Meeting people is easy.
August 3, 2006 12:01 PM Subscribe
How do people ask questions of friends without coming off as though they're at a job interview?
It seems some people are better than this than others and I am just completely befuddled. When I meet someone new, I find myself talking about myself all the time and not asking questions to find out more about the other. It's not that I don't care...it just doesn't occur to me.
The trouble is that when I'm then asked to provide details to a third party about my new acquaintance...I'm stuck. I can tell you anecdotes and stories about them, but not how old they are or what they do for a living.
I know some people think this is a good thing; I'm not preoccupied with the surface attributes of people. The trouble is, I do kind of want to know these things, I just don't know how to organically ask.
It seems some people are better than this than others and I am just completely befuddled. When I meet someone new, I find myself talking about myself all the time and not asking questions to find out more about the other. It's not that I don't care...it just doesn't occur to me.
The trouble is that when I'm then asked to provide details to a third party about my new acquaintance...I'm stuck. I can tell you anecdotes and stories about them, but not how old they are or what they do for a living.
I know some people think this is a good thing; I'm not preoccupied with the surface attributes of people. The trouble is, I do kind of want to know these things, I just don't know how to organically ask.
I like the "and what about you" suggestion above, and I agree that although you may care about the other person in the conversation, you should put that concern into practice. For instance, for every two or three things you say about yourself, make sure you ask something similar of the other person. You'll probably be overly aware of this at first, but eventually, it should come as a second nature conversation skill.
I don't think that asking relatively basic questions of people you meet could possibly come across as "like an interview." You're not barraging them with questions (age, sex, and place of birth, please!), you're asking basic information. "What do you do for a living" is a really standard and appropriate thing to ask. "How old are you" may not be, especially for a first meeting. Let the tone of the conversation be your guide. If you're comfortable with the questions you're being asked at that moment, chances are, the person you're conversing with will be comfortable answering questions at a similar level.
posted by theantikitty at 12:15 PM on August 3, 2006
I don't think that asking relatively basic questions of people you meet could possibly come across as "like an interview." You're not barraging them with questions (age, sex, and place of birth, please!), you're asking basic information. "What do you do for a living" is a really standard and appropriate thing to ask. "How old are you" may not be, especially for a first meeting. Let the tone of the conversation be your guide. If you're comfortable with the questions you're being asked at that moment, chances are, the person you're conversing with will be comfortable answering questions at a similar level.
posted by theantikitty at 12:15 PM on August 3, 2006
Asking someone about their career or lifestyle is a pretty standard conversation starter. And if, after that question has been answered, you still feel like you couldn't describe that person's job to someone else, simply dig deeper. "Do you enjoy it?" "What does a typical day entail in that line of work?" etc. etc.
posted by Robot Johnny at 12:22 PM on August 3, 2006
posted by Robot Johnny at 12:22 PM on August 3, 2006
Asking someone what they do for a living is always allowed.
Another easy starting point is the context in which you meet the other person. e.g. You are at a party at Bob's house, you can ask, "So, how do you know Bob?"
posted by winston at 12:34 PM on August 3, 2006
Another easy starting point is the context in which you meet the other person. e.g. You are at a party at Bob's house, you can ask, "So, how do you know Bob?"
posted by winston at 12:34 PM on August 3, 2006
Kudos to you for realizing this deficiency and trying to work on it. Few things bother me more than meeting people who are completely self absorbed and clueless about conversation.
I think if you enter into a conversation with a genuine curiosity about the person you're speaking with then things will come off much more natural.
I've found that I truly enjoy learning about people, their backgrounds, their thoughts and feelings on different subjects. If anything it makes friendships tighter!
posted by wfrgms at 12:46 PM on August 3, 2006
I think if you enter into a conversation with a genuine curiosity about the person you're speaking with then things will come off much more natural.
I've found that I truly enjoy learning about people, their backgrounds, their thoughts and feelings on different subjects. If anything it makes friendships tighter!
posted by wfrgms at 12:46 PM on August 3, 2006
You enjoy talking about yourself - or at least, it comes naturally to you. Most people are no different. So, always have a few neutral territory, generic starter questions to hand that they can engage with.
Here's a few that will work on most people:
1. What do you do for a living? Loads of easy follow-ups here, especially if they come across as reasonably passionate about what they do.
2. Where are you from? Again, if they are from out-of-town, or even better abroad, there is a lot to talk about - e.g. why did you move, did you settle in to the community easily, do you miss your hometown / country, do you get to visit often etc etc
3. Do you like sports / art / technology / reading / movies?
These three will usually get a non-threatening conversation going and before you know it, you'll be sharing experiences and communicating on a meaningful level.
Good luck to ya!
posted by mooders at 1:13 PM on August 3, 2006
Here's a few that will work on most people:
1. What do you do for a living? Loads of easy follow-ups here, especially if they come across as reasonably passionate about what they do.
