How to get an overzealous neighbour to chill out?

May 10, 2024 11:10 AM

I've recently become friends with a neighbour, but she wants to see me and talk to me waaaaaay more than I want to see and talk to her. How to get her to cool her jets without making her feel bad?

She's a really nice person, and I don't mind the idea of hanging out with her once a week, but she wants to see me everyday and she texts and calls all. the. time. Like, she will forward me 10 tik tok videos in less than 24 hours. I don't like tik tok, I have no desire to get into tik tok, and I often don't even find tik toks she sends me funny or interesting. Ignoring them doesn't work--she just continues to send them. Same with the phone calls.

I am at the beginning of a medical leave due to workplace burnout; she is on longterm disability. I think she feels like I'm free to hangout all the time because we're both on leave, but I am a super introverted loner/highly sensitive person, and I need lots of time to myself, especially while I'm recovering. I've tried to explain this to her, but she continues to pester me and it's stressing me out.

She also wants to bring me stuff (ie: random grocery items; treats for my cat) all the time and I don't want that stuff. Then she'll be like, "you can pay me back later", which means I'm now feeling obliged to pay for things I didn't want to start with! It's starting to make me feel really smothered and will eventually make me not want hang out at all.

It should also be noted that I am on the crossover floor for my building, meaning it's not a locked floor--anyone in the building can access it at anytime. She's always on my floor to use the gym and to visit her friends down the hall. I really don't want to make being in the common areas a stressful or awkward experience for me, as I need to keep my stressors as low as possible while I try to recover from my burnout.

As I said, I don't hate her. When I'm up for it, I find her company pleasant enough. But I only want to see her once a week, max. How can I communicate this in a way that's kind but also very clear? She's on a medical leave for mental health reasons (depression and anxiety), so the kind part is really important.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I'd go with one firm but friendly message "Hey neighbor, it appears we have pretty different relationships to technology/phones - I'm one of those people whose life is still mainly analog so nothing personal, but daily texts and phone calls aren't for me. I also prefer to do my own grocery shopping. Hope this doesn't come off wrong, I really do enjoy our weekly hangouts!"

Then if she continues...well, just ignore.
posted by coffeecat at 11:27 AM on May 10 [4 favorites]

I wouldn’t see her once a week. I’d tell her you need to recuperate and can’t respond to messages and don’t have the bandwidth. I have migraine (very serious) and a certain person still thinks it’s okay to call me multiple times and come over if I don’t answer the phone. These are people who haven’t responded to limits and I wish I’d not given them any rope to start with.
posted by pairofshades at 11:31 AM on May 10 [15 favorites]

In trying to curb certain behaviors in people like this, the most important thing is to not make an excuse because the other person will immediately solve your fake problem and continue on with the behavior you were trying to curb. For example, if they want to do X and you say you have to wash your hair/have an appointment/whatever, they will say no problem, we can do it tomorrow! I'll wash your hair for you! Whatever. So try to find statements that can't be sidestepped. For your situation, I would break it out into specific problems and address them individually. For example, when she sends you a TikTok, you could say:

This is weird, but you are a very kind person and I know you'll understand. I am burned out on TikToks, and getting them stresses me out. Can I ask you not to send me any more videos? Then if she sends one, say "oh, I can't do TikToks, remember?" if it happens a third time you can say, "We have talked about this twice. I am burned out on TikToks and they stress me out. Is there a reason you are ignoring my request?"

When she buys you something you don't want, you could say "Because of my burnout and the issues I had at $PLACE I really need to be the person who shops for stuff and brings it home. I won't be able to use anything you buy for me, and I don't want you to be on the hook having paid for that stuff, so please do not surprise me with treats/gifts." If she gives you something, give it back and say "I appreciate the thought, but like I said before, I really can't accept anything."

It might feel weird and bitchy to have these conversations! But this person steamrolling your boundaries at the EXACT time you are trying to recover from a shitty, stressful workplace situation that left you burned out and on medical leave. You don't want to get halfway into your leave and realize you're not resting enough or restoring yourself because you didn't want to push back on your kind but clueless neighbor. I think she's engaging in these behaviors partially because you haven't said you don't want them! You are a highly sensitive person so you KNOW when someone isn't interested in something. She has no idea when someone doesn't want something, and she won't be offended by being told.

I wish you the absolute best of luck, and a very restful recovery. Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you!
posted by kate blank at 11:49 AM on May 10 [53 favorites]

Feels natural that you could go with "Because of my recovery..." or "My health needs right now mean..."
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:51 AM on May 10 [3 favorites]

Not sure it's possible without it making her feel bad, but that's not your fault! Your only obligation is to be kind if you can. Certainly NOT to take unasked for grocery items, and especially ones she expects you to pay for. UGH, absolutely not.

This is hard, because of the shared spaces. She's probably pushed a lot of people away with this behavior. Maybe:

"You are a really nice person, but I am really picky about what comes into my house, so thank you but please don't bring any more stuff over."

