Should I dump my boyfriend before he dumps me?
August 4, 2006 7:31 AM Subscribe
Should I dump my boyfriend before he dumps me?
Background: we're both bipolar, and have been dating for just over a year. We met on Craigslist, heh.
We were closer at the beginning of our relationship - we had a little sex (which quickly subsided - we're both heavily medicated and it was just frustrating, and both our sex drives are low/nonexistent), and I spent lots of time over at his apartment, yadda yadda. Nowadays, not so much. I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore. He got a new apartment recently, and I've hardly been there at all. The walk up the steps is unpleasant, and the parking is a pain (stupid pillars everywhere, the whole building is erected upon them). And frankly, I just don't feel like going.
He's been really nice to me, putting up with my not-functioning-very-well bullshit (medication changes are so lovely to deal with), and I putting up with his. He's a sensitive, caring guy, who is smart, reasonable, and respectful.
But then there was this big outburst on July 4th, when we were at his friend's house, and a whole room of people (about 7 of us) were against him in an argument about the labeling of non-GMO food, and then someone made an obnoxious comment and the bf blew a gasket, ran out, slammed the door, and spent the next four hours pouting in my car. We continued with the fireworks without him, and yeah, I went to the car and asked if he was okay, was there anything I could do, etc. He just wanted to be left alone. Anyway, that whole deal didn't sit well with me, but I more or less got over it, and chalked it up to him having a bad day.
Then, over two weeks ago, he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down." In response, I get a shouted "FUCK YOU!", he hangs up, and that's the last I have heard his voice.
A few brief text messages back and forth, a couple voicemails I left for him, and one email in each direction have been it since then. During part of this I didn't hear a single thing from him for about 5 days, and wondered whether he was in the hospital (or dead).
In his email, he states things in a way that leads me to believe he's going to break it off. At this point I'm pretty miffed that he hasn't apologized to me or tried to clear the air in any way, and didn't even communicate at all for a pretty big chunk of time.
I've been giving him space because in the past that's been what he has needed (and asked for) when he's had difficult emotional times, otherwise I would have been making more effort to contact him and so forth (as it is I was feeling like I was just bugging him with what little I did).
I think it's pretty clear we're not meeting each other's emotional needs at this point. We're little more than friends right now, anyway. And perhaps we're both so messed up that we each need someone "normal" or at least stronger to be in a relationship with, if it's even appropriate or healthy for either of us to be in a relationship at all.
At this point, I have pretty much given up and am not considering dating after this, but this does not trouble me.
I just got an email that he is ready to meet, and wants to see me tonight. I am considering telling him that it's just not working and it's over, before he tells me. Or maybe it will be mutual, anyway. I'm going to have to put it off at least a day anyway, since my daughter is visiting and I really don't think it would be remotely appropriate for her to be around when we have "the talk".
Anyway... I'm pretty sure it's over, and not recoverable, and... I dunno, I was just wondering whether I'm being reasonable or not. And I note that I haven't once mentioned how I feel about him - I guess I love him, but not very strongly, and this may be due in part to having medication issues, or it may be indicative of something more. I'm not sure.
This has gone on too long already, sorry.
Background: we're both bipolar, and have been dating for just over a year. We met on Craigslist, heh.
We were closer at the beginning of our relationship - we had a little sex (which quickly subsided - we're both heavily medicated and it was just frustrating, and both our sex drives are low/nonexistent), and I spent lots of time over at his apartment, yadda yadda. Nowadays, not so much. I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore. He got a new apartment recently, and I've hardly been there at all. The walk up the steps is unpleasant, and the parking is a pain (stupid pillars everywhere, the whole building is erected upon them). And frankly, I just don't feel like going.
He's been really nice to me, putting up with my not-functioning-very-well bullshit (medication changes are so lovely to deal with), and I putting up with his. He's a sensitive, caring guy, who is smart, reasonable, and respectful.
But then there was this big outburst on July 4th, when we were at his friend's house, and a whole room of people (about 7 of us) were against him in an argument about the labeling of non-GMO food, and then someone made an obnoxious comment and the bf blew a gasket, ran out, slammed the door, and spent the next four hours pouting in my car. We continued with the fireworks without him, and yeah, I went to the car and asked if he was okay, was there anything I could do, etc. He just wanted to be left alone. Anyway, that whole deal didn't sit well with me, but I more or less got over it, and chalked it up to him having a bad day.
Then, over two weeks ago, he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down." In response, I get a shouted "FUCK YOU!", he hangs up, and that's the last I have heard his voice.
A few brief text messages back and forth, a couple voicemails I left for him, and one email in each direction have been it since then. During part of this I didn't hear a single thing from him for about 5 days, and wondered whether he was in the hospital (or dead).
In his email, he states things in a way that leads me to believe he's going to break it off. At this point I'm pretty miffed that he hasn't apologized to me or tried to clear the air in any way, and didn't even communicate at all for a pretty big chunk of time.
I've been giving him space because in the past that's been what he has needed (and asked for) when he's had difficult emotional times, otherwise I would have been making more effort to contact him and so forth (as it is I was feeling like I was just bugging him with what little I did).
I think it's pretty clear we're not meeting each other's emotional needs at this point. We're little more than friends right now, anyway. And perhaps we're both so messed up that we each need someone "normal" or at least stronger to be in a relationship with, if it's even appropriate or healthy for either of us to be in a relationship at all.
At this point, I have pretty much given up and am not considering dating after this, but this does not trouble me.
