How do I heal from trauma without therapy?
July 6, 2024 3:41 AM   Subscribe

Despite having the financial resources plus access to socialised healthcare, I have been unable to find support for what I assume is a fairly normal response to a traumatic year (death of a parent, children with increasing special needs requirements, menopause, ADHD diagnosis, cancer spread to stage 4 and the associated painful and disabling treatment, just to name a few things!). My numerous attempts to find mental health support have driven me right to the edge. What now?

I’m not in any immediate danger, don’t worry, but I’ve been chatting with a suicide prevention hotline today, that’s how bad it is now. Do you have a tip for a book, a website, an I don’t know what? My dealings with the hospital, the hospital psychology department and the cancer support centre have left me feeling more helpless and frustrated than ever. Advocating for myself hasn’t worked. How can I try to help myself through this trauma thing?
posted by rubbish bin night to Health & Fitness (12 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
I’m very similar to you except that I dont have a cancer diagnosis/ but I do have severe chronic migraine. I find that THE MOST disabling thing for me is staying regulated or being in the zone of regulation. And after 3 years now I am only now realizing really important things like- I’m unregulated in my body before I start having the upsetting thoughts. So I need to work on regulation all the time, not after I have the thoughts. Nobody really explained that to me. I just kind of talked it through and then it was confirmed. So getting massage, sauna, exercise is really important to keep the dysregation from happening. My special needs kids were a huge trigger because they almost never did what I want, they were loud, it was hard. It’s getting better now. They were also very rude to me and my inner child would react and not the grown up me.

Professionals haven’t been a massive help, (helpful though) but my best girlfriends have had problems in their past and gotten through it about a decade before me so I have some kindred spirits. You can call the samaratins whenever you want. They’re probably kindred spirits too.
posted by pairofshades at 3:59 AM on July 6 [3 favorites]


Do you have an EAP program through your employer? Mine got me access to someone short-term on about 24 hours notice specific for PTSD. The technique they used with me was called somatic and I found it very effective if that is helpful to know.
posted by openhearted at 4:04 AM on July 6 [1 favorite]


During my recent crisis, therapist was 300 an hour and not very helpful - I decided what I really needed was just for someone to listen and not necessarily give me advice and they didn't need a degree or wisdom. So I hired single parents I know to listen to me on the phone after their kids went to bed and I paid them 100 an hour. This worked beautiful for me.
I didn't want to ask friends to just listen to me for an hour - it just seemed like a burden. And we are too entwined. I know my single parent friends needed the money so that made me feel better and I did not ask them to make any decisions or help me in any way so I didn't feel like it was too taxing on them. I wasn't asking them for sympathy or help or advice or anything. Just to listen.
posted by cda at 4:38 AM on July 6 [7 favorites]


I’m also similar to you (except the cancer treatment is for the remaining parent), and if you’re similar to me in some of the following ways, this may help: If you feel the injury of “the second arrow”, i.e., feeling bad about feeling bad, feeling bad about struggling, in addition to the actual struggling, then I’d recommend KC Davies and her strugglecare podcast and book on how to keep house while drowning. If you’re up late and revenge-procrastinating because you don’t have enough free time during the day, it’s hard but prioritizing sleep may make you feel much better the next day. If you’re avoiding processing emotions, addressing that may also help a lot. Hang in there.
posted by meijusa at 4:40 AM on July 6 [3 favorites]


Do you have support for the ADHD diagnosis, specifically? Addressing that may unlock some internal resources of your own. I liked the book "a radical guide for women with adhd" which is available in print and audio form. Many of the exercises in the book are geared towards understanding the impact that unacknowledged ADHD has had for you historically to let you be a fuller versiom of yourself in the present/future.

How much time for yourself do you have? It may be helpful to set aside some time every day, or every few days, whatever is possible, to simply be present with whatever you are feeling. This could take the shape of a ten minute walk, choosing to just sit down in the shower to feel your feelings, or some kind of meditation practice. I think sometimes the most traumatizing aspect of ongoing traumatic events is the constant pressure to try to improve your situation.

