Moving, need advice on how to handle a friend's reaction.
September 2, 2024 5:57 PM
I'm moving out of the city and to a nice, quiet area about an hour outside the city (give and take, depending on traffic/train conditions). I've shared the news with all my close friends, and they've all expressed excitement/support except for one friend. I'm stumped on how to handle it.
I acknowledge I cannot control his/anybody's reactions, but I'm a bit hurt/stumped on how to handle it.
I'm moving away from the city because I honestly am tired of city life. I'm immunocompromised, so can't really enjoy nightlife anymore, am tired of the dirt and crowdedness and just, well, the city. I want a fresh start. I realized my mental health has been suffering, and while I have a great new therapist (finallyyyyy), I want to live somewhere nicer and peaceful. I'll be about an hour away from the city and thereby friends, which might be a hard transition, but one I'm willing to try. I also want to get a car—I'm tired of depending on public transportation and not being in control of my own schedule. It was a very difficult decision to make, because I live right next to the Metro currently, and am pretty central, but I've lived here in the city (various places) for almost 20 years, and it's just time.
I'm willing to accept that I might be wrong down the road—the grass isn't always greener on the side, but I've told myself (and all my friends) that if that does happen, nothing will prevent me from moving back, or at least closer, to the city. Point is, I want to try this and see how it goes, especially while I'm in relatively (so far, knock on wood!) good health.
I've shared this with my close friends, and they have all been supportive and enthusiastic and agreed with me that it'd mean a bit more pre-planning, but it honestly isn't that big of a deal, as I'm already a planner anyway. However, one friend in particular wasn't that happy, as far as I could tell. When I broke the news with him and our group, he was initially supportive, congratulating me, but later when it was just us, he kept saying how he felt I would change my mind and want to come back, remarking that would mean he might not be able to visit me because of how far away it is, and showing some concern in general. I had to reassure him that things wouldn't change, that I'd still have time, that it'd just require pre-planning and a bit more time for me to get there, but that's something I was prepared for. He seemed a bit mollified, but later made a few remarks such as "you're moving soon, wow" (with an emphatic shake of his head) and just didn't seem to understand how important this move is to me and how, yes, some change might be inevitable. He has always insisted that DC is right/ideal for me, but the truth is, I feel I have outgrown the city and it's time.
What I want now is support and happiness. I have no problem with differing perspectives or opinions—but this friend just doesn't seem happy for me. I acknowledge I can't control him/his reaction, but is there something I can say to help him understand how important this is to me—and to cut down on the remarks/facial expressions that show disapproval? I don't want his attitude dampening my excitement, and tbh, I'm already super nervous about moving somewhere an hour-ish away without a car (but plan to get one soon anyway) and far away from many of my friends, but this is what I want. I don't want this friend to lose motivation to see me/spend time with me because I'd be further away, and kind of rub it in my face and say something like, "well you moved so far away that I figured you didn't have time to join us" or something like that (passive aggression). I'm just not sure how to handle this situation, and if this friend wasn't a close friend of mine, I'd probably just slow fade because that isn't very appealing, but because he's a close friend, I want to try and address this first.
Of course, he's allowed to be disappointed/hurt/whatever—he's perfectly entitled to his feelings, just like we all are, but I just don't want to feel this way (uncomfortable/worried). I want to feel excited and have my friends happy/excited for me (while expressing valid concerns/questions then accepting my responses and not making any snarky remarks).
I acknowledge I cannot control his/anybody's reactions, but I'm a bit hurt/stumped on how to handle it.
I'm moving away from the city because I honestly am tired of city life. I'm immunocompromised, so can't really enjoy nightlife anymore, am tired of the dirt and crowdedness and just, well, the city. I want a fresh start. I realized my mental health has been suffering, and while I have a great new therapist (finallyyyyy), I want to live somewhere nicer and peaceful. I'll be about an hour away from the city and thereby friends, which might be a hard transition, but one I'm willing to try. I also want to get a car—I'm tired of depending on public transportation and not being in control of my own schedule. It was a very difficult decision to make, because I live right next to the Metro currently, and am pretty central, but I've lived here in the city (various places) for almost 20 years, and it's just time.