I just got an email that he is ready to meet, and wants to see me tonight. I am considering telling him that it's just not working and it's over, before he tells me. Or maybe it will be mutual, anyway. I'm going to have to put it off at least a day anyway, since my daughter is visiting and I really don't think it would be remotely appropriate for her to be around when we have "the talk".
Anyway... I'm pretty sure it's over, and not recoverable, and... I dunno, I was just wondering whether I'm being reasonable or not. And I note that I haven't once mentioned how I feel about him - I guess I love him, but not very strongly, and this may be due in part to having medication issues, or it may be indicative of something more. I'm not sure.
This has gone on too long already, sorry.
How about you discuss it like adults? "Dumping" is for kids.
posted by handee at 7:38 AM on August 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by handee at 7:38 AM on August 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you both know it isn't working, and even it it's not a break-up-quite-yet talk, it'd be best to get that out in the open as soon as you can.
posted by cmonkey at 7:38 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by cmonkey at 7:38 AM on August 4, 2006
I don't think the question is whether you should dump him before he dumps you. It's not a competition. I think you should be asking yourself whether you want to stay in this relationship or not. It seems pretty clear from what you've written here that you are apathetic about it, at best. If you can't muster up enough interest in him to bother with walking up the steps to his apartment, then this relationship probably isn't going anywhere. If you're not enthusiastic about making it work, then think about ending it. If he ends it first, what's the difference if you feel the same way he does?
posted by amro at 7:39 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by amro at 7:39 AM on August 4, 2006
Beth, you're a wonderful person and you deserve a more fulfilling relationship.
posted by ColdChef at 7:39 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by ColdChef at 7:39 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
You guilt trip him when he asks you to come over because you're playing a video game? Wow. You really don't like this kid. Break it off now. There's more I could say but... wow. You really don't like him, no matter how much you rationalize that you do.
posted by The Michael The at 7:41 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by The Michael The at 7:41 AM on August 4, 2006
It very much sounds like it's going nowhere and neither of you are getting anything out of it, but I'd say wait and listen to what he has to say. If he dumps you, you can just laugh and say "thank god for that, I was wondering how to say the exact same thing to you". If he apologises, or talks about what's gone on, listen and make your own judgement then.
But it does sound like it's a relationship that's not worth sustaining.
posted by Tokil at 7:42 AM on August 4, 2006
But it does sound like it's a relationship that's not worth sustaining.
posted by Tokil at 7:42 AM on August 4, 2006
"And perhaps we're both so messed up that we each need someone "normal" or at least stronger to be in a relationship with, if it's even appropriate or healthy for either of us to be in a relationship at all."
Man, I can't imagine anyone "normal" putting up with that level of bullshit from either one of you. Pouting in a car for four hours? Not going to see him because you'd be letting your video game friends down? Either one of those is a deal-breaker in a rational relationship.
Hey, here's an idea— can you both talk about what you're feeling and what you want the future to look like, y'know, as mature and understanding people? If so, things should work out whether or not you stay together. If not, well, you're either gonna be miserable apart or miserable together (and I'd recommend the latter so that you're not free electrons looking to make some other people miserable).
posted by klangklangston at 7:51 AM on August 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
Man, I can't imagine anyone "normal" putting up with that level of bullshit from either one of you. Pouting in a car for four hours? Not going to see him because you'd be letting your video game friends down? Either one of those is a deal-breaker in a rational relationship.
Hey, here's an idea— can you both talk about what you're feeling and what you want the future to look like, y'know, as mature and understanding people? If so, things should work out whether or not you stay together. If not, well, you're either gonna be miserable apart or miserable together (and I'd recommend the latter so that you're not free electrons looking to make some other people miserable).
posted by klangklangston at 7:51 AM on August 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I dunno ColdChef; guilt tripping somebody having a hugely difficult time because you're busy playing videogames doesn't strike me as the most supportive of actions.
Clearly there's a lot of shit flying from both sides here. I think it's time to move on.
posted by Justinian at 7:55 AM on August 4, 2006
Clearly there's a lot of shit flying from both sides here. I think it's time to move on.
posted by Justinian at 7:55 AM on August 4, 2006
Listen to Tokil.
(And you know people, just because they are Internet friends doesn't mean they aren't real people who can actually be let down. Just like if you let down your soccer team by missing the game. It's probably the right choice [and she was willing to go over], but it isn't insane.)
posted by dame at 7:57 AM on August 4, 2006
(And you know people, just because they are Internet friends doesn't mean they aren't real people who can actually be let down. Just like if you let down your soccer team by missing the game. It's probably the right choice [and she was willing to go over], but it isn't insane.)
posted by dame at 7:57 AM on August 4, 2006
Then, over two weeks ago, he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down."
Sounds like you should probably break it off.
posted by dead_ at 7:59 AM on August 4, 2006
Sounds like you should probably break it off.
posted by dead_ at 7:59 AM on August 4, 2006
I mean, it's clear where your priorities are.
I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore.
You aren't being fair to yourself, or him
posted by dead_ at 8:01 AM on August 4, 2006
I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore.
You aren't being fair to yourself, or him
posted by dead_ at 8:01 AM on August 4, 2006
Hey, I'm not saying beth's boyfriend isn't a jerk, PinkSuperhero. I'm saying when both sides in a relationship have better things to do (and it is clearly both sides) than be there for eachother, it's time to move on. Better for everyone involved.
posted by Justinian at 8:03 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by Justinian at 8:03 AM on August 4, 2006
I find the moralistic "video game friends" comments really obnoxious. He hadn't talked to her in two weeks, and then calls her up and experts her to just drop everything and come over? Letting down 19 friends is not an easy thing, especially for someone who's spent the last two weeks pushing you away for "alone time". Just because they're "online friends" doesn't mean they're worthless. I suspect you'd feel bad if you'd promised your friends you'd do something with them, and then ran off in the middle of the activity, particularly if it it was something they couldn't do without you. Regardless of the venue, that's an obnoxious thing to do.
