I'm weird.

July 25, 2006 12:14 PM

I have the opposite of this problem. I'm quite eccentric, and I would like your help.

I'm weird. For as long as I can remember, I have been unlike any of my coworkers or peers, especially with regards to dress, conversation, and behavior. For example, I have strong urges to wear bright mismatched clothes with words written on them in marker. I would prefer to have random, free-associating conversations incorporating childhood memory, crappy music videos, objects in the room, and biology. I don't think linearly. I would like to dance in the lobbies of movie theaters. It's not that I don't understand how to fit in, it's just that fitting in is so simultaneously stressful and boring for me. I don't think that I'm exceptional or special, and I'm not seeking attention. If anything, I would prefer to dress oddly so that people know what they're getting into: it is a relief.

The problem is that I honestly don't want to be one of "those people," and I really do want to contribute to society. I value being a part of the social world. I enjoy relating to and connecting with people and being helpful and kind. Consequently, I feel a lot of tension between fitting in and flipping out. Sometimes I feel like I am two steps away from becoming Sun Ra or that homeless guy in the subway reading an upside-down newspaper outloud. The former is somewhat appealing, but the latter is terrifying.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Any Psych101 suggestions (yes, I'm in therapy, but I wonder about its normative aspects)? Is this just "being gifted" or "creative"? What are some strategies for reconciling these impulses with the real world? Should I just stop caring about being different, or will this finally push me over some anti-social edge?

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

Pretend that you're a great, eccentric method actor (or secret agent, or undercover cop), with the eccentric goal being believed to be a button-down, conventional, flannel-suited, picket-fenced suborn mid-level exec. Put your heart and soul into playing that part.
posted by orthogonality at 12:26 PM on July 25, 2006

What are some strategies for reconciling these impulses with the real world?

Figure out the bare bones of what you need to do to "make it" in the real world. i.e. You probably have bills to pay, and you probably need a job. What is the least amount of fitting in you can do and still make enough money to eat and put a roof over your head? Maybe you can find a job where you can wear whatever you want, or act crazy (have you ever thought of working with children? I imagine children like you a lot, don't they?)
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:34 PM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Fitting in with who? You need some friends who are as weird as you are. Normal is overrated, and your failure to be normal in itself does not merit therapy.

While many gifted people are eccentric, it doesn't follow that eccentric people are necessarily gifted. You may be, for all we know, or you may just be a weirdo.

If you're a kind and decent person, the mundanes you interact with will either respond to that and see beyond your more colorful quirks (good), or will be unable to overlook your quirks to see what's good about you (bad). Do you feel that your quirks are a barrier? Maybe just certain quirks, like your tendency to ramble on at length about the oeuvre of Sid & Marty Croft? If it's something like that, tone that down. Even your weird friends will get tired of that really quickly.
posted by adamrice at 12:39 PM on July 25, 2006

Channel it. Fit in as best you can in the majority of situations, and channel all your "eccentricities" elsewhere. Find an outlet (art, music, sculpture, gardening, fashion, whatever) where odd expression is welcome, and use that as a release. You'll probably still find yourself saying or doing "weird" things in social situations, but it'll seem more like a quirk than the basis of your character.

Either that or just screw it and live as you please. If you are sincere and committed to "being part of the social world", folks around you will likely pick up that, yeah, you're a bit odd but a good person to know.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 12:41 PM on July 25, 2006

Chose a carrier path that allows for eccentricity.
posted by delmoi at 12:43 PM on July 25, 2006

What are some strategies for reconciling these impulses with the real world?

Maybe you can find a job where you can wear whatever you want, or act crazy

Brings to mind the fascinating world of the 'one-and-only' Tim "Speed" Levitch, as profiled in the film 'The Cruise.'

Become a tour-guide like "Speed" where you can distinguish yourself by your eccentricities and creativity.
posted by ericb at 12:45 PM on July 25, 2006

Sounds to me like you have talent which has found no outlet. Bring that talent to a head and create something. If your work's good enough, almost any eccentricity will be seen merely as an outward manifestation of your inner fire.
posted by jamjam at 12:45 PM on July 25, 2006

Welcome to my world, sort of. Do you have friends? Friends and family are the people who give me the sort of reality testing to figure out if the things I'm doing are within tolerance ranges for what most people would find acceptable.

