Leaving a perfect life to be close to a parent with terminal cancer
December 11, 2022 10:28 PM Subscribe
My father was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer one year ago and it seems statistically likely he will die in the next 1–2 years. My parents live in Hometown City, USA (where I grew up, was deeply unhappy in, and chose to leave) and I live in a New City in Europe (where I have, for all intents and purposes, my ideal life). I plan to move home to be with family, but the thought of leaving New City is horrible—I'm desperate for words of comfort or advice to cope with this choice.
This is a very emotional topic for me, but I will try to be precise.
My father was diagnosed 1 year ago. It is incurable and In the past few weeks his health has been declining significantly. My remote job is switching to in-office next year and I need to relocate to San Francisco (near Hometown City) or leave. I am not a very superstitious person, but this feels like a sign from the universe that it's time to go home. My job is high stress and requires long hours but is very fulfilling. It also lets me financially support my parents—I am covering their health insurance.
Moving home will be very stressful, however, because of my family situation:
I am also looking for a sanity check. Many of my friends (though not my partner) have expressed concerns about me moving home and advocated for a middle ground: relocating to NYC is also on the table, which is equidistant from partner and my family. I've lived there before and would be happier there, but I would still be far from family. I cannot tell if this advice is wrong (and perhaps due to cultural differences) or if I should take it more seriously.
Throwaway: coldslicingthrough@gmail.com
This is a very emotional topic for me, but I will try to be precise.
My father was diagnosed 1 year ago. It is incurable and In the past few weeks his health has been declining significantly. My remote job is switching to in-office next year and I need to relocate to San Francisco (near Hometown City) or leave. I am not a very superstitious person, but this feels like a sign from the universe that it's time to go home. My job is high stress and requires long hours but is very fulfilling. It also lets me financially support my parents—I am covering their health insurance.
Moving home will be very stressful, however, because of my family situation:
- My father and I have a loving but tense relationship. He was already inflexible and somewhat patriarchal, and cancer has made him difficult to be around. But I love him tremendously and look up to him. It is important for me to make him proud and spend time with him.
- My mother is his full-time caretaker. She is under extreme stress, has very few people to confide in except for me, and is often hurt by my father's mercurial temper. They otherwise have a very strong marriage. She tends to be very self-sacrificing.
- My sister lives at home and has a strained relationship with my parents. She failed out of college and doesn't work a white collar job. Bluntly, they see her as a failure. Living with them has been difficult for her, but she cannot afford to move out. My sister and I, however, are very close and have always wanted to live together again as adults.
- We are Asian-American immigrants. There are no other family members in the country and I am used to a higher degree of closeness to my parents than others might be.
- If I relocate, I plan to live 1 hour away from home, and not at home. I would be able to see my family several days a week and give my sister a place of refuge away from a difficult home environment.
- I am queer and met my partner in New City. We plan to marry and have children and emphatically do not want to raise them in the US—New City would be the ideal place. My parents are homophobic (though would never cut me off for it) and are not supportive of my relationship, but it has not been a major issue because of distance and my father's present health.
- My partner is fully supportive of me moving home and we are optimistic about long distance. We have never had jealousy or insecurity issues. For visa reasons, she cannot move with me for 1–2 years, so we are planning to reunite after. (To put it bluntly, I expect that my father may have passed by then.) I rely immensely on her and we would be 8 hours away due to timezones.
- I had significant mental health struggles while in Hometown City, and while I am more resilient and stable now, moving to New City was a big part of that. I found my people there, I developed a stronger sense of identity there. I'm afraid of regressing when I move home.
- New City is very culturally rich. I regularly attend art exhibitions, literary readings, performances. My friends there have introduced me to new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and have encouraged me to work on my own art and writing. I am not sure how to recreate this in SF and Hometown City.
I am also looking for a sanity check. Many of my friends (though not my partner) have expressed concerns about me moving home and advocated for a middle ground: relocating to NYC is also on the table, which is equidistant from partner and my family. I've lived there before and would be happier there, but I would still be far from family. I cannot tell if this advice is wrong (and perhaps due to cultural differences) or if I should take it more seriously.
Throwaway: coldslicingthrough@gmail.com
This is a decision I’m on the edge of actioning, and I want to affirm that this is an incredibly difficult choice with no perfect answer. I don’t have much guidance to offer but I sympathise with you so much.
I’ll be moving to the nearest city to where my parent is, which is also where the jobs are and where my sibling lives. My sibling and I are trying to convince our parent to move to the city so we can provide better support; if that doesn’t eventuate I’m prepared to make the drive multiple times per week, but know it will limit the support I can offer. To me, it makes more sense to go from a 16+ hour plane ride to a 20-minute transit journey, rather than a 2h round trip.
Would your parents and sibling consider relocating with you to SF?
posted by third word on a random page at 10:49 PM on December 11, 2022
I’ll be moving to the nearest city to where my parent is, which is also where the jobs are and where my sibling lives. My sibling and I are trying to convince our parent to move to the city so we can provide better support; if that doesn’t eventuate I’m prepared to make the drive multiple times per week, but know it will limit the support I can offer. To me, it makes more sense to go from a 16+ hour plane ride to a 20-minute transit journey, rather than a 2h round trip.
Would your parents and sibling consider relocating with you to SF?
posted by third word on a random page at 10:49 PM on December 11, 2022
What if you stayed in New City, but flew home for four one-month stays in Parents Home Town?
