Help end my slump!
November 13, 2006 8:13 PM Subscribe
Need opinions about setting a scene for seduction.
Here's the story. It's my long-term boyfriend's birthday and I want to surprise him when he comes home from work with a seduction scene. To complicate matters we've been in a sexual slump for a while (as in not doing it at all). So, I would like to take this opportunity to change things up for us. I want it to be a surprise (unless the ask mefi crowd advises otherwise). Now, I know what I would find sexy, but I am not sure that will translate in this case. I also know all of the other stuff: desire is in the eye of the beholder, your sexiness mileage may vary (YSMMV), and we each have our own "things" that turn us on. But I am just trying to get some ideas. I have the following: new sexy lingerie (a side question: what lingerie do men find sexiest?), candles, blindfold, champagne, etc. Please tell me what you would want or how you effectively set such a scene for a man. Oh, and I am a woman.
Here's the story. It's my long-term boyfriend's birthday and I want to surprise him when he comes home from work with a seduction scene. To complicate matters we've been in a sexual slump for a while (as in not doing it at all). So, I would like to take this opportunity to change things up for us. I want it to be a surprise (unless the ask mefi crowd advises otherwise). Now, I know what I would find sexy, but I am not sure that will translate in this case. I also know all of the other stuff: desire is in the eye of the beholder, your sexiness mileage may vary (YSMMV), and we each have our own "things" that turn us on. But I am just trying to get some ideas. I have the following: new sexy lingerie (a side question: what lingerie do men find sexiest?), candles, blindfold, champagne, etc. Please tell me what you would want or how you effectively set such a scene for a man. Oh, and I am a woman.
There is no single kind of lingerie that allo men find sexiest, but in general lots of men really like real garter belt + stocking + bustier ensembles, or thigh high heeled boot kinda thingies.
Candles, champagne, blindfold, etc strike me as more the sort of stuff a guy might use for a stereotypical seduction scene of a female and not really the sort of thing a stereotypical guy would find sexiest. Something as simple as surprising him with one of the aforementioned sexy outfits underneath a long coat might be better.
Speaking for myself, the whole candle, champagne, etc thing would be romantic but I wouldn't find it drop-dead sexy.
posted by Justinian at 8:34 PM on November 13, 2006
Candles, champagne, blindfold, etc strike me as more the sort of stuff a guy might use for a stereotypical seduction scene of a female and not really the sort of thing a stereotypical guy would find sexiest. Something as simple as surprising him with one of the aforementioned sexy outfits underneath a long coat might be better.
Speaking for myself, the whole candle, champagne, etc thing would be romantic but I wouldn't find it drop-dead sexy.
posted by Justinian at 8:34 PM on November 13, 2006
Yeah, I have to agree with Justinian, I think the candle, champagne thing is more of a woman's idea of romance. I think it really depends on the type of guy your boyfriend is, because I know mine would be much more turned on by a lingerie under coat, "I have to have you now" type thing than a long slow seduction. Although, I think the blindfold could be put to good use in both situations.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2006
posted by wuzandfuzz at 8:37 PM on November 13, 2006
A striptease...revealing the new lingerie...turning into a lapdance...turning into...
Make sure you supply him with some $1's!
posted by illek at 8:43 PM on November 13, 2006
Make sure you supply him with some $1's!
posted by illek at 8:43 PM on November 13, 2006
seriously? go look at porn. that's what men want. wuzandfuzz is right about the candles and champagne.
posted by sergeant sandwich at 8:45 PM on November 13, 2006
posted by sergeant sandwich at 8:45 PM on November 13, 2006
RE: a side question: what lingerie do men find sexiest?
Personal opinion of course. I prefer cute and suggestive over revealing and blatant. Tiny fuzzy skirts are fun, bras that cover a bit more, while still leaving some cleavage.
As for the main question, I assume you know the type of things he gets going over. Give those to him and you will be set. Sorry about the lack of specific suggestions.
Something I can say though is that guys like some of the same things as women do. A clean place is more appealing than a dirty messy place. Clean sheets are awesome. Soft lighting (without the red tint, that's just cheesy).
Good luck.
posted by cschneid at 8:46 PM on November 13, 2006
Personal opinion of course. I prefer cute and suggestive over revealing and blatant. Tiny fuzzy skirts are fun, bras that cover a bit more, while still leaving some cleavage.
As for the main question, I assume you know the type of things he gets going over. Give those to him and you will be set. Sorry about the lack of specific suggestions.
Something I can say though is that guys like some of the same things as women do. A clean place is more appealing than a dirty messy place. Clean sheets are awesome. Soft lighting (without the red tint, that's just cheesy).
Good luck.
posted by cschneid at 8:46 PM on November 13, 2006
I am a woman, but here goes my idea of seduction for your birthday boy:
Dinner by candlelight. Cook something yummy and have some nice conversation. Let him open a present over dinner and open a bottle of wine or champagne. Maybe write a little note in a birthday card stating that you miss the closeness and romance that you once shared.
Some may say to open the door in some skimpy lingerie, but I think you can both warm up a bit if you are able to talk over a nice meal in regular clothes. The lingerie can come later. And I am sure you know better to serve something too heavy. You don't want him passing out on the couch with stomach bloat.
I love stretch lace. It's super sexy in my opinion, and I always feel comfortable wearing it. It's more supportive and flattering than flimsy satin. Plus, you can wear it under your clothes.
Hoping this year is sex-filled. Goodluck!
posted by LoriFLA at 8:47 PM on November 13, 2006
Dinner by candlelight. Cook something yummy and have some nice conversation. Let him open a present over dinner and open a bottle of wine or champagne. Maybe write a little note in a birthday card stating that you miss the closeness and romance that you once shared.