I don't think the WoW thing is the red flag that other people do, but it does sound like this relationship is over. It doesn't really matter who does it first, but I think it is important to try to minimize the emotional fallout for the two of you. With that in mind, I think letting him initiate the breaking up and then you being receptive to it will make it easier for the both of you. Trying to one-up him will probably just make him defensive and screw up the conversation he's mapped out in his head and make the whole thing go badly.
posted by heresiarch at 8:04 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
I don't think the WoW thing is the red flag that other people do, but it does sound like this relationship is over. It doesn't really matter who does it first, but I think it is important to try to minimize the emotional fallout for the two of you. With that in mind, I think letting him initiate the breaking up and then you being receptive to it will make it easier for the both of you. Trying to one-up him will probably just make him defensive and screw up the conversation he's mapped out in his head and make the whole thing go badly.
posted by heresiarch at 8:04 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
Everyone is acting like beth is some sort of criminal.
No, but your comment about the guy being immature is hilarious when she also wrote this:
he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down."
Not to mention the whole question sounds lke something out of teen cosmo.
Letting down 19 friends is not an easy thing, especially for someone who's spent the last two weeks pushing you away for "alone time". Just because they're "online friends" doesn't mean they're worthless.
It's not that they're 'online' friends, it's a fucking game. It might has well been checkers.
With that in mind, I think letting him initiate the breaking up and then you being receptive to it will make it easier for the both of you.
Then again, you seem to really like games.
posted by justgary at 8:19 AM on August 4, 2006
No, but your comment about the guy being immature is hilarious when she also wrote this:
he calls, having a difficult time, and wanting me to come over. I'm in the middle of a 20-man raid playing WoW, and I say, "Okay, I'll come over, but I'll be letting my raid down."
Not to mention the whole question sounds lke something out of teen cosmo.
Letting down 19 friends is not an easy thing, especially for someone who's spent the last two weeks pushing you away for "alone time". Just because they're "online friends" doesn't mean they're worthless.
It's not that they're 'online' friends, it's a fucking game. It might has well been checkers.
With that in mind, I think letting him initiate the breaking up and then you being receptive to it will make it easier for the both of you.
Then again, you seem to really like games.
posted by justgary at 8:19 AM on August 4, 2006
Any reasonable person would have been really pissed off over the WoW issue. "I'm having a difficult time, I need to see you." being met with "Sorry, I'm playing video games!" (after all, WoW is just a video game) would certainly upset me quite a bit.
But there are clearly bigger issues here. My vote is to not worry about who's going to dump who first. Just break it off and move on.
posted by drstein at 8:20 AM on August 4, 2006
But there are clearly bigger issues here. My vote is to not worry about who's going to dump who first. Just break it off and move on.
posted by drstein at 8:20 AM on August 4, 2006
"I got a new computer, so sitting on his couch using my laptop held little appeal for me anymore…The walk up the steps is unpleasant, and the parking is a pain"
If your relationship isn't strong enough to overcome the hurdle of a staircase, and if time with him and your laptop is less enjoyable than time alone with your new computer, it's over. Do him and yourself a favor and end it explicitly.
posted by adamrice at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2006
If your relationship isn't strong enough to overcome the hurdle of a staircase, and if time with him and your laptop is less enjoyable than time alone with your new computer, it's over. Do him and yourself a favor and end it explicitly.
posted by adamrice at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2006
I ask simply: What's the absolute worst thing you've done that he's had to put up with? How does it compare?
But in any case, relationships are like eggs. A crack can be sealed over, but one the yolk starts falling out, there's really no way to recover.
FWIW, I had a long term relationship break up over online games...specifically her playing them excessively to the detriment of our relationship. If he's already got communication issues, he may not have known previously how to express his frustration with that.
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2006
But in any case, relationships are like eggs. A crack can be sealed over, but one the yolk starts falling out, there's really no way to recover.
FWIW, I had a long term relationship break up over online games...specifically her playing them excessively to the detriment of our relationship. If he's already got communication issues, he may not have known previously how to express his frustration with that.
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:23 AM on August 4, 2006
"Everyone is acting like beth is some sort of criminal. Remember your last breakup?"
No, I'm acting like she's been a jerk that I would have dumped already. And I realize that the guildies are showing up to defend WoW as totally legitimate, man, but if my girlfriend was really having a hard time of it, I'd have no compunctions about dropping out of a soccer game or any other game in order to be supportive. Maybe because I love her? Maybe because I value my relationship with her more than I value video games or sports? Beth clearly didn't value him more than her online friends.
Which is something that they really should have talked about in a mature manner, but given the info here, that doesn't seem possible.
posted by klangklangston at 8:26 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
No, I'm acting like she's been a jerk that I would have dumped already. And I realize that the guildies are showing up to defend WoW as totally legitimate, man, but if my girlfriend was really having a hard time of it, I'd have no compunctions about dropping out of a soccer game or any other game in order to be supportive. Maybe because I love her? Maybe because I value my relationship with her more than I value video games or sports? Beth clearly didn't value him more than her online friends.
Which is something that they really should have talked about in a mature manner, but given the info here, that doesn't seem possible.
posted by klangklangston at 8:26 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
Run for the hills.
Run for your lives.