Keep in mind that eccentricities can fall into a lot of different areas, some of which affect only you (how you dress, unless someone is bringing you as a date somewhere, or you attract TOO much attention) and some of which affect those around you (dancing in the lobby, free association conversations with people who are not expecting/desiring that). Keeping an eye and a mind on the comfort levels of others to see when your own actions are not having the desired effect is part of drawing an effective line between quirky and irritating.

In short, there is nothing wrong with being exactly how you want to be (as long as you're not risking imprisonment, etc etc) but you may have to either a) sacrifice socially or b) get new friends. Part of being in society instead of being the wacky guy in your own house is that there are expectations and norms. Everyone chooses how to align themselves with them. I guess what would be a good idea for you to do is think about your impulses. Do you want to just dance around all the time, or is it just when you're around other people in order to get a desired effect? Does the fact that the effect you get may be different than what you were hoping for mitigate your feeling of wanting to do what you want to do?

What did it for me, in some ways, was a combination of a strong desire to meet other people more on THEIR terms which meant reigning in some of the things I might have done otherwise as well as moving someplace where being a little weird didn't matter in the slightest. Sometimes an adjustment to your surroundings or your social group is all it takes to make you not be the total odd man out. Anti-social behavior is somewhat relative because it depends on the particular social setting you're in. Some types of people -- artists, musicians, teenagers, mad scientists -- are more known for oddball behavior and other types are not. When you choose what you want to do in life and who you want to associate with, you probably want to keep in mind your desire for eccentricity as a part of that.

Also, you say that you're not seeking attention, but some of the things you describe will result in you getting attention. One of the reasons people are more accepting and tolerant of weirdo geniuses than they might be of run of the mill eccentrics is that the genius aspect means that they're contributing something socially even if it's not the typical things one contributes to the social order. You may want to think about what you have to contribute, how your creativity and/or gift is going to impact the other people you interact with. I can sometimes go too far in the trying to be normal aspect and then wind up irritated and bored (as you also say) so I find more of a challenge to my creative self in finding exactly the right fulcrum between annoying/irritating and being tolerated as someone who is a little odd but contributes in some meaningful way.
posted by jessamyn at 12:46 PM on July 25, 2006 [7 favorites]

Is this just "being gifted" or "creative"?

I'm going to say no. The truly intelligent and creative people I know, after a lifetime of hanging with such a crowd, look almost as plain as any other office worker. The last thing they're going to worry about is about impressing strangers with their manner or dress.

Growing up I've always been part of the "alt" crowd without going too crazy. I was like you until I hit 28 or 29 or so and suddenly I was just sick of being Mr Different. Its like I woke up and no longer cared about being some kind of difficult to understand harmless rebel. I didnt want to be different for the sake of being different anymore. I didnt hate button down shirts anymore. It suddenly became no big deal. I felt childish and silly in all my smart-ass t-shirts and carefully chosen out-of-style pants and shoes.

Why? I'm not exactly sure. It may be a combination of the fear of growing up, the fear of not getting enough attention, and the fear of conformity. Perhaps some social anxiety and alienation mixed in there also. Maybe when I was in Jr High I said "Well I'll show the kids who dont want to be my friend by being cooler and weirder than them!" Maybe the next day I wore a Robotech t-shirt and just "checked out."

Getting older and more confident eventually toned those fears and anxieties down. Now when I see the uber-hipster or smartass type I just kinda feel a little sorry for them.
posted by the ghost of Ken Lay at 12:52 PM on July 25, 2006 [2 favorites]

If you tell people you're an artist, it generally solves any problem they may have with your dress/behavior/appearance/etc.

I'm one of those, too. And, yes, I do dance in movie theater lobbies, impersonate Captain Jack Sparrow (including the drunken walk) randomly, wear a top hat and pants that I've scribbled all over in marker in public, talk about my fascinations with spiders or the time I saw steers being butchered whilst eating dinner, and kiss horses more than I do boys.

I found, somewhat regrettably, that this tendency is irrepressible. I moved to Utah, and went to a university of homogenously white upper-middle-class republicans. Having grown up in California as a Mormon, with only a few others of my faith in my peer group, being a "goody-goody" had always made me stand out. Since -everyone- in Provo was a goody-goody, this quality no longer made me stand out, which I quickly remedied by becoming a habitual shoplifter, rabble-rouser, and maker of glib comments at completely inappropriate times.

