How do I learn to deal with conflict?

August 5, 2024 11:31 AM

I am realising how insanely conflict averse I am. How do I learn to be more comfortable with conflict within friendships and in the workplace, i.e with people I want to maintain a connection with?

2 of my female housemates (early 30s) really get on well and are close, despite one of them only having moved in 7/8 months ago.

Today I had a conversation with one of them let's call her Angela, and she mentioned she had a run in with the other one ( lets call her Steph )over something Steph said that annoyed her. Angela stormed out apparently but they made up later.

They are both looking to move out (not together) and it's annoyed Steph (who I consider the more dominant one) as its clashed with her dates and timings. Angela told me that Steph said to her face that she thinks that Angela "is not thinking about anyone but herself". I winced and said "ouch, she can be very direct" and Angela said "yeah it's all fine, when she crosses a line she will apologise for being too sharp".

And later I heard them chatting amicably in the shared living space together. In short, they seem to have both found a way to manage and deal with conflict within their relationship, more importantly they are able to be relatively honest with each other and their friendship survives.

I also witness this at work where my colleagues can occasionally be irritable and snappy with each other, but I never feel able to be the same, it is too scary for me to go there. I feel like I will end up crying.

I feel incredibly jealous and I'm shocked by the strength of my emotion. I am painfully shy and anxious, a huge people pleaser and doormat. Any conflict like the above would have had me in tears and sad/upset for many days. I would feel like the other person hates me, I in turn would feel unable to forgive.

I'm realising it's a really painful and unhealthy way to live. I'm so fake and "nice", to everyone even when I feel annoyed. I'm 35 but act all fawning and sweet, even though inside I know I can be quite aggressive myself.

I do have a history of trauma and witnessing domestic abuse that no doubt feeds into this. And I know this is probably something for therapy.

But I was wondering if anyone here has any advice around this?

posted by Sunflower88 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I dislike conflict but sometimes one needs to adopt a harder tone. My wife said that an important outcome of one comms course she was was she could tell guys (she was in IT) to Fuck off!

Two books that really shifted communication for me are
Janine Driver's You Say More Than You Think, actually useful body language (that book was written for guys but she does female specific things too) (former ATF field), and Sue Knight's NLP at Work* has been very, been very, very useful.

*neuro linguistic programming - sounds exotic but essentially a way to understand yourself, and to read other people's language, and put that together to say what you need to say, including avoiding (or inserting triggers) and analyse what the other person says or indicates with their body.

Neither author is religious or have agendas other than promoting good communication.
posted by unearthed at 1:09 PM on August 5

I think there's really no way to build this capacity except from the ground up: which means you need to work on your internal sense of self, strengthen your self identity and your capacity to feel good about yourself, comfortable in your skin, etc.

This is not really about developing a high tolerance for conflict, or developing assertiveness skills, etc. I mean you *could* do that, but most people who try to quickfix the surface symptom (people pleasing, low tolerance for honest negative expressions) without fixing the underlying issue end up swinging wildly towards becoming abrasive, rude, harsh, and even explosive towards other people.

This is because people-pleasing tends to build up a LOT of resentment inside you, and when you simply give yourself permission to "stop people pleasing", abruptly and without genuine work on yourself from the inside, all of that pent up resentment is going to come to the surface. You'll see real life examples of this phenomenon on internet communities and tiktok videos that promote the concept of "setting boundaries". The most ardent devotees of these forums and videos (as well as the most passionate content creators) tend to be people pleasers who have given themselves permission to abruptly stop... and in doing so, they torpedo all their relationships, running rough shod over people's feelings. These folks believe in mantras like "no is a complete sentence" and "you don't have to explain yourself or apologize for your boundaries" and other pseudo-badass maxims. And when other people quite predictably experience them as hostile and rejecting and hurtful due to this harsh type of communication, these folks label them as "toxic" or "narcissists" or "controlling" or whatever the buzzword of the day may be.

