no one can magically "make" your girlfriend more confident, and you will not receive amazing head (or probably any head at all) while she is working out her issues. If you lose that expectation, it will be a lot easier for you to help her, and for her to work out whatever she needs to deal with. Conversely, if you always have it in the back of your mind, you will probably (inadvertently) make her feel pressured through little comments and things you don't even realize you're doing.

So, to summarize, here's your plan of action:

Step 1: Banish the thought of getting head for awhile. Consider it a sacrifice for the girl you care for so dearly, and the greater good of your future sex life.

Step 2: Concentrate on making her feel comfortable with herself. Listen. Pay attention.

Step 3: When she is ready to try going down on you, recognize that it's awkward and do what you can to help her.

It will get better. Just be patient.
posted by AV at 8:37 AM on November 30, 2006

Try np312 christinetheslp advice.

Scrolled one comment short!
posted by sequential at 8:40 AM on November 30, 2006

I think that some of the advice in this thread is a bit misguided. "The woman is always in control"? What's that about? Why shouldn't it be a push-me-pull-you situation? Also, there's a profound difference between thinking that your genitalia are unattractive and finding them and anything that comes into contact with them disgusting.

There's nothing here that suggests that if she were given total control, she'd loosen up. I think that the hating-on-the-vulva thing and the BJ thing are two different problems.

You say that she loves when you go down on her, but you don't elaborate. You don't mention if she orgasms when you do this, or if she orgasms when the two of you have sex. Have you asked her if she talks to her girlfriends about sex? It might be helpful for her to talk to someone who doesn't have a vested interest, so to speak.

There are two forces at work here: her sexual hang-ups, and the ways in which you relate to her in a sexual situation. I think the shower suggestion above is a good one. Another idea you could try is to spend a few sessions devoted solely to her pleasure--work up to it if you have to. Spend time talking to her about you find other parts of her body, too. It might help her begin to believe that there's nothing gross about her body, or about sex in general.

And also, I agree with the others who suggest it might be good to tone down your sexual advances.

(On preview, jessamyn and Brandon have good advice, but I disagree with j's opinion that telling her how awesome you think her stuff is isn't a good way for her to teach herself to feel that way. I think it'd be good to tell her you appreciate her body in a sensual, affirmative way and not a sexual, needs-fullfilling way. Also, I want to say it again: She needs to talk to her friends about it.)
posted by veronica sawyer at 8:40 AM on November 30, 2006

Jessamyn's post is fantastic but I wanted to add that to me, this sounds like a girl who doesn't really feel she knows what she's doing. Maybe she doesn't keep sucking you because... like, what then? I know with my first lover and before I'd ever seen porn (and in my defense, this is before the Web) I kind of just thought you had to suck it, in and out, which sounded dreadful (not to mention tiring). Rather than embarrass myself I just kind of did a little cursory slurp and moved on. It wasn't until a couple of years and few partners that I really got into it, and a few more years until I began to (cough, cough) excel at it.

I've asked lots of guys to tell me how they like to be sucked, but very few are willing to articulate that beyond "that's good". Which I find kind of sad. I'd looooove to have a guy say, "You know what I really like? When you (...)" Then I'd want to do it, like, all the time. I know that if I was asked how I like to be licked I would have a few things to say (but no one's ever straight-up asked.)

Is she open about porn? A few good porn flicks will show a lady that it's not just about hard and fast sucking. I like Gianna Michaels' style if you can find anything in her canon.

I do think it's sad that she's so averse to her own parts, though. A huge part of becoming a truly sexual person is sorting out how all those bits work and how to make them work for you. I hope this changes for her.
posted by loiseau at 8:44 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

I don't know how to suggest you handle the dislike of her own bits. As others have said, it's just a sad fact that a lot of women feel that way, but then again I bet the majority of people you know think of their rear ends as being "gross" rather than just an orifice that needs some caution because of e-coli.

As far as the gagging (and I'm assuming that there's more behaviors than that in the same vein) kind of thing, maybe you should just non-judgmentally explore with her the question of "so what?" To me that sounds like a form of a fear of failure and a fear of embarrassment. Nobody wants to be rejected, but taken to the illogical extreme that would mean nobody would ever attempt anything and the race would die off. Nobody likes to fail, but again, you have to risk failure at some point.

Possibly most pertinent to this, nobody likes to be embarrassed and horking up on your junk would sure qualify as blush-causing if anything would. If that's the operational issue here than you need to provide a safe and reassuring environment. You don't need to be ashamed or reluctant to make your wishes known, but pressure isn't going to help.

Finally, she's young. On average women at 22 are not very comfortable with their bodies or sexual behavior, or at least not as comfortable as they are at 32. Having been a virgin when you met three years ago, if she were a student at Sex College she'd just be finishing her Junior year, so keep that in mind when you feel frustrated with her progress.
posted by phearlez at 9:04 AM on November 30, 2006

Do hand jobs have a place in your effrots? She might gain more confidence in the entire process if she is the "trigger" for your coming. No mouth issues, just a smooth lube and magic fingers. Then the addtional of a vibrator for you and a second one for her and share those mutual orgasisms for awhile then a frank discussion of what make each of you succeed.

