Why is the opening at the front of men's briefs still there if it's rarely used?

June 23, 2006 6:02 AM

UnderpantsFilter: What is the opening at the front of briefs (and boxer breifs) for? Okay, I know what it's for, but does anyone actually use it? It seems far more trouble to manipulate than pulling the front of your pants down four inches. If no one uses it, why is it still there? It seems to add extra fabric and stitching that cost-reductionism would have eliminated long ago. Is it simple industry momentum? Does it add something to the comfort I don't see?
posted by Plutor to clothing, beauty, & fashion (165 answers total)

It's an extra layer, maybe it's there for "absorption"?
posted by splatta at 6:05 AM on June 23, 2006

I use it.

Especially in public urinals.
posted by milarepa at 6:06 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Ever worn a belt?
posted by sohcahtoa at 6:09 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I never understood why there was a "passage" there. The extra layers are for absorption. Reminds me of a little ditty I heard once:

"No matter how you wiggle, squirm or dance, the last three drops always end up in your pants!"

I switched to pouch type - the same extra layers without the opening.
posted by Bobtheordinary at 6:10 AM on June 23, 2006

Try it, you'll like it.
posted by Big Fat Tycoon at 6:11 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I've always used it.
posted by matteo at 6:15 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

you may have well also asked 'why a fly'?

when i'm wearing shorts or other stuff where you can just pull down that's what i do.

but like sohcahtoa said, a belt makes that a hassle. also if you've ever worn a suit or worked at a job where things were business dress and you have to tuck in your shirt, it's way easier to use your fly and the hole.

boxers in case you want to know that too
posted by poppo at 6:15 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Pulling down your pants is for little kids. Really. Dude.
posted by unSane at 6:18 AM on June 23, 2006 [12 favorites]

UnderpantsFilter: What is the opening at the front of briefs (and boxer breifs) for?

To pull your business through so you don't have to untuck your shirt and unbuckle your belt and pull your pants down like a 5 year old.

Okay, I know what it's for, but does anyone actually use it?

Yes.
posted by glenwood at 6:21 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Everyday. As a matter of fact, I plan on using it in the next three minutes.

There, I said it. Happy?
posted by unixrat at 6:27 AM on June 23, 2006 [4 favorites]

My last GF was appalled that I was an "up and over" guy. like there's any other kind. Dumped her real quick.
posted by Gungho at 6:28 AM on June 23, 2006 [4 favorites]

Hmmm. You know, there is a middle ground between "pull down your pants like a five year old" and "pull your shlong through the flaps." I find it easier to use the pants fly, but to pull the elastic top of the boxerbriefs down. That way I don't have to mess with the belt and tucked shirt, and also don't have to struggle to route through the overlapping flaps. (btw, this only applies for boxerbriefs, not boxers, which are much easier to just pull straight through).
posted by pardonyou? at 6:31 AM on June 23, 2006 [3 favorites]

Plutor : "It seems far more trouble to manipulate than pulling the front of your pants down four inches."

I used it since I was a little kid. Somewhere around high school, a friend of mine expressed surprise, saying that he just pulled down the front of his underwear. I decided to try it: for me, who was used to using the slot, it was far more trouble to pull the front down four inches than to use the slot. Now I can do either one. Regardless, my point is: whichever one you're used to, the alternative is what is more trouble.
posted by Bugbread at 6:31 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Not happy. I often don't wear pants or shorts which I can easily pull down four inches when I need to do my business. Belts make that a tad difficult, as well.

So yes, I use it. I can't recall the last time I walked into a bathroom and saw someone at the urinal with their pants halfway down, either.
posted by Atreides at 6:34 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

It seems far more trouble to manipulate than pulling the front of your pants down four inches.

Four inches ? I have to pull down a whole 8 inches !

Also, I'd go with the "belt" reasoning.
I myself use a belt, but find it quicker to just unbuckle and pull down. I don't see why I should find using the more cumbersome way more manly, but hey, to each his own. It's not like I'm showing some ass.
posted by XiBe at 6:35 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Using the trapdoor in the boxers/briefs is an acquired skill that some never bothered to master. It's kind of a quick dodge to the left, then to the right that some have no patience for.

That, and varying anatomy makes it more difficult for some to line everything up. Underwear doesn't fit the same on everyone, YMMV.
posted by mikeh at 6:39 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Oh, and (insert conservative religious group) has sex through that flap, too. Because they can't be naked, you see.
posted by mikeh at 6:40 AM on June 23, 2006

I find it impossible to use, wiggling my business past all those layers. A maze of twisty passages, all alike.

It's possible to go over the top without pulling your pants down.
posted by bondcliff at 6:43 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

I wear a belt every day, but I still consider the Easy Route to be to undo everything and go up-and-over. I don't pull my pants all the way down (although I can think of a friend or two who would be willing to do it, in a public restroom, just for laughs).

Huh. I guess a lot more people use it than I expected. If the responses so far are indicative, it looks like up-and-over and through-the-trapdoor are split pretty evenly 50/50. Which is a great reason to keep it.
posted by Plutor at 6:43 AM on June 23, 2006

Furthermore, if you are a 'pull-down' type of guy you open yourself up to the fun that happens when your hand slips and the elastic springs back up mid-pee.

Now that I've talked about peeing on the internet I can never be President.
posted by unixrat at 6:45 AM on June 23, 2006 [22 favorites]

So yes, I use it. I can't recall the last time I walked into a bathroom and saw someone at the urinal with their pants halfway down, either.

I can, it was a cub scout at a Portland Seadogs baseball game two weeks ago. A row of boys pissing, and one pair of very white buttcheeks in the middle.
posted by sohcahtoa at 6:47 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Another vote for always using the flap. Even if my shirt is not tucked in that day, it is just easier. I wear boxer-briefs and it is far less hassle than grabbing the edge, pulling it waaay down and then holding it down so it doesn't castrate me while in mid-urination.

Depending on the fit of your underwear, I could see that the flap might be more or less troublesome for different people.

Also, any method that isn't using the flap, really does seem childish. That is probably just in my head though.
posted by utsutsu at 6:49 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I always go with what seems to me to be the easiest path. If its work attire with a tucked in shirt and belt, gotta use the fly. If its jeans and an untucked shirt, it's over the top.
posted by MrToad at 6:50 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

This whole thread explains A LOT about the overall level of hygiene in most public men's bathrooms.

