Do I need a new therapist?
May 23, 2024 3:09 PM Subscribe
My therapist lambasted me for "judging someone by their past" and said I was "dead wrong" for not totally believing people can change.
For a quick background: my mom is pretty classically Borderline, my brother likely is too. I also have a history of abusive relationships and part of the reason I'm seeking therapy is because I feel "defenseless" against people with personality disorders, who always seem to find me and I always fall for the shenanigans.
Ok, on to the actual story.
I met someone back in December who literally knocked me off my feet. We were instantly enamored with each other, but life circumstances really do not allow me and this person to be together. He stated he is not ready for a relationship and I respect that. We also mutually recognized up front that this felt familiar (as in, repeating a cycle that both of us have seen before,) and so maybe that was a red flag. We put it on ice and have decided to be friends and that is working well. We never even had sex. This person has an extensive criminal history and is severely traumatized by an abusive childhood and 10 yrs of being incarcerated.
I recently learned that this person has a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. He willingly showed me the paperwork that contained this DX, it wasn't a secret. I had personally suspected that he probably would qualify for this DX, but when I saw it on paper it felt like a punch to the gut. My main emotion was "I've fallen for it again." To be clear, this person has been nothing but good to me. Nothing weird or untoward or aggressive has ever transpired between us. But this knowledge was making me rethink EVERYTHING, and making me wonder if our relationship was even genuine or if I was being toyed with/manipulated. I have a serious blind spot for others bad behavior, sometimes it flies right over my head. As I sit here right now, the only thing I can really think of is there was probably a little bit of love bombing in the beginning.
I immediately knew I needed to talk to my therapist about this, which until this point we had a good relationship. She can be a little harsh on me but this took it to another level. When I expressed that I was worried about my safety and that my view of him had changed, she spent most of the session harping on how I was judging him for his past - that he's never mistreated me personally, so I need to take him at face value as he is. That I was unfairly labeling him. That I should forget about everything else and solely work upon my experience with him in the current day. She was saying all of this pretty aggressively - honestly, I would say she was yelling at me. I also stated that I'm not really sure that people can truly change, and she told me I was "horribly wrong." Personally, I felt like she was judging ME, which is deeply upsetting.
I came away from that session feeling horrible. I cried after. I don't think what she said is appropriate, but this is my first time doing therapy and I don't know if I should continue with this practitioner. Help!
For a quick background: my mom is pretty classically Borderline, my brother likely is too. I also have a history of abusive relationships and part of the reason I'm seeking therapy is because I feel "defenseless" against people with personality disorders, who always seem to find me and I always fall for the shenanigans.
Ok, on to the actual story.
I met someone back in December who literally knocked me off my feet. We were instantly enamored with each other, but life circumstances really do not allow me and this person to be together. He stated he is not ready for a relationship and I respect that. We also mutually recognized up front that this felt familiar (as in, repeating a cycle that both of us have seen before,) and so maybe that was a red flag. We put it on ice and have decided to be friends and that is working well. We never even had sex. This person has an extensive criminal history and is severely traumatized by an abusive childhood and 10 yrs of being incarcerated.
I recently learned that this person has a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. He willingly showed me the paperwork that contained this DX, it wasn't a secret. I had personally suspected that he probably would qualify for this DX, but when I saw it on paper it felt like a punch to the gut. My main emotion was "I've fallen for it again." To be clear, this person has been nothing but good to me. Nothing weird or untoward or aggressive has ever transpired between us. But this knowledge was making me rethink EVERYTHING, and making me wonder if our relationship was even genuine or if I was being toyed with/manipulated. I have a serious blind spot for others bad behavior, sometimes it flies right over my head. As I sit here right now, the only thing I can really think of is there was probably a little bit of love bombing in the beginning.