If you want out of the relationship (and I think you should, given the circumstances) don't beat around the bush or think of it as beating him to the punchline at dinner. Decide that it ends tonight, and however that happens, be glad.
posted by bastionofsanity at 8:26 AM on August 4, 2006
Run for your lives.
If you want out of the relationship (and I think you should, given the circumstances) don't beat around the bush or think of it as beating him to the punchline at dinner. Decide that it ends tonight, and however that happens, be glad.
posted by bastionofsanity at 8:26 AM on August 4, 2006
Wow, yeah, if you care more about a game than him, break up with him for his sake. Jesus.
posted by borkingchikapa at 8:36 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by borkingchikapa at 8:36 AM on August 4, 2006
Sounds like heresiarch is an avid WoW player in defense of the "internet friends" concept.
There's a reason the majority here is agreeing that your statement is a complete red flag: A person in need of comfort/company from a true friend shouldn't even hear that you're "busy" playing a video game, let alone be made to feel guilty that now you're letting those "friends" down by quitting the raid.
I'm not necessarily saying you're a bad person, beth, but I'm agreeing with the sentiments here that you obviously don't really care about this guy very much. That being said, you should break up with him and it's frankly more rude of you not to break up with him because you clearly aren't that into him.
posted by twiggy at 8:42 AM on August 4, 2006
There's a reason the majority here is agreeing that your statement is a complete red flag: A person in need of comfort/company from a true friend shouldn't even hear that you're "busy" playing a video game, let alone be made to feel guilty that now you're letting those "friends" down by quitting the raid.
I'm not necessarily saying you're a bad person, beth, but I'm agreeing with the sentiments here that you obviously don't really care about this guy very much. That being said, you should break up with him and it's frankly more rude of you not to break up with him because you clearly aren't that into him.
posted by twiggy at 8:42 AM on August 4, 2006
I agree with the point of breaking up, but I disagree with who should initiate it. IMHO, because you already feel like you should break up, you should allow him the courtesy of "dumping you". I believe that this will allow him to think of himself as in control of his life, which is probably really important for his mental state, while you can maintain the clear image of reality, that both of you wanted to break up as a mutual decision.
This whole "you should end it first" for dignity or to prevent the inevitable or whatever is BS. You need to think about what's in BOTH of your best interests. Again, IMHO, allowing him to maintain a shred of dignity and letting him end it is honorable and keeps the ball in your court. If, years down the road ya'll get back together, you KNOW he'll try extra hard to get you back because he knows that he made a mistake to end it with you in the first place.
Most of the above comments are right. Ya'll need to break up, two weeks of silence is pretty unbelievable to recover from (unless that's what Bipolars do and I'm unaware of this), and perhaps you should take some time away from relationships to prioritize the goals in your life.
I say all the above in a completely non-judgmental way and wish you all the best. I'm not one to poke my head in relationship questions but it seems to me that YOU ending it isn't the best course of action.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 8:48 AM on August 4, 2006
This whole "you should end it first" for dignity or to prevent the inevitable or whatever is BS. You need to think about what's in BOTH of your best interests. Again, IMHO, allowing him to maintain a shred of dignity and letting him end it is honorable and keeps the ball in your court. If, years down the road ya'll get back together, you KNOW he'll try extra hard to get you back because he knows that he made a mistake to end it with you in the first place.
Most of the above comments are right. Ya'll need to break up, two weeks of silence is pretty unbelievable to recover from (unless that's what Bipolars do and I'm unaware of this), and perhaps you should take some time away from relationships to prioritize the goals in your life.
I say all the above in a completely non-judgmental way and wish you all the best. I'm not one to poke my head in relationship questions but it seems to me that YOU ending it isn't the best course of action.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 8:48 AM on August 4, 2006
I agree with those who say that it shouldn't be a competitive thing -- if you want out, get out, period. From my point of view, even allowing for the bipolar thing, any boyfriend who yells "FUCK YOU!" at me and doesn't immediately apologize would get the heave-ho. Even if I were being neglectful or inconsiderate of his needs, that's not the civilized way to tell me.
posted by JanetLand at 8:52 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by JanetLand at 8:52 AM on August 4, 2006
I agree with the point of breaking up, but I disagree with who should initiate it. IMHO, because you already feel like you should break up, you should allow him the courtesy of "dumping you". I believe that this will allow him to think of himself as in control of his life, which is probably really important for his mental state, while you can maintain the clear image of reality, that both of you wanted to break up as a mutual decision.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:48 AM CST on August 4 [+fave] [!] [↑]
SeizeTheDay, this is baaaaaad advice. I'm always loathe to gender stereotype, but this sort of idea is pretty common in teenage guys, who, when faced with an ending relationship, "force" the girlfriend to break up with them (though I'm not saying women don't do this too). Many a Cosmo advice column has addressed just this sort of behaviour. It's shitty, cowardly, and puts the other person through way more of an emotional wringer as they struggle over the decision to break up or not break up that they would have gone through with a clean break.
Anyways, how could this possibly be done in a reasonable manner? Just keeping the status quo won't result in anything. To get the guy to break up with her, Beth would have to become a shitty enough girlfriend to where he wanted out, and neither of them need that.
Beth, if you are absolutely convinced he's about to break up with you, and not just threatening it to try and scare you into more girlfriendly behavior, or as a test of the relationship, then let him. But if not, do him and yourself a favor and make a clean break of it. And don't sweat who broke up with who, people stopped keeping track of that in middle school (or at least they should have).
posted by internet!Hannah at 9:05 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by SeizeTheDay at 10:48 AM CST on August 4 [+fave] [!] [↑]
SeizeTheDay, this is baaaaaad advice. I'm always loathe to gender stereotype, but this sort of idea is pretty common in teenage guys, who, when faced with an ending relationship, "force" the girlfriend to break up with them (though I'm not saying women don't do this too). Many a Cosmo advice column has addressed just this sort of behaviour. It's shitty, cowardly, and puts the other person through way more of an emotional wringer as they struggle over the decision to break up or not break up that they would have gone through with a clean break.