Count me in as a life-long "schlong-flap" user.
posted by briank at 6:51 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I only wear boxers and have use the flap when peeing in public urinals (or behind the house, or in the woods, etc). I never bothered with it when I wore tighty whities as a kid.
posted by terrapin at 6:51 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Once I started using the fly, I never stopped.
posted by sonofsamiam at 6:53 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I can't believe no one's chimed in on the sex element yet (for non religous types). When sitting, it's much easier for one's partner to gain access thru the twisty passages than undoing everything--you know, for those occasions where time is of the essence.
posted by dobbs at 7:06 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I never liked going out the fly because theres always a chance of dribbling on your pants as you pull it back in through the fly.
posted by GleepGlop at 7:08 AM on June 23, 2006

I didn't realize it was so common for guys not to use the fly-flap thing.
Even when I'm wearing fly-less pants (at the gym or whatever), I still use the flap on my boxers.

I have, however, heard of guys who always sit to pee...
posted by jozxyqk at 7:08 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Sounds like a Kramer riff from Seinfeld.
posted by Neiltupper at 7:15 AM on June 23, 2006

This is one of the reasons why I wear boxers.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:15 AM on June 23, 2006

Over the elastic

and through the fly

to the urinal Mr. Happy goes...

When you've got as massive a bucking bar as I have, accidental elastic tension release has a negligible effect on stream alignment. (joke)

BTW, there's another dimension to this - I once overheard in a locker room a father wearily trying to correct his son's practice of wearing briefs with the flap positioned to the rear. Son would apparently open the flap, goatse style, when releasing a deuce.
posted by de void at 7:18 AM on June 23, 2006 [15 favorites]

Much easier to one-hand with the flap, as well. Means I don't have to drop a bag on the public bathroom floor, gross.
posted by Big Fat Tycoon at 7:18 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I am not ashamed to say I sometimes sit at home. For one thing I know the toilet is clean there, and for another I know if I splash by standing *I* have to clean the floor. Win win.
posted by terrapin at 7:19 AM on June 23, 2006

I can see that there's two different ways people do this, but... people have trouble managing a belt at a urinal? And with tucking in their shirt when they're done?

How the heck do you guys take a dump?
posted by mendel at 7:31 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Up and over here. Plus when I go up and over, I pull my balls out too, and the elastic rests under the balls so no chance of it slipping up mid-pee. I wear a belt and business formal wear at work, never had a problem with it, even one handed. The flap doesn't give enough room for me to be comfortable, always afraid of splatter on the pants.
posted by BigVACub at 7:38 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I find it impossible to use, wiggling my business past all those layers. A maze of twisty passages, all alike.

It's possible to go over the top without pulling your pants down.

Precisely. Precisely. Who needs that choking effect on your business -- it only obstructs the last few trickles, which end up dripping on the brief once you hoist back in. Why encumber your tool -- let it free!
posted by terrier319 at 7:39 AM on June 23, 2006

I'm a pull down kind of guy except when nature calls outside and the temperature is below -10 or so. Then the less skin exposed the better.
posted by Mitheral at 7:39 AM on June 23, 2006

To support the considerable heft of my unit, I find it best to unfurl it over the waistband. Using the flap is not feasible for some of us.
posted by horsewithnoname at 7:41 AM on June 23, 2006

We're all crazy here, aren't we?

That said...through the appropriate doorway, as intended by god, and the makers of these cheap fruit-of-the-looms I wear.

Unless, of course, I need a few minutes to meditate, then it's sitting like a girl for me, and I don't care who knows!

/washes mind out with strong soap to remove all these images!
posted by HuronBob at 7:46 AM on June 23, 2006

I eschew the flap altogether and instead pull the leg up and over my unit, probably as one would pull down the waist band. The "pull down" method doesn't work for me as it cuts off the flow and also lowers the accuracy of my whiz-aim.

Recently I bought some boxer briefs from The Gap that don't have the peephole on front and -- while I don't really use it -- not having the material up front is weird.
posted by box elder at 8:02 AM on June 23, 2006

I'm surprised at the comments about us up-and-over guys pulling our pants down—that's nuts. Unbutton, unzip, pull the elastic down: that's all the movement required. My pants don't budge.
posted by cortex at 8:09 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I always sit down to pee at night. I don't have to find my glasses, don't have to turn on the lights, don't have to aim. Hell, I barely have to open my eyes.
posted by faceonmars at 8:23 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

It is nuts, (and I don't understand the unbutton). I'm wondering if being fat is a factor in this discussion.

If no one uses it, why is it still there? It seems to add extra fabric and stitching that cost-reductionism would have eliminated long ago.

Because if it wasn't there, our briefs would look like panties.
posted by Rash at 8:23 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

When urinating, I sit down whenever possible. Like Larry David pointed out on a "Curb Your Enthusiasm", it's more relaxing, and less messy. His father's reaction? "That's disgusting."
posted by Rash at 8:26 AM on June 23, 2006

All we need now is some music. Wait.. Ah, yes. I have the perfect song at the perfect moment.

And I’m proud to be and American, where at least I know I’m free...
posted by jeversol at 8:37 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Having read this discussion, I, like so many of you, took a moment to reflect on my own boxer-flap peeing technique - and the crazy thing is, I realised I don't know.
posted by RokkitNite at 8:38 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Keep us posted!
posted by sonofsamiam at 8:41 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I always drop my pants down to my ankles, regardless of where I am.
posted by PuGZ at 8:48 AM on June 23, 2006 [6 favorites]

Oops, when taking a piss.*
posted by PuGZ at 8:48 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

*makes notes for future metalk flamewars*

And I'm an up and over kinda guy. BigVACub nails it.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:53 AM on June 23, 2006

Mendel says: I can see that there's two different ways people do this, but... people have trouble managing a belt at a urinal? And with tucking in their shirt when they're done?


Well, if your belt weighs a fair amount (wide, real leather, substantial belt buckle) and your pants are loose fitting, then undoing your belt can mean that your pants will just fall right down - unless you hold them up, which is a pain.
posted by jaded at 8:56 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Only time I don't use the flap is when I suspect I have poison ivy on my hands and unfurl instead of pick.
posted by sled at 9:03 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Absolutely. Like Kramer said, "My boys need a home." And this guy needs the support.
posted by Rash at 9:23 AM on June 23, 2006

I wear a belt and dress pants most of the time, so it's unzip and then like BigVACub - everything's up and over. Never did master the crazy pathway through the slot.
posted by embythegreat at 9:31 AM on June 23, 2006

The purpose of that overlapped loose section is to permit briefs to expand to fit the shape of a man. It provides support without being so tight as to cause pain, which would be the case if it relied solely on the stretchiness of knit fabric in order to "form fit".
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 9:33 AM on June 23, 2006

Your favorite way to pee sucks.

