How do I get my mojo back post COVID?
July 11, 2024 10:12 AM Subscribe
I can't muster the wherewithal to do simple things like cash a check, let alone bigger things like planning a vacation or figuring out what doctor to talk to about this. I feel less engaged and comfortable at work. Most of the stuff I used to do for fun seems to require too much energy. I've been avoiding problems, debts, conversations and that's just adding to the overall pile of "you're a bad person and it's all hopeless"
What's one simple/easy thing I can do to help give me some grip to move again through what I guess is the fog of depression? A habit, an app, something stupid. I need to shake this malaise.
Prior to COVID and the lockdowns, I wasn't perfect. I paid the bills, went to the gym, felt generally in control of life with a modicum of depression (runs in the family) and anxiety, but all manageable and at bay.
COVID hit and the resulting anxiety of "global pandemic that turns shit lungs to concrete" mixed with "your parents are dying as is your favorite pet" has never seemed to go away or ease up.
Drank too much, cut way back on that - even eliminating it at one point. Didn't change any feelings of dread. Don't do any other drugs unless collecting dogs and eating cheese counts. (The eating is part of my problem)
Did talk therapy for a while, but that didn't help any. I know Prozac does wonders for others in my family, but it makes me squeamish in a way that treating other issues doesn't. (Not my unique muskmelon!) I don't even know who I'd talk to say "hey, give me something to make my brain a little less frozen".
All I seem to be able to do is simmer in a routine defined by "get up, make breakfast, tend to the spouse and animals, sit in a fog at work, play video games, make dinner, walk the dogs, go to bed". I keep a bland and unconcerned face about it but my partner can see that I'm grinding and I can't really talk to them because they doesn't handle it well when I'm not sturdy.
I feel like even getting back into the gym would help, but the inertial wall feels too high.
Even writing this anonymously has taken me a month and that feels pathetic. I also know that's being radically unkind to myself. To alleviate any concerns, I'm not suicidal, no ideation along those lines, just very, very tired and stuck
Prior to COVID and the lockdowns, I wasn't perfect. I paid the bills, went to the gym, felt generally in control of life with a modicum of depression (runs in the family) and anxiety, but all manageable and at bay.
COVID hit and the resulting anxiety of "global pandemic that turns shit lungs to concrete" mixed with "your parents are dying as is your favorite pet" has never seemed to go away or ease up.
Drank too much, cut way back on that - even eliminating it at one point. Didn't change any feelings of dread. Don't do any other drugs unless collecting dogs and eating cheese counts. (The eating is part of my problem)
Did talk therapy for a while, but that didn't help any. I know Prozac does wonders for others in my family, but it makes me squeamish in a way that treating other issues doesn't. (Not my unique muskmelon!) I don't even know who I'd talk to say "hey, give me something to make my brain a little less frozen".
All I seem to be able to do is simmer in a routine defined by "get up, make breakfast, tend to the spouse and animals, sit in a fog at work, play video games, make dinner, walk the dogs, go to bed". I keep a bland and unconcerned face about it but my partner can see that I'm grinding and I can't really talk to them because they doesn't handle it well when I'm not sturdy.
I feel like even getting back into the gym would help, but the inertial wall feels too high.
Even writing this anonymously has taken me a month and that feels pathetic. I also know that's being radically unkind to myself. To alleviate any concerns, I'm not suicidal, no ideation along those lines, just very, very tired and stuck
Do you maybe have long COVID? Can you talk to your doctor about that possibility?
posted by number9dream at 10:28 AM on July 11 [6 favorites]
posted by number9dream at 10:28 AM on July 11 [6 favorites]
I think exercise could help. If going to the gym is too much right now, how about an easy Youtube video, something like yoga/stretching/pilates? If that seems like too much, what about starting with five minutes or picking a single stretch to start your day with?
Could you try an alternative to making breakfast and dinner (spouse makes it/order out/meal kit/frozen meals/girl dinner/etc) to free up some time and energy?
posted by wheatlets at 10:31 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]
Could you try an alternative to making breakfast and dinner (spouse makes it/order out/meal kit/frozen meals/girl dinner/etc) to free up some time and energy?
posted by wheatlets at 10:31 AM on July 11 [2 favorites]
Didn't change any feelings of dread.
If this helps at all, I'm stuck in the space too, if you add in hopelessness and helplessness. I'll keep an eye on this thread, but want you to know you are not alone.
As to the gym thing: you're really smart to key on that as your keystone. For me, I got there in steps: first day, I set a goal to set out my gym clothes in a visible place. That's it. If I wanted to do more, that was ok, but not required.
Next day it was put the gym shorts on. That's it. I sat down on the couch and decided if I wanted to do the next thing (I didn't).
Next day was the full outfit.
Next day was full outfit and sit in the car.
Next day was full outfit, drive to the parking lot of the gym. That's it.
Next day was parking lot... and use ONE machine for ONE rep, and then go home if I wanted.
