Looking for introductory resources for kink
June 4, 2024 10:51 AM Subscribe
I'd like to have more kink in my relationship, and in principle my partner's on board. However, they're extremely ignorant of any of it, and I'm looking for specific kinds of materials to help 'get them up to speed' so we can have healthier conversations.
What I'm looking for: Introductory materials about kink that focus on the psychology of it, and especially breaking down the different approaches within the kink spectrum. For example, introducing concepts such as
* Styles of dom/sub play
* Humiliation play vs praise vs combining the two
* Funishment vs "real" punishment
* Being a brat vs a 'willing" or "eager" submissive
* Generally why somebody might enjoy activity X or Y or who might like it, not just how to do it
A book would actually be ideal; websites are fine too. Instagram or other social follows are not helpful, my partner isn't active on social and that won't provide the 'research' we're looking for.
If this includes some "how to" that's fine too, but the materials we've found so far focus heavily on the physical or mechanical side of things - "here's how to safely spank somebody" - without really digging into any of the "who would even like to be spanked, and why." I literally just want her to know what the universe looks like so I can point to something and say "I'm into that" and not then have to explain every single part of what that means.
Some context: We're a cishet couple in our mid-30s, I'm M she's F, together for a few months. I would badly like to introduce kink to our sexual play (in the past I've been in multiple kinky relationships, both as a dom and sub). In principal my partner is extremely willing to try things out. In practice we have a big barrier: Language and knowledge. Her main prior sexual relationship was extremely vanilla, and her cultural background was sex neutral-to-negative. She has minimal knowledge of kink, and what she does know is often limited or incomplete - for example when hearing that I like to submit sometimes, she assumed this meant I wanted to be aggressively physically hurt and insulted in specific ways, because that's the only context she had.
Clearing this up has been especially challenging because both my last (abusive) relationship involved a lot of "weaponized ignorance," and explaining things in deep detail like this can often feel very triggering and anxiety-inducing for me (Yes, I'm in therapy). "If you don't explain in incredibly exhausting detail every part of what you want, you won't get anything because I'll pretend I don't know about it, and if you leave even a single thing out, you'll never get it" was a big part of their abusive behavior. It's a huge step for me to just have the confidence to ask "I want to do this kink thing" - it's a step too far to then have to explain what that means in every respect.
Her own analogy as a big hobby chef was "you want to be able to ask me to sometimes make you sweet desserts without having to explain what sweet vs savory means, and then I'd know enough. to just ask how you feel about apple pie and you don't have introduce the concept of fruit along the way."
So, I'm hoping you all have some websites or books to recommend. I certainly wouldn't mind if there was some 'how to,' but my interests are much more about the psychological side of d/s than the mechanical. The trick here is not "introduction to shibari," it's "Some people are into rope play because it makes them feel like THIS or like THAT."
What I'm looking for: Introductory materials about kink that focus on the psychology of it, and especially breaking down the different approaches within the kink spectrum. For example, introducing concepts such as
* Styles of dom/sub play
* Humiliation play vs praise vs combining the two
* Funishment vs "real" punishment
* Being a brat vs a 'willing" or "eager" submissive
* Generally why somebody might enjoy activity X or Y or who might like it, not just how to do it
A book would actually be ideal; websites are fine too. Instagram or other social follows are not helpful, my partner isn't active on social and that won't provide the 'research' we're looking for.
If this includes some "how to" that's fine too, but the materials we've found so far focus heavily on the physical or mechanical side of things - "here's how to safely spank somebody" - without really digging into any of the "who would even like to be spanked, and why." I literally just want her to know what the universe looks like so I can point to something and say "I'm into that" and not then have to explain every single part of what that means.
Some context: We're a cishet couple in our mid-30s, I'm M she's F, together for a few months. I would badly like to introduce kink to our sexual play (in the past I've been in multiple kinky relationships, both as a dom and sub). In principal my partner is extremely willing to try things out. In practice we have a big barrier: Language and knowledge. Her main prior sexual relationship was extremely vanilla, and her cultural background was sex neutral-to-negative. She has minimal knowledge of kink, and what she does know is often limited or incomplete - for example when hearing that I like to submit sometimes, she assumed this meant I wanted to be aggressively physically hurt and insulted in specific ways, because that's the only context she had.