You might also read about 'unlocking the stress cycle'. There is a book about this titled 'burnout', also an audiobook. I didn't finish it, but the authors wrote it to not be finished. It's about ways to relax your body to let yourself not carry rollover tension all the time.

Many of the things you are dealing with sound like very difficult and very normal problems, but you are dealing with them all at once. It's hard, because you are trying to heal from a trauma that is ongoing, and don't yet know how those events will unfold. I think the more you can find small ways to be kind to yourself, the less influence these events will have on your minute-to-minute emotional state. How can you connect with your body through sensory experiences? Even a small break from your constant stress is a gift to yourself.
posted by Summers at 5:20 AM on July 6 [2 favorites]


I had a real bad year a while back, tied to some of the usual things that cause people trauma, as well as some less-common things. You've gotten a lot of ideas above about therapy, so I want to second Summers:

Many of the things you are dealing with sound like very difficult and very normal problems, but you are dealing with them all at once. It's hard, because you are trying to heal from a trauma that is ongoing, and don't yet know how those events will unfold. I think the more you can find small ways to be kind to yourself, the less influence these events will have on your minute-to-minute emotional state. How can you connect with your body through sensory experiences? Even a small break from your constant stress is a gift to yourself.

All the grounding, mindfulness-related activities. Walking, meditation, journal or gratitude journal, intentionally focusing on giving yourself a treat, pausing to sit and look at something beautiful: at various points, all of those helped me. Reminding yourself that some of this will ease with the passage of time. Focusing on doing, as you have time, some things that you enjoy--like, literally, writing a short list of activities, media, foods, etc. that make your life better, and working them into your week.

Good luck. <3

Edit: there are a bunch of memes and cheat sheets out there about getting through hard times, in terms of taking care of your body while you are going through something. Here's one. Here's another (I don't specifically endorse the website where I found the list).
posted by cupcakeninja at 6:06 AM on July 6


This may sound ridiculous but have you been able to have any kind of a break?

If you are in overload, which anyone would be in your situation, the right help is really hard to find. But sometimes a break can help. Can you get respite/professional care for your kids and take some of the therapy money and have a weekend away in an anonymous spot where you can cry and rant and eat and pace and sleep? Can you arrange care for your kids once a week and have a few hours to yourself to go get a coffee and walk and sit on a bench and cry or whatever you need to do?

I know these things sound incredibly small in the face of what you're dealing with, but processing trauma is not just about a professional to do it with, it's about the time to do it. Maybe what you need right now is just that space. You could take some of it to be you, and a small amount to continue looking for the right person to work with.

I did eventually find a therapist to click with but the biggest helps for me before that were journaling, and moving (at that time, walking.) In retrospect though, those were things that gave me time too.

My therapist-finding tips are: Look for someone with experience in bereavement and cancer support. Do as much of a phone screen as you can - my criteria were several that wouldn't apply to you, plus queer-friendly, not psychoanalysis or CBT/DBT, and I got a referral by sweet talking a receptionist at a women's centre into pointing out the good people on their list. Then I booked 3 appointments in one week, two the next, so that I would not depend on the first person being any good, and interviewed them all. That was a lot though so it's okay if you aren't up for that right now. You could just start with someone and give yourself permission to quit if it's not right.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:31 AM on July 6 [2 favorites]


Oof that sounds really hard. Can you get medical cannabis? It might help take the edge off and maybe also improve your sleep (you didn't mention sleep, but most problems feel worse when exacerbated by tiredness, and feel a bit better when you're well rested).

For menopause + ADHD, try having a protein powder drink for breakfast with at least 20 grams of protein. And no coffee or internet for the first hour of your day. Apparently avoiding caffiene and internet for the first hour helps your brain balance out its focus chemicals and then the rest of the day goes more smoothly. And the protein thing is VERY highly recommended by menopausal women all over TikTok, worth a try! Get one where the protein isn't from soy or collagen. Whey or Pea protein seems to work well. I can vouch that Vega Chocolate protein powder is really tasty.