"I am working on some health issues and don't have time for all the social media. All the messages are overwhelming for me, and actually I don't like TikTok. I should have said something sooner."

I hope you feel better! And I hope you get this worked out.
posted by Glinn at 11:55 AM on May 10 [12 favorites]

Neighbors are tough. Any time you decline an invite you run a risk of rubbing them the wrong way.

I was friendly and mildly social with our neighbors, but when it became clear that they generally prefer to split up by gender with the men getting drunk off of macrobrews in the garage and the women getting drunk off of wine in the kitchen, it just wasn't my jam.

Now I am "that guy who thinks he's too good for us." Continuing to be friendly, even if I don't socialize is wearing them back down over time.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:56 AM on May 10 [3 favorites]

This is in all likelihood going to require a very direct (and kind!) conversation. If that's something you're not comfortable with (and many, many people are not), you may want to ask yourself, would you rather continue to have this issue in a year, two years, five years? or would you rather have a cool, even frosty, relationship with your neighbor? Because those may be the two options you're looking at (and to be clear, a frosty relationship post-conversation all depends on your neighbor and her reaction). It's also quite possible you have the conversation, it's awkward for a short while, and then together you find your way to a friendship that works for both of you. In fact, that really is the most likely result (or it gradually just subsides on its own).

(And this post made me think of the grandparent who forwards dozens of "funny" emails every day, thinking everyone wants that many emails all the time. And yes, I had one of those.)
posted by Meldanthral at 12:28 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

Develop a "Nope!" routine. Let her know immediately that you need a lot more quiet time than she apparently needs, and tell her you're just going to start saying "Nope!" to her a lot, not to be unfriendly, but just to say that you just can't do the people thing. Explain it. Exaggerate it if that's what it takes to make it clear to her.
"I have realized what's best for me. I don't want or need anything but solitude. If I don't nope out of social interactions and get lots and lots and lots of quiet alone time, I will go off the rails. If I start telling you 'Nope!' that's exactly what I'm talking about. I vant to be alone." The key is to get it all off your chest at once and equate all that with a simple "Nope!" that you can start using like a flag without having to conjure up further excuses every time. You can even give her a preemptive "Nope!" if it looks like she's headed your way.
Q: Do you want to have lunch? A: Nope!
Q: Feel like a walk? A: Nope!
Q: Mind if I come over? A: Nope! I mean Yep! I mind! You know what I mean. Nope!
Q: Hey, I was wondering... A: Nope!
And just ignore her online. Ghost her. That's the easiest thing to do.
Let her think you're weird or unfriendly. Do you care? Nope! She'll find someone else to glom on to after you've noped her enough times.
posted by pracowity at 12:48 PM on May 10 [11 favorites]

You have burnout. Tell her clearly that you need down time and will contact her if you are available to visit. Decide how often you want to see her, then contact her that often. Every time she contacts you in person I'm not available, I have very limited availability. If she texts you delete the text. If she texts you a lot, tell her the frequent notifications are disruptive and you've silenced her texts. She's super-needy. You do not currently have energy for her needs. That's okay. It's okay to block her, to delete messages, to not answer the door. She brings stuff, you say No Thank You. Be very consistent, and disengage. Every answer here is going to give you permission to not engage as bluntly as is necessary. This is not unkind; she is being invasive and a civil No is reasonable. Taking care of yourself, being quiet and alone, does not require explanation.

If you want to hang out with her once a week, think of a potential shared activity. A walk, watch a show, play a game, then enforce your need for solitude.
posted by theora55 at 1:54 PM on May 10 [6 favorites]

People with poor boundaries sometimes need incredibly specific and direct feedback. One advantage of this: if you give them these very clear boundaries and they don't respect them, it makes it super clear to you that the best approach is to step away further. Also, I would not give reasons, because then she might be waiting for those reasons to end. It's enough that you are asking.

I might say (in person?) something like, "Hey neighbor. I enjoy seeing you once a week at [day and time or whatever you do]. Please do not send me Tik Toks or call me other times. Please don't knock on my door at other times. It's been too much for me. I feel awkward saying this, and I realize it might not feel good, but the volume of messaging and contact has been too much for me. I think you're great, and I am looking forward to seeing you [at time]."

Texting this is okay, though. Saying it in person would at least mean she might not blow up your phone in response.

