Is my boyfriend gay or am I crazy?
September 2, 2006 5:25 PM Subscribe
I am a female in my late twenties dating a guy in his mid thirties. We live together and have been together a few years. It's the best relationship I've ever had and I would like to marry him some day. Nevertheless I am sometimes plagued by fears that he's going to turn out to be gay.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (76 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
The "evidence" I have collected in my feverish little brain is thus:
-He owns the movies "Lost Boys", "Y Tu Mama Tambien", My Own Private Idaho" and the LOTR trilogy...all movies featuring gay love/sex scenes or subtext; he works out and lifts weights and dresses well and has more clothes than I do; he crosses his legs occasionally; he works in the gay part of town (but not at a bar or anything); he told me he used to hang out with his friends at a gay bar in college b/c it was the only non-sports bar in town; his sister-in-law and a few other people (but not most of his social circle) thought he might be gay because...he was single for eight (!) years before he met me AND he lived for two of those years with a roommate and close friend who IS thought to be gay by most of the social circle but hasn't come out yet
ALSO: I had to make all the first moves in our relationship; from asking him out to initiating sex for the first time. He said he wanted to take things slow since he hadn't been with a girl in 8 years; he has a lower sex drive than me; he doesn't tell me I'm pretty or beautiful very often...which is something other boyfriends I've had did all the time. Seriously, I get more physical compliments from guys on the street.
BUT then I'll go back and convince myself that I'm being stupid because:
-He's an indie movie buff who owns plenty of movies, 90% of which don't have gay subtexts. (And heck, my favorite movie is Heavenly Creatures); straight guys like to look good too; I worked in the gay part of town too (aka The Yuppie Part of Town) and sometimes I wonder if I got so accustomed to gay fellows being the majority there I've started to believe they are the majority in the world at large as well; once I got the ball rolling on the whole dating and sex thing he seemed very much into it; ditto for our sex life now: when he's up for it...he's up for it
IN ADDITION: I am a highly insecure person sometimes and I wonder if I'm not letting myself be happy now that I have a great boyfriend. The whole "If it seems too good to be true it probably is" thing. Also, I've had this fear about other boyfriends too, though not to the same extent; I am almost 100% certain that he's never cheated on me.
So from the perspective of an outsider given the facts on both sides: which is it? Is my boyfriend gay but just doesn't know it yet. Is my gut telling me something? Or am I just completely and utterly neurotic with more issues than you can shake a stick at? In either case, what should I do? And is there any way you can bring this up in conversation to a loved one without completely emasculating him?
Every time I think I have this sorted there's another story in the paper about men on the "down-low" and my anxiety starts spiraling out of control again.