My conservative Christian friend wants to learn about gender identity
April 29, 2024 8:58 AM Subscribe
She is perplexed by talk of "nonbinary" and "transgender" and says she wants to learn more (I'm her token liberal she goes to with these kinds of questions). She specifically wants a book to read. Any recommendations?
Skill level: She knows people say that gender is a "social construct", but she only partially believes it, especially when it comes down to biology. And my typical responses of "what about intersex people?" etc., don't seem to land with her.
She has gay friends and is fine with gay marriage, but would she be okay with her own kids being gay? No way. Pretty sure all her anxiety about gender identity centers around her kids. She is firmly in the camp of "If kids hear about it, they will do it...best to not tell them these things." She is very nervous about sex ed and what her kids are being exposed to at school and from their friends.
More background:
-Pure memoir is prob not the best route -- she wants facts.
-if the book somehow touches on kids and what exposure does for them, that would be ideal.
-No graphic novels/anything out of the ordinary; this topic will already be a stretch for her as it is.
-She is pretty intellectual, but on the STEM side. The book can be pretty "dry" as long as it is understandable to someone without much exposure to social sciences.
Thank you!
Skill level: She knows people say that gender is a "social construct", but she only partially believes it, especially when it comes down to biology. And my typical responses of "what about intersex people?" etc., don't seem to land with her.
She has gay friends and is fine with gay marriage, but would she be okay with her own kids being gay? No way. Pretty sure all her anxiety about gender identity centers around her kids. She is firmly in the camp of "If kids hear about it, they will do it...best to not tell them these things." She is very nervous about sex ed and what her kids are being exposed to at school and from their friends.
More background:
-Pure memoir is prob not the best route -- she wants facts.
-if the book somehow touches on kids and what exposure does for them, that would be ideal.
-No graphic novels/anything out of the ordinary; this topic will already be a stretch for her as it is.
-She is pretty intellectual, but on the STEM side. The book can be pretty "dry" as long as it is understandable to someone without much exposure to social sciences.
Thank you!
Best answer: It isn't a book and is kind of dense reading but the American Academy of Pedatrics has their policy that has some primer info in it. It's relatively straightforward.
Ensuring Comprehensive Care and Support for Transgender and Gender-Diverse Children and Adolescents
There is an section on family acceptance and safe schools and communities as well.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:14 AM on April 29 [2 favorites]
Ensuring Comprehensive Care and Support for Transgender and Gender-Diverse Children and Adolescents
There is an section on family acceptance and safe schools and communities as well.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:14 AM on April 29 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have the perfect book for her! Raising Kids beyond the Binary: Celebrating God’s Transgender and Gender-Diverse Children was written in an educational, Christian vernacular and is easily accessible. My Christian Dad read it and it really resonated with him.
Disclosure: We know the Bruesehoff family through the state church body and I was on the street team for this book prior to its release.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:21 AM on April 29 [23 favorites]
Disclosure: We know the Bruesehoff family through the state church body and I was on the street team for this book prior to its release.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:21 AM on April 29 [23 favorites]
The T in LGBT is written by oft-AskMe-linked Jamie “jammidodger” Raines. It’s definitely not dry but it does contain lots of solidly backed information and citations to studies. I’ve seen it recommended before for people who want to be “better allies” although it is intended for people who are questioning their own gender as well. I think it might be a nicely personable contrast to some of the more detached and scientific resources suggested above. It’s definitely a memoir but it just uses that as a structure, and will connect her to Jamie’s online presence. His wife’s family is religiously conservative (though not Christian) and I feel like he does a good job of talking to people with very different life experiences without talking down to them.