I'm willing to accept that I might be wrong down the road—the grass isn't always greener on the side, but I've told myself (and all my friends) that if that does happen, nothing will prevent me from moving back, or at least closer, to the city. Point is, I want to try this and see how it goes, especially while I'm in relatively (so far, knock on wood!) good health.
I've shared this with my close friends, and they have all been supportive and enthusiastic and agreed with me that it'd mean a bit more pre-planning, but it honestly isn't that big of a deal, as I'm already a planner anyway. However, one friend in particular wasn't that happy, as far as I could tell. When I broke the news with him and our group, he was initially supportive, congratulating me, but later when it was just us, he kept saying how he felt I would change my mind and want to come back, remarking that would mean he might not be able to visit me because of how far away it is, and showing some concern in general. I had to reassure him that things wouldn't change, that I'd still have time, that it'd just require pre-planning and a bit more time for me to get there, but that's something I was prepared for. He seemed a bit mollified, but later made a few remarks such as "you're moving soon, wow" (with an emphatic shake of his head) and just didn't seem to understand how important this move is to me and how, yes, some change might be inevitable. He has always insisted that DC is right/ideal for me, but the truth is, I feel I have outgrown the city and it's time.
What I want now is support and happiness. I have no problem with differing perspectives or opinions—but this friend just doesn't seem happy for me. I acknowledge I can't control him/his reaction, but is there something I can say to help him understand how important this is to me—and to cut down on the remarks/facial expressions that show disapproval? I don't want his attitude dampening my excitement, and tbh, I'm already super nervous about moving somewhere an hour-ish away without a car (but plan to get one soon anyway) and far away from many of my friends, but this is what I want. I don't want this friend to lose motivation to see me/spend time with me because I'd be further away, and kind of rub it in my face and say something like, "well you moved so far away that I figured you didn't have time to join us" or something like that (passive aggression). I'm just not sure how to handle this situation, and if this friend wasn't a close friend of mine, I'd probably just slow fade because that isn't very appealing, but because he's a close friend, I want to try and address this first.
Of course, he's allowed to be disappointed/hurt/whatever—he's perfectly entitled to his feelings, just like we all are, but I just don't want to feel this way (uncomfortable/worried). I want to feel excited and have my friends happy/excited for me (while expressing valid concerns/questions then accepting my responses and not making any snarky remarks).
is there something I can say to help him understand how important this is to me—and to cut down on the remarks/facial expressions that show disapproval?
Not really. He's saying the right things. He's just having feelings. Is what you really, really want for your friends to never react genuinely?
What about you being a good friend to him and saying "hey, I see that you're bummed. I bet you're feeling sad we won't be so geographically close and able to hang out together. I'm here for you in that feelings."
In the last question, honestly, you deserved so much better.
But in this one, you're - not in the wrong, but you're missing the point of friendship here. He is sad because for him you're leaving. That is actually a part of genuinely being connected. Let him be sad. You be happy. Both are okay! They are both about your lives and being close.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:16 PM on September 2
Not really. He's saying the right things. He's just having feelings. Is what you really, really want for your friends to never react genuinely?
What about you being a good friend to him and saying "hey, I see that you're bummed. I bet you're feeling sad we won't be so geographically close and able to hang out together. I'm here for you in that feelings."
In the last question, honestly, you deserved so much better.
But in this one, you're - not in the wrong, but you're missing the point of friendship here. He is sad because for him you're leaving. That is actually a part of genuinely being connected. Let him be sad. You be happy. Both are okay! They are both about your lives and being close.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:16 PM on September 2
What about you being a good friend to him and saying "hey, I see that you're bummed. I bet you're feeling sad we won't be so geographically close and able to hang out together. I'm here for you in that feelings."
Not really. He's saying the right things. He's just having feelings.
True. Good point. I haven't really experienced that kind of situation before, so wasn't sure. I like your script. Was just a bit anxious/unsure but you bring up very good points too. Thanks!
posted by dubious_dude at 6:25 PM on September 2
Not really. He's saying the right things. He's just having feelings.