So even though it may feel tempting to go watch all these boundary-setting badassery videos and listen to all the people who tell you to snap your fingers and drop your burden of people-pleasing overnight, please don't go that way. Instead, work on developing your sense of self, AS yourself - not in reaction to other people but just you. Just as an example:

Rather than frame your problem as you being a people pleaser - a framing that brings other people into the equation - frame it as "I don't express my needs and wants" and thus keep the focus squarely on yourself for now, without reference to others.
----------- Ask what is happening inside you when you do this? Without judging, with only gentle curiosity. You will probably find that you don't even know what you want and prefer, a lot of the time. Not only when it comes to interactions with other people, but even just when you're by yourself.
----------------------- If that's true for you, then start a new practice INTERNALLY. Every day, maybe even every hour, check in with yourself. Ask "Hmm, what would I like, without reference to anybody else, right this second?" and just.... tell yourself the answer. No pressure to act on it. No pressure to ask for it out loud. This is about building the regular, perpetual habit of checking in on *you*.

Another example, rather than frame your problem as conflict avoidance - which is a framing that centers other people's feelings and your desire to take care of others - frame it as "I don't express my true feelings" and thus keep the focus on you internally.
----------- Again, ask what exactly is the process going on inside you when you don't express negative feelings? with gentle curiosity towards yourself. You will probably find that you don't even express your negative feelings to yourself, inside your own head. You likely have a very harsh, punitive critic inside your head who shuts down all negative judgments and feelings towards other people or outside events. Your inner critic likely makes you feel like a bad person if you have a thought such as "wow this woman is so rude!"
----------------------- If that's true, then start a new practice INTERNALLY of constantly checking in with yourself about how you really feel about other people in this moment. Be honest inside your own head. "I feel hurt and erased because of this person's words and actions!" or "There's a chance this person will steamroll over me because they have such a strong personality! I feel my guard going up!" and so on.

These are examples of how you can BEGIN the process of internal work, by starting to un-erase yourself and de-invisible yourself just inside your own mind. You don't have to do anything differently externally yet. Practice self-focus and identifying your own needs/wants/emotions honestly inside your brain for a start. Because what happens is, when you develop a strong sense of self through the practice of self-focus, you start to lose your extreme levels of buried/denied anger and resentment against both yourself and the people you are trying to please. This helps you foster honesty WITH kindness, the type of honesty that does not torpedo your relationships but rather enhances it.

I also recommend that you get professional help from a therapist. Therapy is another space where you can practice identifying, and take it a step further by verbalizing to someone else, the things that you feel/need/want without considering or reacting to anyone else.

I strongly recommend the books of Dr. Harriet Lerner. The Dance of Connection, The Dance of Anger, etc. are absolute must-reads on the subject of how to develop self-focus, and why developing self-focus is the necessary first step before you can have loving conflict (yes, *loving* conflict!) and hold loving boundaries.
posted by MiraK at 1:35 PM on August 5 [19 favorites]

It sounds to me like you would greatly benefit from some medication to help mitigate your social anxiety, so you can begin to develop skills and experiences and relearn confidence and assertiveness without your whole body freaking out about it.

Ideally, you would be able to work with a therapist simultaneously, and also have regular consultations with a psychiatrist to talk about the meds specifically. That way you can establish if it would be a wise goal to stop taking medication for the issue after you’ve got to a more balanced place. A lot of times, especially if issues have cropped up due to trauma, people can get stuck in a spiral of ineffective counseling and aimless self improvement, and medication is what’s needed as that hand up to even begin these extremely complicated and difficult processes.

