Adapting to family loss of holiday joy and traditions
December 13, 2024 11:27 AM
I am interested in hearing how people have adapted or coped with the loss of holiday joy and traditions due to loss and change.
Over the last several years we have had significant family losses that have all but wiped out our Christmas traditions and spirit. We are a small family to begin with, and we can't seem to get back in to it. We were never big on gifts, the focus was on getting together, going to church, having a good meal, and playing cards. We'd talk to friends and family out of town and pass the phone around all day. The house was loud and warm. It's so quiet now. Basically five of us now gather to eat and exchange thoughtless cash/gift cards. No one wants to cook and the last few years have been a few frozen store bought dishes. I have offered to make some of our traditional items and was told they rather just do the frozen so we don't have to clean dishes/the kitchen. I live across the country and can't host.
Last year I made a fire in the fireplace but no one wanted to sit by it or play cards. It feels sad. No one is particularly old or infirm. At this point, I would rather just go to church then ignore the holiday altogether because it depresses me but folks still want to do this. I love my family so much and I know that things change.I do enjoy our overall holiday visit, it's just Christmas day that bums me out.
I would like to hear from others who have navigated something similar as I imagine many people have. How do you avoid feeling sad with a holiday when it is a shell of it's former self? Does it just naturally feel better over time? Things have been like this for us for about 6 years now (pandemic years aside). I have a lot of gratitude for all that we have, and am glad that we can still gather. I do have holiday traditions with friends before I travel home to family. I just wish the day didn't feel so sad.
Over the last several years we have had significant family losses that have all but wiped out our Christmas traditions and spirit. We are a small family to begin with, and we can't seem to get back in to it. We were never big on gifts, the focus was on getting together, going to church, having a good meal, and playing cards. We'd talk to friends and family out of town and pass the phone around all day. The house was loud and warm. It's so quiet now. Basically five of us now gather to eat and exchange thoughtless cash/gift cards. No one wants to cook and the last few years have been a few frozen store bought dishes. I have offered to make some of our traditional items and was told they rather just do the frozen so we don't have to clean dishes/the kitchen. I live across the country and can't host.
Last year I made a fire in the fireplace but no one wanted to sit by it or play cards. It feels sad. No one is particularly old or infirm. At this point, I would rather just go to church then ignore the holiday altogether because it depresses me but folks still want to do this. I love my family so much and I know that things change.I do enjoy our overall holiday visit, it's just Christmas day that bums me out.
I would like to hear from others who have navigated something similar as I imagine many people have. How do you avoid feeling sad with a holiday when it is a shell of it's former self? Does it just naturally feel better over time? Things have been like this for us for about 6 years now (pandemic years aside). I have a lot of gratitude for all that we have, and am glad that we can still gather. I do have holiday traditions with friends before I travel home to family. I just wish the day didn't feel so sad.
Oh wow! I posted a super similar question some years back. The advice I got back then was very active (celebrate in summer! Do a lot of solo caroling and snowshoeing!) but I also got some advice about how you can't just force an instant tradition; you gotta try a bunch of stuff for a while and see what ends up sticking. I made up my mind to just be open; to do whatever occurred to me and not be stuck on trying to Do What We Always Did.
And then we had a pandemic and my long-term relationship split up and my mom had an alcoholic collapse and everything just got much, much worse and sadder for awhile than just "folks aren't into it the way I am." There was nothing to do but just be kind of sad. For a while. There was a lot of change afoot and a lot of loss, and for at least 4 years Christmas really became something to kind of slog through. The family stopped getting together entirely--local, out of town, immediate, extended.
But I kept doing whatever it occurred to me to do. I did huge bakes even in the pandemic winters when I only saw my family in the freezing courtyard of my building. I decorated the shit out of a tree every time. I wrote elaborate cards. By hand! My partner introduced me to some of his traditions, which are a delight.
Last year things finally started settling down and settling into their new shapes. And my family was ready again. We had a freaking blast last year; it was almost as magical as when we were kids, but better because now I have money, lol. And now this year will be hard again, but the new groundwork is there, and I have faith that people will be able to gather and rejoice despite it.