True. Good point. I haven't really experienced that kind of situation before, so wasn't sure. I like your script. Was just a bit anxious/unsure but you bring up very good points too. Thanks!
posted by dubious_dude at 6:25 PM on September 2
Is there any possibility that this friend harboured latent romantic feeling for you and now he's thinking that he "missed his chance" with you moving away?
posted by sardonyx at 6:45 PM on September 2
posted by sardonyx at 6:45 PM on September 2
I don't want this friend to lose motivation to see me/spend time with me because I'd be further away
This may happen. It happens when people move so that it's considerably harder to get together. It sounds like you feel ready for this move, and that's great. It will be very unfortunate, however, if you are on here in three months saying "I know I can't control my friends, but how can I force them to want to spend an hour on public transit to see me?" Get your mind around it now.
kind of rub it in my face and say something like, "well you moved so far away that I figured you didn't have time to join us" or something like that (passive aggression)
I'm glad you have a new therapist you're clicking with! Please tell them you sometimes find yourself imagining elaborate ways in which your friends/loved ones could be unkind to you and trying to figure out how to force them not to be. Because you do. And it's an incredibly unhelpful line of thinking for you.
But! It may actually happen that someone doesn't invite you to the late Wednesday night at the bar or wherever because they assume you have to get home and won't want to be getting there at 11 pm. You are moving away from (at least some of) your friends. This will most likely have social consequences for you, as it would for anyone. The inevitable social disruption caused by a significant move is a tradeoff you have to be willing to accept for all the benefits you hope, reasonably, to get. I'm telling you right now that the odds are very good that even some of the friends who are being supportive now will not see you as often, and may leave you out of future invitations (without ill intent), because that's a common result of moving an hour away. "I know I can't control them, but--" Nope. No buts. This is how it's going to be. Accept it now, and embrace the change you want.
posted by praemunire at 6:47 PM on September 2
This may happen. It happens when people move so that it's considerably harder to get together. It sounds like you feel ready for this move, and that's great. It will be very unfortunate, however, if you are on here in three months saying "I know I can't control my friends, but how can I force them to want to spend an hour on public transit to see me?" Get your mind around it now.
kind of rub it in my face and say something like, "well you moved so far away that I figured you didn't have time to join us" or something like that (passive aggression)
I'm glad you have a new therapist you're clicking with! Please tell them you sometimes find yourself imagining elaborate ways in which your friends/loved ones could be unkind to you and trying to figure out how to force them not to be. Because you do. And it's an incredibly unhelpful line of thinking for you.
But! It may actually happen that someone doesn't invite you to the late Wednesday night at the bar or wherever because they assume you have to get home and won't want to be getting there at 11 pm. You are moving away from (at least some of) your friends. This will most likely have social consequences for you, as it would for anyone. The inevitable social disruption caused by a significant move is a tradeoff you have to be willing to accept for all the benefits you hope, reasonably, to get. I'm telling you right now that the odds are very good that even some of the friends who are being supportive now will not see you as often, and may leave you out of future invitations (without ill intent), because that's a common result of moving an hour away. "I know I can't control them, but--" Nope. No buts. This is how it's going to be. Accept it now, and embrace the change you want.
posted by praemunire at 6:47 PM on September 2
I don't want this friend to lose motivation to see me/spend time with me because I'd be further away, and kind of rub it in my face and say something like, "well you moved so far away that I figured you didn't have time to join us" or something like that (passive aggression).
This will 100% happen, with this person and probably several others. If you move away from the city where your friends are, it will be 100% your responsibility to get into the city and visit them -- actually, closer to 200% given how much extra hassle it will be and how you will be left out of things that you could have attended because they assume it will be too much hassle. I am not saying that is fair, I am saying that I know from regular experience that this is the case in 99% of cases where people move away. You'll get the occasional visit from someone who wants to treat a your place like a weekend getaway but past one visit (and probably not even that many from most of your friends) people will not make the 1 hour trip to visit you for, say, dinner or game night.
I am not saying this to dissuade you from moving. You have good reasons for moving and you need to follow your heart. But start preparing yourself emotionally now for the day when this stuff happens because you will not be able to stop it from happening and the only thing you can control is how you are going to react to it when it does.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:34 PM on September 2
This will 100% happen, with this person and probably several others. If you move away from the city where your friends are, it will be 100% your responsibility to get into the city and visit them -- actually, closer to 200% given how much extra hassle it will be and how you will be left out of things that you could have attended because they assume it will be too much hassle. I am not saying that is fair, I am saying that I know from regular experience that this is the case in 99% of cases where people move away. You'll get the occasional visit from someone who wants to treat a your place like a weekend getaway but past one visit (and probably not even that many from most of your friends) people will not make the 1 hour trip to visit you for, say, dinner or game night.