Anyway, I used to go up-and-over until I was about 20 or so. I started to notice other guys going through the fly and leaving their belt done--so I tried it and have never gone back. I wonder if this is more controversial than the sit or stand while wiping your butt question?
posted by mullacc at 9:43 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Don't underestimate the importance of the cut of the garment. The amount of overlap to the flaps must be just enough to contain the package through normal activity yet allow it to be extracted without excessive manipulation. Generally, name brand briefs have a flap overlap that works for most men, but if you're a through-the-flaps-type, it's worth experimenting to find the brand that best accomodates your size and weight.
posted by klarck at 9:46 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Like Kramer said, "My boys need a home."

But do you recall which direction he eventually went? Commando.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:48 AM on June 23, 2006

I don't use the flap, but I do appreciate it, both for the extra layers it provides and also the fact that the break in the fabric allows for a sort of 'pouching' action which I imagine would feel quite uncomfortable in absentia.

I also find that getting the ol' boy out through the flap is rather difficult, but not near so much as difficult as getting it back in and comfortable again.

And, yes, Foetry Guy, this adult wears them because 1) having an erection is significantly less obtrusive (boxers flaps tend to open up more accidentally more often) and 2) I hate the feeling of my nuts slapping the insides of my thighs all day.

If my mom or a nun or something is reading this, I'm borrowing this account....
posted by hoborg at 9:51 AM on June 23, 2006

#unixrat: Now that I've talked about peeing on the internet I can never be President.

No, you will never be President because you are a girly-man.

Men piss, women pee, and children tinkle. It's onomatopoeia. Some guys, when discussing micturition with women think it creates more intimacy by adopting the term for a female act and applying it to males. Wrong. It just shows that the guy is a pussy (or wants to have one).
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 9:52 AM on June 23, 2006 [3 favorites]

To pull your business through so you don't have to untuck your shirt and unbuckle your belt and pull your pants down like a 5 year old.

Interesting comment. Of course, when you have a man-sized old fella it's far easier to hook the beast from above and let it unravel over the top of the undercrackers rather than trying to uncoil such a length through the junior Y-front slit. It maes you less likely to bruise your knees, too.
posted by Decani at 9:57 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Wait. Let me get this straight. Adults still wear briefs?

Well, the ones with humungous, pendulous nadgers do, because they need the extra support. Boxers are for little boys with... little boys.
posted by Decani at 9:59 AM on June 23, 2006

It's kind of a quick dodge to the left, then to the right that some have no patience for.

For me it's more of a swirling action.
posted by Aghast. at 10:06 AM on June 23, 2006

If you pull through the Y slit, without unbuttoning your pants, you expose your skin and various curly pubes to the prospect of getting caught and tangled in your zipper when you go to tuck back in.
By unbuttoning, unzipping, and then pulling the top band of the underwear OVER the front of your pants, you have a soft cotton barrier between your private bits and hair, and the metal barbs of the zipper.
I do not know why anyone would expose (ha ha) themselves to the risk of using the Y slit.
posted by TheFeatheredMullet at 10:09 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I never use it and have often wondered the same thing. I think the only time I used it as intended was on my wedding day when I didn't want to undo all my dumb tux junk just to take a piss.

But I've never been much of a formal attire guy so I don't wear a belt, I usually wear a tshirt and shorts/khakis and I simply unzip and pull the front of my underwear down. The twisty passages of a fly are way too hard to negotiate, not to mention leaving your bits so close to sharp zipper teeth if you leave everything buttoned up and belted.
posted by mathowie at 10:16 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

No, you will never be President because you are a girly-man.

Men piss, women pee, and children tinkle. It's onomatopoeia. Some guys, when discussing micturition with women think it creates more intimacy by adopting the term for a female act and applying it to males. Wrong. It just shows that the guy is a pussy (or wants to have one).

I'll keep that in mind the next time my girly-man doctor asks me to 'pee' in a cup. I will whip out my gigantic schlong and shake it at him and yell "I will piss in that cup, thank you." Then I will fill that little cup to overflowing right there and use the rest to mark the examination table so that no other man can use it.

If I feel the need, I will also piss on the tires of his BMW out in the parking lot to cow him into a beta-male role.
posted by unixrat at 10:27 AM on June 23, 2006 [58 favorites]

Wow. This has been an enlightening thread. I never knew there were so many possibilities!
posted by witchstone at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2006

From my experience with various fancy pants and underwear, the most important thing is to have a straight route from your bladder to the outside. Snaking around, over, or under can create kinks which can lead to the shilling sign. Shaking, squeezing, or slapping on a urinal doesn't alleviate problems caused by underlying kinks.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 10:32 AM on June 23, 2006

decani has it all backwards. Boxers provide the extra room real man need. Briefs are for those who need to accentuate what they have. Kinda like a wonderbra for little boys.
posted by terrapin at 10:35 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Get the underwear with the horizontal fly - makes life a lot easier.
posted by blag at 10:39 AM on June 23, 2006

The real reason that flap is there is so that is you get an erection, you are additionally distracted by your penis getting caught between the layers are snaking it's way free and pitching a tent.

It pays to advertise.
posted by plinth at 10:46 AM on June 23, 2006

Pants?
posted by solid-one-love at 11:00 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Gee, thanks Metafilter, for making me relive the single most mortifying conversation I've ever had with my mother.

Just to summarize a few points: Done correctly, every method is as efficient and hygienic as the rest. There is no pants around ankles, mmkay? You can't tell which one I'm doing unless you're staring at my package and we all know that that is the ultimate men's room faux pas. For a while I switched to whatever was most convenient according to the circumstances, but I think lately I tend to favor my patented pants-buttoned, zipper-down, but over-the-elastic method.

The elastic is held in place by testicular anatomy, so there's no snapping back. The elastic is just tight enough to stay in place but not so tight that it hurts or hinders. If this somehow offends, then I question once again, why the hell are you looking at my package?