posted by Mizu at 9:25 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
posted by Mizu at 9:25 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
For something more technical/academic, maybe Sex Itself: The Search for Male & Female in the Human Genome. From the description:
"Using methods from history, philosophy, and gender studies of science, Sarah S. Richardson uncovers how gender has helped to shape the research practices, questions asked, theories and models, and descriptive language used in sex chromosome research. From the earliest theories of chromosomal sex determination, to the mid-century hypothesis of the aggressive XYY supermale, to the debate about Y chromosome degeneration, to the recent claim that male and female genomes are more different than those of humans and chimpanzees, Richardson shows how cultural gender conceptions influence the genetic science of sex. "
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:26 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
"Using methods from history, philosophy, and gender studies of science, Sarah S. Richardson uncovers how gender has helped to shape the research practices, questions asked, theories and models, and descriptive language used in sex chromosome research. From the earliest theories of chromosomal sex determination, to the mid-century hypothesis of the aggressive XYY supermale, to the debate about Y chromosome degeneration, to the recent claim that male and female genomes are more different than those of humans and chimpanzees, Richardson shows how cultural gender conceptions influence the genetic science of sex. "
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:26 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
If your friend has a STEM background I would think Sexual Differentiation from the NIH National Library of Medicine may help. Specifically it begins with an Abstract, then an Introduction, then later the Bipotential Gonad. It is especially interesting because it shows that there is a staged and progressive development, it's not a coin toss. I mentioned this concept (not that article) to a rather conservative Church friend of mine who was moaning about the blurring of gender. I said offhand "Well, there is the Bipotential Gonad and like anything there can be rare but definite deviations." To which he replied yes, but they are rare (translation, I doubt he ever heard of the Bipotential Gonad but was willing to grant me the point).
posted by forthright at 9:31 AM on April 29
posted by forthright at 9:31 AM on April 29
I really enjoyed reading Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue. It doesn't primarily address trans or non-binary children; I recall that they discussed in one chapter, but it's mostly about stereotypes and all of the amazing research on how they affect children.* It really helps demonstrate how gender (that is, social role, as opposed to identity) is socially constructed. It addresses secondary sex differences - and how very meaningless they are when it comes to individuals (as opposed to populations - and even then, they are pretty minor).
I think that one of the first steps to accepting gender diversity is breaking free of strict categories of male and female and understanding how the roles are socially created. It makes diverse identities less threatening, because you see how even the cis world isn't simply male and female.
*One of my favourite stories is about some experiments where scientists created a new toy or game - one that never existed before - and then told half the children it was a "boy/girl's toy" or that "girls/boys tend to be better at it", and half were told the opposite. For most children, they liked the toy better and even did better at the game if they were told that it fit with their gender identity. It's fascinating! The whole book is great - and my partner got tired of me reading bits out of it to them.
posted by jb at 9:39 AM on April 29 [5 favorites]
I think that one of the first steps to accepting gender diversity is breaking free of strict categories of male and female and understanding how the roles are socially created. It makes diverse identities less threatening, because you see how even the cis world isn't simply male and female.
*One of my favourite stories is about some experiments where scientists created a new toy or game - one that never existed before - and then told half the children it was a "boy/girl's toy" or that "girls/boys tend to be better at it", and half were told the opposite. For most children, they liked the toy better and even did better at the game if they were told that it fit with their gender identity. It's fascinating! The whole book is great - and my partner got tired of me reading bits out of it to them.
posted by jb at 9:39 AM on April 29 [5 favorites]
the PFLAG website has list of resources
posted by brujita at 11:51 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
posted by brujita at 11:51 AM on April 29 [1 favorite]
My typical approach for someone who is asking / trying to understand in good faith but is having trouble "getting it" is to start with focusing the conversation on getting the person to do some introspection into how they think about and understand their own gender. Ask her why she feels like 'woman' is the correct gender identity for her. What does 'being a woman' mean to her beyond anatomy. How does / would she feel when misgendered or perceived in a way not aligned with her internal sense of gender. Talk through "the button" thought experiment and why she would make those choices. Once you have established that baseline understanding you can begin to explain trans experiences of gender in a more relatable way by comparing and contrasting it to her own, now more clearly articulated, internal understanding of gender. Generally, you are trying to figure out if she has an internal 'sense of gender' and how she experiences it. If she does have that internal sense then you can relate that experience of 'being a woman' feeling 'correct' for her with the experiences of trans folks who have similarly strong feelings of a certain gender feeling 'correct' with the difference being that for them it is oriented to something other than their GAAB. If after some consideration she feels like she does not have any internal sense of gender one way or the other you can relate her experience of not feeling any pull in a particular direction to the experiences of many agender nonbinary folks who also feel no particular 'sense of gender' but who choose to take that as a signal that they do not have a gender rather than being 'cis by default'. The goal is to get her to think about the idea of there being an internal sense of gender that different people experience to different degrees and in different ways, finding where she personally falls on that spectrum and then using that knowledge to build empathy for people who experience it differently. I personally think that a series of conversations is more productive for this kind of approach since the goal is to tailor your points to relate to the particular experience of the person you are talking to but if she really wants to read a book she could try something like "My New Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein or "How to Be You" by Jeffrey Marsh to help walk her through the introspection process.
