Should I dump my boyfriend before he dumps me?
posted by beth to human relations (56 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Background: we're both bipolar, and have been dating for just over a year. We met on Craigslist, heh.
We were closer at the beginning of our relationship - we had a little sex (which quickly subsided - we're both heavily medicated and it was just frustrating, and both our sex drives are low/nonexistent), and I spent lots of time over at his apartment, yadda yadda. Nowadays, not so much. I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore. He got a new apartment recently, and I've hardly been there at all. The walk up the steps is unpleasant, and the parking is a pain (stupid pillars everywhere, the whole building is erected upon them). And frankly, I just don't feel like going.
He's been really nice to me, putting up with my not-functioning-very-well bullshit (medication changes are so lovely to deal with), and I putting up with his. He's a sensitive, caring guy, who is smart, reasonable, and respectful.
But then there was this big outburst on July 4th, when we were at his friend's house, and a whole room of people (about 7 of us) were against him in an argument about the labeling of non-GMO food, and then someone made an obnoxious comment and the bf blew a gasket, ran out, slammed the door, and spent the next four hours pouting in my car. We continued with the fireworks without him, and yeah, I went to the car and asked if he was okay, was there anything I could do, etc. He just wanted to be left alone. Anyway, that whole deal didn't sit well with me, but I more or less got over it, and chalked it up to him having a bad day.
Then, over two weeks ago, he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down." In response, I get a shouted "FUCK YOU!", he hangs up, and that's the last I have heard his voice.
A few brief text messages back and forth, a couple voicemails I left for him, and one email in each direction have been it since then. During part of this I didn't hear a single thing from him for about 5 days, and wondered whether he was in the hospital (or dead).
In his email, he states things in a way that leads me to believe he's going to break it off. At this point I'm pretty miffed that he hasn't apologized to me or tried to clear the air in any way, and didn't even communicate at all for a pretty big chunk of time.
I've been giving him space because in the past that's been what he has needed (and asked for) when he's had difficult emotional times, otherwise I would have been making more effort to contact him and so forth (as it is I was feeling like I was just bugging him with what little I did).
I think it's pretty clear we're not meeting each other's emotional needs at this point. We're little more than friends right now, anyway. And perhaps we're both so messed up that we each need someone "normal" or at least stronger to be in a relationship with, if it's even appropriate or healthy for either of us to be in a relationship at all.
At this point, I have pretty much given up and am not considering dating after this, but this does not trouble me.
I just got an email that he is ready to meet, and wants to see me tonight. I am considering telling him that it's just not working and it's over, before he tells me. Or maybe it will be mutual, anyway. I'm going to have to put it off at least a day anyway, since my daughter is visiting and I really don't think it would be remotely appropriate for her to be around when we have "the talk".
Anyway... I'm pretty sure it's over, and not recoverable, and... I dunno, I was just wondering whether I'm being reasonable or not. And I note that I haven't once mentioned how I feel about him - I guess I love him, but not very strongly, and this may be due in part to having medication issues, or it may be indicative of something more. I'm not sure.
This has gone on too long already, sorry.