I'm sure that preferred method depends a lot on both pants and underpants fit and style. I prefer boxers with the little button on the front, so that if I'm sitting in a doctor's waiting room, wandering around the house, or I once again find myself in yet another impromptu hot tubbing session full of hot chicks, there's no chance of unwanted peepee peek-a-boo. If you wear pants so loose that you need a belt, then you probably have trouble imagining that some guys can unbutton and unzip their pants without them immediately falling down.
posted by Skwirl at 11:00 AM on June 23, 2006

I use button-fly boxer-briefs. I hate the y front- it used to trap my unit about halfway though, sometimes even when I wasn't planning on taking it out.
posted by Four Flavors at 11:09 AM on June 23, 2006

I use the hole. I can't imagine having to do the up-and-over every time I pee. That's what the hole is for so why shouldn't I use it?
posted by DragonBoy at 11:18 AM on June 23, 2006

wow. that's all. just wow. I had no idea.
posted by bluesky43 at 11:32 AM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I asked this question of many of my male friends about a year ago. About 15 answered.

All but two were up-and-over.

Also, I found out last month one friend I have known since high school has in the past few years converted and wears thongs. Yes, a man, and he wears thongs. Under business clothes. Everyday.

I'm still shuddering from the sight.

Four Flavors: That's why I can't wear boxers... my little soldier tries to go AWOL.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:35 AM on June 23, 2006

I wonder if this is more controversial than the sit or stand while wiping your butt question?

THERE'S A SIT OR STAND WHILE WIPING YOUR BUTT QUESTION?
posted by ereshkigal45 at 11:50 AM on June 23, 2006 [5 favorites]

Pulling out the ol' lap-snorkel can also be used to emphasize a point or to intimidate. Lyndon Johnson used it, famously, to influence legislation. And I'm sure he pulled his through the flap, to minimize the risk of his pants falling down in front of some congressman.
posted by horsewithnoname at 11:51 AM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

Let me repeat this:

THERE'S A SIT OR STAND WHILE WIPING YOUR BUTT QUESTION?
posted by Atreides at 12:01 PM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Yeah, up-and-over guy here... never had to worry about holding the elastic down... either my elastic isn't nearly as tight as yours, or I have more... ballast... keeping it in place.
posted by hatsix at 12:03 PM on June 23, 2006

Whatever...

THERE'S A SIT OR STAND WHILE WIPING YOUR BUTT QUESTION?
posted by idest at 12:15 PM on June 23, 2006

Oh, my, the things I learn here...

My husband, who generally wears boxer briefs, slacks, a belt, and a tucked in shirt, tells me that he's an up-and-over guy. Unbuckle, unzip, pull briefs down, execute pelvic thrust, pee. Er, piss. No ass-baring necessary, and very little, if any, schlong-handling.

Also, you can apparently tell the difference between somebody who works in a lab and a theorist by whether he washes his hands first.

We are now discussing the sit-or-stand-while-wiping-your-ass question. They do say communication is key in a healthy relationship.
posted by moira at 12:18 PM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

I'm waiting desperately to hear a defense and description of the stand-and-wipe notion. I don't get it at all.
posted by cortex at 12:34 PM on June 23, 2006

Congratulations! This is the funniest stuff I've read in a long while. Nothing wrong with making you co-workers wonder why you're laughing out loud at work.

FWIW, I just took a leak and can you can add me to the list of unzip, and then its up and over the top of the tighty-whiteys.
posted by 543DoublePlay at 12:52 PM on June 23, 2006

"No matter how you wiggle, squirm or dance, the last three drops always end up in your pants!"

The way I recall this one scrawled on the "boys'" room wall at Plainfield High School, New Jersey is:

"No matter how hard you shake your peg, the last three drops go down your leg."

In any event there appears to be scientific agreement that the number of drops is three.
posted by beagle at 1:04 PM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

THERE'S A SIT OR STAND WHILE WIPING YOUR BUTT QUESTION?

Sorry, I didn't mean to incite a riot. I wasn't refering to an AskMe thread necessarily (though it would make a good one)--but just that the peeing question reminded me of the wiping question in general.

Please, someone ask the wiping question.
posted by mullacc at 1:16 PM on June 23, 2006

It's an extra layer, maybe it's there for "absorption"?
posted by splatta at 6:05 AM PST on June 23 [+fave] [!]

Eponysterical.
posted by gigawhat? at 1:40 PM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

I wasn't refering to an AskMe thread necessarily

I didn't think you were referring to a specific question. I was boggling that such a question would even exist. I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that there is anybody the planet who stands and wipes.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 1:47 PM on June 23, 2006

This is true. I actually use both methods. Because variety is the spice of life.

(Has everyone crafted their butt wipe answer yet?)
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:57 PM on June 23, 2006

I was boggling that such a question would even exist. I simply cannot wrap my head around the idea that there is anybody the planet who stands and wipes.

Well, I did until I noticed the lack of foot movement in the stalls next to me, which led me to question my methods.

Anyway, I think there are some unscientific survey results here (not sure because my company blocks the Poop Report--those assholes).
posted by mullacc at 2:00 PM on June 23, 2006

Four inches ? I have to pull down a whole 8 inches !

Why on earth do you pull your underwear up over your abs?

j/k
posted by disclaimer at 2:07 PM on June 23, 2006

I'm betting that there may be some correlation between technique and undergear type. Boxers with the staight slit lead to a higher percentage of slit users and the varieties with the Y opening leading to a higher percentage of up and over. Someone needs to do a study.
posted by Carbolic at 2:32 PM on June 23, 2006

Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I think I'm in love with unixrat.

I second third fourth n the "stand versus sit when you wipe" question, because, WHAT THE HOPPIN' JESUS, OVER.

But my real question is what the HELL is up with you non-hand-washers. I mean, that just ain't right.

I make it a point to identify every non-washer in this company, and I make damn sure I don't shake hands with them. And I'm bitter, too, because I haven't been able to go near any of the non-packaged food in the kitchen due to my utter conviction that one of them has been rooting around in it.

Wash your hands after touching your junk. This ain't kindergarten, circle time is over, and you do not need to share.

[/derail]
posted by scrump at 2:37 PM on June 23, 2006 [3 favorites]

The junk is one of the cleanest parts of the body, whereas the hands are the dirtiest. It's more like "Why don't people wash their junk after they get their filthy hands all over it?"
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 4:06 PM on June 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

scrump - Come on! The fact that your hands touch all sorts of nasty stuff during the course of a day (keyboards especially), and your penis really doesn't... I'm of the opinion that you should wash your hands BEFORE you take a piss.