I immediately knew I needed to talk to my therapist about this, which until this point we had a good relationship. She can be a little harsh on me but this took it to another level. When I expressed that I was worried about my safety and that my view of him had changed, she spent most of the session harping on how I was judging him for his past - that he's never mistreated me personally, so I need to take him at face value as he is. That I was unfairly labeling him. That I should forget about everything else and solely work upon my experience with him in the current day. She was saying all of this pretty aggressively - honestly, I would say she was yelling at me. I also stated that I'm not really sure that people can truly change, and she told me I was "horribly wrong." Personally, I felt like she was judging ME, which is deeply upsetting.
I came away from that session feeling horrible. I cried after. I don't think what she said is appropriate, but this is my first time doing therapy and I don't know if I should continue with this practitioner. Help!
You absolutely should protect yourself, and maybe not interact with this person again.
Your therapist _must_ believe that people can and will change if given the right opportunity. Otherwise, she's wasting her life.
posted by amtho at 3:27 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
Your therapist _must_ believe that people can and will change if given the right opportunity. Otherwise, she's wasting her life.
posted by amtho at 3:27 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
I also believe that people can change, and change all the time. But they don't always have the ability, and they don't always have the motivation (which is part of the ability - there are factors that definitely affect motivation). So they may change, or they may become worse, or they may stay the same.
The point is that you don't know what will happen with this person, but you _know_ that you don't know, and that matters. For you, the risk is too high to justify the reward.
posted by amtho at 3:29 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
The point is that you don't know what will happen with this person, but you _know_ that you don't know, and that matters. For you, the risk is too high to justify the reward.
posted by amtho at 3:29 PM on May 23 [1 favorite]
She was saying all of this pretty aggressively - honestly, I would say she was yelling at me.
This topic needs to be broached immediately in your next session. If you are not comfortable breaching this topic with your therapist then you definitely do need a new therapist.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:36 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
This topic needs to be broached immediately in your next session. If you are not comfortable breaching this topic with your therapist then you definitely do need a new therapist.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:36 PM on May 23 [10 favorites]
I also stated that I'm not really sure that people can truly change, and she told me I was "horribly wrong." Personally, I felt like she was judging ME, which is deeply upsetting.
I'm not sure she was judging you in this, but if she's a good therapist she was definitely talking about you. You can truly change.
Very possibly she was also talking about you when she said you need to stop judging people's past and start dealing with their present. When you have a traumatic past it can be easy to think of yourself as you once were and not respect who you have become.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:48 PM on May 23 [12 favorites]
I'm not sure she was judging you in this, but if she's a good therapist she was definitely talking about you. You can truly change.
Very possibly she was also talking about you when she said you need to stop judging people's past and start dealing with their present. When you have a traumatic past it can be easy to think of yourself as you once were and not respect who you have become.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:48 PM on May 23 [12 favorites]
One of the best ways to find out if you have a really good therapist is to see what happens after a difficult session like that one. Go to your next session and talk about what happened from your own perspective. Use lots of I statement - I heard you say, I felt, I thought that you meant. And then she what she says.
Good therapist will want to tell you about their intentions and perspective but the important thing is that take it seriously when you tell them what it was like for you. They might say "that wasn't what I meant" but they won't say "no, that's not what happened" You especially want to hear them say "I'm so glad you told me!" take your experience as a genuine report of your own experience and not try to deny it.
If it goes well, then you get to have the incredible healing experience of telling someone that they did something that upset you and have them take it seriously and want to repair the relationship - something that may be precious and rare for you (since you mention growing up in a family with lots of mental health issues of their own)
You said that the therapist was good up to this point so I'm hoping for your sake that she will handle this well. But, if it doesn't go well, then at least you will have the experience of speaking up for yourself and not running at the first sign of conflict. At the same time, it will empower you to know that you tried, the therapist's reaction confirmed your first impression and then you took care of yourself by finding a new therapist. That also counts as a mental health win even if it does leave you stuck with a finding a new therapist.
posted by metahawk at 4:17 PM on May 23 [44 favorites]
Good therapist will want to tell you about their intentions and perspective but the important thing is that take it seriously when you tell them what it was like for you. They might say "that wasn't what I meant" but they won't say "no, that's not what happened" You especially want to hear them say "I'm so glad you told me!" take your experience as a genuine report of your own experience and not try to deny it.