Some may say to open the door in some skimpy lingerie, but I think you can both warm up a bit if you are able to talk over a nice meal in regular clothes. The lingerie can come later. And I am sure you know better to serve something too heavy. You don't want him passing out on the couch with stomach bloat.
I love stretch lace. It's super sexy in my opinion, and I always feel comfortable wearing it. It's more supportive and flattering than flimsy satin. Plus, you can wear it under your clothes.
Hoping this year is sex-filled. Goodluck!
posted by LoriFLA at 8:47 PM on November 13, 2006
Heels are never the wrong choice. It's nice when a girl gets all dolled up, wearing next to nothing. It's foundational when she looks you in the eye, and says "F**k me, now." and absolutely means it.
Most men are simple creatures. Don't overthink this.
posted by paulsc at 8:48 PM on November 13, 2006
Most men are simple creatures. Don't overthink this.
posted by paulsc at 8:48 PM on November 13, 2006
Dress up in your out-on-the-town clothes (include high heels), meet him at the door, and tell him you're really horny and would he please take you to the bedroom right now. Or just blow him right there at the front door.
Alternatively give him a massage as a birthday present, and let him know he can have a happy ending.
Seduction is all very nice, but surprise can work much better with men...
posted by tkolar at 8:49 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
Alternatively give him a massage as a birthday present, and let him know he can have a happy ending.
Seduction is all very nice, but surprise can work much better with men...
posted by tkolar at 8:49 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
About a meal, nothing slows me down like a heavy meal. Be sure it's something light (fish? salad?) and not a heavy pasta or similar. Sex involves motion and if I'm really full, that motion is a lot less fun.
posted by cschneid at 8:51 PM on November 13, 2006
posted by cschneid at 8:51 PM on November 13, 2006
Maybe write a little note in a birthday card stating that you miss the closeness and romance that you once shared.
On second thought, maybe this isn't a good idea. I have to agree with the men--actions speak louder than words. Do something unexpected such as unzipping him at the table.
I still think your beau may need a little time to loosen up. If you haven't had sex in a long while there is a reason for it. Better to have a nice relaxing time together and ease into sex.
But, what the hell do I know, maybe a good BJ at the door is all that's needed to end your slump.
posted by LoriFLA at 9:01 PM on November 13, 2006
On second thought, maybe this isn't a good idea. I have to agree with the men--actions speak louder than words. Do something unexpected such as unzipping him at the table.
I still think your beau may need a little time to loosen up. If you haven't had sex in a long while there is a reason for it. Better to have a nice relaxing time together and ease into sex.
But, what the hell do I know, maybe a good BJ at the door is all that's needed to end your slump.
posted by LoriFLA at 9:01 PM on November 13, 2006
If you think you can get away with it, cuff him, push him onto the floor and fuck him. Works great and there isn't a hell of a lot of ambiguity to confuse him.
posted by jet_silver at 9:01 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by jet_silver at 9:01 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
Sex involves motion and if I'm really full, that motion is a lot less fun.
Sex first food later.
Most men are simple creatures. Don't overthink this.
Bingo. Stick to the basics, cheerleader, french maid, school girl, naked...
Or just blow him right there at the front door.
Please, for the sake of the neighbors, close the door first (or don't, it's your kink).
posted by Pollomacho at 9:02 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
Sex first food later.
Most men are simple creatures. Don't overthink this.
Bingo. Stick to the basics, cheerleader, french maid, school girl, naked...
Or just blow him right there at the front door.
Please, for the sake of the neighbors, close the door first (or don't, it's your kink).
posted by Pollomacho at 9:02 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
I think posters are missing the tone of this seduction: you love him, he's your long-term boyfriend, but things are rocky, and as deep and complex as that relationship is, a bj at the door will likely not produce the sense of lasting adored-ness and satisfaction I'm guessing you're looking to produce.
You're right on with candles. The idea is to wordlessly clue him into the fact that you're going to take your time pleasuring him for as long as humanly possible. Have your champagne with strawberries, do your hair/makeup, make dinner, buy a new dress to go over the lingerie, even. Make it as much a production as possible. Turn on the music - something sensual to you, and hop on his lap after dinner, draw out the foreplay from there, with or without actual conventional stripping. Putting yourself in the mood is probably the way to make him feel sexiest.
Make sure to tell him you love him and how handsome and sexy he is. Don't be afraid to get things going on your own beforehand or in the restroom a bit, so he can find you "ready" down there.... dig? Then do every sex act in the book. Blindfold him?... maybe not, but I have had good feedback from disallowing him to lift a finger.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:08 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
You're right on with candles. The idea is to wordlessly clue him into the fact that you're going to take your time pleasuring him for as long as humanly possible. Have your champagne with strawberries, do your hair/makeup, make dinner, buy a new dress to go over the lingerie, even. Make it as much a production as possible. Turn on the music - something sensual to you, and hop on his lap after dinner, draw out the foreplay from there, with or without actual conventional stripping. Putting yourself in the mood is probably the way to make him feel sexiest.
Make sure to tell him you love him and how handsome and sexy he is. Don't be afraid to get things going on your own beforehand or in the restroom a bit, so he can find you "ready" down there.... dig? Then do every sex act in the book. Blindfold him?... maybe not, but I have had good feedback from disallowing him to lift a finger.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:08 PM on November 13, 2006 [1 favorite]
honestly...(I'm a guy)...I'm a bit concerned that you're setting yourself up for disappointment. If you haven't been having sex *at all* for quite a while, then there is quite possibly something wrong that garters and candles aren't going to change.