Clearing this up has been especially challenging because both my last (abusive) relationship involved a lot of "weaponized ignorance," and explaining things in deep detail like this can often feel very triggering and anxiety-inducing for me (Yes, I'm in therapy). "If you don't explain in incredibly exhausting detail every part of what you want, you won't get anything because I'll pretend I don't know about it, and if you leave even a single thing out, you'll never get it" was a big part of their abusive behavior. It's a huge step for me to just have the confidence to ask "I want to do this kink thing" - it's a step too far to then have to explain what that means in every respect.
Her own analogy as a big hobby chef was "you want to be able to ask me to sometimes make you sweet desserts without having to explain what sweet vs savory means, and then I'd know enough. to just ask how you feel about apple pie and you don't have introduce the concept of fruit along the way."
So, I'm hoping you all have some websites or books to recommend. I certainly wouldn't mind if there was some 'how to,' but my interests are much more about the psychological side of d/s than the mechanical. The trick here is not "introduction to shibari," it's "Some people are into rope play because it makes them feel like THIS or like THAT."
Oh Joy Sex Toy’s Kinks category might be a good supplement. I agree that the Easton & Hardy books are good general introductions, and OJST can add some slice-of-life stories where authors share their personal experiences and some brief how-to on specific practices.
posted by Hark! A Sock Puppet at 11:50 AM on June 4 [2 favorites]
posted by Hark! A Sock Puppet at 11:50 AM on June 4 [2 favorites]
Sex essayist Aella recently did a survey about BDSM preferences and did a factor analysis on it, producing (or revealing) 16 more-or-less natural categories. The first part of her essay breaks them down in a way I think is likely to be useful. BDSM Subtypes and their Prevalence is the piece in question.
posted by 4th number at 1:37 PM on June 4 [2 favorites]
posted by 4th number at 1:37 PM on June 4 [2 favorites]
The book ‘101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do’ by Kate Sloan could be great for this. She goes through a lot of different kinks and talk about why they’re hot and interesting to people and the different feelings people want to feel or evoke as well as ideas about ways to try out the kink. She also has a podcast The Dildorks that I highly recommend and they talk a lot about the psychological side of kinks and what people are looking for in kink. It’s also very funny.
posted by raeka at 2:02 PM on June 4 [1 favorite]
posted by raeka at 2:02 PM on June 4 [1 favorite]
I found the Netflix series "How to Build a Sex Room" a fun and watchable show that did a good job of introducing a lot of concepts. Might provide some good discussion starters as well as basic education.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:15 PM on June 4 [1 favorite]
posted by restless_nomad at 6:15 PM on June 4 [1 favorite]
this new book seems perfect: https://www.amazon.com/Why-People-Into-That-Investigation/dp/0306832569
posted by CancerSucks at 10:57 PM on June 4
posted by CancerSucks at 10:57 PM on June 4
you have some good recommendations here. I want to offer something other than a resource because it might be helpful here. Kink when done well, begins with mental and emotional safety leading to physical safety starting with enthusiastic consent from all parties involved. I don't hear enthusiastic consent coming from your partner and neither do I hear an openess to understand your partner's POV even though you mention some cultural barriers that would be a valid reason for their attitudes towards kink.
remember that a partner isn't obliged to do the kinks you want if they don't want to and I'm getting that vibe here that oh they are just ignorant and that if only they knew more our problems would be solved.
so I would look for resources like the book, come as you are, along with kink resources.
I would suggest looking into safer kink communities in your area and go to a munch and start looking for kink friends in case your partner isn't into it as much as you are.
as someone mentioned above with couples, it should be about what kinks should we explore together? not I like this kink so you need to understand it so now you can do that for me.
look at communication resources about how to negotiate a scene, how to create emotional safety that type of thing. I get all my info from kink folx online and community so I don't have a list of books where I learned what I know. also don't forget about aftercare. what does aftercare and emotional safety look like to your partner and yourself?
posted by mxjudyliza at 7:27 AM on June 5 [7 favorites]
remember that a partner isn't obliged to do the kinks you want if they don't want to and I'm getting that vibe here that oh they are just ignorant and that if only they knew more our problems would be solved.
so I would look for resources like the book, come as you are, along with kink resources.