Anyways, how could this possibly be done in a reasonable manner? Just keeping the status quo won't result in anything. To get the guy to break up with her, Beth would have to become a shitty enough girlfriend to where he wanted out, and neither of them need that.
Beth, if you are absolutely convinced he's about to break up with you, and not just threatening it to try and scare you into more girlfriendly behavior, or as a test of the relationship, then let him. But if not, do him and yourself a favor and make a clean break of it. And don't sweat who broke up with who, people stopped keeping track of that in middle school (or at least they should have).
posted by internet!Hannah at 9:05 AM on August 4, 2006
Dude, klang, I don't even play those games. But I understand that people have multiple priorities and I'm not childish enough to think that love means I'm first always no matter what and you can't even feel bad you let people down because you were being responsible to me, wah wah wah.
posted by dame at 9:08 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by dame at 9:08 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
You are both heavily medicated, semi-stable bipolars?
I read the description of your 'relationship' with open jawed wonder... what relationship? It sounds like two incompatible people on a bus.
'Mutually satisfying and growth producing' = functional adult relationship. That's the target. From your description, there's none of that going on here.
Don't fret over how to end something that doesn't exist. Just quit participating in whatever it is.
posted by FauxScot at 9:33 AM on August 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
I read the description of your 'relationship' with open jawed wonder... what relationship? It sounds like two incompatible people on a bus.
'Mutually satisfying and growth producing' = functional adult relationship. That's the target. From your description, there's none of that going on here.
Don't fret over how to end something that doesn't exist. Just quit participating in whatever it is.
posted by FauxScot at 9:33 AM on August 4, 2006 [2 favorites]
I paused over the WoW thing myself, before I saw all the others here who were struck by it. If your guy was having a difficult time and needed you there, and you griped because you didn't want to leave your videogame ... I don't know why you bothered asking this question here. The answer is obvious.
posted by jayder at 9:50 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by jayder at 9:50 AM on August 4, 2006
Beth, you're fully cool and I've enjoyed pretty much everything you've ever posted.
That said, you should break up with him now and should think twice about getting into another relationship until you get your shit together. And your soon-to-be-ex should probably never get into another relationship again, ever, with anyone.
posted by solid-one-love at 9:53 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
That said, you should break up with him now and should think twice about getting into another relationship until you get your shit together. And your soon-to-be-ex should probably never get into another relationship again, ever, with anyone.
posted by solid-one-love at 9:53 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
A person in need of comfort/company from a true friend shouldn't even hear that you're 'busy' playing a video game
Plus, this is supposedly her boyfriend. Boyfriends/girlfriends in need should come before friends, online or off.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:57 AM on August 4, 2006
I'm with FauxScot, for what that's worth
posted by Pressed Rat at 10:27 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by Pressed Rat at 10:27 AM on August 4, 2006
Things you could do, or consider doing:
1. Ignore all jibes about WoW and priorities.
2. Consider why you posted this question. Are you asking permission to break up with him? If you need the hive mind's permission, you're not trusting yourself enough.
3. Why do you want to break up? It's not about stairs. It's not about the recent fights, either. Because we all have our moments of madness, and he may be going through a slightly madder moment than usual right now. Do you feel too weak to support him? Do you feel he's too weak to support you? Or ...
4. Do you just not like him that much? When you're together, and he's having a sane day/week/month, does he make you feel good? Do you think you make him feel good?
5. Just to be sure: You're not breaking up with him because you don't know how to work things out, are you? Or because you're afraid he doesn't care? If it's a case of avoidance or fear, nip it in the bud and have a Grownup Talk about how to improve things between you. But if you really feel the relationship itself is wrong ... yes, dump the dude.
6. If you are going to do the dumping or if you are fairly sure you're about to be dumped, make sure you have alternate support networks set up for the fallout. If you love him, even only a little, you're going to have some separation anxiety. Schedule nights out and in with friends who understand you and will be there for you. And make sure you schedule some bathroom breaks for yourself during those WoW sessions.
posted by brina at 10:37 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
1. Ignore all jibes about WoW and priorities.
2. Consider why you posted this question. Are you asking permission to break up with him? If you need the hive mind's permission, you're not trusting yourself enough.
3. Why do you want to break up? It's not about stairs. It's not about the recent fights, either. Because we all have our moments of madness, and he may be going through a slightly madder moment than usual right now. Do you feel too weak to support him? Do you feel he's too weak to support you? Or ...
4. Do you just not like him that much? When you're together, and he's having a sane day/week/month, does he make you feel good? Do you think you make him feel good?
5. Just to be sure: You're not breaking up with him because you don't know how to work things out, are you? Or because you're afraid he doesn't care? If it's a case of avoidance or fear, nip it in the bud and have a Grownup Talk about how to improve things between you. But if you really feel the relationship itself is wrong ... yes, dump the dude.
6. If you are going to do the dumping or if you are fairly sure you're about to be dumped, make sure you have alternate support networks set up for the fallout. If you love him, even only a little, you're going to have some separation anxiety. Schedule nights out and in with friends who understand you and will be there for you. And make sure you schedule some bathroom breaks for yourself during those WoW sessions.
posted by brina at 10:37 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
And frankly, I just don't feel like going.