Assuming you showered in the morning, the penis should be the cleanest part of your body! ;)

*Note: I really am mostly joking... I think I stole this from a Seinfeld skit... and I always wash my hands by the way. Before or after? I'll leave it up to the reader to guess. ;)
posted by RockBandit at 4:13 PM on June 23, 2006

I already used my question this week :-( Otherwise I would as the stand/sit wipe question...

I'm a stander, and from what it sounds like, I'm the minority...
(It's how I was raised... I don't understand how it's technically possible to sit on the toilet AND wipe at the same time... And for those who don't understand how to wipe when standing up, how do you wipe when you're out camping... REAL camping with no outhouses)
posted by hatsix at 4:40 PM on June 23, 2006

holy shit!
posted by beerbajay at 4:55 PM on June 23, 2006

This might be a derail but I can offer an answer as to why someone may stand to wipe.

1) Relatively small toilet seat combined with large thighs - There is just not enough room to insert an arm bearing toilet paper down there without making firm contact with multiple surfaces. No one like anything smeared up their arm...

2)Standing up and bending over allows for a shorter route to the goal. For those of us with relatively long torso's, short arms, or large stomachs reach can be an issue. Standing can allow for the security of knowing you have thoroughly wiped.

The only negative I can possibly see to this method is the dreaded ass-to-pants drip scenario.

I apologize if any of you were eating.

To lessen the derail nature, let me just add that I was an up-and-over guy when I wore traditional boxers (ages 10-15). Before that I was a typical tighty whitey kid and have no recollection of my pissing technique.

Since then, I am a boxer-brief fanatic. As long as the zig zag passage through the flap isn't exaggerated, it really isn't a problem to get it out quickly, go hands free for the job at hand, shake, and tuck back in swiftly. A quick tug on the front can guarantee there is no zipperable anatomy in the danger zone.
posted by utsutsu at 5:33 PM on June 23, 2006

mullacc writes "Anyway, I think there are some unscientific survey results here (not sure because my company blocks the Poop Report--those assholes)."


Whoops--I fucked up that link. Here it is.
posted by mullacc at 6:03 PM on June 23, 2006

We need to define some terms, here. I sit and wipe, but that doesn't mean my weight is resting on the toilet seat—I lean forward and lift my ass an inch or two for clearance, say.

I have to admit I hear "stand and wipe" and think of someone just standing up completely. Do you standers do so, or is it more of a standing crouch, or what?
posted by cortex at 6:05 PM on June 23, 2006

The German signs, mentioned some 800 comments back, advise men to sit rather than stand when they piss.

The reason, though, is that German toilets have a sort of ledge right in the middle of the bowl, for reasons that have been pondered elsewhere. Standers are sprayers in those loos.
posted by megatherium at 6:43 PM on June 23, 2006

Using it right now.
posted by andywolf at 6:53 PM on June 23, 2006

I had no idea anyone sat and wiped. Seriously.
posted by jikel_morten at 7:32 PM on June 23, 2006

The reason, though, is that German toilets have a sort of ledge right in the middle of the bowl, for reasons that have been pondered elsewhere. Standers are sprayers in those loos.
posted by megatherium

I'd still stand. Sitting in public is for emergencies only, in my book.
posted by jikel_morten at 7:34 PM on June 23, 2006

I have to admit I hear "stand and wipe" and think of someone just standing up completely. Do you standers do so, or is it more of a standing crouch, or what?

I'm a sitter myself and my first/only experience with someone standing is through a prank we pulled on a friend.

Three of us in the living room, him in the bathroom. He was taking forever to go to bathroom and we wanted to leave to go out that evening.

So we grabbed a digital camera and a giant glass of water. The goal was to throw open the door, spray the water and take a picture.

Of course we happened to open the door right as he was finished. He was completely standing up in mid-wipe and sort of leaning forward. We were so taken back and shocked that there was no water throwing (we do have a picture laying around on a friend's camera that is HILARIOUS).

That was the first time that myself or those 2 friends had ever heard of someone standing up to wipe. Of course that was the first time my other friend had ever heard about people sitting down to wipe.
posted by RockBandit at 8:28 PM on June 23, 2006

Scrump:

"At Harvard we wash our hands after we pee"

"Oh yeah? Well at Yale we don't pee on our hands."
posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:30 PM on June 23, 2006

furthermore, your hands are filthier than yr dick, so you should actually wash your dick after you pee, if yr being all germphobic.

but germphobia's why we're all so wimpy these days. I try to drink a tall germ smoothy daily just to keep myself strong.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:32 PM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

my my my...I'm getting quite an education in this thread!
posted by bim at 8:41 PM on June 23, 2006

Why the flap? Because sometimes your balls get cold, and scarves tend to fall off.
posted by Coda at 9:07 PM on June 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm a lifelong flap user (though I often pee sitting down). It wasn't until I was in college in the mid-70s that I ever saw anyone older than early grade-school age undoing their belts and opening their pants to use a urinal.
posted by lhauser at 11:05 PM on June 23, 2006

I think I've actually offered this here before, but:

a) My underwear are all the designer briefs that don't have a flap, so yeah, pulldown. (Why the banana hammocks? Terrapin's got it.)

b) I don't wipe at all. Toilet paper is disgusting and unhygenic. To a lesser extent, so are bidets (though they are certainly better). I do my business regularly once, and only once, a day in the morningtime before my shower. Then I get in the shower and wash thoroughly with soap and water. It seems obvious to me that this cleanest method known to man, and in the speak of tampon commercials, I can feel fresh throughout the day.

I'm not sure if this is metrosexual or Jack Nicholson in As Good As it Gets. It's something anyway.
posted by dgaicun at 12:43 AM on June 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

c) Also, (to balance that out) I don't wipe after urination (that's what the underwear is for), and I don't wash my hands after urination. I would be shocked, shocked to find that touching my penis puts more (or any) germs on my hands than turning off the sink handle and touching the paper towel handle or dryer button after washing in a public restroom.

I don't touch the bathroom door in a public restroom to leave. I either use my foot or a paper towel (if I can get one by not touching anything else) to touch the handle. If there's no waste basket by the door, I throw the paper on the floor.