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:59 PM on December 11, 2022 [26 favorites]
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:59 PM on December 11, 2022 [26 favorites]
I think one thing that could help with the overall situation is to hire some help for your mother if you can afford it and haven't done it yet. You mentioned she is under stress (and presumably exhausted). Someone who can help her with daily chores could improve the situation for everyone in your family. Having a case manager, if there isn't currently one, who helps manage various needs and provides advice and resources can also be very beneficial. Again, I'm suggesting these things because anything that helps with the overall family situation is going to help you too. And its good to do these things proactively, before their absence creates unneeded stress and exhaustion, rather than reactively.
posted by Dansaman at 11:11 PM on December 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 11:11 PM on December 11, 2022 [10 favorites]
A few thoughts:
- Moving to New York won't help - it will be slightly less painful than traveling from New City but you will really be too far to be much help.
- My guess is that San Francisco is very different from Hometown. Do some research on the kind of community that you could build for yourself in SF, especially organizations that might help you make personal connections with people that feel like "your tribe" while doing something that will give you a break from both work and family.
- I agree with Dansman - see if you can pay money to get help for your mother. Even better, Find out about how hospice service work under your parent's health insurance and get your father signed up as soon as he is eligible (he might be already). Hospice services are free and they provide all kinds of comfort services - free hospital style beds, wheelchairs, oxygen as well free medication and access to home health care services including things like a male nurse who could come out a few times a week to bathe your father if he is bedridden and can't do it for himself. All free (since it keeps dying people at home or in a hospice facility instead of in the very expensive hospital.) The key requirements are (1) doctor has to say there is a reasonable expectation he will die within six months (if he doesn't, they will happily extend it) and (2) your father is not pursuing active, curative treatment for his illness (although we were told that if something else develops like, say pneumonia, that he would want to have treated, he can opt out of hospice until he has recovered and then go back on it.
posted by metahawk at 11:34 PM on December 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
- Moving to New York won't help - it will be slightly less painful than traveling from New City but you will really be too far to be much help.
- My guess is that San Francisco is very different from Hometown. Do some research on the kind of community that you could build for yourself in SF, especially organizations that might help you make personal connections with people that feel like "your tribe" while doing something that will give you a break from both work and family.
- I agree with Dansman - see if you can pay money to get help for your mother. Even better, Find out about how hospice service work under your parent's health insurance and get your father signed up as soon as he is eligible (he might be already). Hospice services are free and they provide all kinds of comfort services - free hospital style beds, wheelchairs, oxygen as well free medication and access to home health care services including things like a male nurse who could come out a few times a week to bathe your father if he is bedridden and can't do it for himself. All free (since it keeps dying people at home or in a hospice facility instead of in the very expensive hospital.) The key requirements are (1) doctor has to say there is a reasonable expectation he will die within six months (if he doesn't, they will happily extend it) and (2) your father is not pursuing active, curative treatment for his illness (although we were told that if something else develops like, say pneumonia, that he would want to have treated, he can opt out of hospice until he has recovered and then go back on it.
posted by metahawk at 11:34 PM on December 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
I think knowing that there's an endpoint makes a major difference, even though in this case the reason for the endpoint is not a happy one. But there's a big difference between growing up feeling stuck and lost in a place, with little agency, and coming back temporarily as an adult with agency and capabilities, who knows what they love and what that looks like and that they won't be staying for long.
And I think living on your own, an hour away - in a completely different city, one that has a reputation as one of the more unique cities in the world - also sets this up to be a different experience than the hometown one growing up. I think it definitely has a chance of being an experience you define, this time, rather than one that's defined for you.
I have never lived in SF but I got the impression that it's far from being a cultural desert. Doing some research about what it has to offer might bring up some things to look forward to in the time that you're there.
Are there any other things specific or unique to that area that you might enjoy? Hiking, redwoods, the views, local food, not sure what else since I'm not from SF...
and I want to minimize any regret I will experience in the future
Having dealt with this kind of regret, I think you're absolutely right. And I don't think that living in NYC would be helpful - flying from coast to coast eats up most of a day, living there doesn't let you help much or see your family much, and you could always take trips there if you want to meet your partner in the middle rather than them coming to SF. That advice seems to come not just from a different place culturally but maybe also from people who haven't experienced what it's like to be there, or to not be able to be there, for the end of a loved one's life.
posted by trig at 12:25 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
And I think living on your own, an hour away - in a completely different city, one that has a reputation as one of the more unique cities in the world - also sets this up to be a different experience than the hometown one growing up. I think it definitely has a chance of being an experience you define, this time, rather than one that's defined for you.
I have never lived in SF but I got the impression that it's far from being a cultural desert. Doing some research about what it has to offer might bring up some things to look forward to in the time that you're there.
Are there any other things specific or unique to that area that you might enjoy? Hiking, redwoods, the views, local food, not sure what else since I'm not from SF...
and I want to minimize any regret I will experience in the future
Having dealt with this kind of regret, I think you're absolutely right. And I don't think that living in NYC would be helpful - flying from coast to coast eats up most of a day, living there doesn't let you help much or see your family much, and you could always take trips there if you want to meet your partner in the middle rather than them coming to SF. That advice seems to come not just from a different place culturally but maybe also from people who haven't experienced what it's like to be there, or to not be able to be there, for the end of a loved one's life.
posted by trig at 12:25 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don’t think you should see this as a sign from the universe that it’s time to go home, that’s not really true (the way I understand things in my own life after years of thinking about life that way) could you not see it as the universe telling you it’s time to make a choice about whether you want to explore options to stay in new city? If you wind things up at your current job and get a new job in new city then maybe that gives you an interim period to go home for a long visit to say goodbye to your old life.
posted by pairofshades at 12:34 AM on December 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 12:34 AM on December 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
I would be planning quarterly LONG trips back home to New City, like at least two or three weeks. See if you can negotiate with work for partial work from home to make this possible.