Stop going. Stop even considering going. You want out, you both do. Two weeks have passed, neither one of you has initiated contact. You've been hurting him and I'm sure he's been hurting you.
I agree with solid-one-love, you seem like a cool girl but relationship aren't your thing right now. (hey they're not mine right now either, nothing wrong with that). Enjoy your computer, enjoy WoW and when you're ready, head topside again.
posted by Brainy at 10:39 AM on August 4, 2006
Stop going. Stop even considering going. You want out, you both do. Two weeks have passed, neither one of you has initiated contact. You've been hurting him and I'm sure he's been hurting you.
I agree with solid-one-love, you seem like a cool girl but relationship aren't your thing right now. (hey they're not mine right now either, nothing wrong with that). Enjoy your computer, enjoy WoW and when you're ready, head topside again.
posted by Brainy at 10:39 AM on August 4, 2006
I find the moralistic "video game friends" comments really obnoxious. He hadn't talked to her in two weeks, and then calls her up and experts her to just drop everything and come over? Letting down 19 friends is not an easy thing, especially for someone who's spent the last two weeks pushing you away for "alone time".
F'real. Dump the noob.
posted by dead_ at 10:53 AM on August 4, 2006
F'real. Dump the noob.
posted by dead_ at 10:53 AM on August 4, 2006
For clarification, from beth's account it appears the two weeks of silence (that is currently ongoing) happened after the WoW fiasco.
I fully believe online friends are "real" friends. I also fully believe friends in crisis, especially boy-or-girlfriends, come before hangin' with your buds. Doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a raid or in the middle of a fierce Halo match, if someone's breaking down you don't leave 'em to collapse because you're having too much fun.
posted by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on August 4, 2006
I fully believe online friends are "real" friends. I also fully believe friends in crisis, especially boy-or-girlfriends, come before hangin' with your buds. Doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a raid or in the middle of a fierce Halo match, if someone's breaking down you don't leave 'em to collapse because you're having too much fun.
posted by Anonymous at 10:58 AM on August 4, 2006
::pictures david spade sitting and pouting in a car for four hours::
posted by Dreamghost at 11:03 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by Dreamghost at 11:03 AM on August 4, 2006
To all of you saying "online friends are real people, too" -- yeah, they are, but listen. I used to play alot of Puzzle Pirates. I was quite famous, and ran numerous large pillages ("raids", if you will), in which, not only were from 30 to sixty or more people involved, but, as the leader, and being in posession of skill most of the didn't have, I was pretty much solely responsible for directing their fun. And many of my frequent companions I truly considered friends -- many of them great friends, one of whom, despite never having met me in person, trusted me enough to loan me a four-digit chunk of money when I needed it.
But if any friend of mine, especially one whom I knew was a bit unstable, and doubly especially anyone I considered an SO, called and said, "I'm having a rough time, can you come over?"... I would have done so in a heartbeat. I would have tried to find a replacement for myself, but if not... would have made sincere apologies, explained an out-of-game, RL commitment, and anyone who didn't understand... would have been a righteous asshole I wouldn't waste my time with in the future.
So, yeah. Not placing blame or pointing fingers at beth here. It sounds like it's a fairly unhealthy relationship. I simply want to point out that shit is, indeed, coming from both sides. Regardless of fault or blame... it is truly an indicator that this isn't working out. Don't do the drama. Don't seek to end it before he does for your pride. But if he doesn't, and if you aren't both willing and interested enough to make a commitment to work out your issues like mature adults (which it doesn't sound like you are)... then you need to be the one to end it, instead.
posted by jammer at 11:04 AM on August 4, 2006
But if any friend of mine, especially one whom I knew was a bit unstable, and doubly especially anyone I considered an SO, called and said, "I'm having a rough time, can you come over?"... I would have done so in a heartbeat. I would have tried to find a replacement for myself, but if not... would have made sincere apologies, explained an out-of-game, RL commitment, and anyone who didn't understand... would have been a righteous asshole I wouldn't waste my time with in the future.
So, yeah. Not placing blame or pointing fingers at beth here. It sounds like it's a fairly unhealthy relationship. I simply want to point out that shit is, indeed, coming from both sides. Regardless of fault or blame... it is truly an indicator that this isn't working out. Don't do the drama. Don't seek to end it before he does for your pride. But if he doesn't, and if you aren't both willing and interested enough to make a commitment to work out your issues like mature adults (which it doesn't sound like you are)... then you need to be the one to end it, instead.
posted by jammer at 11:04 AM on August 4, 2006
A relationship is like a plane with only one parachute. Enjoy the ride and hopefully you get to your destination, but if the plane is going down, be the first to get out.
posted by randomstriker at 11:07 AM on August 4, 2006
posted by randomstriker at 11:07 AM on August 4, 2006
Yeah, the 2-week stand-off occurred after the phone call, not before (at least, the way I read it). However, you did say you would go over and just qualified it with a personal issue (WoW) that you had to deal with first which (IMO) is justified if it something you really enjoy.
Now, the SO can choose to react any way they like and, in my experience, no SO of mine would have reacted very well to that particular qualification (a video game) but different strokes etc.
End this mess and just break up with him. You're just making life a lot less enjoyable for both of you and given his reactions up to this point take the bull by the horns and just get it over with. Besides, with your daughter in tow, it's probably best if this particular situation was over so you could concentrate on her for the remainder of her visit.
posted by purephase at 11:15 AM on August 4, 2006
Now, the SO can choose to react any way they like and, in my experience, no SO of mine would have reacted very well to that particular qualification (a video game) but different strokes etc.