The key was to give myself permission to quit after I'd completed any of those steps. Some part of my brain needed to DO the tiny thing, sit there, and have a body-knowledge reminder that I didn't fall apart.
I hope any of this helps. And heartfelt luck as you find your way back.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:32 AM on July 11 [7 favorites]
If this helps at all, I'm stuck in the space too, if you add in hopelessness and helplessness. I'll keep an eye on this thread, but want you to know you are not alone.
As to the gym thing: you're really smart to key on that as your keystone. For me, I got there in steps: first day, I set a goal to set out my gym clothes in a visible place. That's it. If I wanted to do more, that was ok, but not required.
Next day it was put the gym shorts on. That's it. I sat down on the couch and decided if I wanted to do the next thing (I didn't).
Next day was the full outfit.
Next day was full outfit and sit in the car.
Next day was full outfit, drive to the parking lot of the gym. That's it.
Next day was parking lot... and use ONE machine for ONE rep, and then go home if I wanted.
The key was to give myself permission to quit after I'd completed any of those steps. Some part of my brain needed to DO the tiny thing, sit there, and have a body-knowledge reminder that I didn't fall apart.
I hope any of this helps. And heartfelt luck as you find your way back.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:32 AM on July 11 [7 favorites]
I keep a bland and unconcerned face about it but my partner can see that I'm grinding and I can't really talk to them because they doesn't handle it well when I'm not sturdy.
Also... I don't like this at all for you. It would certainly drain my energy to be living with someone I felt like I had to constantly keep a stoic face for, and to have a partner I couldn't talk about my problems with.
posted by wheatlets at 10:34 AM on July 11 [11 favorites]
Also... I don't like this at all for you. It would certainly drain my energy to be living with someone I felt like I had to constantly keep a stoic face for, and to have a partner I couldn't talk about my problems with.
posted by wheatlets at 10:34 AM on July 11 [11 favorites]
get up, make breakfast, tend to the spouse and animals, ... make dinner, walk the dogs, go to bed
For what it's worth, I've had long stretches where none of those - literally - were things I was able to do regularly (including actually getting myself in bed at night and turning off the light and going to sleep).
It's not a fix or anything, but next time you get up, make breakfast, do the tending, get yourself to work and back, make dinner, walk a dog, and get yourself into bed at the end of the day, take a second to realize you've done a thing, and appreciate yourself for it.
Get medical things checked out and ruled out to the extent possible - you might have something run of the mill like anemia or a thyroid issue or a vitamin deficiency, and you might have something less easy to diagnose like long covid.
Personally I would do the medical checkups first before looking at depression, anhedonia, anxiety, and the like, though maybe you prefer the opposite order. I would, frankly, tell doctors I absolutely do not suffer and never have ever suffered from depression or anxiety until they've done their best to rule other things out, because in my experience doctors have been really, really quick to suggest that my problems were purely psychological. However, ymmv and maybe that isn't the best approach.
I feel like even getting back into the gym would help, but the inertial wall feels too high.
If you've ruled out long covid, then can your spouse do some tending of you and take you out on a daily fast walk or other activity? If that's impossible for them to do, then a friend, or maybe there's a neighborhood [activity] group? Sign up for a sports-type class once a week?
Do you ever get to just do something nice for yourself? Get a massage, go to a concert?
In my worst period of depression, where the things you do on a daily basis were out of my reach for months, what finally got me to turn the corner was being invited to participate in a volunteer thing. I managed to drag myself out that one day, spent a few hours in the company of people doing something that felt worthwhile and different, and that was somehow the turning point.
If signing up for an activity or doctor's appointment is too hard right now, then tell your spouse you need them to do it for you, and if they can't then another family member or friend. But if your spouse really can't, then that might be one of the reasons you feel so overloaded. And I agree that them needing you to be "sturdy" is not really okay, and the question is how much they need that versus how much you're telling yourself you need to be that for them.
posted by trig at 10:49 AM on July 11 [7 favorites]
For what it's worth, I've had long stretches where none of those - literally - were things I was able to do regularly (including actually getting myself in bed at night and turning off the light and going to sleep).
It's not a fix or anything, but next time you get up, make breakfast, do the tending, get yourself to work and back, make dinner, walk a dog, and get yourself into bed at the end of the day, take a second to realize you've done a thing, and appreciate yourself for it.
Get medical things checked out and ruled out to the extent possible - you might have something run of the mill like anemia or a thyroid issue or a vitamin deficiency, and you might have something less easy to diagnose like long covid.
Personally I would do the medical checkups first before looking at depression, anhedonia, anxiety, and the like, though maybe you prefer the opposite order. I would, frankly, tell doctors I absolutely do not suffer and never have ever suffered from depression or anxiety until they've done their best to rule other things out, because in my experience doctors have been really, really quick to suggest that my problems were purely psychological. However, ymmv and maybe that isn't the best approach.