I was once in a relationship with a very attractive but very disturbed woman. I was sitting across from her in a cafe, thinking about how poorly everything was going between us. Suddenly, she looked me in the eye and said with the utmost sincerity: 'Let's go back to your place and fuck.'
I'm here to tell you, that was just about the dumbest thing she could have possibly said in that moment. It was so obvious, so transparently desperate. It felt to me like she was saying 'I've given up on trying to actually have a connection with you. I'm just lonely and insecure and I don't want to get dumped. Maybe I can hold on to you a bit longer by doing something sexually aggressive.'
It bored and annoyed me. I broke up with her soon after that. YMMV.
posted by bingo at 9:11 PM on November 13, 2006 [2 favorites]
I was once in a relationship with a very attractive but very disturbed woman. I was sitting across from her in a cafe, thinking about how poorly everything was going between us. Suddenly, she looked me in the eye and said with the utmost sincerity: 'Let's go back to your place and fuck.'
I'm here to tell you, that was just about the dumbest thing she could have possibly said in that moment. It was so obvious, so transparently desperate. It felt to me like she was saying 'I've given up on trying to actually have a connection with you. I'm just lonely and insecure and I don't want to get dumped. Maybe I can hold on to you a bit longer by doing something sexually aggressive.'
It bored and annoyed me. I broke up with her soon after that. YMMV.
posted by bingo at 9:11 PM on November 13, 2006 [2 favorites]
To complicate matters we've been in a sexual slump for a while (as in not doing it at all)
There are a lot of implications to this statement, depending on the reasons for the two of you not having good sexual space, which I only highlight as a warning. For instance, if there's any self-consciousness or uncomfortable feelings for him around the sexual absence, it may backfire to, say, open the door wrapped in saranwrap, or other things similarly overt.
You may want to focus less on the sexual aspect up front, and more on the intimate angle. Sometimes, if things have been shaky, it's good to warm each other up first. Find spaces that are intimate between the two of you, accentuate them. Find relaxing space. Have some wine, if that's your thing. Create a really nice, cozy evening, and when the ball is rolling, the sexual space will follow naturally.
posted by Brak at 9:16 PM on November 13, 2006
There are a lot of implications to this statement, depending on the reasons for the two of you not having good sexual space, which I only highlight as a warning. For instance, if there's any self-consciousness or uncomfortable feelings for him around the sexual absence, it may backfire to, say, open the door wrapped in saranwrap, or other things similarly overt.
You may want to focus less on the sexual aspect up front, and more on the intimate angle. Sometimes, if things have been shaky, it's good to warm each other up first. Find spaces that are intimate between the two of you, accentuate them. Find relaxing space. Have some wine, if that's your thing. Create a really nice, cozy evening, and when the ball is rolling, the sexual space will follow naturally.
posted by Brak at 9:16 PM on November 13, 2006
This is sort of a not-at-all-delicate question.. but do you want to seduce him and make love, or seduce him and get railed? The lingerie, music, champagne, candles, etc. set a mood for romantic love-making, which is nice, but probably not your boyfriend's seduction fantasy (yes, I am being completely stereotypical).
If you want to spice things up, starting early in the day, send him text messages/phone calls/etc. alluding to sex. Be as graphic as you feel comfortable. This will get you both thinking about it all day so that when you finally get home, you are primed. If you want to keep it a surprise, I second Ambrosia Voyeur's suggestion of doing a little self-priming beforehand - I know that if it's been a while since you've had sex, sometimes it can take a little extra time to get the engine revving again.
Once you get home, make sure you have things set up so the bed (or whatever) is ready for you. Candles are romantic, but guys like to see you naked, so get some light thats somewhere between candle and football stadium.
Lingerie - you know your boyfriend best - does he grab your ass whenever you wear a thong? Does he love when you wear cute dresses? Skirts/garters? Whatever he likes, sex it up and there is your lingerie.
Props like blindfolds are okay, but IMO the hottest sex doesn't involve anything more than the two of you.
(All of this is based on the premise that your slump is merely the product of over-extended schedules, or other non-relationship-threatening problems.)
posted by gatorae at 9:18 PM on November 13, 2006
If you want to spice things up, starting early in the day, send him text messages/phone calls/etc. alluding to sex. Be as graphic as you feel comfortable. This will get you both thinking about it all day so that when you finally get home, you are primed. If you want to keep it a surprise, I second Ambrosia Voyeur's suggestion of doing a little self-priming beforehand - I know that if it's been a while since you've had sex, sometimes it can take a little extra time to get the engine revving again.
Once you get home, make sure you have things set up so the bed (or whatever) is ready for you. Candles are romantic, but guys like to see you naked, so get some light thats somewhere between candle and football stadium.
Lingerie - you know your boyfriend best - does he grab your ass whenever you wear a thong? Does he love when you wear cute dresses? Skirts/garters? Whatever he likes, sex it up and there is your lingerie.
Props like blindfolds are okay, but IMO the hottest sex doesn't involve anything more than the two of you.
(All of this is based on the premise that your slump is merely the product of over-extended schedules, or other non-relationship-threatening problems.)
posted by gatorae at 9:18 PM on November 13, 2006
I agree that men are simple creatures. There are lots of good ideas here...the most important thing is to pick something that you've never done before so it will be a complete surprise.
Ideas...if he's sleeping over wake him up in the middle of the night (or first thing) with some mouth action. Pull him into the bathroom at a restaurant. Ask for something raunchy you've never done before. Bring home a toy. I'd say don't bother with the candles...but wine sure is nice.
posted by mintchip at 9:22 PM on November 13, 2006
Ideas...if he's sleeping over wake him up in the middle of the night (or first thing) with some mouth action. Pull him into the bathroom at a restaurant. Ask for something raunchy you've never done before. Bring home a toy. I'd say don't bother with the candles...but wine sure is nice.
posted by mintchip at 9:22 PM on November 13, 2006
nth-ing the KISS approach. (not to call you S)
Play to his senses; you know what he likes and what he doesn't. If you've had a candlelight dinner before - was he into it or did he merely put up with it?