So my suggestion? Find a community that, in whatever way, supports your eccentricities. If you're around a bunch of other "crazies," you're likely to feel invisible (despite the fact that, I know, you're not doing it for attention - you get it regardless, and will miss it if it's gone, I assure you!) and thus feel the need to be more extreme in your actions. Conversely, if you associate with very straight-laced types, you're going to start questioning your sanity (needlessly!) after a while of continued stares, puzzled looks, alienation, and whispered comments behind your back.

Being different is a part of who you are - you can't stop caring about it. What you can do is accept it, realize that not everyone else will, and that it won't ruin your life unless you're hurting people with it - which, from your descriptions, you're far from doing so. If you preferred to insult people in conversations for amusement, then you might have a problem. :)

And if your impulses really conflict with what you call the Real World, and are causing stress, I'd say it's time to change the Real World you live in. There are many, many versions of it, and you probably don't have to pack up and move to find them, unless you live in a rural Midwestern farming town, population 400. Does your job support or stifle you in this aspect? If it stifles, can you find a new one? How about your friends? What kind of people do you hang out with?

In my eyes, the solution here is to keep yourself feeling like these tendencies are a problem, rather than to change them in yourself. Doing so would doubtless only lead you to unhappiness and stress.

And, on belated preview, what Jessamyn said. :)
posted by po at 12:56 PM on July 25, 2006

Without your quirks & eccentricities, do you think you have any special or lovable qualities?

I'm only asking because you sound an awful lot like a college friend, who made a very big deal about being eccentric and strange. He went through phases...at one point, he decided that he wanted to emulate Jesus (despite being an athiest) and thus wore things that he associated with how Jesus would look, like sandals and using a rope for a belt. He would let himself into people's apartments and do their dishes while they were still sleeping. He refused to do assignments and projects as his professors requested, because doing things his way was being true to himself, and creative, and special.

A lot of his quirks were endearing at first. He won people over at least as often as he annoyed them. But once you really, really got to know him, you realized that it was all bullshit and that he felt the need to act this way because beneath his weirdo exterior, he was just a normal kid, from a normal family, and he hated that. There is nothing romantic or exciting in being the same as anyone else, and he couldn't find any other ways to stand out. Eventually he had to get his shit together to graduate, but he still wound up alienating most of his friends by putting on an act of being extra-special in a look-at-me! sort of way.

I guess it is your question about whether your quirks make you "gifted" that struck a chord with me. It seems like you're reaching for something that makes you special, when in fact, there are already things that make you special without putting on a crazy act.
posted by tastybrains at 1:16 PM on July 25, 2006

If you are doing all of the things you think of as possible to do (magic-marker shirts and movie-lobby dancing) even though you know it will undermine your efforts to 'fit in', then it might be an impulse-control issue and your therapy will help with that.

I support the suggestion, above, of channeling your eccentricities. Whenever you think of things that you know are odd or anti-social, write them down in a little notebook. Periodically read through the notebook and see if there's a theme or some way of putting all these thoughts together into a socially-acceptable venue - perhaps you could write a script or organize a performance art piece or put together a children's play from all those wacky ideas.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 1:32 PM on July 25, 2006

Join a marching band.
posted by spilon at 2:40 PM on July 25, 2006

I don't think you should care too much about being normal or different. As long as you're not hurting anyone and you're functional (e.g., you can hold down a job and aren't self-destructive or reckless), just do what makes you happy.
posted by lunalaguna at 3:10 PM on July 25, 2006

Just be yourself.
posted by reklaw at 3:12 PM on July 25, 2006

I used to act/dress like this until I was well into my 20s. These days, I try to channel the creative/expressive drive into things that I think will help me, my friends, the people around me, or the causes I care about. The key realization for me was that directing that "free energy" into something as ephemeral as my clothing or hairstyle was essentially (for me) wasting it.
posted by anildash at 3:25 PM on July 25, 2006

You may feel you're weird, but you're right about not being special. Once your brain organization sorts itself and becomes stable, you'll have fewer problems with impulse control, and an easier time wanting to reproduce social behaviors and dress yourself. Life will get vastly easier and better immediately thereafter.
posted by paulsc at 4:40 PM on July 25, 2006