All this to say, your family sounds like they are tired and grieving, and rightly so. If you're the one who's not tired, then maybe this is your time to do whatever it occurs to you to do, and see what happens. Build the fire because you want it, make the foods because you want to (and do all the cleaning, natch). And whatever other cockeyed idea comes up, go do that too. And when your family is ready, they'll be ready.
I'm sorry you're in this season! It's so, so hard for us Christmas folk. So good luck, and Merry Christmas.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:20 PM on December 13
And then we had a pandemic and my long-term relationship split up and my mom had an alcoholic collapse and everything just got much, much worse and sadder for awhile than just "folks aren't into it the way I am." There was nothing to do but just be kind of sad. For a while. There was a lot of change afoot and a lot of loss, and for at least 4 years Christmas really became something to kind of slog through. The family stopped getting together entirely--local, out of town, immediate, extended.
But I kept doing whatever it occurred to me to do. I did huge bakes even in the pandemic winters when I only saw my family in the freezing courtyard of my building. I decorated the shit out of a tree every time. I wrote elaborate cards. By hand! My partner introduced me to some of his traditions, which are a delight.
Last year things finally started settling down and settling into their new shapes. And my family was ready again. We had a freaking blast last year; it was almost as magical as when we were kids, but better because now I have money, lol. And now this year will be hard again, but the new groundwork is there, and I have faith that people will be able to gather and rejoice despite it.
All this to say, your family sounds like they are tired and grieving, and rightly so. If you're the one who's not tired, then maybe this is your time to do whatever it occurs to you to do, and see what happens. Build the fire because you want it, make the foods because you want to (and do all the cleaning, natch). And whatever other cockeyed idea comes up, go do that too. And when your family is ready, they'll be ready.
I'm sorry you're in this season! It's so, so hard for us Christmas folk. So good luck, and Merry Christmas.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:20 PM on December 13
Since you mention you attend a church, I wonder if there would be a family there new to the area or maybe even newly emigrated that would like to be included and meet others. Especially ones with little ones if you enjoy having them around. I would think the pastor/preacher/community outreach person would be able to help set it up. Helping others always makes me feel better and giving someone else a fun holiday would enhance yours. More people, more noise, fun gifts, new friends, maybe new traditions.
posted by maxg94 at 12:20 PM on December 13
posted by maxg94 at 12:20 PM on December 13
I was going to say it takes some time for family transitions, but if it's been 6 years your concern is warranted.
If I got the impression said family members were depressed and needed my support I might still make the effort of traveling home for the holidays and faking it until you collectively make it. We have a non-christmas holiday in my culture and the first few years after some big losses were hard and kind of depressing. However, us next gen cousins kept showing up, adapted some traditions (we now eat grilled salmon instead of weird fish) and made some new ones (we have a big bonfire).
But if they're just not into the same kind of holiday you are, I'd plan a visit a different time of year and find a friend or found family to celebrate Christmas itself with. I had this phase, but now I celebrate Christmas on my own terms and it's taken the pressure off and improved my enjoyment. It's not quite as busy as it used to be (it's now a boisterous Christmas eve cookie exchange with friends and a quiet self-care focus day of) but I enjoy it more for letting it be what it is.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 12:36 PM on December 13
If I got the impression said family members were depressed and needed my support I might still make the effort of traveling home for the holidays and faking it until you collectively make it. We have a non-christmas holiday in my culture and the first few years after some big losses were hard and kind of depressing. However, us next gen cousins kept showing up, adapted some traditions (we now eat grilled salmon instead of weird fish) and made some new ones (we have a big bonfire).
But if they're just not into the same kind of holiday you are, I'd plan a visit a different time of year and find a friend or found family to celebrate Christmas itself with. I had this phase, but now I celebrate Christmas on my own terms and it's taken the pressure off and improved my enjoyment. It's not quite as busy as it used to be (it's now a boisterous Christmas eve cookie exchange with friends and a quiet self-care focus day of) but I enjoy it more for letting it be what it is.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 12:36 PM on December 13
Oof, I feel this so much. We lost my mom seven years ago, then came separation/divorce from my spouse, the pandemic, then we moved my dad out of "the big house" and into assisted living. Basically, many of the main pillars that made up our amazing holidays were just gone within a few years. I really relate to what you're saying here.