If it goes well, then you get to have the incredible healing experience of telling someone that they did something that upset you and have them take it seriously and want to repair the relationship - something that may be precious and rare for you (since you mention growing up in a family with lots of mental health issues of their own)
You said that the therapist was good up to this point so I'm hoping for your sake that she will handle this well. But, if it doesn't go well, then at least you will have the experience of speaking up for yourself and not running at the first sign of conflict. At the same time, it will empower you to know that you tried, the therapist's reaction confirmed your first impression and then you took care of yourself by finding a new therapist. That also counts as a mental health win even if it does leave you stuck with a finding a new therapist.
posted by metahawk at 4:17 PM on May 23 [44 favorites]
You don't have to keep working with a therapist if you do not like their communication style or therapeutic methodologies or personal beliefs. Period. If you don't want to work with her, stop.
But you may want to consider that probably a number of her patients have diagnoses that are not pretty and blameless and baggage-free, and sitting there telling a professional that her job is meaningless and pointless might well strike a nerve. And not all therapists believe their job is to sit and calmly agree with their patients' assessments of the world and other people, especially if they think their patient is harmfully wrong, to themself and others.
Also, why go if nothing can change? What do you want from therapy if nothing can change, you cannot change, nobody can change, people who have never hurt you cannot change?
In more dynamic therapeutic methodologies, this would be Good Actually and the two of you would actually dig further into this in the coming sessions and it would be her job to hold you to a meaningful (self-)explanation for not really your fear but your framing of harm and offense by another person's existence, and it would be yours to struggle through it even if it sucked, because the net gain is getting to the other side of a set of limiting beliefs. That's probably not the agreement you've made, though. I think it's worth going back at least once more in the spirit of "am I declining an opportunity to level-up here even though it's not in a pretty CBT package" and see if y'all can hash out what happened here.
She can't make you keep going if you don't want to. The worst thing that happens is you feel discomfort and then never see her again.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:29 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
But you may want to consider that probably a number of her patients have diagnoses that are not pretty and blameless and baggage-free, and sitting there telling a professional that her job is meaningless and pointless might well strike a nerve. And not all therapists believe their job is to sit and calmly agree with their patients' assessments of the world and other people, especially if they think their patient is harmfully wrong, to themself and others.
Also, why go if nothing can change? What do you want from therapy if nothing can change, you cannot change, nobody can change, people who have never hurt you cannot change?
In more dynamic therapeutic methodologies, this would be Good Actually and the two of you would actually dig further into this in the coming sessions and it would be her job to hold you to a meaningful (self-)explanation for not really your fear but your framing of harm and offense by another person's existence, and it would be yours to struggle through it even if it sucked, because the net gain is getting to the other side of a set of limiting beliefs. That's probably not the agreement you've made, though. I think it's worth going back at least once more in the spirit of "am I declining an opportunity to level-up here even though it's not in a pretty CBT package" and see if y'all can hash out what happened here.
She can't make you keep going if you don't want to. The worst thing that happens is you feel discomfort and then never see her again.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:29 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
I also stated that I'm not really sure that people can truly change, and she told me I was "horribly wrong."
You're seeing a therapist because you're trying to change. You, the client, "have a history of abusive relationships and part of the reason I'm seeking therapy is because I feel 'defenseless' against people with personality disorders, who always seem to find me and I always fall for the shenanigans." Therapists treat the people in the room, and she wants you know change is possible for you, her client. You can become a better judge of character and make better choices.