I feel like even getting back into the gym would help, but the inertial wall feels too high.
If you've ruled out long covid, then can your spouse do some tending of you and take you out on a daily fast walk or other activity? If that's impossible for them to do, then a friend, or maybe there's a neighborhood [activity] group? Sign up for a sports-type class once a week?
Do you ever get to just do something nice for yourself? Get a massage, go to a concert?
In my worst period of depression, where the things you do on a daily basis were out of my reach for months, what finally got me to turn the corner was being invited to participate in a volunteer thing. I managed to drag myself out that one day, spent a few hours in the company of people doing something that felt worthwhile and different, and that was somehow the turning point.
If signing up for an activity or doctor's appointment is too hard right now, then tell your spouse you need them to do it for you, and if they can't then another family member or friend. But if your spouse really can't, then that might be one of the reasons you feel so overloaded. And I agree that them needing you to be "sturdy" is not really okay, and the question is how much they need that versus how much you're telling yourself you need to be that for them.
posted by trig at 10:49 AM on July 11 [7 favorites]
I would, frankly, tell doctors I absolutely do not suffer and never have ever suffered from depression or anxiety until they've done their best to rule other things out, because in my experience doctors have been really, really quick to suggest that my problems were purely psychological.
This part of the comment deserves emphasis.
posted by wheatlets at 10:50 AM on July 11 [8 favorites]
This part of the comment deserves emphasis.
posted by wheatlets at 10:50 AM on July 11 [8 favorites]
Ask your doctor about:
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:07 AM on July 11 [1 favorite]
- antidepressants (your muskmelon is not unique, although your experience of living is.)
- a sleep study (my intense post-Covid malaise turned out to be in part due to unrelated sleep apnea) -- these can be conducted at home now, at least at a low-fidelity level.
- a full blood workup, including thyroid levels (T3, TSH and free T4).
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:07 AM on July 11 [1 favorite]
I'd be curious about
Hypothyroid
Perimenopause if you have ovaries
Perimenopause exacerbating ADHD
Sleep Apnea
Vitamin B, D, and Iron levels
Straight up burnout?
Hope you feel better soon.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:49 AM on July 11 [4 favorites]
Hypothyroid
Perimenopause if you have ovaries
Perimenopause exacerbating ADHD
Sleep Apnea
Vitamin B, D, and Iron levels
Straight up burnout?
Hope you feel better soon.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:49 AM on July 11 [4 favorites]
I would definitely start with a medical work up, including a serious discussion about the possibility of long covid, before diving into any kind of exercise regimen. That alone can be a lot to get through when you’re feeling as foggy and low energy as you are, so it’s fine if you don’t do anything else or make a “what next?” plan now. If you can make a doctor’s appointment and keep some notes between now and then on your symptoms, you’ll be doing the most important thing.
posted by Stacey at 12:25 PM on July 11 [2 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 12:25 PM on July 11 [2 favorites]
(Incidentally, the reason not to do more exercise before ruling out long covid is that exertion tends to make it worse. Exercise is helpful for many conditions but can be very harmful for the long covid/cfs/fibromyalgia cluster.)
posted by trig at 2:26 PM on July 11 [6 favorites]
posted by trig at 2:26 PM on July 11 [6 favorites]
"cash a check" — install your bank or credit union's app, then scan and deposit checks
"planning a vacation" — try Wanderlog; consider re-creating a previously-enjoyed vacation's plan
"figuring out which doctor" — as described in above, start with your primary care physician
"avoiding problems" — first, tackle any underlying health issue with your doctor
"debts" — set a timer, get caught up where you can, then automate payments
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:09 PM on July 11
"planning a vacation" — try Wanderlog; consider re-creating a previously-enjoyed vacation's plan
"figuring out which doctor" — as described in above, start with your primary care physician
"avoiding problems" — first, tackle any underlying health issue with your doctor
"debts" — set a timer, get caught up where you can, then automate payments
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:09 PM on July 11
You are not alone, dear Internet stranger. I’m right there with you, whether that helps or not.
There probably won’t be one thing that will get you through, but recognizing and patting yourself on the back for each time you do something can help. Seconding trig’s suggestion that what you are doing right now is worthy, and that asking for help is totally allowed.
There was a piece of garbage that I thought I should recycle but it needed cleaning and disassembling. It sat on my kitchen floor, collecting dirt and debris, for Months. One day I picked it up, walked outside, and threw it in the dumpster. I started to neg on myself for taking so long (Months!) to deal with it. But then I stopped and said, out loud, “Good job, TimidFooting!” And felt instantly better. The more I can interrupt that self-recrimination, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the more ability I have to Handle Things.
Related: I saw something online, like a block of text quoted from somewhere, and the person was describing their shift from thinking of eating something nice, or taking a break and having some tea, “as a treat” to thinking of it as “for morale.” Like their body is like an army or ship crew that needs morale boosters from the captain to keep working well and not mutiny.