A standby in my relationship is getting surprised, sorta, in the shower. It's strictly a "once in a while" type of thing, but my SO and I have learned to leave one of the doors to our bathroom unlocked during shower time, just in case one of us (the non-showerer) is up to it. YMMV.
If something simple doesn't work, dust yourself off and go for broke. Have a little wine with dinner, and catch him standing up/still. If you start undressing him, he'll get the idea. Good luck.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 9:44 PM on November 13, 2006
Play to his senses; you know what he likes and what he doesn't. If you've had a candlelight dinner before - was he into it or did he merely put up with it?
A standby in my relationship is getting surprised, sorta, in the shower. It's strictly a "once in a while" type of thing, but my SO and I have learned to leave one of the doors to our bathroom unlocked during shower time, just in case one of us (the non-showerer) is up to it. YMMV.
If something simple doesn't work, dust yourself off and go for broke. Have a little wine with dinner, and catch him standing up/still. If you start undressing him, he'll get the idea. Good luck.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 9:44 PM on November 13, 2006
Response by poster: I agree with bingo and Brak that this could be a terrible idea depending on the reasons for the sexual slump. If it's emotional intimacy issues, if you guys are questioning the reasons for the relationship, a hot fuck is not going to be the answer. If it's based on bad luck (too many long workdays, not being able to see you for one reason or another), one or both partners being tired, body image issues, or simply getting bored with same-old, same-old, go ahead.
If you want to make love, a nice dinner and/or movie and/or massage will get you going. Candles, a trail of rose petals, whatnot, I guess it depends how traditionally romantic he is. If you want to fuck, put on the lingerie, put on the fuck-me boots, and as soon as he closes the door grab him, push him against it, and make your intentions clear. You'll know pretty quickly whether or not he wants to. I mean, I am not a guy, but I find this approach pretty hot. Or stripteases.
posted by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on November 13, 2006
If you want to make love, a nice dinner and/or movie and/or massage will get you going. Candles, a trail of rose petals, whatnot, I guess it depends how traditionally romantic he is. If you want to fuck, put on the lingerie, put on the fuck-me boots, and as soon as he closes the door grab him, push him against it, and make your intentions clear. You'll know pretty quickly whether or not he wants to. I mean, I am not a guy, but I find this approach pretty hot. Or stripteases.
posted by Anonymous at 10:21 PM on November 13, 2006
Assuming all else is well, go out to dinner, wearing a skirt or a dress and then let him know you have no panties on.
posted by b33j at 10:35 PM on November 13, 2006
posted by b33j at 10:35 PM on November 13, 2006
probably the best idea i've ever come up with on the spur of the moment was to simply hand him my panties under the table. yea we had both had a couple drinks but good heavens did his eyes light up.
best. sex. EVER was consummated immediately afterwards.
and yea it helps to really know your guy and i'm assuming the slump has been stress-related and not due to major relationship ills.
posted by lonefrontranger at 10:46 PM on November 13, 2006
best. sex. EVER was consummated immediately afterwards.
and yea it helps to really know your guy and i'm assuming the slump has been stress-related and not due to major relationship ills.
posted by lonefrontranger at 10:46 PM on November 13, 2006
I was once in a relationship with a very attractive but very disturbed woman. I was sitting across from her in a cafe, thinking about how poorly everything was going between us. Suddenly, she looked me in the eye and said with the utmost sincerity: 'Let's go back to your place and fuck.'
Um, I have to disagree. Its a birthday and something not unexpected that a girlfriend wants to give you things you very much like for your day.
I suggest that you wear a sexy but not totally fuck-me outfit. Something you know he likes, but leaves some ambiguity as to exactly what is going on. Also his best specific body parts that you like, let him know that, shoulders, etc. If he's anything like me, he will like it.
Second the compliments suggestion above. Don't call him handsome, his mom says that. Wait a while, let the champagne do its work on both of you--then as you are goofing around then just blurt it out when it feels best to you. Then make your move. This is the suprise part. Don't say anything, like how you want him or fuck me or anything unless that is how you usually talk. In essence, allow yourself to appreciate him and then vocalize and act on it the way you normally do.
Skip most stuff out of the ordinary. It may seem forced. Make sure that he knows that it isn't just going through the motions for his birthday, but that you really think he is sexy and you long to feel that way with him again.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 PM on November 13, 2006
Um, I have to disagree. Its a birthday and something not unexpected that a girlfriend wants to give you things you very much like for your day.
I suggest that you wear a sexy but not totally fuck-me outfit. Something you know he likes, but leaves some ambiguity as to exactly what is going on. Also his best specific body parts that you like, let him know that, shoulders, etc. If he's anything like me, he will like it.
Second the compliments suggestion above. Don't call him handsome, his mom says that. Wait a while, let the champagne do its work on both of you--then as you are goofing around then just blurt it out when it feels best to you. Then make your move. This is the suprise part. Don't say anything, like how you want him or fuck me or anything unless that is how you usually talk. In essence, allow yourself to appreciate him and then vocalize and act on it the way you normally do.
Skip most stuff out of the ordinary. It may seem forced. Make sure that he knows that it isn't just going through the motions for his birthday, but that you really think he is sexy and you long to feel that way with him again.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:06 PM on November 13, 2006
About four years ago, I was dating someone during a particularly hectic time in both of our lives. Three weeks or so went by without us having sex, and one day (driving to a lunch meeting with a client, nonetheless) I got a text message from her that said:
I hope you understand how badly I need to get fucked tonight.
