How do you deal with an abusive past?

October 4, 2006 5:31 AM

Child abuse - how to cope with it and how can someone get closure and ensure that the culprit never does anything like it ever again?

My partner has recently revealed to me that she was a victim of sexual abuse between the ages of 14-15 at the hands of her grandfather and his partner. She has coped for several years with this on her own and I am the first person to hear about this and with the courage to speak to me she has also made the decision to seek further help. Obviously I have mentioned things like speaking to a professional about it but since the details are hazy we are concerned that we cannot involve law enforcement in the case as there is insufficient detail or evidence to prosecute.

The primary concern is the safety of her younger siblings and some form of closure to the events. I'd be surprised if there is ever any definitive end to something like this but I want to help in any way possible. The usual things such as revenge have been raised but I am not so stupid as to just cave this monstrous fuck's head in with a tire iron and that will not help matters - we both want to make sure that at the end of this there is no threat to her or her family, mentally or physically and that we can ensure that nothing of this nature happens again as a result.

We're both pretty fucking emotional right now but we'll monitor the thread and I will try and respond as and when I can. Everything's way screwed up right now but one thing is for certain is that I love this girl and won't let anything happen to her.

Thanks in advance.

posted by longbaugh to human relations (13 comments total)

Are you sure there is not sufficient information and detail to prosecute? If she was 14 or 15 at the time, it seems likely that her memory would be sharp. If you are genuinely afraid this might happen to younger siblings, I'd approach the police or District Attorney to discuss the possibility of prosecuting the grandfather.
posted by jayder at 6:06 AM on October 4, 2006

The one person I know in a similar position eventually did initiate prosecution and recieved a cash settlement that was some compensation for what she'd spent on therapy.

Proving it was definately an issue, and she surreptisiously recorded herself confronting the abuser and his responses, as well as allegations by other victims.

She did feel a bit better having done that.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:18 AM on October 4, 2006

To answer your question directly: with the love and support of their loved and trusted ones. And the professional skills of experts.

First. Listen to her. What does she want right now? Protection of younger siblings will be best achieved by involving the police and/or social services. The consequences of this for her family are going to be profound so make sure that this is absolutly the right course of action before setting off down this road. Under no circumstances take the law into your own hands. I know you're itching to have a chat with him but I beg you - don't. You can deal with the consequences for the abuser later.

Second. Accept your limits. Look, no matter how much you love her you're not equipped to give her the help that she needs right now. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has been looking at this problem for years and know who to signpost your partner to; be that psychiatric medicine, counselling or other strategies.

Finally. Just be there for her. This is going to be a long hard road for her and to a much lesser extent, you. Be her rock when she needs one but be her comfort blanket too. Be strong big fella.
posted by dmt at 6:18 AM on October 4, 2006

I should add that confronting the abuser, and withstanding his lawyers tactics, was rough and required a lot of emotional support, but in the end the victory really helped her put this behind her.

Laws regarding the statute of limitations vary, and her case was instrumental in increasing the reach of prosecution, which was also very satisfying for her.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:24 AM on October 4, 2006

Try not to link "speaking to a professional" to prosecuting anyone in your minds. She needs to speak to a professional in order to understand and cope with what happened, and once she does, she'll be in a better position to know what she wants to do about it.

Considering the time that has passed and the haziness of the details, fixing herself and keeping her family members safe may be the only things she can really do to recover.

Also, not to discredit her story in any way, but traumatizing things that happen to us can really fuck up the way we remember them afterward, so any thoughts of revenge or family intervention should be scrapped until after she has sought counseling and sorted herself out under professional guidance. Can't emphasize this enough.

As for protecting younger siblings: do her parents know what happened? Can they be counted on to limit contact between grandpa and the grandkids? Are the siblings old enough for her to confide in and warn? This sort of thing can tear families apart, especially if handled indelicately. She needs someone else in the family she can confide in who can advise on what needs to be done within the family.

