Considering seeing a psychiatrist for a personality disorder evaluation. Should I go now or wait for some time to pass? Details inside
posted by anonymous to human relations (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I'm currently 17, nearing 18, and I'm about to graduate highschool with both an AA degree as well as a high school diploma (perks of dual credit highschools :D ), meaning that I'm legally a minor. Despite being what people call "smart", I've actually been through a lot of crap. Sorry for the resulting wall of text, but a short summary is at the very bottom.
Where to start with this, I do not know, so I guess I'll start with family.
I have 3 other siblings, all younger than me. I'm the oldest, and my parents had me when they were in high school, so you could say that I was unplanned (but not unwanted!). Because I was born so early, my parents had to dedicate most of their time working and spent little time with me. Skip several years into the future, dad and mom make decent money now, but the health insurance comes from mom's workplace. I'm a very solitary person, and tend to keep to myself, though I am not shy; I like to have fun every once in a while :D. Often my solitary and private life causes me to create harmless lies that keep me more interesting than I really am.
Moving on to romance:
I was in a relationship with this girl I really liked, and she had borderline personality disorder, making it hard for her to be with me. Her mom was a psychologist, and she eventually moved to a different state in the attempts to access better treatment for her disorder. We kept in touch for a long time, and suddenly she stopped. I got a written letter for her, which ended up being a suicide note. Not going to delve deep into this, since it brings up a lot of stuff, but the letter specifically stated that treatment wasn't helping and that our separation made things worse. After this I suffered "hidden depression", as in during daytime I would be mostly fine, having fun and everything, dealing with death pretty well (I have a unique perspective on life), but at night, I would be utterly alone and would sometimes cry myself to sleep. It was just the lack of affection that got to me (parents didn't do much to help as they thought I had gotten through with it). As time passed, I managed to grieve successfully, and I no longer cry myself to sleep except on those days where I am truly experiencing sadness. I'd had a lot of other relationships to attempt to replace the emptiness I felt sometimes, but they rarely lasted past a month due to my awkwardness and my tendency to try and "replace" my first. I'm working on removing this habit, and it's working.
Moving on to the reason why I am considering going to get help:
Recently the past year or so, I've been really emotionally weird. I don't know how to explain it. I don't get angry, and I'm often understanding. People have told me that I have a very hard outer shell, which is true to an extent. However, sometimes when someone annoys me, I explode. Like a burst of anger. I don't know why. I'm not bottling anything up, I just do. I think that there's some sort of feeling that is being triggered that results in this, but I'm not sure. And right after the burst I feel happy as hell. It's gotten so bad that I once flipped a table at someone at the mall for something so trivial (he played a harmless prank by moving my drink around) and I also threw a cue ball at someone (he and I are good friends now, don't worry). So I get angry sometimes, but at stupid stuff. The thoughts are scary though. Like these thoughts are thoughts of an apathetic homicidal man. Thankfully, I haven't hurt anyone too bad that they required medical help.
I don't just get angry, I also experience a severe mood swing every now and then. I wake up feeling fine and happy, and as the day progresses, I suddenly turn solemn and start to think depressingly. I can feel the heaviness in my chest at this point, and as I'm contemplating my future death and suicide in regards to different cultures, I suddenly perk up and I'm laughing again. I know teens get mood swings, but is something like this normal?
I've also cut myself for several reasons, and sometimes I just do for no reason. Sometimes I cut when I have this depressed feeling, other times I cut to try and increase my tolerance to the pain, and other times I find myself already done with the process with no idea why I did it. Depression is one thing, but self-injury? Scary stuff.
I want to visit a psychiatrist, as I believe that I'm trying to emulate my first girlfriend's life the way she lived it as well as live my own life. But I also believe that I managed to develop some sort of disorder (I'm hoping not) due to the circumstances that I experienced. My parents come from a culture where mental disorders are looked down upon, so when I talk to them they always think that I'm just going through a "phase", which has its limits in my opinion. Due to this reason, I'm kind of unwilling to see a psychiatrist now (since I'm a minor, and parents still hold some rights over me). Money isn't an issue since I've been keeping a bank account and working to fill it up (parents know of my decision to want to become financially responsible and independent).
I want to see a psychiatrist because I believe that I have a problem with me. Why? Because:
1. My first GF committed suicide after suffering from BPD, causing me to grieve for quite a while.
2. I get angry outbursts at rare occasions over stupid things, and immediately become happy in literally five minutes or less.
3. I used to become really depressed at night, though this is no longer a problem.
4. I sometimes get these major mood swings that turn me from happy to sad to happy that last from ten minutes to several hours.
5. I have problems, but I am trying to determine whether I should go now as a minor or wait a few months so that I can no longer be a minor (but I'd have to pay for this myself).
6. My parents don't offer much psychological help. I feel like an alien talking to them and I don't have that father-son/mother-son bond that other people seem to have. I hardly talk to them, and they hardly talk to me.
7. I am a very social person, but I can suffer from nervousness in social settings by myself, i.e. when friends are around, party comes to me, but when nobody is around, I become very anxious and nervous.
So, MeFites, your opinions are welcome, as well as your concerns. Any questions that you think will help me make the decision of when and should I go get help can be asked here.
*Note: A lot of older folks say that teens go through a "teen phase", and I certainly agree that this happens to people, but I also question if all of this is in my head, and that I'm going through the phase now, since I am very young. I'm very mature though for my age, as per the opinions of many people I collaborate with.