Part of the thrill was that I had to wait roughly seven hours to see her. But another was that she cultivated such an air of disdainful propriety that reading something she wrote that was so base was a definite turn-on.
I'm not sure it will work for you--do you work in an art gallery and have never been photographed smiling?--but it certainly got us out of our slump. Four years later she's married to a biotech engineer and lives in Seattle, but I still have that text message locked and saved, and it's migrated through at least five new phones.
Add my voice to the chorus started by Bingo, et al. If there's something going on with your boyfriend, the whole seduction plan might be a terrible idea. If you suspect this is the case, maybe you should skip the lingerie and rose petals and have a talk about the problem. How delightful.
posted by Ian A.T. at 11:09 PM on November 13, 2006
I hope you understand how badly I need to get fucked tonight.
Part of the thrill was that I had to wait roughly seven hours to see her. But another was that she cultivated such an air of disdainful propriety that reading something she wrote that was so base was a definite turn-on.
I'm not sure it will work for you--do you work in an art gallery and have never been photographed smiling?--but it certainly got us out of our slump. Four years later she's married to a biotech engineer and lives in Seattle, but I still have that text message locked and saved, and it's migrated through at least five new phones.
Add my voice to the chorus started by Bingo, et al. If there's something going on with your boyfriend, the whole seduction plan might be a terrible idea. If you suspect this is the case, maybe you should skip the lingerie and rose petals and have a talk about the problem. How delightful.
posted by Ian A.T. at 11:09 PM on November 13, 2006
If you suspect this is the case, maybe you should skip the lingerie and rose petals and have a talk about the problem. How delightful.
I'd wait until after his birthday for that talk though.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:14 PM on November 13, 2006
I'd wait until after his birthday for that talk though.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:14 PM on November 13, 2006
Forgive me, hive mind. As I preview this I realize I have written some sort of AskMe slash fiction and even hesitate to post this.
Show up at his office on the day of his birthday. Don't do it at lunch. You want to minimize the time he sees you to just a tantalizing few seconds. You're wearing a full length trench coat over your sexy new lingerie. You walk in and say casually, "I couldn't wait to give you your birthday present." Tease him. If his work isn't in a private office, find a private space or find a way to flash him discretely. Maybe get a Polaroid of you in the lingerie and write something in red pen like, "Happy birthday" on the bottom or back. Have an excuse to leave ready. As soon as he shows a hint of interest, you have to go.
When he comes home, don't be wearing your lingerie. Wear lounging around the house clothing. Pretend the whole thing never happen. Go as far as telling him you don't know what he's talking about. Confuse him, don't make him angry. If things get choppy, flirt. Throw in a wink or a longing kiss, but then go back to you're little game. Keep dropping hints until he understands not to fight.
This next part takes a little practice and can spook some people, so YMMV. If he's hip to the bondage idea, and don't lead on to this at all, get him to sit in a chair that you can stand behind and rub his shoulders. Unbutton his top button. Loosen his tie. Rub his shoulders the way he prefers. Get him to relax. Wash away the day, but nothing overtly sexual. When he's begun to relax, throw in a nibble on the ear, a tongue dragged lightly over his earlobe, and a warm, breathy smile in his ear. Kiss his neck while your hands work their way down his arms. Scratch, hard enough that he can feel it if he has sleeves, from his hands to his shoulders, then use the palms of your hands to pull him toward you and the back of the chair as your hands push down his chest, out to his sides, and then slightly under his pants. Rinse and repeat, getting closer to, uh, you know, every time. By the time you gradually brush against him, he should be ready.
The key here is to stay in control. Some guys will give into passion and start kissing, so when it's convenient, slap on the hand cuffs behind him. Here's some advice on handcuffs. They are uncomfortable and dangerous. Make sure they are not on tight and that he's relaxed and willing when you do it. Padded handcuffs work better, but scarves and rope is even better, but require knowing how to tie knots. Make sure he's as bare chested as you want him before you do this, otherwise you may find yourself having to stop to uncuff at some point. I recommend getting his shirt opened, his chest scratched, kissed, and his nipples played with before you go for the handcuffs.
Now, at this point, he's in a chair, bare chested, and being attended to in a way that's hard to say no to. But he's probably hungry and thirsty. Once he's in the cuffs, he's yours. What you do with him is your choice, but might I recommend you do not relieve him (with your hands, mouth, vagina, or otherwise) quite yet. You're a consummate tease now. Unbuckle his belt and pants. Rub through his underwear, not under it yet. Scratch downward from his chest to his legs, casually reminding him you know what's there, but that you're teasing him. Gradually spend more and more time where it's probably most pleasurable, but don't relieve him.
You'll need to have food ready, so quite in the middle of a good thing you're going to get up without saying a word and disappear to the kitchen. Let him ask all the questions he wants, but you're just going to say, "You be a good boy and stay right there." Now the blindfold. Make sure it's comfortable, but functional. Return from the kitchen with some champagne, some sliced fruit strawberries, whipped cream, melted chocolate (fondue is probably the best here), and some other food you can feed him. When you return, you're in your lingerie. Despite being in your comfortable clothing before, you were showered, shaved, and smell the way he likes it. He can't see you, so light candles, incense, and turn out the lights. You may need to appease him while you do all this with a nibble or two of food, a sip of your choice of nectar, or perhaps a bit of attention to keep him warm.
When you're back to him, your going to feed him some foods in creative ways. At first it's simple hand to mouth. Then mouth to mouth. Then it's your turn to nibble a bit off his neck, some off his chest. You're not kissing him yet, you're teasing. It sounds like a broken record, but it's important. Be creative. You're not feeding him a meal or getting him drunk here. It's awkward to be feed, especially drinks, so the food here is a toy and a way to hold him over for dinner. (Have his favorite meal waiting for when you're done.)