Establish your personal boundaries NOW before you move. How much time a week will you spend with your parents? What kind of support can you offer? How are they allowed to treat you before you leave for the day? How will you set boundaries around your relationship with your sister and what they say about her to you? What are your personal mental and physical health barometers that you will be tracking and keeping an eye on so you know when you need to take a self care break? An important one - what happens when your father dies? How long will you be willing to stay to help your mother transition to being a widow? What happens if your partner is suddenly taken ill or has an accident and needs you urgently at home for caretaking?
I think the way you make this work is thinking through things in advance. Of course, no plan survives contact with reality, but it will give you guidance when you are feeling like you don’t know what to do. You like who you are now. Write down some things that will help you maintain a connection to that person and help you not lose yourself.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:42 AM on December 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
Establish your personal boundaries NOW before you move. How much time a week will you spend with your parents? What kind of support can you offer? How are they allowed to treat you before you leave for the day? How will you set boundaries around your relationship with your sister and what they say about her to you? What are your personal mental and physical health barometers that you will be tracking and keeping an eye on so you know when you need to take a self care break? An important one - what happens when your father dies? How long will you be willing to stay to help your mother transition to being a widow? What happens if your partner is suddenly taken ill or has an accident and needs you urgently at home for caretaking?
I think the way you make this work is thinking through things in advance. Of course, no plan survives contact with reality, but it will give you guidance when you are feeling like you don’t know what to do. You like who you are now. Write down some things that will help you maintain a connection to that person and help you not lose yourself.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:42 AM on December 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'd start by researching what support is available to your parents in hometown - both in general and perhaps through their local immigrant community. I am talking about hospice, illness specific support, elderly support, support from your faith leaders/the local immigrant community. Explore all of that and get it all set up. That gives a lot of relief to your mother and sister without you even moving.
There may be reluctance on your parents' part but that part is not negotiable. You are not moving back and putting yourself in a position where you are the only help. There are a few reasons for that.
1/ Your father is going to need more help, not less, as he approaches the end of his life and caring is a full time job, not something you can do evenings/weekends in addition to working a demanding job and doing 2hr roundtrips multiple times a week
2/ If you are the only help that means you cannot get away to visit your partner.
3/ This will also set up your mother with a support network/other spouses of terminally sick people who are lashing out. There is a community out there for her. She needs to get tapped into that. That will also help her access support after he passes.
And then lastly - yes, there should be spaces and communities for you in SF. Perhaps gently interrogate your fears around that. The biggest concern here would be that between the demanding job and your family obligations and the time it takes to travel to them every week, you'll have very little time to find your people there and build your new circle.
So I'd go so far as to challenge if you can see your family multiple times per week. I'd shoot for one day every weekend personally. After getting them set up with all that other support, the recurring day to day care giving will be supported by the things you're setting up before you even move. That makes it a lot more sustainable and balanced for you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:23 AM on December 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
There may be reluctance on your parents' part but that part is not negotiable. You are not moving back and putting yourself in a position where you are the only help. There are a few reasons for that.
1/ Your father is going to need more help, not less, as he approaches the end of his life and caring is a full time job, not something you can do evenings/weekends in addition to working a demanding job and doing 2hr roundtrips multiple times a week
2/ If you are the only help that means you cannot get away to visit your partner.
3/ This will also set up your mother with a support network/other spouses of terminally sick people who are lashing out. There is a community out there for her. She needs to get tapped into that. That will also help her access support after he passes.
And then lastly - yes, there should be spaces and communities for you in SF. Perhaps gently interrogate your fears around that. The biggest concern here would be that between the demanding job and your family obligations and the time it takes to travel to them every week, you'll have very little time to find your people there and build your new circle.
So I'd go so far as to challenge if you can see your family multiple times per week. I'd shoot for one day every weekend personally. After getting them set up with all that other support, the recurring day to day care giving will be supported by the things you're setting up before you even move. That makes it a lot more sustainable and balanced for you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:23 AM on December 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
My dad was diagnosed with stage IV cancer the week I moved away from the city where my parents lived, so I share the pain of being far away from a seriously ill parent. I'm so sorry.
I couldn't quite tell from your question if you have firmly decided yet to move back - I noticed that you said "if" rather than "when." So I wanted to mention a few things from my experience in case they are helpful.
In terms of moving back, it might be good to think about what happens after your father sadly passes (again, so sorry). Will you truly be able to leave your bereaved mother and sister to go back to New City - or will you feel obligated to stay on?
And, helping my dying dad was for me and my family a very shattering experience, and I really do not think I could have done it alone, without my partner by my side. There's an element of loneliness and spiritual anguish in it that for me was beyond my own ability to heal myself - I really needed my partner and our strong love for each other to get through. Dying is very difficult work and my father really did not want go, so there was a ton of anger and sadness involved. Being apart from my partner during that period of time would have been impossible for me.
This might sound a bit too direct, but - you are allowed to have your own happy life. It's not required for you to sacrifice yourself and your life and your happiness in order to help your father, much as you love him. You can help him from far away, from your own place of love and happiness, and it's entirely possible that the choice the universe is asking of you is to choose your own life now, to choose the love and happiness you have found, and to share that happiness and the strength your love has given you with your family now, not to sacrifice your life to move back.
So if the "if" in your question is real, I suggest, gently, to interrogate it kindly and see what it might be telling you. For my experience, I traveled back often and then when my father went into hospice my partner and I moved back and spent a month in my parents' house helping my parents so my father could die at home, as he wanted. I do treasure that time, as hard as it was. And then we all picked up and carried on, as we had to.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
posted by pintxo at 2:00 AM on December 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
I couldn't quite tell from your question if you have firmly decided yet to move back - I noticed that you said "if" rather than "when." So I wanted to mention a few things from my experience in case they are helpful.