Also, your thirties are the perfect time to start deliberately working on your sense of self and your confidence. Frankly, you are ahead of the game - most people don’t have half the amount of self awareness you’ve displayed in this question even in their fifties.
posted by Mizu at 2:28 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

I found the book When Anger Scares You by John Lynch to be immensely helpful.
posted by lapis at 3:11 PM on August 5 [3 favorites]

What jumps out to me in your question is that you're conflating emotional dysregulation (storming off, snapping) as successfully expressing conflict, and being able to tolerate/engage dysregulation as key to handling conflict. I mean yes, sometimes it really is best to yell - for example, if someone gropes you in public. But generally, especially co-workers and housemates, conflict is better dealt with calmly.

Of course, as you realize, you don't always have a choice - sometimes people treat you poorly when you've done little to nothing to deserve it. Something my mom imparted to me that I often return to, is when she'd have to interact with a really miserable/mean/rude person, she'd saying something to the effect of "Well, it might make me temporarily miserable to have to occasionally interact with that person, but at least I don't have to be that miserable person 24/7." If someone is projecting a lot of negativity on you, it's always more about them than you, and so you always come out ahead. I find reminding myself of this helps me feel empathy for the difficult person, and not take it personally. And of course sometimes, the best way to deal with conflict is to disengage - for example, if you find yourself in a toxic workplace with an abusive boss, you're better off quitting than trying to solve the conflict.

In terms of when to advocate for yourself and how - I think it's helpful when choosing battles to boil down what the shared main goal is, and only address problems that get in the way of that goal. So, living with housemates the main goal is usually everyone getting along well enough. If you complained about every little thing a housemate did that annoyed you, that would not contribute to the main goal. But if a housemate is regularly making so much noise you are sleep deprived, that's a major problem, and so you'd be right to raise the issue with them.
posted by coffeecat at 3:43 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

i am sorry to hear about the trauma in your past. it's great that you are working on building your confidence! there's a lot of good advice above, especially therapy. the idea of self-focus, more than being a 'people pleaser,' makes a lot of sense. another slight adjustment may help you bring the awareness that you have of your power inside out into the world: instead of 'aggressive,' the idea of being 'assertive,' i.e. you are just asserting what is important to you. good luck!
posted by HearHere at 4:14 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

Can you practice being more assertive in small ways:

- Politely return a dirty glass or fork at a restaurant, without fawning. "Hi! I just notice that this cup has some schmutz in it, may I trouble you for another one please?"

- Ask a cab driver to take the route you want. "Hello! I'm going to City Centre, could you take Main Street over to Water Street please?"

- Buy and return an item to a store. "Hi, I'd like to return this, it didn't work out."

- Take an unused chair from an occupied table in a busy food court. "Hi, is anyone using this chair? OK if I grab it? Thanks!"

Just find small ways to practice asserting yourself respectfully with strangers who you'll never see again. It really helps build up the muscle for small social stresses.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:21 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

From your other questions, it seems very likely that you are neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people often suffer from Rejection Sensitivity, which is a strong fear response to anything that feels like judgement or conflict.

This article gives some practical advice on how to deal with it

From the article:

Do you often feel intense emotional reactions in response to perceived criticism or rejection?

Are you highly sensitive to others' opinions of you, even when they are not negative?

Do you experience overwhelming anxiety or fear in anticipation of situations where judgment or evaluation may occur?

Are you prone to self-doubt, low self-esteem, or negative self-talk following perceived criticism?

Do you find it challenging to navigate social or professional situations due to the fear of rejection?

Have you noticed that your emotional responses to rejection or criticism are disproportionate to the situation?

Do you frequently engage in people pleasing behaviors to avoid potential rejection or criticism?

Scroll down to find the practical advice on how you can manage this.

More generally, the things I figured out about avoiding conflict are: I'm not avoiding conflict if I'm constantly ruminating about whatever is going on, I'm just in conflict with myself. Ruminating hurts me and makes the situation worse. I can't stop ruminating but I can become aware of it and manage it by kindly interrupting myself and directing my attention elsewhere.