Now, if you have a sense of rhythm and can pull off a lap dance, more power to you if you can, this is your time. He's still blindfolded and cuffed, so begin by feeding him his last bit off food while you sit on his lap facing him. Make sure he's sitting in a relaxed position. Essentially, he'll need his hips forward so there's a lot of lap. Also make sure the important bits are pointing towards his head and that his dangly bits are not going to get squished. Use your hand if necessary, but do it sensually and as part of the attention you're giving him, not like you're just moving some bits around. Ride him over his under shorts, rub his face along the silhouette of your body, along every line of your front. Rub your face along his neck, blow in his ear. Do it all. Maybe you need some soft music to help you move. This isn't the hokey pokey here, so make sure while your attending to his upper body that his lower body gets constant friction.
At this point, you should get off his lap, walk behind him, and remove the blind fold. Instruct him to keep looking forward. Maintain your control over him, but in a way that he understands you're not done yet. Walk around him, but keep yourself facing away from him. The tease continues visually, but it's best if he catches a couple of longing glances of your profile. Sit in his lap and continue the dance. You're essentially using your bits to massage his bits. Be careful not to relieve him. Lean back and wiggle. Lean forward and ride. After a while, remove his hand cuffs and continue. If he's not pawing at you or barking to be freed, help him along by guiding his hands along your curves. In the end, you're going to do everything you can to continue to give him attention, read that as keeping him hard, while not relieving him. Turn around and ride him facing front and start kissing. You can start to let loose here and be more sexual and less of a tease.
Now, if you want something out of this, I'd say let the boy go to town. If he's not so immensely turned on by this point that he doesn't give it to you right, well, I can recommend some good vibrators. On the other hand, if this night is entirely about him, maybe this is where you relieve him in the manner he most desires. After all of this attention, he should be able to be relieved easily in any manner. Now is a great time to do things that would normally take too long: a hand job, a blow job, a boob job, or other things more erotic than I care to write on Metafilter. (Which is funny to read as I preview this!)
You'll have to improvise where necessary. He may not like strawberries, for example, so you might have to find some other fun finger fruit that goes well with chocolate. While I can't assure you this will work or even that your sexual roles fall into these guesses, I can tell you that most anyone can really enjoy being teased and having attention lavished on them. If he's kinkier than this vanilla scenario, might I recommend a good flogging, nipple clamps, a cock ring, or some good anal play before you relieve him? If he's less kinky than this scenario, perhaps you ought to start out with some alcohol to help him relax.
posted by sequential at 11:33 PM on November 13, 2006 [3 favorites]
Show up at his office on the day of his birthday. Don't do it at lunch. You want to minimize the time he sees you to just a tantalizing few seconds. You're wearing a full length trench coat over your sexy new lingerie. You walk in and say casually, "I couldn't wait to give you your birthday present." Tease him. If his work isn't in a private office, find a private space or find a way to flash him discretely. Maybe get a Polaroid of you in the lingerie and write something in red pen like, "Happy birthday" on the bottom or back. Have an excuse to leave ready. As soon as he shows a hint of interest, you have to go.
When he comes home, don't be wearing your lingerie. Wear lounging around the house clothing. Pretend the whole thing never happen. Go as far as telling him you don't know what he's talking about. Confuse him, don't make him angry. If things get choppy, flirt. Throw in a wink or a longing kiss, but then go back to you're little game. Keep dropping hints until he understands not to fight.
This next part takes a little practice and can spook some people, so YMMV. If he's hip to the bondage idea, and don't lead on to this at all, get him to sit in a chair that you can stand behind and rub his shoulders. Unbutton his top button. Loosen his tie. Rub his shoulders the way he prefers. Get him to relax. Wash away the day, but nothing overtly sexual. When he's begun to relax, throw in a nibble on the ear, a tongue dragged lightly over his earlobe, and a warm, breathy smile in his ear. Kiss his neck while your hands work their way down his arms. Scratch, hard enough that he can feel it if he has sleeves, from his hands to his shoulders, then use the palms of your hands to pull him toward you and the back of the chair as your hands push down his chest, out to his sides, and then slightly under his pants. Rinse and repeat, getting closer to, uh, you know, every time. By the time you gradually brush against him, he should be ready.
The key here is to stay in control. Some guys will give into passion and start kissing, so when it's convenient, slap on the hand cuffs behind him. Here's some advice on handcuffs. They are uncomfortable and dangerous. Make sure they are not on tight and that he's relaxed and willing when you do it. Padded handcuffs work better, but scarves and rope is even better, but require knowing how to tie knots. Make sure he's as bare chested as you want him before you do this, otherwise you may find yourself having to stop to uncuff at some point. I recommend getting his shirt opened, his chest scratched, kissed, and his nipples played with before you go for the handcuffs.
Now, at this point, he's in a chair, bare chested, and being attended to in a way that's hard to say no to. But he's probably hungry and thirsty. Once he's in the cuffs, he's yours. What you do with him is your choice, but might I recommend you do not relieve him (with your hands, mouth, vagina, or otherwise) quite yet. You're a consummate tease now. Unbuckle his belt and pants. Rub through his underwear, not under it yet. Scratch downward from his chest to his legs, casually reminding him you know what's there, but that you're teasing him. Gradually spend more and more time where it's probably most pleasurable, but don't relieve him.