My germ-avoiding behavior is meticulous, but I only get sick once every three years or so.
posted by dgaicun at 1:11 AM on June 24, 2006

For the record, its not a full stand, but there's no weight on the toilet seat either... the only thing I can think of to compare it to is a linebacker in (american) football... I'm not crouched down, not standing up...
posted by hatsix at 2:06 AM on June 24, 2006

I would like someone who feels they fall into the "sit and wipe" category to describe it. I don't feel that I stand in the same way that I stand, say, at the bus stop. But at the same time, I'm as confused as hatsix. What are the logistics behind staying seated and wiping at the same time? Do you just lean to the side and squeeze your hand in down there?
posted by Plutor at 3:30 AM on June 24, 2006

Sitter, approach from the rear.
posted by cortex at 7:06 AM on June 24, 2006

I'm assuming this is an equal opportunity question now, so:

Sitter, approach from behind, always wiping FRONT TO BACK.

Okay, maybe sometimes I lean forward or in one direction or the other, but I am firmly in the sitting camp.
posted by idest at 7:49 AM on June 24, 2006

I can't believe I'm going to write this, but...

Sitting: lean forward a little and to the left, rotate hips to the left for some extra angle, approach from behind on the right. My weight is on the toilet bowl, not on my feet at all.

Standing: stand up completely, feet shoulder-width apart, bend knees slightly, obviously approach from behind.

Once I started to sit, I never went back--it's much more efficient.
posted by mullacc at 8:48 AM on June 24, 2006

I had a friend who said he always sat to pee. I figured he just had gender issues.
posted by bukharin at 12:10 PM on June 24, 2006

Wow. This has been an enlightening thread. I never knew there were so many possibilities!

And so far, nobody has even mentioned going through the leghole, or what you do when you go commando.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:34 PM on June 24, 2006

My friend, while cycling, pees out his leghole.
posted by beerbajay at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2006

Peeing: over the top, under the belt if I'm wearing one.

I'm waiting desperately to hear a defense and description of the stand-and-wipe notion. I don't get it at all.

As mentioned by someone else, not all of us have enough room on the throne to comfortably wipe while sitting.

Even when I'm at my ideal body weight, or especially then, my thighs/quads are bigger around than my waist. They used to be like 44-50 inches around, each. Baby got back, son. I used to bike and skateboard halfpipes a whole hell of a lot. Hell, my calves are/were bigger around than many people's waists.

There's certainly no room to approach the problem from the front, either, as I've seen GFs do, somehow pushing backwards or whatever.

Also, standing frees up a hand to lift one cheek for cleaner, more efficient wiping.

Frankly, the entire idea of remaining seated or squatted on or above the toilet appalls me and is alien and as foreign to me as the idea of trying to stand on the seat and going squat-style*. You really want to go sticking your hand down in or around the toilet? What if you're using a paper buttgasket? It just sounds like asking for trouble, disaster, or at the least extra germs.

*Squatting is really how we're designed to go, anyway. I saw a few studies how prostate cancer might be related to our Western, "unnatural" John Crapper style of sitting horizontally on the throne, possibly combined with the issues of rubbing dioxin-bleached wood pulp on your backside. I've met more than one granola-crunching, yoga-stretching hippy with cinderblocks in front of or on either side of the throne to faciliate a more "natural" squatting position. Having used them, I can say it's quite comfortable and effective.

This entire thread stands as proof and a monument to the axiom that the longer a conversation continues, the more likely it will be that poop will be discussed.
posted by loquacious at 2:35 PM on June 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

My friend, while cycling, pees out his leghole.

All racers learn to do this, and it's consider a rite of passage. I often drive support vehicles for races and at least a couple times per race I see a pair at the back -- one guy pushing another with his hand on the butt of the one who's peeing off the bike. It's not practical to stop on a 100km+ race because that would mean struggling to rejoin the peleton without the help of a paceline.
posted by randomstriker at 3:36 PM on June 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Squatting is really how we're designed to go, anyway.

I was forced to squat regularly when living for a year in India. That gave me hemmarroids which, five years later, are still with me.
posted by randomstriker at 3:39 PM on June 24, 2006

Oh yeah, and triathletes generally just pee in their pants. Even more cannon fodder in the culture wars between competitive cyclists and triathletes.
posted by randomstriker at 3:42 PM on June 24, 2006

Anyone who undoes their belt to pee is a knave.

I use both the pouch door and the over the top method, and have used the through the leg method on several non-consecutive occasions, usually when wearing nothing else and feeling pendulous.
posted by furtive at 4:49 PM on June 24, 2006

On the subject of squatting, I did it all the time while in Thailand and Laos, and must admit that it cuts down on the lollygagging. The lack of toilet paper on the other hand....

(pun intended?)
posted by furtive at 4:53 PM on June 24, 2006

This entire thread stands as proof and a monument to the axiom that the longer a conversation continues, the more likely it will be that poop will be discussed.

And this is known colloquially as "droppin' a godwin"
posted by cortex at 8:47 PM on June 24, 2006 [4 favorites]

Sitter, approach from behind, always wiping FRONT TO BACK.
Only girls need to worry about wiping from front to back. Us boys men don't have enough holes to need to worry about any such nonsense.
posted by dg at 12:33 AM on June 25, 2006

Anyone who undoes their belt to pee is a knave.

Agreed. A something, anyway. I'm wondering if those that undo their belts are like the standing-wipers. I can't imagine ever doing either, but -- I'm not a fat person. Being huge means doing some things differently. You know how we occassionally wonder how the really large wipe themselves? Perhaps this is an answer -- standing up makes access possible.
posted by Rash at 9:27 AM on June 25, 2006

You people are really all so awesome.

I don't know remember who ever taught me how to wipe (my parents and I have never got around to discussing it) but all my life I've stood. By the time I reached 18 I realized somehow that most of the world's population sat and wiped. Until today, I have been wracked with guilt over this issue. What the hell is wrong with me, I don't even understand the mechanics of sitting and wiping? I have lived my life in fear that someday someone will catch me standing mid-wipe and they'll see what a fool I am.

Now, I realize that everyone has their own unique wiping technique and, you know, everything is going to be OK.

*group hug*
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:30 AM on June 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Having gone through the gamut of briefs, boxers, b/bs, and commando: Over the top. A friend and I serindipitously started discussing this at a ballgame with another pal, who was amazed that there was anyone who didn't use the flap. My other pal boldly declared that anyone who pissed through the flap was gay. I don't know if I'd go that far, but they're probably communists at least.