In terms of moving back, it might be good to think about what happens after your father sadly passes (again, so sorry). Will you truly be able to leave your bereaved mother and sister to go back to New City - or will you feel obligated to stay on?
And, helping my dying dad was for me and my family a very shattering experience, and I really do not think I could have done it alone, without my partner by my side. There's an element of loneliness and spiritual anguish in it that for me was beyond my own ability to heal myself - I really needed my partner and our strong love for each other to get through. Dying is very difficult work and my father really did not want go, so there was a ton of anger and sadness involved. Being apart from my partner during that period of time would have been impossible for me.
This might sound a bit too direct, but - you are allowed to have your own happy life. It's not required for you to sacrifice yourself and your life and your happiness in order to help your father, much as you love him. You can help him from far away, from your own place of love and happiness, and it's entirely possible that the choice the universe is asking of you is to choose your own life now, to choose the love and happiness you have found, and to share that happiness and the strength your love has given you with your family now, not to sacrifice your life to move back.
So if the "if" in your question is real, I suggest, gently, to interrogate it kindly and see what it might be telling you. For my experience, I traveled back often and then when my father went into hospice my partner and I moved back and spent a month in my parents' house helping my parents so my father could die at home, as he wanted. I do treasure that time, as hard as it was. And then we all picked up and carried on, as we had to.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
posted by pintxo at 2:00 AM on December 12, 2022 [16 favorites]
I went through something very similar over the last few years - I'm from the US, my beloved grandmother was diagnosed stage IV in 2019 and passed away late 2021, and I live in Europe.
I didn't move home, but i did:
* Quit my job and spend a few months with her just after the diagnosis to make some happy memories
* Started my own business so i'd have the flexibility to support her (I'd always wanted to do this and realised that this was the right time as full-time employment might be too restrictive)
* Came home quarterly for long visits to help out with doc appointments, treatment, cheering up, etc.
* Organised a lot of her cancer support remotely
* Spent 6 weeks at home when it was clear that it was time. I worked remotely most of the time and cared for her in the off-hours (rotating with my mom), then in the final few weeks it was 24-hour care.
Stage IV, in my experience, is a marathon, not a sprint - I would suggest that no matter where you end up living, the important thing is regular visits and reliability. Remember that you will need to maintain your energy in order to be able to provide the care and attention and show up for your family - you can't just ignore yourself over that kind of time period, and if that means staying where you are, that's perfectly valid.
I would also +1 the suggestions that if you can afford to get more care support do it - especially in the later stages it's incredibly valuable and it can give your mom a lot of breathing room day-to-day.
posted by ukdanae at 2:28 AM on December 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
I didn't move home, but i did:
* Quit my job and spend a few months with her just after the diagnosis to make some happy memories
* Started my own business so i'd have the flexibility to support her (I'd always wanted to do this and realised that this was the right time as full-time employment might be too restrictive)
* Came home quarterly for long visits to help out with doc appointments, treatment, cheering up, etc.
* Organised a lot of her cancer support remotely
* Spent 6 weeks at home when it was clear that it was time. I worked remotely most of the time and cared for her in the off-hours (rotating with my mom), then in the final few weeks it was 24-hour care.
Stage IV, in my experience, is a marathon, not a sprint - I would suggest that no matter where you end up living, the important thing is regular visits and reliability. Remember that you will need to maintain your energy in order to be able to provide the care and attention and show up for your family - you can't just ignore yourself over that kind of time period, and if that means staying where you are, that's perfectly valid.
I would also +1 the suggestions that if you can afford to get more care support do it - especially in the later stages it's incredibly valuable and it can give your mom a lot of breathing room day-to-day.
posted by ukdanae at 2:28 AM on December 12, 2022 [4 favorites]
So I've been in a comparable situation to you not once but twice. My dad got sick (also with lung cancer) in 2015 and passed away in 2016; and my mom is now sick, with a chronic condition.
When my dad got sick I moved home and was there till he died. When my mom got sick I moved home, stayed for 4 months, set up a network of carers and left.
So I have experience of both decisions. I would say the key to maintaining sanity in both cases has been to hire carers to help with the physical side of care. It will offer respite to your mother and replenish her energy. It is not always straightforward (my mother has not always been cooperative with her carers) but ultimately they are trained, paid professionals and it would take a much larger emotional toll on you.
With my dad, because of his independent character, I had a lot of space to develop the semblance of a life in Hometown. I spent the majority of my day with him but I had time and space to work, exercise, meet friends, join classes, join a book group etc. I don't mean to say his illness was a walk in the park; it was extremely difficult and emotional, the hardest time of my life BUT because I had that little space to build up resilience I think I was able to manage the worst part okay.
With my mom (they were divorced), it was different because of the dysfunctional, emotionally intense atmosphere at home. I had no space or privacy to myself. It was harder to go out and do things for myself because the atmosphere at home was so volatile, there was always some new argument or crisis to manage. After a few months my mental and physical health had deteriorated so much that I left and came back to my current city. I support my mother's healthcare financially, manage the carers and triangulate with doctors etc but all from abroad. It's been exhausting managing all her health issues one after the other, and my mental health is still not great, but I would probably have gotten really sick if I had remained there.
So all this to say, I'm relieved to hear you say you don't intend to move back into the family home. Maintaining some space for yourself is vital. If you're interested, I have posted a lot of questions on AskMe about my family situation and received a lot of useful answers which may help you.
Sorry for what you're going through. Fuck cancer.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:04 AM on December 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
When my dad got sick I moved home and was there till he died. When my mom got sick I moved home, stayed for 4 months, set up a network of carers and left.