You can ask her why she took that approach. You wrote you'd been having a good experience thus far. You'd booked the session when New Guy's disclosures disturbed you so, and *she* -- your chosen therapist -- was unsettling, too! Off day, therapeutic angle, you don't know yet. Have that talk, consider her perspective, and you can always choose to work with a different therapist.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:31 PM on May 23 [4 favorites]
You're seeing a therapist because you're trying to change. You, the client, "have a history of abusive relationships and part of the reason I'm seeking therapy is because I feel 'defenseless' against people with personality disorders, who always seem to find me and I always fall for the shenanigans." Therapists treat the people in the room, and she wants you know change is possible for you, her client. You can become a better judge of character and make better choices.
You can ask her why she took that approach. You wrote you'd been having a good experience thus far. You'd booked the session when New Guy's disclosures disturbed you so, and *she* -- your chosen therapist -- was unsettling, too! Off day, therapeutic angle, you don't know yet. Have that talk, consider her perspective, and you can always choose to work with a different therapist.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:31 PM on May 23 [4 favorites]
Also, as a postscript, she was talking about this dude who's never harmed you, not your mother. I think you've put this guy in your mother's effigy, so to you it feels like she's really saying "why judge your mother for really specifically harming you in the past?" when she is literally saying "this guy has never hurt you, what is the deal?"
posted by Lyn Never at 4:31 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 4:31 PM on May 23 [3 favorites]
she spent most of the session harping on how I was judging him for his past - that he's never mistreated me personally, so I need to take him at face value as he is. That I was unfairly labeling him. That I should forget about everything else and solely work upon my experience with him in the current day. She was saying all of this pretty aggressively - honestly, I would say she was yelling at me. I also stated that I'm not really sure that people can truly change, and she told me I was "horribly wrong." Personally, I felt like she was judging ME, which is deeply upsetting.
Holy crap. I would see this as pretty horrible behaviour on her part. I don't know if she was projecting or doing transference or whatever, but where does she get off defending this guy? Why is she so invested in you accepting him? I've been reading feminist Zawn Villines' work on substack lately and she talks about how a lot of therapists reproduce patriarchal norms - I feel like your therapist is doing exactly this. That when YOU express concerns about repeating old patterns (which would be great to dig into therapeutically), they (and friends, family, society etc.) say "aw, give him a chance." WHY? Ok, she didn't say exactly that, but maybe I'm now projecting here lol...
Instead of asking you why you think/feel all this (which is what a therapist should do???), she shut you down, saying you should do xyz AND that you're wrong for thinking the way you do. WTF??? She was absolutely judging you. It sounds like you may have triggered her? Like a friend said, there are a lot of toxic therapists out there. :(
metahawk makes some great points on talking to your therapist. If this happened to me, I honestly wouldn't bother, but it's really your choice. To me, what this therapist did was too far past the line - very patriarchal, yelling, made you cry. I would not feel safe bringing this up. I'm also not gonna pay money for another session to tell her how she made me feel and how problematic it was - if you do want to talk to her about it, I would ask for a brief phone call. Otherwise you can just drop her - don't make another appointment, cancel any future ones, don't have to say that you're cancelling, just don't contact her again.
posted by foxjacket at 4:44 PM on May 23 [17 favorites]
Holy crap. I would see this as pretty horrible behaviour on her part. I don't know if she was projecting or doing transference or whatever, but where does she get off defending this guy? Why is she so invested in you accepting him? I've been reading feminist Zawn Villines' work on substack lately and she talks about how a lot of therapists reproduce patriarchal norms - I feel like your therapist is doing exactly this. That when YOU express concerns about repeating old patterns (which would be great to dig into therapeutically), they (and friends, family, society etc.) say "aw, give him a chance." WHY? Ok, she didn't say exactly that, but maybe I'm now projecting here lol...
