au pair ?

May 14, 2006 9:00 PM

We have two small children, and we're thinking of hiring an au pair. We're looking for advice from those who have done this.

We live in the western United States. In case you're not familiar with the term, an au pair is a young person from another country who wants to spend a year or so in our country, and who will help with the children in exchange for room, board and a small salary. Often they are college students who take a few courses here. We like the "foreign exchange student" aspect of this and we sure could use some help with our peppy children and their many activities. We'd like to know (a) if you think hiring an au pair is a good idea, (b) do you have an agency to recommend or steer us away from, (c) what do you look for in an au pair, and (d) just any general tips that you wish you had known when you started the process

posted by richg to human relations (8 comments total)

a) Great idea... I've had many friends who've done it and I've been asked to do it myself during my undergrad and grad school years.

b) Au Pair in America & The International Au Pair Association

c) 1 - Someone who speaks good English
2 - Is friendly, but not a push-over
3 - Surprisingly (this was surprising to me) more and more, parents are requesting guys to serve as an au pair. Evidently because the boys love having them around and, well... the girls "love" them and follow orders when mom and dad are gone.

d) Can't help you there... just take your time, pick the right guy/gal... adn if all else fails, give em a call.
posted by bamassippi at 9:26 PM on May 14, 2006

a) Sometimes it's great -- the key is to know the benefits and pitfalls. I've seen it go bad a few different ways. Common disaster scenarios are:
* irresponsible teenager, and parents feel they've got another older child and
* parents are actually just too cheap to pay for the f/t childcare they really need, so have unrealistic expectations of au pair, who quits or leaves on bad terms

Having a realistic idea of where this type of employee can help seems to be the key to success (says a friend who is on her 6th au pair this year -- 4/6 were German)

b) EF Au Pair

c) Responsible, driver's license, clean driving record, sense oif humor

d) In all childcare situations, I found going with my gut (if I had a funny feeling, it was usually right) and paying slightly more than market rate have never let me down. Same live-out nanny for nine years --

Good luck!
posted by mozhet at 10:31 PM on May 14, 2006

Louise Woodward was working as an au pair when the baby in her care died.

Always bear in mind that au pairs are not trained nannies and their experience in caring for young children may be very limited or non-existent prior to coming into your household.
posted by essexjan at 12:07 AM on May 15, 2006

We had au pairs for many years while I was a kid. The most important tip from my mother: drop in unexpectedly at weird hours and don't be afraid to fire them. She came home and found one au pair napping after a late night out while my brother, aged infant, cried hysterically in his crib. (The agency then sent her to another family with a baby, where the mother found her passed out after a late night out and the baby had clearly been crying for quite a while.) Another au pair totalled our car and tried to bring strange men home to sleep on the couch. (I mean "strange" as in, she had met them two hours before.)

I don't know exactly how the interview process works etc., but another thing to keep in mind is that the advertising for potential au pairs and the advertising for potential parents is very different-- I've known au pairs who were told, essentially, "Come to the US [or a more interesting part of the US-- I knew several from Iowa], study, have fun, explore, and earn your keep with some light childcare!" which is obviously not what the parents are being told. So try to make sure you and your au pair are on the same page. We had several who weren't-- as mentioned above-- and even if it managed to work for several months, it ended disastrously in all cases. Also, as essexjan said, a lot of au pairs are not trained to deal with kids and many of them may not even have the teenage babysitting experience which we tend to think of as "typical." It might be a good idea to see if you can find out about their experience.

I should clarify that there were several au pairs/nannies who took care of us for years and my mom is still in touch with several of them. But she was ruthless about getting rid of au pairs who weren't working out, for whatever reason. I suspect most people would be more touchy-feely about it (my mom was a preschool teacher at the time, I think she took bad nannying as a professional affront), which I think would have been a mistake.
posted by posadnitsa at 5:44 AM on May 15, 2006

I was an au pair twice. I was male (still am, actually), 18 years old, Australian guy in England.

From my point of view, to make it a good experience for me, make sure beforehand that we have similar kinds of ideas about children. Some parents are strict on manners, some parents don't mind what happens so long as the kid's in bed at the end of the day, some parents have a heart attack if their kid licks the floor. My first job bombed horribly within a month because we just didn't agree on anything. I respect their right to raise their kids how they see fit, but that didn't make it any easier to live there.

From your point of view, make sure that they are experienced and that they're happy to be looking after children; ie, it's not just a job that'll get them overseas.

When it works it can be wonderful for both parties. Be careful, though, because when it doesn't work it isn't at all fun.
posted by twirlypen at 6:32 AM on May 15, 2006

I have not hired an au pair, but our next-door neighbours, who have two kids the exact same age as our kids have hired two.

From their experience, I'd say you should have a backup plan. Both au pairs were girls from Austria, about 18-19.

One was fantastic, really good with the kids, she keeps in touch with the family still, a few years after she was there. The only problem with her was that she had trouble making friends, so was a bit lonely, but was great with the kids.

One was, well, a problem. She was extremely depressed. I think she was just homesick. While we all felt bad for her, she had been hired to look after the kids and was having trouble doing that. I'm not sure why she didn't just go home sooner.

So, have a backup plan and I'd suggest to just cut things short if it's not working out.
posted by GuyZero at 8:25 AM on May 15, 2006

Funnily enough, I was at a party this weekend and met a lady who runs an au pair agency. I learned two interesting things from our conversation:

1. The good-looking girls rarely get employed since 90% of the time it's the mother who makes the hiring decision; and
2. YOU DON'T EVEN NEED A KID TO HAVE AN AU PAIR.

I'm clearing out the spare room this evening.
posted by blag at 12:32 PM on May 15, 2006

Always bear in mind that au pairs are not trained nannies and their experience in caring for young children may be very limited or non-existent prior to coming into your household.

Consequently, there is even higher likelihood of running into problems that will have a negative impact upon your kids. You need to think very, very strongly about who would you rather bring into your home, when you compare nanny vs. au pair, you're comparing someone who is trained as a child carer and has chosen to do so as a career with someone who is doing it (most often) because taking care of a kid isn't something which requires special training, and presents a means to go to another country and live on someone else's dime.

A nanny will come with a list of references and a job history which will likely be local, and easily checked. S/he will be available for a personal interview (or series of interviews) in which you can gauge his/her personality and enter into a dialogue about how they can enhance your family life and educate your kids rather than just making sure that they don't fall down the basement steps.

An au pair will likely lack the history and references and if there will certainly be greater barriers to checking their references if they exist. Hiring an au pair rather than a nanny brings a heightened chance of hiring someone who will go through bouts of depression and homesickness: they're strangers in a strange land, so they face a lot of isolation due to their inexperience with the culture, lack of knowledge about your city and lack of friends and other support outside of your home. It doesn't make for self-assured, happy, responsive caregiving. Also, au pairs are notorious for chafing and resenting their status in the household and the rules imposed upon them; they're almost always in the 18-21 age group, but are not able to enjoy normal adult freedoms while living in your home, just at the time in life when that freedom is so crucial to personal development and well-being.

I realize that this is a very negative perspective, but I cannot see how anyone would put the "cultural experience" thing ahead of the obvious drawbacks when it comes to bringing in a person of questionable qualification to care for your children.
posted by Dreama at 4:25 PM on May 15, 2006