THEN go back to oral with a better understanding of the shared fun.
posted by Freedomboy at 9:09 AM on November 30, 2006

I didn't catch the whole semen in the mouth thing, but luck for you, she has a whole body that can be used to pleasurably finish you off. She does have a body, right? I'm not being too presumptive, I hope.

Look, the taste of semen is not everyone's bag. At best, it's an acquired taste, but then you have to deal with the egg drop soup consistency. Oh, and the fact that it leaps forward from your loins like, I don't know, a tiger springing on prey. Sure, it may not actually kill her, but it can come unexpectedly, in varying amounts, and with varying amounts of force.

My partner doesn't often complain about such matters, she's a champ and I feel blessed, but every once in a while she fills up like a man, or a woman with good aim, peeing in a shot glass. And on such occasions, I encourage her to spit or whatever makes her feel comfy. Hell, she's lost a load or two on me in aggressive pursuit of pleasing me. The least I could do is be thankful, right? If the worst part of getting head is dealing with some sperm dribbled back on you, then I'd suggest you learn ways to enjoy it.

Here's a list of places that have been reported as being enjoyable to shoot a load, not that I would know such things: hands, face, boobs, stomach, butt, and a sock. I can't confirm all of them with personal experience, but the sock... don't laugh until you try it. Okay, laugh all you want, but don't ask to borrow my socks.

I'd looooove to have a guy say, "You know what I really like? When you (...)" Then I'd want to do it, like, all the time.

Well, here's one guy's answer to that question. Seems like a good guy.
posted by sequential at 9:23 AM on November 30, 2006

slight derail:

I know that if I was asked how I like to be licked I would have a few things to say (but no one's ever straight-up asked).

You should probably tell them instead of waiting to be asked.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:32 AM on November 30, 2006

Oh, I do.

I'd like to be asked though.
posted by loiseau at 9:38 AM on November 30, 2006

I'd looooove to have a guy say, "You know what I really like? When you (...)" Then I'd want to do it, like, all the time.

Well, here's one guy's answer to that question. Seems like a good guy.

That is a good read (fans self) but y'know, I'm talking more about the subtleties that differ between individuals. Some guys like to have their balls sucked, for example, but not all do, and some even dislike it. Or, like, what kind of position is their favourite?

I like to go for the gold, you know? Reach for the brass ring or whatever.
posted by loiseau at 9:43 AM on November 30, 2006

I had this whole long answer. But it's repeating what everyone else said.

Nope, you're not going to get good blowjobs in the long term. Listen to AV and Jessamyn. Realize additionally it sounds that her efforts at sex so far, especially oral sex, are not so much about her enjoyment as they are about making you happy--she is probably painfully aware that you want a girlfriend who loves giving head and is a tiger in the sack, and she's not measuring up. This has gotta stop. You gotta stop pressuring and cajoling her. You gotta stop pointing out how you want her to change. You know it's making it worse, so stop.

There are numerous how-to-love-your-body sites directed at women (because as other posters have noted, it's a pretty common issue)--The Clitoris.com and All About My Vagina are fantastic places to start.

Finally, this is a measure of your commitment to this girl. Becoming comfortable with one's body doesn't happen overnight. It can take years.
posted by schroedinger at 9:59 AM on November 30, 2006

Final note: based on your descriptions here, she DOES not love giving you head, in fact she does not love having sex with you. There are larger issues here than blowjobs.

this seems to me to be on the money
posted by matteo at 11:14 AM on November 30, 2006

I do understand that there's more to it than this, but I'm just going to deal with the gagging problem:

Some positions are a lot less gag-inducing than others, so try a different way. If you usually lie on your back, then try it with you lying on your side, she lying on her side. Also, if you can stay still, she may feel like not gagging is more under her control. And I mean don't move your hips even a little.

Gagging is a bad feeling, and of course she wants to avoid it. But she might also have other problems with it -- maybe it embarrasses her, or she thinks it'll turn you off.

She doesn't have much experience doing oral sex. Maybe she thinks there's a right way to do it, and the right way involves taking the penis deeper than is really necessary. She can place her hand in such a way that your penis can't go any further than she wants it to.

She says her problem is fear of gagging. Take her at her word, and see if you can find a solution to that. It might help -- or she might tell you there's a different cause.
posted by wryly at 12:55 PM on November 30, 2006

> Final note: based on your descriptions here, she DOES not love giving you head, in fact she does not love having sex with you. There are larger issues here than blowjobs.

this seems to me to be on the money

This seems to me to be something the poster is aware of, given his first line. Admittedly if he’s from the US, he will not indicate such a relevant point purely with ironical tone, but I suspect he’s not.

Sorry, dude, no-one has good answers for you. Perfectly normal women can believe the most outlandish things when it comes to sex, and in certain circles and regions they get minimal negative feedback and have no incentive to change those beliefs. You've been together three years already; it’s apparently not important enough for you to break up with her over it, for example. And the comments about the ‘it can take years’ options don’t include, as they never do, ‘and may not happen at all,’ but ‘may not happen at all’ is always a given for psychological change.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 1:14 PM on November 30, 2006

You know it makes her uncomfortable, but still you beg her to do it more, which makes her feel guilty on top of her existing discomfort.

This is HUGE. The least attractive thing a man can do is beg or cajole. Kills the sex and makes the girl feel like shit.
posted by lorrer at 6:07 PM on December 1, 2006