End this mess and just break up with him. You're just making life a lot less enjoyable for both of you and given his reactions up to this point take the bull by the horns and just get it over with. Besides, with your daughter in tow, it's probably best if this particular situation was over so you could concentrate on her for the remainder of her visit.
posted by purephase at 11:15 AM on August 4, 2006
I think the fact you wanted to play WoW rather than see what was up with your boyfriend is probably a sign you just don't like him that much anymore. If you wanted to finish watching an episode of friends, or finished reading a chapter in a book, or whatever else you do to pass the time, that would also be a sign it's not working out so hot. It sounds like you both aren't getting along too well.
(Also, WoW is awesome.)
posted by chunking express at 11:36 AM on August 4, 2006
(Also, WoW is awesome.)
posted by chunking express at 11:36 AM on August 4, 2006
To: (Future Exboyfriend)
Greetings/salutations/Hi there,
I understand you'd like to meet in person. I'm assuming that it's because, like me, you feel like this isn't working out for either of us and it's over between us.
Thank you for being as understanding as you've been. I know I've been a heap of work, that you've been supportive as you can be. I've tried to be supportive, but I've obviously missed the mark many times. Given our separate issues, I think we're fundamentally incompatible.
If there's any other reason to meet in person -- to work it out, find a common ground, reconnect -- I'm pretty pessimistic about our chances. I'd rather not drag this out longer, building resentment and hurting each other more in the process.
I've sent (any stuff you have of his, including really expensive gifts) to your house via (shipper or person you mutally know to drop it off). I'd appreciate it if you could leave (stuff of yours he has) on my front porch/mailbox/safe place where you don't have to face each other.
I don't hate you. I just am ready to cut both our losses and get myself a little more together before I attempt a relationship.
Thank you for the (something personal you actually enjoyed).
Sincerely,
Beth
---
And then you screen your phone calls, don't go places he hangs out, and don't respond to text and email.
Merry Christmas, you're broken up.
posted by Gucky at 11:50 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
Greetings/salutations/Hi there,
I understand you'd like to meet in person. I'm assuming that it's because, like me, you feel like this isn't working out for either of us and it's over between us.
Thank you for being as understanding as you've been. I know I've been a heap of work, that you've been supportive as you can be. I've tried to be supportive, but I've obviously missed the mark many times. Given our separate issues, I think we're fundamentally incompatible.
If there's any other reason to meet in person -- to work it out, find a common ground, reconnect -- I'm pretty pessimistic about our chances. I'd rather not drag this out longer, building resentment and hurting each other more in the process.
I've sent (any stuff you have of his, including really expensive gifts) to your house via (shipper or person you mutally know to drop it off). I'd appreciate it if you could leave (stuff of yours he has) on my front porch/mailbox/safe place where you don't have to face each other.
I don't hate you. I just am ready to cut both our losses and get myself a little more together before I attempt a relationship.
Thank you for the (something personal you actually enjoyed).
Sincerely,
Beth
---
And then you screen your phone calls, don't go places he hangs out, and don't respond to text and email.
Merry Christmas, you're broken up.
posted by Gucky at 11:50 AM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]
"any boyfriend who yells "FUCK YOU!" at me and doesn't immediately apologize would get the heave-ho."
doesnt sound like you've ever been in a real relationship..
posted by petsounds at 11:50 AM on August 4, 2006
doesnt sound like you've ever been in a real relationship..
posted by petsounds at 11:50 AM on August 4, 2006
Beth, you're fully cool and I've enjoyed pretty much everything you've ever posted.
That said, you should break up with him now and should think twice about getting into another relationship until you get your shit together. And your soon-to-be-ex should probably never get into another relationship again, ever, with anyone.
posted by solid-one-love at 9:53 AM PST on August 4
Yes.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:53 AM on August 4, 2006
That said, you should break up with him now and should think twice about getting into another relationship until you get your shit together. And your soon-to-be-ex should probably never get into another relationship again, ever, with anyone.
posted by solid-one-love at 9:53 AM PST on August 4
Yes.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 11:53 AM on August 4, 2006
Another voice saying it's pretty clear that neither of you seem to like each other much, and neither of you seem to be in a place in your lives to contribute to a healthy relationship. So forget who breaks up with whom first - just be kind and decent to yourselves and mutually call it off. Then take the time to care for yourself and your mental health needs before getting into another relationship.
posted by scody at 12:02 PM on August 4, 2006
posted by scody at 12:02 PM on August 4, 2006
Yeah, IMHO, the WoW thing stopped me a minute too, but not because it's WoW or because it's a "freaking videogame", but because it sounded like he really needed/wanted help/your presence and you hesitated. This is a clue, I guess, to where he lies on your priority list.
However, I was not there, so I don't know the tone of the conversation. Plus, I'm a really selfish person after having gone through a truly selfless relationship where I got crapped on, so I've taken a position of "enlightened self-interest" on all further relationships. (I come first, but helping others helps me, so I help others.) It sounds like you were debating whether helping him would help you.
Would it? If not, then be done with it. Be honest with him and it will be better for him in the long run. be honest with yourself and it wll be better for you in all cases.
posted by Imperfect at 12:26 PM on August 4, 2006
However, I was not there, so I don't know the tone of the conversation. Plus, I'm a really selfish person after having gone through a truly selfless relationship where I got crapped on, so I've taken a position of "enlightened self-interest" on all further relationships. (I come first, but helping others helps me, so I help others.) It sounds like you were debating whether helping him would help you.