Please be kind to yourself. For morale! This is a hard time.
posted by TimidFooting at 7:42 PM on July 11 [8 favorites]
There probably won’t be one thing that will get you through, but recognizing and patting yourself on the back for each time you do something can help. Seconding trig’s suggestion that what you are doing right now is worthy, and that asking for help is totally allowed.
There was a piece of garbage that I thought I should recycle but it needed cleaning and disassembling. It sat on my kitchen floor, collecting dirt and debris, for Months. One day I picked it up, walked outside, and threw it in the dumpster. I started to neg on myself for taking so long (Months!) to deal with it. But then I stopped and said, out loud, “Good job, TimidFooting!” And felt instantly better. The more I can interrupt that self-recrimination, the better I feel, and the better I feel, the more ability I have to Handle Things.
Related: I saw something online, like a block of text quoted from somewhere, and the person was describing their shift from thinking of eating something nice, or taking a break and having some tea, “as a treat” to thinking of it as “for morale.” Like their body is like an army or ship crew that needs morale boosters from the captain to keep working well and not mutiny.
Please be kind to yourself. For morale! This is a hard time.
posted by TimidFooting at 7:42 PM on July 11 [8 favorites]
I first recognized that I had hit this wall during one particularly vile hot humid summer in Montreal when we somehow got cat fleas, despite never letting our cats go outside. I knew I had to do something to stop grinding my gears and feeling misery, but I didn't know how. I knew I couldn't wait until the weather broke and I stopped going to bed each night after puking from that day's migraine, as there was a kid who needed daily care and things that needed doing before the summer and my migraine season was over.
What I discovered is that if I could get any forward momentum at all, the sense of being trapped under everything would improve. That meant I had to figure out just ONE thing I could do that would give me that sense of forward momentum, that I could get done in five minutes sometime in the morning before the new day's migraine landed on me.
My tool kit involves the question, "What ONE thing could I do today, that would make me feel better about my life at bedtime?" So I did that.
There was a newsletter to produce, the cat fleas to combat, flights to book and reservations to make for a trip in September, all at a time when getting the kid cleaned up and taking her to daycare and then picking her up on time seemed like a hard slog. I did things in tiny bites, two minutes of effort, or five minutes of effort at a time. I looked up the number for an exterminator and wrote it down and put it by the phone. I looked up if there was a youth hostel with a family room in London - and the answer was no, which was a set back because that had been my original plan. But then I looked up what was the cheapest hotel in London and what its rates were and I wrote down its contact information, ready to actually get in contact with them and try to make a reservation. Step, by step, by step. Baby steps.
It was sometimes enough, if I couldn't even take a baby step, to know what my next step would be, as soon as I was actually well enough to do it. Right. I can't do anything now. But I know that in the next few days I will be well enough to make a phone call, and when I am well enough, I will make that phone call.
That determination meant that when I was well enough I did, and slowly the newsletter got designed and laid out, a cover illustration drawn, the articles typed out... and I got a reservation at the cheapest hotel in London (which burned down shortly before we actually left Canada) and I got reservations at several different youth hostels in Lincoln and Salisbury, and I made myself appallingly sick going all the way out to the Big O to get hostel sheets as required by the international youth hostel organization, and I took the newsletter to the printer... one small step at a time.
The day of the cat flea spraying goes down in my memory as one of the worst days of my life, as I had to stay out of the apartment for several hours with a very grumpy toddler and a cat in a carrier, in heat that had my vision seeing double, with nowhere better to go than a local park that had shade and a water fountain, but I got through the day, as I knew I would, and I got rid of the thrice be-damned cat fleas. I knew that day was going to be bad, but I also knew once it was over, it would be over, which made me able to face it, if not with confidence with equanimity.
I call this bootstrapping. That process of what I do when I see that my life has become so difficult it has ground to a complete halt and I see no ray of hope or relief from misery is pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I have a mountain to climb and can only lift each foot, one at a time, supported on nothing really, except for the thought that I am one step higher.
For me it's about identifying that one thing I can do that will eventually lead to getting rid of some of the weight I am carrying, and being utterly patient with myself, and accepting how long it is going to take and how hard it seems to be. The little things I identify are concrete things that produce the feeling that they will make things better. Sometimes they are just ruling things out. Right. There isn't a youth hostel with a family room in London. What might be the alternative? Where can I find things out? Now I know I need to find an alternative. I know what I need to do.
Unfortunately there have been several times in my life since then when I realised I had hunched up in grim misery, and knew I that had to resort to bootstrapping, yet again, to get me out of it. But fortunately bootstrapping turned out to be something that gets easier every time I have to employ it. It got me through cancer and chemo, and got me through several migraine summers and several other situations I don't want to think about, much less describe.
But my look at me, I can do it, pep talk isn't much use to you, because I can't tell you how to bootstrap your life, or where to begin, or what the first smallest step could be for you.