My life problems have been different than yours but in all stressful periods, I find sleep, nutrition, and mess are three things that are actually "Solveable" and they do make me feel better. Can you get on a local Facebook group for families, and ask for a recco to hire a person to come help you periodically. Lots of families have a full time nanny who wants extra shifts on the weekend and will work for cash!! You can probably find someone for these tasks:

- Caring for your kids while you nap!! I used to hire a sitter just to come to my house from 6-8am, two mornings a week and hang out with my toddler in the living room while my husband and I slept in upstairs. I posted the job in a big Facebook group and found a 22 year old yoga teacher who lived down the street and was awake early anyway. She was thrilled to play with a baby for $16/hour (minimum wage at the time) before she taught her first class of the day! It seemed silly to hire a babysitter while TWO adults were home - but the toddler wasn't sleeping at night and we were raggedly tired. That extra 4 hours of sleep each week ended up being an absolutely MASSIVE quality of life upgrade that made the whole week better!! In your situation, maybe the caregiver can come do an activity or even just watch TV or play videogames with your kids while you nap or sleep in a bit in the morning. And maybe eventually even take them on walks or easy outings, if you trust the caregiver.

- Cleaning. In my large city, MANY people will happily clean for about 1.5x - 2x the minimum wage which in my area is about $20-30 per hour. A 3-hour cleaning visit once or twice a month can make a WORLD of difference to your mental health. In that 3 hours you can reasonably expect to get a clean kitchen, clean bathroom, tidied main floor, trash & recycling taken out, bedsheets changed, and 2 loads of laundry done! And the more often you get it done, the cleaner the house gets over time as the cleaner can do a few extra maintenance tasks here and there once the house is at a more generally-maintained state. For inspiratuon, here's the Facebook of a Canadian cleaner who posts daily videos of her 3-hour cleanings and you can see what a difference it makes!

- Meal prep - Pick a couple meals you like to eat - for example: Beef and broccoli stir fry with fried rice. Baked salmon fillets with maple soy glaze and baked sweet potato slices. Baked chicken with green beans and potato. Order the groceries and have a woman come and cook them for you and leave you with a clean kitchen and a week of healthy food in the fridge. In my city, lots of older women charge 2x minimum wage for this and they clean the kitchen after).

I wrote you a job post you can edit for Facebook groups (I made up some details just to give you a template to work from!)

Seeking help around the house!
Hi everyone. I feel a bit shy to write this, but I'm having some health issues and I really need help around the house. Can anyone recommend trusted people with affordable rates, that I could hire for :
- House Cleaning
- Caregiving - I have two teenage children with special needs. One is non-speaking. I'm seeking a compassionate and patient adult to come hang out with them - draw, watch a movie, play videogames, etc, while I'm upstairs resting.
- Meal Prep - Someone to come over, cook 3 family meals for the week, & clean up. I'll provide groceries & cookware.
I live near [MAIN INTERSECTION]. My budget is small but I want to pay fairly, so rates are negotiable!
Thank you for any recommendations!

I hope you can find some ways to lessen the load on yourself, it sounds like a lot. I'm rooting for you!!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:56 AM on July 6 [9 favorites]


I found the book Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart by Mark Epstein to be an immensely valuable reframe of grief and trauma after my mother died. It's been a while since I read it, but I reference ideas from it all the time. I found it empowering but not in an obnoxious "Do more!" way.
posted by lapis at 9:34 AM on July 6


I can't tell from the question if this is something you've already tried but: Pick one of the things that's hard in your life and look for a problem-specific (peer) support group? Arguably this could be more helpful than therapy, and I say this as a therapist. Depending what you find, there might be a facilitator, but I'm talking about an affinity group rather than a process group, i.e. the focus really will be on the support that comes from talking to other people going through some of what you're going through and not from a therapeutic working-through of how you're relating to others in the group.
posted by less-of-course at 1:26 PM on July 6 [3 favorites]


In addition to trying to get concrete support with child care, housework, etc. as has been mentioned, I found it helpful to lean into lazy hedonism as much as possible. Massages, chocolate, snuggling in bed with a book, sex, hanging out with friends, etc. did more to help me get back to a better place than therapy ever did.
posted by metasarah at 11:44 AM on July 7 [2 favorites]


Check out co counselling International.
Lots of good people and the odd one to avoid.
posted by tanktop at 1:36 PM on July 8


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