A married friend hit on me. Why can't I stop thinking about him?

August 25, 2006 3:48 PM

A married friend hit on me. Why can't I stop thinking about him?

A married friend of mine hit on me while he was drunk at a party. He wasn't falling over drunk, but drunk nonetheless. He put his hand on my knee, looked at me longingly, and told me he felt a connection. He repeatedly told me how nice he thought I was. I did not return his advances, changed the subject quickly, and avoided him for the rest of the evening. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. It's pathetic, but somehow I feel flattered. I would NEVER engage in any kind of affair with a married man, but I have been daydreaming about this guy a lot. It's just a crush that will go away eventually. I can't help but to wonder if he engages in this kind of behavior on a regular basis, or does he honestly feel a "connection" with me? Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman?

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

right. let it go. alcohol doesn't make people do anything except make them think they can get away with stuff because they were drunk. if you would NEVER engage in an affair with a married guy, then drop it. focus your daydreaming on someone else.
posted by crush-onastick at 3:56 PM on August 25, 2006

To answer your questions:

why can't I stop thinking about him?
Because at some level the proposition was flattering and because the idea of a fling with him sparked your imagination.

I can't help but to wonder if he engages in this kind of behavior on a regular basis, or does he honestly feel a "connection" with me?
These two are not mutually exclusive. Many men feel a "connection" to a sizable percentage of all the women they ever meet, including clerks and checkout counters and strangers sitting across from them on the bus. Of course, most men don't act on these felt "connections." Consumption of alcohol increases the chances of them doing so.

Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman?

Make? No. But relax a man enough that he does something he wouldn't normally do, yes.
posted by alms at 4:02 PM on August 25, 2006

You like the idea of being attractive to him (probably because you've been at least slightly attracted to him this whole time and didn't think he felt the same way) so you daydream, but you feel guilty because you'd never engage in an affair and you feel a little dirty (in a bad way, not a naughty way). (All just opinions based on what you wrote, i could be completely wrong)

Indulge in the feeling a little bit, don't feel guilty about it, and then move on. It's not "wrong" to be attracted to someone else, even if he is married. What he did was inappropriate, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 4:04 PM on August 25, 2006

Maybe they are swingers, or can become swingers. [grin]
posted by IronWolve at 4:06 PM on August 25, 2006

It's just the alcohol talking. Be flattered, but understand there's nothing for you there.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 5:40 PM on August 25, 2006

Enjoy the attention and then forget about it. People get a little over-emotional when drunk. There is a nub of feeling, but he probably feels a bit embarrassed himself. You can look but you better not touch.
posted by caddis at 6:45 PM on August 25, 2006

I can't help but to wonder if he engages in this kind of behavior on a regular basis

There are plenty of repeat offenders out there. However there's no shortage of "exceptional incident" anecdotes, either. You're the only one who can tell if there's any substance to his "connection." You know him. Is it plausible?

Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman?

Yes, inasmuch as it makes people do lots of things they wouldn't do while sober. But I think that more than just alcohol is required to induce a married man to such behavior. He's probably unhappily married, for starters.

Consider the possibility that you can't stop thinking about this because in some way you feel violated by it. It was, after all, a completely socailly unacceptable advance, one which made you uncomfortable on the spot, and one which you likely feel you can't talk about now (hence the anonymous).

It might have been one of the more interesting things to happen to your love life in a while, but that doesn't make it okay. If you feel "flattered" and not "gross" then I'd say you got off lucky.
posted by scarabic at 8:22 PM on August 25, 2006

This is another one of those anon questions that is so egregiously lacking in pertinent details (what's the history with this person, what is the asker's relation to the person's wife, what is the asker's current relationship status...) I almost feel it shouldn't be answered on general principles. The best that can be offered is the most likely scenario:

Why can't I stop thinking about him?

Forbidden fruit, plus you're bored with whatever is going on in your life right now.

Does he honestly feel a "connection" with me?

He feels an honest connection to getting inside your pants.

Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman?

Fuck yes, if he's unfaithful prick. Also, he was drunker than you thought.
posted by nanojath at 8:24 PM on August 25, 2006

Ugh. Run, don't walk..run in the opposite direction. Ugh again. Nothing flattering - just a jerk.
posted by trii at 8:45 PM on August 25, 2006

Married friend? Friend?!

No decent, loyal person would behave in this manner. The actions you described reveal an untrustworthy and immoral person not capable of honoring a friendship, let alone his marriage vows.

Stay away from him or you and other will get hurt.
posted by rinkjustice at 4:03 AM on August 26, 2006

Can alcohol make a married man hit on another woman? Abso-fucking-lutely. I have been flirtatious with guys I have ZERO interest in, while drunk. Not even interested in on a subconscious level. And I did this a few times when I was dating a guy I was madly in love with. No idea why I did it, other than I was having fun, and feeling careless (which, obviously, alcohol does to me and others.)

No decent, loyal person would behave in this manner. The actions you described reveal an untrustworthy and immoral person not capable of honoring a friendship, let alone his marriage vows.

I completely disagree with that. He was drunk. Decent, loyal people do this shit all the time when they're tipsy. And he didn't do that much - just said he felt a connection with you and touched your knee. He didn't even kiss you. Big deal. I've said that stuff to friends, meaning "you're such a great friend, I really feel like we have a connection." He probably was hitting on you, but I would say only a little bit. If there are no other signs that he likes you, it's quite possible, though, that it really was the alcohol talking, or at least enhancing his generally pleasant (but not cheat-on-his-wife) feelings towards you.

Now, as for why you can't stop thinking about it - that's because it was flattering - it's usually flattering to be hit on, let alone by someone who is supposedly off limits - and bc of the forbidden fruit aspect. I'm sure I'd be feeling somewhat similarly, if he was attractive.

I wouldn't worry about this at all. I'd maybe enjoy the daydream a little, knowing it was never going to happen, and then I'd move on with my life.
posted by Amizu at 9:08 AM on August 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

Of course it can happen - alcohol lowers inhibitions. My husband and I have a couple male friends (both of whom are married) who have made it clear that they really, really like me. This happens every time they're drunk. It's easy enough for me to consider the source(s) and the situation and dismiss it for what it is.

Now, as for why you can't stop thinking about it - that's because it was flattering - it's usually flattering to be hit on, let alone by someone who is supposedly off limits - and bc of the forbidden fruit aspect. I'm sure I'd be feeling somewhat similarly, if he was attractive. Exactly!
posted by deborah at 10:35 AM on August 27, 2006