Instead of asking you why you think/feel all this (which is what a therapist should do???), she shut you down, saying you should do xyz AND that you're wrong for thinking the way you do. WTF??? She was absolutely judging you. It sounds like you may have triggered her? Like a friend said, there are a lot of toxic therapists out there. :(
metahawk makes some great points on talking to your therapist. If this happened to me, I honestly wouldn't bother, but it's really your choice. To me, what this therapist did was too far past the line - very patriarchal, yelling, made you cry. I would not feel safe bringing this up. I'm also not gonna pay money for another session to tell her how she made me feel and how problematic it was - if you do want to talk to her about it, I would ask for a brief phone call. Otherwise you can just drop her - don't make another appointment, cancel any future ones, don't have to say that you're cancelling, just don't contact her again.
posted by foxjacket at 4:44 PM on May 23 [17 favorites]
[Even] if it doesn't go well, then at least you will have the experience of speaking up for yourself and not running at the first sign of conflict. At the same time, it will empower you to know that you tried, the therapist's reaction confirmed your first impression and then you took care of yourself by finding a new therapist.
This is major. I don't know what was behind the way your therapist spoke to you--part of me wonders if something in her own self/life/past was activated, and if that's the case and she is a good therapist she will have reflected on it by the time you next see her--but I don't think you should quit without trying to talk about what happened and give her the opportunity to attempt some relational repair. I've come to see the moments when something goes wrong in therapy as so valuable. When you're relating closely with someone, it's inevitable that you'll step on each other's toes at some point, say the wrong thing, not be attuned to the right one. This is the moment when, for so many of us, the very patterns or behaviors we're in therapy in part to address can really get kicked up. If you were raised by a BPD parent, I'm going to guess advocating for yourself in moments of conflict can feel pretty fucking scary. Therapy, good therapy, is supposed to offer an environment where you can experience what it's like to do that self-advocacy knowing that on the other side of the conversation there's someone who is emotionally stable, has good communication skills, and wants to talk it out. I think you should give yourself the gift of trying to do that, even if you don't end up staying.
I also just want to reflect that I don't think it's wrong or surprising for someone's PD diagnosis to feel really unsettling, or for you to feel hurt or upset by your therapist speaking to you so harshly. Unconditional positive regard is another key aspect of therapy, and it sounds like at least as you experienced it she kind of broke that contract during this session. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to move on even if she does respond well. She isn't wrong to point out that your friend's behavior has been good, but from where I sit, given your history, it's pretty obvious why you would be feeling fear and I think she's wrong to not have responded with a great deal more compassion for what would be driving your emotional response to this news first and foremost. That doesn't mean she's not capable of doing better or automatically the wrong fit, but it's totally valid for it to have you asking these questions.
posted by wormtales at 4:56 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
This is major. I don't know what was behind the way your therapist spoke to you--part of me wonders if something in her own self/life/past was activated, and if that's the case and she is a good therapist she will have reflected on it by the time you next see her--but I don't think you should quit without trying to talk about what happened and give her the opportunity to attempt some relational repair. I've come to see the moments when something goes wrong in therapy as so valuable. When you're relating closely with someone, it's inevitable that you'll step on each other's toes at some point, say the wrong thing, not be attuned to the right one. This is the moment when, for so many of us, the very patterns or behaviors we're in therapy in part to address can really get kicked up. If you were raised by a BPD parent, I'm going to guess advocating for yourself in moments of conflict can feel pretty fucking scary. Therapy, good therapy, is supposed to offer an environment where you can experience what it's like to do that self-advocacy knowing that on the other side of the conversation there's someone who is emotionally stable, has good communication skills, and wants to talk it out. I think you should give yourself the gift of trying to do that, even if you don't end up staying.
I also just want to reflect that I don't think it's wrong or surprising for someone's PD diagnosis to feel really unsettling, or for you to feel hurt or upset by your therapist speaking to you so harshly. Unconditional positive regard is another key aspect of therapy, and it sounds like at least as you experienced it she kind of broke that contract during this session. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to move on even if she does respond well. She isn't wrong to point out that your friend's behavior has been good, but from where I sit, given your history, it's pretty obvious why you would be feeling fear and I think she's wrong to not have responded with a great deal more compassion for what would be driving your emotional response to this news first and foremost. That doesn't mean she's not capable of doing better or automatically the wrong fit, but it's totally valid for it to have you asking these questions.