As for wiping, since you all asked, standing. I can't reach while sitting, and I'm gonna stand anyway, so why not?

Though really, this is all an excuse to talk about the co-worker who told me (since my office was right next to the bathroom) that he couldn't sit on the toilet anymore since his "when you get old, your balls droop, and mine are touchin' the water." Please let it be part of the record that I'd never asked about his balls ever, yet he wanted to share. And now, I share with you: My coworker Dan has droopy balls.
posted by klangklangston at 12:25 PM on June 25, 2006

when you get old, your balls droop, and mine are touchin' the water

So that's why only the good die young.

Yech. Blech.

Also, stand-and-wipe 4 life. In my circle of family and friends, the breakdown is purely along gender lines: men stand-and-wipe, and women sit-and-wipe. In fact, I find it a bit surprising any guys are sit-and-wipers. You have some things in the way (see above) and it just seems so... dainty.

I also have no fucking idea how in the world to use a bidet. I know WHAT it does, but I don't know HOW to do it.

Finally, I do not wash my hands just because I touched my penis. That would be like washing my hands every time I touched my face or after I touched my arm. I do wash every time after going #2.

I am, however, an obsessed hand washer during flu season.
posted by Ynoxas at 2:16 PM on June 25, 2006

In fact, I find it a bit surprising any guys are sit-and-wipers. You have some things in the way (see above)

Wipe from the back. Matter of clearance, apparently—I wouldn't be a sitter if it posed any problems, be assured.

and it just seems so... dainty.

You seem to have misspelled "lazy". Another ten seconds of sitting-and-wiping is another ten seconds I don't have to spend on my feet.

Now, to hijack: where did this beer belly come from?
posted by cortex at 2:25 PM on June 25, 2006

Question: cortex : "where did this beer belly come from?"

Answer: cortex : "Another ten seconds of sitting-and-wiping is another ten seconds I don't have to spend on my feet."

Those ten seconds add up!
posted by Bugbread at 4:34 PM on June 25, 2006

that was the whole joke goddammit
posted by cortex at 5:01 PM on June 25, 2006

Ah...whoops.
posted by Bugbread at 11:32 AM on June 26, 2006

it's okay, baby. I still love you.
posted by cortex at 11:45 AM on June 26, 2006 [2 favorites]

Just wanted to add that most of this thread has already been touched (errr) right here.
Most enlightening.
posted by XiBe at 12:01 PM on June 26, 2006

Sitter, approach from behind, always wiping FRONT TO BACK. - idest

Only girls need to worry about wiping from front to back. Us boys men don't have enough holes to need to worry about any such nonsense. - dg

Unless you're going to father a girl, of course.
posted by raedyn at 3:04 PM on June 26, 2006

We flap users can drink a beer and Whiz at the same time. (and possibly have a hand leftover to hold the wall) That's all the benefit I need.


As for why you wash after touching John Thomas, he is one taint and two testes away from your disgusting E.Choli spewing rectum. If I catch anybody I know not washing there hands I mock them as the savage they are. (drinking obviates the need for this because alcohol kill bacteria anyway)
posted by Megafly at 4:47 PM on June 26, 2006

We flap users can drink a beer and Whiz at the same time. (and possibly have a hand leftover to hold the wall) That's all the benefit I need.

I assure you, we upandoverers can manage the beer too.
posted by cortex at 4:47 PM on June 26, 2006

Megafly : "As for why you wash after touching John Thomas, he is one taint and two testes away from your disgusting E.Choli spewing rectum."

Well, my mouth is one septum away from a nose full of snot, but I wouldn't equate kissing my wife with blowing my nose in her mouth.
posted by Bugbread at 5:17 PM on June 26, 2006 [1 favorite]

When I piss and I've been going commando, I lift up the front of the kilt and do my business.

When wearing briefs, I generally do not wear Y fronts. I wear the bikini types, where you don't get a choice about a maze of twisty passages all a like, so it's moot.
posted by kalessin at 6:55 PM on June 26, 2006

Let me throw the last unasked question out there:
Fold or crumple?
posted by bashos_frog at 7:25 PM on June 26, 2006

Well, my mouth is one septum away from a nose full of snot, but I wouldn't equate kissing my wife with blowing my nose in her mouth.
posted by bugbread at 7:17 PM CST on June 26 [+fave] [!]

Then you're obviously not doing it right.

Let me throw the last unasked question out there:
Fold or crumple?
posted by bashos_frog at 9:25 PM CST on June 26 [+fave] [!]

Crumple, otherwise known as "wad".

Those who take time to fold their TP need to take a serious inventory of their lives and motivations.
posted by Ynoxas at 8:35 PM on June 26, 2006

kalessin writes "When I piss and I've been going commando, I lift up the front of the kilt and do my business."

And so kalessin answers the eternal question.
posted by Mitheral at 9:01 PM on June 26, 2006

Yarg. Fold! You not only maximize the amount of toilet paper you use, it seems to me a far better means to make sure there's no accidental contact!
posted by Atreides at 5:30 AM on June 27, 2006

This is the most educational and weirdly touching thread I've ever read on MeFi or AskMe or in fact anywhere on the Internet, ever. Thanks guys.
posted by waxbanks at 7:51 AM on June 27, 2006

up-and-over, light rinse
sit, front-to-back, soap and water
fold
posted by sharpener at 1:27 PM on June 27, 2006

Correct urinal protocol:

First, lower all undergarments to ankle level. (Standing on tiptoes will elevate trousers safely above the dank puddle of stale urine)

Second, hoist shirt and all other upper garments to armpit level and secure under chin.

Third, unfurl and liberate your soul.
posted by verisimilitude at 3:29 PM on June 27, 2006 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter:This is the most weirdly touching thread.

Oh, and Definitely a folder... I go for a certain thickness, which means that at some cheap-o bathrooms with 1 ply sandpaper TP I fold it back onto itself quite a few times.... I've recently discovered that if I offset the top of my last fold, I get 2X the coverage, which means a guarantee of absolutely no shit on my hands (FWIW, this came during that wonderful contemplation time where you're waiting for the next big turd to get locked and loaded... not because I kept getting shit on my hands, honest)

Up and over
Stand, slight twist to body for better access
Fold
Front-to-Back
Always wash (holdover from working at a hospital, before then it was "Wash if I had to piss so bad that it splattered back on my hands")
posted by hatsix at 11:23 PM on June 27, 2006

Did we already address whether to have the tp go over the top of the roll or underneath in the dispenser?

triple fold tp, (I wish they just made four-ply or six-ply with the perfs 6" apart). Wipe while crouched (halfway between sit and stand). Pee standing up, unless I really, really have to go #2 first. When I wore briefs, I was over the elastic and through the fly, until my dick got long enough to pee out the ankle hole of my pants. Just kidding.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:12 AM on July 1, 2006

I wonder if this is more controversial than the sit or stand while wiping your butt question?