I would suggest looking into safer kink communities in your area and go to a munch and start looking for kink friends in case your partner isn't into it as much as you are.
as someone mentioned above with couples, it should be about what kinks should we explore together? not I like this kink so you need to understand it so now you can do that for me.
look at communication resources about how to negotiate a scene, how to create emotional safety that type of thing. I get all my info from kink folx online and community so I don't have a list of books where I learned what I know. also don't forget about aftercare. what does aftercare and emotional safety look like to your partner and yourself?
posted by mxjudyliza at 7:27 AM on June 5 [7 favorites]
Strong +1 on Anton Fulmen’s work, both “The Heart of Dominance” which is strong on background and theory, and “The Dominance Playbook” which is a little more nuts-and-bolts but leans strongly into psychology rather than just physical skills.
If you are people who listen to podcasts, I can also recommend the LovingBDSM podcast (a little rambly), as well as scrolling the Dildorks podcast for their kink-themed episodes which often get into why people like things rather than just the mechanics.
posted by learning from frequent failure at 6:32 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]
If you are people who listen to podcasts, I can also recommend the LovingBDSM podcast (a little rambly), as well as scrolling the Dildorks podcast for their kink-themed episodes which often get into why people like things rather than just the mechanics.
posted by learning from frequent failure at 6:32 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]
Evie Lupine's YouTube channel provides accessible discussions on various kinds of kink, including information about what about that specific kink is attractive or interesting to people.
Nthing the note about enthusiastic consent - I too come from a sex-negative culture so I totally get that it can be a bit of a hurdle to even conceptualize kink as a thing that is viable, let alone have the opportunity to be positive. My doorway came from being cast as the lesbian dominatrix in the Vagina Monologues and then getting to know an actual domme that came to see the show - it's an unorthodox method but perhaps similar-ish opportunities like munches (social, not sexual) or sexuality-related expos could work?
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:28 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]
Nthing the note about enthusiastic consent - I too come from a sex-negative culture so I totally get that it can be a bit of a hurdle to even conceptualize kink as a thing that is viable, let alone have the opportunity to be positive. My doorway came from being cast as the lesbian dominatrix in the Vagina Monologues and then getting to know an actual domme that came to see the show - it's an unorthodox method but perhaps similar-ish opportunities like munches (social, not sexual) or sexuality-related expos could work?
posted by creatrixtiara at 8:28 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]
Hmm.. this is a different angle, but what about an anthology of semi-realistic and feminist erotic kink fiction like Kink or one of the Best Of ... Erotica series?
Reading these stories aloud to each other in bed could accomplish a lot of different things: Sweet/snuggle/connection times, an opportunity to simply say, "Oh yeah, I like THAT" without having to go into a big explanation, and presenting a broad menu of different kinks. To me this is more down-to-earth than watching kink porn together which might be fun but might feel hard to re-recreate in your own bedroom thereby potentially creating pressure instead of a feeling of fun exploration.
posted by latkes at 7:30 AM on June 9
Reading these stories aloud to each other in bed could accomplish a lot of different things: Sweet/snuggle/connection times, an opportunity to simply say, "Oh yeah, I like THAT" without having to go into a big explanation, and presenting a broad menu of different kinks. To me this is more down-to-earth than watching kink porn together which might be fun but might feel hard to re-recreate in your own bedroom thereby potentially creating pressure instead of a feeling of fun exploration.
posted by latkes at 7:30 AM on June 9
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Dossie Easton & Janet W Hardy's The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book -- friendly, approachable and clear guidance on topping (as Dom/Master, etc) and bottoming (as submissive, etc)
Anton Fulmen's The Heart of Dominance -- guidance on the psychology behind why someone might want to be Dominant and how to have consensual and thoughtful relationships involving Dominance play
I think in this case, she will get the most out of some very light and slow introductions to play between the two of you. Some gentle spanking, maybe a little rope play, just seeing how it works. She needs to figure out what (if anything) she likes about it outside of being with you, what role(s) she might enjoy, and what she wants to explore. I strongly urge you to frame this as something you're exploring together, and not something she needs to do in order to please you. She needs to be allowed to say "no, I'm not into this" if she needs to, and you need to respect that if she says it. Being pressured into kink, even in a loving and tender way, can be hugely damaging down the line.
posted by fight or flight at 11:15 AM on June 4 [6 favorites]