Would it? If not, then be done with it. Be honest with him and it will be better for him in the long run. be honest with yourself and it wll be better for you in all cases.
posted by Imperfect at 12:26 PM on August 4, 2006
beth, there's a lot here I don't understand. Is the issue that you don't like him blowing his gasket and then needing space for weeks? Is the issue that you don't like feeling like he doesn't like you? Is the issue that you need an end to the ups-and-downs? I don't know what all your stories add up to.
But, no, I wouldn't cut something off just because I thought someone else was going to. But I might get more assertive about saying, "it's not okay for you to yell FUCK YOU at me."
I'd just think about what you want, trying not make decisions in the fog of war. It's okay if he wants to break up with you for unreasonable reasons ("how could you not oppose GE food labels!?!") It's okay if someone blowing their gasket all the time makes you want to not hang out with them. Anything you want is okay, but your post makes me not feel like you're clear on what it is you want.
posted by beatrice at 12:27 PM on August 4, 2006
But, no, I wouldn't cut something off just because I thought someone else was going to. But I might get more assertive about saying, "it's not okay for you to yell FUCK YOU at me."
I'd just think about what you want, trying not make decisions in the fog of war. It's okay if he wants to break up with you for unreasonable reasons ("how could you not oppose GE food labels!?!") It's okay if someone blowing their gasket all the time makes you want to not hang out with them. Anything you want is okay, but your post makes me not feel like you're clear on what it is you want.
posted by beatrice at 12:27 PM on August 4, 2006
"any boyfriend who yells "FUCK YOU!" at me and doesn't immediately apologize would get the heave-ho."
doesnt sound like you've ever been in a real relationship..
Let me second the original statement. They wouldn't have to immediately apologize but they would have to apologize.
posted by beatrice at 12:30 PM on August 4, 2006
doesnt sound like you've ever been in a real relationship..
Let me second the original statement. They wouldn't have to immediately apologize but they would have to apologize.
posted by beatrice at 12:30 PM on August 4, 2006
Yes. It really doesn't matter who breaks up with who, the relationship is already over anyway.
posted by Joh at 12:55 PM on August 4, 2006
posted by Joh at 12:55 PM on August 4, 2006
Let me second the original statement. They wouldn't have to immediately apologize but they would have to apologize.
I think your original statement was just fine.
posted by chunking express at 12:59 PM on August 4, 2006
I think your original statement was just fine.
posted by chunking express at 12:59 PM on August 4, 2006
Relationships are like sharks, they must keep moving to survive. What you have is a shark that's been hunted, killed and is now being eaten at a posh Japanese dining establishment by Sony executives. The head is in the dumpster and the extra body parts are in the back waiting to be taken out. You can try to salvage it and put it back together but then you'd have a really, really gross shark.
Also I don't think anyone has touched on this but you said that "you don't think you'd go through another relationship." I am willing to be deep down you're not breaken up with him because you'd rather be with someone then with no one. That is illogical, you will find someone else. Or not. Either way face reality and dump this 5 year old.
posted by geoff. at 2:36 PM on August 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
Also I don't think anyone has touched on this but you said that "you don't think you'd go through another relationship." I am willing to be deep down you're not breaken up with him because you'd rather be with someone then with no one. That is illogical, you will find someone else. Or not. Either way face reality and dump this 5 year old.
posted by geoff. at 2:36 PM on August 4, 2006 [3 favorites]
"any boyfriend who yells "FUCK YOU!" at me and doesn't immediately apologize would get the heave-ho."
Agreed. And I speak here as a woman who's been married for eight years. There are lines you don't cross in a relationship, and that's one of 'em.
posted by Andrhia at 5:00 PM on August 4, 2006
Agreed. And I speak here as a woman who's been married for eight years. There are lines you don't cross in a relationship, and that's one of 'em.
posted by Andrhia at 5:00 PM on August 4, 2006
Guys, most of you aren't bipolar. I am.
Beth, do you care about him, and does he care about you?
Many of the behaviors she mentioned are a trait of where a person can be on the mood cycle. Stability is something we have to really work toward, and if we are struggling, things like sitting in a car four hours or getting pissed off if our bidding isn't done RIGHT THAT MINUTE are part of the disease. Yes, for normal people that is immature behavior, and as bipolars we try to avoid it, but sometimes we can't.
Beth, you and your guy need to talk, honestly. It is very true that a relationship with both parties being bipolar is very difficult. But it is also true that as such you have an understanding of one another that you can rarely get with a normie. So the truth is only you two can decide if this is over or if you are just in a rough patch. Best of luck either way.
posted by konolia at 1:56 PM on August 5, 2006
Beth, do you care about him, and does he care about you?
Many of the behaviors she mentioned are a trait of where a person can be on the mood cycle. Stability is something we have to really work toward, and if we are struggling, things like sitting in a car four hours or getting pissed off if our bidding isn't done RIGHT THAT MINUTE are part of the disease. Yes, for normal people that is immature behavior, and as bipolars we try to avoid it, but sometimes we can't.
Beth, you and your guy need to talk, honestly. It is very true that a relationship with both parties being bipolar is very difficult. But it is also true that as such you have an understanding of one another that you can rarely get with a normie. So the truth is only you two can decide if this is over or if you are just in a rough patch. Best of luck either way.
posted by konolia at 1:56 PM on August 5, 2006
You have probably dealt with this already, but for what it's worth I think you're being more than reasonable. It's challenging to bring bipolarity into the mix of a relationship. But regardless, it's not a contest to see who can put up with or dole out the most bullshit. Sounds excessive.
posted by Marnie at 6:13 AM on August 7, 2006
posted by Marnie at 6:13 AM on August 7, 2006
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