So I have experience of both decisions. I would say the key to maintaining sanity in both cases has been to hire carers to help with the physical side of care. It will offer respite to your mother and replenish her energy. It is not always straightforward (my mother has not always been cooperative with her carers) but ultimately they are trained, paid professionals and it would take a much larger emotional toll on you.
With my dad, because of his independent character, I had a lot of space to develop the semblance of a life in Hometown. I spent the majority of my day with him but I had time and space to work, exercise, meet friends, join classes, join a book group etc. I don't mean to say his illness was a walk in the park; it was extremely difficult and emotional, the hardest time of my life BUT because I had that little space to build up resilience I think I was able to manage the worst part okay.
With my mom (they were divorced), it was different because of the dysfunctional, emotionally intense atmosphere at home. I had no space or privacy to myself. It was harder to go out and do things for myself because the atmosphere at home was so volatile, there was always some new argument or crisis to manage. After a few months my mental and physical health had deteriorated so much that I left and came back to my current city. I support my mother's healthcare financially, manage the carers and triangulate with doctors etc but all from abroad. It's been exhausting managing all her health issues one after the other, and my mental health is still not great, but I would probably have gotten really sick if I had remained there.
So all this to say, I'm relieved to hear you say you don't intend to move back into the family home. Maintaining some space for yourself is vital. If you're interested, I have posted a lot of questions on AskMe about my family situation and received a lot of useful answers which may help you.
Sorry for what you're going through. Fuck cancer.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:04 AM on December 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
Perhaps some of the strain could be lifted from all of you with more help at home. I am a huge fan of hospice care as early as possible, but I am also cognizant of cultural context. You don't mention your family's specific culture but the Chinese American Coalition for Compassionate Care may be of help to you.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:10 AM on December 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:10 AM on December 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think your plan sounds pretty good.
Helping people die is not easy, but having been through it more than once, I found it is one the most important things you can do for someone you love.
Of course, this move will involve a huge amount of change and upheaval, but it aligns with your values, you have your partner’s support, and the resources to make it happen. So, I say go for it. Not only for your sake, but to support your mother.
You also have a chance to spend time with your sister, and maybe this time can be a way for her to move forward in her life in a positive way.
Some thoughts:
-one hour away seems too long of a drive to me. Obviously, it is closer than in another country! But if you are moving to help your family, I’d try to make it more convenient. At times, you might be going there every night after work….an hour of driving each way really adds up.
-I have only visited San Fran, but it is a not a remote backwater town with nothing going on, I’d rethink the concept that where you are is “perfect” and no other place will be as good.
-Long-term plans and contingencies are great. I will mention a friend of mine moved from one coast to the other to be with his parents and family as his father suffered some end stage cancer. After four years, his dad is still alive, and he and his partner made the tough decision to move back to the other side of the country. There is also, as others have mentioned, the support your mom will need after your dad passes. Would you return to your ideal city, then return for another year or two if she has a long-term condition as well? No need to decide everything at once, but I think that needs to be given some thought.
-It is great that your partner is onboard with this plan! But being so far apart for extended amounts of time can be very hard, so I'd want some schedule of in-person visits. Will the homophobia be an issue when you go to visit each other? Will your partner be able to comfortably visit you in California? I’d figure out that as much as possible.
Lastly, I can’t say the universe is messaging you through your company’s wfh plans, but I do believe that sometimes things arrange themselves in ways that point to a certain solution.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:12 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Helping people die is not easy, but having been through it more than once, I found it is one the most important things you can do for someone you love.
Of course, this move will involve a huge amount of change and upheaval, but it aligns with your values, you have your partner’s support, and the resources to make it happen. So, I say go for it. Not only for your sake, but to support your mother.
You also have a chance to spend time with your sister, and maybe this time can be a way for her to move forward in her life in a positive way.
Some thoughts:
-one hour away seems too long of a drive to me. Obviously, it is closer than in another country! But if you are moving to help your family, I’d try to make it more convenient. At times, you might be going there every night after work….an hour of driving each way really adds up.
-I have only visited San Fran, but it is a not a remote backwater town with nothing going on, I’d rethink the concept that where you are is “perfect” and no other place will be as good.
-Long-term plans and contingencies are great. I will mention a friend of mine moved from one coast to the other to be with his parents and family as his father suffered some end stage cancer. After four years, his dad is still alive, and he and his partner made the tough decision to move back to the other side of the country. There is also, as others have mentioned, the support your mom will need after your dad passes. Would you return to your ideal city, then return for another year or two if she has a long-term condition as well? No need to decide everything at once, but I think that needs to be given some thought.
-It is great that your partner is onboard with this plan! But being so far apart for extended amounts of time can be very hard, so I'd want some schedule of in-person visits. Will the homophobia be an issue when you go to visit each other? Will your partner be able to comfortably visit you in California? I’d figure out that as much as possible.
Lastly, I can’t say the universe is messaging you through your company’s wfh plans, but I do believe that sometimes things arrange themselves in ways that point to a certain solution.
good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:12 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think you can do this. I agree with others that moving to New York doesn't solve any problems at all, so don't bother with that.
One thing I would suggest is to get the ball rolling on whatever visa moves your partner needs to make in order for them to join you in the US. Yes, it will take 1-2 years, by which time you don't expect to need to stay in the US for your father's sake. BUT your father could live significantly longer than expected, or your mother and/or your sister might need help now or in the future; better to have as many options open as possible. While you don't want to raise children in the US, a couple years from now you might feel OK about, say, living in the US during the first couple of years of your kid's life. (I know a lot of people who have moved to their preferred place to raise kids only when the kids got to school or preschool age - heck, my own parents did this 40+ years ago.) This is not to minimize the difficulties of raising young kids in the US, just saying that it might be your preferred option at some point.