posted by metaphorever at 12:23 PM on April 29 [1 favorite]
posted by metaphorever at 12:23 PM on April 29 [1 favorite]
GenderQueer has become one of the most banned books in the country; I read it before I spoke at my school board, where narrow-minded Religious Righties were trying to ban it. It's full of empathy, real experience, and facts. Real people are good teachers. I thought I knew some things, but I learned a lot.
posted by theora55 at 12:34 PM on April 29 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:34 PM on April 29 [2 favorites]
She knows people say that gender is a "social construct", but she only partially believes it, especially when it comes down to biology.
This article by Sarah Hearne is a good read regarding how loosely the actual biology fits our constructed concepts. Some of the initial points might not resonate with your friend (CW: evolutionary biology) so much, but the latter bits about sexuality might be a good resource if you are having conversations with someone who thinks biology offers definitive, universal definitions.
posted by Avelwood at 1:27 PM on April 29 [2 favorites]
This article by Sarah Hearne is a good read regarding how loosely the actual biology fits our constructed concepts. Some of the initial points might not resonate with your friend (CW: evolutionary biology) so much, but the latter bits about sexuality might be a good resource if you are having conversations with someone who thinks biology offers definitive, universal definitions.
posted by Avelwood at 1:27 PM on April 29 [2 favorites]
This episode of the Undeceptions podcast has been making the rounds in my Christian friends group, which ranges from pretty progressive to fairly conservative. Everyone agreed it was a worthwhile listen and my more conservative friends learned a lot.
posted by third word on a random page at 1:36 PM on April 29 [5 favorites]
posted by third word on a random page at 1:36 PM on April 29 [5 favorites]
Trans and Genderqueer Subjects in Medieval Hagiography? It's an academic book showcasing the rich history of gender non-conforming saints in the Middle Ages. The Appendix is a glossary of key terms, concepts which could also be helpful. Available in paperback or Open Access, free download. It was a finalist in the Trans Nonfiction category at the 2022 Lambda Literary Awards.
posted by thetarium at 1:54 PM on April 29 [3 favorites]
posted by thetarium at 1:54 PM on April 29 [3 favorites]
I haven't read it for awhile but at the time really liked Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son.
posted by slidell at 5:35 PM on April 29
posted by slidell at 5:35 PM on April 29
Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine might be a good place to start--it tackles the biological stuff without necessarily getting into the complexities of the gender spectrum, and could help her think more carefully through some of her baseline assumptions.
posted by dizziest at 8:03 PM on April 29 [1 favorite]
posted by dizziest at 8:03 PM on April 29 [1 favorite]
I'm going to unrecommend "My New Gender Workbook" by Kate Bornstein. I just read it and the tone is probably not going to land well with your friend. Religion is not treated with much respect. The book is full of dated pop culture references and ironic Drag Race language that may turn off someone from a different background. The book does not present much in the way of hard facts. The information presented is structured in a frustratingly vague way: often implying things in a jokey way without actually stating the information, leaving the reader to fill in the blanks from cultural context that your friend is likely lacking. And the book is showing its age on various intersectional issues (asexuality, disability, race, etc.) as well as idolizing Twitter as a home of free speech and queer community.
posted by Mournful Bagel Song at 1:41 AM on April 30 [1 favorite]
posted by Mournful Bagel Song at 1:41 AM on April 30 [1 favorite]
In Transit: Being Non-Binary in a World of Dichotomies by D. E. Anderson traces the history and language of nonbinary and gender non-conforming identities. The author is a former evangelical Christian and the book has sections that talk about their experiences as a student at Baylor and how they thought about gender from that religious perspective, which might be useful for your friend.
posted by fifthpocket at 6:26 AM on April 30
posted by fifthpocket at 6:26 AM on April 30
Mod note: One comment removed. Keep in mind that the OP is asking for information about religion and gender identity, not general dissatisfaction with religion, so please avoid the latter, thanks!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:56 AM on April 30 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:56 AM on April 30 [1 favorite]
Not a book, but I really liked this recent short piece by a Christian, about the theology of transformation: link.. Essentially, that we more fully understand Jesus's transfiguration by welcoming and witnessing the transfiguration of others.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:22 AM on April 30
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:22 AM on April 30
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posted by Alensin at 9:14 AM on April 29 [2 favorites]