For context: I had a friend who messaged me a LOT, and it really ramped up after a breakup. I think he was sad and lonely and just started sending me everything he would have sent to his ex-partner. Some of it didn't mean anything to me. It was a dozen or more gifs or memes a day, or links to videos, typically without any context. I had no interest in it and had to be incredibly direct about it all. He kept going, so I essentially broke up with him as a friend. The boundary violations made it an easier call for me.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:13 PM on May 10 [4 favorites]

turn off alerts for their texts and calls. if they notice you're not responding say you have alerts off because they were distracting. if they don't notice keep calm and carry on.
posted by zippy at 5:04 PM on May 10 [6 favorites]

Always set a time for your next meet-up, then refer everything to that. It feels more civil to say what you can do, not what you can't do. When she initiates something, demur and remind her (gently, cheerfully) that you're looking forward to catching up next Tuesday (or whatever.)
posted by dum spiro spero at 5:18 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

Hey friend, I wanted to share an health update with you. After a discussion with my doctor the other day we agreed that I need to take additional measures to help support my recovery. I need to be really strict about my social media and tech use. In addition, I need to do a better job about managing my energy and sticking to a routine. This means I need your support and understanding. Right now, I need to put on my own oxygen mask first. Realistically, I don’t have the bandwidth to interact with good friends / awesome individuals like your self in person more than x times per month or exchange the occasional texts every [interval]. Checking social media (like TikTok) is completely out. Can we get a regular meet up* on our schedules so we both have something to look forward to? I will of course reach out in the meantime if I need any thing.

*I would suggest meeting during the work day, so you have a built in justification to change your meet up cadence once you return to work.
posted by oceano at 9:17 PM on May 10 [5 favorites]

Captain Awkward gives incredibly good advice about this kind of problem. Here is one recent example that is somewhat similar to yours. Read her answer and the other linked answers and it will, I hope, give you the confidence to figure out what you really need and the confidence to make it happen. Good Luck!
posted by metahawk at 10:59 PM on May 10 [2 favorites]

People with depression and anxiety often struggle with thoughts that no one cares about them or thinks about them, and often avoid people when instead they truly crave social interaction. Everything you say she does sounds like it's something she would probably appreciate someone doing for her, but she doesn't know you well enough to realize it's having the opposite effect.

Have this conversation in person. Tell her you've noticed she's really been showing you a lot of kindness lately, reaching out often, bringing you food, bringing treats for [cat name], and you appreciate that a lot. From her end, I genuinely think she's being very caring of you in her mind. If she doesn't know you don't like Tik Tok, then she's just sending you things she thinks you'll enjoy or find funny. She's sharing things she thinks might improve your day. She's calling you to keep in contact, to let you know someone wants to talk to you. She probably brings you groceries in hopes that you like them and to make sure you're fed (people with depression can often find it difficult to make food and eat), and showing affection for your cat by bringing it treats, showing love for something you love.

Then tell her it's not working for you. "I'm on leave because of workplace burnout. Interacting with other people is extremely stressful for me right now. I need to chill and be alone and do my own thing. It's a relief to be alone and it's medically necessary that I be alone for as much time as I need."

Say this directly, don't hedge anything. "Softening" this part is not kindness because it makes your feelings and boundaries murkier, not clearer. Directness is kindness here.

She might interrupt you with anxious apologizing, if she does ask her to let you finish and then keep going. You don't need her to apologize. You do not hate her. You do not want her to feel bad. You know she can't read your mind, and that's why you're telling her directly that you need to be alone.

"Again, thank you for being so kind, but the kindest thing you can do for me right now is let me be alone. But, I like you and I like hanging out with you. I want to keep our friendship. Can we meet up once a week from now on? That's all the energy I have. I need to be left alone the rest of the time." If she says yes, figure out a date and time. You could also ask if what she was doing is the kind of thing that makes her feel cared for, and if that's why she was doing it for you?

You said she has other friends, even friends in the same building that she visits often. You're not in a situation where some clingy boundary pusher has latched on to you as her only source of social interaction. She's a nice person trying to be nice to you. Have a conversation about it and go from there. Give her a nod and a smile if your eyes meet in the halls on an off day, don't act like she doesn't exist, but don't stop to talk.

I think this would be a kind and clear way to handle this and that it has a low potential for drama. If she ignores everything you said and continues to act exactly the same way, get harsher, but try talking it out. Depression and anxiety can also make you self-absorbed, she may just need that "OP is serious, and they're a different person, what helps me doesn't necessarily help them" reality check as well.
posted by tsunpei at 7:14 AM on May 11 [5 favorites]

Make sure you book the once a week meet up as an actual appointment - eg 12 lunchtime on Saturday.

Then each time she tries to chat, or engage in conversation, repeat variations on, that you're a bit burnt out, but will see her on Saturday.
Oh, you'll have to talk about x topic when you see her on Saturday! If she wants to hang out before then, again, you'll see her on Saturday.

Anxious friends tend to be more reassured because you've let them know you do want to see them, but reaffirmed when, and you keep very firm to the boundary of how often you can see them and have it still be enjoyable for you.

It's really common to have an asymmetry in how often two people want to hang out, this is the best way I've found so far...
posted by Elysum at 9:03 PM on May 11 [1 favorite]

Something I forgot to mention: she might think she's doing you a big favor. Poor, lonely, sad, burned out you, all you need is some nurturing. That sort of thing. As soon as she sees that you definitely don't want the constant attention, she might be totally happy to back the hell off.
posted by pracowity at 12:43 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]