You won't be able to recreate your New City life in San Francisco but I promise you will be able to find art exhibitions, literary readings, and performances there! Sign up for some mailing lists (or even subscribe to a theater season or something if that's the kind of thing you like) before you go. Commit to going to, say, one event a week.
posted by mskyle at 5:13 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
One thing I would suggest is to get the ball rolling on whatever visa moves your partner needs to make in order for them to join you in the US. Yes, it will take 1-2 years, by which time you don't expect to need to stay in the US for your father's sake. BUT your father could live significantly longer than expected, or your mother and/or your sister might need help now or in the future; better to have as many options open as possible. While you don't want to raise children in the US, a couple years from now you might feel OK about, say, living in the US during the first couple of years of your kid's life. (I know a lot of people who have moved to their preferred place to raise kids only when the kids got to school or preschool age - heck, my own parents did this 40+ years ago.) This is not to minimize the difficulties of raising young kids in the US, just saying that it might be your preferred option at some point.
You won't be able to recreate your New City life in San Francisco but I promise you will be able to find art exhibitions, literary readings, and performances there! Sign up for some mailing lists (or even subscribe to a theater season or something if that's the kind of thing you like) before you go. Commit to going to, say, one event a week.
posted by mskyle at 5:13 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'll just say that when I was facing a similar situation, the decision I made was to prioritize being there for the very end over anything else, including being there for the not quite very end. It was a hard set of tradeoffs but I didn't (and don't) see a better set available.
posted by FeralIntellectual at 5:36 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by FeralIntellectual at 5:36 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Just want to chime in to say that I don't think moving to NYC will help. I live there, and getting to SF from here is A Whole Process - not as hard as getting there from Europe, obviously, but still a 6-hour flight. It seem like NYC would give you the worst of everything - a plane ride from your partner and a plane ride from your dad.
The other thing I wanted to say is that this:
New City is very culturally rich. I regularly attend art exhibitions, literary readings, performances. My friends there have introduced me to new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and have encouraged me to work on my own art and writing.
absolutely describes San Francisco as well.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:40 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
The other thing I wanted to say is that this:
New City is very culturally rich. I regularly attend art exhibitions, literary readings, performances. My friends there have introduced me to new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and have encouraged me to work on my own art and writing.
absolutely describes San Francisco as well.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:40 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is a very tough situation and I commend you for considering uplifting your current life to take care of your father. And it's absolutely something that is totally your decision for whatever reasons you feel motivated to do whatever you do. But I wanna give you my own experiences/thoughts as my mom has Alzheimer's, my dad is her caretaker, my sister lives close enough to them to help in some ways(not close enough to be there all the time) and I live on the other side of the country with my wife in a life, city, and state that I absolutely love living in. Now before I say what I'm doing...I wanna point out that my mom's disease is different then your fathers as far as life expectancy. But of course it doesn't change the every day challenges my mom faces as well as my dad.
My sister has been extraordinarily helpful in getting my parents set up with a lot of caretakers. Fortunately my parents have long term insurance which covers that. Also my sister is independently wealthy and will be able to provide for them as needed. She has openly come out and said she can not and is not willing to give up her life, family, or job to be their care taker. Which leads me to how I feel...as much as I love my parents and especially my mom(I'm extremely close to her) I can't ever see myself moving back to be close to where they live to take care of them. I worked extremely hard to create a life for myself in a city and state that to me is a better place to live then anywhere else on the planet and is certainly a better quality of life then where my family lives. And I also can work from anywhere so I could easily do what I do where my parents live. But I don't want to leave where I live. Does this make me selfish, a bad person, or morally corrupt? I don't know. I certainly could understand how people view it that way. But I also know that I would pay a huge huge price by leaving where I live due to quality of life. And while I'd be able to see my family a lot more and help my parents, I would be pretty unhappy in the city they live in, and the with the lifestyle there.
Bottom line, you have to also take care of yourself. And that may sound selfish but it doesn't change the fact that taking care of your parents and giving up your life is going to have some big negative consequences for your quality of life. If there's any way you can get your parents outside assistance and schedule regular visits while continuing to live your life in the city you love...I would strongly consider that. But that's me. The question is, what's best for you? I wanted to let you know what I'm doing. Do I often feel bad, and guilty? Yes. But I now for me it's the healthier choice. So there's my perspective.
posted by ljs30 at 10:00 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
My sister has been extraordinarily helpful in getting my parents set up with a lot of caretakers. Fortunately my parents have long term insurance which covers that. Also my sister is independently wealthy and will be able to provide for them as needed. She has openly come out and said she can not and is not willing to give up her life, family, or job to be their care taker. Which leads me to how I feel...as much as I love my parents and especially my mom(I'm extremely close to her) I can't ever see myself moving back to be close to where they live to take care of them. I worked extremely hard to create a life for myself in a city and state that to me is a better place to live then anywhere else on the planet and is certainly a better quality of life then where my family lives. And I also can work from anywhere so I could easily do what I do where my parents live. But I don't want to leave where I live. Does this make me selfish, a bad person, or morally corrupt? I don't know. I certainly could understand how people view it that way. But I also know that I would pay a huge huge price by leaving where I live due to quality of life. And while I'd be able to see my family a lot more and help my parents, I would be pretty unhappy in the city they live in, and the with the lifestyle there.