My family is also extremely small, and my only sibling doesn't plan to travel to us for any further holidays. Fortunately, my dad is nearby, although can't really do meals at my house. I would LOVE to host a friendsgiving, but the reality is that most of my friends already do their own family thing or are otherwise attached to other gatherings. I had plans of making the same large meals that my mom used to make (with help, not all by myself) and so even though my place is small, we'd just get some folding tables and make it work – and we did do that, a couple times.
But now it is increasingly clear that I have to change my own ideas about what will be meaningful during the holidays. We've started some new traditions with my (new-ish) partner and their kid, which is really great. But letting go of past joy, especially traditions, has been very hard for me, sometimes in ways I'm not aware of until I'm fully in the situation or it's already past – then wonder why I'm depressed for a week. Someday when I have even less family obligations, I hope to head somewhere completely different for a holiday, like be on a lovely Mexican beach and eat fish tacos for Christmas. I think sometimes leaning in to a *completely* new thing is a good way to go.
In addition to seconding what praemunire said above, some suggestions: maybe see if people would be up for a secret Santa kind of thing, so it's not all just gift cards/cash? Or some other thing that encourages physical gifts? Or maybe plan a dinner someplace open on Christmas, or go see a movie? Something that feels purposely different, but also feels like it marks the occasion. In any case, you are definitely not alone.
posted by Molasses808 at 12:46 PM on December 13
My family is also extremely small, and my only sibling doesn't plan to travel to us for any further holidays. Fortunately, my dad is nearby, although can't really do meals at my house. I would LOVE to host a friendsgiving, but the reality is that most of my friends already do their own family thing or are otherwise attached to other gatherings. I had plans of making the same large meals that my mom used to make (with help, not all by myself) and so even though my place is small, we'd just get some folding tables and make it work – and we did do that, a couple times.
But now it is increasingly clear that I have to change my own ideas about what will be meaningful during the holidays. We've started some new traditions with my (new-ish) partner and their kid, which is really great. But letting go of past joy, especially traditions, has been very hard for me, sometimes in ways I'm not aware of until I'm fully in the situation or it's already past – then wonder why I'm depressed for a week. Someday when I have even less family obligations, I hope to head somewhere completely different for a holiday, like be on a lovely Mexican beach and eat fish tacos for Christmas. I think sometimes leaning in to a *completely* new thing is a good way to go.
In addition to seconding what praemunire said above, some suggestions: maybe see if people would be up for a secret Santa kind of thing, so it's not all just gift cards/cash? Or some other thing that encourages physical gifts? Or maybe plan a dinner someplace open on Christmas, or go see a movie? Something that feels purposely different, but also feels like it marks the occasion. In any case, you are definitely not alone.
posted by Molasses808 at 12:46 PM on December 13
How do you avoid feeling sad with a holiday when it is a shell of it's former self? Does it just naturally feel better over time? Things have been like this for us for about 6 years now (pandemic years aside). I have a lot of gratitude for all that we have, and am glad that we can still gather. I do have holiday traditions with friends before I travel home to family. I just wish the day didn't feel so sad.
This might be one of those over-active suggestions but the years that I found I could not celebrate Christmas for various reasons, my husband and I volunteered for the Xmas Day Meals on Wheels delivery, which was a special one as anyone could nominate someone or request one.
Nothing will make you more grateful than taking meals to those who don't have a meal or a family at all. This is not at all poking at your loss; it's a true one. It just completely changed my relationship to Christmas forever.
Some closer-to-home suggestions are:
- honestly I would just arrive with groceries (or get them delivered) and make the classics, or if it's in the budget, order in a full meal from a local store/restaurant (here the gourmet grocery stores will cater your Xmas for about $130 for 5 people) and do the washing-up. Seek forgiveness and not permission. (Next AskMe: My relative just barged in and cooked...)