People *stand* ??
posted by mecran01 at 3:03 PM on July 1, 2006

SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST
posted by cortex at 3:17 PM on July 1, 2006

This thread is amazing.

For those of you complaining about the occasional dribble here or there that always seems unavoidable: A conversation similar to this thread came up sometime last year in a group of my friends. One of my friends admitted that he found the occasional leftover drops annoying and that he had discovered that if one merely applies pressure to the perineum (the "taint", as it were) that it will push out any remaining urine. It looks like you're grabbing and adjusting all kinds of things down there, but it works. And you can just push through the fabric of your pants, there's no need to jam a hand all the way down your underwear.

It works so well that my friends and I have since renamed this the "Alexander Manuever". Seriously. It can change lives.

Dear lord I can't believe I'm saying this in a public forum. What's gotten in to all of us?
posted by ztdavis at 12:31 AM on July 2, 2006

hoo...nice thread! my $.02:

- fly hole w/ boxer briefs
- stand and wipe

my questions:

1. when you sit and pee (which i should do, especially when drunk, but typically only occurs during dumping), do you ever worry about the tip of your unit hitting the front of the bowl?

2. if i'm reading this right, some of you sit and wipe from the front(!)... aren't you worried about touching your sack w/ the dirty tp at the end of your wipe? ugg..

3. for you sit + wipers: do you look at your handiwork or flush before you get up? isn't that some freudian thing? maybe that is the big difference between sitters and standers ;-)

4. those of you arguing against washing your hands (ha!)... what about splashback from the urinal? urine-mist all over your hands...

5. regarding splashback: how do you minimize it? aim for the cake? aim for the deepest part? start a pre-flush?

6. and last, (and this is bit of a hijack), do any of you ever get stagefright/pee-shy? (ala, you can't pee when there is a line of dudes behind you.) any tricks to beat it? (mine is to stare that the wall and start doing squares w/ the tiles. 2^2 = 4, 3^2 = 9, etc... sometimes it works)
posted by cgs at 9:01 PM on July 2, 2006

hahaha i lost the place where someone said they take a shower instead of wiping their ass-- but thats HILARIOUS! and sad.
posted by petsounds at 11:56 AM on July 3, 2006

I think I'm one of the most neurotic public bathroom users ever. Some of my issues:

1) Toilet Paper dispensers that don't allow the paper to flow freely. This is one of the worst things. When you pull on the paper and it keeps ripping right away. Who can deal with this?

2) People who pee in stalls when there are available urinals are bad enough, but the ones that don't even attempt to pick up the seat really piss me off.
posted by whobynumbers at 9:41 PM on July 9, 2006 [1 favorite]

How do people wear boxers? Don't you get some pee dripping down your legs when you're done? No matter how much I shake, there's always a little that's gonna come out at the end. Especially when I've been drinking.

Also, how do you people deal with peeing in stadiums where you are right next to two people and you know it's not gonna start out going completely straight?
posted by whobynumbers at 9:44 PM on July 9, 2006

I can't be bothered checking every user profile to check nationality, but I think I'm safe in saying that if you, aged 6 and above, unbuckled, opened the front of your trousers and hoisted your cock over the waistband of your undergarments at a urinal in the UK, everyone in the room would assume you were mentally retarded.

For the record: I wear boxers (white, 100% cotton, a new set purchased every year) with the straight slit at the front , and, not being a child, I utilise it. When drunk or very tired, I have been known to piss sitting down, though still deploy a guiding hand in this case, as dipping one's member in the cold water is unpleasant. I wipe my arse sitting down (of course!), accessing said arse from the rear, folding the paper once, perhaps twice. In France, I have utilised the bidet and found it a refreshing, if unusual, experience.

Finally, I think someone should write a Greasemonkey script to highlight the comments of all standing-wipe users, so that we may shun them as savages.
posted by jack_mo at 3:14 PM on July 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Wow. Well, here goes...

Boxer-briefs, no slit/hole, prefer for support and comfort.

No. 1: Undo belt, unzip, up-and-over, trousers don't budge, avoids the dreaded zipper teeth, light rinse. Exception: may sit to piss in certain circumstances (middle of night, very tired, etc.).

No. 2: Sit, shift weight forward and to the left, approach from rear with right hand, front-to-back, soap and water. Fold, usually 4 or 5 squares. Tissue roll feeds over the top.
posted by darkstar at 2:48 PM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Briefs, unzip, over the top. Why unbuckle/unbutton? Bizarre.

And as to the ancillary inquiry, I sit and wipe. From the front. BACK TO FRONT.

OH no!

Here's the trick: I grab my junk in my non-dominant hand and pull it all up and to the side -- out of the way. This leaves plenty of room for maneuvering.

I wadded up the toilet paper until I was about 8-10 years old. Now I fold, wipe, and fold again. What is this heresy? It's called efficiency. I usually abstain from reuse on the first go-around as that initial wipe is also the messiest.

Note: I only poop in public restrooms in the most extreme of emergencies. I also practice excessive germ paranoia in public restrooms. I do my best to avoid touching anything directly with my hands. That means if necessary, I lift the toilet seat with my foot. Same for flushing. In the absence of paper towels or soap I don't wash my hands, using my shirt to avoid touching the door knob on my way out (or my foot if I can just push the door). If the paper towel dispenser requires touching a handle to get the paper towels, I prep a fresh one before washing my hands with soap. First paper towel is used to turn off the sink and retrieve the second paper towel, which is used to dry my hands and secure the third. This last paper towel is used to finish drying my hands and to open the door. No wastebasket by the door = try my best to throw my trash into the nearest trashcan. I almost always miss. Too bad.

I blame my mother.
posted by polyhedron at 2:22 AM on August 1, 2006

Why is everybody mad about the flaps?
posted by 31d1 at 6:06 PM on August 3, 2006