You need to cash a cheque, right? For me the first thing would be to just sit still and think about what I would need to do first. I'd need to find the wretched cheque, which has probably gone missing, and I'd need to find my phone. So where is the cheque? If I can't think of where it is, I'd try to think of where it could be, and my first active step would be to look in one of those places - and that would be it. That's forward momentum. But if I did find it, I'd know that the next thing I needed to do was find my phone so I could take a picture of the cheque. I'd put the cheque with the phone. And the next time I turned my phone on, hopefully the cheque would be right underneath it, so all I'd have to do is take the picture, and then decide what the next step would be - logging into my banking app. If I could, I would do that. If I couldn't, I have that ready for the next time I had two moments were I could function and I wouldn't feel so bad, because I'd know what the next step is.
Boostrapping snowballs. Sometimes you can work on the insurmountable task for longer than you think, because once you start your executive brain gets in gear and offers you the next step, which doesn't seem like a crushing burden, because you haven't yet had time to get anxious about it. Sometimes you can keep going until you make a lot of progress, once you start. It's to be expected that you will hit a snag that throws up a wall in front of you, or that you will almost suddenly feel it's too much and you have to stop. Stopping when this happens is an important part of the process, because you can say that you made as much progress as you could at this time, and at your next opportunity you will go back to trying. If you stop instead of trying to force it, you will believe you can pick up and try again. The next time you try you won't begin already frantic and exhausted from trying and failing, and you won't be swamped by anxiety so you will be able to check if your gym kit is in the drawer you think it is, or do whatever tiny incremental task you need.
Then the second thing I want to say - and this is such a critical thing that I am going to repeat it three times: Self care, self care, Self care. Self care is NOT forcing yourself to go to the gym when it makes you feel wretched and it burns all your executive functioning and energy so you spend the evening crying because you can't run anymore. Self care is doing little stuff that makes you feel better. Self care is looking at a web comic that makes you giggle. For thirty seconds you feel better. Self care is making a new character and sending them up against a boss far too strong for them, so that they die ludicrously fast and that makes you laugh, and maybe puts your gaming in perspective and make it less of an obsession. Self care is stopping in the driveway on your way to the car and looking at the glowing green beauty of July and saying, "These trees sure are beautiful."
Self care is buying cherries because you love cherries. Self care is treating yourself like you are a beloved, unhappy toddler who needs to be coaxed and reassured, not made sick on candy let alone booze, but made more comfortable by taking your shoes off and pulling on your hot and sticky toes. Self care is thinking that you would rather have your partner in your life than out of it, and going over and giving them a kiss because you feel better when you are being grateful they are around.
Self care is setting a timer so that you get up when it goes off and you do a circuit around the room, once every half hour during your gaming sessions, so you know you aren't just turning into a lump on a bump. Total time doing circuits over the whole evening, one and a half minutes, seven circuits. Self care is tiny incremental acts made as easy as possible, which make your body more comfortable and your inner self feel that you value yourself and are worth it. Self care is deliberate mood regulation. Self care is doing stuff that will make you feel better AFTER you do it, not just while you do it.
Do you know how much credit you deserve for cutting back on the drinking? No? Migod, you deserve credit for that, and you deserve credit for not doing a blubbering core dump on your partner, and for not rolling out of bed and instead of going to work, switching on the game and hiding in stimulus and response clicking. You've been making a lot of strong choices already.
Do you know how strong you are? I bet you are sneering to be to be told you are strong. Yeah right, strong, me? I'm paralyzed. No, you are not. You have been hanging in there. Everything has been feeling like crud and you have been trying and trying, and going to work, and slogging through your routines when they feel like wading through a thigh deep swamp, but you have still been taking the dogs for their walks.
Do you have any reason to feel like this all so crushingly hard? Yes, why yes, you do. You are living in a terrifying time, you've had a disease that is often fatal and can be life changing, and your brain isn't working right. Do you know how depressing and frightening it is when your brain doesn't work right? Why yes, you do. You're living it.
You are struggling because your life is really hard. Yes, yes, tons of people have it worse than you. But your life is still really, really hard. You got sick and you have no energy. You are overwhelmed. You need to be strong for your spouse. Instead of having someone who can lift you up, you have to be strong so they don't fall. You are having a crap time right now because you are IN a crap time.
So don't, don't, don't blame yourself, or think that there is something wrong with you that you can't just use magical wish fulfillment to go back to being as physically active as you were, and go back to think as clearly as you do when you are at your best. You got slammed. Now you're facing rehabilitation. Daunting! But, here's the thing. Rehabilitation is a real possibility. And it only takes two two-minute tasks a day to get started. It only takes making a plan. A tiny, tiny plan that turns you in the right direction. You're so close. You've got so many abilities to draw on. You already cut back on drinking. You're already thinking about this and using group brainstorming to get help. You actually have started. You're already facing the right direction.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:59 AM on July 12 [8 favorites]
What I discovered is that if I could get any forward momentum at all, the sense of being trapped under everything would improve. That meant I had to figure out just ONE thing I could do that would give me that sense of forward momentum, that I could get done in five minutes sometime in the morning before the new day's migraine landed on me.