2. Where are you from? Again, if they are from out-of-town, or even better abroad, there is a lot to talk about - e.g. why did you move, did you settle in to the community easily, do you miss your hometown / country, do you get to visit often etc etc
3. Do you like sports / art / technology / reading / movies?
These three will usually get a non-threatening conversation going and before you know it, you'll be sharing experiences and communicating on a meaningful level.
Good luck to ya!
posted by mooders at 1:13 PM on August 3, 2006
Asking someone what they do for a living is always allowed.
While it's pretty standard in most of the U.S., I've met an awful lot of people (mainly European) who find it...a dispreferred topic, I guess.
One question I usually start with is something along the lines of "How has your week been?" It's neutral enough that they can take it in any direction they prefer.
posted by kittyprecious at 1:26 PM on August 3, 2006
While it's pretty standard in most of the U.S., I've met an awful lot of people (mainly European) who find it...a dispreferred topic, I guess.
One question I usually start with is something along the lines of "How has your week been?" It's neutral enough that they can take it in any direction they prefer.
posted by kittyprecious at 1:26 PM on August 3, 2006
I travel a lot and wind up visiting or hanging out with people I don't know very well. Besides the obvious topics like kids, pets, teevee and the internet, I often try to ask people about things that are interesting to me and, I hope, things that will spur conversation. So, a few ideas, often based on the fact that I'm from out of town
- what's the public transportation like around here, do you take it?
- where does the water come from here?
- what do you do for fun here on the weekends/weekday evenings? Or just what do you do for fun generally?
- what is the library like around here? (personal/professional interest to me)
A few questions that are a little more general and where you don't have to be a visitor
- read any good books lately?
- got an opinion on XYZ? [where it can be something that based on your small knowledge of them, they would have at least heard of, so the world series, or ceiling cat, or the new Tom Cruise movie or Mel Gibson's arrest or something you can see from where the two of you are standing -- this can sometimes get dodgy so be prepared to duck out gracefully if it does]
- are you from here? if not, how did you decide to move here?
A lot of those questions have follow-ups that you can add, so if they're not great conversation starters you can tell your own version of the answer and move on to something else.
Also, don't feel bad if you don't know where a friend works, or how old they are, or how many kids they have right off the bat. That sort of knowledge will happen over time, and if your friends are grilling you, it's fine to say "I dunnow, we just talked about baseball and recycling all night." You can also follow-up any of these sorts of questions just by asking people more about it "You like Robert Altman, huh, what's your favorite movie of his?"
posted by jessamyn at 1:47 PM on August 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
- what's the public transportation like around here, do you take it?
- where does the water come from here?
- what do you do for fun here on the weekends/weekday evenings? Or just what do you do for fun generally?
- what is the library like around here? (personal/professional interest to me)
A few questions that are a little more general and where you don't have to be a visitor
- read any good books lately?
- got an opinion on XYZ? [where it can be something that based on your small knowledge of them, they would have at least heard of, so the world series, or ceiling cat, or the new Tom Cruise movie or Mel Gibson's arrest or something you can see from where the two of you are standing -- this can sometimes get dodgy so be prepared to duck out gracefully if it does]
- are you from here? if not, how did you decide to move here?
A lot of those questions have follow-ups that you can add, so if they're not great conversation starters you can tell your own version of the answer and move on to something else.
Also, don't feel bad if you don't know where a friend works, or how old they are, or how many kids they have right off the bat. That sort of knowledge will happen over time, and if your friends are grilling you, it's fine to say "I dunnow, we just talked about baseball and recycling all night." You can also follow-up any of these sorts of questions just by asking people more about it "You like Robert Altman, huh, what's your favorite movie of his?"
posted by jessamyn at 1:47 PM on August 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this really counts, but I always find that the "what do you do for a living" thing backfires because once they tell you, where do you go? If it's not something amazingly fascinating, then you can say "oh, do you like it" and then you're back to basics.
Instead of asking (and I also think it kind of surprises people in a good way) about their job, I like to ask something off the bat like "so, what do you love to do outside of work?" There will always be something you can really ask someone about, and get them talking about something they love instead of something that pays the bills.
posted by mckenney at 2:13 PM on August 3, 2006
Instead of asking (and I also think it kind of surprises people in a good way) about their job, I like to ask something off the bat like "so, what do you love to do outside of work?" There will always be something you can really ask someone about, and get them talking about something they love instead of something that pays the bills.
posted by mckenney at 2:13 PM on August 3, 2006
Asking someone what they do for a living is always allowed.
But, as kittyprecious says, it's very American. That's fine if you're among Americans, but bear in mind people from other places can find it boring and/or intrusive. I actually like her "How has your week been?" a lot and will try to keep it in mind for conversations with people I don't know well.
posted by languagehat at 2:50 PM on August 3, 2006
But, as kittyprecious says, it's very American. That's fine if you're among Americans, but bear in mind people from other places can find it boring and/or intrusive. I actually like her "How has your week been?" a lot and will try to keep it in mind for conversations with people I don't know well.
posted by languagehat at 2:50 PM on August 3, 2006
It's not that I don't care...it just doesn't occur to me.