Bottom line, you have to also take care of yourself. And that may sound selfish but it doesn't change the fact that taking care of your parents and giving up your life is going to have some big negative consequences for your quality of life. If there's any way you can get your parents outside assistance and schedule regular visits while continuing to live your life in the city you love...I would strongly consider that. But that's me. The question is, what's best for you? I wanted to let you know what I'm doing. Do I often feel bad, and guilty? Yes. But I now for me it's the healthier choice. So there's my perspective.
posted by ljs30 at 10:00 AM on December 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
My father was diagnosed 1 year ago. It is incurable and In the past few weeks his health has been declining significantly. My remote job is switching to in-office next year and I need to relocate to San Francisco (near Hometown City) or leave.
You have two wholly separate and very difficult (emotionally, practically) issues here that are deeply intertwined: your job is changing and so you need to relocate physically near to Hometown soon or leave your job (which you love) and your father (who you love), who is in Hometown, is dying. I agree with you and I am not prone to acting on "signs from the Universe" either -- it seems like two of the biggest elements in your life are asking, perhaps demanding, that you right now, temporarily relocate to SF. And it seems that the third big element your life, your partner, is offering you a most generous gift: they will help make this work for you, and for the two of you together.
I think you need to go.
That doesn't mean you need to stay. Nothing is requiring you to do that. Your father will die (I am so very, very sorry) and you can also in the short-term (one or two short years) command your own destiny with your employment, and create the life with your partner that you both want in a place you both feel at home.
You aren't the same person now that you were when you left Hometown. You are wholly changed. Go show Hometown how you have outgrown it and how strong you are now, and work with it to help your father pass and to help you and your family through that and beyond it.
Then you can go home -- the one you created for yourself. In the meantime, you can explore all that SF has to offer you, which is a very lot, and not anything like what Hometown offers.
Go.
posted by desert exile at 10:05 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
You have two wholly separate and very difficult (emotionally, practically) issues here that are deeply intertwined: your job is changing and so you need to relocate physically near to Hometown soon or leave your job (which you love) and your father (who you love), who is in Hometown, is dying. I agree with you and I am not prone to acting on "signs from the Universe" either -- it seems like two of the biggest elements in your life are asking, perhaps demanding, that you right now, temporarily relocate to SF. And it seems that the third big element your life, your partner, is offering you a most generous gift: they will help make this work for you, and for the two of you together.
I think you need to go.
That doesn't mean you need to stay. Nothing is requiring you to do that. Your father will die (I am so very, very sorry) and you can also in the short-term (one or two short years) command your own destiny with your employment, and create the life with your partner that you both want in a place you both feel at home.
You aren't the same person now that you were when you left Hometown. You are wholly changed. Go show Hometown how you have outgrown it and how strong you are now, and work with it to help your father pass and to help you and your family through that and beyond it.
Then you can go home -- the one you created for yourself. In the meantime, you can explore all that SF has to offer you, which is a very lot, and not anything like what Hometown offers.
Go.
posted by desert exile at 10:05 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
I've been in a similar situation twice, and I agree with you that moving to be near your dad right now is the right thing to do. I don't think you'll regret it.
I might feel differently if your job wasn't requiring you to move. It wouldn't necessarily make sense to quit a job you love to do this. But since your job is taking you to San Francisco at this exact time, I think that makes the decision pretty easy. Or at least, as easy as it can be.
But if I were you, I'd be considering it temporary. I'd be considering making the assumption that after your father dies, you may move back to New City, rather than your partner moving to you. You don't need to figure that out now, but I would hold it as a real possibility, and perhaps the most likely one.
So if I were you, I would relocate to San Francisco, leaving most of your things behind with your partner in New City. It's easy in San Francisco to get a corporate-type apartment, furnished if you want, that's pretty much plug-and-play. I'd go back to New City maybe once a quarter for a visit. Have your partner come visit you in San Francisco too. While in California, I'd focus on being with your dad, and also helping to get your mom set up for what will happen after your father dies.
The one thing I want to disagree with other commenters about (and this is perhaps nitpicky) is the cultural richness of San Francisco. Tech has very much driven art out of San Francisco. I mean of course there is some culture stuff (including nearby, e.g., Oakland), and there is creativity everywhere. But if you are currently living in Europe, San Francisco will be a big step backwards. Don't beat yourself up if you can't recreate your New City experiences in San Francisco, is what I'm meaning to say here.
posted by Susan PG at 10:44 AM on December 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I might feel differently if your job wasn't requiring you to move. It wouldn't necessarily make sense to quit a job you love to do this. But since your job is taking you to San Francisco at this exact time, I think that makes the decision pretty easy. Or at least, as easy as it can be.
But if I were you, I'd be considering it temporary. I'd be considering making the assumption that after your father dies, you may move back to New City, rather than your partner moving to you. You don't need to figure that out now, but I would hold it as a real possibility, and perhaps the most likely one.
So if I were you, I would relocate to San Francisco, leaving most of your things behind with your partner in New City. It's easy in San Francisco to get a corporate-type apartment, furnished if you want, that's pretty much plug-and-play. I'd go back to New City maybe once a quarter for a visit. Have your partner come visit you in San Francisco too. While in California, I'd focus on being with your dad, and also helping to get your mom set up for what will happen after your father dies.
The one thing I want to disagree with other commenters about (and this is perhaps nitpicky) is the cultural richness of San Francisco. Tech has very much driven art out of San Francisco. I mean of course there is some culture stuff (including nearby, e.g., Oakland), and there is creativity everywhere. But if you are currently living in Europe, San Francisco will be a big step backwards. Don't beat yourself up if you can't recreate your New City experiences in San Francisco, is what I'm meaning to say here.
posted by Susan PG at 10:44 AM on December 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
In the long term, in the big picture, is your plan to get back to New City with partner and have children and raise them there? If your dad wasn't sick right now, did you have a plan to stay in New City and find a new job? I think this is relevant because it sounds like you've found a place and partner and a life that is really good for you.
