Help me help a long-distance friend through a parent's death.

October 13, 2006 5:37 PM

A close friend has just had a parent die after a long illness. For reasons I won't go into the situation is very, very bad overall, and I want to be as supportive as I possibly can be on the long road of handling something like this.

Excellent answers such as this one about helping people through family deaths have been really helpful, but my situation has the added problem of being far away from my friend. How can I be supportive in a situation where presence is more imprtant than words, when I can't be present?

posted by AthenaPolias to human relations (12 comments total)

You can go on high-phone-availability alert. There are times when you need to know that you can reach someone at any time to talk. Part of this is your calling your friend the right amount. You can't always count on the bereaved to initiate. But first, you should let the person know that you will answer your phone 24/7 and you WANT them to call. If they don't, try calling every few days at a reasonable time to check up. Let them talk as long as they want.

Others might disagree, but when someone I know is going through difficult shit I find it's honest and compassionate to just say "I'm sorry" to them.

"This sucks so bad, I'm so sorry." It's not your fault the parent died but this is a very frank expression of sympathy. Much more direct than "if there's anything I can do..."
posted by scarabic at 5:55 PM on October 13, 2006

I find its honest and compassionate to admit (with them) that it is in fact difficult shit, and that it sucks.

That said, I think true compassion does a little more than say "I'm sorry" - it says also "How can I help?"

And never underestimate the power of touch. Touch comforts people.
posted by allkindsoftime at 6:13 PM on October 13, 2006

I second the, "This sucks so bad, I'm so sorry" sentiment. When my father died last year (under very emotionally complicated circumstances) I really hated how people struggled to find the right thing to say. There is no magic word, so I found the most comfort in the simple validation of yes, this utterly blows. It saves them from having to think of the correct, polite response when their brain is probably fried.

High phone availability is also a good idea. Just let them know that you're ready to be their cheerleader/sympathetic ear/person to rage at any time they need you. Also, think about sending them a fun present that's just for them. No flowers, they'll get plenty of those, but something personal and amusing related to their interests that they might not buy themselves. Books or movies (maybe all by a favorite author or actor), a bacon or beer of the month thing, or a cuddly throw blanket or whimsical pajamas. Or maybe see if you can hire someone to come clean the house.
posted by mostlymartha at 6:21 PM on October 13, 2006

This isn't exactly an answer to your question, but maybe you can find it of use regardless...

When my step-father became gravely ill with cancer, and my mother was with him constantly in the hospital, she told me that she was sick of people asking if there was anything they could do to help - you know, watch the dog, bring in the mail, mow the yard, etc. She wished they would stop asking and just go ahead an DO it. Kind of odd, but in retrospect understandable.

Maybe one thing you could do is pass on to the people that ARE in proximity to your friend that they could probably help by taking care of some of the small complexities of every day life while he deals with the issue at hand.
posted by matty at 6:23 PM on October 13, 2006

She wished they would stop asking and just go ahead an DO it.

When I was in leadership training in the military, that's exactly what they taught us to do when taking care of a grieving family. If the gesture will be welcomed, you don't ask; you do it.
posted by rolypolyman at 6:31 PM on October 13, 2006

I second or third the don't ask. No one is going to take you up on it. If you really want to help, do so.
,
Say what you feel. i.e. "this sucks" or "I really don't know what to say".

If the friend wants to talk then listen. After listening be sure to get back to them the next day. I found a lot of people said I could talk to them (phone, e-mail, IM, irl) but after I did talk many avoided me for sometime after. If you really can't deal with the raw feelings you may hear then do not offer to listen. To do so is not helpful.
posted by arse_hat at 7:47 PM on October 13, 2006

My fiance died of complications from leukemia 5 years ago. The thing that bugged me the most was that most of my close friends and family tried to push me through the grieving process way too quickly. They didn't want to see me in pain and were fixated on the days, weeks, months later when I wouldn't be in so much pain.

Knowing what I know now I wish people would've done more listening and less talking and less trying to push me through to resolution. Resolution will come when resolution comes. There is no right way to do it and the duration of grief is different for everyone.
posted by dgeiser13 at 9:04 PM on October 13, 2006

I was just reading this older thread about how to comfort a grieving friend and it may offer some ideas.

I do think just letting your friend know that you are there for them (even if you are physically far away) is comforting and helpful.

When my father died, I was alone in his city where I didn't know anyone, taking care of things. My friends back home (and elsewhere) kept me going. I think in this day and age, an e-mail/instant message/cell phone presence, is more "here and now" than you might think.
posted by kongg at 12:01 AM on October 14, 2006

Being far away from friend who is hurting is its own kind of hurting, too. But if you knew the parent, you are in a unique position to offer something of yourself to your friend, that can be uniquely meaningful in the coming weeks, as the death fades in time, and life about your friend moves on. If you knew the parent, you can compose and send a written remembrance of them, to your friend, if that would be appropriate. If there was some significant family problem which you know of, that would make this awkward, or if you didn't know the deceased, this, of course, wouldn't be a good idea, but if it is, getting such a thing, in about 3 or 4 weeks, could be very meaningful to your friend. For we don't want people we loved to be forgotten, and we welcome evidence that they are not, after they are gone.

Beyond that, you can take custodial care of your friendship for awhile. Write some cards and letters, with no expectation of recieving replies. Make some calls, and listen , if your friend needs that, or talk about what's been going on with you, if that seems what they want. If they want to be left alone awhile, leave them alone respectfully, and with a promise of a future date when you will check back again.

They may miss you now, as much as you may miss them. Do what you can to close the miles, as soon as you practically can, and let them know of your plans to do so. Having something happy to look forward to in the future, when the present is painful, is heartening.
posted by paulsc at 12:46 AM on October 14, 2006

>"This sucks so bad,
"sucks" sounds too casual to me, sort of like saying "bummer". If you said that to me, I'd probably think you didn't appreciate the importance of what I was telling you and I probably wouldn't tell you anything else. ymmv.
posted by philfromhavelock at 7:07 AM on October 14, 2006

thank you, everyone, for such fantastic suggestions and for sharing your own stories of loss - this means a lot, and will certainly help.
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:25 AM on October 14, 2006

I lost my father 4 months ago after a long illness and although I live with my best friend who was wonderful, but my other closest friends live far away. Just knowing that they were on the end of the phone any time of day/night really helped. I found that talking about the good times with them about him was the best way of getting me through the grief, and I still do it, albeit not as intensely.

Generally people were great, but I did get alot of 'oh i'm sorry' and 'shit, that's terrible' comments but I really didn't mind them. People just don't know what that kind of grief is like unless you've been through it yourself and you can't blame them for not having the words to comfort you. Just BE there, for them to tell you whatever the hell they need to.

My dad suffered with diabetes and my gut reaction to his passing was that I wanted any donations to be made to a diabetes charity, which we did. I was aware that a tribute fund could be set up in his name but with all the funeral planning I didn't get around to setting it up and so the donations ended up not linking directly back to him. I've since set up the tribute fund where I make a regular payment each month but I'm gutted his friends and family didn't get the opportunity to add to it.

So, what might be nice is to take that out of your friends hands, set up a tribute fund for whatever illness your friend's dad was suffering with and just handing them the details. I think that they'd appreciate the thought and that they can have some something that will last in their dad's memory.
posted by floanna at 8:31 AM on October 14, 2006