Toxic - not only Britney Spear's video/life
November 17, 2006 9:59 PM Subscribe
So your best friend is toxic and finally you decide you need to get her out of your life. How do you say goodbye?
posted by barrakuda to human relations (35 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Long story: I met my best friend about 5 years ago in grad school. We both come from Eastern Europe so we found a frame of reference in one another, felt that we understand one another on a deeper level and we quickly became friends. Throughout the past 5 years my friend has shown herself to be loyal, good, kind person, except once in a while she freaks out on me for what I perceive to be little to no reason. I think "the bad" started 4 years ago when she started thinking that I have a thing for her boyfriend due to one comment I made. What the hell let's put it out for all to judge: one night I stayed at her place till late and he drove me home on a motorcycle. It was a night, it was raining, I was on a motorcycle that was going very fast and I got a bit turned on. Nothing happened. Next day, I told her about this (as a curiosity type of thing: "guess what happened") and we both laugh about this in a "that's funny/weird". Two days later she calls me and says she needs to talk with me and she basically reprimands me in a very cold way, telling me that what I said to her was not cool, made her distrust me and is overall gross. Basically, telling me very strongly that I need to stay the hell away from her boyfriend. I try to tell her that it was truly innocent/stupid comment and that I do not covet her boyfriend (otherwise I would probably keep the little story to myself). I think she never believed me despite the fact that I was telling the truth. Over the time I did see how my comment could have upset her and even though I said it innocently I can admit that it was out of place. In any case, ever since that, I have the feeling that she's observing me very closely when I talk to him, she has repeatedly tried to force me to say that I'm attracted to him and pretty much made me avoid speaking his name or making any comments about him at all for the fear that she'll get upset.
In addition to all of this she get's very very upset whenever I contradict her in anything however silly it may be. Tonight was an example when I expressed an opinion contrary to hers, she started freaking out and saying "you're crossing the line" and left the dinner before everyone was finished saying that she can't stay because of me. Generally I feel that unless I agree with her on everything, we cannot be friends. I think that she perceives disagreement as a lack of loyalty on my part, something that she will not accept in a friend. This dynamic has been going on for a while and for the most part I have the tendency to let things go, to forgive, to be the "smarter one". Tonight however, I relized that this friendship is very toxic and bad for me and I cannot take it anymore. In other words, this time I am not making an effort to kiss and make up but I need to say "I can't be friends with you anymore".
How do I do it? She cannot be rationally talked to as she's always convinced that she's the one who is right. I want to say goodbye in a firm but nonconfrontational manner that takes into account the fact that this friendship is bad for me but also that there were times when it was good to me and that this person is inherently good but something in our chemistry makes it impossible for us to be friends. i don't want to just fall into silence. any comments, advice, ideas?