posted by wormtales at 4:56 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
P.S. I also want to validate it sounds like you handled this guy really well: you recognized old patterns, you talked about it, didn’t go further, didn’t have sex, recognized love bombing. You recognize your own blind spots. You also suspected he had ASPD so you have great instincts. Honestly, if I learned this about someone, I would also be worried about my safety and rightly so. Men can really fuck up women’s lives and if he has an abusive childhood, 10 years of being incarcerated, extensive criminal history, diagnosis of ASPD, yeah I would judge him too. You should judge him! Should you be nasty about it to him? Of course not. I’d have empathy for him, and choose not to go further with him. If that makes me a judgmental bitch, who tf cares?
Again your statements of being worried about your safety, your view of him changed, you saying “I’m not really sure that people can truly change” – you should have been given the space to talk about those things. Instead you were shut down and pretty harshly. Like I said, I wouldn’t bother with this therapist again.
I’ve also seen people on askmefi say that if they had this type of instant connection with someone, they’ve learned to see it as bad news and stay far away. I don’t know the psychological underpinnings for this, but it makes sense to me. So another thing to consider in future – that if this sort of “spark” happens again, it might not be a good thing. The “spark” is way overrated. Logan Ury talks about this: Link here.
posted by foxjacket at 5:13 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
Again your statements of being worried about your safety, your view of him changed, you saying “I’m not really sure that people can truly change” – you should have been given the space to talk about those things. Instead you were shut down and pretty harshly. Like I said, I wouldn’t bother with this therapist again.
I’ve also seen people on askmefi say that if they had this type of instant connection with someone, they’ve learned to see it as bad news and stay far away. I don’t know the psychological underpinnings for this, but it makes sense to me. So another thing to consider in future – that if this sort of “spark” happens again, it might not be a good thing. The “spark” is way overrated. Logan Ury talks about this: Link here.
posted by foxjacket at 5:13 PM on May 23 [11 favorites]
I concur with the comments above that the therapist's response is deeply off/wrong even if her faith in people's ability to change is not, and that you should confront this immediately and gauge her response if you have any interest in continuing to work with her. And if not, or if that doesn't go well, it should be an early topic of discussion with your next therapist.
I am wondering if it's possible that you touched off something personal and specific beyond the possibilities mentioned above -- is there any chance she has worked with incarcerated individuals, or is there a racial, ethnic, class or other difference between you and this guy that your therapist is aware of and might be affecting her assessment of your response to him?
I'm sorry this happened to you! It's so hard to have trust broken after having built it in the therapeutic setting.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 5:57 PM on May 23
I am wondering if it's possible that you touched off something personal and specific beyond the possibilities mentioned above -- is there any chance she has worked with incarcerated individuals, or is there a racial, ethnic, class or other difference between you and this guy that your therapist is aware of and might be affecting her assessment of your response to him?
I'm sorry this happened to you! It's so hard to have trust broken after having built it in the therapeutic setting.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 5:57 PM on May 23
Yes, you need a new therapist.
Your therapist was in no way being helpful opening up a conversation about if people can change or not. That wasn't really relevant. You are trying to learn to protect yourself and distance yourself from people with personality disorders. Your therapist was not trying to help you do that, but instead promoting their own agenda of tolerance and forgiveness and second chances for people with personality disorders.
I don't think you can get anything helpful from working with this therapist. It's irrelevant if they might be right, or if they need to believe what they said. You aren't paying them to persuade you to get into and stay in relationships with people with diagnosed personality disorders. You're paying them to help you get out of and stay out of such relationships. You're worried about your safety? And she's encouraging you to get into a situation where you feel unsafe? Do you still consider your therapist a safe person? She sounds more like someone who enables abusers.
Next session you should discuss, with your brand new therapist, what your goals and expectations will be in your new therapeutic relationship. You can leave a voice mail to break up with the current one. I wouldn't pay for a postmortem session with a therapist who has demonstrated active indifference to my safety. A fifty second voice mail is good enough.