I am not saying this to dissuade you from moving. You have good reasons for moving and you need to follow your heart. But start preparing yourself emotionally now for the day when this stuff happens because you will not be able to stop it from happening and the only thing you can control is how you are going to react to it when it does.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:34 PM on September 2
There is a good chance what he really means is that he couldn't imagine preferring to live an hour away from the city, and so he can't imagine that this could possibly be a good choice for anyone, you included. It's not necessarily "disapproval" but a lack of imagination that different people might have different priorities/desires/etc.
While yes, you can't control how friends react to your choices, I think you can say "Hey, I understand that you are looking out for me with your concerns and I know that's coming from a good place, but the truth is, while I'm mostly excited about the move I'm also a little nervous, and so what I really need right now from my friends is just excitement - if you can't be excited, that's OK, but can you avoid being negative? At least in this moment as I plan this move. Thanks!"
posted by coffeecat at 7:35 PM on September 2
While yes, you can't control how friends react to your choices, I think you can say "Hey, I understand that you are looking out for me with your concerns and I know that's coming from a good place, but the truth is, while I'm mostly excited about the move I'm also a little nervous, and so what I really need right now from my friends is just excitement - if you can't be excited, that's OK, but can you avoid being negative? At least in this moment as I plan this move. Thanks!"
posted by coffeecat at 7:35 PM on September 2
I've had loved ones break down in tears because I was making a move I was excited about. I took it as an indication that they loved me and were going to miss me. That was the story I chose to tell myself, rather than framing it as undermining me. Whether that was true or not doesn't exactly matter, but I think it was true. I understood that people have complicated feelings about major changes and can love and support me without mirroring my feelings.
You say this is a close friend, so you could have a conversation about the fact that he seems to be bothered by your move and ask what he's worried about. There might be things the two of you can do to make you both feel better - like having a regular video call, or planning a concrete date for a visit after you move.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:39 PM on September 2
You say this is a close friend, so you could have a conversation about the fact that he seems to be bothered by your move and ask what he's worried about. There might be things the two of you can do to make you both feel better - like having a regular video call, or planning a concrete date for a visit after you move.
posted by EvaDestruction at 7:39 PM on September 2
Boy, do I know how it goes to find yourself scripting elaborate possible future conversations in your head where you think about what if this friend said that thing, and made that face, and what would you do or say and then what six paths could that conversation go down...but I heartily encourage you not to do that, and to talk with your therapist about strategies for that.
You don't need to decide now what you will do if distance frays this friendship. You can just move and see what happens. You can be glad your friend is trying to say mostly the right things even if you can tell his heart isn't fully in it, and extend him some grace for being sad and worried that you're leaving.
Focus on your exciting future in your new home, your plans to maintain contact with your friends, and the things that are yours to arrange as you see fit. Your friend's complicated feelings aren't on that list.
posted by Stacey at 7:45 PM on September 2
You don't need to decide now what you will do if distance frays this friendship. You can just move and see what happens. You can be glad your friend is trying to say mostly the right things even if you can tell his heart isn't fully in it, and extend him some grace for being sad and worried that you're leaving.
Focus on your exciting future in your new home, your plans to maintain contact with your friends, and the things that are yours to arrange as you see fit. Your friend's complicated feelings aren't on that list.
posted by Stacey at 7:45 PM on September 2
When my friends have moved away, the friendship lessened. That happens, period. He's just pre-mourning and made the mistake of letting you know that to your face instead of pretending, "I'm so happy for you!" I don't know all of the logistics here, but moving an hour away without a car alone means you're not as likely to jaunt into the city as you might think (see that AskMe awhile back about how much of a slog it is to go into the city from the country for your social life), and maybe he's hinting to you that HE's not that motivated to schlep to you.
I think this is a tough love honest talk situation. "Friend, I am determined to move. It is the best choice for me. I am going to do it even if you do not agree. You can be unhappy about it on your own time, but don't show that unhappiness to me, because I need your support," finished by the whole "comfort in, dump out" explanation. If he can't fake happy for you about this to your face, maybe this friendship will be shorter than you figured.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:05 PM on September 2
I think this is a tough love honest talk situation. "Friend, I am determined to move. It is the best choice for me. I am going to do it even if you do not agree. You can be unhappy about it on your own time, but don't show that unhappiness to me, because I need your support," finished by the whole "comfort in, dump out" explanation. If he can't fake happy for you about this to your face, maybe this friendship will be shorter than you figured.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:05 PM on September 2
Change is very hard for some people.