My tool kit involves the question, "What ONE thing could I do today, that would make me feel better about my life at bedtime?" So I did that.
There was a newsletter to produce, the cat fleas to combat, flights to book and reservations to make for a trip in September, all at a time when getting the kid cleaned up and taking her to daycare and then picking her up on time seemed like a hard slog. I did things in tiny bites, two minutes of effort, or five minutes of effort at a time. I looked up the number for an exterminator and wrote it down and put it by the phone. I looked up if there was a youth hostel with a family room in London - and the answer was no, which was a set back because that had been my original plan. But then I looked up what was the cheapest hotel in London and what its rates were and I wrote down its contact information, ready to actually get in contact with them and try to make a reservation. Step, by step, by step. Baby steps.
It was sometimes enough, if I couldn't even take a baby step, to know what my next step would be, as soon as I was actually well enough to do it. Right. I can't do anything now. But I know that in the next few days I will be well enough to make a phone call, and when I am well enough, I will make that phone call.
That determination meant that when I was well enough I did, and slowly the newsletter got designed and laid out, a cover illustration drawn, the articles typed out... and I got a reservation at the cheapest hotel in London (which burned down shortly before we actually left Canada) and I got reservations at several different youth hostels in Lincoln and Salisbury, and I made myself appallingly sick going all the way out to the Big O to get hostel sheets as required by the international youth hostel organization, and I took the newsletter to the printer... one small step at a time.
The day of the cat flea spraying goes down in my memory as one of the worst days of my life, as I had to stay out of the apartment for several hours with a very grumpy toddler and a cat in a carrier, in heat that had my vision seeing double, with nowhere better to go than a local park that had shade and a water fountain, but I got through the day, as I knew I would, and I got rid of the thrice be-damned cat fleas. I knew that day was going to be bad, but I also knew once it was over, it would be over, which made me able to face it, if not with confidence with equanimity.
I call this bootstrapping. That process of what I do when I see that my life has become so difficult it has ground to a complete halt and I see no ray of hope or relief from misery is pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I have a mountain to climb and can only lift each foot, one at a time, supported on nothing really, except for the thought that I am one step higher.
For me it's about identifying that one thing I can do that will eventually lead to getting rid of some of the weight I am carrying, and being utterly patient with myself, and accepting how long it is going to take and how hard it seems to be. The little things I identify are concrete things that produce the feeling that they will make things better. Sometimes they are just ruling things out. Right. There isn't a youth hostel with a family room in London. What might be the alternative? Where can I find things out? Now I know I need to find an alternative. I know what I need to do.
Unfortunately there have been several times in my life since then when I realised I had hunched up in grim misery, and knew I that had to resort to bootstrapping, yet again, to get me out of it. But fortunately bootstrapping turned out to be something that gets easier every time I have to employ it. It got me through cancer and chemo, and got me through several migraine summers and several other situations I don't want to think about, much less describe.
But my look at me, I can do it, pep talk isn't much use to you, because I can't tell you how to bootstrap your life, or where to begin, or what the first smallest step could be for you.
You need to cash a cheque, right? For me the first thing would be to just sit still and think about what I would need to do first. I'd need to find the wretched cheque, which has probably gone missing, and I'd need to find my phone. So where is the cheque? If I can't think of where it is, I'd try to think of where it could be, and my first active step would be to look in one of those places - and that would be it. That's forward momentum. But if I did find it, I'd know that the next thing I needed to do was find my phone so I could take a picture of the cheque. I'd put the cheque with the phone. And the next time I turned my phone on, hopefully the cheque would be right underneath it, so all I'd have to do is take the picture, and then decide what the next step would be - logging into my banking app. If I could, I would do that. If I couldn't, I have that ready for the next time I had two moments were I could function and I wouldn't feel so bad, because I'd know what the next step is.
Boostrapping snowballs. Sometimes you can work on the insurmountable task for longer than you think, because once you start your executive brain gets in gear and offers you the next step, which doesn't seem like a crushing burden, because you haven't yet had time to get anxious about it. Sometimes you can keep going until you make a lot of progress, once you start. It's to be expected that you will hit a snag that throws up a wall in front of you, or that you will almost suddenly feel it's too much and you have to stop. Stopping when this happens is an important part of the process, because you can say that you made as much progress as you could at this time, and at your next opportunity you will go back to trying. If you stop instead of trying to force it, you will believe you can pick up and try again. The next time you try you won't begin already frantic and exhausted from trying and failing, and you won't be swamped by anxiety so you will be able to check if your gym kit is in the drawer you think it is, or do whatever tiny incremental task you need.