And you should stay away from the person who bowled you over, because your attachment to them sounds like the result of love bombing. You're quite right. You seem to be attracting that type. Consider this - if someone violates our personal space and knocks us over, most people feel annoyed and threatened and they either complain to authorities, or remove themselves from the vicinity of the culprit. That was the very first red flag. Your new love interest may have glommed onto you because instead of immediately writing them off when you got knocked over, you hung around, thus revealing that when people over ride your boundaries and potentially hurt you, you stick around to give them more opportunities to figuratively shove you off the curb into traffic. If you stick around they are going to bowl you over again, repeatedly. Only the next few times may all result in lasting damage.
You don't need either of those people in your life.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:46 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
Your therapist was in no way being helpful opening up a conversation about if people can change or not. That wasn't really relevant. You are trying to learn to protect yourself and distance yourself from people with personality disorders. Your therapist was not trying to help you do that, but instead promoting their own agenda of tolerance and forgiveness and second chances for people with personality disorders.
I don't think you can get anything helpful from working with this therapist. It's irrelevant if they might be right, or if they need to believe what they said. You aren't paying them to persuade you to get into and stay in relationships with people with diagnosed personality disorders. You're paying them to help you get out of and stay out of such relationships. You're worried about your safety? And she's encouraging you to get into a situation where you feel unsafe? Do you still consider your therapist a safe person? She sounds more like someone who enables abusers.
Next session you should discuss, with your brand new therapist, what your goals and expectations will be in your new therapeutic relationship. You can leave a voice mail to break up with the current one. I wouldn't pay for a postmortem session with a therapist who has demonstrated active indifference to my safety. A fifty second voice mail is good enough.
And you should stay away from the person who bowled you over, because your attachment to them sounds like the result of love bombing. You're quite right. You seem to be attracting that type. Consider this - if someone violates our personal space and knocks us over, most people feel annoyed and threatened and they either complain to authorities, or remove themselves from the vicinity of the culprit. That was the very first red flag. Your new love interest may have glommed onto you because instead of immediately writing them off when you got knocked over, you hung around, thus revealing that when people over ride your boundaries and potentially hurt you, you stick around to give them more opportunities to figuratively shove you off the curb into traffic. If you stick around they are going to bowl you over again, repeatedly. Only the next few times may all result in lasting damage.
You don't need either of those people in your life.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:46 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
she spent most of the session harping on how I was judging him for his past - that he's never mistreated me personally, so I need to take him at face value as he is. That I was unfairly labeling him. That I should forget about everything else and solely work upon my experience with him in the current day.
Putting aside the validity of her therapeutic style, this is how women start down the path that leads to being killed. Seriously.
posted by praemunire at 7:08 PM on May 23 [13 favorites]
Putting aside the validity of her therapeutic style, this is how women start down the path that leads to being killed. Seriously.
posted by praemunire at 7:08 PM on May 23 [13 favorites]
It's not acceptable for a therapist to go off on you like this. I'm so sorry you had this experience. There are alternatives to berating you; the therapist could have explained the components of the diagnosis and asked about how he's managing it. I would send a very brief synopsis of your feelings by email and ask to discuss it by phone. I doubt that I'd return to this therapist. Depending on how they handle your concerns, I'd consider a complaint to the licensing body.
You made some great decisions about him, recognized potential pitfalls and acted on that. You acted in protection of yourself, not unkindness towards him. Your therapist could have helped you look at your healthy behaviors and built on success, and still have expressed a reasonable opinion in support of the friend. People do change, but this friend has some severe baggage, and you may not be able to have a deeper relationship with them that is healthy. in any case, it is a decision for you, your therapist should not be trying to bully you.
posted by theora55 at 7:23 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
You made some great decisions about him, recognized potential pitfalls and acted on that. You acted in protection of yourself, not unkindness towards him. Your therapist could have helped you look at your healthy behaviors and built on success, and still have expressed a reasonable opinion in support of the friend. People do change, but this friend has some severe baggage, and you may not be able to have a deeper relationship with them that is healthy. in any case, it is a decision for you, your therapist should not be trying to bully you.