- At my house we actually have a Boxing Day tradition that sounds like your Christmas - we ONLY eat things that come in boxes (cereal, frozen stuff) on that day. So maybe if you trade it around even the frozen stuff will sound festive?
- If changing days around helps, we also do a réveillon dinner. We do not have 13 desserts. We have tourtière, bûche de Noël and carrots. Sometimes tater tots, so much for authenticity.
- Ask your family in advance if they would form a new tradition with you. I think it's fine to share how lonely you felt last year. It might not be cards - it could be roasting marshmallows in the fire or listening to a story (ours is The Gift of the Magi) or reading out loud to each other.
- If you are sure your family isn't willing to enter into this tradition with you, can you arrive later or leave earlier?
And if not, I would make some spiced cider or mulled wine, get a hugely cosy blanket and an iPad, build that fire and curl up in front of it and watch a favourite Xmas movie.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:14 PM on December 13
This might be one of those over-active suggestions but the years that I found I could not celebrate Christmas for various reasons, my husband and I volunteered for the Xmas Day Meals on Wheels delivery, which was a special one as anyone could nominate someone or request one.
Nothing will make you more grateful than taking meals to those who don't have a meal or a family at all. This is not at all poking at your loss; it's a true one. It just completely changed my relationship to Christmas forever.
Some closer-to-home suggestions are:
- honestly I would just arrive with groceries (or get them delivered) and make the classics, or if it's in the budget, order in a full meal from a local store/restaurant (here the gourmet grocery stores will cater your Xmas for about $130 for 5 people) and do the washing-up. Seek forgiveness and not permission. (Next AskMe: My relative just barged in and cooked...)
- At my house we actually have a Boxing Day tradition that sounds like your Christmas - we ONLY eat things that come in boxes (cereal, frozen stuff) on that day. So maybe if you trade it around even the frozen stuff will sound festive?
- If changing days around helps, we also do a réveillon dinner. We do not have 13 desserts. We have tourtière, bûche de Noël and carrots. Sometimes tater tots, so much for authenticity.
- Ask your family in advance if they would form a new tradition with you. I think it's fine to share how lonely you felt last year. It might not be cards - it could be roasting marshmallows in the fire or listening to a story (ours is The Gift of the Magi) or reading out loud to each other.
- If you are sure your family isn't willing to enter into this tradition with you, can you arrive later or leave earlier?
And if not, I would make some spiced cider or mulled wine, get a hugely cosy blanket and an iPad, build that fire and curl up in front of it and watch a favourite Xmas movie.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:14 PM on December 13
All of my family traditions died many years ago. My dad's illness + me moving out to go to college meant that keeping things up didn't happen, then eventually he died, and things have never been the same or really recouped since. I've just gotten used to it, honestly, because the overall impetus among who's left has fizzled out. So, yes, eventually you just get used to Numb Christmas. Or you find ways to entertain yourself because the whole family isn't going to entertain you. Sit by the fire and read while everyone else stares at their phones, or whatever they're doing.
Or just do your own thing. If you want to go to church and nobody else does, go do that. Some years my mom and I have gone out to eat by ourselves at a fancy restaurant, and that's helped a lot because it's so different from How Things Used To Be, rather than recreating what's lost and having it fail.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:12 PM on December 13
Or just do your own thing. If you want to go to church and nobody else does, go do that. Some years my mom and I have gone out to eat by ourselves at a fancy restaurant, and that's helped a lot because it's so different from How Things Used To Be, rather than recreating what's lost and having it fail.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:12 PM on December 13
I grew up with storybook Christmas celebrations: think heartwarming Hallmark movie on steroids. We kids replicated them, going all out with the decorations, garlands on every door, sending hundreds of cards, the platters of cookies, the groaning table of food for 20, the mountain of gifts, singing carols around the piano and on the Town green on Christmas Eve, etc. And then one year my father died on Christmas Day.