Then the second thing I want to say - and this is such a critical thing that I am going to repeat it three times: Self care, self care, Self care. Self care is NOT forcing yourself to go to the gym when it makes you feel wretched and it burns all your executive functioning and energy so you spend the evening crying because you can't run anymore. Self care is doing little stuff that makes you feel better. Self care is looking at a web comic that makes you giggle. For thirty seconds you feel better. Self care is making a new character and sending them up against a boss far too strong for them, so that they die ludicrously fast and that makes you laugh, and maybe puts your gaming in perspective and make it less of an obsession. Self care is stopping in the driveway on your way to the car and looking at the glowing green beauty of July and saying, "These trees sure are beautiful."
Self care is buying cherries because you love cherries. Self care is treating yourself like you are a beloved, unhappy toddler who needs to be coaxed and reassured, not made sick on candy let alone booze, but made more comfortable by taking your shoes off and pulling on your hot and sticky toes. Self care is thinking that you would rather have your partner in your life than out of it, and going over and giving them a kiss because you feel better when you are being grateful they are around.
Self care is setting a timer so that you get up when it goes off and you do a circuit around the room, once every half hour during your gaming sessions, so you know you aren't just turning into a lump on a bump. Total time doing circuits over the whole evening, one and a half minutes, seven circuits. Self care is tiny incremental acts made as easy as possible, which make your body more comfortable and your inner self feel that you value yourself and are worth it. Self care is deliberate mood regulation. Self care is doing stuff that will make you feel better AFTER you do it, not just while you do it.
Do you know how much credit you deserve for cutting back on the drinking? No? Migod, you deserve credit for that, and you deserve credit for not doing a blubbering core dump on your partner, and for not rolling out of bed and instead of going to work, switching on the game and hiding in stimulus and response clicking. You've been making a lot of strong choices already.
Do you know how strong you are? I bet you are sneering to be to be told you are strong. Yeah right, strong, me? I'm paralyzed. No, you are not. You have been hanging in there. Everything has been feeling like crud and you have been trying and trying, and going to work, and slogging through your routines when they feel like wading through a thigh deep swamp, but you have still been taking the dogs for their walks.
Do you have any reason to feel like this all so crushingly hard? Yes, why yes, you do. You are living in a terrifying time, you've had a disease that is often fatal and can be life changing, and your brain isn't working right. Do you know how depressing and frightening it is when your brain doesn't work right? Why yes, you do. You're living it.
You are struggling because your life is really hard. Yes, yes, tons of people have it worse than you. But your life is still really, really hard. You got sick and you have no energy. You are overwhelmed. You need to be strong for your spouse. Instead of having someone who can lift you up, you have to be strong so they don't fall. You are having a crap time right now because you are IN a crap time.
So don't, don't, don't blame yourself, or think that there is something wrong with you that you can't just use magical wish fulfillment to go back to being as physically active as you were, and go back to think as clearly as you do when you are at your best. You got slammed. Now you're facing rehabilitation. Daunting! But, here's the thing. Rehabilitation is a real possibility. And it only takes two two-minute tasks a day to get started. It only takes making a plan. A tiny, tiny plan that turns you in the right direction. You're so close. You've got so many abilities to draw on. You already cut back on drinking. You're already thinking about this and using group brainstorming to get help. You actually have started. You're already facing the right direction.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:59 AM on July 12 [8 favorites]
Someone suggested the app Finch in MeFi and I have found it helpful. If mild gamification and oddball cuteness sounds intriguing, Finch is a combination of self-care reminders and to do list.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:11 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:11 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
Also agreed on the minimum possible version of exercise, with a sloooow ramp up. I signed up for a new student unlimited online yoga pass earlier this summer and told myself all I had to do was do the first 10 minutes of a class. If I spaced out in minute 12 and wandered off to make a snack, that was totally fine! Some days I got through the entire 60 minutes, some days I did the minimum and all of that was great -- both as a confidence "you did it!" booster and as an actual movement practice.
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:16 AM on July 12
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:16 AM on July 12
Have you actually had Covid? There is a link between long Covid and serotonin (at least last I heard) and anecdotally, I have family members who have experienced depression for the first time after having had Covid (also yes, general stress of a pandemic…but it is quite marked.) So I think it is worth pursuing that possibility.
For life stuff, I recommend this podcast from Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s really dumb, it ties into his newsletter and some basic strength training (but you don’t have to do either), and has too much ego and too many ads. It’s still a few minutes a day that really help me connect to my own goals. It’s usually 5-7 minutes.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:31 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
For life stuff, I recommend this podcast from Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s really dumb, it ties into his newsletter and some basic strength training (but you don’t have to do either), and has too much ego and too many ads. It’s still a few minutes a day that really help me connect to my own goals. It’s usually 5-7 minutes.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:31 AM on July 12 [1 favorite]
Seconding Finch. Your bird is basically a Tamagotchi without the threat of death. When you take care of yourself by using the app's meditation, exercise, or journaling prompts and by checking off daily goals, your bird thrives. Finch (even the free version) was created with lots of attention to detail and feels like a smart and rich app. You just need to be careful not to overdo it. Your daily goals should be what you really need to do, nothing crazy. If you walk the dogs twice a day, you should add that as a goal because when you're actually doing things, you don't deserve to have an inner voice berate you. Same for making meals, going to work, taking meds, drinking enough water...lofty goals end up being discouraging. Maybe add just one more ambitious goal for now - making a doctor's appointment?