posted by theora55 at 7:23 PM on May 23 [2 favorites]
A lot of good advice has already been said, but I felt this was worth mentioning:
As someone with my own mental health stuff, C-PTSD from childhood, and a history of falling for manipulation - I would also recommend, for your own benefit, briefly but closely examining whether she was truly yelling at you, and if other people you trust would have the same opinion about the situation had they been present, or if you only felt like she was yelling at you. To be clear, I'm not saying she wasn't or that you're misjudging it - but I've found this is a good habit to get into, especially in situations where you are already feeling vulnerable, as it will help develop your "gut feeling" and ability to recognize behaviors and reactions in other people as well as within yourself. It's possible to be so hyper vigilant about other people's feelings and behaviors that one doesn't necessarily experience them as they are.
posted by Saucy Possum at 8:36 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
As someone with my own mental health stuff, C-PTSD from childhood, and a history of falling for manipulation - I would also recommend, for your own benefit, briefly but closely examining whether she was truly yelling at you, and if other people you trust would have the same opinion about the situation had they been present, or if you only felt like she was yelling at you. To be clear, I'm not saying she wasn't or that you're misjudging it - but I've found this is a good habit to get into, especially in situations where you are already feeling vulnerable, as it will help develop your "gut feeling" and ability to recognize behaviors and reactions in other people as well as within yourself. It's possible to be so hyper vigilant about other people's feelings and behaviors that one doesn't necessarily experience them as they are.
posted by Saucy Possum at 8:36 PM on May 23 [7 favorites]
It's irrelevant whether you're right or wrong about this particular situation with the guy, or whether your therapist is right or wrong.
All that matters is this: Is your relationship with your therapist healthy?
Whether or not any "wrongmess" in the relationship between you and your therapist is your fault, or your therapist's fault, set that aside.
Unlike any other relationship in your life, your relationship with your therapist is all about whether or not they can help you.
If they can't, for any reason at all, even if they're brilliant in every way, they're not the right therapist for you.
Maybe another, different person would find value in the way your therapist speaks? Irrelevant if *you* don't.
This question can only be answered by you: does your therapist make you feel safe? Set aside what you "should" feel. What do you feel?
Leaving a therapist is also not an irrevocable decision that you have to make right away. You can take a break from them, or try a different therapist for a bit, and go back to them if you change your mind.
It's a professional relationship, not a friend or family relationship.
My advice would be not to ignore your doubts. Take a break from your therapist, or talk to them about your doubts, but don't just ignore them and push through hoping things will get better by themselves.
posted by Zumbador at 8:47 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
All that matters is this: Is your relationship with your therapist healthy?
Whether or not any "wrongmess" in the relationship between you and your therapist is your fault, or your therapist's fault, set that aside.
Unlike any other relationship in your life, your relationship with your therapist is all about whether or not they can help you.
If they can't, for any reason at all, even if they're brilliant in every way, they're not the right therapist for you.
Maybe another, different person would find value in the way your therapist speaks? Irrelevant if *you* don't.
This question can only be answered by you: does your therapist make you feel safe? Set aside what you "should" feel. What do you feel?
Leaving a therapist is also not an irrevocable decision that you have to make right away. You can take a break from them, or try a different therapist for a bit, and go back to them if you change your mind.
It's a professional relationship, not a friend or family relationship.
My advice would be not to ignore your doubts. Take a break from your therapist, or talk to them about your doubts, but don't just ignore them and push through hoping things will get better by themselves.
posted by Zumbador at 8:47 PM on May 23 [5 favorites]
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If you wanted to give her another try you could tell her how it made you feel and (even if you ‘overinterpreted’ her due to being very upset) her response should tell you if it’s a one off or an issue. You don’t have to though, you aren’t obliged to give money to people who make you feel bad.
posted by Iteki at 3:17 PM on May 23 [20 favorites]