No time for pit stops

November 8, 2024 12:15 AM

Life Is Happening for a friend of mine who is likely ADHD. However, he doesn't even really have time to learn much or get tested. What are some practices he can adopt that will help him in the meantime?

I was loath to even suggest to friend that he might have ADHD, for fear that the self-education and testing efforts might derail him from what he urgently needs to do. But I have suggested it to him anyway, since I myself have found it helpful to know that I am AuDHD.

When I say that Life Is Happening for him, I don't mean maybe. New marriage, mom with dementia who suddenly needs more care, looking for a new career. And he's new in recovery from food addiction as well.

I don't see that he has time or energy for a separate, all-new self-education and testing journey. However, if he wants to go down that road, it's his business.

He probably should get tested at some point. In the meantime: what are some SIMPLE practices he can adopt TODAY that might help him manage his life and productivity a little better?

EXAMPLE: Adding complicated time management apps or spreadsheet management is something that I would recommend AGAINST. I like Any.Do, but I've had plenty of time to get used to it.

posted by rabia.elizabeth to Health & Fitness (12 answers total)

Small tip: I have found using Alexa (or any other voice recognition) devices to be very helpful in managing my day. When I want a simple reminder, like leave in 10 minutes, setting alarm at 2:20 pm, or egg-timer for 6 minutes, I now just set these reminders on my Alexa device - great to stop me from being infinitely distracted by my phone. I also have simple routines in there, like playing Sleep Sounds near bedtime (to remind me that it is bedtime) or reading out my calendar at the start of the day.

I also have a paper calendar that I write out what I need to do in the week
posted by moiraine at 12:31 AM on November 8 [4 favorites]

sticky notes

“Do lists and sticky notes no longer work?” [ADDitide, Edward Hallowell]
posted by HearHere at 12:44 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Have him ask his new spouse to have evening conversations most nights at the same time that involve a check-in about short term and long term tasks they both need to do, and also what they did do. It can be hard at first but thanking each other for doing every day tasks and congratulating each other when they do things they find difficult makes a huge difference. You get that sense of accomplishment that is so often missing. They can also learn each other’s task preferences and more organically switch them up if they talk about them and they will notice patterns the other person might not. And when they forget something, those conversations can be touch points to keep from spiraling. Of course ideally these conversations would naturally transition into just spending quality time with their new spouse but they could also be deliberately scheduled and separate, if it maybe makes dinner feel like a work meeting or otherwise puts a damper on the new phase of their relationship.

It can help to have dedicated spaces for specific categories of tasks. Could he set up a small desk with a board or wall for lots of sticky notes and a chair that lets him move his body that is specifically for his career search stuff? Even better if he can have a computer just for that which lives there, but that’s likely not feasible. Setting up a separate user account for career things on a laptop might be, though. And that way, he can pull back his focus more easily when the grind gets to him, since his body will recognize it is in the place where the job search task is done and very little else.

Similarly if a lot of the things he needs to do to help with his mom involve phone calls, maybe he could set up a phone call spot, with a good background for video calls, a basket of quiet fidget devices nearby, a notepad for lists, etc. This would continue to be useful for important and stressful phone calls in the future, of which there will always be many.
posted by Mizu at 1:01 AM on November 8 [2 favorites]

Adding reminders/alarms and kitchen timer work sprints is very helpful. His new marriage may also benefit from some thinking about spaces and storage: is there a dish he can always throw his wallet and keys in? Are there hooks he can place some ready accessible items on, so he always knows, e g. His headphones are hanging near his desk.
posted by knile at 1:56 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Peg boards are great. In the kitchen, in the garage, in the office, wherever there's a bunch of fiddly miscellanea that gets lost or generates clutter.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:29 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]

Working with your brain, not against it. If there's a problem he's having consistently - like not putting his jacket in the closet on the other side of the hallway - he shouldn't try to force himself to expend willpower on it, he should figure out what makes sense to him to do with the jacket. (For most ADHD people this'll be pegs or a hanger by the door, so you can shed it immediately and not add steps to the process, plus you remember where it is because it's out in the open.)