I have to watch for a tendency in myself to want to control others if I'm in conflict with them. Other people have thoughts and emotions about me and that's none of my business. It's not my job to make them think or feel differently. Accepting that makes it a lot easier to get over unpleasant interactions with others.
posted by Zumbador at 8:59 PM on August 5 [7 favorites]

The thing is there are people at both extremes (some don't get offended at all, some get offended and nurture grudges for life) and people at all points in between.

So there are people you can freely have some conflict with because you've learned that it won't turn into a lifelong feud - people like your roommates, apparently, and your colleagues. Do keep in mind that people like this also often take steps you might not be seeing to tend the relationships after a conflict: when they've been offended themselves, they keep things in perspective and tell themselves things like "yeah it's all fine, that's just how she is" or "Sunflower must be under some stress" or "it must be one of those days"; they might go out of their way to be amicable afterwards or just act like everything's normal. And when they've been the offending party, they're especially likely to go out of their way and be amicable, or just act like everything's normal.

In other words, this isn't a thing for them -
I would feel like the other person hates me, I in turn would feel unable to forgive.
- Neither the thinking the other person must hate them, nor hating them and being unforgiving towards them in return.

I think in order to get better at this, you have to work on both parts, and maybe the second should be your first priority. When someone makes you angry or annoyed, practice thinking things like "yeah it's all fine, that's just how she is", "she must be under some stress", "it must be one of those days", "we all get like that sometimes". Practice seeing the humanity under the behavior. Practice treating them the next day amicably, like nothing happened. (Obviously this doesn't make sense for cases where someone does something really terrible, but that's normally a very small portion of all conflicts.)

It's easier to be less afraid of people's wrath, hatred, or judgment when you're less prone to anger, hatred, or judgment yourself. I'm very judgmental so when I put myself in other people's shoes I project my judgmental tendencies onto them; paying attention to other people's non-judgmental takes, and practicing seeing those angles more and more automatically myself, helps me with that.

Also learning which people are on where on the grudge-no grudge spectrum is helpful because I think one way to practice having conflict peaceably is to have it with relatively safe people - the ones on the no-grudge end of things. That way you start to learn what it feels like to have someone either not get sore at you at all, or get briefly sore at you but not in a deep way; you can start telling yourself "it's not that big a deal, it'll be fine tomorrow" and be right.


One more thing -
I'm so fake and "nice", to everyone even when I feel annoyed. I'm 35 but act all fawning and sweet, even though inside I know I can be quite aggressive myself.

I know what you mean and I know how it feels to be that way and hate it.

That said, it's worth thinking about when your actual behavior is a problem and when it isn't (as opposed to the motivations for your behavior). Because if there's something you actually need to say and can't say it, that's a problem worth working on. If you're letting yourself get steamrolled continuously and just always giving way, that's a problem worth working on. On the other hand, not letting your inner aggression out carelessly like a lot of people do, not yelling at people or slamming doors or hurling accusations or all those other things - that's not a bad thing. The fact that other people pull that crap sucks and makes life worse in a lot of ways for the people around them (unless they're the type who don't take any of it personally - and there are not a lot of people quite that far down the spectrum). The world is full of steamrollers and people who refuse to give way on anything, and they suck and make the world worse.

Basically, you want your niceness and gentleness to be coming from a place of strength and good judgment, not fear. You want to give way when you feel it's the wise or generous thing to do, not because you're afraid to stand up for yourself. But niceness and gentleness and giving way aren't bad things in and of themselves. They're something the world needs more of.
posted by trig at 4:25 AM on August 6 [1 favorite]

From reading your question it sounds like you might be most jealous of the ability of people to forgive and forget. Or at least forgive. Being able to forgive is often hard for survivors of abuse, and so it can also be hard to see others do it so freely. Knowing that you can enforce a boundary or act more genuinely around others and be forgiven for it–even embraced for it–can give you more power in these situations.
posted by Ookseer at 6:11 AM on August 6 [1 favorite]