non-friends

November 22, 2006 10:03 PM

How do you tell someone that you don't want to be their friend?

I have a 'friend' that I have nothing in common with. He likes to think that we are good friends. How can I politely tell him to fuck off. I don't hate this person but I just don't like him latching on to me at parties and such.

posted by Kilovolt to society & culture (21 comments total)

Just because he "latches onto you at parties" doesn't mean that he thinks you are his good friend. It is normal behaviour to talk politely to people who you have nothing in common with. Especially at parties.

I hazard a guess that the person with the weird definition of friendship is you, not him.
posted by dydecker at 10:30 PM on November 22, 2006

It might be true that I am the one with the problem. But still - How do I get rid of someone that doesn't realize that I don't want them to be around me?
posted by Kilovolt at 10:59 PM on November 22, 2006

I think it really depends on why you don't want this person to be around you. If you find them threatening, you do one thing. If they're boring you, you do another, if they're loud and obnoxious, you do something else. What don't you like about this person?
posted by dydecker at 11:13 PM on November 22, 2006

I have found this to be extremely difficult. I don't really even know how to explain this.

If he has latched onto you, I would suggest trying to find the one other person at the party he could get along with, guide him there and leave him there. Often there will be others who may be less than apt with other human beings.

If there is no other socially awkward person there, when he follows you around, pretend to engage in some intimate conversation with someone else, leave, come back, say, ha ha joke joke, how are you doing chat a bit and walk away again. Do not totally abandon him. But make sure he knows you have other things going on.

This is difficult. At some point you may have to directly say something politely fuck-offish like, "look, I have to do these other things, please leave me be."
posted by bobobox at 11:29 PM on November 22, 2006

I've had dude-stalkers before, particularly one guy who called me at least once a week for six months straight and left the same exact voice mail every time. I had to call our out-of-kindness friendship quits after he called me at 2am with nothing to say... just silence. Awkward, awkward silence and breathing.

I wouldn't say anything. I just wouldn't answer or return his calls/e-mails. Be nice when you see him in public and provide obvious BS excuses, but nothing too misleading. Unless there's something wrong upstairs, like PDD, he should get the hint.
posted by trinarian at 2:28 AM on November 23, 2006

Never burn bridges, just stop talking to him.
posted by four panels at 2:31 AM on November 23, 2006

Grow a spine, man up and say "we have nothing in common and I don't really care for you, sorry."
posted by fixedgear at 3:37 AM on November 23, 2006

I don't think being growing a spine consists in being gratuitously rude.

If the problem is the latching on at parties, then just excuse yourself when it happens. If he contacts you too much externally, then delay your responses and eventually stop responding.
posted by grouse at 4:32 AM on November 23, 2006

My brother does this all the time. The trick is to tell the person, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Shocking, I know, but it works. Or did you not want to look like a jerk or something?
posted by chunking express at 7:00 AM on November 23, 2006

Say nothing. Don't ignore him but don't hold a conversation. Yes, no should suffice. move away from him and engage with a friend if you don't want to hold a conversation with him.

There is never a polite way to say "Fuck off", so don't even bother. Approaching the "issue" will just cause needless confrontation. The guy has probably done nothing wrong to deserve it anyway.
posted by twistedonion at 7:04 AM on November 23, 2006

Kilovolt, I agree with some of the above posters. I wouldn't say anything rude. Why hurt a person's feelings if you don't have to?

You can continue being nice withouth the obligation of being his friend. Say hello, be nice, and move on to the people you want to talk with. Eventually he should get the hint. If he doesn't, then maybe he really needs a friend. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:21 AM on November 23, 2006

Why hurt a person's feelings if you don't have to?

That's the point, really: you might have to. Polite hints tend not to work with folks whose social skills, for whatever reason, don't include taking a hint. It may be this person is scared in social settings and is just latching onto Kilovolt precisely because he's not the kind of person to tell them to shove off. Or they could just be rude themselves, inserting themselves into others' conversations and monopolizing someone's time without consideration. In that case, worrying about hurting their feelings should be pretty low on your list after extricating yourself from their rude behavior.

Kilovolt, you can soften the blow with a kind tone and gentle words, but you should probably accept that there's no way to tell someone you don't want them around so much without hurting their feelings at least a little. Try, "Hey, listen, I feel like working the room [or whatever] by myself tonight. Would you mind if I left you here? Thanks." and then walk away without waiting for a response. Then, forget about them; don't worry if they see you with someone else, for instance.
posted by mediareport at 9:12 AM on November 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

You want to tell a guy to fuck off just because he talks to you at parties. Are you sure you aren't being an ass? I agree it might be you with the problem. I've been to many a party where I knew painfully few people - seeing someone you recognize is like being thrown a lifeline. How unfortunate for you that it cramps your style.

Say nothing. Don't ignore him but don't hold a conversation. Yes, no should suffice. move away from him and engage with a friend if you don't want to hold a conversation with him.

Jesus. Some of these answers are astounding.

I guess I haven't answered the question.
posted by BorgLove at 10:01 AM on November 23, 2006

You want to tell a guy to fuck off just because he talks to you at parties.

Well, that's certainly a ridiculous interpretation of the information in the question. I don't see any reason for not taking the poster's statements at face value - there's a clingy person in his life he'd like to not have clinging in his life so much. How is that unreasonable or deserving of scorn?

I guess I haven't answered the question.

And insulted the poster in the process. Nicely done.
posted by mediareport at 10:10 AM on November 23, 2006

Either ignore him, or be so uninteresting to him that he moves on. Don't engage him in conversation, don't say anything that would prompt further discussion. When leaving to talk to someone else, just leave, don't say good-bye. Convince him that you're not a nice person, without actually doing anything offensive.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:51 AM on November 23, 2006

Whatever your reasons, there is a way to end this honorably and decently -- e.g., "Bob, I don't feel we have much in common, and don't want to pursue a friendship. I wish you well. Bye." You have stated your position clearly, without resorting to "hinting" or being cruel. You may not like him (that's your prerogative), but he is still a human being -- treat him like one.
posted by scody at 11:51 AM on November 23, 2006

It may be this person is scared in social settings and is just latching onto Kilovolt precisely because he is the kind of person to tell them to shove off. A re-enforcing of their lack of self-esteem engineered by themselves. Who knows? We haven't got enough information to go on here. Tell us some more, kilovolt, you could both be psychos for all I know.
posted by asok at 4:16 PM on November 23, 2006

That was a bit harsh sounding, but it's a bit of a rude question. I agree with Scody.
posted by asok at 4:22 PM on November 23, 2006

I agree it's a rude question. There must have been some kind of nicetey that you showed this guy, at least the first time you met him and perhaps every time he "bothers" you with his presence. He trusts you for some reason, and you've done nothing to earn this trust? Did he annoy you from the very first sentence he uttered, or is he simply inconvenient for you now?

If you two are truly incompatible as friends, he wouldn't be coming around. There's some amount of friendliness/trustworthyness that you must be giving him. And if there isn't, then he'll eventually go away on his own.
posted by zardoz at 4:44 PM on November 23, 2006

I have had more than my fair share of this because I am generally pretty nice and reluctant to be rude. I'd like to repeat something I said earlier:
See if you can find anyone else who might have something in common with this guy. Introduce them. Introduce the topic they have in common. Leave.
You know those exes that never really get over you until they find someone new to latch onto? Consider this like that.
posted by bobobox at 7:15 PM on November 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Can you find some reason to excuse yourself at parties/phone calls? Get stock excuses, do this every time. Coupling that with not returning emails would get the point across after a couple times, I'd imagine.
posted by piratebowling at 8:59 PM on November 23, 2006