And using the Outside Brain most of us carry in our pockets. Calendar reminders are magic, but don't just think that you should set a calendar reminder for something - set it as soon as you think of it, streamlining that process as much as possible. For a lot of people voice control is key there, doesn't require figuring out many clicky things.

Instead of an ever growing to do list, pick a day and time to do something in advance. Not more than two Big Things per day, and break them up if possible (so time scheduled to Research Care Facilities, then a time slot to Call Facilities, then depending on their responses schedule time to View Facility A). Many of us tend to go slightly manic in our brains' speed wanting to do All The Things, which is a very fast path to burnout and not doing Any Of The Things.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 2:38 AM on November 8 [9 favorites]

Pomodoro. My watch has a timer or you can put a Pomodoro timer on your phone. 15 minute focus sessions, 5 minute break, automatically cycles, very helpful.

I have a post-it note on the front of my phone. My home screen is the time, date and a post-it note showing key reminders. For home or work, whatever; this is so important to me.

I put ALL my shit in my work calendar. I can only run one calendar and I have no choice about looking at my work calendar, so that's where my life lives. I book in Call Mom, make an appointment to Pick Up Dog Food, everything.

Have him ask his new spouse to have evening conversations most nights at the same time that involve a check-in about short term and long term tasks they both need to do, and also what they did do.

I'm not saying this is a bad idea, but I am saying that this is a very precarious setup. More so in a M/F relationship. Even more so where the partner without ADHD is a woman. There is a 95% possibility that this will just become a nightly session where she is responsible for reminding him of all the tasks he needs to do and that is... very bad for a marriage.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:42 AM on November 8 [6 favorites]

I set a vibrating timer my watch when I’m cooking. It goes off and I renew it every three minutes until the food is plated and the stove is turned off. ADHD + my limited ability to smell food that’s burning led to a Big Embarrassment recently.

Tell him to do one thing every day that’s just for your spouse’s benefit or enjoyment. Mine is turning up the temp in the house first thing in the morning because I need it cold at night and he’s not a morning person and has a hard time getting up in a cold house. If they’re a coffee or tea drinker, it could be filling up the kettle last thing at night, or anytime you walk by. Even if the rest of the house is chaos, they’ll appreciate it. And it’ll makes you feel better/proud of yourself when everything else feels like shame.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:14 AM on November 8 [2 favorites]

Sticky note on mirror, directly where his face would be every morning when he brushes his teeth, or on laptop (if he opens a laptop every day) or on phone (if all the notes fit).

Do not suggest anything that adds labor for his partner.
posted by elzpwetd at 3:51 AM on November 8 [6 favorites]

Get up early. Which also means, go to bed early. Rather than zoning out on the couch while frazzled past usefulness, until later. Sleep is more recuperative.

FWIW, Ben Franklin's daily schedule.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:34 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]

I know it's not what you asked for but while I was officially diagnosed by a psych I know people who were treated by their family doctor. My own family doctor didn't even ask for proof of my diagnosis when he took over my care.

His family doctor might be willing to prescribe a non-stimulant treament like Strattera or Wellbutrin to get the ball rolling.

Thanks for being such a caring friend :)
posted by i_mean_come_on_now at 6:52 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]

The book “How to keep House While Drowning” is excellent! It is a quick read. I can’t recommend it enough. Also, the app Brili. It is dead simple to use. Brili is like a to-do list but much better. For example, I have a “get ready in the morning” checklist on Brili. Once I launch it it presents one task to me at a time. I swipe to say I’ve completed the task (or delay it). I don’t get overwhelmed because I see only the task at hand. I don’t get side tracked with other chores because I know that all crucial “get ready in the morning” steps will occur in the Brili task list.
posted by ticketmaster10 at 9:17 AM on November 10