Basically, what The PinkSuperhero said. Lots of us have this problem. If you're not a willing drone by nature you have to compromise. You have to work out how to do the bare minimum of conforming you can do in order to support the lifestyle and behaviour you really feel comfortable with. If you don't value material things at all, are happy to live on the street, get beaten up and abused and die young, you're in luck. You can tell the straight world to go to hell. If you want a house, a car, a partner, kids and the respect of your peers... oh dear, you're definitely going to have to compromise like a trollop. If, as I suspect, and like most of us, you're somewhere between these extremes, you have to experiment. You have to find your level. How much stright shit do you have to put up with in order to maintain an acceptable level of eccentricity? How much can you get away with? Do you have the skills to pull a job where eccentricity is accepted and even valued, or do you have to work the cubefarm and wear the suit (but maybe you can get away with that oh-so-hilarious Mickey Mouse tie)?

Welcome to planet "Freethinking intelligent person in a nasty, boring old world", dude. Good luck!
posted by Decani at 4:56 PM on July 25, 2006

Go into academia! The stranger you act, the smarter people think you are.
posted by LarryC at 5:34 PM on July 25, 2006

I can't imagine your eccentricities will push you over an anti-social edge unless they're harmful to others or yourself. I have an eccentric brother. Growing up, the word people used most often was "weird". I spent much of my high school years throwing myself flat on the car seat, yelling, "keep driving!" I didn't want my friends to know that I knew him. He wore a lot of things that I literally begged him not to wear, like a french beret and a silk scarf tied around his neck (in the 1970's). These things were not appreciated by the small town folk we lived with. He got beat up by boy scouts..

Thirty years later, I deeply love him and have nothing but affection for his eccentricities. He is married, has a child and a job and anyone who knows him has tremendous affection for him. He still dresses a little oddly, and walks funny, but he is very gentle, kind and easy-going. Some of his weirdness has dimmed, and for the remainder, there is deep affection. If these things, these quirks, went away, I would really mourn them.

I'm not sure how eccentric you are, but if you are kind, generous, good-hearted, appreciate laughing, and can have an interesting conversation, I don't think anyone who loves you will be put off by your behavior.
posted by joaniemcchicken at 6:04 PM on July 25, 2006

LarryC: You have to get tenure first, although this may depend on the discipline.
posted by raysmj at 7:44 PM on July 25, 2006

Man, I feel your pain. All I can say is that however tough I have it when I let my freak flag fly, it gets even tougher when I try to conform. Some people can just slip on the "normal suit" whenever they want - for me, the suit fits poorly and I always look like I got it out of a Salvation Army dumpster.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:57 PM on July 25, 2006

Move to New York City. No one will notice.
posted by Violet Hour at 10:45 PM on July 25, 2006

Or care.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:26 AM on July 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

Okay, in all seriousness, here's how to try to be normal.

* Dress the way other people dress. Look at what the most boring people you know are wearing and ask them where they shop. Pick plain things. Plain old blue jeans, plain old khakis, boring light blue pinstriped shirts, that sort of thing. If you find it remotely interesting to look at, don't buy it. Make sure you don't stand out in any way from the hordes.

* Make sure nothing else about your appearance stands out to people. Wearing glasses (something I learned from unfortunate experience), for example, seems to get people's attention.

*Speak as little as possible. Seriously, people will know you are weird the more that you say. (I dress in a somewhat conventional style these days, but anyone who's spoken to me for five minutes can figure out that I'm strange. I talked to some random gamer at a party once about normal trivial crap and within five minutes he was all, "You should be a Malkavian.") Stand around and nod in conversations and say as little as possible, and everyone will love you.

Yup, fitting in IS simultaneously stressful and boring for you, isn't it?

I tried these methods for years in order to deflect people from picking on me in high school. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. People will KNOW you are weird. Even if you blend in with the nearest wall and go mute, they will figure it out. So pretending to be normal when you're not is inherently a losing proposition.

I don't get why you think that being weird doesn't contribute to society, though. Famous artists didn't contribute? Weirdo inventors didn't contribute? It sounds more like you are bothered by the social interactions with "normal" people looking down on you than anything else to me. And well, the best thing you can do is minimize contact with those people. They're not gonna like you if they don't like weird anyway.

In short- yeah, I think you just need to deal with being weird. It's who you are, dude. You can't NOT be weird if you're born with it, and you won't be happier trying to fit in. Just find other weird people to associate with.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:06 PM on July 26, 2006