From what you’ve said, I will bet dollars to donuts that once your new situation becomes the status quo he will adjust just fine. You’ll probably go through the same process with him if you decide to move back.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:45 PM on September 2
From what you’ve said, I will bet dollars to donuts that once your new situation becomes the status quo he will adjust just fine. You’ll probably go through the same process with him if you decide to move back.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:45 PM on September 2
There is something you can say, I think. I've been that friend (not as openly, but definitely inside). What has helped me is reassurance not about future plans, but about the relationship itself. It helps to hear
"I'll miss you so much."
"It'll be really hard to no longer casually hang out on the same day."
"I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"I really like you!"
"I'm scared we might grow more distant. I don't want that to happen. I'll work so hard to stay in touch."
"I wish you could come with me."
Basically, validate. When I felt sad about friends leaving, I was scared they'd just fade out of my life. Fear makes people say crazy things. But connection can reduce fear, and you can connect by validating his very legitimate concerns. He can't be happy for you because he's too sad. That means he likes and values you. Something to be grateful for, really.
posted by toucan at 10:10 PM on September 2
"I'll miss you so much."
"It'll be really hard to no longer casually hang out on the same day."
"I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"I really like you!"
"I'm scared we might grow more distant. I don't want that to happen. I'll work so hard to stay in touch."
"I wish you could come with me."
Basically, validate. When I felt sad about friends leaving, I was scared they'd just fade out of my life. Fear makes people say crazy things. But connection can reduce fear, and you can connect by validating his very legitimate concerns. He can't be happy for you because he's too sad. That means he likes and values you. Something to be grateful for, really.
posted by toucan at 10:10 PM on September 2
You are moving away from (at least some of) your friends. This will most likely have social consequences for you, as it would for anyone.
True. (And not a reason not to move, to be clear.)
Any chance this friend has been privy in the past to your feelings about being left out or not invited to things? You've had a lot of questions here about that, and it's good to really prepare yourself for this to happen and make sure you're okay with it.
(Again, I actually think it's a good thing to try and also you're right that you can move again at any point. Just go in with the mindset that this is likely to be a more quiet time for you socially.)
Anyway, give your friend a hug or punch him in the shoulder and tell him (lightly! Not chidingly! With a smile!) "hey, be happy for me, okay? Worst case, I'll move back." And then just let him be. Decide to read it as a heartwarming sign of closeness.
posted by trig at 10:47 PM on September 2
True. (And not a reason not to move, to be clear.)
Any chance this friend has been privy in the past to your feelings about being left out or not invited to things? You've had a lot of questions here about that, and it's good to really prepare yourself for this to happen and make sure you're okay with it.
(Again, I actually think it's a good thing to try and also you're right that you can move again at any point. Just go in with the mindset that this is likely to be a more quiet time for you socially.)
Anyway, give your friend a hug or punch him in the shoulder and tell him (lightly! Not chidingly! With a smile!) "hey, be happy for me, okay? Worst case, I'll move back." And then just let him be. Decide to read it as a heartwarming sign of closeness.
posted by trig at 10:47 PM on September 2
Also -
What I want now is [100% unadulterated] support and happiness.
I don't want his attitude dampening my excitement
You don't always get what you want in life. Wants just aren't paramount in the universe. And these are such tiny little things to not get. You say "ah well" and let him have his feelings and don't imbue tiny things with such heavy amounts of emotional weight. That's the way you get happiness.
posted by trig at 1:12 AM on September 3
What I want now is [100% unadulterated] support and happiness.