You'll need to have food ready, so quite in the middle of a good thing you're going to get up without saying a word and disappear to the kitchen. Let him ask all the questions he wants, but you're just going to say, "You be a good boy and stay right there." Now the blindfold. Make sure it's comfortable, but functional. Return from the kitchen with some champagne, some sliced fruit strawberries, whipped cream, melted chocolate (fondue is probably the best here), and some other food you can feed him. When you return, you're in your lingerie. Despite being in your comfortable clothing before, you were showered, shaved, and smell the way he likes it. He can't see you, so light candles, incense, and turn out the lights. You may need to appease him while you do all this with a nibble or two of food, a sip of your choice of nectar, or perhaps a bit of attention to keep him warm.
When you're back to him, your going to feed him some foods in creative ways. At first it's simple hand to mouth. Then mouth to mouth. Then it's your turn to nibble a bit off his neck, some off his chest. You're not kissing him yet, you're teasing. It sounds like a broken record, but it's important. Be creative. You're not feeding him a meal or getting him drunk here. It's awkward to be feed, especially drinks, so the food here is a toy and a way to hold him over for dinner. (Have his favorite meal waiting for when you're done.)
Now, if you have a sense of rhythm and can pull off a lap dance, more power to you if you can, this is your time. He's still blindfolded and cuffed, so begin by feeding him his last bit off food while you sit on his lap facing him. Make sure he's sitting in a relaxed position. Essentially, he'll need his hips forward so there's a lot of lap. Also make sure the important bits are pointing towards his head and that his dangly bits are not going to get squished. Use your hand if necessary, but do it sensually and as part of the attention you're giving him, not like you're just moving some bits around. Ride him over his under shorts, rub his face along the silhouette of your body, along every line of your front. Rub your face along his neck, blow in his ear. Do it all. Maybe you need some soft music to help you move. This isn't the hokey pokey here, so make sure while your attending to his upper body that his lower body gets constant friction.
At this point, you should get off his lap, walk behind him, and remove the blind fold. Instruct him to keep looking forward. Maintain your control over him, but in a way that he understands you're not done yet. Walk around him, but keep yourself facing away from him. The tease continues visually, but it's best if he catches a couple of longing glances of your profile. Sit in his lap and continue the dance. You're essentially using your bits to massage his bits. Be careful not to relieve him. Lean back and wiggle. Lean forward and ride. After a while, remove his hand cuffs and continue. If he's not pawing at you or barking to be freed, help him along by guiding his hands along your curves. In the end, you're going to do everything you can to continue to give him attention, read that as keeping him hard, while not relieving him. Turn around and ride him facing front and start kissing. You can start to let loose here and be more sexual and less of a tease.
Now, if you want something out of this, I'd say let the boy go to town. If he's not so immensely turned on by this point that he doesn't give it to you right, well, I can recommend some good vibrators. On the other hand, if this night is entirely about him, maybe this is where you relieve him in the manner he most desires. After all of this attention, he should be able to be relieved easily in any manner. Now is a great time to do things that would normally take too long: a hand job, a blow job, a boob job, or other things more erotic than I care to write on Metafilter. (Which is funny to read as I preview this!)
You'll have to improvise where necessary. He may not like strawberries, for example, so you might have to find some other fun finger fruit that goes well with chocolate. While I can't assure you this will work or even that your sexual roles fall into these guesses, I can tell you that most anyone can really enjoy being teased and having attention lavished on them. If he's kinkier than this vanilla scenario, might I recommend a good flogging, nipple clamps, a cock ring, or some good anal play before you relieve him? If he's less kinky than this scenario, perhaps you ought to start out with some alcohol to help him relax.
posted by sequential at 11:33 PM on November 13, 2006 [3 favorites]
Err, AskMe fan fiction, not slash fiction. Never mind me.
posted by sequential at 11:35 PM on November 13, 2006
posted by sequential at 11:35 PM on November 13, 2006
3rd, 4th, 5th what everyone's saying - if you two aren't having sex right now, don't go trying to seduce him. I mean, maybe it will work. Who knows. All I'm saying is that, as someone who did the very thing you're proposing for a boyfriend's birthday... yeah, it didn't work out. At all. I had to take care of myself in the bathroom and went to bed raving mad.
What I suggest: spring it on him. When he walks in the door after work, jump him. Not literally, unless ya'll have done that before and know he likes it.
posted by damnjezebel at 12:32 AM on November 14, 2006
What I suggest: spring it on him. When he walks in the door after work, jump him. Not literally, unless ya'll have done that before and know he likes it.
posted by damnjezebel at 12:32 AM on November 14, 2006
Though it's entirely possible that I've missed the point entirely, I do know that a combination of many things, like aging, children, and work, can result in both a reduced sexual desire and prolonged periods without sex. These types of things don't necessarily indicate trouble in a relationship, though they are certainly things you should discuss with your partner. Menopause, surgery, stress, depression, illness, and many other common, but not necessarily relationship threatening things cause sex not to happen. In other words, the lack of sex is not really a good indicator of a relationship gone wrong.
The anonymous poster does indicate it's a long-term relationship. Though long-term for some people might mean "I saw them the next morning", I think we have to take the asker at face value. It is common for long-term relationships to go through sexual slumps. Furthermore, there's nothing less sexy than having one of those conversations when you could be drunk, in hand cuffs, while your girlfriend does something special.
Read the question again. She's fishing for ideas, not relationship advice. On the other hand, if many of these comments ring true with you anonymous, then the posters might be on to something.
posted by sequential at 1:31 AM on November 14, 2006
The anonymous poster does indicate it's a long-term relationship. Though long-term for some people might mean "I saw them the next morning", I think we have to take the asker at face value. It is common for long-term relationships to go through sexual slumps. Furthermore, there's nothing less sexy than having one of those conversations when you could be drunk, in hand cuffs, while your girlfriend does something special.