Christmas didn’t cause Dad’s death—he didn’t choke on the turkey—but after that, we just couldn’t. A year later we all gathered on a beach 3000 miles away and did absolutely nothing remotely related to Christmas or our traditions, though we toasted Dad at dinner. The year after that, on December 23rd, I moved into a new house, which literally lacked a kitchen sink due to a contractor snafu, and some family came to help me unpack. Boxes everywhere, but nothing at all Christmassy. My mom busied herself all day setting up my kitchen. The crates of Christmas decorations went straight to the basement.
After about four or five years of completely ignoring the holiday as much as possible, I suddenly realized how much I missed Christmas. My brother’s kids were old enough that he felt he couldn’t continue ignoring the holiday, and I liked seeing and smelling his tree. I no longer teared up when my father’s favorite carol came on the radio. And I felt badly that my grief had deprived Mr. Carmicha of Christmas, and so that year we exchanged gifts. The next year we did a little more; I cooked a few of my family’s traditional dishes, but dinner didn’t come close to the feasts of yore.
After six or seven years, I was finally ready to host again and invited a bunch of family. We decorated, but didn’t go over the top. Our family had grown, and so I queried all of the newcomers about their Christmas traditions. Working those elements into the mix both distanced me a little from the celebration preparation and made me feel, dare I say, in the Christmas spirit, happy to provide evocative things, like enchiladas or whatever. Even though they didn’t signify Christmas to me, being accommodating of others did. In the end, I never experienced another Christmas like the ones we had when my father was still alive, but that’s somehow fitting—it would feel hollow I think— and the holiday is good in a different way now.
And that’s how it’s gone ever since; new ways of celebrating every year as we all grow and change. I actually like Christmas better now: it’s less of a production and leaves more time and energy for people. It’s made me more flexible and got me out of my depressing rut.
TL;DR - You can’t force it, but invite some new people if you can, incorporate their traditions, do what makes you happy, and hope the others emerge from their funk.
posted by carmicha at 5:04 PM on December 13
Christmas didn’t cause Dad’s death—he didn’t choke on the turkey—but after that, we just couldn’t. A year later we all gathered on a beach 3000 miles away and did absolutely nothing remotely related to Christmas or our traditions, though we toasted Dad at dinner. The year after that, on December 23rd, I moved into a new house, which literally lacked a kitchen sink due to a contractor snafu, and some family came to help me unpack. Boxes everywhere, but nothing at all Christmassy. My mom busied herself all day setting up my kitchen. The crates of Christmas decorations went straight to the basement.
After about four or five years of completely ignoring the holiday as much as possible, I suddenly realized how much I missed Christmas. My brother’s kids were old enough that he felt he couldn’t continue ignoring the holiday, and I liked seeing and smelling his tree. I no longer teared up when my father’s favorite carol came on the radio. And I felt badly that my grief had deprived Mr. Carmicha of Christmas, and so that year we exchanged gifts. The next year we did a little more; I cooked a few of my family’s traditional dishes, but dinner didn’t come close to the feasts of yore.
After six or seven years, I was finally ready to host again and invited a bunch of family. We decorated, but didn’t go over the top. Our family had grown, and so I queried all of the newcomers about their Christmas traditions. Working those elements into the mix both distanced me a little from the celebration preparation and made me feel, dare I say, in the Christmas spirit, happy to provide evocative things, like enchiladas or whatever. Even though they didn’t signify Christmas to me, being accommodating of others did. In the end, I never experienced another Christmas like the ones we had when my father was still alive, but that’s somehow fitting—it would feel hollow I think— and the holiday is good in a different way now.
And that’s how it’s gone ever since; new ways of celebrating every year as we all grow and change. I actually like Christmas better now: it’s less of a production and leaves more time and energy for people. It’s made me more flexible and got me out of my depressing rut.
TL;DR - You can’t force it, but invite some new people if you can, incorporate their traditions, do what makes you happy, and hope the others emerge from their funk.
posted by carmicha at 5:04 PM on December 13
Some people find continuing holiday traditions unchanged after a loss really excruciating: the same-ness of it only serves to emphasize the absence of the person who's gone.