I have this too!!! I really do care, but I just wait until someone will tell me about them without me having to ask. I've noticed that I really, really like it when other people are actively asking questions (about me, or about other people) so I've been trying to pay close attention to what they ask and try to ask similar questions, but it's still very hard for me to think about it, or I'm afraid I appear too nosy.
If I really feel I need to ask questions or start a conversation, I talk about people's clothes. "Where did you get those shoes?" "Great jacket, man" "That's an interesting hat." "Hey, is that a Threadless shirt?" (Incidentally, that last question was one that Capn asked me at a MeFi meetup, but I've had/used it before)
Often this leads to further stories. I have a cute/funny story about one of my T-shirts that involves my coworker's 2 year old son. I would immediately tell it if you asked me about my shirt, and then you'd automatically be promted to ask where I worked, because I mentioned a coworker.
I think that's how it works, with conversations, but I'm no expert at all, because I don't ask questions either.
posted by easternblot at 3:36 PM on August 3, 2006
I have this too!!! I really do care, but I just wait until someone will tell me about them without me having to ask. I've noticed that I really, really like it when other people are actively asking questions (about me, or about other people) so I've been trying to pay close attention to what they ask and try to ask similar questions, but it's still very hard for me to think about it, or I'm afraid I appear too nosy.
If I really feel I need to ask questions or start a conversation, I talk about people's clothes. "Where did you get those shoes?" "Great jacket, man" "That's an interesting hat." "Hey, is that a Threadless shirt?" (Incidentally, that last question was one that Capn asked me at a MeFi meetup, but I've had/used it before)
Often this leads to further stories. I have a cute/funny story about one of my T-shirts that involves my coworker's 2 year old son. I would immediately tell it if you asked me about my shirt, and then you'd automatically be promted to ask where I worked, because I mentioned a coworker.
I think that's how it works, with conversations, but I'm no expert at all, because I don't ask questions either.
posted by easternblot at 3:36 PM on August 3, 2006
I've noticed that I really, really like it when other people are actively asking questions (about me, or about other people) so I've been trying to pay close attention to what they ask and try to ask similar questions, but it's still very hard for me to think about it, or I'm afraid I appear too nosy.
You don't think those people are nosy when they actively ask you questions? Well, just remember that other people are a lot like yourself - they really like it when people ask them questions. Really, I think much of it is just being mindful - if you realize you're doing all the talking, time to turn the tables.
posted by canine epigram at 4:58 PM on August 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
You don't think those people are nosy when they actively ask you questions? Well, just remember that other people are a lot like yourself - they really like it when people ask them questions. Really, I think much of it is just being mindful - if you realize you're doing all the talking, time to turn the tables.
posted by canine epigram at 4:58 PM on August 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
Of all the answers so far, I think jessamyn's approach is closest to what works for me.
At first I stick to questions that aren't personal, because in some environments it's very inappropriate to ask about people's origins, education, families, or especially jobs.
Sometimes even asking how you know the host can be awkward. Even people who are happy talking about their own situations may hesitate to disclose the host's connection with rehab, AA, Weight Watchers, or a potentially controversial political or social group.
So if I want to strike up a conversation, at first I'll focus on the immediate setting. And I'll generally begin with an observation, so it doesn't come off as an interrogation. "The last time I was at a party here, they brought in fire-eaters after dark. What do you suppose they've planned this time?" or "I've never been in this neighborhood before and I had no idea this building even existed. What else is interesting around here?"
posted by tangerine at 11:17 AM on August 4, 2006
At first I stick to questions that aren't personal, because in some environments it's very inappropriate to ask about people's origins, education, families, or especially jobs.
Sometimes even asking how you know the host can be awkward. Even people who are happy talking about their own situations may hesitate to disclose the host's connection with rehab, AA, Weight Watchers, or a potentially controversial political or social group.
So if I want to strike up a conversation, at first I'll focus on the immediate setting. And I'll generally begin with an observation, so it doesn't come off as an interrogation. "The last time I was at a party here, they brought in fire-eaters after dark. What do you suppose they've planned this time?" or "I've never been in this neighborhood before and I had no idea this building even existed. What else is interesting around here?"
posted by tangerine at 11:17 AM on August 4, 2006
lang: her his
Sorry! But your profile is kind of on the empty side.
posted by languagehat at 12:24 PM on August 4, 2006
Sorry! But your profile is kind of on the empty side.
posted by languagehat at 12:24 PM on August 4, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
Let it flow naturally from conversation - think of it like a friendly tennis match. Heck, mirror their questions - listen to what they're asking you, and do likewise:
NEW PERSON: So, what do you like to read?
YOU: Oh, I blah blah blah ... what about you? What catches your interest?
posted by canine epigram at 12:09 PM on August 3, 2006