I don't want his attitude dampening my excitement
You don't always get what you want in life. Wants just aren't paramount in the universe. And these are such tiny little things to not get. You say "ah well" and let him have his feelings and don't imbue tiny things with such heavy amounts of emotional weight. That's the way you get happiness.
posted by trig at 1:12 AM on September 3
remarking that would mean he might not be able to visit me because of how far away it is
you write about your willingness to visit your friend, it sounds like he wants to also be able to take some initiative. other people have mentioned making concrete plans for times to meet up. perhaps you can also plan a space
to cut down on the remarks/facial expressions that show disapproval?
is there a cafe y'all might like near where you plan to move, or somewhere in between- with DC's extensive public transit system, perhaps there's a stop that will be close to your new place & easy for your friend to visit, etc.
posted by HearHere at 1:18 AM on September 3
you write about your willingness to visit your friend, it sounds like he wants to also be able to take some initiative. other people have mentioned making concrete plans for times to meet up. perhaps you can also plan a space
to cut down on the remarks/facial expressions that show disapproval?
is there a cafe y'all might like near where you plan to move, or somewhere in between- with DC's extensive public transit system, perhaps there's a stop that will be close to your new place & easy for your friend to visit, etc.
posted by HearHere at 1:18 AM on September 3
You're getting some good advice on your question in the above. Just popping in to say that I also lived in your city for about 25 years (not far from you, I think) and moved out to the far 'burbs two years ago, for similar reasons. The effect on my mental health and happiness was completely unexpected and overwhelmingly positive. I think this is a great move for you and will be a big improvement, even if it does change things with your friends. Good luck!
posted by kinsey at 3:10 AM on September 3
posted by kinsey at 3:10 AM on September 3
Like your other previous posts, I think it will be better if you stop letting your happiness conditional on other people's reactions.
Your friend may have something else going on that has completely nothing to do with you, and may be preoccupied with his own matters. We are all not the Main Character in other people's lives. We are their Side Character, we enter, we exit, we spend time together which is pleasant, but for the most part our feelings do not play a front and center role for our friends.
posted by moiraine at 3:15 AM on September 3
Your friend may have something else going on that has completely nothing to do with you, and may be preoccupied with his own matters. We are all not the Main Character in other people's lives. We are their Side Character, we enter, we exit, we spend time together which is pleasant, but for the most part our feelings do not play a front and center role for our friends.
posted by moiraine at 3:15 AM on September 3
I've done this fairly recently-ish, though in a more slow-motion way. First I changed jobs to a job in a different neighborhood from my friends, then started working from my home, which was on the outskirts of our city, then fully moved to a peaceful suburb far enough away that it requires real planning to see old friends. At first, especially during those first two steps, I spent a lot of emotional energy worrying about and feeling sad about the fact that they would decide on my behalf that their hangouts were too inconvenient for me to join.
Now, the combination of time having passed and my being in a truly peaceful spot that is really good for my mental and physical health has totally changed my outlook on it. I miss the old times, but there's no living or job situation that would allow me to go back--probably at all, let alone while also keeping any of the benefits of my current lifestyle, which so totally outweigh the losses. And after some time has passed, the friends who were the least supportive don't feel like that big of a loss. Not that I bear them any ill will! Our relationships just evolved, and that's OK. I'm much closer with the friends who were supportive than I was before I moved. And I'll add--it wasn't always the people I expected. Their initial reaction may or may not be that accurate in terms of predicting how the move will affect your friendship. It helps to be open and flexible (which, of course, in this post-2020 world, we have to be anyway when making any kind of plans).
tldr: If the move is as good for you as it was for me, I hope you can save some of the time I wasted resisting the friendship changes that came with it. The benefits of your new situation will be so much bigger than one friend's lack of enthusiasm.
posted by lampoil at 8:07 AM on September 3
Now, the combination of time having passed and my being in a truly peaceful spot that is really good for my mental and physical health has totally changed my outlook on it. I miss the old times, but there's no living or job situation that would allow me to go back--probably at all, let alone while also keeping any of the benefits of my current lifestyle, which so totally outweigh the losses. And after some time has passed, the friends who were the least supportive don't feel like that big of a loss. Not that I bear them any ill will! Our relationships just evolved, and that's OK. I'm much closer with the friends who were supportive than I was before I moved. And I'll add--it wasn't always the people I expected. Their initial reaction may or may not be that accurate in terms of predicting how the move will affect your friendship. It helps to be open and flexible (which, of course, in this post-2020 world, we have to be anyway when making any kind of plans).
tldr: If the move is as good for you as it was for me, I hope you can save some of the time I wasted resisting the friendship changes that came with it. The benefits of your new situation will be so much bigger than one friend's lack of enthusiasm.
posted by lampoil at 8:07 AM on September 3
(Dubious) Dude, come on, this is just people being people. I know from previous asks that you have had some bad experiences with friends and family members not always treating you well, but you need some calibration here.