You're being so hard on yourself! With the level of exhaustion you feel, your daily achievements are incredible! Do you know how many people in the world are, right now, lying in bed unable to work, make dinner, take care of their kids or brush their teeth? Trust me, they've all tried to tell themselves to snap out of it and called themselves lazy. That doesn't work. It's not in your head. If you're depressed, your brain has undergone physical change and you need help.
This is not a great analogy, but it helped me a while ago, so I'll share it anyway: let's say life is like a road, and because of your losses, the current stretch is a steep and bumpy dirt track. Because of global problems, the sun is too hot and mosquitoes are swarming around. It's not fair, but some of us get e-bikes and zip through all that with very little exertion. Others at least have a regular bike that's in full working order. Or they have something else that's helpful, like a water bottle. But you, through no fault of your own, have a flat right now. You might still be able to ride, but it'll be painfully slow. For harder stretches, you need to get off and walk so as not to damage your bike. That might mean asking someone else to walk the dogs, or taking time off work, or buying ready-made meals. Unfortunately, exhaustion from depression does not go away unless you rest.
I found the (audio) book of "How To Keep House While Drowning" very helpful. It's not just about housecleaning, but more generally about exhaustion and how to still get done what's necessary.
Best of luck. Please let someone help. And please speak to yourself with much more kindness.
posted by toucan at 9:33 AM on July 13 [2 favorites]
You're being so hard on yourself! With the level of exhaustion you feel, your daily achievements are incredible! Do you know how many people in the world are, right now, lying in bed unable to work, make dinner, take care of their kids or brush their teeth? Trust me, they've all tried to tell themselves to snap out of it and called themselves lazy. That doesn't work. It's not in your head. If you're depressed, your brain has undergone physical change and you need help.
This is not a great analogy, but it helped me a while ago, so I'll share it anyway: let's say life is like a road, and because of your losses, the current stretch is a steep and bumpy dirt track. Because of global problems, the sun is too hot and mosquitoes are swarming around. It's not fair, but some of us get e-bikes and zip through all that with very little exertion. Others at least have a regular bike that's in full working order. Or they have something else that's helpful, like a water bottle. But you, through no fault of your own, have a flat right now. You might still be able to ride, but it'll be painfully slow. For harder stretches, you need to get off and walk so as not to damage your bike. That might mean asking someone else to walk the dogs, or taking time off work, or buying ready-made meals. Unfortunately, exhaustion from depression does not go away unless you rest.
I found the (audio) book of "How To Keep House While Drowning" very helpful. It's not just about housecleaning, but more generally about exhaustion and how to still get done what's necessary.
Best of luck. Please let someone help. And please speak to yourself with much more kindness.
posted by toucan at 9:33 AM on July 13 [2 favorites]
I'll jump in on the Finch bandwagon. I use it as a todo list. The birb is so much fun.
posted by kathrynm at 10:33 AM on July 13 [1 favorite]
posted by kathrynm at 10:33 AM on July 13 [1 favorite]
Just chiming in to ask if you've ruled out Long-COVID? Because boy howdy do some of your struggles match up with some of my struggles when it comes to actually doing things. It has broken so many of my body's systems for having and using energy starting literally on the cellular level and going all the way up. Thinking, feeling, and just being generally conscious all take a ton of energy.
So, if that's a possibility, and if you've got a COVID recovery clinic near you, and if you can afford it, I'd highly recommend checking it out. Seriously, my life still has some really rough times, but some of the suggestions made a noticeable difference.
posted by Gygesringtone at 5:22 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]
So, if that's a possibility, and if you've got a COVID recovery clinic near you, and if you can afford it, I'd highly recommend checking it out. Seriously, my life still has some really rough times, but some of the suggestions made a noticeable difference.
posted by Gygesringtone at 5:22 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]
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Working through You feel like shit is a low barrier place to start getting unstuck. I did it yesterday. Sometimes you just need a reset.
Your primary care physician or another clinician from their office can prescribe Prozac. It's one of the common drugs to try first and family history is a good reason to start there. Whoever can see you soon, a teleheath visit is probably adequate. It's a pretty easy thing to try, and you deserve to feel better. If you don't like it, you can stop. For me, anti-depressants lower the effort needed to do all the other stuff (exercise, eat well, have fun) that I need to do to feel okay.
And if there's someone IRL you can talk to about how you feel, please be brave and try it. Feeling ashamed about it is part of being depressed, it will probably feel less heavy once you tell someone.
posted by momus_window at 10:23 AM on July 11 [7 favorites]