Read the question again. She's fishing for ideas, not relationship advice. On the other hand, if many of these comments ring true with you anonymous, then the posters might be on to something.
posted by sequential at 1:31 AM on November 14, 2006
If tiredness and schedules are the issue, consider that he may be too tired after work on the given day. Consider celebrating another day -- on the weekend, or arrange a holiday, whatever. Otherwise, sex before the meal is definitely a good idea. I can just imagine a long day at work, a nice meal, wine, candles, and... zzzzzzz.
If you suspect a capital-P Problem in the relationship, the seduction scene however you attempt it may completely backfire. If I had to endorse one of the suggestions put forward here so far, however, the panties-under-the-table at dinner is not a bad idea.
But *don't* go raving mad if you don't immediately get the reaction you want. Maybe there is something on his mind. So talk about it. Make-up sex can be awesome, too, and wouldn't that be a nice segue for the relationship?
posted by dreamsign at 1:42 AM on November 14, 2006
If you suspect a capital-P Problem in the relationship, the seduction scene however you attempt it may completely backfire. If I had to endorse one of the suggestions put forward here so far, however, the panties-under-the-table at dinner is not a bad idea.
But *don't* go raving mad if you don't immediately get the reaction you want. Maybe there is something on his mind. So talk about it. Make-up sex can be awesome, too, and wouldn't that be a nice segue for the relationship?
posted by dreamsign at 1:42 AM on November 14, 2006
Most men need exactly two things to start feeling sexy:
1. Him.
2. Woman.
If you feel like it, you can get involved with the seduction or you can, like MacGyver, just make it happen with what's handy.
posted by Jon-o at 3:59 AM on November 14, 2006
1. Him.
2. Woman.
If you feel like it, you can get involved with the seduction or you can, like MacGyver, just make it happen with what's handy.
posted by Jon-o at 3:59 AM on November 14, 2006
Make sure you're emotionally prepared for any reaction from him; it's about making him feel good & happy, not about your needs (if it's a gift). Also make sure you're well-rested enough to take your time or be very energetic and fast, whatever he wants. If you can somehow assure that he'll be well-rested, too, that would be good.
posted by amtho at 6:07 AM on November 14, 2006
posted by amtho at 6:07 AM on November 14, 2006
Could you maybe have "the talk" sometime before his birthday? As I read and nod my head to bingo et al, I am feeling very worried that rather than this being a night to remember, it could become a painful nexus point.
When you say "it's his birthday", do you mean today?
If so, I'd honestly avoid a big seduction scene that could lead to heartbreak and tears.
Men don't need to be seduced. What would work for me, what I would find really sexy, is if you could just get some snuggle / kissy action going, and once the intimacy has started, beg to suck his cock. Be really earnest and honest about it. Use the word "please", like you really mean it.
Then, if he allows you, blow him. Do a really good job, and let him finish like that, with no obligation or expectation that anything else needs to happen. If that is not a part of you guys' normal repertoire, make sure he understands that tonight it can be JUST a blowjob.
But if he puts up resistance, be willing to back off. Have "the talk" another day.
posted by Brave New Meatbomb at 7:33 AM on November 14, 2006
When you say "it's his birthday", do you mean today?
If so, I'd honestly avoid a big seduction scene that could lead to heartbreak and tears.
Men don't need to be seduced. What would work for me, what I would find really sexy, is if you could just get some snuggle / kissy action going, and once the intimacy has started, beg to suck his cock. Be really earnest and honest about it. Use the word "please", like you really mean it.
Then, if he allows you, blow him. Do a really good job, and let him finish like that, with no obligation or expectation that anything else needs to happen. If that is not a part of you guys' normal repertoire, make sure he understands that tonight it can be JUST a blowjob.
But if he puts up resistance, be willing to back off. Have "the talk" another day.
posted by Brave New Meatbomb at 7:33 AM on November 14, 2006
Regarding the side question, for first time sexy lingerie, I think a black (slimming color = hooray!) or black and tan/nude combo would be ideal.
A balconette, triangle or demi bra or a babydoll top with boyshorts is good choice. I wouldn't necessarily go with a thong because I think covering up is a lot more sexy (plus, no butt floss also = hooray!). Also, if you'd like to cover up more, I'd suggest black thigh high stay up stockings (perhaps fishnets or these which are more opaque). For shoes, black high heeled patent leather Mary Janes. (You can get a pair here.)
Also, it's not just what you are wearing, but how you are wearing it. If you are wearing lingerie but look shy or uncomfortable, it's not as sexy as being like "Yeah, I KNOW I look awesome in this. Have at it, man!"
Bare Necessities has some really nice choices that range from the affordable to high end.
posted by spec80 at 4:38 PM on November 14, 2006
A balconette, triangle or demi bra or a babydoll top with boyshorts is good choice. I wouldn't necessarily go with a thong because I think covering up is a lot more sexy (plus, no butt floss also = hooray!). Also, if you'd like to cover up more, I'd suggest black thigh high stay up stockings (perhaps fishnets or these which are more opaque). For shoes, black high heeled patent leather Mary Janes. (You can get a pair here.)
Also, it's not just what you are wearing, but how you are wearing it. If you are wearing lingerie but look shy or uncomfortable, it's not as sexy as being like "Yeah, I KNOW I look awesome in this. Have at it, man!"
Bare Necessities has some really nice choices that range from the affordable to high end.
posted by spec80 at 4:38 PM on November 14, 2006
I would go for lingerie that plays up the part of your body he seems to like the most.
posted by brujita at 8:58 PM on November 14, 2006
posted by brujita at 8:58 PM on November 14, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by caddis at 8:23 PM on November 13, 2006