Closure is not obtained, it is acknowledged. That is, you do not do things specifically to gain closure-- closure is the byproduct of events and developments that may occur. The closure that people gain by "seeking closure" is often more ephemeral that they had been counting on. Real growth and real recovery is a natural process that takes its own time. Get her started right away.
posted by hermitosis at 6:25 AM on October 4, 2006

I would definitely consider having your partner speak to her younger siblings about the abuse. Inform them. That way they can take steps to stay away from them, flee if something happens, and have the assertiveness to speak up, and tell a trusting family member. That would be my absolute first step. Good luck with this situation. I hope all the best for your girlfriend.
posted by LoriFLA at 7:00 AM on October 4, 2006

There are generally a lot of steps between "first time she ever tells anyone about this" and "reporting it" and "closure".
There are also a lot of great resources out there for people going through this, both for abuse survivors and supporters. There's a wonderful book called "The Courage to Heal" - it's about 20 years old, but I believe it's updated regularly. There are also support groups pretty much everywhere - look at rainn.org for resources.

The important thing for her to know is that she's not alone, she's very brave for speaking up, and she can proceed as slowly as she needs to with working through this.

Get help. It's hard to deal with this alone and there are a *lot* of other people who have been through it and can help.
posted by judith at 7:50 AM on October 4, 2006

I've got no concrete advice, but I'd like to recommend the book "Trauma and Recovery", as it's one of the best things I've ever read about the process of working through the aftereffects of traumatic events. Best of luck to both of you.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:52 AM on October 4, 2006

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I'd like to commend you both for having the courage to speak about this and make rational decisions, despite the strong negative emotions that it must bring up in both of you.

Acheving closure and ensuring that the perpetrator doesn't do this again are two entirely separate goals. They're both quite worthy but they are distinct in this way: achieving closure is something you and your partners must do for yourselves.

Taking care of the perpetrator is, on the other hand, explicitly not a job for you to do on your own; rather, it is for law enforcement and the justice system.

The first step is for the two of you, when you are both ready, to speak to a professional - a doctor, a counselor, a therapist, your religious person. There is nothing in your story, sad though it may be, that any professional hasn't heard before; they're trained to listen with the compassion you need and to help in ways that will be constructive and positive for yourself and for society at large.

I wish you good luck on your journey.
posted by ikkyu2 at 1:49 PM on October 4, 2006

I think LoriFla's suggestion that your girlfriend "speak to her younger siblings about the abuse. Inform them That way they can take steps to stay away..." is a good one.
posted by maloon at 6:23 PM on October 4, 2006

Great suggestions above and congratulations to both of you in this new phase of your relationship. From personal experience it must have taken a lot for her to finally open this up, and you must be a very special person indeed that she felt comfortable enough to do so. She will now be feeling very drained and vulnerable. She may go through a few weeks of watching your responses to her in an almost paranoid way, for example, "he normally rings me at 5, he didn't today, has this turned him off me?"
Or "we normally make love more than this, why isn't it happening as often?" You on the other hand, wanting to protect her, may avoid physical intimacy other than hugs. Whatever you do at this stage talk openly about how it is affecting you both. Do not wait for those questions to take hold in her mind she may actually build mountains out of molehills. Self-esteem is always a factor here and I would definately get counselling and look at ways of boosting her self-esteem and showing her that you are still attracted to her.
Also don't automatically assume that revenge will be helpful.
posted by Wilder at 6:41 AM on October 5, 2006

Just as an update - we've been in touch with parts of her family that may be at risk and warned them, we are also in touch with Child Protective Services and the police and are looking at further options depending on what is possible. Thanks for your support, you can be assured that I will stand by her throughout this - she's the toughest woman I've ever known and even in this fragile time I will make sure she has someone to rely on. There is so much more I could add but right now we've got a lot to be getting on with so thanks again for the boost you've given us.
posted by longbaugh at 8:41 AM on October 6, 2006

Still rooting for you. Good luck.
posted by dmt at 8:00 AM on December 8, 2006