After my dad's death every second of our usual Thanksgiving and Christmas routines felt surreal, almost obscene, without him there. There was absolutely nothing comforting about it.
This year we did something totally different and it was the first holiday I've genuinely enjoyed since he died.
So I'm a strong vote for doing something completely different. Maybe your loved ones are like me and need the day to be less evocative of how things used to be.
posted by jesourie at 6:53 PM on December 13
After my dad's death every second of our usual Thanksgiving and Christmas routines felt surreal, almost obscene, without him there. There was absolutely nothing comforting about it.
This year we did something totally different and it was the first holiday I've genuinely enjoyed since he died.
So I'm a strong vote for doing something completely different. Maybe your loved ones are like me and need the day to be less evocative of how things used to be.
posted by jesourie at 6:53 PM on December 13
Thank you for the comments and suggestions. I agree that we need to do something new but when I have suggested new things (going to a restaurant, watching movies etc.) they have not been interested. They still want to get together to celebrate Christmas at the house like we always have.
My relatives have said that the holidays feel different now to them but it seems they are ok.
I don't expect a big festive Christmas at all, just looking for ways to feel less down with the reality of things now. To be clear, we never had big picturesque celebrations. Gifts were modest, food was good and the same every year, decorations were simple. But it was warm and fun. We'd laugh and tease each other. People wanted to keep playing cards and keep the fire going long after dessert. I miss that.
My family has made it clear that they would be very hurt if I was not there on Christmas day and I get it. We're all we've got. It may just take more time for me to adapt and it's something I'll keep pushing through.
posted by fies at 8:14 PM on December 13
My relatives have said that the holidays feel different now to them but it seems they are ok.
I don't expect a big festive Christmas at all, just looking for ways to feel less down with the reality of things now. To be clear, we never had big picturesque celebrations. Gifts were modest, food was good and the same every year, decorations were simple. But it was warm and fun. We'd laugh and tease each other. People wanted to keep playing cards and keep the fire going long after dessert. I miss that.
My family has made it clear that they would be very hurt if I was not there on Christmas day and I get it. We're all we've got. It may just take more time for me to adapt and it's something I'll keep pushing through.
posted by fies at 8:14 PM on December 13
Would your family play cards/a board game, or perhaps a jigsaw puzzle of something nostalgic/relevant to your family’s interest - this might provide openings to be a little more social and to possibly create some stories for next time.
posted by childofTethys at 7:21 AM on December 14
posted by childofTethys at 7:21 AM on December 14
Is there a reason you can't push back on the food thing? You make the meal, you do the dishes? You put up the tree, you take it down?
posted by DarlingBri at 7:36 AM on December 14
posted by DarlingBri at 7:36 AM on December 14
Is there a local catering place or restaurant that could make one of the dishes you enjoy?
That might be one way to volunteer without prep cleanup. I won a silent auction for 3 pies, rolls, honey butter & more. I love making pie, don’t get me wrong, but for Thanksgiving it was So Easy (less to negotiate with a complex dinner) and delicious…maybe that’s an avenue for you?
You could also propose renting a house somewhere and celebrate with them so you CAN do the cooking and clean up. Not this year, but also to get them thinking on alternate scenarios. If they have always hosted, are they a little burnt out on the experience and need a change of pace?
posted by childofTethys at 8:29 AM on December 14
That might be one way to volunteer without prep cleanup. I won a silent auction for 3 pies, rolls, honey butter & more. I love making pie, don’t get me wrong, but for Thanksgiving it was So Easy (less to negotiate with a complex dinner) and delicious…maybe that’s an avenue for you?
You could also propose renting a house somewhere and celebrate with them so you CAN do the cooking and clean up. Not this year, but also to get them thinking on alternate scenarios. If they have always hosted, are they a little burnt out on the experience and need a change of pace?
posted by childofTethys at 8:29 AM on December 14
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posted by praemunire at 12:10 PM on December 13