Is there any tiny part of you that feels like you don't deserve this joy and happiness? I hope not, I really hope not.
I'm wondering about all this because I have seen too many people, especially women, put their lives on hold to take care of others, and that has had much longer term consequences than they ever expected, both in terms of their lives and finances. I hear you want to support and take care of your family -- you are already doing that a lot! -- and also I am wondering if you are realistically going to be able, emotionally, to leave your mom and sister after your dad dies.
So, here's another idea to consider: don't move back home permanently but go for a long visit. There are a few paths: look for a job you can do in new city or remotely, and take a sabbatical or somesuch in between. Or go there for, say, six months, long enough to help your mom and have some time with your dad, but not long enough to really live there. It's an extended visit, that's all. Or, you could take some time off and spent more time with them, not while working.
What you have in New City is so much of what you want, and I want to encourage you to prioritize holding onto that and living your life.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:54 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
Is there any tiny part of you that feels like you don't deserve this joy and happiness? I hope not, I really hope not.
I'm wondering about all this because I have seen too many people, especially women, put their lives on hold to take care of others, and that has had much longer term consequences than they ever expected, both in terms of their lives and finances. I hear you want to support and take care of your family -- you are already doing that a lot! -- and also I am wondering if you are realistically going to be able, emotionally, to leave your mom and sister after your dad dies.
So, here's another idea to consider: don't move back home permanently but go for a long visit. There are a few paths: look for a job you can do in new city or remotely, and take a sabbatical or somesuch in between. Or go there for, say, six months, long enough to help your mom and have some time with your dad, but not long enough to really live there. It's an extended visit, that's all. Or, you could take some time off and spent more time with them, not while working.
What you have in New City is so much of what you want, and I want to encourage you to prioritize holding onto that and living your life.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:54 AM on December 12, 2022 [5 favorites]
I don't think for a generic person it's an automatic mental health disaster to move to a major city an hour away from one's hometown, but you aren't a generic person, so YMWV of course. One's experience in Hometown, USA as a working adult vs a teenager would be very different in many (but not all respects). Granted, some characteristics of Hometown, USA aren't going to change (e.g. weather). But as a working adult who has lived outside the family home... you have agency now that you didn't have back then! You know what makes you happy, and how to work to obtain happiness. You've done it once. It's not out of the question that you can do it again (especially if your concerns aren't about intrinsic characteristics of SF).
posted by oceano at 11:28 AM on December 12, 2022
posted by oceano at 11:28 AM on December 12, 2022
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My family lost a loved one after an illness a few years ago. A big thing that helped their partner get through it, and is still helping them, is a support group. I strongly encourage you to help your mother find a support group. Best of luck.
posted by kat518 at 2:22 PM on December 12, 2022
posted by kat518 at 2:22 PM on December 12, 2022
75% of the Time We Spend With Our Kids in Our Lifetime Will Be Spent By Age 12. You've already spent the vast majority of the time you were ever going to spend with your father with him, regardless of whether you go now or not.
You have, if lucky, maybe 50 good years left you could spend with your partner. You're asking her to endure the invasive and costly visa process, for somewhere neither of you want to live. You're leaving your friends behind, and losing years you will never get back to forge deeper friendships; they will be moving on and you "can never go home again". You won't get these young years back and starting over is so hard, and you'll have to do it again when you move back out of the US? You're not losing just "1-2 years", you might be losing all of your pre-kid life, your friends, and probably even your partner, and in the end your father won't even be there to talk to. Spend all your vacation time visiting, maybe. Rush a wedding so he can be there, sure. Maybe even rush a kid. But entirely destroying the life you worked so hard to build? That's too much. You deserve to live it.
posted by flimflam at 4:45 PM on December 12, 2022 [11 favorites]
You have, if lucky, maybe 50 good years left you could spend with your partner. You're asking her to endure the invasive and costly visa process, for somewhere neither of you want to live. You're leaving your friends behind, and losing years you will never get back to forge deeper friendships; they will be moving on and you "can never go home again". You won't get these young years back and starting over is so hard, and you'll have to do it again when you move back out of the US? You're not losing just "1-2 years", you might be losing all of your pre-kid life, your friends, and probably even your partner, and in the end your father won't even be there to talk to. Spend all your vacation time visiting, maybe. Rush a wedding so he can be there, sure. Maybe even rush a kid. But entirely destroying the life you worked so hard to build? That's too much. You deserve to live it.
posted by flimflam at 4:45 PM on December 12, 2022 [11 favorites]
I regularly attend art exhibitions, literary readings, performances. My friends there have introduced me to new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and have encouraged me to work on my own art and writing. I am not sure how to recreate this in SF and Hometown City.
I don't know what New City or Hometown City are, but I can tell you that I specifically moved to and lived in San Francisco for 3 years because of all the new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and it was the best decision I'd ever made for myself. (If it weren't for visa problems I'd have hung around longer.) Things are different because Trump & the rising costs of living prompted a lot of the arts/queer/etc folk to move out, but I'm sure that SF magic is still there.
posted by creatrixtiara at 10:30 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't know what New City or Hometown City are, but I can tell you that I specifically moved to and lived in San Francisco for 3 years because of all the new artistic and intellectual possibilities, and it was the best decision I'd ever made for myself. (If it weren't for visa problems I'd have hung around longer.) Things are different because Trump & the rising costs of living prompted a lot of the arts/queer/etc folk to move out, but I'm sure that SF magic is still there.
posted by creatrixtiara at 10:30 PM on December 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
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