You CANNOT expect to script your friends' reactions to that extent where they only provide 100% smiles and positive affirmations and nothing else. If you could they wouldn't really be your friends, they would be like friend-shaped cardboard cutouts that you propped up around you.
Moving to a new city after living in one place for a long time is a pretty big change, and when you talk about making any kind of big change, people are naturally going to bring their own feelings and baggage and history into their reaction. Maybe this guy thinks DC is the best city on earth and takes it as a personal affront when someone says it isn't a good fit for them. Maybe he had bad experiences in childhood with friends moving away and not being able to keep in touch. Maybe he just doesn't cope well with change in general.
Whatever. The point is that he's got his own "stuff" and maybe isn't being 100% graceful about handling it, but that's okay. You are making a change you feel is right for you at this point in your life. You've thought it through, you know you'll be making some adjustments, and you're ready to give it a try. That's great! This one guy having some trouble with it shouldn't sway you from your decision.
Good luck with your move! I hope it's a positive change for you.
posted by 4rtemis at 9:57 AM on September 3
You CANNOT expect to script your friends' reactions to that extent where they only provide 100% smiles and positive affirmations and nothing else. If you could they wouldn't really be your friends, they would be like friend-shaped cardboard cutouts that you propped up around you.
Moving to a new city after living in one place for a long time is a pretty big change, and when you talk about making any kind of big change, people are naturally going to bring their own feelings and baggage and history into their reaction. Maybe this guy thinks DC is the best city on earth and takes it as a personal affront when someone says it isn't a good fit for them. Maybe he had bad experiences in childhood with friends moving away and not being able to keep in touch. Maybe he just doesn't cope well with change in general.
Whatever. The point is that he's got his own "stuff" and maybe isn't being 100% graceful about handling it, but that's okay. You are making a change you feel is right for you at this point in your life. You've thought it through, you know you'll be making some adjustments, and you're ready to give it a try. That's great! This one guy having some trouble with it shouldn't sway you from your decision.
Good luck with your move! I hope it's a positive change for you.
posted by 4rtemis at 9:57 AM on September 3
I'm not getting overly upset, ashamed, irritated, horrified or anything overwhelmingly negative in the reactions you listed from your friend.
In fact, I think had someone in your group NOT shown at least a tiny bit of sadness for your departure that this askMe would have been along the lines of "none of my friends care that I am leaving, should I drop them all?"
Your expectations and policing of other people's emotions when they aren't exactly as you need them to be is only going to cause you pain.
You don't have any control over their reactions. You can only control how you respond to them. Go be the level of support and happiness for yourself that you need. This sounds like an exciting change that will bring you much joy! That's awesome!
posted by haplesschild at 11:21 AM on September 3
In fact, I think had someone in your group NOT shown at least a tiny bit of sadness for your departure that this askMe would have been along the lines of "none of my friends care that I am leaving, should I drop them all?"
Your expectations and policing of other people's emotions when they aren't exactly as you need them to be is only going to cause you pain.
You don't have any control over their reactions. You can only control how you respond to them. Go be the level of support and happiness for yourself that you need. This sounds like an exciting change that will bring you much joy! That's awesome!
posted by haplesschild at 11:21 AM on September 3
You spend a lot of time wishing that friends would show you more care. This guy is showing care, albeit in a prickly way. So in your shoes, I'd do my best to mentally reframe it as proof of his affection, and do your best to bask in it: he cares about you, he'll miss having easy access to you, and he trusts you enough to let you know honestly. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a friend who has such strong feelings about them!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:24 AM on September 3
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:24 AM on September 3
Intended in the spirit of gentle teasing: He's probably just in shock that you've made a decision and committed to it without first spending 10 years overthinking it and analyzing every possible detail from every possible angle. Like, you gotta admit that's pretty out of character for you. :)
More seriously:
Does this friend know about your cancer? Some of his negative reaction may be because it's reminding him of your mortality, since making dramatic lifestyle changes is common for people who are terminally ill. So he may be worried that your seemingly abrupt decision to move out of the city is a signal that your prognosis is worse than you've let on, but doesn't know how to ask "dude, are you dying?" directly.
"Of course, he's allowed to be disappointed/hurt/whatever"
Based on what you've described, I don't think he's hurt or thinking about how you moving away is going to impact *him*, I think he is worried about your wellbeing and how moving away from your support circle will impact *you* but he just doesn't know how to express it very well.
I would proceed under the assumption that his negative reaction comes from a place of caring and concern and not from selfishness and irritation unless he proves otherwise.
So next time he says something or makes a face, try responding as if he's really saying "I am worried about whether you are okay and whether you will continue to be okay once you move away" and not as if he's saying "I resent that you are doing something that will inconvenience me." Because it sounds like you're reading it as the latter when it seems far more likely to be the former.
If it wouldn't be wildly inappropriate in the context of your friendship, a lighthearted "awwww... it's cute how much you worry about me, thanks, man" might break the tension and give him an opportunity to raise any specific concerns.
Since you're very close friends, it's entirely possible that he's been mentally making preparations for the possibility of helping take care of you if/when you get sicker, and the facial expressions are reflecting him running through a train if thought along the lines of "But then how will I bring him soup when he's sick? That's pretty far away, the soup will get cold. Am I going to have to move there too when the cancer gets bad? I wasn't planning on moving anywhere... this is going to be a logistical nightmare!"
You'd be surprised how many people have elaborate unspoken fantasies around how they'd do anything for their friends, but would never actually admit to them out loud because it's embarrassing. He might have been assuming that he was going to be personally involved in your possible end-of-life support/care and organizing his own life accordingly, and this has thrown those plans into disarray. His remarks about how you're moving so soon hint at this, because that's not the usual thing someone would fixate on unless they feel like it's imposing some sort of deadline on them too.
Next time you see him one-on-one in an environment conducive to a heart-to-heart conversation, give him an easy opening to confess/confirm that he's been worrying about you and see what comes of that.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:17 AM on September 4
More seriously:
Does this friend know about your cancer? Some of his negative reaction may be because it's reminding him of your mortality, since making dramatic lifestyle changes is common for people who are terminally ill. So he may be worried that your seemingly abrupt decision to move out of the city is a signal that your prognosis is worse than you've let on, but doesn't know how to ask "dude, are you dying?" directly.
"Of course, he's allowed to be disappointed/hurt/whatever"
Based on what you've described, I don't think he's hurt or thinking about how you moving away is going to impact *him*, I think he is worried about your wellbeing and how moving away from your support circle will impact *you* but he just doesn't know how to express it very well.
I would proceed under the assumption that his negative reaction comes from a place of caring and concern and not from selfishness and irritation unless he proves otherwise.
So next time he says something or makes a face, try responding as if he's really saying "I am worried about whether you are okay and whether you will continue to be okay once you move away" and not as if he's saying "I resent that you are doing something that will inconvenience me." Because it sounds like you're reading it as the latter when it seems far more likely to be the former.
If it wouldn't be wildly inappropriate in the context of your friendship, a lighthearted "awwww... it's cute how much you worry about me, thanks, man" might break the tension and give him an opportunity to raise any specific concerns.
Since you're very close friends, it's entirely possible that he's been mentally making preparations for the possibility of helping take care of you if/when you get sicker, and the facial expressions are reflecting him running through a train if thought along the lines of "But then how will I bring him soup when he's sick? That's pretty far away, the soup will get cold. Am I going to have to move there too when the cancer gets bad? I wasn't planning on moving anywhere... this is going to be a logistical nightmare!"
You'd be surprised how many people have elaborate unspoken fantasies around how they'd do anything for their friends, but would never actually admit to them out loud because it's embarrassing. He might have been assuming that he was going to be personally involved in your possible end-of-life support/care and organizing his own life accordingly, and this has thrown those plans into disarray. His remarks about how you're moving so soon hint at this, because that's not the usual thing someone would fixate on unless they feel like it's imposing some sort of deadline on them too.
Next time you see him one-on-one in an environment conducive to a heart-to-heart conversation, give him an easy opening to confess/confirm that he's been worrying about you and see what comes of that.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:17 AM on September 4
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The move sounds like a great change for you. Let yourself be excited for yourself just because you are.
posted by phunniemee at 6:04 PM on September 2